Sunday, September 26, 2004
| Week 03 - 2004/2005 |
The past couple of weeks, there's been a piece of paper on every table with the point spreads listed for every game. It's probably not a good sign for the Steelers when they're 1-point dogs to a team on which half of the players have family members in shelters. And speaking of the tragedies in Florida, I'd just like to send some prayers out to the family of Crazy Fish Guy... even if they're nowhere near Miami. Oh, and good luck to the hurricane victims, too, I guess.
There are only three 4:00 games on the schedule this week. I'm realizing that when the toolbox who runs the TVs told me that he'd have the Chargers on in the back room, he wasn't really doing me a huge favor. But I appreciate the gesture anyway.
On the all-time list of annoying personalities on Gameday, Rush Limbaugh's #1 spot is being threatened by Mike Ditka. He might have been a great football coach, but he's never said anything on TV that I wouldn't consider general common football knowledge. It seems like a lock to me that he ends up on The Best Damn Sports Show within 2 years.
ESPN Gameday has Randy Moss mic'd up from last Monday night, and y'know what... Randy's maturing. He gets in people's faces, he challenges them, but it's done in a leadership kind of a way. He's not perfect, but the things he's doing are done because he wants to make his team better and because he wants to win.
ESPN has some clips of what Pro Player stadium looks like at about 12:30. It's doing some serious raining. I heard there's been a Hurricane in Florida or something. Anyway, I think they should move the game indoors, and play some Arena ball. The 50-yard field, the nets, the whole deal... the 50-yard indoor war. It may be the only way either of those teams scores.
Games I can see are Saints/Rams, Chiefs/Texans, Jags/Titans, and Browns/Giants. I don't know who to root for in the Giants game... Giants fans are animals, but Browns fans actually bark. I'm just going to root for a lot of season-ending injuries.
As I attempt to start a "TEAR HIS ACL!" chant, Kurt Warner looks sharp in this game. It's cool that he's playing well while everyone in the world thought he was washed up, but if it means that I'm going to have to hear him attributing his high completion percentage to Jesus, I'd just rather he sucked again.
The Saints have a 4th down and 4 at their own 40 in the first quarter. Jim Haslett, for some reason, is going for it. The table next to us appears to be a collection of people who don't know each other, but are sitting together anyway. One of them is a Rams fan in an old-school Ike Bruce jersey, and one of them is a Saints who screams everything he says, is irate. "WHY Y'ALL DOIN' THAT? PUNT THE BALL! SMART ASSES."
Man, this new show on CBS called Clubhouse looks awesome. Dean Cain, Christopher Lloyd, precocious teenagers and our national pastime? Sign me up! I only wish Matt LeBlanc could be involved.
The Giants D looks awesome, too. What the hell has gotten into the Giants? If showing up early to team meetings means they're going to play like this, they should all just shut the fuck up and set their clocks ahead a half hour.
Since the Dolphins game has been moved to tonight, I'm thinking it's doubtful that Crazy Fish Guy will make an appearance today. DAMN YOU, HURRICANE JEANNE. DAMN YOU.
I think it's time to come out in opposition of Jim Nantz being back in the broadcast booth. Like my man Danks said, he should never leave the golf course. He should have to live in the Butler Cabin at Augusta, year round. A running back for the Browns picks up a blitz, and goes low to block a guy. He gets his ankles, and the Giants guy nearly does a flip. Nantz says he did a great job blocking. Hey, I'm really glad that he blocked the guy, but if the Giants defender didn't fly through the air, chances are that 1) it would've been a more effective block, and 2) Nantz never would've noticed it. A small thing to most people, maybe, but it reminded me to renew my membership in the "I Hate Jim Nantz" club.
Interesting stat from CBS: No coach in the league has a better than 50% success rate in challenges. Butch Davis leads the league at 48%. I'm glad he's good at something.
The Rams have a fullback/special teamer named Joey Goodspeed. I believe he may be the least aptly-named player in NFL history. It would be like if the star receiver for the Vikings was named Randy Attractive.
Dane Looker takes a hard hit in the Rams game, and the screaming Saints fan goes, "DANE, YOU GOT LOOKED." I don't know what the hell that means.
Bad news for the Texans... they can't run against the Chiefs. I guess Eric Hicks made some new friends during the week.
I think it's helpful for the Giants that when playing Jeff Garcia and the Browns, it isn't really necessary to defend anything more than six yards down the field.
The CBS crew surprises Phil Simms with a shot of his jersey being sold at 50% inside the Meadowlands. Phil remarks that he'll have to have his wife buy a jersey. Nantz says about Mrs. Simms, "She's too easy. She's just too easy." I don't think that's a real nice thing to say about someone's wife.
With 6:00 to play in the half, Jeff Garcia is 2 of 5, for 5 yards. I wanted to wait and give you his terrible halftime stats, but the Browns racked up some meaningless yards in the final minutes. Inconsiderate bastards.
There's a highlight from the Eagles game, and whoever just scored that touchdown celebrated by doing a long snap. Why he did such a thing, I can't imagine.
The first NFL Network commercial with Rich Eisen hosting the Newlywed Game was kind of amusing, but this new one with Kurt Warner talking about Eli Manning's wardrobe... it's brutal. I'd rather see Pete Coors talk about frost-brewing as he masturbates in the snowy wilderness. Eli appears to have about half as much charisma as Peyton, and that's not at all a good thing.
The Giants have a 4th down coming up, and Phil Simms says that the defense has to come out with the mentality that "they're going to slam it into us." If I were a coach, I'd have to worry about a player that was out on the field, just waiting for the opponent to slam it into them.
I haven't been watching much of the Texans/Titans game... nothing much seems to be happening. Some cat named Wrighster scores a touchdown for the Jags, giving them 7 points. That might be enough to get the job done.
A Giants wide receiver has a pass interference call go his way, and as the ref is giving the call, he jogs past him and pats him on the ass.
The Jags have actually put Steve McNair out of the game. What, did someone take Jack Del Rio's axe to him?
Fox zooms in on Mitch Berger, Saints punter, sitting on the sidelines and... touching himself in a very sensitive male area. I mean, he's really going at it. I don't know if he was scratching, adjusting, or congratulating himself for a really good punt, but he was definitely putting maximum effort into it. He may have sprained a finger.
Good news... Crazy Fish Guy is here. Bad news, he's all the way on the other side of the bar, and he's not wearing a tight Dolphins t-shirt. It's like seeing Superman without his cape.
Chris Brown breaks off a 26-yard touchdown run, and gives the Titans a 12-7 lead late in the game. Jacksonville's going to need to find some offense in a hurry.
Soccer sucks. I guess some collection of soccer douchebags plays home games at Arrowhead stadium, and the Arrowhead people left their yellow goalie box painted on the field. It's yellow, the same color as the magical first down line, and it's messing with me. I now hate the Kansas City Wizards.
Bad news for the rest of the AFC. Jacksonville found a way to put the ball in the endzone and take the lead back from Tennessee. The Jags offense might be bad, but if they're good enough to be one of those teams that finds a way to get it done in the clutch, Jacksonville could be a legitimate Super Bowl contender.
The Titans attempt to recreate the Music City Miracle, but it doesn't really work too well when the guy throws a bounce pass back across the field. Jags win.
These are the next three sentences that come from the mouth of Screaming Saints fan, all loud enough so that everyone in the bar can hear him:
"TAKE THE FIELD GOAL, YA OL' PUNK ASS."
"OH, HE MISSED IT... YOU SON OF A BITCH."
"THAT'S WHY YA MAMA'S NAMED LARRY."
I don't think John Carney's mother is really named Larry, by the way.
Jeff Garcia, in the shotgun awaiting the snap, sees the ball fly about three feet back over his head. He chases it down, catches up to it near his own 1-yard line, and then stands there and watches as the Giants pounce on it. I guess he was getting really tired of being sacked.
Marc Bulger, displaying a huge set, breaks off a 19-yard touchdown sprint to give the Rams a 3-point lead. Bulger looked like Randall Cunningham on that play... except, you know, being small, white, and slow. The old-school Rams fan, who actually moved to the other side of the table because he was tired of Screaming Saints fan, looks back over and gives him a satisfied glance. Screaming Saints fan: "FUCK YOU."
The massacre of the Browns is over, and we join the Chargers/Broncos game in progress. San Diego gives up their customary easy touchdown on the opening drive of the game. I'm glad that's out of the way. We are the nicest team in the league. 7-0 Broncos.
And the Texans, behind a clutch Kris Brown field goal, pull off the upset. The Chiefs are now 0-3, ensuring that the Chargers will go another week and not be in the cellar. God bless Kris Brown.
The Broncos are going with 9 in the box against Tomlinson and the Chargers. I can't imagine why they'd do such a thing, but they're really disrespecting the arm of Drew Brees right now. That last time I saw that many dudes in one box, it was in a movie called "All Night Gangbang, Volume XVII." Starring Jake Plummer's mother.
The son of Mrs. Larry Carney buries a late field goal and sends the Saints/Rams game into overtime.
The Chargers, needing to respond during their first drive of the game, pull some shenanigans and LaDainian Tomlinson hits Drew Brees in stride for a 38-yard gain. We get a field goal. That was awesome and all, but I really hope that doesn't turn out to be the longest pass play of the day for the Chargers.
Mike Martz goes for a 4th and 1 in his own territory in overtime. I don't think it's that bad of a call, and he might be the only coach in the world who would've made it. It worked.
With 6:43 to go in the first quarter, the Packers and Colts have already combined for 28 points.
I may be the only one in the world who feels this way, but it seems like Dick Enberg and Dan Dierdorf are actively rooting for the Broncos.
I debated whether or not to include this in the Smorgasbord, but... I've got a commitment to the truth. It's about this time that my man Danks says, "So... what kicker do you think has the biggest cock?" AJ thinks it's Kris Brown, which is understandable, considering the clutch kick he just made. Danks thinks it may be Gary Anderson. He is African, I suppose. I'm going with Mike Vanderjagt, but I think he's had an implant. Sebastian Janikowski definitely has the smallest. Hence, the roofies.
I'm pretty sure that you're at the world's only website where NFL kicker cock-size is openly discussed. I am so proud right now.
The Chargers offensive coordinator looks like he's about 12 years old. He looks like the kid starring in Clubhouse on CBS. Speaking of which...
"I like Dean Cain." - Dan Dierdorf
San Diego, thinking they stopped Denver short on third down, calls a timeout right before the half. The only problem is, we didn't stop them. It's first down Denver. We just called timeout for them. Only the Chargers... Good Lord. This kind of thing just does not happen to any other team. I am thrilled to be a Chargers fan right now.
We're being bombarded with commercials for Friday Night Lights, which, to me, looks remarkably similar to any other football movie ever made. All the quotes praising the movie during commercials are from people at tiny TV stations in Des Moines, or Larry King. Not a good sign for a movie.
At halftime, Drew Brees is the Chargers leading receiver. Great news for all of you who started Drew Brees at wideout in your fantasy league.
Some guy named Putzier, which is French for putz, keeps catching balls for the Broncos. It seems like this always happens. It's never Rod Smith, or a stud running back who kills us in Denver, but we always make a hero out of some anonymous 3rd-string tight end dickhole.
Quentin Griffin puts the ball on the ground, and the Chargers recover. And then the Chargers score. 13-10, Broncos. Two weeks in a row, we have played terrible, and we're still in the game. I can't decide if that's the sign of a quality team, or a sign that I'm going to be absolutely tortured all year long. Somehow, the latter seems more feasible.
The Broncos get the ball back, and the Bolts D holds strong. We force them to punt. We have all the momentum.
Until, that is, Kassim Osgood, goes barreling into the punter and picks up a 15-yard roughing penalty. Broncos punter Micah Knorr looked like his knee was pretty messed up on that play, but it wasn't. If you're going to pick up a disastrous 15-yarder, Kassim, at least have the decency to hurt the guy. Meanwhile, Enberg and Dierdorf are acting like it's so wonderful that Knorr's knee isn't torn to shreds. See? They love the Broncos. They hate the Chargers.
The Chargers D holds again, and forces another 4th down. This time, Mike Shanahan goes for it, and it results in Ashley Lelie outleaping Quentin Jammer in the endzone for a touchdown. That is what we call a game-changer... and it hurt. Really... really... bad.
Danks says the Colts/Pack contest looks like a WAC game. The Colts currently have 8 yards rushing, and 320 passing. Someone paint the turf blue.
Rookie kicker Nate Kaeding buries a 51-yard field goal and is the new leader in the clubhouse for the kicker-with-the-biggest-dong discussion.
Dick Enberg takes us through a touching story about how John Lynch became a Bronco because his grandparents live in the area. Wonderful. I am really interested in John Lynch's grandparents right now. He just won't shut up about Lynch's grandparents... he's babbling. I provide a voiceover. "John Lynch's grandmother's vagina hasn't been naturally moist in over 30 years..."
I am really really sorry for that.
Anyway, we're going to lose. Elam adds a field goal for the Broncos, and with a 10-point deficit, we can't move the ball. Drew Brees has missed about 3 sure touchdown passes today, to open receivers. I'm not blaming the loss on him entirely, he's also been sacked 82 times. We could've won this game. Fuck.
With 2:40 to go in the Colts/Packers game, Peyton Manning does something awesome. With the entire play clock remaining, and the game clock running, he has the team lined up at the line of scrimmage. He goes through about five audibles, and looks like he's about to run a play. He doesn't. The clock ticks all the way down to the 2-minute warning. He fooled the Packers coaching staff into not calling a timeout, and costing themselves a full 40 seconds. Fox shows the Green Bay defensive coordinator on the sidelines, hanging his head, knowing he just got schooled by Peyton Manning. The look on his face says, "I... got... served."
And that does it for the late games. Seeya next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 4:45 PM 0 comments
Sunday, September 19, 2004
| Week 02 - 2004/2005 |
Week 2 is off to an inauspicious start. I get to the place at 10 'til noon, a full hour and ten minutes before kickoff, and there are already douchebags occupying my table. Not cool. I could deal with it if the table was full of guys who were excited about a particular game and wanted to get there early, but that's not the case. These guys look like rejected Abercrombie models. I want to set fire to them.
And here's another of my favorites. You may remember him from last year. He's the guy who has a Saints Ricky Williams jersey, with masking tape over the "34" and "Williams" with "26" and "McALLISTER" written over it. This makes the third year he's been sporting that jersey. Does he ever wash it? Does he reapply the tape job every week? The guy he's trying to humiliate is no longer in the league. It's time to turn the page, man. We contemplate taking up a collection to buy him a new jersey.
Y'know, I wish these NFL pre-game shows would find a way to work in more Ray Lewis. I think it would be a great idea for someone to put a microphone on him so I could hear him saying, "Let's go get 'em, baby!" or "WOOOO!" I think that would be great.
The guy who controls the TVs, who usually wears a Chiefs jersey, is wearing a Rams jersey this week. I guess he's just a big Dick Vermeil fan. I'd ask him about it, but he might start crying.
By the way, my man Nate is in the house this week, and he's wearing a shirt that says, "I (HEART) SOCCER MOMS."
The early games that I can see are KC/Carolina, Pittsburgh/Bal'mer, and Denver/Jacksonville.
And the moment you've all been waiting for... Crazy. Fish. Guy. He's got a new shirt, too. It's a dark blue Dolphins t-shirt, and the pits look clean. It's hard to get used to the new look. It's like seeing MJ in the Wizards jersey.
Crazy Fish Guy comes over and asks me how the Steelers are going to do, despite the fact that I've told him more than 30 times that I'm a Chargers fan. I just tell him that I think the Ravens suck... let him believe what he wants to believe. He clearly wants to sit at our table. He's hovering around, but I can't allow it. It may happen someday, but today, I just don't have it in me. He settles in at the table next to us, and opens up a phone book. I think he's looking for the bookie section. Or for an escort service.
I'm getting extremely tired of Chris Berman. Every trick he has in the bag to seem amusing or hip has been in use constantly since the early 90s. It's just not cute anymore. He coasts on reputation like he's Vince Carter.
Crazy Fish Guy calls someone on his cell phone and says, "If there's any emergencies, I'm over at the sports bar." I don't know if it's a babysitter or a co-worker or what, but... I'm a little alarmed at the fact that there are people in the world who depend on Crazy Fish Guy. They probably have no idea of his other life as Crazy Fish Guy, and how much he means to all of us.
Early in the Pittsburgh/Baltimore game, the Steelers are taking all suspense out of the highly-anticipated Kyle Boller vs. Steelers secondary match-up by just allowing the Ravens to run at will. Boller, Jamal Lewis, and Chester Taylor all break off long runs. Danks is calling him Chester Copperpot. Why, I don't know.
Crazy Fish Guy just touched me. I ask the waitress for antibiotics.
The Ravens open the game was an easy touchdown drive. At no point did the Steelers challenge them on anything. The same offense that couldn't score against the Browns just looked like the '89 49ers against the Steelers.
Crazy Fish Guy's cell phone is blowing up. I have an almost obsessive desire to know who it is. I come up with four possibilities, in order of likelihood. 1) Bookie. 2) FBI. 3) Someone he paid to call him so it looks like he has friends. 4) Monty "Money" Mathers with this week's surefire, 100%, guaranteed, can't miss, LOCK OF THE WEEK!
Coors Light commercial. Who knows why, but I have yet to see a Coors Light commercial this year based around treating women like objects. The play it fairly straight. Nevertheless, everyone at our table still suspects Pete Coors of being a child molester, for no real reason. We come up with some prospective new ad campaigns. "Hi, I'm Pete Coors, and we're willing to wait for your business. I'm also willing to wait until your parents aren't home, to do what I want to do to you." And Sammy suggests, "Hi, I'm Pete Coors. We ship our beer in refrigerated trucks because cold beer is better. Also because could trucks are better for storing dead bodies."
The place is packed, and a random couple sits down next to Crazy Fish Guy. The woman is an extremely loud and obnoxious Panthers fan with a deep Louisiana accent. The guy gets up and leaves for a while, leaving his woman alone with the mad-phat ladykiller that is Crazy Fish Guy. I'm hoping he puts his mack down.
Deion Sanders is back to return a punt for the Ravens. It's a nice return, and Deion looked quick. He gets 20+ yards, is tackled, and promptly yanks his helmet off to get some face time on camera. As everyone else in the NFL knows, this is a penalty. No one told Deion, apparently. But hey, the guy's got to get his face time somehow. A young hard-working special teamer with a low profile like Deion needs to find a way to get some media attention. How else is he supposed to make a living?
Jake Delhomme flips a crazy little touchdown pass to a tight end named "Magnum." I heard that guy's huge.
The woman sitting next to Crazy Fish Guy, as it turns out, is one annoying hag. She's told Crazy Fish Guy about how she hates, "Pretty Boy Tom Brady," so Danks already hates her. The only Panther of who's existence she is aware is Jake Delhomme. She yells "COME ON, JAKE!" at all stages of the game. 4th and 10, Panthers punting, "COME ON, JAKE!" She also yells, "GO! GO! GO!" in her Louisiana accent, which really does kinda sound like "GEAUX!" I'm starting to hate this Heaux.
I love this commercial CBS is running for a new Dr. Phil show. He tells this lady, "There are 14 signs of a serial killer, and your son has nine of them." Good Lord, Doc... is there no other way to put that? That pretty much amounts to, "You are the worst parent ever. Your child will murder." I'm sure there's a really good clinical reason to humiliate this woman in front of the entire world, but you can't try to cushion that blow a little bit? Or maybe just, I dunno, not put it on national television? I'm not a doctor, but hey... just a thought.
There is absolutely nothing happening in the Broncos/Jags game. Nothing. Byron Leftwich doesn't look good, and Jake Plummer looks like Jake Plummer has always looked. Jacksonville's D is tough. Q Griffin can find no room.
We see a commercial for 60 Minutes with Bill Belichick, but we can't hear it. Danks asks if he's on 60 Minutes tonight, and I tell him that yes, 60 Minutes is doing a show tonight featuring necrophiliac homosexuals. Danks says, "I'd fuck the shit out of Bill Belichick if he were dead. Write that in your little book."
The Ravens have gone up 20-0 on the Steelers in the 2nd half. It's over. The Steelers might not be able to score 20 points in a half without a defense on the field.
DeShaun Foster is running all over the Chiefs, or, as I like to think of them, the Dallas Mavericks of the NFL. I'm rooting hard against the Panthers because of the obnoxious heaux, but the Chiefs just can't win this game.
Nate decides its time to guess who played the gimp in Pulp Fiction. Nate says Randy Quaid. Danks says Dan Akyroyd. I'm thinking John Ratzenberger. Eventually, we all settle on Frank Beamer.
The Ravens have opened up an insurmountable lead on the Steelers. The Jags/Broncos game looks more like soccer than football, and the Chiefs are making DeShaun Foster look like Jim Brown. I'm just killing time until the Chargers game right now.
Good news for the Steelers... Tommy Maddox messed up his elbow. In comes Ben Roethlisberger, who immediately throws a brutal interception. That should pretty much end it. Crazy Fish Guy sums things up nicely when he turns to me and says, "At least the Steelers might have a chance next week." They play the Dolphins.
4:15, and I have to move to the back. The last few disgruntled Redskin fans are moving out, and they've all got on Clinton Portis, Laveraneus Coles, or Sean Taylor jerseys. No one ever goes old school with a Redskins jersey. To a Skins fan, the off-season is the best time of the year. You get all your special new players, they can't suck yet, and in the off-season, you can't turn the ball over 7 times and lose to the Giants.
The Chargers have a sweet new logo at midfield. I don't know if anyone else in the world cares but me, but it just about makes my day. It's prettier than most women.
After an opening drive where we moved the ball pretty well before turning it over, Curtis Martin runs through the Bolts defense like he's Marion Barry and there's a pile of rocks in the endzone. That looked easy.
Drew Brees throws a pick, and here comes Curtis Martin again. The whole "Old-ass running back has a good game" thing was cute last week, but I'm getting damn tired of it. I would generally just feel more comfortable seeing him carted off on a stretcher. But maybe that's just me.
The waitress has brought us some complimentary pretzels, and we start throwing them around like children. Chris and AJ, in an act that could be described as a little bit gay, are trying to throw pretzels into each other's mouths.
EA Sports has a commercial for the new Tiger Woods game, featuring this shot on the cover. I don't know if it's Tiger Woods or an angry brown elf in a black hat.
The Jets are up 17-0. I've already given up. It seems like this is the week where we come back to reality. Last week was fun with our little road win over the Texans, but perhaps it only hid for a week the fact that we are still the Chargers, and we still suck. There is no hope.
Tim Dwight is back to take the kickoff. He's got some room and THERE HE GOES. GET THERE, TIMMY. HOUSE IT, BABY. YOU LIKE THAT, JET BITCHES? WOOOO... We're back in this game, and, by the way, I feel like we're a playoff team.
The waitress comes over to take some orders, but she has nothing to write them down on. Without asking, she takes my little notepad and uses it. Which is fine, I don't mind, but... I'm glad I had not yet written in it that I really really want to have sex with her, or drawn pictures of it. That might've been a little embarrassing.
Chris Simms is in for the Bucs, which is about the same thing as saying, "OK, we forfeit." Simms actually had a pretty impressive play where he scrambled out of bounds, and took a ferocious hit to the head, and then got up and acted like he enjoyed it. I don't think he played too bad, actually.
Rodney Harrison picks up his customary weekly personal foul penalty. This one, a blatant late hit on a Cardinal who was three yards out of bounds. I really miss Rodney.
I guess they retired Pat Tillman's number today in Arizona. The patriotic thing for the Patriots to do would be to go into Arizona and lose. Let the Cardinal fans and family of Pat Tillman have their day. But no, that's just too much to ask. Tom Brady must really hate Pat Tillman.
Just as I notice that Vinny Testaverde, for the 2nd straight week, has huge numbers, he throws interceptions on 3 of the next six passes. Ah, the conundrum of Vinny. 300 yards per game? No problem. High completion percentage? Yes. 3 brutal interceptions per game? Always.
Just as the Chargers put together a few drives and get back into the game, the center decides to snap the ball into his taint. It's a fumble, the Jets pounce on it, and FUCK. Like we don't have enough problems... now our center is trying to stuff an oblong hunk of pigskin into his ass crack.
But the Bolts hold on D. Drew gets it back and unloads a beautiful touchdown pass. We've been incredibly bad, even for the Chargers, and we're still in this game.
The Jets move down the field for an easy touchdown and extend the lead to 13. Marty sends out Doug Flutie. There is no bigger supporter of Marty Schottenheimer in the world than me, but I hate this. Drew Brees is the starting quarterback of this football team, and unless Doug Flutie has somehow found a way to reverse the aging process, this makes no sense. Why kill Drew Brees's confidence unless there's a very good reason for it? We're down 13 with 2:00 to play, we're not going to win this game. This is a dumb, dumb, thing to do.
(I'd later learn that Drew had a concussion, and wasn't really walking straight. Oops. Sorry, Marty.)
Say, don't most referees have their penalty flags stuffed into the side or back of their pants? I could've sworn I just saw Ed Hochuli stuff his into his jock area. Is this normal procedure? I know Ed's a vain guy, but I think stuffing his jock with penalty flags is taking things just a little too far.
With 3:56 to play, the Chargers need two touchdowns. Doug Flutie leads a 3:26 touchdown drive. At least we'll beat the spread.
The on-side kick fails. I am going home unhappy, but y'know... We just played a terrible game, were -4 in the turnover ratio, and we still hung with the Jets, a team that might be pretty good. The Chargers might just not suck. Seeya next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 4:44 PM 0 comments
Sunday, September 12, 2004
| Week 01 - 2004/2005 |
At first, I didn't like the idea of the NFL opening on Thursday night. It was important to me that the first NFL Sunday remain special and pure. It's the same reason that you don't listen to the band's CD right before you go into the concert. You want the real thing to hit you all at once, untainted.
But upon further review, the Thursday night start works out perfectly. If the NFL feels it necessary to have a celebratory concert with Britney Spears and Billy Joe Cyrus or whoever, they can do it on Thursday, and the first Sunday will remain pure. The NFL isn't about concerts and ceremonies and agonizingly long pre-game shows... it's about so much more.
The NFL is about beautiful 75-degree Sunday afternoons spent in smoky bars with degenerate fans and bitchy waitresses. The NFL is about sitting in one place for 8 hours, wearing out your neck trying to watch four games at once, and having your entire daily diet consist of beer and chicken wings.
The NFL is about days like today. Welcome back to the Smorgasbord.
Before we get started, I wanna send some love to a couple of people who are usually with me for the Smorgasbord, but who won't be joining me today because they're currently honeymooning in the path of Hurricane Ivan. I don't know how they'd feel about being identified by name, so... Spiros and Aretha, you're definitely missed. I am joined by my boys Danks, AJ, and Kevin.
I get to the place at 11:50, and I'm not the first one there. There's a table of what appears to be a group of douchebag Raven fans in the back. I walk around, and look for the TV on which the Chargers game will be appearing... and I can't find it. We're not off to a good start.
I track down the tool who operates the TVs (who's also wearing a Chiefs jersey), and make him aware of the situation. The following conversation takes place:
Tool: "Yeah, we've only got nine TVs, and that was the only game I couldn't get on."
Me: "You've had every Chargers game on for me for the past five years."
Tool: "Yeah, sorry... I wish I had better news for you."
This low-level functionary evidently doesn't know who I am or how I roll. I've been coming here for five years now, and this dickhole can't find a place for the Chargers game somewhere among nine TVs? He better recognize. It's time to find the owner.
Owner found, situation rectified, MJD taken care of. The Bears/Lions game has been bumped to a TV at the bar.
The remote-wielding tool in the Chiefs jersey tells the table of Ravens fans that the Chargers/Texans game will be replacing the highly-anticipated Bears/Lions showdown. They tell the guy that it's cool because they'd rather see it anyway. He points to me and says, "You can thank him, he's a big Chargers fan." One of the Ravens fans goes, "A big what fan?" Guy says, "Chargers." Ravens fan exhales and shakes his head. Through non-verbal communication, he's made a fine point.
I settle in to watch a little of ESPN's pre-game, and Michael Irvin says that Deion Sanders, right now, is the best cornerback in the National Football League. Come on now. I like Michael Irvin, but I guess it takes a while for the coke to get all the way out of someone's system.
We've been joined by some Browns fans, and they're barking. Check it out, Browns fans, it hasn't been acceptable for an adult to bark like that in public since Arsenio Hall went off the air, alright? Get it together. Browns fans and their little dog masks are approaching Raiders fan status. I am down with the Ravens today.
On CBS's pregame, they're showing some exterior shots of Cleveland's new stadium. One of the Brownies behind me remarks, "That stadium is so sexy." Browns fans screw concrete.
Watching Tom Jackson is funny. For all those years, he sat next to Chris Berman and played it straight. He did his job well, but there wasn't much excitement from him, there wasn't a lot of flavor. But now he's sitting next to Michael Irvin, and it's like he's remembered that he's black and doesn't have to act like a weatherman at all times. Good for TJ.
There has yet to be a Crazy Fish Guy sighting. I hope he didn't take his life at some point during the Dolphins stellar off-season.
This loser Browns fan is still barking, and I grow to hate the Browns more and more with each "woof." I hope Jeff Garcia gets caught on TV blowing someone on the sidelines. Danks adds, "Preferably William Green."
As the childish barking continues, Danks turns and responds with a "Go Ravens! MEOW!"
Last night I was laying in bed, looking forward to the next day and thinking to myself, "I get to see Drew Brees tomorrow." And I was happy about it. That's the power that the NFL has over me.
It's 1:00. The Texans win the toss, and the Chargers will kick. The Nate Kaeding era is about to begin.
The games I can see are Ravens/Browns, Chargers/Texans, Rams/Cardinals, and Jets/Bengals. Larry Fitzgerald has wasted no time in making the first great catch of his career. He's got amazing body control and hands. I'm a huge Larry Fitzgerald fan.
Just a minute into the Chargers game, Domanick Davis is working hard at mercilessly killing my enthusiasm. He is shredding the Chargers D.
William Green has started for the Browns as Lee Suggs is out with some kind of a neck problem that could be serious. Anyway, Green drops a wide open catch, and I demand that someone piss test him right there. A guy at the Ravens table says, "He better catch that next time, or his wife will stab him."
The Texans kick an early field goal, and the Chargers trail by 3. I'm glad they did it early, I was getting uncomfortable watching the Chargers for more than 5 minutes without them trailing. This is more in my comfort zone.
Every time I look over to the Rams game, Marshall Faulk is shaking someone out of his jock. He looks healthy, and he looks young. It's like someone turned back the clock for him. He looks 25.
Drew Brees is on fire early, and the Bolts are actually moving the ball. I may be forced out of my comfort zone.
"Holding, #85 offense. 10 yards from the spot of the foul. Repeat 2nd down." That's more like it.
Drew Brees continues to complete passes. However, we've also racked up 2 holding calls and 1 false start on the first drive. San Diego... SUPER CHARGERS.
Rookie kicker Nate Kaeding's first FG attempt in the NFL will be a 48-yarder, and he will drill it down the pipe. The Nate Kaeding era is going to be awesome.
Y'know, Emmitt Smith is looking pretty impressive in the Rams/Cardinals game, too. He's also turned back the clock. He looks 42.
Y'know, I like tennis, but CBS can feel free to stop with the U.S. Open commercials. It's opening Sunday in the NFL. I don't think I'd be watching if it was Andy Roddick against John the Baptist, but Roger Federer vs. Lleyton Hewitt? There's no way. Danks terms it a matchup between a "Australian racist and a Swiss pussy."
So far the Baltimore/Cleveland game, Deion Sanders has been rendered ineffective by Jeff Garcia's unwillingness or inability to throw a pass longer than four yards.
The Texans fumble, and there's a huge pile in front of the San Diego sideline. The Chargers clearly recovered, but some liquored-up official is considering giving it to Houston. Marty Schottenheimer is frothing at the mouth. He's actually in the pile pulling players away. There's about fifteen players in the pile, and I'd say that Marty's in good enough shape to beat the hell out of at least six or seven of them.
The Chargers, in a goal line situation, run the option with Drew Brees. Who says Week 1 is too early for signs of desperation?
L.T. gets in two plays later. Chargers lead, 10-6. In the 2nd quarter, my foot is shaking, and I'm chewing my fingernails.
Through the window, I can see a group of girls practicing touch football across the road. The girl they have at quarterback can't throw the ball. She can't get her hand around it. Every pass is a 4-yard rainbow. She throws like Jeff Garcia. And she's probably done as many guys as Jeff Garcia.
CBS shows a commercial for the new sitcom based on the life of Tony Kornheiser, and I'm not sure, but I think Theo from The Cosby Show is playing a Wilbon-like character. Sure... Wilbon, Theo... it's a natural fit. Maybe Cockroach will be playing statboy.
Tyrone Wheatley's stats thus far: 6 carries, 8 yards.
By the way, that Jeff Garcia joke I made up there? Yeah... that was really really wrong and I'm sorry. Kinda.
Randy Cross, during a Cleveland drive, completely out of the blue: "Hey, how fabulous is Greg Gumbel?" What?
Larry Fitzgerald, or as I like to call him, "The Cardinals offense," makes another sick catch by pinning the ball against his hip. Larry is for real.
This Cleveland/Baltimore game is disgusting. I've been talking about Jeff Garcia, but so far, Kyle Boller is making him look like Dan Marino. The fact that Kyle Boller is a starting NFL quarterback should frighten all of us.
The Texans continue moving the ball at will. Domanick Davis, David Carr, and Andre Johnson are all incredibly sharp. Either the Texans are going to be the most unstoppable force in fantasy football this year, or the Chargers defense isn't very good. I think the former is more likely, though your opinion may differ.
DirecTV is running a "Hang with Peyton" sweepstakes where the winner gets to spend a day hanging out with Peyton Manning. Since when is the winner of a sweepstakes punished? What's next, is Ed McMahon going to come to my door and demand that I give him money? Hanging out with Peyton Manning... that sounds great, if you like listening to Jethro Tull albums and watching reruns of Hee-Haw.
Jerry Rice has now caught a pass in 274 straight games. I hate him.
Curtis Martin is looking awesome. Is this 1996? Marshall Faulk, Curtis Martin, and Emmitt Smith all look good.
Texans kicker Kris Brown, helping out with the kickoff coverage, takes a shot in the head. I wish Chris Tucker was standing over him, his gold chain hanging in Brown's face, screaming, "YOU GOT KNOCKED THE FUCK OUT!" But maybe that's just me.
Roy Williams for the Lions makes an absurd one-handed catch in traffic. This catch doesn't even make sense. While we're on the subject, I like the Lions. They have a lot of young talent, but all of you on the Lions-to-the-playoffs bandwagon can slow your roll. They're talented, but they aren't ready. Maybe next year.
Both CBS and Fox appear to be making more efforts to show more stats. They are blatantly catering to the fantasy football audience. 10 years ago, could you have even imagined this? Is fantasy football the most dorkish thing to ever go completely mainstream?
Kellen Winslow Jr. (who needs a nickname) drops an easy pass that hit him in the chest. The sports bar absolutely explodes. Kellen Jr. is not the most popular man in the world.
Deion is back for a punt return. Even at 37, just by going back to catch a punt, Deion can get everyone's attention. The entire place stops to watch. He gets like 4 yards and slips. Browns fans go nuts and start their damn barking again. Congratulations, fellas, you stopped a 37-year-old man on a punt return. Go nuts.
At the end of a play in the Chargers/Texans game, Andre Johnson grabs Jerry Wilson's facemask and yanks it down to the ground. Oh, OK. This obviously should result in a 15-yard penalty against the Chargers. There's a league-wide conspiracy against the Chargers.
Matt Stover boots a field goal for the Ravens, and the offensive showcase that is the Ravens/Browns game is now tied at 3 in the third quarter. This game makes the Miami/Florida St. game from Friday night look pretty.
And Larry Fitzgerald makes a third circus catch. This 2004 draft class has a chance to be ridiculous.
Kevin Smith is in a commercial for "Jersey Girl," talking about how he wants money so he can stay with his hot wife. The commercial looks like it was filmed with a camcorder made in 1979, is not entertaining, and is not funny. If this is any indication of the quality of Jersey Girl, I'll be avoiding it like I would avoid "Varsity Blues 2." And while we're on the subject, the term "Bling Bling" is now officially dead. Thank you white people, and Kevin Smith in particular, for killing it.
The Chargers game comes back from a commercial, and Nate Kaeding is ready to kick a field goal. While he's lining it up, there's a Levitra ad overlaid on the TV screen. This is weird. You can see the happy erect guy's smiling face, you can see his newly-satisfied wife, and the word "Levitra" at the bottom of the screen, all half faded-out. I can't explain it. Appropriately, Nate Kaeding kicks it hard and straight, and the Chargers and Texans are tied at 20 heading into the 4th quarter.
I like the new Mia Hamm Gatorade commercial, with all the people thanking her. My favorite part is when Nomar Garciaparra says, "Thanks, beautiful... for having sex with me when everyone in the world outside of Chicago hates me and thinks I'm an overpaid sissy."
Curtis Martin continues to hammer away for the Jets. He's over 150. What the hell? Since when is Curtis Martin good again? I'm impressed.
Ed Reed blows an assignment for the Ravens, and the Browns lead 10-3. And then they get an interception from Kyle "May I Offer You the Football, Sir?" Boller. The barking continues, and I want to stab someone. Seriously, unless you're marrying the Prince of Zamunda, and he instructs you to bark like a dog right before you get married, then don't bark. Ever.
I don't think I've mentioned how good Drew Brees looks today. He's missed a few throws, but he's also made some great ones, and this is key: Whenever the Chargers have needed to pick up a 3rd down, Drew has found a way. And he hasn't turned the ball over, either.
And while we're on the subject, Chargers TE Antonio Gates is having a monster day. Right now, he's got 7 for 116, and if your league awards points for penalties, he'll be even better. He's racked up four of those. I guess you have to expect that from someone who was the star forward on Kent State's Elite Eight basketball team three years ago.
3rd and 14 for the Chargers, and Drew Brees finds Eric Parker in the endzone. I am a nervous wreck.
The Brownies lead by 10, and in this game, it might as well for a 400-point lead. I don't think Kyle Boller could lead a touchdown drive if there was no defense on the field. It's over. Impressive win for the new-look Browns in Week 1.
Jason Babin of the Texans... I had never heard of him, but he's really good. Gets get penetration and is a sure tackler.
And now the barking Browns fans have turned to what may be an even more annoying habit: stealing someone else's chant. They're singing, "Here we go, Brownies, Here we go! WOOF, WOOF!" Good, I'm glad they mixed in the barking, because while I hate them, I hadn't actually wished for any of them to get in car accidents on the way home. Now I have.
There's some kind of a stoppage in the Texans/Chargers game. The power is out in the stadium or something, I don't know. The game has come to a complete stop. My league-wide conspiracy theory is gaining momentum.
The Raiders have tied up the Steelers late in the game. The unstoppable Alvis Whitted got loose in the vaunted Steelers secondary for a TD, and then someone caught a 2-point conversion pass without a Steeler within 5 yards of him.
The Chargers game is back on, and the time is being kept on the field. Domanick Davis coughs it up again, and the Chargers have the ball, up 7 with 3:18 to play. I am shaking uncontrollably. My water is spilling. The Chargers have lost too many games just like this.
And Drew Brees hits Antonio Gates to convert another big 3rd down.
The Texans burn a couple of timeouts, and again, it's 3rd down. This time, it's LaDainian Tomlinson around the corner, and he would not be denied. It won't make any highlight reels, but it was one of the best six-yard runs you'll ever see. I wish I could describe it to you. I don't think any other back in the game was getting that corner, making those guys miss, and doing just what needed to be done. Game over, and the Chargers have opened the season with a victory.
Now if the Steelers can just polish off the Raiders, the Chargers will hold the outright division lead for about the next seven hours. HERE WE GO, STEELERS, HERE WE GO.
Jeff Reed hits a field goal as time expires, and the Steelers have taken care of business. It is good to be a Chargers fan today.
I don't know why, but Chargers victories put me in the mood to yell "WHORE" at Lauren Adams, who's singing the national anthem before the Eagles/Giants game.
With 13:08 left in the 1st quarter of the 49ers/Falcons game, Michael Vick is already getting pulverized. If the Falcons QB was anyone other than Michael Vick, they'd probably be in the hospital right now. If it was Vinny Testaverde... I don't even want to think about it.
But speaking of Vinny, he looks sharp. Say what you want about him, but he still throws one of the prettiest balls in football. This Vinny thing might just work out for a few weeks, until he remembers that he's 61 years old.
I don't know if I mentioned this guy last year, but there's a Steelers fan, who's also a regular here, sitting in front of us cheering wildly for a Terrell Owens touchdown. He is the worst "fantasy fan" I've ever seen. I can't stand people who put their fantasy rooting interests above, equal, or even near their interest in their favorite team, and this guy spends entire Sundays doing it. And who outside of Philadelphia cheers for Terrell Owens? The man has no redeeming qualities. Did these same people cheer against Roy Hobbs in The Natural? Were they big Pol Pot fans?
And the Falcons give up a blocked punt. So far in this game, there's been 2 sacks and a blocked punt. I could start at guard for the Falcons.
Hey, ref Johnny Grier's put on some weight in the off-season. He's not in Forrest Whitaker territory or anything, but getting up and down the field's going to be a little harder. He needs to give Ed Hochuli a call. His off-season workouts probably rival Jerry Rice's.
There's a big girly looking "V" in the middle of the Vikings new playing surface. It looks like a logo for a brand of women's rodeo jeans or something.
Daunte Culpepper's touchdown celebration, the stuttering false start call, looks like an Elaine Benes dance move.
Ron Dayne scores a touchdown. I have never before typed those five words in succession.
Alge Crumper, Michael Vick's favorite target, catches a short hitch in front of Tony Parrish who just allows him to take on step towards the sideline and then house it. Brutal play by Tony Parrish.
Danks, a native New Englander and Red Sox fan, is blatantly staring down this Yankees fan. I'm starting to understand that the general public feels about Yankees fans about how I feel about Raiders fans. I guess the only difference is the tin-foil Darth Vader costume. Danks, upon just seeing this guy, looks legitimately pissed off.
The Steelers fantasy fan that I mentioned above just had his girlfriend smell his fingers. He must be in a fantasy asshole-fingering league.
AJ wonders aloud if it's legal to stand next to a guy who's trying to catch a punt and scream in his ear. It's a good question. It's probably legal, and it's just the kind of thing I would do if I was in the NFL. I'd do research on the guy, find out his mother's name, see if he had any disasters in his childhood or dead family members that I could bring up, and I'd unleash it on him as he called for a fair catch. But maybe that's just me.
Kurt Warner gets called for a false start. I've never seen a QB get called for a false start before. That's new. The offensive linemen had to love it, because now he can't bitch at them.
AJ says Varsity Blues is the best sports movie of all-time. I'm not sure I can be friends with AJ anymore.
Steve Christie, in all of his time with the Chargers, didn't kick a ball longer than 40 yards. He tried, but that was as far as it went. He'd leave 45-yard field goals short. They'd bounce in the endzone. And he just hit a 53-yarder for the Giants. Thanks a lot, loser.
J.R. Reed is returning kicks for Philadelphia. He's much shorter and his skin is much lighter than it was when he was a center on the UNC Basketball team.
I told him I wasn't going to do this, but I can't let it go. AJ looks around the table and tells us that his friend told him that the NFL would be fining players for dropping interceptions. Not the coach, not the team... the league. Someone told him that Paul Tagliabue was levying fines against dropped interceptions, and AJ wanted to know if it was true. AJ is, for the most part, an intelligent guy, but when I'm not around him, he must hang out with some really bright people. Anyway, the truth is that, yes, it is true, and anyone who fumbles has to spend 15 days in a maximum-security prison.
Fox is advertising a new segment on their pregame show where Terry Bradshaw interviews players and "asks them the questions no one else will ask!" Danks and I guess that these questions include, "Hey, ya like fishin'?!" and, "Could you teach me how to read?"
Terence Newman gets called for interference on Randy Moss. He was blatantly guilty. As they both got up, they got tangled up, were jawing at each other, and pushing back and forth. On the next play, Randy Moss catches a touchdown pass right in front of him. Note to Terence: That's why he's Randy Moss, and that's why you're Terence Newman. At this point in your career, it's probably not a good idea to piss him off.
Danks and AJ have to leave, and none of these games are within 10 points. Well, the 49ers/Falcons game is, but I don't have a lot of interest in it. And judging from the mostly-empty stands in Candlestick, I'm not alone. I'm gonna bounce, too. But it's been real... welcome back to the NFL, and welcome back to the Smorgasbord. I hope you've enjoyed.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 4:43 PM 0 comments
