Sunday, December 26, 2004
| Week 16 - 2004/2005 |
Welcome back to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord here on themightymjd.com. I hope you all had a great Christmas... unless you're a Raider fan, in which case, I hope Santa Claus raped your wife.
Before we start, just a quick note from a game earlier in the week... the Minnesota Vikings are bitches. If your team is playing the Vikings, and you're down by 17 or fewer points when the fourth quarter starts, you've got it locked up. Provided, of course, that you can make an extra point.
Not a big crowd at the sports bar today, which is to be expected with the holidays and all. But the kind of people that are here are people who I've never seen before, which means 1) they probably aren't big football fans, just random stragglers, and 2) they're not gonna recognize. There's already a group of motherfuckers at my table... the stage is set for some annoyance.
I am, unfortunately, not joined by Danks or AJ this week... so a quick shout-out to both of them. But I am joined by my brother, who, courtesy of his wife, is going to Steelers Fantasy Camp sometime in 2005. He who also just bought me a bad-ass mp3 player for Christmas, for which I am extremely grateful, in fact, I'm listening to as I write this. His wife is also here, sporting a fresh Chargers powder-blue t-shirt, which I got her for Christmas yesterday.
On ESPN's Sunday Countdown, Tom Jackson's doing his usual shirt/jacket/tie all the same color routine, but this week... it's red. He looks like he's about to bust through a brick wall on a skateboard and offer everyone Kool Aid. Man, Deion Sanders wouldn't wear that suit.
CBS has a little package on Drew Brees visiting wounded soldiers, which I think proves that Drew Brees is a superior human being in every way. I don't see Peyton Manning visiting any soldiers. Of course, if Peyton wants to visit someone in a really bad situation, risking life and limb every week for no good reason, he can always swing by Eli's house.
Charger linebacker Steve Foley is on ESPN, watching game film with someone... Suzy Kolber, I think. He's wearing knee-high white tube socks, which I think is a terrific way to distract everyone from his... well... less-than-handsome face. I think Steve Foley and Edgerrin James go to strip clubs together with hundred dollar bills falling out of their pockets, and they still can't get any attention.
Tom Jackson says some people are calling Chargers DT Jamal Williams "the dominant defensive player in football." Nice and all, but I'm a little uncomfortable with all the attention we're getting this morning.
And here's Michael Irvin to relieve the situation, saying that we have no chance against the Colts. Dick.
By the way... that sucks about Reggie White, doesn't it? Much love to the White family. Terrible thing.
I don't know how I know this, but I'm pretty sure that Drew Brees is going to throw a high interception today. Call it woman's intuition.
Man, I really don't want Peyton to get the record today. I don't want it to be the Chargers in that highlight, which, between now and when I die, I'll probably see about 282,726 times.
By the way, the fact that the Eagles have nine Pro Bowlers is about two things: 1) There are about 13 good football players in the NFC, and 2) The Eagles are always on national TV and all over the media in general. And the votes of coaches and players are influenced by that just as much as the votes of fans.
Games I'm seeing right now are Chargers/Colts, Steelers/Ravens, and Jags/Texans.
Plaxico Burress has made his return to the lineup today, which will make a huge difference for the Steelers. He hauls in about a 40-yard TV, from Ben Roethlisberger, who I'm not calling Big Ben, because that belongs to Ben Wallace... or one of the other 812 Bens in sports history who have probably been called "Big Ben."
Speaking of Ben... there's a weird-ass sign in Heinz Field. It calls Ben a "Godsend" and has some weirdly homoerotic picture of him laying there and extending a hand to the people of Pittsburgh. That's... well, that's not cool. I understand you like him, Pittsburgh, but I hope we can draw the line short of forming religious cults around him.
The Colts do this thing where at random times, they'll get to the line of scrimmage immediately after the next play and snap the ball, hoping to catch the defense either offsides or out of position. I don't know if they do this all the time, or just this week against us, but... that's kinda gay. I mean, if you want to beat us, try to actually just line up and beat us. There's always that route. Peyton Manning's the kind of guy who finds the one play in a video game that works every time, and just does it over and over until the other guy punches him in the face.
Peyton's in the redzone... and he throws a strike complete to Donnie Edwards. Cut THIS meat, skirt.
By the way... Donnie Edwards, by some criminal action, is not in the Pro Bowl. To say that I'm biased is a bit of an understatement, but I'd like to think that even if I was being 100% objective, I'd say Donnie Edwards should be a starting Pro Bowler. The same people that George W. in the White House in 2000 are probably also behind Ray Lewis being a Pro Bowler in 2004.
And on the ensuing possession, LaDainian catches a pass thrown behind him with his left hand, and... HOUSE. Man, that was quick. If Tomlinson played on this bitch-ass turf every week, record books would be in trouble. Really, it makes a huge difference. The Colts might as well just play on roller skates.
The Chargers defense gets another redzone stop... but Mike Vanderjagt, who also bothers me in a lot of ways, converts. 7-3 good guys. I haven't realized until right now just how many different things bother me about the Colts.
DON CHEADLE PLAYOFF COMMERCIAL. Yeah, that's smooth, right there. I love Don Cheadle. I wish for Christmas that someone had made me a DVD of the Nextel commercial with the dudes dancing, and a few Don Cheadle playoffs commercials, and just put them all on a continuous loop.
Tim Dwight is probably the worst kickoff return guy in the NFL that doesn't have a fumbling problem. Just thought I'd mention it.
Peyton looks a little frazzled in the first half. He's missing a lot of throws, and every time he gets some pressure on him, he's yelling at his offensive linemen. Funny, but I didn't see Tarik Glenn or Ryan Diem jump his shit when he hit Donnie Edwards in the numbers back there inside the 5-yard-line. What a cock.
The Jags are down 14-0 against the Texans. I'm not really watching that game, but... man, if the Jags can't beat the Texans at home in Week 16, they don't deserve a playoff spot. Well, they deserve one more than Seattle or Minnesota, but still... the Jags aren't handling their B.I. Which is surprising. I wouldn't have guessed this would happen.
Do you think Peyton Manning ever calls Eli and thanks him for making it so that Peyton is no longer the goofiest redneck in the league?
And Ray Lewis goes for a ride on Jerome Bettis. He went to wrap him up for the tackle, but Jerome just decided to carry him about six yards on his back. Jerome carried him just like his reputation is carrying him to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl.
Drew Brees drops back, has a man in the endzone... and WHEN YOU GOIN' LET ME FUUUUUCK, MISS PARKER? It's Eric Parker for 6. 17-3 Chargers.
CBS shows a shot of Brian Billick on the sidelines, and my brother goes, "I'd like to fist his mother." And he's not kidding, he actually would.
Antawn Randle-El makes ridiculous catch. You might not see it on Primetime, but it was remarkable nonetheless. He just stuck his hand out, completely extended from his body, and caught the ball. He didn't haul it in to his body, he didn't use another hand, he just speared the thing. Amazing. Either he's got about a half pound of crazy glue on his gloves, or they've switched to a Nerf ball for this game.
Hines Ward hauls in a catch for about 10 yards, and Ray Lewis makes the stop. Ray, of course, gets up and starts talking. Hines Ward is openly laughing at him. This is enjoyable.
And on the next play, Jerome Bettis sheds Ray again. Man, the Steelers are moosing (that's a verb, meaning "to moose") the Ravens around on this drive. If my man AJ was here, he'd be yelling about how he can see Ray's pussy. Either that, or about how he needs to "change his vagina pad."
The Steelers cap off that drive at 8 minutes and 34 seconds, 14 plays, 12 of which were runs straight up the Ravens asshole.
Terrell Suggs, on the last play of that drive, watched Ben Roethlisberger throw a touchdown pass, took another second, and then hit him. That's what players do when they're beaten in every other possible way, feel embarrassed and scared, and have nothing else to do.
This Colts "fan" rolls in at halftime, and sits at the table in front of us, which has been slightly annoying anyway. And immediately, the rest of them start cheering for the Colts, too. This one girl in particular is standing up and screaming for Peyton Manning... she has frosted, frizzy, crimped hair, and apparently believes that it's 1987. She's got enough makeup on so that if I blew it on her face, I think it would just slide right off.
By the way, that's probably the filthiest thing that's ever been in the Smorgasbord, and I'm ashamed that I thought of it. I am.
The Colts get the ball, and on three straight plays, Peyton Manning is running for his life. 3 and out, and more verbal abuse for the offensive line.
On the ensuing possession, Antonio Gates catches a shovel pass for a touchdown, and sets the all-time record for touchdowns by a tight-end in a season. Pretty amazing for a guy who only two teams in the entire NFL thought was worth a look as an undrafted free agent.
Ben Roethlisberger comes out for the next possession, looking hobbled. I can't tell what it is, but he's in pain, and he's not moving well.
By the way, the Sunday night game... Browns/Dolphins. Ouch. My brother suggests that they both be required to wear their all-orange uniforms, just to kinda spice things up. There's no other possible way that that game's going to be interesting. Nick Saban, I should also mention, I don't think is going to do all that well. He might be a great coach, but... I don't know why a college guy comes in and thinks he should have control over all personnel decisions. I don't see that working well.
Looks like Roethlisberger is heading to the sidelines. Some Steeler fans in the area seem nervous about having to deal with Tommy Maddox, but... as long as he can hand the ball off effectively, it doesn't look like there's much the Ravens will be able to do about it.
And Peyton gets his record-tying 48th TD on a shovel pass. Kind of a weak way to get it. 1) They copied what the Chargers just did a few minutes ago, and 2) I dunno, but if it was me going for that record, I might actually feel like earning it. But maybe that's just me.
CBS's poll of the day: Can the Eagles make it to the Super Bowl without Terrell Owens? Well, since they weren't going to make it to the Super Bowl with Terrell Owens, I tend to doubt it. How long before Eagles fans start making up a curse?
LaDainian Tomlinson houses another one... and it's 31-16 good guys. I feel good about how we've played, but I do have this nagging feeling... I just have a feeling that goofy redneck fuck is going to get hot sooner or later.
But maybe he won't have to... Dominic Rhodes takes the ensuing kickoff to the house. Yikes.
And the Steelers wrap it up against the Ravens, and they will have homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. The Steelers aren't a perfect team, but we'll see what happens with Ben Roethlisberger's injury, but... I don't know who's going into Pittsburgh, and dealing successfully with that offensive line, running game, and attacking defense.
Colts, down 8, are driving again... the drive stalls, and on comes Mike Vanderjagt, who doinks one off the post. Now let's finish this bitch off.
And we can't... we punt (when I think we might've been in field goal range, by the way, especially in that pussy-ass dome) and Peyton takes over at his own 20 with 3:42 to play.
And they tie it up. You saw the highlight. Fuck. Goofy redneck got the record, too.
The Chargers have under a minute, with one more chance to get into field goal range... and there's the high interception by Drew Brees. We're going to overtime.
Randy Cross is giving Peyton Manning credit for "keeping the focus on the team instead of the record." Well, what did you expect him to do... throw the pass, and personally organize a fireworks display in his own honor? Stop and grab the microphone, and deliver his hall-of-fame induction speech? I don't get it. He kept playing football. I guess that's an accomplishment. What a great man.
So, we kicked off, we melted down Vikings-style, they drove, and they scored. But fuck it. Here's why I'm not too upset about this loss...
1) As long as the Patriots win, which they will, it's really not going to change what we'll have to do in the playoffs,
2) A loss at this point will underscore for the players that we still have a lot of work to do, and we need to keep getting better, and
3) I know we're a better football team than they are, and I know that as soon as the playoffs roll around, and the Colts play a tough team on the road, there's no chance that the Colts are winning that game.
And I can't stay for the late games this week... there are still family Christmas weekend things to be done. So take it easy, I'll get back at ya next week.
