Sunday, November 21, 2004
| Week 11 - 2004/2005 |
We're getting a little bit of a late jump today... I forgot a pen and paper. Not an auspicious beginning to Chargers/Raiders day. Anyway, I had to walk over to Office Depot, which necessitated me walking through a bowling alley, and they had this absolutely beautiful Steelers bowling ball on display there. Did you know they made cool bowling balls? I had no idea. I thought they just came in black and brown. I'd like to think that somewhere out there, someone has a Tupac bowling ball.
Chris Mortenson reports that Joe Horn's infamous cell phone only fetched $650 at a charity auction. Ouch. Joe probably paid about $200 for it. That's gotta be a blow to the ego of Joe Horn. Sorry, Joe... no one gives a fuck about you or your lame-ass cell phone celebration, even if it is for charity.
For some reason, one of the pre-game shows is showing the Pistons/Pacers brawl. My man AJ has the best and most practical question about the situation that I've heard yet... Where were the entourages? Isn't this a job for the entourages? What was Ron-Ron's crew doing when all of this went down? Forget about security... 70-year-old men in Event Staff jackets aren't getting the job done, obviously. In this situation, when Ron got hit with the beer, he should've just told a few of his boys to go up in the stands and handle his B.I. Because you know that Ron-Ron's rolling with a few dudes that have killed before. Everyone complains about entourages, but if they were used correctly, this whole situation could've been avoided. David Stern should just mandate a 5-person entourage (two of whom should be convicted felons, and at least one should be strapped) for every NBA player.
Chad Johnson, who's been talking shit all week, sees the first pass thrown his way bounce off his chest.
Jerome Bettis, on his second carry, moves into 5th place on the NFL's all-time leading rusher list. I think you can make a case for Jerome Bettis as the world's greatest athlete. Here's my rationale. Take a world class athlete, like, say... Tracy McGrady for example. Strap 150 extra pounds to his back, and can he still be one of the best in the league? I doubt it. Jerome plays a position that's usually occupied by a world-class athlete, someone in amazing physical condition, and he does it just as ably while being significantly on the tubby side. That's manly.
A white guy for the Vikings scores a touchdown, and tries to punt the ball. He whiffs. As the ball is laying on the ground, he winds up and drops a Randy Savage-style elbow on it.
Ben Roethlisberger had the Steelers at the Bengals 14 yard line on the opening drive, and then too two consecutive sacks, pushing the Steelers back out of field goal range. That was weird, and un-Roethlisberger-like.
Alright, if Chad Johnson wants to talk now, he can. He made an amazing touchdown catch, and the celebration he was hyping all week, the one for which he asked fans to bring money and pay his fine, consisted of getting confused, running around in a circle, and then doing some extremely lame dance move that you probably wouldn't even see in most white dance clubs.
Musa Smith of the Ravens suffers an absolutely gruesome injury. His leg is flopping back and forth as if there's a joint about halfway between his knee and ankle. I'm pretty sure there isn't. That was ugly.
James Farrior intercepts a Carson Palmer pass and takes it to the house. Y'know, if the NFL had a real MVP award, one that wasn't based on stats and media attention alone, James Farrior could make a case. He could at least win some kind of unsung hero award or something. He's having a great year.
Alright, now Aaron Brooks has made the two single-dumbest plays of the year. There was the one against the Chargers where he threw a backwards pass to Wayne Gandy, and now, as he's about to get sacked, he forces up a touchdown pass to Al Wilson. Unfortunately for Aaron Brooks, Al Wilson is a Broncos linebacker.
Ben Roethlisberger looks a little different today. He's getting sacked regularly. I don't know if the Bengals are doing something different to him in the secondary or what, but he seems to be tucking the ball away much earlier today. His numbers are still very decent, but he doesn't look quite the same.
No Crazy Fish Guy this week. This means I won't get to see him before Thanksgiving, which makes me sad. On Thursday, take a second, think about the middle-aged gambling addict in a tight Dolphins t-shirt, sitting in front of a dry turkey and wondering if the Lions are going to cover. Let us all give thanks.
You might remember a couple weeks ago when my friend Pat showed up completely out of the blue and showed us his frostbitten toes. Once again, Pat is spotted wandering aimlessly around the bar this week, looking for us. He sits down and starts talking about how happy celery farmers must be about the boom in popularity for chicken wings.
The Rams are getting creamed in Buffalo. The Rams are an odd team... I think they might just not have any heart. You never get the feeling that anyone on that team likes each other. They might not dislike each other, but I dunno... I don't get the feeling that anyone would take a bullet for Marc Bulger.
The Bengals, pretty late in the game now, trail only 17-14. They keep sacking Roethlisberger, and they keep hanging around. Could be an interesting finish.
And Curtis Martin moves into 6th place on the NFL's all-time rushing list. Rough day for Tony Dorsett, isn't it? I can see him enjoying a Sunday at home with this family, someone telling him that Jerome Bettis pushed him down the list, and Tony being like, "Oh, really? Well, that sucks." And a couple of hours later, Curtis Martin pushes him down another spot, and he's gotta be like, "God DAMMit. Anyone ELSE want to pass me on the NFL's all-time rushing list today?"
Willis McGahee breaks off an incredible touchdown run. He was rumbling down the sidelines, and some Ram hit him, one of those shoulder-to-hip hits, and somehow, McGahee jumped over it, kept his balance, stayed in bounds and housed it. Amazing.
Replay showed he had a toe on the out-of-bounds line, and someone held on the play, but still... amazing. McGahee is pissed at whoever held.
The Steelers record a safety when Carson Palmer intentionally grounds th ball in the endzone... and that'll just about end the Bengals hopes of pulling off an upset today.
Hey, Marc Bulger's sister is here. Right now, I'm pretty much watching her watch her brother, because it's got to be weird watching a loved one take a beating every week. Also, she's really hot.
There's a guy here wearing an old-school Buccaneers t-shirt. It's bright orange, with the Bucs old logo on the front... do you remember the gay pirate? That logo was unbelievably awesome. Pat calls him a "swashbuckler of the other persuasion." I think the Bucs made a mistake when they dumped it. People said it was gay, sure, but I think they should've embraced it. You can adopt a generic skull logo, but that's not going to intimidate anyone. If you want to intimidate an opponent, embrace the gay logo, and make opposing running backs think there's a good chance they're going to get molested in a pile.
The Steelers game is over. Good win for the Steelers today. They didn't play well, and they still won a divisional road game. That's what good teams do.
The Chargers open things up with an effortless TD drive against the Raiders. Drew Brees finds soon-to-be pro bowler Antonio Gates in the endzone. And then we have the extra point blocked.
I just surpassed Tony Dorsett on the NFL's all-time rushing list.
Two plays into Eli Manning's first NFL start, he is still conscious. You are letting me down, Falcons.
Drew Brees just made an amazing play. He rolled to his right, threw back to his left on a weird angle, and put it right over the shoulder of Antonio Gates. Amazing play.
And on the next play, Lorenzo Neil fumbles in the endzone. Ouch. It should be 14-0.
A.J. Feeley takes a pretty brutal shot, and goes down. The good news for the Dolphins is that it doesn't really hurt them when their QB gets hurt. Stroke of genius by the front office, really. I think Dave Wannstedt went to the GM and said, "Hey, can you figure out a way for us to be able to just go on as normal if our quarterback gets hurt?" And sure enough, he found a way.
Michael Vick, when he's throwing the ball well... is an offense. He's a running game and a passing game, all rolled into one person. He doesn't need any help, really. He's like, "Fuck it, just give me Alge Crumpler and I'll get us to 8-2. Is that cool?"
Ronald Curry scores a touchdown for the Raiders, and then dunks the ball over the crossbar. It's a shame he's not the first one to do that, because it'd be fitting if that was his trademark celebration. The Raiders, as much as I hate to say it, are a much better team today than they were when we cockwhipped them a few weeks ago.
AJ just asked me if a Seahawk was a real bird. He was completely sincere. I really didn't have the heart to make fun of him, and you know, for a 4-year-old, that would be a completely legitimate question. AJ, sadly, is a grown man. I think I'm just going to wait until sometime when we're hanging out near water, and tell him to be careful of the Seahawks.
I haven't been paying much attention to the Giants game, or how Eli is doing. But they haven't broken in with a special report on his untimely death, so I know it's not really going how I want it to go.
At halftime of the Chargers/Raiders game, the Raiders have their junior dance team on the field, consisting of 8-10 year old girls in Raider cheerleader uniforms. It was probably wrong of me to call them sluts.
While we're on the subject, though... we've got an NFL organization dressing up children in skimpy cheerleader outfits, and we're worried about Terrell Owens and a Desperate Housewives intro?
Fox's halftime show has highlights of some douche winning the Nascar title, or whatever it's called. The Nascar season is over, and starts again in early February. That's not much of an off-season, but I guess a huge off-season isn't really necessary when your job consists of sitting on your ass and driving for about four hours on a Sunday.
Randall Godfrey just knocked Jerry Porter out. Maybe the hardest hit I've seen this year. Godfrey just turned his lights out, his body went limp, Ben Leber ended up with the ball and returned it about 40 yards.
A.J. Feeley has been injured like 18 times, but he keeps coming back strong. He was walking off the field, someone patted him on the ass, and he screamed in agonizing pain. That was weird.
We lead only 16-7. The Raiders are playing better, and Kerry Collins has been pretty sharp, but still, we've pissed away countless opportunities. We should be hammering them. We're not. Penalties, mistakes, and seemingly a lack of focus have hurt us today. Win or lose, this has been a step back.
Eli Manning's first career touchdown pass goes to Jeremy Shockey. Eli to Shockey. Excellent. Somewhere, Satan is smiling.
The much-anticipated NBA suspensions are in. Ron Artest, as I expected, is out for the year. I thought David Stern might take the easy way out and just have him killed. You know he wants to. "We were going to suspend Ron Artest for the rest of the year, but unfortunately, he was gunned down today at his home, and if you try to pin it on me, the same thing might happen to you."
There are three or four people in this room rooting hard for the Chargers, all of them gamblers with major money riding on the game. I hate the vibe in here. My pure love for the lightning bolt is being challenged by the dirty love of the dollar.
Drew Brees sees the pocket collapse around him, is jumping around frantically, and somehow lofts a blind pass up complete to Keenan McCardell for a first down. Incredible play, and that will seal it. I'll take it, and I love the fact that we swept the Raiders, but any good team would've beaten us today. The bye week was not good to us.
The fantasy football craze has just gone too far. Fox shows the following stat line for Donovan McNabb: 18/26, 222 yards, 4 touchdowns, 1 interception, 27 fantasy points. Brutal. Listen, I play fantasy football just like everyone else, but when I'm watching a football game, I want to watch the football game. Football is still football, it's still played for wins, losses, and the ultimate goal of the Super Bowl. I fear the day is coming when fantasy football completely takes over, and no one even bothers to report the actual standings anymore.
Eli Manning actually has a chance to beat the 7-2 Falcons in his first start. But the drive stalls on a fourth down, and Eli experiences what will hopefully be the first of his many NFL losses.
The Dolphins are also somehow in the game against the Seahawks, in the battle of frightening aquatic creatures. It's 17-17, just over a minute left, Feeley with a chance for a scoring drive... and he throws a pick that gets taken to the house. This may be the worst day of A.J. Feeley's life. He's got some weird ass injury, he's taken a savage beating, and he loses on a play like that. I may send him a sympathy card.
Have a Great Thanksgiving, everyone.
