Sunday, October 31, 2004
| Week 08 - 2004/2005 |
Accompanied by a sappy piano in the background, Terrell Owens is crying on CBS. Listen, I'm really sorry that his grandmother died, and it's cool that he's working to get funding for Alzheimer's research, but... it's 12:30 on a Sunday. It's time for football. It is not time for a very special episode of Dr. Phil. The only people I want to see crying today are Raiders fans at about 7:00 tonight when they realize that the only difference between Warren Sapp and the degenerate fan in the Darth Vader costume is that Sapp actually gets paid to embarrass himself on Sundays.
Crazy Fish Guy is not only in the house this week, he is sitting right next to us. I am currently about six feet away from the legend. He's feeling chatty, too. Right now, Danks is bearing the brunt of his verbal barrage. I overhear, "I gotta pray for a miracle to beat those stupid Jets." I really wanna hear Crazy Fish Guy say "fuck." I've never heard him say anything worse than "damn."
I'm trying to have various conversations with AJ and Danks, but Crazy Fish Guy isn't having it. He's trampling out conversations. Every time I try to say something, Crazy Fish Guy blurts out something about taking the over on some game.
The Mayne Event on ESPN is funny. Frank Caliendo on Fox is sometimes funny. These animated Thurston Long bits on CBS's pregame... are brutal. If you enjoy teary-eyed egomaniacs and lame-ass comedy, CBS's pregame is the place for you.
My man Chris joins us and has a seat at the end of the table, closest to Crazy Fish Guy. He looks at the legend and says, "How are you?" Crazy Fish Guy turns around with a massive glob of mayonnaise on his face. Later, I'm going to try and recreate this scene in a painting and sell it to the Louvre.
Crazy Fish Guy wisely has the over in the Chiefs/Colts game, and he's cheering for points. Anyone scores, he cheers. And while we're on the subject, what would the over have to be in a Chiefs/Colts game before you hesitated? Triple digits?
Perhaps you've heard about this little historical anomaly in the Redskins/Packers game. It's gotten a little bit of media attention. I don't wanna go over the state, but if the Packers win today, John Kerry wins, and evil is defeated. Needless to say... huge Pack fan today.
Johnnie Morton scores for the Chiefs and breaks out an absolutely stellar worm. This might be the greatest touchdown celebration in NFL history. It's up there with Billy "White Shoes" Johnson. Johnnie's technique is flawless. I wish he was a better player so we'd see it more often.
It's 10-0 Packers... and Kerry has taken Wisconsin.
I put Chris in charge of finding out how Crazy Fish Guy plans to vote. He's apparently not willing to tell. Chris broaches the subject, and Crazy Fish Guy says, "I don't know who's gonna win, but I bet there's gonna be lawsuits out the yin-yang." I'm laughing as I type that. I still wanna hear him say fuck, but yin-yang... that's pretty good, too.
The Giants are laying wood to the Vikings... it's 17-0 G-Men.
Our waitress today seems to not mind if her breast is pressed firmly against me. Never has a server been so careless about pressing a titty against me if she's reaching for a glass or an ashtray. This is awesome.
Touchdown Priest Holmes... and Crazy Fish Guy is just smiling ear-to-ear. He seems to just love gambling. People love a lot of things in life, be it their children, their wives, their hobbies. Crazy Fish Guy's true love... is the over.
And it's now 17-0 Packers... and John Kerry has taken Michigan, too.
Keyshawn scores a touchdown for the Cowboys, and takes the ball and gives it to a fan with a disability. That's awesome. Keyshawn deserves some love for that. And it was a very good play, too.
And the Skins pick up a touchdown to make it 17-7. Bush has taken West Virginia and Hawaii.
"I wonder how many 50-year-old white women in Wisconsin right now would like to have just one night with Daunte Culpepper. That'd be a great porno." - Danks
I haven't mentioned it yet, but it's going to be pretty intense in here at around 4:00. Danks is a big Patriots fan, and just about everyone else in the place but me is a big Steelers fan. It's also Raiders/Chargers day, which means MJD might have to stab someone. It's about halftime, and the tension is already building.
Crazy Fish Guy makes direct eye contact with me and says, "Two more touchdowns!" I am in awe of Crazy Fish Guy's love for the over. I'll probably never love a woman like he loves the over.
We're having power issues in the bar. The power company has apparently told the place not to use any power that isn't necessary. The air conditioning has been shut off. It's hot. It's damn hot. Real hot. Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking.
Crazy Fish Guy gets one of his touchdowns. I have no idea what the score of the Colts/Chiefs game is, nor do I care. It's like an NBA game. This game has just completely devalued the touchdown for the rest of the NFL. I'll check back with 5:00 left and the score is 77-70.
Packers add a field goal... and it's 20-7. John Kerry has taken Iowa.
Dante Hall appears to be getting some of his return mojo back. He doesn't score, but he breaks off a nice one. Haven't heard much from Dante this year.
And someone else scores, and Crazy Fish Guy gets his over. Congratulations, my man. I think he's touching himself.
Rod Gardner scores a touchdown for the Redskins... and Bush takes Minnesota. It looks as if this one could come down to Florida.
Keyshawn with another TD for the Cowboys, and he again gives the ball to a girl who uses a wheelchair. I'm starting to love Keyshawn, though I'm kinda concerned about people in Dallas starting to fake disabilities just so they can get Keyshawn's touchdown balls.
Interception Redskins. Says Chris, "30,000 black votes in Florida just got lost."
And... the power has gone completely out. The bar is dark, with the exception of candlelight. I almost instinctively yell, "ORGY!"
AJ points out that there are about three girls in the place. Man, are they gonna be sore tomorrow.
I then suggest that everyone go around the room and introduce ourselves. Danks goes, "Hi, I'm Danks, I'm a Pisces, and I love cock." Power outages do strange things to people. But I'm not judging.
It's been like five minutes... this is getting just flat-out weird. Chris just peed by candlelight.
I call my brother to get play-by-play of the end of the Redskins/Packers game. Ahman scores a touchdown, Kerry is able to keep Bush from stealing Florida again, and things are as they should be.
Alright... we once again have juice. Just in time for the Raiders/Chargers game. Chris has talked Crazy Fish Guy into calling up his bookie and putting some lumber down on the Chargers, so we have the Crazy Fish Guy karma on our side today. I think the Steelers and Patriots are playing, too, I dunno. We join the game in progress, just as the bitch-ass Raiders are ready to punt.
And that was easy. Drew Brees leads the Chargers downfield for a score. Touchdown for back-up TE Justin Peelle. Good guys leading 7-0, just like that.
Alright... this is the most bizarre sideline report since Eric Dickerson left Monday Night football. Scott Kaplan is reporting with a Spiderman mask on. He's showing us a massive swarm of bees that residing in the Raiders practice kicking net. A group of stadium workers drapes a tarp over the entire net. Don't do that... let's get a little home-field advantage out of this. Let them deal with the Bees. I would love to see Warren Sapp just get swarmed.
The Chargers have pumpkins painted on their field. No other team in the NFL has pumpkins on their field. We rule.
Early in the Steelers/Patriots game, Ben Roethlisberger finds Plaxico Burress deep for a Steelers TD. The place erupts. Danks is less than thrilled. 7-0 Steelers.
About a minute later, the Steelers jump on a Patriots fumble. Even Crazy Fish Guy is excited.
LaDainian Tomlinson goes over the top... TD Bolts. 14-0. The Raiders suck.
And it's Plaxico Burress in the endzone again. 14-3 Steelers. On the next play from scrimmage, Tom Brady is picked off, it's taken to the house, and it's 21-3 Steelers. Danks is calling for Rohan Davey. Watching a replay of Brady's INT, Danks says, "Nice pass, you fucking faggot."
Kerry Collins leads a touchdown drive. Yeah, I was shocked, too. It's 14-7.
But the Chargers respond. Keenan McCardell, who is awesome, was wide open in the endzone. Drew Brees is currently 12 of 14 passing, while on the TV next to him, Tom Brady is apparently going as 2003 Drew Brees for Halloween.
Danks continues to call various Patriots "fucking faggots." We here at the Smorgasbord apologize, but we've got a commitment to the truth. We're just keeping it real.
Tim Dwight pulls down a great catch in the endzone for another Chargers TD through the air. I just feel like giving Drew Brees a sponge bath right now. It's 28-7... how does Drew Brees' cock taste, Oakland?
CBS shows a shot of Charles Woodson walking off the field with head hanging. I yell, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PUSSY?!" Oh... it's halftime, which I guess means he's walking back to the locker room. Sorry.
At halftime, I see a highlight of Terrell Owens doing Ray Lewis's trademark spastic dance moves after scoring a touchdown. That's awesome. I'm not really a TO fan, but I am a Ray Lewis hater... and he just got SERVED. And it was a good impression, too... TO had to be studying film of that dance.
The Steelers keep rolling, and Tom Brady looks terrible. He appears to be confused and flustered by what the Steelers are doing to him. Danks is not taking it well. It's a little sad to see what's happening to him. He just yelled, "Tom Brady fucking licks taint," and then began singing, "Taaaaaint-Licker..."
Straight out of the half, it's another easy touchdown drive for the Chargers, and it's 35-7. It's something I'll never find out about first-hand, but having a long drive home from a football game after just getting torched by Drew Brees, while your face is covered in silver paint and your shoulder pad spikes are tearing up the upholstery of your car, just can't be a lot of fun.
The Steelers add a touchdown, and it's evident that another New England streak will be ending today. The good news is that I'm not sure many New Englanders will notice. When they do, though, they'll probably make up some "Curse of Bill Belichick's Dark Gray Hoodie" or something.
The Chargers score again... and the scoreboard reads Oakland 7, San Diego, forty-deuce. Warren Sapp on the sidelines is bitching out Norv Turner. Waaaaaaaaaaah... I guess he wants Norv to install the plays that don't so clearly expose your starting nose tackle and prize free agent acquisition to be a washed-up sack of shit that hasn't even come close to making one play all game.
Danks just broke off the top part of his zippo lighter. Looking at the bright side of things, though, he does observe that now the Patriots won't have to say that the last coach to beat them was Steve Spurrier. Hooray for the glass being half-full.
Jesse Chatman enters the game for LaDainian, and Jesse Chatman continues to do what Jesse Chatman does. This is three or four weeks in a row now that he has come in and just had his way with a defense.
I hadn't noticed to this point, but the Falcons are doing the Broncos dirty, in Denver.
"I would skullfuck Jim Nants right now." - Danks
With 2:00 to play, Sammy Davis intercepts Kerry Collins in the endzone... and the Raiders can suck me. I'd have liked to have seen some Phil Rivers at the end of the game, but for whatever the reason, Marty isn't having it. Oh well.
#23 for the Raiders makes a tackle at the line of scrimmage and gets up and starts pointing to himself like he's awesome. Scoreboard, bitch. If you were that good, you wouldn't be trying to find a way to pull Drew Brees's cock out of your mouth right now. Shut the fuck up and get back to your huddle.
It's over... 42-14 final. That felt good. And the Steelers game isn't officially over, but it's over.
Danks has taken a piece of paper from my notebook and written a suicide note. Here it is, verbatim:
"To all loved ones: Suck my fucking dick, this game sucks cunt. I always loved MJD and his huge cock. But who gives a fuck now. Go Red Sox, because you know how to win. Fuck the Pats, I hope they lose the rest of their games. Sucky my fucking greasy wop cock. - Danks."
At least he's taking the loss well.
It's hard to understate the value of this win for Pittsburgh. The Steelers had a good record, but had beaten nobodies. And this win comes in a dominating fashion against a team who had won more consecutive games than anyone in history. Remember in Pulp Fiction when the Wolf says, "Let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet"? Well... now they can. The Steelers are back to playing physical football, and they are very good at it. Get yourselves some lip balm, Steelers fans, and enjoy this one.
What a day. The Packers win for John Kerry, the Bolts dominate the weak little Raiders, the Steelers roll the Patriots, and Danks is going to kill himself... sweet. Is it a coincidence that we were so close to Crazy Fish Guy all day? I'm thinking no... I think good things happen when Crazy Fish Guy is close to me. I'm going to try to get him to adopt me.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:12 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 24, 2004
| Week 07 - 2004/2005 |
"Is this guy just another dumb fucking white man, or what?" That's Robert Deniro from Casino and today, it's me when I learn that the TV guy has the Chargers game on at the tiny little TV at the bar. He knows I'm coming, he knows I'll bitch, and he knows he's going to end up putting my game on anyway... I don't know why he insists on going through this ritual every week. I ask him to move the game, and he says he put it on at the bar because of the team's combined records. Meanwhile, the Rams/Dolphins game is on the big screen in the front room. Jagoff.
I'm watching Fox's pregame, something I haven't done all year, and something I hoped to never have to do again. Fox's pregame has about as much actual NFL analysis as does FoodNation with Bobby Flay.
On ESPN's pre-game show, they're asking which is bigger: the Patriots streak, or the Red Sox playing the World Series. Tough question. Ask your average New Englander if they'd rather win Game 2 against the Cardinals or disband the entire Patriots franchise, and they'll offer to personally help tear down Gillette stadium.
Oh, good... coming up next, Terry Bradshaw interviews Warren Sapp. No one in that room will be annoying or anything.
Bradshaw, asking the hard-hitting questions, wants to know if Sapp wears boxers or briefs. Sapp answers, "neither." I begin to twitch involuntarily. Sapp then starts singing "Free-Ballin'" to the tune of Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'," which was actually really funny.
Games I can see are Iggles/Browns, Titans/Vikings, Bolts/Cardinals, and Jags/Colts.
Jay Glazer is working the sidelines of the Iggles/Browns game, and he reports that the officials have rejected some of the footballs that were to be used for the game. The Browns sent out these scuffed up footballs because, according to Glazer, "Jeff Garcia prefers to play with older, used balls." I bet T.O. made him say that.
Doesn't Carolina usually wear black? I haven't seen them much this year. Today, they're wearing some powder blue rip-offs. They look like pussies. The Chargers, when they wear the powder blues, however, look both stylish and masculine.
On the first play from scrimmage for the Eagles, Donovan McNabb goes deep to Todd Pinkston. Sam Rosen calls him Terrell Owens. On the second play, McNabb throws for a TD to Chad Lewis. Sam Rosen calls him Mike Bartrum. Good start for the Eagles. Bad start for Sam Rosen. Pat Summerall never screwed up that bad, and he apparently was drunk for 90% of his career. If Rosen starts referring to Donovan McNabb as Ty Detmer, he might wanna consider retiring.
On the Chargers first play from scrimmage, LaDainian Tomlinson coughs up a fumble. It's just feels weird... it's not something you see often. I feel like I just caught the Pope masturbating. He hasn't lost a fumble since 2001.
The Browns respond by running right through the Eagles defense for a touchdown. Lee Suggs and William Green both just absolutely gashed them. This appears to be the Eagles achilles heel.
So Carolina, already up 3-0, is knocking on the door. On the same play, the Chargers pick up pass interference and roughing the passer penalties. At least we did manage to get a fake interception out of it.
Terrell Owens, touchdown. He runs over to the corner of a stadium and spikes the ball off of a sign that says, "T.O. has B.O." I hope Owens wasn't offended by the insinuation that he has body odor, but rather the sheer lameness of the sign. The people who made that lame-ass sign just got more attention than they ever deserved. Really, Cleveland, the best you can come up with is saying that Owens smells bad? OHHHH... T.O. GOT SERVED.
The Chargers somehow escape giving up only a field goal, and it's 6-0. It should be 14-0, or at least 10-0.
Through four offensive plays, the Chargers have one fumble, one holding call, and one false start. I'm noticing that we're getting off to slow starts on the road.
Browns WR Andre King falls down on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. For seemingly no reason, he just fell. I thought he blacked out or something. I'd later learn that he sprained his ankle. Yes, he sprained his ankle on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. Does he have the Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable disease?
So, my potential new girlfriend is here, but she's not my waitress. She keeps looking over and smiling, but she hasn't actually talked to me. I like it when they play hard-to-get. I'll have her naked by halftime.
The Carolina/SD game has turned into the Brad Hoover show. He's running, he's catching, he's making me wish he would sprain his ankle on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. I hate him.
Terrell Owens hauls in another touchdown catch, and goes to the back of the endzone and tears down a sign that had a picture of a rat, and said, "Takes One to know one," with the T. and the O. standing out. Another outstanding sign, Cleveland. Apparently, no one in Cleveland ever got out of the fifth grade. In the 2nd half, are they going to break out the sign that says, "T.O. is a big poopyhead"?
Ricky Manning, CB for the Panthers, commits about a 40-yard pass interference penalty. I yell, "FUCK YOU AND YOUR BROTHER PEYTON." At least a few people always think I'm serious when I do this. The Chargers have been completely outplayed, and actually have a chance to be leading at halftime.
At halftime of the Eagles/Browns game, Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long are talking about nothing but how great Terrell Owens is playing, and how the Eagles are dominating. They're up by 4, and the Browns can run on them at will. It's going to be a game.
Hey, the Dolphins are winning. Did the Rams start Jim Everett?
Danks: "Hey, Kaeding hasn't missed one yet this year, has he?"
Me: "No, actually, he hasn't."
DOINK. Nate Kaeding banks one off the goal post, no good. Thanks a lot, Danks, you dirty prick.
Halftime has come and gone, and I've had no waitresses naked. Just didn't want to leave you hanging.
This guy comes and sits at the table next to us, looking like one of the old bosses in Casino. That's two Casino references in one Smorgasbord. Extra value for you, the reader. Anyway, if I wanna have the TV guy clipped, this is definitely the man I need to talk to. He has killed before, clearly.
LaDainian finally gets into the groove and breaks off an 8-yard touchdown run. Chargers lead, never to look back.
Quentin Jammer lays a big hit on someone, and Danks starts singing his own special tune. It's like a slow, high-pitched love song... "You got Jammed, bitch..."
Brandon Short, special teamer for the Eagles, takes a knee to the head and immediately goes limp. He's bleeding from the mouth. Not good. He's moving, but the movements aren't natural. He's kinda twitching, almost.
Okay... he's moving, he's up, he's walking. Phew. He's also talking shit to the Browns bench as he gets carted off. Nice.
Things are looking good for the Fish. They're up 31-14. For all the St. Louis reporters who have ever been annoyed with Mike Martz's smart-ass know-it-all attitude at press conferences, today is the day for revenge. Good luck finding a justification for getting worked by the Dolphins, pal.
And Jesse Chatman breaks off a long run down to the Carolina 10. Tomlinson has been bottled up all day, Chatman comes in, and has his way. Either the Panthers D doesn't key on the run so much when Chatman is in, or LaDainian Tomlinson is only the 2nd-best running back in the NFL... behind Jesse Chatman.
It's a Jesse Chatman touchdown, AND THAT'S HOW WE DO SHIT IN SAN DIEGO. 17-6, Chargers.
Josh Scobee, roughly the size of my right leg, is about to attempt a 53-yarder to win for the Jags. His career long is 48 yards. It's up, it's good, and Jacksonville's going to win in Indy. Impressive W for the Jags, and all three Mannings, Peyton, Eli, and Ricky, are losing today. And while we're at it, Archie loses every day when he wakes up realizes that his youngest son is a sock-chewin' bitch.
The Browns, down 7 and driving, get an absolute gift of a roughing the passer call on a 4th down that wouldn't have been successful. I think the refs might be rooting for Garcia to beat Owens. I'm serious. And I don't blame them... I am too.
Garcia runs it in for a Cleveland score, and the game is tied. Man, I really want the Browns to win this thing. And then I want Jeff Garcia to go find Terrell Owens, tackle him, hold him down, and start humping his facemask.
Danks chuckles every time the Iggles return a kick, because their kick returner is named J.R. Reed. J.R. Reid is a former center for the Charlotte Hornets and UNC Tarheels, and had a marvelous high-top fade, second only in beauty to the guy from Kid 'n Play. I don't remember if it was Kid or Play, though. Sorry.
The Eagles go long to T.O. in overtime, and it's incomplete. I yell, "SORRY, BITCH." This old pro bowler-looking guy with a rapist mustache laughs and turns around to me and says, "I like you!"
Almost immediately after that, Randall Gay of the Patriots recovers a fumble, and I yell, "IT'S GAY TIME!" In retrospect, this is probably not the best way to respond when a creepy old guy just told me he likes me. Something tells me I'm about to get his phone number.
David Akers is cash... and unfortunately, the Eagles win. Jeff Garcia will have to hump T.O.'s facemask some other day.
For some reason, we decide to build a team of peanuts. This is done by, first, getting some complimentary peanuts. Second, opening them until we find the perfectly-sized nut to play each position. Huge nuts are linemen, long, thin nuts are wideouts, etc. We build an entire offense and defense, complete with punter and kicker. We haven't even been drinking. We are losers.
Larry Fitzerald is on fire early for the Cardinals, and they're up 7-3 over the Seahawks. Josh McCown actually has pretty amazing numbers thus far.
David Patten catches a nice TD pass from Tom Brady, and the Patriots go up 13-7. I really want Tom Brady to get arrested for something absolutely filthy. I don't have anything against him, but he's just too clean-cut, too universally-liked... I want to wake up tomorrow and see a picture of him in the paper beating up a stripper or something.
The Patriots have won their last 27 games when leading at the half. They lead the Jets at the half.
Wow... Ann Heche is staring in a CBS made-for-TV movie, and it even looks like a particularly bad CBS made-for-TV movie. I guess all that 'I'm a lesbian, no I'm not a lesbian' stuff wasn't as good for her career as she thought it would be. It's too bad, I think she's a pretty good actress.
CBS shows Jack Del Rio's postgame speech, and he's babbling something about a Clint Eastwood movie and "shootin' em up." Whatever. I think Jack Del Rio might be on speed. At the very least, he drinks like 7 Red Bulls before each game. Just try to keep your punters away from axes, fella.
Danks asks if there are any famous Steelers fans. I mention that yes, Liberace was a huge Steelers fan. Chris suggests that Liberace was probably more likely to be a Chargers fan, and I gotta admit, he's right. I can see Liberace wearing a sequined lightning bolt jacket... AND LOOKING DAMN GOOD DOING IT.
Sorry.
The Seahawks are down 10 at the half. Wasn't it just like a week ago that everyone thought they were the best team in the NFL? Call me crazy, but losing to the Cardinals just might do something to negatively affect their reputation as a great football team.
It looks like it's raining pretty well at the Patriots game. The Red Sox might not play tonight. How is it that in such a violent sport, with so much more athletic and physical activity, they'll play in a damn monsoon, but a light drizzle starts in a baseball game, and they call it off? I think they should just leave the tarp on the field and play on it.
If Pam Oliver interviewed me, I'd definitely have to pull a Joe Namath on her. Only it would be much dirtier.
Emmitt Smith gets loose in the Seahawks secondary and absolutely jukes the jockstrap off of some d-back. I'm guessing that that guy won't particularly enjoy the film session where he sees a 54-year-old running back breaking his ankles in the open field.
This guy for the Packers named Jue... I bet he's not even Jewish. Poser.
3rd and 2, late in the game for the Patriots... if they pick this up, they can run out the clock and take home a W. Corey Dillon gets it, and the streak is now at 21. The game next week at Pittsburgh, though... that one will be tough.
I don't think I'm going to be able to stay for the duration of the Cardinals/Seahawks game. There's too much time left, and my ass hurts. Back atcha next week for Chargers/Raiders.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:05 PM 1 comments
Sunday, October 17, 2004
| Week 06 - 2004/2005 |
The epic Redskins/Bears tilt is on a big screen in the front room, and the 3-2 Chargers are playing the 4-1 Falcons on a little TV in the back. Unbelievable. I'm fucking hungover, I've already spent 2 and a half hours in a car this morning, and now I'm alone in the back because the douchebag TV guy wearing a Chiefs baseball jersey has the Redskins/Bears and his precious 1-4 Chiefs are on in the front. Beautiful. And he also can't find room for the Dolphins game, so there's absolutely no chance that Crazy Fish Guy will come sit with me. I think he's still upset that I banged his wife.
Games I'm seeing are Panthers/Eagles, Jets/49ers, Chargers/Falcons, and Browns/Bengals. Tony Siragusa is working the sidelines in he Eagles/Panthers game, and he says that the Panthers will be better with someone named Moorehead stepping in for the injured Kris Jenkins. Interesting theory, Goose, considering that Jenkins is about the best DT in football.
I have now been joined by my man AJ, and soon after that, some Jets fan that he knows has a seat with us. Shockingly, he's both a Jets fan, and not incessantly annoying. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, though, apparently. This guy tells me that he just pulled off a trade in his fantasy league, trading away Hines Ward for Andre Davis and Bubba Franks. Shrewd. Couldn't get the guy to throw in Curtis Enis, too? I don't know the guy, though, so I'm just nodding and telling him he made a good move.
The Chargers game is underway, and we hold them to a quick three-and-out. We take possession, and Drew Brees throws an interception. Not good. That was an old-Drew throw. However... offsides, Falcons. A reprieve. Come on, Drew. Be new Drew. Not old Drew.
Hey, the Eagles mascot is wearing Rocky's boxing shorts. That's kind of awesome. I hope the Panthers mascot puts on Ivan Drago's shorts and whoops his ass.
Old Drew throws another interception, and this one counts. This is not good.
The Falcons take possession, and Michael Vick is sacked. Igor Olshansky straight up the gut, and he buried him. This week, the Michael Vick Experience will be getting held down and forcefully penetrated by Igor Olshansky. Put that in a commercial, Nike.
Andre Davis hauls in a 99-yard touchdown pass from Jeff Garcia, and the guy next to me is talking quite seriously about how his Hines Ward for Davis/Franks trade is looking good. I gotta find a way to get this guy into my league next year.
Someone makes Reche Caldwell's knee look like a bendy-straw on the sidelines, and Reche is being carted off. Wonderful. Drew Brees has reverted to 2003 form, and our best receiver is on the back of a golf cart. When Nike makes a commercial about the MJD experience, it'll show a guy in a sports bar crying for 3 consecutive hours while a Jets fan next to him tries to trade Randy Moss for Bam Morris.
Maybe it's just me, but I think Jim Mora Jr. looks less like an NFL coach than he does a struggling stand-up comedian. I can just see him walking into a team meeting and going, "So what is up with the airline food?"
The Falcons hand if off. A waitress sticks her head in front of the TV. When she moves, the Chargers have the ball. That was awesome.
The Seahawks, in the game that was to be their big coming out party, are getting schlongwhipped by the Patriots, 17-0.
For some reason, the spell checker does not recognize "schlongwhipped."
Man, Jake Delhomme just took the nastiest helmet-to-helmet hit I've seen all year. Some Eagle just plowed the crown of his helmet right into Delhomme's earhole, and there was no call.
Michael Vick finds Alge Crumper in the endzone for a Falcons touchdown. I'm not saying it was a lucky play, but... well, it was barely a touchdown pass. It just as easily could've been an interception, and it was Vick's first touchdown pass since Week 2.
The 49ers are somehow up on the Jets, 14-0.
On 4th and goal inside the 1, LaDainian Tomlinson goes over the top with a vertical leap that would make Dominique Wilkins proud. He can get up there.
The Michael Vick Experience throws an interception, and the Chargers score a TD shortly thereafter. Drew Brees is getting back on track, and Eric Parker has stepped it up in the absence of Reche Caldwell.
I think the general public feels the same way I do about the Redskins. My man Chris, who's sitting in the front room, comes back and tells me that just about no one was paying any attention to that game until the Bears picked one off and took it to the house, and everyone cheered at the Redskins expense. Sweet.
These guys at the table next to me are talking about some fantasy football trade, and one dude starts a sentence with, "I swear on my mother's soul..." That's good. Because you wouldn't want to swear on your mother's soul for something that wasn't important. I'm sure mom would be happy to know that her soul was used to help her son make a waiver wire transaction for Eddie Kennison or something.
Every time I look over at the Eagles game, someone is getting hammered. The Eagles are doing some hitting today. They wanted this Carolina win more than any other on their schedule.
The Eagles pick one off, and whoever's returning it has #90 Corey Simon out in front, leading the blocking brigade. Simon, looking like he's going about 340, is running through people, and doing so with incredible speed. Things that big just should not move that fast, unless they have 8-cylinder engines in them. TD Eagles.
By the way, I hate Eagles fans. Hate them.
Nate Kaeding, rookie kicker for the Chargers, buries a 53-yarder. Clutch. And then he launches the kickoff out of bounds. So, from 53 yards away, he can kick the ball as hard as he can, and fit it between two posts, just 18.5 feet apart, but given 160 feet to keep it in, he can't do it. Not so clutch. Kickers make rookie mistakes, too, I suppose.
Fox shows a crowd shot of two girls at the Eagles game wearing pink hats with the Eagles logo on them. I yell, "WHORES." The commentators then explain that for every pink hat that's sold, $5 is donated to breast cancer research. So, um... sorry. To make up for it, I'm buying a pink Eagles hat.
CBS is running a poll asking who's the best young quarterback in the NFL. Drew Brees's name appears on the list, which makes me smile. He deserves to be. He won't win, but the fact that he's even being considered... that just makes my day.
LaDainian needs a little bit of a breather, so we'll just put in Jesse Chatman, and HE WILL GO WHEREVER THE FUCK HE WANTS.
William Green is absolutely shredding the Bengals. The Bengals defense must be absolutely atrocious. Even the Browns can do whatever they want against them. By the way, Chad Johnson, who sent some Pepto-Bismol to the Browns DBs earlier in the week, has 3 drops and has made no impact on the game. I hope some drunken Browns fan throws a bottle of it at him and gets pink stuff all over him.
The Jets have managed to come back against the 49ers behind a Curtis Martin touchdown and some strong play by tight end Anthony Becht.
Michael Vick, unfortunately, can run very fast. He runs for a TD, and has closed to the gap to 14-17.
And after a three-and-out from the Chargers, Michael Vick throws a picture-perfect lob to the corner of the endzone for another TD. The Michael Vick Experience has made me nauseous. We dominated most of this game, and we trail by 4. Fudgecicles.
The Panthers are driving late against the Eagles. The game has been over for quite some time, but the Eagles do desperately want a shutout. So do the fans in the bar. Spitefully, I don't want them to have it. Come on, Panthers... Delhomme throws, touchdown to Mushin! HAHA.
Tim Rattay throws a pass to a 49ers receiver, who does what every good receiver does, and ducks as if the ball was on fire. I'm sure there's a logical explanation, like he thought the pass was intended for someone behind him or something, but still... that was amsuing. Somehow, that sort of thing only happens to really bad teams.
And the Chargers burn their last timeout with over 6:00 to play in the 4th quarter. That's... that's not good.
Alright... Nate Kaeding buries another clutch field goal, and we're down 1. We need a stop, and we need to get a score, and we need to do it in just a couple of minutes. I'm just glad that it doesn't look like we'll need those timeouts or anything.
And we just... can't... hold. Michael Vick is running for first downs, he's throwing for them... fuck that guy. I wanna go to a Falcons game and hold up a sign that says, "Yeah, well, your brother does little girls."
I go out to the front room for the 4:00 games, and some Redskins fan in a Patrick Ramsey jersey just won't sit down. His game is over, he's already celebrated a victory over the Bears like a Super Bowl win, and now's he's got to stand in front of the TV. Do me a favor, pal, act like the guy who's jersey you're wearing, and sit.
The game wasn't on anywhere, so I didn't see it, but I guess the Dolphins blew their best shot at winning a game today. I'm feeling for Crazy Fish Guy. CFG, you're a CF-OG. Keep rollin' hard, my man.
Jim Nantz sucks. All he has is a smooth voice. That's it. He is not good at calling games... not football, not college basketball. He never has been. An interception goes right through Chad Scott's hands, and Keyshawn Johnson catches it. Without a word about Scott or his actions, Nantz credits Keyshawn for "great concentration." I guess you gotta talk about the guys you've actually heard of. Nantz should never be allowed to leave the Augusta National grounds.
Y'know, some of the bitterness has dissipated... so I can admit that Michael Vick was pretty brilliant down the stretch. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel like the best team won that game, but... Vick was the man. May he get genital herpes.
Ben Roethlisberger is unspeakably impressive. The way he moves in the pocket, the way he throws the ball... nothing about him suggests rookie. It seems like he's got the respect of the team, too. It's an impressive thing to watch.
The only two games on at 4:00 are apparently Steelers/Cowboys and Raiders/Broncos. For divisional purposes, I have to root for the Raiders, and I'm pretty sure they'll be letting me down.
Roethlisberger suffers a knee injury of some kind. Millions of Pittsburghers are flocking downtown to the 16th-street bridge, ready to throw themselves off if the injury is in any way serious. People in Pittsburgh haven't been this upset since Journey broke up in 1987.
I haven't written anything down in a while... I've been drawing dirty pictures on napkins, depicting AJ and Danks doing filthy things to each other. Hey, everyone needs a hobby.
Say, what happens if Tommy Maddox is named the starter when he comes back from injury? How soon after the press conference would Bill Cowher be murdered? Under an hour?
And for the first time this year, we hear the word UNABATED! I suggest that we start a new tradition, and do a shot each time we hear the word "unabated." First, we have to invent our new unabated shot, though.
We debate for a while about what the shot should consist of. I vote for Tequlia and the sweat of seven Nepalese virgins. The bar doesn't have it. We argue until we all just forget about it and don't do the shot.
My waitress this week is being exceptionally nice to me. There are smiles, attention, physical contact. I think she senses that I'm a man on the rebound, and she wants to move in. I guess now would be a good time to give an update on the old girlfriend, too. I haven't mentioned her this year, because... she hasn't been there. You might be thinking that she found a better job somewhere else, but it's more than that. What I'm saying is that she left me. Without a word, without a note, the trollop just up and left, leaving me with only the receipts I saved from the times she served me. It's an emotional topic for me.
If you're new to the Smorgasbord this year, there's a good chance that you have no idea what I'm talking about. Basically, I developed a very special relationship with a waitress here, and I made her my girlfriend. In ImaginaryLand. For a more in-depth explanation, you can check out last year's Smorgasbords, starting about 2/3rds of the way down the page in Week One.
The point of all this us... I think this waitress wants to be my new girlfriend. In fact, I'm sure of it. I just don't know if I'm ready to commit yet. I enjoy the courting period so much. She brings me a beverage, I smile and say thank you, and we do the same thing with various items like peanuts, chicken wings, and handi-wipes. The "early relationship" phase is so sweet and so exhilarating... I don't know if I want to rush into anything.
I'm watching the Raiders game, and it occurs to me... I recognize a lot of the bastards in the stands. The guys in the spikes and Darth Vader costumers... I've seen them so much that I know who they are. It's sad. What kind of message are we sending to America's youth by letting these people in public, let alone putting them on TV? It's just sad. Hey kids, want the attention of a nation? Drop out of school, get a job at the carnival, do all your clothes-shopping at the Halloween store, go to Raiders game, stab a few people, and you can be famous, too!
Oh, good... Archie Manning will be a special guest on CBS next week. I really felt that was the one thing lacking from their NFL coverage; the perspective of a career loser who's raised his youngest son to be a big wet pussy. I can't wait.
The Cowboys have gone up 20-10 on the Steelers. This is weird. Vinny Testaverde is playing the Steelers, and he's yet to throw an interception. Will the old Vinny make an appearance? Anyway, down 10, let's see how Ben Roethlisberger responds.
Jim Nantz: "Bill Parcells said that Ben Roethlisberger is the best-looking young quarterback to come into the league since Dan Marino." Hm. I never thought Dan Marino was all that attractive. Different strokes, I guess.
Roethlisberger scrambles, shucks, jives, and finds Jerame Tuman in the back of the endzone for a score. I guess that's how Ben Roethlisberger responds.
In case anyone was wondering, the Raiders are getting their asses pounded.
Chris Hope's helmet comes off two plays in a row. Might wanna look into actually buckling that chinstrap, fella.
Well... Old Vinny has made his appearance. With 2:36 on the clock, and the Cowboys up by 3, Vinny fumbles in a most unusual fashion. A first down for the 'Boys, and the game is over. I thought the worst-case scenario was eating some clock, punting, pinning the Steelers deep, and making them drive the length of the field. As it turns out, the worst-case scenario was Vinny fumbling, and Kimo Von Oelhoffen picking it up and setting up a Steelers win.
Jerome Bettis caps things off with his customary 4-inch touchdown carry... and he's keeping the ball This just irks me... Duce Staley has been a workhorse all day, Jerome manages to get behind a blocker and prance his ass into the endzone, and he's keeping the ball? I hope he's taking it to Duce Staley. Duce says it's alright with him, and it's working out alright for everyone, but if the Steelers were 1-5... I doubt that would be the case.
CBS with a shot of Vinny Testaverde on the sidelines, sitting on the bench with a look on his face that says, "Dammit... I am still Vinny."
With a slim chance to still win the game, the Cowboys get down to the Steelers 30 with a hook-n-lateral play to Terry Glenn. And due to some home cooking from the clock operator, they have one shot from the 30. A few tense seconds later, it falls incomplete. Steelers win.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:01 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 10, 2004
| Week 05 - 2004/2005 |
To start things off this week, I need to send out some love to my boy Kevin, who is currently at the hospital awaiting the delivery of the 2nd child. He's also probably really mad at his wife for going into labor right before the Steelers game. It wouldn't shock me to learn that he tried to reach in himself and yank the kid out before kickoff.
The Patriots are on in the back room, so I head back there with Danks. As I make the switch, I'm immediately rewarded, as I see Crazy Fish Guy hanging out in a corner by himself. I go over and apologize for pretending to screw his wife in the Smorgasbord last week.
Okay, I didn't, but I'm waiting for the day when Crazy Fish Guy stumbles upon the website, and comes up to me and says, "Hey, am I Crazy Fish Guy?" and then proceeds to kick my ass.
The games I'm watching are Cowboys/Giants, Raiders/Colts, Bucs/Saints, and Fish/Patriots.
Crazy Fish Guy, degenerate gambler that he is, tells Danks that he took the Dolphins... outright. Against the Patriots. I hope he was getting about 928-1 odds. Oh, and a Patriots fan is sitting with him, the same guy who was wearing a "G-Unit" t-shirt last week. Crazy Fish Guy and G-Unit. That should be a sitcom.
Tom Brady throws an interception to open the game, and Crazy Fish Guy celebrates a little. He almost immediately apologizes to G-Unit. He's such a sweet man... it's easy to see how a gal like the Crazy Fish Wife could fall for him.
Marcellus Wiley of the Cowboys yanks off Jeremy Shockey's helmet. Shockey keeps playing, like every player in the history of the NFL who's ever had their helmet ripped off would do. But, since he's Jeremy Shockey, pasty white media whore, the commentators make it seem like he's a Roman gladiator or something.
Danks spots Olindo Mare being carted off. He hasn't even kicked the ball yet. I hope he just decided in the pre-game that he didn't want to play football anymore, but he wanted to spend his life traveling around and snorting the yayo.
Some guy named "Gay" intercepts a pass for the Patriots. I start yelling things like, "YEAH. I LOVE GAY," and "KEEP IT GAY, BABY!" Unfortunately, Danks and I are the only ones in the room who know that a player named "Gay" even exists. I'm getting some looks. And some phone numbers.
The Dolphins defense is really really good. It's kind of unfortunate. But, being a Chargers fan, I'm intimately familiar with a team with an excellent defense, and no offense. Ryan Leaf and Craig Whelihan were doing the Fiedler/Feely bit long before anyone else. We're the originators in San Diego, baby.
Danks and I are sitting there enjoying our day, when a couple of Raiders fans who haven't showered since 1997 walk into the room, and shockingly, at about 1:45, can't find a place to sit. They grab a couple of chairs and just sit them down in the middle of the room, right next to our table. Fortunately, that doesn't last long, as they move on to ugly up some other table. Danks remarks that a benevolent and merciful God just wouldn't let that happen to us. "God said to himself that MJD and Danks might say some fucked-up shit, but I'm still not letting that happen to them."
The Cowboys attempt some chicanery, and Keyshawn Johnson throws a pass. It bounces off Giants corner Will Allen's chest. Dick Stockton calls it "a pretty good pass."
My brother calls me and is currently lobbying for Kevin to name his child, "Ben Roethlisberger."
This absolute dickweed of a Giants fan comes and sits with us. Apparently, Danks knows him. Almost immediately, I want to set him on fire. He claims to be a big Giants fan, but sat in the other room for the entire first quarter. Some Giant drops a TD pass, and he has no idea what the guy's name is. I know it was Tim Carter, and I hate watching the NFC East. I think this guy just called him Dave Meggett.
The Raiders defensive coordinator has a dirty redneck frosted mullet. He's like Randy Cross, except with a bushy goatee and without shampoo.
A white guy, Brock Forsey (really? a guy named Brock is white?), is getting carries for the Dolphins.
"FORSEY?! WHO THE HELL IS HE?" - Crazy Fish Guy.
Jay Fiedler throws a touchdown pass. Chris Chambers makes an amazing catch, as any receiver will have to do if he wants to catch a Jay Fiedler pass. Wes Welker, kick returner, is on to kick the extra point. I only know who Welker is because he spent the preseason and Week 1 returning kicks for the Chargers. He's now kicking for the Dolphins, and he drills the extra point. Of course, Welker's ensuing kickoff was fair caught at about the 30-yard-line by a Patriot wearing #90.
Deuce McAllister is fumbling the ball like someone dared him to.
Oh good, dickweed Giants fan is back. There's a sheet of paper laying on the table, and he points to it and asks, "What fantasy league is that?" Um, they're point spreads, asshole. Neither Danks or I have said a word to him, and he just keeps on talking.
Peyton Manning has three touchdown passes, none of them to Marvin Harrison or Brandon Stokely, both of whom are in my fantasy starting line-up. Just thought I'd mention it.
Tony Siragusa, who I used to hate, is the best sideline guy in sports that isn't named Craig Sager. I really like what The Goose does. He doesn't try to be too polished, he doesn't hustle to get meaningless interviews with annoyed coaches, he just does his thing. I like getting football insights from the sideline guy. He knows the players, he knows the coaches, and he knows what's going on during the game. He's funny, he's relaxed, and he's very good at his job.
Jeremy Shockey blatantly cheats to score a touchdown.
A family of four has a seat at the table behind us. Y'know, I love kids, I really do, but... I hope these youngsters are prepared for the barrage of filth that regularly spews from my mouth on Sundays. If I went to this family's house and was watching football, that would be one thing... but I'm in a bar. So I'm really sorry, mom and dad, but junior's about to become intimately acquainted with the word "fuck."
The Dolphins still have Wes Welker returning kicks, a decision I would question. If he gets hurt, who kicks? Is Garo Yepremian in the stands?
Richard Seymour blatantly roughs the passer. The ref throws a flag in his general direction, and Seymour tries to catch it, like he could avoid the penalty if he doesn't let the flag hit the ground. I like it... I think that should be a new rule.
Brian Griese, in for the injured Chris Simms, is 8 of 9 passing.
And Wes Welker buries a 28-yard field goal. That's unbelievable... and props to Dave Wannstedt for having the balls to let him kick it. If I was on ESPN's Primetime, Wes Welker would definitely be getting my game ball.
And Kurt Warner picks up his 2nd false start penalty of the year. That's gotta be a league record for QBs.
CBS has a shot of Rich Gannon, watching the game from a skybox with a neck brace on. Half the people in the room see him and start laughing. I'm a little disturbed by this. Don't get me wrong, no one on earth hates the Raiders more than I do, but I'm not going laugh at a guy because his neck is all messed-up. I mean, given the chance, I might kick him down a flight of stairs or something, because I'd feel I have a moral obligation to do things like that to Raiders, but I'm not going to laugh at him.
And here's another reason not to laugh: Kerry Collins has thrown 5 interceptions in his last 37 passes. Gannon, even with the neck brace, might be more effective.
And ladies and gentlemen, 7 pounds and 9 ounces of brand new Steelers fan has just been brought into the world. Welcome, Ryan. I guess the little guy really wanted to see the fourth quarter, so someone get the nurse to clean all that nasty baby goo off of him, and find him a TV.
I gotta give it up to Tom Coughlin and Kurt Warner. The Giants, I'm pretty sure, are for real. This was a big road win for them today, and Kurt looks as sharp as ever. And he's only going to get better as he gets more comfortable with the Giants receivers. And by the way, Eli Manning is a sock-chewin' bitch.
Dickweed Giants fan: "I think my fantasy team will be in 1st place by the end of the day."
Danks: "Who do you start at quarterback?"
DGF: "Ummmm... (20 second pause) Byron Leftwich, I think?"
This is the first guy I've ever met who not only sucks at being a football fan, but sucks at being a fantasy football fan. He's a rare double-threat.
It's 4:00. Powder blue makes my dick hard.
The TV that the Chargers are supposed to be on is also the same TV carrying the early Texans/Vikings game. It's going to overtime, and I am not amused.
Some Texans guy gets hurt, dragging out the entire process. Come on, pussy, get up. Be hurt at commercial or something, you're wasting time.
I can see the Chargers on a small television in a different room, about 50 feet away. We open the game with five consecutive passes. I'm cheering and screaming while nothing is happening on any of the three TVs in this room. People must think I'm rooting for a sideline shot of Dom Capers.
Touchdown Bolts on the opening drive. JACKSONVILLE DON'T KNOW.
The powder blues are more attractive than most women I've slept with.
The defense holds, the Bolts get the ball back, and march up the field AGAIN. It looks EASY. The Jacksonville defense has got nothing for Drew Brees, and I'm not even being sarcastic. They don't know. They don't know that Drew Brees is awesome.
Quentin Jammer makes a play, and Danks starts singing in a high falsetto, "Jam that bitch..." I smell a record deal.
I'm not paying a whole lot of attention to it, but when I glance over to the San Fran/Arizona game, it just looks ugly. Says Danks, "Larry Fitzgerald is the only person in this game who's life means anything."
And there's another Chargers fan in the house. This guy is sitting us, and he's got a little Chargers jersey bottle hugger thing. This is amazing, I've never seen another Chargers fan in here. There's one guy who wears a Tomlinson jersey all the time, and who probably claims to be a Bolts fan, but I've never seen him actually watching a Chargers game. This guy behinds me is awesome. I hope he's my biological father.
It's now 21-0 Chargers. It's 21-0 Chargers, against the league's best defense.
Y'know, I've seen several punters talking some shit today. Matt Turk did it in the Dolphins game, and the 49ers punter just did it. I think punters leaguewide were energized by Brian Moorman's effort last week.
Someone in the bar, who has requested anonymity, is buying us beer. I have to assume that it's the Chargers fan, in an effort to make up for all the time he didn't get to spend with me in my childhood. I forgive you, dad.
I think the 49ers might be able to win the Mountain West Conference.
I just yelled "I LOVE YOU, WADE PHILLIPS." And I am not ashamed.
The Chargers offensive and defensive lines, who were supposed to be about the two worst units in football, are playing very, very well. It's amazing, really. I never stopped believing in Marty Schottenheimer.
Chargers DT Jamal Williams is called for a personal foul. They show a replay, and towards the end of the play, the trips and falls over a Jags offensive lineman. I whine, "Oh, come on, he just tripped and fell on him." As soon as these words leave my mouth, Jamal Williams is seen throwing a series of punches at the guy as he laid on the ground. He started working the body... he looked like Tito Trinidad. Is it wrong that I really enjoyed that?
The Chargers are just rolling. The Jags will go on to add some late meaningless points against the prevent defense, but make no mistake about it, this was an ass-beating. The Chargers are just playing really, really well right now. It's a beautiful thing to me.
And that'll about do it for the Smorgasbord. I'm deciding to spend the rest of the afternoon celebrating the Chargers win, and the birth of young Ryan. I'll get back atcha next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 4:58 PM 0 comments
Sunday, October 03, 2004
| Week 04 - 2004/2005 |
Crazy Fish Guy's in the house this week, and he is, for some reason, wearing a snug Colorado State t-shirt. And his sunglasses, indoors. Danks speculates that CSU covered the spread yesterday, and he's showing some appreciation. I think he's just the finest CSU grad in the history of the world.
And oh... oh my. I think, and I can't verify it right now, but I think... that this could be the very first public sighting of the happy recipient of the Crazy Fish Stick... the Crazy Fish Wife. She is... well... She's a handsome woman. And has one of the most beautiful blonde femme-mullets I've ever seen. She is a vision.
This douchebag Steelers fan, who sometimes actually manages to watch the Steelers instead of the players on his fantasy team, starts talking up Mr. and Mrs. Crazy Fish Guy. CFG asks the guy, as always, if he thinks the Steelers are going to cover. And the douchebag says, "Well, I hope so, I've got Roethlisberger on my fantasy team this week." I absolutely hate this guy. Danks wonders aloud how he reacts when he sees that Best Buy commercial where the guy cheers for someone on his fantasy team. We're now waiting for that commercial.
So, we're discussing the Jamal Lewis decision, and how he gets to serve his sentence in the off-season, proving once again that celebrity athletes are treated way better than any of us could ever hope to be. I'm thinking that the judge in the case has Jamal on his fantasy team.
At 1:02, as football games are starting, all the TVs are still on ESPN. We're watching the National Scrabble Championship. I'm rooting for the black guy, but no one else joins me in my attempt to start a "TRIPLE WORD SCORE!" chant.
Eventually, the games we're seeing are the Steelers/Bengals, Patriots/Bills, and Eagles/Bears. I hate being in the same room with Eagles fans. The old TV guy used to keep the NFC East people in the back room, away from the normal decent human beings. This new guy is killing me.
The Eagles narrowly miss a TD pass, and Eagles fans act like all their parents were just simultaneously murdered. It's the Bears. Relax.
Some loser Eagles fan wearing a T.O. jersey tucked into his dockers comes over and asks the five of us if we want to switch him places, and sit in a booth. Sure, chief, we'll be happy to all cram into a booth, and make it so that 2 of us are facing in the opposite direction of the TV.
So those sunglasses that Crazy Fish Guy was wearing... they're not really sunglasses. They're the kind of glasses that just change from dark to light depending on the sun. Awesome.
And I think the same guy is rooting against the Steelers, just to be a dick. Of course, I do this same thing like every week, depending on what fans are in the bar, but it just seems far less cool when it's someone other than me doing it.
Before today, I don't think I had really realized just how hideous the new Bengals uniforms are. I've always liked the helmets, and the whole tiger-stripe scheme... but these new threads look like something designed by a cracked-out zookeeper.
The Bills are called for a roughing-the-passer penalty. Danks appears upset, not because Tom Brady might've gotten hurt, but because someone other than Bridget Moynihan touched him in such a manner.
The Bills intercept Tom Brady, and the Eagles fan in the dockers calls out, "Interception for the Giants!" I wish the sports bar had a jail underneath it like the Eagles stadium.
Ben Roethlisberger is infinitely impressive. It seems like he always knows how much touch to put on his throws, makes good decisions, and protects the ball. I'm not at all happy about it. I don't want any rookie quarterbacks to succeed until Phil Rivers is also awesome.
Terrell Owens finds the endzone, and does six sit-ups. Eagles fans laugh like they're witnessing Richard Pryor live at the Sunset Strip. Eagles fans love sit-ups, apparently.
The Eagles fan in the dockers is calling out things that are happening. After the ref calls holding, he yells, "Holding!" If someone drops a pass, he yells, "Incomplete!" Danks starts mocking him by saying things like "Third and Seven" before the play. Eventually, we all get in on it. Mockingly, 3 seconds after the referee says the exact same thing, I call out, "Personal foul!" and this douche does it at the exact same time. I'm now calling out things like, "Sunday!" and "Sports Bar!"
Brian Moorman, Bills punter, drops the snap, and takes off. Brian Moorman can haul. He's actually calling out blocks. Danks recalls that it's like the first bad-luck play to actually go against the Patriots in about three years.
In a very special event on the NFL network this week, Jim Mora sits down for an emotional interview with Dick Vermeil. I hope Dick Vermeil says that he thinks the Cheifs can still make the playoffs, and Mora starts going, "Playoffs? PLAYOFFS?!" and then Vermeil starts crying.
Referee Johnny Grier is doing the Patriots/Bills game, and he's down. Johnny Grier is hurt. I think he tripped over his cock.
There are 3 games on CBS this afternoon, and 2 of them are available in HDTV. The Chargers game isn't one of them. Fucking haters. It's always the Chargers who get the shaft. That's alright, because I know that this week, the Chargers are not fucking around.
When is Duce Staley going to get tired of this Jerome Bettis coming in at the goal-line thing? He just scored another little 1-yard TD, accompanied by me screaming, "BREAK HIS FUCKING LEG." Duce needs to get more selfish about this. I'm hoping for a mid-week T.O.-style metldown. It would certainly be warranted. The Steelers are keeping Duce out of the endzone, and he's got great numbers so far. This lack of TD's thing could keep him out of the Pro Bowl, just because Bill Cowher doesn't want to hurt Jerome Bettis's feelings.
So that Best Buy commercial with the fantasy fan does come on. I'm watching the loser Steelers/fantasy fan for his reaction. There isn't one. The lowlife was too busy cheering for Corey Dillon.
I can't say for sure, but I think Mrs. Crazy Fish Guy is a Steelers fan. And y'know, she does look like a Pittsburgh kind of gal. But I bet Crazy Fish Guy makes her wear a Larry Csonka jersey during naughty time. I wouldn't rule out a Dolphins helmet, either.
Dockers Eagles guy has now said for the 182nd time, while McNabb is under center, "What's Chunky Soup going to do?" This ACL, hopefully.
Troy Polamalu makes an interception late in the Steelers game, and the beauty of the pick itself was exceeded only by the runback. That was a man who wouldn't be denied. He even messed up his old boy Carson Palmer at the goal line. Polamalu is turning into an excellent player.
And the ticker shows that Cleveland beat Washington. Ouch. The Joe Gibbs era is shaping up to be as awesome as the Steve Spurrier era.
Richard Seymour picks up a Drew Bledsoe fumble and starts rumbling towards the house. Rodney Harrison comes out of nowhere at full speed to accompany Seymour to the house. If anyone was thinking about taking a shot at tackling Seymour, they just thought better of it. It seals the win for the Pats, who have now won 18 in a row. It's really an incredible number. I think five other teams have done it, and none of them played in a time where there was such parity. Winning 18 straight in the NFL would be like winning 40 straight NBA games, or 1,872 straight baseball games.
The TV douchebag is about 10 minutes late in changing the channels for the late games. I think he was busy masturbating to the tought of that Jim Mora/Dick Vermeil interview. When he does finally get around to changing the channel, it's just in time for the Chargers first false start penalty. Terrific.
I think Steve McNair could've played today. He's Steve McNair. Unless he actually has a limb missing, he could go. But since it's the Chargers, they think they can walk in and pick up a win with Billy Volek at the helm. Punk-asses. They don't even know who they're fucking with.
Crazy Fish Guy left after the 1:00 games. The Dolphins play at 4. Crazy Fish guy distributes his love in this order. 1) Gambling. 2) Dolphins. 3) Crazy Fish Wife. Actually, I'm not sure... 2 and 3 might need to be flipped. They went home, but who knows what they're doing. Either watching the Dolphins, or breaking out the Larry Csonka jersey.
On the first drive, Drew Brees hits Reche Caldwell for 49 yards, and then LT houses it. 7-0 Bolts. I told you, we are not here to fuck around this week.
My man Chris points out to be that every week, there's a few curious looks in my direction when people see someone actually cheering for the Chargers. I am who I am. SCREW YOU FOR JUDGING ME.
So I'm wondering... who would win a fight between Ed Hochuli and Mike Carey? Hochuli's bigger, sure... and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mess with him. But he might be of one of those Golds Gym pussies who gets huge and oils themselves up, but would cry like a girl scout if someone actually hit them. My money's on Mike Carey. And I'd buy it on PPV.
Rod Smart suffers a pretty gruesome injury, caused apparently, by just fielding a punt. His knee looked all kinds of messed up. I hope he's alright.
The Titans, with a long series of 4-yard passes, have tied it up at 7. But they can't run against us, and I know we can win this game. I know it. I haven't felt like this since... I dunno, Stan Humphries retired.
On opposite sides of the table, going head-to-head in a fantasy match-up, Danks has Justin McCareins and Chris has Santana Moss. Chad Pennington. Every pass is going to Chrebet, a tight end, Curtis Martin, or that Sowell guy.
You know what's a shame? The Dolphins might have the best defense in the league. It's at least in the Top 5. They certainly have McCareins and Moss locked up. I give it three more weeks before they outright quit and make Jay Fiedler play middle linebacker for a series after each turnover he commits.
Chris Brown can't run on us. He has absolutely no room. Our run defense, in the span of a week, became good.
It's 5:15, and I don't think I've used a sentence without profanity since before 4:00.
Drew Brees with a perfect strike to Antonio Gates. Touchdown Bolts. 14-7. We look so sharp. The defense is strong, the offensive line is moving people, and Drew Brees can't miss. Startin' to come together, Pepper. Startin' to come together.
Y'know, doing the Smorgasbord is way more difficult when the Chargers aren't losing, and I don't have anything to bitch about. To compensate, from here on out, every Smorgasbord item that appears in orange will be something that I completely made up.
The Titans complete a short pass (which is about the extend of their offensive arsenal today), and Quentin Jammer makes a great open-field tackle. Danks spontaneously starts singing, "I'm gonna jam you like an animal... up the ass, bitch."
It's 24-7 Bolts late in the 3rd, and the Titans are driving. I think this is the first time they've been in Charger territory since the 1st quarter.
I just banged Crazy Fish Guy's wife in the bathroom.
LaDainian Tomlinson has just become the all-time leading rusher in Chargers history, surpassing the great Paul Rowe.
I know who Paul Rowe is.
After converting on 4th down like 5 times, the Titans finally do kick a field goal. 24-10 Bolts. And then they do one of those cheap little fake real kick, but really onside kick, things. And they recover. It's usually the Chargers resorting to cheap shenanigans to try to win games. I like this.
I'm pretty sure Mrs. Crasy Fish Guy gave me syphilis.
And on the next drive, the Titans convert like 8 more 4th downs, and they score again. 24-17. Fuck.
I guess Brett Favre suffered a concussion or something, and then threw a touchdown pass. That's cool and call, but Drew Brees did the same thing two weeks ago. I'm not saying that Favre isn't the man, but they're going to make it out like he just earned a purple heart, and I'd like for it to be noted that Drew Brees has equally huge balls.
Crazy Fish Guy just ripped his shirt off and challenged me to a fight.
On the ensuing possession, a Titans safety tries to make a jump on a ball and pick it off, but Reche Caldwell one-hands in and houses it. That should do it. I told you, we were not fucking around this week.
And the Titans start acting like little bitches, pushing and shoving and jawing after every play. Waaaaaaaaaah, we're losing, waaaaaaaah... Get the fuck off the field. Losers.
Crazy Fish Guy just kicked my ass, repeatedly punching me in the face and screaming, "THIS IS FOR BOB GRIESE!"
And LT's back-up, Jesse Chatman gets into the act, breaking off a touchdown run of his own. 38-17 Chargers. THAT, my friends... was an ass-beating. I feel like breaking into song... we looked absolutely dominant today. I fucking love it when the Chargers win.
Crazy Fish Guy just apologized and invited me over to his house to play Twister and watch The Karate Kid IV, the one with the girl.
Alright, I'm out. Next week, the winning streak continues against the Jags. Seeya next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 4:54 PM 0 comments
