Sunday, November 07, 2004
| Week 09 - 2004/2005 |
The Eagles/Steelers game may be the most-anticipated non-playoff NFL game ever in this bar. The clientele is mostly Steelers fans, with Eagles fans probably being the 2nd-most well-represented. It's safe to say that they don't like each other, but mainly because, well... no one really likes Eagles fans.
I see some parallels between the NFL's battle for Pennsylvania, and November 2nd's battle for Pennsylvania... You've got the upstart, hard-working, youth-infused, more-popular-in-the-late-70s Steelers against the undefeated incumbent media-whore, overpaid, self-aggrandizing, popular-among-losers Eagles. Should be fascinating.
The place is absolutely packed today... I assigned my representative Sammy to get there early and reserve our table, but it was taken, even at 11:30... no good.
Speaking of Sammy, I just wanna send a quick shout-out to the loyal readers at Case Western. LET'S GO... whatever the hell you guys are called. The Fighting Bankers, I'd guess.
Terry Bradshaw is at Heinz Field interviewing Ben Roethlisberger for Fox's pregame show. Terry asks, "Am I a huge burden to you?" You're a huge burden to everyone, asshole. What an egomaniacal question. "Hey, is it hard to be as great as me?" Ben Roethlisberger is one of the few things in Pittsburgh more popular than Journey. He could bang any attractive woman in Pittsburgh that he wanted to... all seven of them.
There is no one likable on Fox's pregame show. When the most likable guy is the ex-Raider, that's not a good sign. They could add Carrot Top and Roseanne, and it couldn't get much worse.
News item on ESPN: Ed Reed working on a new touchdown celebration. Ed Reed is a safety with 1 career touchdown. Thank you, Worldwide Leader.
Fox is showing the retirement press conference of longtime Detroit Lion Robert Porcher. More than any other retirement I've ever seen, Porcher seemed like a guy who really loved playing football and who really loved being a part of the community.
James Brown of Fox has his son sitting on his lap. Much like everyone watching the show, the kid looks absolutely miserable. Terry Bradshaw reaches over and squeezes his cheeks. God knows where that hand has been... the child may vomit.
I might be the only one, but I like the Bengals orange uniforms. Maybe it's not so much that I like them, but they're better than their regular unis. It's probably not good when the orange, tiger-striped uniforms are seen as a nice change of pace.
The Steelers win the toss and take the ball first... and proceed to stuff the pigskin directly and forcefully up the asses of the Eagles defense. Completely domination on the first drive. The Eagles never looked at all like they might be able to stop Jerome Bettis. Hines Ward finishes it off by scoring on a reverse and mocking Terrell Owens in the endzone. This might be a fun day for T.O.-haters.
The Eagles go three-and-out, Pittsburgh gets the ball back, and once again, they have their way with the Eagles. Just utter domination. The Eagles are powerless at the line of scrimmage, Jerome Bettis looks like he's 28, and again, Hines Ward finishes off he drive by mocking Owens in the endzone. This is looking a lot like last week.
Appearing on CBS's stat ticker: "R. KELLY: 1 REC 5 YDS" That's just wrong. The NFL really needs to get stricter with who they let play... Jamal Lewis deserved more than 2 games, and peeing on a teenage girl should warrant at least a 4-game suspension.
Total yards thus far: Steelers 147, Eagles 3. First Downs: Steelers 15, Eagles 0.
It is now 21-0. This is an absolutely savage beating. It couldn't be more one-sided if the Steelers were playing the Kentucky Karma of the National Women's Football Association.
I apologize for not giving many updates of other games. I just can't take my eyes off the train wreck that has become the Philadelphia Eagles. One of the other games I'm seeing is Cincinnati/Dallas, which probably doesn't interest many people outside of the immediate families of Vinny Testaverde and Carson Palmer, and Buffalo/NY Jets, which Buffalo currently leads 7-3.
Another Eagles three-and-out, and here we go... the first adversity that the Eagles have faced all year, and Terrell Owens is following Donovan McNabb around the sidelines bitching at him. McNabb appears to just want to walk away, Owens keeps following him at yapping at him, and McNabb looks pissed. He's completely ignoring him. Owens, perhaps not shockingly, just won't shut up.
Ben Roethlisberger makes his first poor decision of the past two weeks and throws an interception into double coverage on a deep ball.
The Eagles take possession, and the next two plays are passes to Owens. A complete act of pacification. I think Andy Reid and the Eagles are afraid, and perhaps rightfully so, to upset Terrell Owens. He bitched, and he got the ball. They still went three-and-out, and the Eagles coaching staff is clearly letting their play-calling be affected by the delicate ego of Terrell Owens.
While we're on the subject, give credit to Donovan McNabb for not saying anything back to Owens. After the game, they'll both blow it off, say it's something that happens in the heat of battle, but it was clear that Owens was bitching AT McNabb about something. Had McNabb responded, it makes it a bigger distraction, a bigger issue, and much harder to sweep under the rug.
The Steelers are honoring some former greats at halftime or something... Mean Joe Greene is there, and I'm pretty sure he could still start at linebacker. The man looks absolutely terrifying.
Roy Williams, right before the half, makes a huge hit on a kickoff coverage play for the Cowboys. He layed some wood and made a nice play, but why? He's the franchise. Why send him out there to risk injury on a special teams play?
Andy Reid declined to talk to Pam Oliver at halftime, which says more more than anything that could actually be said in a halftime interview with a coach. Why not just do the standard "we need to execute better" interview that says nothing anyway? Now he just looks like a bitch.
Willis McGahee is running very well for the Bills. Every time I look over there, he's finding the right hole and picking up positive yards for the Bills. They look like a much better team with McGahee carrying the load.
No Eagles player has been a factor in this game so far. Terrell Owens has probably been their best player, and he's been a complete non-factor.
Mike Williams, offensive lineman in Buffalo, is hurt very seriously. It's not get-me-a-trainer hurt, it's ambulance on-the-field hurt. Bills and Jets players are huddled in circles praying. Williams gives a thumbs-up from the stretcher as he's being put in the ambulance.
The third quarter ends with the score Steelers 24, Eagles 3. Sign in the crowd: "'72 Dolphins, pop the cork."
And as happy as I am that the Steelers are winning this game, for some reason, I really want those old men to be unhappy. The idea of the '72 Dolphins gathering and drinking champagne once a year when the last undefeated team loses... it just seems sad. Find something else in your lives to be happy about, fellas.
Sam's wife is drunk and rubbing my nipple.
How bad do the Cowboys suck? They're not the worst team in the league or anything, but shouldn't they be better than this? They're getting romped by the Bengals. A Vinny interception seals it.
Early in the 4th quarter, Troy Aikman is calling for the Eagles to pull McNabb. He says there's no sense in risking injury in a game the Eagles can't win, but you know... that didn't stop them from playing him in the last three NFC championship games.
Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress, and Antwan Randle-El take a second out of their busy days to stop and pose for the sky cam. That's the kind of day it's been. This game has been over since about 1:30.
Final rushing yards: Steelers, 250. Eagles, 21. Credit goes to the Eagles for quadrupling the rushing output that the Patriots had against the Steelers last week.
An Eagles fan walks out of the back room, right past our table, and he's smiling, trying to be friendly, take his abuse, and get out. My man Nate won't have it. He looks at the guy and goes, "Get the fuck out of here."
With the Bengals/Cowboys game over, coverage switches to the end of the Arizona/Miami game. In what's becoming a weekly highlight, Danks and AJ celebrate the appearance of Cardinals punter Scott Player by singing "Plaaaaaaya..." when he takes the field.
The color guy in the Cardinals game is talking, and I could have sworn he said, "...and the Cardinals, fuck that." Chris and I immediately exchange "did you hear that?" looks. I can't come up with anything else he might've said that would've sounded like that. That was weird, but we are apparently the only two who heard it.
It's 4:00, and the Chargers game is only on in the back. The Patriots are on in front, so Danks and I will be separated. It's very sad. Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain.
The Chargers don't look entirely sharp on their first drive, but fortunately, the Saints are terrible. We pull off a fake punt, and the Saints give us a few key penalties, and before long, Antonio Gates is hauling in a Drew Brees pass for a touchdown.
Gates is called for a 15-yard penalty for spiking the ball in the guy's face, but... I can live with it. Eh, who am I kidding, I am ecstatic about it... spike it in his face, spike it in his mother's face, I don't care. Just keep the touchdowns coming.
Aaron Brooks' first two passes bounce off the hands of San Diego Chargers. His next one is even better. Under heavy pressure on 3rd and 10, Brooks turns around, facing his own endzone, and throws the ball to Saints offensive lineman Wayne Gandy. The pass is thrown directly backwards, meaning it's a live ball, thrown to an offensive lineman, who can't catch it anyway. That's the dumbest play I've seen since Plaxico Burress spiked a live ball a couple years ago.
And the Bucs pull out a win against the Chiefs, providing some help to the Chargers. We're a couple of games ahead of them in the standings, but they've been on fire. Thank you, Bucs.
Assante Samuel, Patriots corner, gets injured... and the Patriots are now playing Troy Brown at corner. And he's not bad... he'd probably start for the Colts.
There's a Saints fan back here, at a table with 3 or 4 of his boys, and they're all ganging up on him. One guy says to him, "Hey, it's one thing to be a fan, but it's another thing to lie to yourself." It's a fine line... and one I'm very familiar with.
Tom Brady drops back and hits Mike Vrabel on a fade pattern in the corner of the endzone. Yes, you read that correctly. It was an amazing catch, too... Vrabel at wideout, Troy Brown at corner... interesting. Let's see if Larry Izzo can play quarterback.
The Chargers are just rolling, despite not being all that sharp. The Saints have been terrible. There are plays when Aaron Brooks looks like he can be an MVP candidate, and there are plays when he does some of the dumbest things imaginable.
By the way, it's nice to be complaining about the Chargers not being sharp, as opposed to just outright being terrible. It's a wonderful change of pace.
I love when they show the clips of Antonio Gates playing basketball at Kent State. Quality player. I believe he could be starting on at least a dozen NBA teams right now.
With the score 20-7 at the half, my friend Pat walks into the place. I haven't seen the guy in almost a year. The first thing he does is sit down and take off his shoe and sock, showing us some frostbite he got while climbing some damn mountain in a brutal snowstorm. This is absolutely bizarre.
At halftime of the Patriots game, Danks comes back to say hello. Well, he actually didn't say hello, he said, "Lick my taint." The Smorgasbord just isn't the same when Danks isn't in the same room. Danks, you complete me.
Saints lineman Wayne Gandy holds in the endzone, and the Chargers pick up a safety. It's been a very long time since I've felt bad for a Chargers opponent. In fact, it may never have happened before. More often than not, I've spent the afternoon feeling sorry for myself.
Kassim Osgood gets in on the action, catching a screen, pushing various bitch-ass Saints out of his way, and strolling into the endzone.
The Bolts will be 6-3 and tied for the division lead heading into the bye week. It is fun to be good.
