Sunday, November 14, 2004
| Week 10 - 2004/2005 |
I usually welcome the Chargers' bye week. It's a week where I can shut myself down emotionally, and try to enjoy a Sunday without so much pain that I have to go home, get drunk, and masturbate for an hour to make myself feel better. But this year's different... I don't want to take the week off. We're winning, and I want to keep this thing rolling. I hope Marty Schottenheimer scheduled a scrimmage this week against the '72 Dolphins or something, just to keep us sharp. And I hope someone ruptures Bob Griese's kidney.
Michael Irvin is to ESPN's Gameday as Charles Barkley is to Inside the NBA on TNT. Unfortunately, no one else on the Gameday set can hold the jock of either Kenny Smith or Ernie Johnson, but Irvin, like Barkley, gives you that feeling of not wanting to change the channel because you might miss him saying something awesome.
My new girlfriend is our waitress this week, and my baby has never looked better. Her hair is different, too. It's like she went the extra mile to make herself look nice for me this week, which is amazing, considering she doesn't even know we're dating. That's how you know someone is special. We have such a great relationship.
ESPN is showing the Parcells mini-meltdown. My favorite part was, "There's no excuse for it, other than we're poorly-coached and we played bad." I love the fact that he took his share of responsibility. A teacher can't call a student a failure without also admitting failure on their own part.
Ooooh. ESPN with the breaking news of the Joey Porter/William Green pre-game fight. Someone else was involved, too, but I couldn't tell who it was. Joey took a swing at someone with a helmet on. I don't know if you know this, but those helmets are built pretty well, and there's not much point to punching one. I like the spirit, though. William Green is shown holding a towel to his mouth... I guess Joey landed a shot or two.
I don't know who started that, but it was pretty stupid on the part of the Browns. I was thinking the Browns had a shot to win, in part because of the letdown factor. Even great teams let down sometimes, and after two huge wins and all the accompanying media attention, the Steelers were primed for an emotional letdown. But Gerard Warren's talking about taking a shot at Ben Roethlisberger's head, and there's a pregame fight... so much for that. The Steelers are pissed. This game's over.
Hey, Crazy Fish Guy's here. He's late, though, and it doesn't look like he'll be sitting anywhere near us. I usually don't like to talk to him until the automatic tint of his glasses adjusts to inside lighting, anyway.
An ESPN feature looks at the weekly tradition of Donald Driver and Javon Walker called "Keep it Real Thursday." I'm not sure exactly what goes on, but it sounds fun. I'm going to go to work on Thursday, tell someone they're an ugly motherfucker and be like, "Hey, sorry. It's Keep It Real Thursday."
This is actually a really good feature. They're talking about Ray Sherman's loss of his son, and how his relationship with Walker and Driver kinda fills that void for him. It's pretty touching. Javon Walker says, "I will be your son, if you'll let me." If I'm the Packers GM, and Walker or Driver has a contract coming up, it would be really difficult to let either of them go.
Sam and his wife (who's name, by the way, is Jeanette) have invited some other couple to join us. This guy is a Browns fan, which is bad enough, but he also likes the Raiders. So not only is he one of these two-favorite-team-having douchebags, but that other team is the Raiders. Why not just save the time, pal, and when you introduce yourself, say, "Hi. Nice to meet you. I have no redeeming qualities as a human being." What a treat it will be to sit with him.
Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception for the Steelers, and Browns DE Kenard Lang does something I've never seen before. This was amazing. When there's an interception, on the return, that's often when defensive players get to take a free cheap shot at the quarterback. Lang goes over to Roethlisberger, stands directly in front of him, and points at his teammates to stay away. After what Gerard Warren said and everything else that happened, going and protecting Ben Roethlisberger is a a pretty manly thing for Kenard Lang to do. That's like the highlight of the year for me.
The Steelers backup running back this week is some guy named Willie Parker, who I'd love to give the nickname, Willie "When You Gonna Let Me Fuuuuuck, Miss" Parker, if it wasn't already taken by Eric Parker of the Chargers.
Capping off a beautiful 90-yard Steeler touchdown drive is a vintage 7-yard Jerome Bettis run. He's just lowering his shoulder and moving people.
Marc Bulger is just carving up the Seahawks secondary. It just looks easy for him. Wasn't Seattle a hot Super Bowl pick a few weeks ago? Aren't they always a hot Super Bowl pick at the beginning of the year?
There are some early ass-whuppins being handed out. Atlanta is leading Tampa Bay 17-0, and the Rams are already up 14-0.
One thing I've noticed that the Steelers receivers do really well is help out Ben Roethlisberger when he's in trouble. When things break down, they're excellent at breaking off their routes, coming back to the ball, and helping to bail him out.
Quincy Carter is currently 7-for-7 with 100-some yards. The Cowboys couldn't use a quarterback like that or anything.
I've always thought Brian Griese (who just threw a touchdown pass to Michael Clayton) looks like the younger version of Dennis Quaid from Any Given Sunday. It's 17-7. Anyone else confused by Brian Griese's re-emergence? In the NFL, you just can not count out a quarterback until they're about the age of Vinny Testaverde. It requires so much quick thinking and decision-making, and it just takes some guys a few years to get it. If I were a GM, I'd never draft a quarterback, but stockpile guys who play out their rookie contracts and don't resign with their original teams. Sign like five of them, and chances are, the light bulb will go on for one of them sooner than later.
Roethlisberger scrambles, and Hines Ward takes the opportunity to go downfield and kill a defensive lineman. Just lit him up.
Dick Enberg: "The bus is still well-lubricated." It's this kind of highly-personal intimate detail that you can only get from Dick Enberg and CBS.
The guy at our table with no redeeming qualities as a human being says, "Jerome Bettis is weak. He's just big. That's it. He's just big." I suppose his quickness, agility and vision have had nothing to do with his hall-of-fame career. By that rationale, Gilbert Brown would be the best running back of all-time.
Craig Krenzel has five completions for 19 yards. The Bears are really opening up the offense under Krenzel.
My girlfriend/waitress... she just touched me. Right on the shoulder, for no reason, with a softness and affection that only a lover can provide. I don't want to get too personal with you, but... that's a sign that she's ready to take things to the next level.
The Saints somehow lead the Chiefs 14-3 at the half. Derrick Blaylock also has 120 yards rushing at this point, and I feel compelled to ask... how good is Priest Holmes? I mean, they plug this Blaylock cat in there, and he's doing the same thing Priest does. Are they both remarkable running backs? Or could Ki-Jana Carter step into the Chiefs offense and put up huge numbers?
Hey, Dave Wannstedt is on CBS. Good to see he found work already. It must be a thrill for him to sit next to Dan Marino, who called him a bad coach earlier this week. Wanny's pretty good in the studio. He might be the best one there, actually. And that includes Shannon Sharpe, who's been pretty disappointing. Of course, I blame CBS and their ultra-structured, vanilla format, too.
Brian Griese finds Ken Dilger for a touchdown, and the Bucs have pulled to within 3 of the Falcons. Dangerous team, the Bucs. I gotta give it up for Jon Gruden and a pretty good coaching job he's done this year.
Between dropped touchdown passes, Seattle manages to keep chipping away at the Rams lead with field goals. It's now 20-12.
Chicago has 14 points, none of them being produced by the offense. RW McQuarters has a punt return, and some big lumbering bastard of a defensive end has an interception return for a TD. RW McQuarters might be the Bears offensive MVP.
It's probably not going to matter, but the Steelers had a 1st and goal at the 1, and couldn't get in. At least the Browns will have something to think about this week other than getting crushed by a division rival, having the starting running back get beat up before the game, and having a defensive lineman talk some shit that he couldn't even attempt to back up. Other than all that, things went really well for them.
Jim Mora Jr. and another Falcons assistant are absolutely berating some other assistant. I have no sound, so I don't know what happened, but this guy's getting a verbal beatdown. It's gotta feel pretty bad to be chewed out by Jim Mora Jr.
Kelly Holcomb is in for Jeff Garcia. Why? He'll throw some good passes against the Steelers backups, who are playing a soft defense, and ignite a quarterback controversy in the process. That's always good for a team. The quarterback position has nothing to do with why the Browns were handled today. Holcomb goes 5-for-7 with a meaningless TD, and congrats, Butch Davis... you get another QB controversy to deal with.
Some lucky Steelers trainer gets to massage the thigh of Jerome Bettis. I hope that guy gets a bonus or something.
The Steelers win today didn't look quite as dominating as the wins over the Eagles or Patriots, but in some ways, it was. Roethlisberger wasn't as sharp. The run game was good, but not as outright dominant as it has been. But the Steelers still won easily. It was a very efficient game for them. I think efficient is probably the best way to describe their offense. They always have a good option. If the other team stacks the box, they can go to play action. If the other team is blitzing, Roethlisberger can get away and improvise. They can always chuck it deep to Plax. They have trick plays with Hines Ward and Antawn Randle-El that they can go to. There's always something they can do.
The Jets/Ravens game has gone to overtime, and we're joining in progress, just in time to see Kordell Stewart punting. He gets off a terrible punt that happens to work really well when the Jets return guy plays it terribly, and it takes a huge bounce down to about the 6. The Ravens defense will probably hold, and the Jets were just beaten in overtime by a Kordell Stewart punt.
The Redskins are on in both rooms. Brutal. As a public serve for the good of all humanity, can't we make an effort to sequester all Redskins fans into one room, so decent human beings can be at peace in another room?
I hear a deep, masculine, Italian voice in my ear. "I want to feel you... deep inside me." That can only mean one thing... Danks is here. I'd go to the trouble of telling you that neither one of us is gay, but you wouldn't believe me anyway.
The Saints are up by 7 with 21 seconds to play... but they have to punt to Dante Hall. That would probably tend to make a special teams coach a little nervous.
Hall can't put a return together, and the Saints are going to win. The Chiefs are 3-6, which is awesome.
And the Ravens win, too. They got good field position, and Matt Stover hit the game-winner. For potential wildcard purposes, this also helps the Chargers. Man, we're winning when we don't even play.
Giants/Cardinals is the featured game at 4:00... so Danks, AJ, and I decide to pretend to be Cardinals fans. The cardinal is the state bird of West Virginia. I bet you didn't know that. Every time the Cardinals make a play, someone's going, "Caw! Caw!"
There's a Jets fan in the house rocking the Tom Tupa jersey. That's awesome. I love it when guys wear jerseys for role players... guys like Tupa, who are important to the team, but don't get much ink. I should get a David Binn, Chargers long snapper, jersey.
The Bengals are already decimating the Redskins. It's 14-0. Mark Brunell is 1-for-8, with 6 yards and an INT. But hey, coach Gibbs, I'm sure it's just a phase... stick wit him, ride this out. Or, if you do replace him, see what Mark Rypien is up to.
Mark Brunell looks like Mark Wahlberg. Josh McCown, according to Danks, looks like the oldest kid from Home Improvement. And while we're talking about what various QBs look like, Kordell Stewart looks like a Nestle Crunch bar.
Shayne Graham of the Bengals adds a field goal, and it's 17-0 Bengals. And here comes Patrick Ramsey into the game, dragging Joe Gibbs kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
Here's a sucky fantasy play: Your receiver is open in the endzone. The ball is thrown to him, he gets interfered with. He doesn't make the catch, but the penalty is called, and the team gets the ball at the 1. Some RB plunges it in and gets the TD. Meanwhile, your receiver, who did all the work to get them down there, gets no TD, no yards, no catch. I hate that.
At halftime, the Bengals lead the Redskins in total yards, 226-59.
Tiki Barber isn't just the Giants best player, Tiki Barber is the Giants. Without him, the Giants would have absolutely no offense. The Giants without the Barber is like Harold Melvin without the Bluenotes, bitch, they'll never go platinum.
Patrick Ramsey is sucking just as bad as Mark Brunell. He's currently 3-of-12. Looks like their problems go a little deeper than QB. What are the odds that Joe Gibbs and Bill Parcells get drunk together somewhere in the next month or two?
This guy sitting at the table next to ours orders a mountain of wings like I've never before seen. Sir Edmund Hillary would struggle to get to the top of this pile of wings. There must be 40 wings in that basket. That is a seriously hungry Bengals fan.
Ramsey throws a completion, and I say, "Hey, look at that, a Redkins completion." And, of course, on the next play, he completes another pass, this one to Bengals CB Walt Harris. Two passes in a row haven't hit the ground. That's progress.
Alright, we're gonna cut this day a little short. As hard as I try, I can't really get into the Giants/Cards or Redskins/Bengals games. I'm gonna bounce. Next week is Chargers/Raiders again. Seeya then.
