Monday, January 19, 2004
| Championship Sunday - 2003/2004 |
So the football action isn't starting until 3 o'clock today, but this could be the last Smorgasbord and I don't wanna shortchange anyone. I'm still getting there at 12:30 to take in the Spurs/Celtics game. Some of you may not be down with pro hoops (and judging from the number of hits on the "Throwin' 'Bows" articles, most of you aren't... fucking pricks), but you're just going to have to deal. There won't be a ton of actual basketball updates... just consider it a pregame show.
I walk in, of course, to an empty bar... and my ex-girlfriend is sitting at the bar enjoying a meal by her lonesome. She waves and gives me a bubbly "Hi!" and I smile and return it... but she can fucking forget about it. The Good Ship MJD has sailed, lady.
Actually, I'm in love with her again. But I've always wanted to say "The Good Ship MJD has sailed." We're back together again. Touching conclusion to the Smorgasbords, is it not?
The ABC Hoops pregame is live from Times Square... and there's an absolutely massive advertisement in Times Square for My Little Pony™. I had no idea My Little Pony™ was back in. Man, those were some cute little ponies, weren't they? By far, the most oddly attractive little pony toys ever created... I'm not saying that I was ever scolded as a child for forcing G.I. Joe and My Little Pony™ into compromising sexual positions or anything, but hey... those were some cute ponies.
It's in my head, so I'm going to share... Suga Suga, how ya get so fly? Suga Suga, how ya get so flyyyyy... God, that song is so brutal. What a childish and weak little song. Why is it that music is the only profession in America where the worse you actually are, the more likely you are to succeed...? Whoever "wrote" that thing and thought they made a musical accomplishment needs to be beaten savagely with a bag of hammers. It was playing in the car on the way home, and it's suck in my head, and on the odd chance that you're the guy who called "Open House Party" to request that song, you are a total fucking loser. Loser. Understand it... you are a loser.
Bowling is on one of the TVs now... and there's a sign that says, "PBA is A-OK!" What kind of a person makes a sign that says, "PBA is A-OK!"?
My man Nate is in the house this week. Nate's not much of a football fan, but... he's a fun guy to hang out with. He races some little Supercross Bikes or something, I dunno... he partakes in some pretend sport on a motorbike. And he's insisted that the Supercross race be on one of the TVs here today. I watch for like an hour, and not one single dude pops a wheelie. Weak.
We're hearing Top 40 jukebox music in the bar right now... only for football do we get to hear the commentary. And just as Danks comments that Ricky Davis of the Celtics looks like Dre from Outkast... "I Like the Way You Move" comes on. That was just odd.
My man Chris shows up... and begins drinking immediately. Despite the fact that we'll be here in excess of 10 hours today.
Speaking of NBA players who look like celebrities. Jiri Welsch looks like Drew Barrymore with a different hairstyle.
Chris says it's his dream to get rich enough to purchase the University of Maine so he can make their mascot "The Gay Lobsters." I recommend a couple of Lobster mascots on the sidelines, running around with pink triangles on their claws, making out after touchdowns. I think we're on to something here.
The Celtics get worked over... and kickoff is approaching. This is the best football weekend of the year. Clearly and without question. I'm sure over the course of this week you'll hear more about why I hate the fucking Super Bowl. I actually boycotted it last year. Didn't watch a second of it.
Hey, I wonder what Bryant Gumbel was like back when he was black.
Just as the AFC Championship Game kicks off... Chris is talking about playing softball with a gymnast. I have no friends.
Stats on the Patriots first drive: 13 plays, 65 yards, 7:11 off the clock, 126 times Evans said the words, "I hate the fucking Patriots."
I suppose I should give some background there. Chris and I have been highly critical of the Patriots (their offense in particular) over the past couple of seasons. Offensively... they just aren't a team to be respected. They do not have a manly running game. They do not throw the ball downfield. Their offense is built around the 3 and 4 yard pass that is always open and just very very weak. As Chris said today, it's like playing Madden against someone who throws screen passes all day. Also, if you look back at most of the key games they've won in the playoffs, they usually get some weird thing to happen during the game or at the end of the game. It's true... the tuck rule. What happened at the end of today's game. The AFC Championship game against the Steelers they had some highly improbable plays. It's just difficult to respect them, but it wouldn't be fair to say all this and not mention that they are superbly coached and have an outstanding defense. So there. That's pretty much the story of Chris's hatred... and it's just getting started.
For whatever it's worth, I thought Tom Brady was very impressive on the opening drive, and not in a weak 4-yard-pass kind of a way. I'm also slightly in favor of the Patriots today because of Rodney Harrison, a long-time MJD Favorite who was flipped over and done dry by the Chargers organization. I like seeing him get his chance at a ring, because I think it's clear that it was never going to fucking happen in San Diego.
My man Blohmmer has shown an uncanny ability to pour a beer and get the head to rise well above the top of the mug, and then just as it rises to its apex and threatens to spill, retreats safely back into the glass... it's a thing of beauty. Chris attempts it... and he looks like a small child trying to pour their own Kool-Aid for the first time in their young life. It isn't pretty.
Rodney, by the way, had like five tackles and in interception on the opening drive. He's one of the few guys that I would pay to watch football. I'm enjoying watching a defense and a defensive coordinator that actually knows how to use him.
"I hate the fucking Patriots." - Chris, for the 319th time.
And to this point in the game, Tom Brady has thrown two long passes... and both have nearly been intercepted. Tom Brady is very good in a lot of ways, but if it's a pass longer than 4 yards... he's about 23rd on the list of guys you want throwing it for you.
My man Jim makes his customary 2nd quarter entrance. Jim also wants to drink, but once again... has forgotten his wallet. Jim did drink, and I can't go into details, but the words "weed reimbursement" and "herbal compensation" were being thrown around the table.
It's 10-0 Pats, and Peyton throws his 2nd pick. Uh-oh...
On a 4th down play in the 1st half, a Colts defender busts through the line, and is clearly and blatantly held by a Patriots offensive lineman. No call... and they pick up the first down. Huge break for the Pats.
"Fuckin' Patriots. I fuckin' hate 'em." - Chris.
Y'know, it just dawned on me... I'm not going to see Crazy Fish Guy for about another 8 months. 8 months, no Crazy Fish Guy... I'm having a difficult time coming to terms with this. So if you happen to know Crazy Fish Guy... please click the "contact" link at the top of the page and let me know how I can harass him at home.
So, this Colts guy is back to punt... and in case you missed any and all pre-game talk over the past week, let me fill you in: He has not punted a football since he was six years old. I'm predicting a pulled hammy on this effort...
...and as it turns out, the punter wasn't the one who was rusty, but it was the long snapper. Snapped it right over his head. Safety for the Pats.
"They get the fuckin' luckiest, gayest BULLSHIT." - Chris, becoming angrier and drunker by the minute.
Lonely Blue-Haired Colts fan... is leaving at the half. There are few things sadder to look at than a blue-haired guy who just watched his team be abused. And how he's leaving. Lonely Blue-Haired Colts fan, we hardly knew ye.
A teacher from high school who once told my friends Jim and A.J. that they were worthless human beings and would never amount to anything has been spotted in the bar. I didn't really know the guy, but... I dunno, something about the day makes me not adverse to the idea of kicking an old man down a flight of stairs.
Alright, the Patriots mascot guy... is gay. I don't say this to insult the man, but... look at him. He is clearly homosexual. I think we should all applaud the Patriots organization for taking this progressive step towards equality.
There are hundreds of people packed into this bar today... and it's obvious that about 9 of them have any serious interest in football. As the Colts line up for a kick return, someone behind me asks, "WHERE'S 'HE HATE ME'?" Um, I'm guessing he's probably somewhere near Lincoln Financial Field right now, assface.
Ty Law records another pick... and right now, I'm just happy for my man Danks. Peyton Manning has no answers for Bill Belichick's D.
"I hate the fuckin' Patriots." - Chris, angrier and drunker than before, and getting furious with me for being happy for Danks.
The Patriots get a key first down on some incredibly lucky deflection catch. Chris, seething with anger and turning a few different colors, says, "I bet the commentators are talking about what great focus and concentration he had."
4th quarter now, the Colts get an interception in the endzone... and it's all on you right now, Peyton.
On a 4th and 13 for the Colts, the tactical football genius behind me calls for Peyton Manning to run a quarterback draw.
CBS zooms in for a shot of a Pats cheerleader... and wow, she's got a huge nose. Attractive girl, probably very sweet and a terrific cook, but... damn, that's a blowhole. Her nose could start at free safety for at least 10 NFL teams. It deserves an invite to the combine, at least.
Chris is seriously angry right now. Not like unemotionally-involved sports fan anger that will be gone in ten minutes, but he's about as mad as the Samuel Jackson character in Changing Lanes. His anger kinda puts a damper on the mood of the table. For most of the 4th quarter, everyone is fairly quiet.
2:00 to play, the Colts have 2 timeouts on the ball on the 20. Do you want to be a man, Peyton Manning? Now is the time.
Guy at the table next to us yells, "All the sudden, I'm a bigger Colts fan than I am a Giants fan!" I admire his hardcore loyalty. He was wearing a Steelers hat, by the way.
The Colts are robbed on what clearly should have been two defensive holding calls at the end of the game. Clearly.
"___." - Chris, too angry to speak, silently wishing that bad things would happen to Danks.
The Pats take the ball back to run out the clock, and someone yells, "Call a timeout that you don't have!" I think it actually might've been Bill Callahan.
Lots of Eagles fans showing up... you can tell by the increase in cologne and decrease in overall IQ in the room. I think we can all agree that Eagles fans are pretty annoying... certainly a few notches higher on the evolutionary chain than Raiders fan, but still... bordering on subhuman. We're all going to be loud (and drunk) fake-ass Panthers fans today, and just see what happens.
A guy in a Giants hat starts a "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant... Ah, loyalty.
Chris continues to try and have a pretty beer pour with a head that rises above the top of the glass but doesn't spill... but he just can't do it. Every time, he either just tries to put in one drop at a time, or ends up spilling about four ounces of beer on the table.
The atmosphere in getting charged in here. Lots of anticipation and excitement. Eagles fans are plentiful and ready to be loud, but... I think a lot of people are going to be cheering for the Panthers, too.
Danks gets up to go to the bathroom after the Pats have won, and immediately says, "I just stood up and realized... damn, I'm drunk."
And that was immediately followed by Danks saying, "I just ashed in my beer."
McNabb goes down early in the game... and they show Koy Detmer warming up on the sidelines, and Danks yells, "YEAH, I HAVE THE SAME NAME AS A FISH!" Nate and Chris stare at him blankly... and Danks goes, "So yeah... there's a fish called koi."
So, the "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant is becoming commonplace now... so everyone at our table chants, "S-U-C-K" at it's conclusion, every single time.
McNabb throws a pick... and Danks walks to the front of the room, stands directly in front of the television and gives the signal for possession to Carolina. My favorite moment of the day so far.
Danks, back at the table now, is talking shit to Eagles fans in full-on Tollbooth Willie mode. He's threatening to "fuckin' Cahlton Fisk somebody's head with a Louisville fuckin' Sluggah." I've never been so proud of him.
Can anyone explain to me why this BillJoeJimBobDaleRustyKenny goofy redneck NASCAR bastard is involved with Fox's halftime show?
Danks, with beer actually dripping from his nose and his chin, yells, "WE NEED ANOTHER PITCHER!"
A guy sitting at the bar actually sends us a pitcher of beer and comes over and says, "This is just so you keep doing the S-U-C-K chant at the conclusion of each E-A-G-L-E-S chant." That's awesome... I assure him, he won't be disappointed.
Danks is now talking about how we need to invade Canada for the gold. The Danks train... has derailed.
Ricky Manning comes up with an interception for the Panthers. He is, by the way, no relation to Peyton.
Nate, Danks, and his buddy Seth are now singing at the top of their lungs, Adam Sandler's "Medium Pace." If you aren't familiar with that tune, I highly recommend checking out the lyrics here. Keep in mind... at the top of their lungs, and they made it through nearly the whole song.
An Eagles fan across the room is yelling at us that the Eagles were down last week and came back... It was good-natured and fun at that point, and Nate yells back at the guy, "THAT WAS LAST WEEK, SO WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP?" Guy turns around and extends his middle finger in our direction for about a full minute.
We've been sent another pitcher of beer by the guy who likes the S-U-C-K chant. It comes right after DeShaun Foster broke off that extremely manly touchdown run... and the Eagles fan across the room gave us the finger again.
Danks and Seth have also now mastered the pretty beer pour... and Chris continues to put more and more beer onto the table and into the carpet. He tries three in a row... spills over his own glass, and then tries to fill Danks' and Seth's glasses, and spills over their mugs, too. It's starting to remind me of watching Craig Whelihan try to play quarterback... some people just aren't born to do certain things, and there comes a time when they have to just accept it.
I'm about the only person at the table who isn't visibly fucked-up beyond a reasonable level. "I can't believe they're still serving us beer," says Danks. Me neither. But they are.
Our conversation turns to academics (very briefly, I assure you) and Nate says, "Alcohol is the only thing keeping me at this school."
The Eagles pick up a holding call... and we chant, "H-O-L-D-I-N-G."
Donovan McNabb goes down, and can't get up... as a Panthers d-lineman stands over him, I yell, "KICK HIM!" I didn't know about his ribs at the time, we couldn't hear the TV at all. So, um... I'm sorry. Kinda.
The Panthers fumble... Eagles fans are excited. We hear the "E-A-G-L-E-S" chant... and then a replay shows the Panther player was clearly down, and we chant, "C-H-A-L-L-E-N-G-E." I wanted us to spell out "overturned" afterwards, but... today's a day where it's probably best not to get too ambitious with our spelling capabilities.
A couple of girls are sitting with the Eagles fans across the room, and they're yelling something at us, a little upset. We can't hear what they're saying, but Nate looks over at the girl and yells, "SCOREBOARD, BITCH."
And the guy sends us a 3rd pitcher... just hammered, all around.
The yelling between Nate and the girls continues... and Nate calls one of them a "retard." So the other girl walks over to our table looks at Nate (probably the most in-shape guy in the bar, by the way) and goes, "You're twenty pounds overweight and you need a new hat," and she flips his hat backwards off his head.
The girl has tight twin pigtails and after her fit, she's walking away and Chris yells, "YOU NEED TO TAKE IT EASY, PRINCESS LEIA."
The Eagles fan across the room is getting into it with another Jersey guy (but non-Eagles fan) at a nearby table... and they're about to rumble when a couple of bouncers come over and have to break it up. About five different guys were involved, I don't know who wanted to fight who, but I'm glad it didn't go down... I don't think anyone would've been able to stand that kind of cologne-mixing.
So as the game winds down and the Panthers wrap things up, the two girls come over to our table, and are acting all cute and apologetic. Nate apologizes for his use of the word "retard" (as he should, obviously) and then... in an odd and awkward moment, she kisses him on the mouth.
So the girls are hanging around the table now, and it seems like a prime opportunity for Danks to run some game... instead, he ends up talking about where his mom went to high school in Philly. Solid move.
Meanwhile, the beer is still flowing freely at the table. Danks looks up at the TV and goes, "Hey, the game's over. I had no idea."
These girls are still hanging around, hugging, kissing, or touching everything that moves... and some random old guy sees what's happening and walks over and takes full advantage of the situation, and squeezes up on both of them before leaving. Nice work, old man.
Getting the bill... the total count was 15 pitchers of beer, the overwhelming majority of which were consumed by Chris and Danks.
As we're leaving, a couple of Eagles fans are actually fighting in the stairwell on the way out. They were guys who knew each other, friends actually, and one of them got upset because his friend upset the wings that he was taking out in a box. So they fought. Good idea. One of our girls, who was leaving at the same time, actually got clocked in the face during the fracas. Way to be, Eagles fan.
Nate walks over to the two girls, who have now gone to sit at the bar, and puts his arms around them... and gets kissed again. Nice work, Nate.
And that'll about do it for this week's Smorgasbord. I don't know where (or if) I'll be watching the Super Bowl, but it won't be at the bar again... they've got some ridiculous cover charge on Super Bowl Sunday. So I'm undecided... so I may or may not have something for you after the Super Bowl. But I hope you've enjoyed... Peace.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:51 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 12, 2004
| Divisional Weekend - 2003/2004 |
Checking out the last few minutes of the CBS pre-game show, Danks brings up the idea of a flag football tournament between the pre-game show teams. I say we exclude ringers like Keyshawn and Shannon Sharpe... and I'm giving the edge to CBS. Deion is clearly the best athlete involved, and Jim Nantz has a solid edge over either James Brown or Chris Berman.
CBS is doing a pre-game feature on the Eagles' season, and a few Eagles players are talking about what they would've done if Rush Limbaugh had singled them out instead of Donovan McNabb. N.D. Kalu says he doesn't believe in turning the other cheek... and would've said something about rush being a junkie. I feel you, N.D.
Wow... it is fucking loud in Kansas City. Of course, if I was heading into a playoff game against Peyton Manning with that secondary, I'd probably be screaming in terror, too.
Danks says that if he were an NFL head coach, he'd bring in Don Cheadle to give the pre-game and halftime motivational talks. I've heard worse ideas.
Before I can ever order a glass of water, Peyton Manning is shredding the Chiefs defense... with ease. Kansas City is fucked.
Alright, maybe it's a tad premature to call a team fucked before Priest Holmes has a chance to touch the ball. That guy is decent. The Priest molests his team all the way up the field before settling for a field goal.
That citibank commercial where the dude has a woman's voice dubbed over his, talking about a $1500 leather bustier... overrated. Don't laugh at it. You'll only encourage more.
While on the subject of commercials... making a strong case for the most annoying word in commercial history: Hemi.
A sign in the KC crowd reads: "FOR ROOKIE FAN'S: YELL." Tremendous lesson for the rookies, but I guess they don't cover proper use of apostrophes until the 2nd season.
Who's this guy catching a TD for the Colts? Lopienski? Lebowski? I dunno. Brandon Stokely is already lighting it up. It's as if Peyton Manning is on a mission to prove that you don't need black people on your team to be successful in the NFL.
Early in the game, Danks feels good about the Patriots chances against either of these teams. Myself, I can't really tell how the Patriots would fare because neither team has attempted a 3-year out pattern yet.
Johnnie Morton, wide open, sees a pass bounce off his hands. I yell for him to do the worm anyway.
Does Morten Anderson wear a toy football helmet? It looks like something he took from a trick-or-treater. His facemask just doesn't look real. I built sturdier things in Mr. Six's shop class.
Somehow, Suzanne Somers comes up in conversation. Don't ask me how. As it turns out, my man A.J. has a bit of a thing for her. It's actually... I dunno what to call it. To say it's an obsession really kinda cheapens the intense feelings he has for her. Regardless of what it's called, it's disturbing. A direct quote: "I seriously have a problem with her. I'm being dead serious, man." I taunt him with the fact that I received the first season of Three's Company on DVD for Christmas. He began to salivate. We've all got our celebrity crushes... but A.J.'s thing for Suzanne Somers... he requires therapy. And it's not even Suzanne Somers of 15 years ago, A.J. would go for Suzanne Somers right now. Thankfully, he lacks the financial ability to actually stalk her. If he would happen to win the lottery, well... I hope Suzanne has a good security system.
So all of this leads to more "celebrity hottie" talk... Rene Russo comes up. My man Chris mentions the Thomas Crown Affair, a movie in which (in his words), Rene Russo "dirtied herself." At the very mention of the scene, A.J. and Danks raise their glasses to toast.
The Patriots offense is being discussed again, and Chris, Steelers fan, says he'd rather lose than run the Patriots "weak" offense, which consists mainly of passes 4 yards and under. Myself, being a Chargers fan... I'll stuff the ball under the center's shirt and have him run blindfolded into the field goal posts if it means another win or two. I just don't care... I want a winning season, and I would lie, cheat, steal, or run the Patriots offense to get one.
Priest breaks off about a 50 yard run... and just after the lone woman at our table, Lady E, implores him to put the ball away... he coughs it up. That's a game-turner.
My man Jim rolls in at about 2:30, having broke his cell phone last night. He called a pizza place, they said they were closed, so he spiked his phone. Jim is a child and a moron. Apparently, this place sells 20 inch pizzas... so Jim called up and goes, "Yo, I wanna roll on dubs." And the person who answered the phone says, "What are you talking about?"
Jim, by the way, has failed to make any travel arrangements for himself and will be missing his entire first day of classes.
I guess Reggie Wayne insisted in the huddle that a black man be allowed to catch a touchdown pass, and Peyton obliged. Who says we don't need Affirmative Action in this country?
A kickoff return is housed, courtesy of Dante Hall, or, as I like to call him, "the only reason the Chiefs have a chance to win this game."
Eric Hicks of the Chiefs has a fucking Nike swoosh tat on his arm. I hope he's at least been paid for that... if not... why would someone willingly smear their body with corporate logos?
The winner of the 12-year-old division of the Punt, Pass, and Kick competition... looks just like Tom Brady. The kid and Brady also had similar performances in the "throw it longer than 20 yards" portion of the competition.
The bar is being flooded with Eagle fans. I have no real problems with Donovan McNabb or any of the Eagles, but their fans... animals. I think our table just turned into an aggressive group of Packer fans.
Should the Chiefs have attempted an onside kick with 4:00 to play in the game? Yes. That's all I have to say on the issue. For more extensive information, tune into any sports show between now and Wednesday.
Whoa... the Lonely Colts fan has died his hair blue. Y'know, I admire his dedication, but... well, actually, no I don't. That's just dumb.
We've got a half hour between games... so Danks and I venture down to the bowling alley to check out the league situation and see if any are forming soon and how to get in one. No leagues start until May... so how the fuck am I supposed to satisfy my competitive bowling jones between now and May? I think I've been blackballed because of my obvious physical superiority.
Joe Buck lets us all know that Donovan McNabb came to the game in a luxury ride, and Brett Favre took the bus... Wow, Brett Favre... what a great man. He takes the BUS, ladies and gentlemen... as if this is supposed to have some reflection on their character. I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive Donovan McNabb for hopping in his own car after sleeping in his own bed in his own city and driving to the game, but... he just doesn't have the character of Brett Favre, who, for some really noble reason, didn't drive his own car from Green Bay to the stadium in Philadelphia. Not realizing the value of public transportation is just one of many of McNabb's flaws. I guess Rush Limbaugh was right.
The only guy on the Fox pre-game show I don't hate is Howie Long. Yeah... process that. The only guy I don't hate is the fucking Raider.
Y'know, I'm as down with Brett Favre as anyone, but... Sarah McLachlan's "In the Arms of the Angels" song... it's just a bit much, especially in an NFL pre-game show. Come on.
Frank Caliendo... very solid job with that Rush Limbaugh impression.
The Eagles fan invasion continues... and one guy shows up, but apparently he's been designated to wear the cologne for all 30-or-so Eagles fans in the place. It's just brutal. I've been around a lot of cologne-doused douchefucks before, but this guy... he's ruining the purity of the cigarette-smoke-filled air. Chris says, "I wonder which team he's rooting for..." I get for someone to light up a smoke.
And finally... kickoff. The bar is packed.
The pace of this game, you might say... is a bit different from the early game.
Correll Buckhalter employs his new Roger Dorn-inspired "¡Olè!" blocking technique... McNabb gets hit, coughs it up, and the Pack score on the next play. A good-sized group of fans erupt... I didn't know there were that many people rooting for the Pack here. I guess fans are harder to pick out when they aren't sopping in cologne, rude and unbathed.
A.J. left... but not before drawing an extremely crude vagina in my notebook. If this is any representation of the girls that A.J. has known... he needs to be taking a few of them to the free clinic. They have issues.
It's 14-7, with a 4th and inches at the goal line for the Pack... and they do not get in. I approve of the aggressive call, though. They don't score, but it ends up not really hurting them.
With under a minute left in the half... Donovan McNabb runs out of bounds to conserve time. Two Eagles fans call him a pussy for not taking the hit. Seriously.
Alright... I'm gonna have to bounce at the half. Everyone else is leaving, and I can't withstand the Eagle fan barrage on my own.
A few second half notes, though... kind of a Smorgasbord post script:
Troy Aikman, after Donovan McNabb was tackled after a 5-yard gain by three Packers, says he "almost broke it."
Sherman got scared on the 4th and 1. It's that simple.
The Brett Favre interception... it looked like everyone on the field but Brett thought it was a pass play. He looked to hand the ball off, but Green had flared out. He looked up, saw a receiver running a fly pattern, and he lofted it up... but it was a post corner, the receiver broke, and it was an easy interception. Of course, I could be wrong about all of that.
The Eagles/Panthers game will be a very close one next week... I like the Panthers chances. Oh, and it might not have been the best idea for Donovan McNabb to say, "Oh, we're not worried about Carolina right now," in his postgame comments, no matter how he actually meant that.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:47 PM 0 comments
Monday, January 05, 2004
| Wild Card Weekend - 2003/2004 |
I walked into the Sports Bar this week... the place was packed... security was tight... electricity was in the air. I entered the front room, and the crowd erupted into a chant of "ONE MORE SMORGASBORD! (clap, clap, clapclapclap) ONE MORE SMORGASBORD!" I was moved... and so here it is. ONE MORE SMORGASBORD!
Actually, the place was damn near empty, and since I was gonna be there, I decided, fuck it, why not... one more Smorgasbord. Also, I wouldn't have wanted the last weekend of the Smorgasbord to have gone down without Danks in the house. The ladies deserve more Danks.
For reasons that are very dumb and that wouldn't make very good stories, I got about 3 hours of sleep last night, and am extremely tired. Waking up... was a struggle. It occurred to me as I got out of bed that if it was work that I had to attend today... I might not make it. But it was Wild Card Weekend at the Sports Bar... and here I am.
We'll be treated today to uninterrupted Joe Buck. On three huge TVs, all directly in front of me, it's all Joe Buck, all the time. I hate Joe Buck... but when this realization dawns on Danks, he acts like his dog just died. I've never seen more disdain for a commentator than Danks has for Joe Buck. It runs in the family, too... Señor Danks actually wrote a nasty letter to FOX after the ALCS bitching about Joe Buck. Ah, we only have about 50 more years of him as Fox's #1 football and baseball guy.
With the wind chill, it's 6 degrees in Green Bay. Chris observes that the Seahawks... are fucked.
Before the game, Joe Buck needs to stand in front of the camera holding a cell phone and say, "This is my cell phone." Yes, Joe Buck... that is your cell phone. And you are a tool. Hard to imagine Joe Buck's dad doing that, isn't it? I'm marking this down as the 2nd most embarrassing use of a cell phone this NFL season.
I'm amazed at how stress-free this place can be when the Chargers aren't playing. I didn't know it, but there are people in here every week actually having fun and enjoying themselves, not losing all circulation in their ass and holding their head in their hands as the Chargers get pasted every week.
In a span of about two minutes, Troy Aikman has said the words "naked backside" and Cris Collinsworth said the words "toss crack." If they happened individually, I'd never have noticed, but... coming so close together... strange. Something Freudian is in the air.
While we're on the subject of commentators, there are a few things from Saturday that I want to comment on. One, why is ABC bringing in Jon Gruden for the studio show? You've got Tom Jackson, Michael Irvin, Jaws, any number of people that have been doing this all year, and are good at what they do. But no... we've got to go with the coach who makes fake tough guy faces on the sidelines because he wants to be on TV. And Paul McGuire... y'know, I can't even go into how much I loathe his commentary. I'll just get pissed off, and the rest of the Smorgasbord will be better and every other word will be fuck.
Just as I'm thinking about how I can never watch Najeh Davenport again and not think about him squatting in some girl's closet... he takes a handoff, is stuffed in the backfield, and Cris Collinsworth, I kid you not, says, "Davenport takes the handoff, and all the sudden, there's a big pile in the backfield."
And heading into commercial, Joe Buck says, "Mike McKenzie is looking at Matt Hasselbeck and saying, 'Come and get me, big boy!'" It's official... FOX has a very latently gay vibe today. I can't explain why, but... I like their unusual approach to commentary.
I request that the Raptors/Suns game be put on, so you're going to get a little bonus NBA action. I realize that none of you care about the Raptors/Suns game, but I do... and it's a nice little diversion from Joe Buck. You'll have to deal.
The Suzie Kolber/Joe Namath/I-want-to-kiss-you incident comes up in conversation, and Danks poses an excellent question. What if it had been Lisa Guerrero that Joe propositioned? I'm guessing it wouldn't have been long before they were mugging out, and Joe would've been giving her some serious turf burns right there in the Meadowlands.
The commentators mention the "tuck rule" on a Matt Hasselbeck play, and Danks' eyes immediately light up. All Patriots fans just have a Pavlovian response to the words "tuck rule." I think he may have actually started drooling.
Stephon Marbury's head... is weird. It's not Sam Cassell weird, but it's definitely not normal. His forehead is the size of a Grady Jackson ass cheek. I think Steph is a guy that could benefit from a crazy afro.
This game is turning into a very-well-placed-Brett-Favre-lob fest.
Fox has a Nascar commercial that ends with the words, "THESE GUYS ARE TOUGH" coming across the screen. No... they aren't tough. Risking death so you can see a black-and-white checkered flag does not make somebody tough. It makes them a redneck.
Alright, maybe that isn't completely true. Chris Meyers is interviewing a Nascar driver on the sidelines who does not have a southern accent or any visible attire that has the word "Budweiser" on it. Also, his name isn't Rusty. Odd.
Jahidi White absolutely mauls Chris Bosh on consecutive trips down the floor. Once on a screen, and once on a spin move, and both times, Chris Bosh went flying. For you non-NBA fans (and judging from the hits to the Throwin' 'Bows articles, there are many of you), this is about the equivalent of... Todd Pinkston running into Casey Hampton.
With the score tied at 13, the Seahawks are putting together a lengthy and impressive drive.
Alright... I actually dozed off for a minute there. I awoke to find Chris with my notebook and pen. Be thankful, loyal reader, that I caught him in time, or you'd all be reading about the trojan horse, sodomy, and Greek meatballs right now.
With a bowling alley right next door, Chris, Danks, AJ, and I discuss getting a bowling team together for league competition. I, of course, can't bowl at all. I'm terrible. Chris and Danks are decent bowlers, however, which makes me happy, because I'd really just like to win every now and then so we can talk shit to the other old man teams we'd be bowling against. Chris says to me, "So... you suck, but you hope we're good, because you want to talk shit?" I have no idea why it would, but this seems to come as a surprise to him. He quickly appoints me as the Lee Flowers of our team. I can live with that.
Ahman Green wills his way into the endzone for the Pack. This is an excellent game... I hope I'm awake to see the end of it. The Seahawks have 2:44 to tie it up.
With :51 to go... it is tied.
Ryan Longwell misses a field goal at the end of regulation, and Brett Favre... does not seem amused by the little kicker guy. I wonder how Brett Favre and Mike Vanderjagt would get along as teammates.
So, for the overtime coin flip... Matt Hasselbeck makes the call and says, "We want the ball and we're going to score." I like it. Chris wonders aloud if this is going to start a new trend where players take advantage of the ref's mic and use it as an opportunity to talk shit before overtime starts. Chris wants to hear, "I want the ball... and FUCK YOU!" If it was me, I'd go with, "I want the ball... and I want your mother out of my house immediately."
Lesley Visser is doing some pregame work for CBS from the RCA Dome, and... she's just the anti-Lisa Guerrero. Competent, professional, and aging well. I dunno... I hate to objectify the woman and her work, but it came up at the table, and everyone agreed... Lesley Visser is a fine-looking older woman. Danks wants it noted that he prefers Linda Cohn, however. "She's been looking good lately," he says.
Brett Favre throws an absolutely perfect lob pass that lands in the breadbasket of Ahman Green, and Joe Buck refers to it as, "Just throwing it up and hoping someone makes a play." I dunno if I've mentioned it, but Joe Buck is a fuckhead.
I wonder if Armen Keteyain has ever considered having his last name legally changed to "Hammer."
And Matt Hasselbeck makes his prediction come true... he did throw a touchdown pass. To Al Harris. And that'll do it. Lambeau looks like a great place to be right now. I hope Hasselbeck doesn't regret saying what he said after the coin toss. It was cool. However, I should note that if it T.O. did something like that... he'd be lambasted for it.
Jim Nantz is doing a terrific Chuck Woolery impression, standing in front of two widescreen TVs, telling me how great HDTV is. And yeah, thanks a lot Jim Nantz, because the picture I see of an HDTV on this regular old TV looks really great. Really captures the greatness of HDTV.
Early in the Colts/Broncos game... it's the Edgerrin James show. The Colts offense is clicking.
Brandon Stokely takes one to the house... and Danks and I discuss the possibility of a White Receiver Renaissance. It's been kind of a down year for whitey at wideout. In recent years, Bill Schroeder and Ed McCaffrey have carried the torch, but the statistical leader this year was Justin McCareins with just over 800 yards.
The Broncos get the ball... and early, they have all kinds of running room.
CBS is giving us a nice shot of Mike Vanderjagt after every play. Danks guesses that the cameraman went to WVU. Every Vanderjagt camera shot is quickly followed by a lengthy crowd shot. I'm seeing more of the crowd than I am the actual game at this point.
Marvin Harrison catches a nice pass from Peyton Manning... and then CBS goes immediately to the crowd shot, where we see a handsome gentleman reacting to Marvin Harrison getting up and running to the endzone. Props to CBS, so few other networks have the courage to show not the touchdown, but an individual fan's reaction to it. Innovative.
Hey, the Lonely Colts Fan from last week is back... he's excited. I feel good for him. The Colts are laying wood.
Peyton Manning is going buck wild. If anyone had any questions about his ability to win a playoff game, I think they've been answered. He's 11/12 for 191... in the first half.
A table of dudes is actually cheering for a Coors Light commercial. Some idiot is playing air guitar along with it... another guy is screaming the word, "CHEERLEADERS!" What the fuck, man...? Are you twelve? Is the idea of cheerleaders new to you? Just embarrassing.
It's turned into kids day at the sports bar. There are at least five little rugrats wandering around this afternoon. I feel like throwing peanut shells at them. Y'know, I love being around kids (in a non-Michael Jackson kind of a way), but... at the sports bar? I want to watch football and feel free to scream "fuck" whenever I feel like it. I don't want to have to feel bad about it. I tell Danks that someday, if I'm fortunate enough to be blessed with children... I might take them to the sports bar when they're five years old... but it'll be OK, because they'll be drinking. "And saying fuck," adds Danks.
And Brandon Stokely takes another TD to the house... it must be a very exciting day for people who wish more white people were still excelling in the NFL.
It's a romp, Danks and I are both about to fall asleep at the table, so we decide to bolt at the half. And thus, the Smorgasbord will sadly be cut short. But it was a bonus edition anyway, so what do you have to complain about? I'm not planning on doing another next week, but... we'll see what happens. Who am I kidding, it'll probably end up turning into a playoffs-long thing, I have nothing better to do. But we'll see. Peace.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:44 PM 0 comments
