Sunday, November 21, 2004
| Week 11 - 2004/2005 |
We're getting a little bit of a late jump today... I forgot a pen and paper. Not an auspicious beginning to Chargers/Raiders day. Anyway, I had to walk over to Office Depot, which necessitated me walking through a bowling alley, and they had this absolutely beautiful Steelers bowling ball on display there. Did you know they made cool bowling balls? I had no idea. I thought they just came in black and brown. I'd like to think that somewhere out there, someone has a Tupac bowling ball.
Chris Mortenson reports that Joe Horn's infamous cell phone only fetched $650 at a charity auction. Ouch. Joe probably paid about $200 for it. That's gotta be a blow to the ego of Joe Horn. Sorry, Joe... no one gives a fuck about you or your lame-ass cell phone celebration, even if it is for charity.
For some reason, one of the pre-game shows is showing the Pistons/Pacers brawl. My man AJ has the best and most practical question about the situation that I've heard yet... Where were the entourages? Isn't this a job for the entourages? What was Ron-Ron's crew doing when all of this went down? Forget about security... 70-year-old men in Event Staff jackets aren't getting the job done, obviously. In this situation, when Ron got hit with the beer, he should've just told a few of his boys to go up in the stands and handle his B.I. Because you know that Ron-Ron's rolling with a few dudes that have killed before. Everyone complains about entourages, but if they were used correctly, this whole situation could've been avoided. David Stern should just mandate a 5-person entourage (two of whom should be convicted felons, and at least one should be strapped) for every NBA player.
Chad Johnson, who's been talking shit all week, sees the first pass thrown his way bounce off his chest.
Jerome Bettis, on his second carry, moves into 5th place on the NFL's all-time leading rusher list. I think you can make a case for Jerome Bettis as the world's greatest athlete. Here's my rationale. Take a world class athlete, like, say... Tracy McGrady for example. Strap 150 extra pounds to his back, and can he still be one of the best in the league? I doubt it. Jerome plays a position that's usually occupied by a world-class athlete, someone in amazing physical condition, and he does it just as ably while being significantly on the tubby side. That's manly.
A white guy for the Vikings scores a touchdown, and tries to punt the ball. He whiffs. As the ball is laying on the ground, he winds up and drops a Randy Savage-style elbow on it.
Ben Roethlisberger had the Steelers at the Bengals 14 yard line on the opening drive, and then too two consecutive sacks, pushing the Steelers back out of field goal range. That was weird, and un-Roethlisberger-like.
Alright, if Chad Johnson wants to talk now, he can. He made an amazing touchdown catch, and the celebration he was hyping all week, the one for which he asked fans to bring money and pay his fine, consisted of getting confused, running around in a circle, and then doing some extremely lame dance move that you probably wouldn't even see in most white dance clubs.
Musa Smith of the Ravens suffers an absolutely gruesome injury. His leg is flopping back and forth as if there's a joint about halfway between his knee and ankle. I'm pretty sure there isn't. That was ugly.
James Farrior intercepts a Carson Palmer pass and takes it to the house. Y'know, if the NFL had a real MVP award, one that wasn't based on stats and media attention alone, James Farrior could make a case. He could at least win some kind of unsung hero award or something. He's having a great year.
Alright, now Aaron Brooks has made the two single-dumbest plays of the year. There was the one against the Chargers where he threw a backwards pass to Wayne Gandy, and now, as he's about to get sacked, he forces up a touchdown pass to Al Wilson. Unfortunately for Aaron Brooks, Al Wilson is a Broncos linebacker.
Ben Roethlisberger looks a little different today. He's getting sacked regularly. I don't know if the Bengals are doing something different to him in the secondary or what, but he seems to be tucking the ball away much earlier today. His numbers are still very decent, but he doesn't look quite the same.
No Crazy Fish Guy this week. This means I won't get to see him before Thanksgiving, which makes me sad. On Thursday, take a second, think about the middle-aged gambling addict in a tight Dolphins t-shirt, sitting in front of a dry turkey and wondering if the Lions are going to cover. Let us all give thanks.
You might remember a couple weeks ago when my friend Pat showed up completely out of the blue and showed us his frostbitten toes. Once again, Pat is spotted wandering aimlessly around the bar this week, looking for us. He sits down and starts talking about how happy celery farmers must be about the boom in popularity for chicken wings.
The Rams are getting creamed in Buffalo. The Rams are an odd team... I think they might just not have any heart. You never get the feeling that anyone on that team likes each other. They might not dislike each other, but I dunno... I don't get the feeling that anyone would take a bullet for Marc Bulger.
The Bengals, pretty late in the game now, trail only 17-14. They keep sacking Roethlisberger, and they keep hanging around. Could be an interesting finish.
And Curtis Martin moves into 6th place on the NFL's all-time rushing list. Rough day for Tony Dorsett, isn't it? I can see him enjoying a Sunday at home with this family, someone telling him that Jerome Bettis pushed him down the list, and Tony being like, "Oh, really? Well, that sucks." And a couple of hours later, Curtis Martin pushes him down another spot, and he's gotta be like, "God DAMMit. Anyone ELSE want to pass me on the NFL's all-time rushing list today?"
Willis McGahee breaks off an incredible touchdown run. He was rumbling down the sidelines, and some Ram hit him, one of those shoulder-to-hip hits, and somehow, McGahee jumped over it, kept his balance, stayed in bounds and housed it. Amazing.
Replay showed he had a toe on the out-of-bounds line, and someone held on the play, but still... amazing. McGahee is pissed at whoever held.
The Steelers record a safety when Carson Palmer intentionally grounds th ball in the endzone... and that'll just about end the Bengals hopes of pulling off an upset today.
Hey, Marc Bulger's sister is here. Right now, I'm pretty much watching her watch her brother, because it's got to be weird watching a loved one take a beating every week. Also, she's really hot.
There's a guy here wearing an old-school Buccaneers t-shirt. It's bright orange, with the Bucs old logo on the front... do you remember the gay pirate? That logo was unbelievably awesome. Pat calls him a "swashbuckler of the other persuasion." I think the Bucs made a mistake when they dumped it. People said it was gay, sure, but I think they should've embraced it. You can adopt a generic skull logo, but that's not going to intimidate anyone. If you want to intimidate an opponent, embrace the gay logo, and make opposing running backs think there's a good chance they're going to get molested in a pile.
The Steelers game is over. Good win for the Steelers today. They didn't play well, and they still won a divisional road game. That's what good teams do.
The Chargers open things up with an effortless TD drive against the Raiders. Drew Brees finds soon-to-be pro bowler Antonio Gates in the endzone. And then we have the extra point blocked.
I just surpassed Tony Dorsett on the NFL's all-time rushing list.
Two plays into Eli Manning's first NFL start, he is still conscious. You are letting me down, Falcons.
Drew Brees just made an amazing play. He rolled to his right, threw back to his left on a weird angle, and put it right over the shoulder of Antonio Gates. Amazing play.
And on the next play, Lorenzo Neil fumbles in the endzone. Ouch. It should be 14-0.
A.J. Feeley takes a pretty brutal shot, and goes down. The good news for the Dolphins is that it doesn't really hurt them when their QB gets hurt. Stroke of genius by the front office, really. I think Dave Wannstedt went to the GM and said, "Hey, can you figure out a way for us to be able to just go on as normal if our quarterback gets hurt?" And sure enough, he found a way.
Michael Vick, when he's throwing the ball well... is an offense. He's a running game and a passing game, all rolled into one person. He doesn't need any help, really. He's like, "Fuck it, just give me Alge Crumpler and I'll get us to 8-2. Is that cool?"
Ronald Curry scores a touchdown for the Raiders, and then dunks the ball over the crossbar. It's a shame he's not the first one to do that, because it'd be fitting if that was his trademark celebration. The Raiders, as much as I hate to say it, are a much better team today than they were when we cockwhipped them a few weeks ago.
AJ just asked me if a Seahawk was a real bird. He was completely sincere. I really didn't have the heart to make fun of him, and you know, for a 4-year-old, that would be a completely legitimate question. AJ, sadly, is a grown man. I think I'm just going to wait until sometime when we're hanging out near water, and tell him to be careful of the Seahawks.
I haven't been paying much attention to the Giants game, or how Eli is doing. But they haven't broken in with a special report on his untimely death, so I know it's not really going how I want it to go.
At halftime of the Chargers/Raiders game, the Raiders have their junior dance team on the field, consisting of 8-10 year old girls in Raider cheerleader uniforms. It was probably wrong of me to call them sluts.
While we're on the subject, though... we've got an NFL organization dressing up children in skimpy cheerleader outfits, and we're worried about Terrell Owens and a Desperate Housewives intro?
Fox's halftime show has highlights of some douche winning the Nascar title, or whatever it's called. The Nascar season is over, and starts again in early February. That's not much of an off-season, but I guess a huge off-season isn't really necessary when your job consists of sitting on your ass and driving for about four hours on a Sunday.
Randall Godfrey just knocked Jerry Porter out. Maybe the hardest hit I've seen this year. Godfrey just turned his lights out, his body went limp, Ben Leber ended up with the ball and returned it about 40 yards.
A.J. Feeley has been injured like 18 times, but he keeps coming back strong. He was walking off the field, someone patted him on the ass, and he screamed in agonizing pain. That was weird.
We lead only 16-7. The Raiders are playing better, and Kerry Collins has been pretty sharp, but still, we've pissed away countless opportunities. We should be hammering them. We're not. Penalties, mistakes, and seemingly a lack of focus have hurt us today. Win or lose, this has been a step back.
Eli Manning's first career touchdown pass goes to Jeremy Shockey. Eli to Shockey. Excellent. Somewhere, Satan is smiling.
The much-anticipated NBA suspensions are in. Ron Artest, as I expected, is out for the year. I thought David Stern might take the easy way out and just have him killed. You know he wants to. "We were going to suspend Ron Artest for the rest of the year, but unfortunately, he was gunned down today at his home, and if you try to pin it on me, the same thing might happen to you."
There are three or four people in this room rooting hard for the Chargers, all of them gamblers with major money riding on the game. I hate the vibe in here. My pure love for the lightning bolt is being challenged by the dirty love of the dollar.
Drew Brees sees the pocket collapse around him, is jumping around frantically, and somehow lofts a blind pass up complete to Keenan McCardell for a first down. Incredible play, and that will seal it. I'll take it, and I love the fact that we swept the Raiders, but any good team would've beaten us today. The bye week was not good to us.
The fantasy football craze has just gone too far. Fox shows the following stat line for Donovan McNabb: 18/26, 222 yards, 4 touchdowns, 1 interception, 27 fantasy points. Brutal. Listen, I play fantasy football just like everyone else, but when I'm watching a football game, I want to watch the football game. Football is still football, it's still played for wins, losses, and the ultimate goal of the Super Bowl. I fear the day is coming when fantasy football completely takes over, and no one even bothers to report the actual standings anymore.
Eli Manning actually has a chance to beat the 7-2 Falcons in his first start. But the drive stalls on a fourth down, and Eli experiences what will hopefully be the first of his many NFL losses.
The Dolphins are also somehow in the game against the Seahawks, in the battle of frightening aquatic creatures. It's 17-17, just over a minute left, Feeley with a chance for a scoring drive... and he throws a pick that gets taken to the house. This may be the worst day of A.J. Feeley's life. He's got some weird ass injury, he's taken a savage beating, and he loses on a play like that. I may send him a sympathy card.
Have a Great Thanksgiving, everyone.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:23 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 14, 2004
| Week 10 - 2004/2005 |
I usually welcome the Chargers' bye week. It's a week where I can shut myself down emotionally, and try to enjoy a Sunday without so much pain that I have to go home, get drunk, and masturbate for an hour to make myself feel better. But this year's different... I don't want to take the week off. We're winning, and I want to keep this thing rolling. I hope Marty Schottenheimer scheduled a scrimmage this week against the '72 Dolphins or something, just to keep us sharp. And I hope someone ruptures Bob Griese's kidney.
Michael Irvin is to ESPN's Gameday as Charles Barkley is to Inside the NBA on TNT. Unfortunately, no one else on the Gameday set can hold the jock of either Kenny Smith or Ernie Johnson, but Irvin, like Barkley, gives you that feeling of not wanting to change the channel because you might miss him saying something awesome.
My new girlfriend is our waitress this week, and my baby has never looked better. Her hair is different, too. It's like she went the extra mile to make herself look nice for me this week, which is amazing, considering she doesn't even know we're dating. That's how you know someone is special. We have such a great relationship.
ESPN is showing the Parcells mini-meltdown. My favorite part was, "There's no excuse for it, other than we're poorly-coached and we played bad." I love the fact that he took his share of responsibility. A teacher can't call a student a failure without also admitting failure on their own part.
Ooooh. ESPN with the breaking news of the Joey Porter/William Green pre-game fight. Someone else was involved, too, but I couldn't tell who it was. Joey took a swing at someone with a helmet on. I don't know if you know this, but those helmets are built pretty well, and there's not much point to punching one. I like the spirit, though. William Green is shown holding a towel to his mouth... I guess Joey landed a shot or two.
I don't know who started that, but it was pretty stupid on the part of the Browns. I was thinking the Browns had a shot to win, in part because of the letdown factor. Even great teams let down sometimes, and after two huge wins and all the accompanying media attention, the Steelers were primed for an emotional letdown. But Gerard Warren's talking about taking a shot at Ben Roethlisberger's head, and there's a pregame fight... so much for that. The Steelers are pissed. This game's over.
Hey, Crazy Fish Guy's here. He's late, though, and it doesn't look like he'll be sitting anywhere near us. I usually don't like to talk to him until the automatic tint of his glasses adjusts to inside lighting, anyway.
An ESPN feature looks at the weekly tradition of Donald Driver and Javon Walker called "Keep it Real Thursday." I'm not sure exactly what goes on, but it sounds fun. I'm going to go to work on Thursday, tell someone they're an ugly motherfucker and be like, "Hey, sorry. It's Keep It Real Thursday."
This is actually a really good feature. They're talking about Ray Sherman's loss of his son, and how his relationship with Walker and Driver kinda fills that void for him. It's pretty touching. Javon Walker says, "I will be your son, if you'll let me." If I'm the Packers GM, and Walker or Driver has a contract coming up, it would be really difficult to let either of them go.
Sam and his wife (who's name, by the way, is Jeanette) have invited some other couple to join us. This guy is a Browns fan, which is bad enough, but he also likes the Raiders. So not only is he one of these two-favorite-team-having douchebags, but that other team is the Raiders. Why not just save the time, pal, and when you introduce yourself, say, "Hi. Nice to meet you. I have no redeeming qualities as a human being." What a treat it will be to sit with him.
Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception for the Steelers, and Browns DE Kenard Lang does something I've never seen before. This was amazing. When there's an interception, on the return, that's often when defensive players get to take a free cheap shot at the quarterback. Lang goes over to Roethlisberger, stands directly in front of him, and points at his teammates to stay away. After what Gerard Warren said and everything else that happened, going and protecting Ben Roethlisberger is a a pretty manly thing for Kenard Lang to do. That's like the highlight of the year for me.
The Steelers backup running back this week is some guy named Willie Parker, who I'd love to give the nickname, Willie "When You Gonna Let Me Fuuuuuck, Miss" Parker, if it wasn't already taken by Eric Parker of the Chargers.
Capping off a beautiful 90-yard Steeler touchdown drive is a vintage 7-yard Jerome Bettis run. He's just lowering his shoulder and moving people.
Marc Bulger is just carving up the Seahawks secondary. It just looks easy for him. Wasn't Seattle a hot Super Bowl pick a few weeks ago? Aren't they always a hot Super Bowl pick at the beginning of the year?
There are some early ass-whuppins being handed out. Atlanta is leading Tampa Bay 17-0, and the Rams are already up 14-0.
One thing I've noticed that the Steelers receivers do really well is help out Ben Roethlisberger when he's in trouble. When things break down, they're excellent at breaking off their routes, coming back to the ball, and helping to bail him out.
Quincy Carter is currently 7-for-7 with 100-some yards. The Cowboys couldn't use a quarterback like that or anything.
I've always thought Brian Griese (who just threw a touchdown pass to Michael Clayton) looks like the younger version of Dennis Quaid from Any Given Sunday. It's 17-7. Anyone else confused by Brian Griese's re-emergence? In the NFL, you just can not count out a quarterback until they're about the age of Vinny Testaverde. It requires so much quick thinking and decision-making, and it just takes some guys a few years to get it. If I were a GM, I'd never draft a quarterback, but stockpile guys who play out their rookie contracts and don't resign with their original teams. Sign like five of them, and chances are, the light bulb will go on for one of them sooner than later.
Roethlisberger scrambles, and Hines Ward takes the opportunity to go downfield and kill a defensive lineman. Just lit him up.
Dick Enberg: "The bus is still well-lubricated." It's this kind of highly-personal intimate detail that you can only get from Dick Enberg and CBS.
The guy at our table with no redeeming qualities as a human being says, "Jerome Bettis is weak. He's just big. That's it. He's just big." I suppose his quickness, agility and vision have had nothing to do with his hall-of-fame career. By that rationale, Gilbert Brown would be the best running back of all-time.
Craig Krenzel has five completions for 19 yards. The Bears are really opening up the offense under Krenzel.
My girlfriend/waitress... she just touched me. Right on the shoulder, for no reason, with a softness and affection that only a lover can provide. I don't want to get too personal with you, but... that's a sign that she's ready to take things to the next level.
The Saints somehow lead the Chiefs 14-3 at the half. Derrick Blaylock also has 120 yards rushing at this point, and I feel compelled to ask... how good is Priest Holmes? I mean, they plug this Blaylock cat in there, and he's doing the same thing Priest does. Are they both remarkable running backs? Or could Ki-Jana Carter step into the Chiefs offense and put up huge numbers?
Hey, Dave Wannstedt is on CBS. Good to see he found work already. It must be a thrill for him to sit next to Dan Marino, who called him a bad coach earlier this week. Wanny's pretty good in the studio. He might be the best one there, actually. And that includes Shannon Sharpe, who's been pretty disappointing. Of course, I blame CBS and their ultra-structured, vanilla format, too.
Brian Griese finds Ken Dilger for a touchdown, and the Bucs have pulled to within 3 of the Falcons. Dangerous team, the Bucs. I gotta give it up for Jon Gruden and a pretty good coaching job he's done this year.
Between dropped touchdown passes, Seattle manages to keep chipping away at the Rams lead with field goals. It's now 20-12.
Chicago has 14 points, none of them being produced by the offense. RW McQuarters has a punt return, and some big lumbering bastard of a defensive end has an interception return for a TD. RW McQuarters might be the Bears offensive MVP.
It's probably not going to matter, but the Steelers had a 1st and goal at the 1, and couldn't get in. At least the Browns will have something to think about this week other than getting crushed by a division rival, having the starting running back get beat up before the game, and having a defensive lineman talk some shit that he couldn't even attempt to back up. Other than all that, things went really well for them.
Jim Mora Jr. and another Falcons assistant are absolutely berating some other assistant. I have no sound, so I don't know what happened, but this guy's getting a verbal beatdown. It's gotta feel pretty bad to be chewed out by Jim Mora Jr.
Kelly Holcomb is in for Jeff Garcia. Why? He'll throw some good passes against the Steelers backups, who are playing a soft defense, and ignite a quarterback controversy in the process. That's always good for a team. The quarterback position has nothing to do with why the Browns were handled today. Holcomb goes 5-for-7 with a meaningless TD, and congrats, Butch Davis... you get another QB controversy to deal with.
Some lucky Steelers trainer gets to massage the thigh of Jerome Bettis. I hope that guy gets a bonus or something.
The Steelers win today didn't look quite as dominating as the wins over the Eagles or Patriots, but in some ways, it was. Roethlisberger wasn't as sharp. The run game was good, but not as outright dominant as it has been. But the Steelers still won easily. It was a very efficient game for them. I think efficient is probably the best way to describe their offense. They always have a good option. If the other team stacks the box, they can go to play action. If the other team is blitzing, Roethlisberger can get away and improvise. They can always chuck it deep to Plax. They have trick plays with Hines Ward and Antawn Randle-El that they can go to. There's always something they can do.
The Jets/Ravens game has gone to overtime, and we're joining in progress, just in time to see Kordell Stewart punting. He gets off a terrible punt that happens to work really well when the Jets return guy plays it terribly, and it takes a huge bounce down to about the 6. The Ravens defense will probably hold, and the Jets were just beaten in overtime by a Kordell Stewart punt.
The Redskins are on in both rooms. Brutal. As a public serve for the good of all humanity, can't we make an effort to sequester all Redskins fans into one room, so decent human beings can be at peace in another room?
I hear a deep, masculine, Italian voice in my ear. "I want to feel you... deep inside me." That can only mean one thing... Danks is here. I'd go to the trouble of telling you that neither one of us is gay, but you wouldn't believe me anyway.
The Saints are up by 7 with 21 seconds to play... but they have to punt to Dante Hall. That would probably tend to make a special teams coach a little nervous.
Hall can't put a return together, and the Saints are going to win. The Chiefs are 3-6, which is awesome.
And the Ravens win, too. They got good field position, and Matt Stover hit the game-winner. For potential wildcard purposes, this also helps the Chargers. Man, we're winning when we don't even play.
Giants/Cardinals is the featured game at 4:00... so Danks, AJ, and I decide to pretend to be Cardinals fans. The cardinal is the state bird of West Virginia. I bet you didn't know that. Every time the Cardinals make a play, someone's going, "Caw! Caw!"
There's a Jets fan in the house rocking the Tom Tupa jersey. That's awesome. I love it when guys wear jerseys for role players... guys like Tupa, who are important to the team, but don't get much ink. I should get a David Binn, Chargers long snapper, jersey.
The Bengals are already decimating the Redskins. It's 14-0. Mark Brunell is 1-for-8, with 6 yards and an INT. But hey, coach Gibbs, I'm sure it's just a phase... stick wit him, ride this out. Or, if you do replace him, see what Mark Rypien is up to.
Mark Brunell looks like Mark Wahlberg. Josh McCown, according to Danks, looks like the oldest kid from Home Improvement. And while we're talking about what various QBs look like, Kordell Stewart looks like a Nestle Crunch bar.
Shayne Graham of the Bengals adds a field goal, and it's 17-0 Bengals. And here comes Patrick Ramsey into the game, dragging Joe Gibbs kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
Here's a sucky fantasy play: Your receiver is open in the endzone. The ball is thrown to him, he gets interfered with. He doesn't make the catch, but the penalty is called, and the team gets the ball at the 1. Some RB plunges it in and gets the TD. Meanwhile, your receiver, who did all the work to get them down there, gets no TD, no yards, no catch. I hate that.
At halftime, the Bengals lead the Redskins in total yards, 226-59.
Tiki Barber isn't just the Giants best player, Tiki Barber is the Giants. Without him, the Giants would have absolutely no offense. The Giants without the Barber is like Harold Melvin without the Bluenotes, bitch, they'll never go platinum.
Patrick Ramsey is sucking just as bad as Mark Brunell. He's currently 3-of-12. Looks like their problems go a little deeper than QB. What are the odds that Joe Gibbs and Bill Parcells get drunk together somewhere in the next month or two?
This guy sitting at the table next to ours orders a mountain of wings like I've never before seen. Sir Edmund Hillary would struggle to get to the top of this pile of wings. There must be 40 wings in that basket. That is a seriously hungry Bengals fan.
Ramsey throws a completion, and I say, "Hey, look at that, a Redkins completion." And, of course, on the next play, he completes another pass, this one to Bengals CB Walt Harris. Two passes in a row haven't hit the ground. That's progress.
Alright, we're gonna cut this day a little short. As hard as I try, I can't really get into the Giants/Cards or Redskins/Bengals games. I'm gonna bounce. Next week is Chargers/Raiders again. Seeya then.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:20 PM 0 comments
Sunday, November 07, 2004
| Week 09 - 2004/2005 |
The Eagles/Steelers game may be the most-anticipated non-playoff NFL game ever in this bar. The clientele is mostly Steelers fans, with Eagles fans probably being the 2nd-most well-represented. It's safe to say that they don't like each other, but mainly because, well... no one really likes Eagles fans.
I see some parallels between the NFL's battle for Pennsylvania, and November 2nd's battle for Pennsylvania... You've got the upstart, hard-working, youth-infused, more-popular-in-the-late-70s Steelers against the undefeated incumbent media-whore, overpaid, self-aggrandizing, popular-among-losers Eagles. Should be fascinating.
The place is absolutely packed today... I assigned my representative Sammy to get there early and reserve our table, but it was taken, even at 11:30... no good.
Speaking of Sammy, I just wanna send a quick shout-out to the loyal readers at Case Western. LET'S GO... whatever the hell you guys are called. The Fighting Bankers, I'd guess.
Terry Bradshaw is at Heinz Field interviewing Ben Roethlisberger for Fox's pregame show. Terry asks, "Am I a huge burden to you?" You're a huge burden to everyone, asshole. What an egomaniacal question. "Hey, is it hard to be as great as me?" Ben Roethlisberger is one of the few things in Pittsburgh more popular than Journey. He could bang any attractive woman in Pittsburgh that he wanted to... all seven of them.
There is no one likable on Fox's pregame show. When the most likable guy is the ex-Raider, that's not a good sign. They could add Carrot Top and Roseanne, and it couldn't get much worse.
News item on ESPN: Ed Reed working on a new touchdown celebration. Ed Reed is a safety with 1 career touchdown. Thank you, Worldwide Leader.
Fox is showing the retirement press conference of longtime Detroit Lion Robert Porcher. More than any other retirement I've ever seen, Porcher seemed like a guy who really loved playing football and who really loved being a part of the community.
James Brown of Fox has his son sitting on his lap. Much like everyone watching the show, the kid looks absolutely miserable. Terry Bradshaw reaches over and squeezes his cheeks. God knows where that hand has been... the child may vomit.
I might be the only one, but I like the Bengals orange uniforms. Maybe it's not so much that I like them, but they're better than their regular unis. It's probably not good when the orange, tiger-striped uniforms are seen as a nice change of pace.
The Steelers win the toss and take the ball first... and proceed to stuff the pigskin directly and forcefully up the asses of the Eagles defense. Completely domination on the first drive. The Eagles never looked at all like they might be able to stop Jerome Bettis. Hines Ward finishes it off by scoring on a reverse and mocking Terrell Owens in the endzone. This might be a fun day for T.O.-haters.
The Eagles go three-and-out, Pittsburgh gets the ball back, and once again, they have their way with the Eagles. Just utter domination. The Eagles are powerless at the line of scrimmage, Jerome Bettis looks like he's 28, and again, Hines Ward finishes off he drive by mocking Owens in the endzone. This is looking a lot like last week.
Appearing on CBS's stat ticker: "R. KELLY: 1 REC 5 YDS" That's just wrong. The NFL really needs to get stricter with who they let play... Jamal Lewis deserved more than 2 games, and peeing on a teenage girl should warrant at least a 4-game suspension.
Total yards thus far: Steelers 147, Eagles 3. First Downs: Steelers 15, Eagles 0.
It is now 21-0. This is an absolutely savage beating. It couldn't be more one-sided if the Steelers were playing the Kentucky Karma of the National Women's Football Association.
I apologize for not giving many updates of other games. I just can't take my eyes off the train wreck that has become the Philadelphia Eagles. One of the other games I'm seeing is Cincinnati/Dallas, which probably doesn't interest many people outside of the immediate families of Vinny Testaverde and Carson Palmer, and Buffalo/NY Jets, which Buffalo currently leads 7-3.
Another Eagles three-and-out, and here we go... the first adversity that the Eagles have faced all year, and Terrell Owens is following Donovan McNabb around the sidelines bitching at him. McNabb appears to just want to walk away, Owens keeps following him at yapping at him, and McNabb looks pissed. He's completely ignoring him. Owens, perhaps not shockingly, just won't shut up.
Ben Roethlisberger makes his first poor decision of the past two weeks and throws an interception into double coverage on a deep ball.
The Eagles take possession, and the next two plays are passes to Owens. A complete act of pacification. I think Andy Reid and the Eagles are afraid, and perhaps rightfully so, to upset Terrell Owens. He bitched, and he got the ball. They still went three-and-out, and the Eagles coaching staff is clearly letting their play-calling be affected by the delicate ego of Terrell Owens.
While we're on the subject, give credit to Donovan McNabb for not saying anything back to Owens. After the game, they'll both blow it off, say it's something that happens in the heat of battle, but it was clear that Owens was bitching AT McNabb about something. Had McNabb responded, it makes it a bigger distraction, a bigger issue, and much harder to sweep under the rug.
The Steelers are honoring some former greats at halftime or something... Mean Joe Greene is there, and I'm pretty sure he could still start at linebacker. The man looks absolutely terrifying.
Roy Williams, right before the half, makes a huge hit on a kickoff coverage play for the Cowboys. He layed some wood and made a nice play, but why? He's the franchise. Why send him out there to risk injury on a special teams play?
Andy Reid declined to talk to Pam Oliver at halftime, which says more more than anything that could actually be said in a halftime interview with a coach. Why not just do the standard "we need to execute better" interview that says nothing anyway? Now he just looks like a bitch.
Willis McGahee is running very well for the Bills. Every time I look over there, he's finding the right hole and picking up positive yards for the Bills. They look like a much better team with McGahee carrying the load.
No Eagles player has been a factor in this game so far. Terrell Owens has probably been their best player, and he's been a complete non-factor.
Mike Williams, offensive lineman in Buffalo, is hurt very seriously. It's not get-me-a-trainer hurt, it's ambulance on-the-field hurt. Bills and Jets players are huddled in circles praying. Williams gives a thumbs-up from the stretcher as he's being put in the ambulance.
The third quarter ends with the score Steelers 24, Eagles 3. Sign in the crowd: "'72 Dolphins, pop the cork."
And as happy as I am that the Steelers are winning this game, for some reason, I really want those old men to be unhappy. The idea of the '72 Dolphins gathering and drinking champagne once a year when the last undefeated team loses... it just seems sad. Find something else in your lives to be happy about, fellas.
Sam's wife is drunk and rubbing my nipple.
How bad do the Cowboys suck? They're not the worst team in the league or anything, but shouldn't they be better than this? They're getting romped by the Bengals. A Vinny interception seals it.
Early in the 4th quarter, Troy Aikman is calling for the Eagles to pull McNabb. He says there's no sense in risking injury in a game the Eagles can't win, but you know... that didn't stop them from playing him in the last three NFC championship games.
Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress, and Antwan Randle-El take a second out of their busy days to stop and pose for the sky cam. That's the kind of day it's been. This game has been over since about 1:30.
Final rushing yards: Steelers, 250. Eagles, 21. Credit goes to the Eagles for quadrupling the rushing output that the Patriots had against the Steelers last week.
An Eagles fan walks out of the back room, right past our table, and he's smiling, trying to be friendly, take his abuse, and get out. My man Nate won't have it. He looks at the guy and goes, "Get the fuck out of here."
With the Bengals/Cowboys game over, coverage switches to the end of the Arizona/Miami game. In what's becoming a weekly highlight, Danks and AJ celebrate the appearance of Cardinals punter Scott Player by singing "Plaaaaaaya..." when he takes the field.
The color guy in the Cardinals game is talking, and I could have sworn he said, "...and the Cardinals, fuck that." Chris and I immediately exchange "did you hear that?" looks. I can't come up with anything else he might've said that would've sounded like that. That was weird, but we are apparently the only two who heard it.
It's 4:00, and the Chargers game is only on in the back. The Patriots are on in front, so Danks and I will be separated. It's very sad. Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain.
The Chargers don't look entirely sharp on their first drive, but fortunately, the Saints are terrible. We pull off a fake punt, and the Saints give us a few key penalties, and before long, Antonio Gates is hauling in a Drew Brees pass for a touchdown.
Gates is called for a 15-yard penalty for spiking the ball in the guy's face, but... I can live with it. Eh, who am I kidding, I am ecstatic about it... spike it in his face, spike it in his mother's face, I don't care. Just keep the touchdowns coming.
Aaron Brooks' first two passes bounce off the hands of San Diego Chargers. His next one is even better. Under heavy pressure on 3rd and 10, Brooks turns around, facing his own endzone, and throws the ball to Saints offensive lineman Wayne Gandy. The pass is thrown directly backwards, meaning it's a live ball, thrown to an offensive lineman, who can't catch it anyway. That's the dumbest play I've seen since Plaxico Burress spiked a live ball a couple years ago.
And the Bucs pull out a win against the Chiefs, providing some help to the Chargers. We're a couple of games ahead of them in the standings, but they've been on fire. Thank you, Bucs.
Assante Samuel, Patriots corner, gets injured... and the Patriots are now playing Troy Brown at corner. And he's not bad... he'd probably start for the Colts.
There's a Saints fan back here, at a table with 3 or 4 of his boys, and they're all ganging up on him. One guy says to him, "Hey, it's one thing to be a fan, but it's another thing to lie to yourself." It's a fine line... and one I'm very familiar with.
Tom Brady drops back and hits Mike Vrabel on a fade pattern in the corner of the endzone. Yes, you read that correctly. It was an amazing catch, too... Vrabel at wideout, Troy Brown at corner... interesting. Let's see if Larry Izzo can play quarterback.
The Chargers are just rolling, despite not being all that sharp. The Saints have been terrible. There are plays when Aaron Brooks looks like he can be an MVP candidate, and there are plays when he does some of the dumbest things imaginable.
By the way, it's nice to be complaining about the Chargers not being sharp, as opposed to just outright being terrible. It's a wonderful change of pace.
I love when they show the clips of Antonio Gates playing basketball at Kent State. Quality player. I believe he could be starting on at least a dozen NBA teams right now.
With the score 20-7 at the half, my friend Pat walks into the place. I haven't seen the guy in almost a year. The first thing he does is sit down and take off his shoe and sock, showing us some frostbite he got while climbing some damn mountain in a brutal snowstorm. This is absolutely bizarre.
At halftime of the Patriots game, Danks comes back to say hello. Well, he actually didn't say hello, he said, "Lick my taint." The Smorgasbord just isn't the same when Danks isn't in the same room. Danks, you complete me.
Saints lineman Wayne Gandy holds in the endzone, and the Chargers pick up a safety. It's been a very long time since I've felt bad for a Chargers opponent. In fact, it may never have happened before. More often than not, I've spent the afternoon feeling sorry for myself.
Kassim Osgood gets in on the action, catching a screen, pushing various bitch-ass Saints out of his way, and strolling into the endzone.
The Bolts will be 6-3 and tied for the division lead heading into the bye week. It is fun to be good.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:17 PM 0 comments
