Sunday, December 12, 2004
| Week 14 - 2004/2005 |
There's a dude here wearing a Bill Parcells jersey. I kid you not. This guy has gone somewhere and ordered a Cowboys jersey with the #1 and "PARCELLS" on the back. I guess I have to applaud the team loyalty, but 1) You know Parcells isn't staying there more than a couple years and 2) That's kinda weird. Parcells didn't play for the Cowboys, and if he did, I'm guessing he didn't wear #1. If you want to support Bill Parcells with a fashion statement, make a t-shirt that says, "Terry Glenn and Antonio Bryant are women." A Parcells jersey... That's like one step away from a Jerry Jones jersey. I'm not saying it makes this guy a bad person, but... some therapy for Christmas might not be the worst idea.
For some reason, here are the games in the front room: Texans/Colts, Giants/Ravens, and Browns/Bills. Texans/Colts is fine... there'll be some interest for that one. But Giants/Ravens and Browns/Bills, not only is there very little interest in them, but I know right now how those games are going to go. The Giants will be able to do nothing offensively, but the game will stay close for a while, because the Ravens offense sucks, too. Eventually the Ravens will pull away. Browns/Bills will be ugly as hell with the Bills winning comfortably.
I'd rather watch Seahawks/Vikings, i.e., The Big Pink Vagina Bowl, sponsored by Tampax. What does the NFL do in the case where both teams refuse to win a game? I hope it goes into OT, and Matt Hasselback decides to be honest this time. "We don't really want the ball... I don't think we can win." And Daunte Culpepper replies, "Y'know, I don't think we can win, either. You wanna just go get a sandwich or something?"
Danks and I will be separated for the 1 o'clock games, as the Patriots are on in another room. You know what else is in another room? Crazy Fish Guy. Danks gets to hang with Crazy Fish Guy, and I'm stuck out here watching the Eli Manning/Kyle Boller showdown.
I think Crazy Fish Guy got a haircut, too. He's lookin' fresh and clean out this bitch today.
On an ESPN Gameday feature, Chris Berman and Ben Roethlisberger are eating a "Roethlisburger" sandwich... and sitting really close together. Their faces are like 3 inches apart as they each take a bite of the massive slab of meat. And the Emmy for most homoerotic feature on an NFL pregame show goes to...
Man, it is ugly in Buffalo. About 25 degrees, strong wide, wet snow blowing sideways. Is it worth it, Terry Robiskie? Just go home, man... Luke McCown is your starting quarterback, you can't win the game, and you aren't getting that job. It's not worth it, man. Just go home.
When the offseason rolls around, I hope either the Patriots sign DeMarcus Faggins and start him next to Randall Gay, or the Falcons sign Randall Gay and start him next to DeMarcus Faggins. And no, my sense of humor has not become any more sophisticated since about the 6th grade.
Texans/Colts is the one game out here that I don't mind watching, to see, of course, if Peyton gets the record. It's a fairly historic thing... It's certainly worth seeing. My man AJ agrees, saying, "I wanna be able to tell my kids someday... well, I wanna be able to tell someone's kids..."
In addition, I'm a complete fantasy football whore today. I've been eliminated from the playoffs, but I've still got a shot at being the league's top scorer, and I want it... just so I can tell whoever does end up winning the league title that they are a paper champion. I'm starting a WR trio of Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Brandon Stokely. Light it up, Peyton.
There's a turnover or near turnover about every 30 seconds between the Giants/Ravens and Browns/Bills game. That's not much of an exaggeration. This is some brutal football. It's not exactly a shock, considering I'm watching Eli Manning, Luke McCown, Kyle Boller, and Drew Bledsoe. And really, that's not such a bad lineup, considering that there are two McCowns starting in the NFL today, in addition to Chris Chandler, who I believe helped to invent the forward pass. It's a shame he's yet to master it.
Ray Lewis happens to get a turnover of some kind, which is not much of an accomplishment in this game. And of course, he breaks out that lame-ass dance. I just can't believe an adult human being does this. There are manlier dance movies in the disco scene in Starsky and Hutch.
Each pass the Giants throw is a long one. You may argue that that's asking too much of rookie quarterback Eli Manning, but... I'd argue that it's a pretty solid strategy, considering that there's about a 65% chance that each pass he throws is going to get intercepted... might as well have it intercepted 40 yards downfield.
The Bengals tie the Patriots 7-7. According to my correspondent Spiros, who's watching the game in the back with Danks, the Patriots can't stop the run, and the Bengals have a good shot to win this game.
The Minnesota/Seattle game, sponsored by Gyne-Lotrimin, has gone from 10-0 Minnesota to 14-10 Seattle to 20-14 Minnesota. I applaud both teams for actually going to the trouble of scoring touchdowns and pretending they have any interest in getting a victory.
David Carr fumbles, and appears to fall on the ball. Raheem Brock of the Colts, however, goes about 6'4", 300, and has other ideas. He falls on Carr, and he either takes the ball from him, or threatens to rape and murder each member of Carr's family, and Carr gives him the ball. Probably a wise move.
With under 5:00 to play in the first half, the Browns have 1 total yard. I told you, Terry Robiskie, it's not worth it. There's no shame in quitting. It's warm inside, man... quit. Let someone see what they can get out of the Luke McCown scoring machine.
And speaking of great quarterbacks, Eli Manning at the half is 3/11 for 21 yards, 0 TDs, and 1 INT. And he really hasn't played as well as his stats would indicate.
Woops, I spoke prematurely. Eli finds a few seconds right before halftime to throw complete another pass to a Raven. Very accurate, hit him right in the numbers... and the Ravens, not that they need it, turned it into a field goal. Correction: 3/12, 21 yards, 0 TDs, and 2 INTs. And it's 27-7 Ravens.
The Browns have doubled their yardage output. They have 2 total yards now.
Domanick Davis is a workhorse for the Texans, and is keeping them in the game. And while I'm on the subject, the Texans are putting together a nice blueprint for how to beat the Colts. Step 1, run the ball. The Colts can't stop it, and it keeps Peyton off the field. Step 2, don't blitz, drop 7 or 8, and put another cornerback on the slot receiver. Dunta Robinson is playing that role today against Brandon Stokely. Nice job, Dom Capers, though you're killing my fantasy team.
And here's something to think about: The Patriots, Steelers, and Chargers are the teams that the Colts have to get through in the playoffs, and none of those three teams have a 3rd corner that I'd trust to cover any wide receiver with experience beyond the high school level.
Todd Heap makes a sweet touchdown catch. If Randy Moss was a big white tight end, this is what his catches would look like. Terribly thrown ball by Kyle Boller, but Heap reaches down over the defender in front of him and hauls it in. Very nice.
Up 37-7 now, Brian Billick is completely reaming someone on the sidelines.
Danks and Spiros relay this Crazy Fish Guy story to me today: A couple of young punks roll in during the 2nd half, and are looking for a place to sit. He, of course, doesn't mind at all. One of the punks asks him if he's a Cowboys fan, and he looks at his gambling sheet and says, "I am today!"
And by the way, asking Crazy Fish Guy if he's a Cowboys fan is like asking Malcolm X if he's a Pat Robertson fan. Learn your history, young bucks... that man is a legend. Crazy Fish Guy, I mean.
When the Chargers and Steelers play at the same time, as they do today, I really don't have any time to watch other games or take many notes. I also don't have any time to wait for this big white fuck in the Bills game to be injured. The Bolts are on in about 5 minutes, and the TV guy isn't going to put them on until this game is over, so no one has time for you to be faking an injury. Get up, pussy.
I haven't seen a lot of Tampa Bay this year... I forgot how much I hate Jon Gruden. No coach in the history of the NFL has been more conscious of the TV cameras. You can just see him thinking, "This is a good time for the cameras to be on me... watch me look MEAN! GRRRRR!"
I'm really not watching much of the Steelers/Jets game, but... it appears as if Ben Roethsliberger is struggling. I can hear the commentary, though, and Phil Simms apparently believes that the Jets are the greatest team of all time and that the Steelers are lucky to be hanging with them.
There are some Bucs fans here that appear to be legitimate Bucs fans. One of them says he has season tickets. They don't seem like bad guys, although if I had the chance, I'd still dunk my wang in their pitcher of beer.
The first scoring in the Chargers game doesn't come until the 2nd quarter, when Drew Brees hits Eric Parker with a deep ball. Nice work by Drew and EP, but thank you, LaDanian Tomlinson, for forcing the Bucs to respect play action.
Drew Brees throws his 2nd interception of the day... not good.
A bunch of guys sitting a few tables a way are apparently having trouble getting service. They unfold a napkin, and make a big sign that says, "WHO'S OUR SERVER?"
Phil Simms: "The Steelers are in the lead, and will probably win this game, despite the fact that the Jets are the most unstoppable force in the history of modern football."
Kassim Osgood... TOUCHDOWN! He plays for the Chargers, by the way.
There's a guy sitting behind us, pretending to be a Jets fan, just to antagonize all the Steelers fans in the bar. He clearly doesn't care much about the game, and is screaming unintelligible things about the Jets. Some middle-aged woman in front turns around and yells something at him that ends with "MOTHERFUCKER!"
Fucking Joey Galloway is lighting us up today. Even the Bucs fans call him "china doll."
Phil Simms: "If I was a girl, I'd sure like to be Jonathan Vilma's girlfriend."
LaDanian Tomlinson accounts for about all the yards during this current Chargers drive... and the Bolts are back on top.
Wow... Chris Chandler currently has six interceptions. How does an NFL team not have a backup better than Chris Chandler. The man is nearly 70 years old, and truth be told... he hasn't that good when he was 25.
Donnie Edwards... INTERCEPTION. TO THE HOUSE. Awww yeah... Man, Donnie Edwards makes plays. In fact, these past three weeks, the Chargers defense has bent, but in the fourth quarter when we needed to make something happen, someone has been there to make a play.
Phil Simms: "J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!"
And a failed onside kick attempt by the Bucs will end the game, and will also end the Smorgasbord for this week. Take it easy...
