Sunday, December 26, 2004
| Week 16 - 2004/2005 |
Welcome back to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord here on themightymjd.com. I hope you all had a great Christmas... unless you're a Raider fan, in which case, I hope Santa Claus raped your wife.
Before we start, just a quick note from a game earlier in the week... the Minnesota Vikings are bitches. If your team is playing the Vikings, and you're down by 17 or fewer points when the fourth quarter starts, you've got it locked up. Provided, of course, that you can make an extra point.
Not a big crowd at the sports bar today, which is to be expected with the holidays and all. But the kind of people that are here are people who I've never seen before, which means 1) they probably aren't big football fans, just random stragglers, and 2) they're not gonna recognize. There's already a group of motherfuckers at my table... the stage is set for some annoyance.
I am, unfortunately, not joined by Danks or AJ this week... so a quick shout-out to both of them. But I am joined by my brother, who, courtesy of his wife, is going to Steelers Fantasy Camp sometime in 2005. He who also just bought me a bad-ass mp3 player for Christmas, for which I am extremely grateful, in fact, I'm listening to as I write this. His wife is also here, sporting a fresh Chargers powder-blue t-shirt, which I got her for Christmas yesterday.
On ESPN's Sunday Countdown, Tom Jackson's doing his usual shirt/jacket/tie all the same color routine, but this week... it's red. He looks like he's about to bust through a brick wall on a skateboard and offer everyone Kool Aid. Man, Deion Sanders wouldn't wear that suit.
CBS has a little package on Drew Brees visiting wounded soldiers, which I think proves that Drew Brees is a superior human being in every way. I don't see Peyton Manning visiting any soldiers. Of course, if Peyton wants to visit someone in a really bad situation, risking life and limb every week for no good reason, he can always swing by Eli's house.
Charger linebacker Steve Foley is on ESPN, watching game film with someone... Suzy Kolber, I think. He's wearing knee-high white tube socks, which I think is a terrific way to distract everyone from his... well... less-than-handsome face. I think Steve Foley and Edgerrin James go to strip clubs together with hundred dollar bills falling out of their pockets, and they still can't get any attention.
Tom Jackson says some people are calling Chargers DT Jamal Williams "the dominant defensive player in football." Nice and all, but I'm a little uncomfortable with all the attention we're getting this morning.
And here's Michael Irvin to relieve the situation, saying that we have no chance against the Colts. Dick.
By the way... that sucks about Reggie White, doesn't it? Much love to the White family. Terrible thing.
I don't know how I know this, but I'm pretty sure that Drew Brees is going to throw a high interception today. Call it woman's intuition.
Man, I really don't want Peyton to get the record today. I don't want it to be the Chargers in that highlight, which, between now and when I die, I'll probably see about 282,726 times.
By the way, the fact that the Eagles have nine Pro Bowlers is about two things: 1) There are about 13 good football players in the NFC, and 2) The Eagles are always on national TV and all over the media in general. And the votes of coaches and players are influenced by that just as much as the votes of fans.
Games I'm seeing right now are Chargers/Colts, Steelers/Ravens, and Jags/Texans.
Plaxico Burress has made his return to the lineup today, which will make a huge difference for the Steelers. He hauls in about a 40-yard TV, from Ben Roethlisberger, who I'm not calling Big Ben, because that belongs to Ben Wallace... or one of the other 812 Bens in sports history who have probably been called "Big Ben."
Speaking of Ben... there's a weird-ass sign in Heinz Field. It calls Ben a "Godsend" and has some weirdly homoerotic picture of him laying there and extending a hand to the people of Pittsburgh. That's... well, that's not cool. I understand you like him, Pittsburgh, but I hope we can draw the line short of forming religious cults around him.
The Colts do this thing where at random times, they'll get to the line of scrimmage immediately after the next play and snap the ball, hoping to catch the defense either offsides or out of position. I don't know if they do this all the time, or just this week against us, but... that's kinda gay. I mean, if you want to beat us, try to actually just line up and beat us. There's always that route. Peyton Manning's the kind of guy who finds the one play in a video game that works every time, and just does it over and over until the other guy punches him in the face.
Peyton's in the redzone... and he throws a strike complete to Donnie Edwards. Cut THIS meat, skirt.
By the way... Donnie Edwards, by some criminal action, is not in the Pro Bowl. To say that I'm biased is a bit of an understatement, but I'd like to think that even if I was being 100% objective, I'd say Donnie Edwards should be a starting Pro Bowler. The same people that George W. in the White House in 2000 are probably also behind Ray Lewis being a Pro Bowler in 2004.
And on the ensuing possession, LaDainian catches a pass thrown behind him with his left hand, and... HOUSE. Man, that was quick. If Tomlinson played on this bitch-ass turf every week, record books would be in trouble. Really, it makes a huge difference. The Colts might as well just play on roller skates.
The Chargers defense gets another redzone stop... but Mike Vanderjagt, who also bothers me in a lot of ways, converts. 7-3 good guys. I haven't realized until right now just how many different things bother me about the Colts.
DON CHEADLE PLAYOFF COMMERCIAL. Yeah, that's smooth, right there. I love Don Cheadle. I wish for Christmas that someone had made me a DVD of the Nextel commercial with the dudes dancing, and a few Don Cheadle playoffs commercials, and just put them all on a continuous loop.
Tim Dwight is probably the worst kickoff return guy in the NFL that doesn't have a fumbling problem. Just thought I'd mention it.
Peyton looks a little frazzled in the first half. He's missing a lot of throws, and every time he gets some pressure on him, he's yelling at his offensive linemen. Funny, but I didn't see Tarik Glenn or Ryan Diem jump his shit when he hit Donnie Edwards in the numbers back there inside the 5-yard-line. What a cock.
The Jags are down 14-0 against the Texans. I'm not really watching that game, but... man, if the Jags can't beat the Texans at home in Week 16, they don't deserve a playoff spot. Well, they deserve one more than Seattle or Minnesota, but still... the Jags aren't handling their B.I. Which is surprising. I wouldn't have guessed this would happen.
Do you think Peyton Manning ever calls Eli and thanks him for making it so that Peyton is no longer the goofiest redneck in the league?
And Ray Lewis goes for a ride on Jerome Bettis. He went to wrap him up for the tackle, but Jerome just decided to carry him about six yards on his back. Jerome carried him just like his reputation is carrying him to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl.
Drew Brees drops back, has a man in the endzone... and WHEN YOU GOIN' LET ME FUUUUUCK, MISS PARKER? It's Eric Parker for 6. 17-3 Chargers.
CBS shows a shot of Brian Billick on the sidelines, and my brother goes, "I'd like to fist his mother." And he's not kidding, he actually would.
Antawn Randle-El makes ridiculous catch. You might not see it on Primetime, but it was remarkable nonetheless. He just stuck his hand out, completely extended from his body, and caught the ball. He didn't haul it in to his body, he didn't use another hand, he just speared the thing. Amazing. Either he's got about a half pound of crazy glue on his gloves, or they've switched to a Nerf ball for this game.
Hines Ward hauls in a catch for about 10 yards, and Ray Lewis makes the stop. Ray, of course, gets up and starts talking. Hines Ward is openly laughing at him. This is enjoyable.
And on the next play, Jerome Bettis sheds Ray again. Man, the Steelers are moosing (that's a verb, meaning "to moose") the Ravens around on this drive. If my man AJ was here, he'd be yelling about how he can see Ray's pussy. Either that, or about how he needs to "change his vagina pad."
The Steelers cap off that drive at 8 minutes and 34 seconds, 14 plays, 12 of which were runs straight up the Ravens asshole.
Terrell Suggs, on the last play of that drive, watched Ben Roethlisberger throw a touchdown pass, took another second, and then hit him. That's what players do when they're beaten in every other possible way, feel embarrassed and scared, and have nothing else to do.
This Colts "fan" rolls in at halftime, and sits at the table in front of us, which has been slightly annoying anyway. And immediately, the rest of them start cheering for the Colts, too. This one girl in particular is standing up and screaming for Peyton Manning... she has frosted, frizzy, crimped hair, and apparently believes that it's 1987. She's got enough makeup on so that if I blew it on her face, I think it would just slide right off.
By the way, that's probably the filthiest thing that's ever been in the Smorgasbord, and I'm ashamed that I thought of it. I am.
The Colts get the ball, and on three straight plays, Peyton Manning is running for his life. 3 and out, and more verbal abuse for the offensive line.
On the ensuing possession, Antonio Gates catches a shovel pass for a touchdown, and sets the all-time record for touchdowns by a tight-end in a season. Pretty amazing for a guy who only two teams in the entire NFL thought was worth a look as an undrafted free agent.
Ben Roethlisberger comes out for the next possession, looking hobbled. I can't tell what it is, but he's in pain, and he's not moving well.
By the way, the Sunday night game... Browns/Dolphins. Ouch. My brother suggests that they both be required to wear their all-orange uniforms, just to kinda spice things up. There's no other possible way that that game's going to be interesting. Nick Saban, I should also mention, I don't think is going to do all that well. He might be a great coach, but... I don't know why a college guy comes in and thinks he should have control over all personnel decisions. I don't see that working well.
Looks like Roethlisberger is heading to the sidelines. Some Steeler fans in the area seem nervous about having to deal with Tommy Maddox, but... as long as he can hand the ball off effectively, it doesn't look like there's much the Ravens will be able to do about it.
And Peyton gets his record-tying 48th TD on a shovel pass. Kind of a weak way to get it. 1) They copied what the Chargers just did a few minutes ago, and 2) I dunno, but if it was me going for that record, I might actually feel like earning it. But maybe that's just me.
CBS's poll of the day: Can the Eagles make it to the Super Bowl without Terrell Owens? Well, since they weren't going to make it to the Super Bowl with Terrell Owens, I tend to doubt it. How long before Eagles fans start making up a curse?
LaDainian Tomlinson houses another one... and it's 31-16 good guys. I feel good about how we've played, but I do have this nagging feeling... I just have a feeling that goofy redneck fuck is going to get hot sooner or later.
But maybe he won't have to... Dominic Rhodes takes the ensuing kickoff to the house. Yikes.
And the Steelers wrap it up against the Ravens, and they will have homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. The Steelers aren't a perfect team, but we'll see what happens with Ben Roethlisberger's injury, but... I don't know who's going into Pittsburgh, and dealing successfully with that offensive line, running game, and attacking defense.
Colts, down 8, are driving again... the drive stalls, and on comes Mike Vanderjagt, who doinks one off the post. Now let's finish this bitch off.
And we can't... we punt (when I think we might've been in field goal range, by the way, especially in that pussy-ass dome) and Peyton takes over at his own 20 with 3:42 to play.
And they tie it up. You saw the highlight. Fuck. Goofy redneck got the record, too.
The Chargers have under a minute, with one more chance to get into field goal range... and there's the high interception by Drew Brees. We're going to overtime.
Randy Cross is giving Peyton Manning credit for "keeping the focus on the team instead of the record." Well, what did you expect him to do... throw the pass, and personally organize a fireworks display in his own honor? Stop and grab the microphone, and deliver his hall-of-fame induction speech? I don't get it. He kept playing football. I guess that's an accomplishment. What a great man.
So, we kicked off, we melted down Vikings-style, they drove, and they scored. But fuck it. Here's why I'm not too upset about this loss...
1) As long as the Patriots win, which they will, it's really not going to change what we'll have to do in the playoffs,
2) A loss at this point will underscore for the players that we still have a lot of work to do, and we need to keep getting better, and
3) I know we're a better football team than they are, and I know that as soon as the playoffs roll around, and the Colts play a tough team on the road, there's no chance that the Colts are winning that game.
And I can't stay for the late games this week... there are still family Christmas weekend things to be done. So take it easy, I'll get back at ya next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:27 PM 0 comments
Sunday, December 12, 2004
| Week 14 - 2004/2005 |
There's a dude here wearing a Bill Parcells jersey. I kid you not. This guy has gone somewhere and ordered a Cowboys jersey with the #1 and "PARCELLS" on the back. I guess I have to applaud the team loyalty, but 1) You know Parcells isn't staying there more than a couple years and 2) That's kinda weird. Parcells didn't play for the Cowboys, and if he did, I'm guessing he didn't wear #1. If you want to support Bill Parcells with a fashion statement, make a t-shirt that says, "Terry Glenn and Antonio Bryant are women." A Parcells jersey... That's like one step away from a Jerry Jones jersey. I'm not saying it makes this guy a bad person, but... some therapy for Christmas might not be the worst idea.
For some reason, here are the games in the front room: Texans/Colts, Giants/Ravens, and Browns/Bills. Texans/Colts is fine... there'll be some interest for that one. But Giants/Ravens and Browns/Bills, not only is there very little interest in them, but I know right now how those games are going to go. The Giants will be able to do nothing offensively, but the game will stay close for a while, because the Ravens offense sucks, too. Eventually the Ravens will pull away. Browns/Bills will be ugly as hell with the Bills winning comfortably.
I'd rather watch Seahawks/Vikings, i.e., The Big Pink Vagina Bowl, sponsored by Tampax. What does the NFL do in the case where both teams refuse to win a game? I hope it goes into OT, and Matt Hasselback decides to be honest this time. "We don't really want the ball... I don't think we can win." And Daunte Culpepper replies, "Y'know, I don't think we can win, either. You wanna just go get a sandwich or something?"
Danks and I will be separated for the 1 o'clock games, as the Patriots are on in another room. You know what else is in another room? Crazy Fish Guy. Danks gets to hang with Crazy Fish Guy, and I'm stuck out here watching the Eli Manning/Kyle Boller showdown.
I think Crazy Fish Guy got a haircut, too. He's lookin' fresh and clean out this bitch today.
On an ESPN Gameday feature, Chris Berman and Ben Roethlisberger are eating a "Roethlisburger" sandwich... and sitting really close together. Their faces are like 3 inches apart as they each take a bite of the massive slab of meat. And the Emmy for most homoerotic feature on an NFL pregame show goes to...
Man, it is ugly in Buffalo. About 25 degrees, strong wide, wet snow blowing sideways. Is it worth it, Terry Robiskie? Just go home, man... Luke McCown is your starting quarterback, you can't win the game, and you aren't getting that job. It's not worth it, man. Just go home.
When the offseason rolls around, I hope either the Patriots sign DeMarcus Faggins and start him next to Randall Gay, or the Falcons sign Randall Gay and start him next to DeMarcus Faggins. And no, my sense of humor has not become any more sophisticated since about the 6th grade.
Texans/Colts is the one game out here that I don't mind watching, to see, of course, if Peyton gets the record. It's a fairly historic thing... It's certainly worth seeing. My man AJ agrees, saying, "I wanna be able to tell my kids someday... well, I wanna be able to tell someone's kids..."
In addition, I'm a complete fantasy football whore today. I've been eliminated from the playoffs, but I've still got a shot at being the league's top scorer, and I want it... just so I can tell whoever does end up winning the league title that they are a paper champion. I'm starting a WR trio of Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Brandon Stokely. Light it up, Peyton.
There's a turnover or near turnover about every 30 seconds between the Giants/Ravens and Browns/Bills game. That's not much of an exaggeration. This is some brutal football. It's not exactly a shock, considering I'm watching Eli Manning, Luke McCown, Kyle Boller, and Drew Bledsoe. And really, that's not such a bad lineup, considering that there are two McCowns starting in the NFL today, in addition to Chris Chandler, who I believe helped to invent the forward pass. It's a shame he's yet to master it.
Ray Lewis happens to get a turnover of some kind, which is not much of an accomplishment in this game. And of course, he breaks out that lame-ass dance. I just can't believe an adult human being does this. There are manlier dance movies in the disco scene in Starsky and Hutch.
Each pass the Giants throw is a long one. You may argue that that's asking too much of rookie quarterback Eli Manning, but... I'd argue that it's a pretty solid strategy, considering that there's about a 65% chance that each pass he throws is going to get intercepted... might as well have it intercepted 40 yards downfield.
The Bengals tie the Patriots 7-7. According to my correspondent Spiros, who's watching the game in the back with Danks, the Patriots can't stop the run, and the Bengals have a good shot to win this game.
The Minnesota/Seattle game, sponsored by Gyne-Lotrimin, has gone from 10-0 Minnesota to 14-10 Seattle to 20-14 Minnesota. I applaud both teams for actually going to the trouble of scoring touchdowns and pretending they have any interest in getting a victory.
David Carr fumbles, and appears to fall on the ball. Raheem Brock of the Colts, however, goes about 6'4", 300, and has other ideas. He falls on Carr, and he either takes the ball from him, or threatens to rape and murder each member of Carr's family, and Carr gives him the ball. Probably a wise move.
With under 5:00 to play in the first half, the Browns have 1 total yard. I told you, Terry Robiskie, it's not worth it. There's no shame in quitting. It's warm inside, man... quit. Let someone see what they can get out of the Luke McCown scoring machine.
And speaking of great quarterbacks, Eli Manning at the half is 3/11 for 21 yards, 0 TDs, and 1 INT. And he really hasn't played as well as his stats would indicate.
Woops, I spoke prematurely. Eli finds a few seconds right before halftime to throw complete another pass to a Raven. Very accurate, hit him right in the numbers... and the Ravens, not that they need it, turned it into a field goal. Correction: 3/12, 21 yards, 0 TDs, and 2 INTs. And it's 27-7 Ravens.
The Browns have doubled their yardage output. They have 2 total yards now.
Domanick Davis is a workhorse for the Texans, and is keeping them in the game. And while I'm on the subject, the Texans are putting together a nice blueprint for how to beat the Colts. Step 1, run the ball. The Colts can't stop it, and it keeps Peyton off the field. Step 2, don't blitz, drop 7 or 8, and put another cornerback on the slot receiver. Dunta Robinson is playing that role today against Brandon Stokely. Nice job, Dom Capers, though you're killing my fantasy team.
And here's something to think about: The Patriots, Steelers, and Chargers are the teams that the Colts have to get through in the playoffs, and none of those three teams have a 3rd corner that I'd trust to cover any wide receiver with experience beyond the high school level.
Todd Heap makes a sweet touchdown catch. If Randy Moss was a big white tight end, this is what his catches would look like. Terribly thrown ball by Kyle Boller, but Heap reaches down over the defender in front of him and hauls it in. Very nice.
Up 37-7 now, Brian Billick is completely reaming someone on the sidelines.
Danks and Spiros relay this Crazy Fish Guy story to me today: A couple of young punks roll in during the 2nd half, and are looking for a place to sit. He, of course, doesn't mind at all. One of the punks asks him if he's a Cowboys fan, and he looks at his gambling sheet and says, "I am today!"
And by the way, asking Crazy Fish Guy if he's a Cowboys fan is like asking Malcolm X if he's a Pat Robertson fan. Learn your history, young bucks... that man is a legend. Crazy Fish Guy, I mean.
When the Chargers and Steelers play at the same time, as they do today, I really don't have any time to watch other games or take many notes. I also don't have any time to wait for this big white fuck in the Bills game to be injured. The Bolts are on in about 5 minutes, and the TV guy isn't going to put them on until this game is over, so no one has time for you to be faking an injury. Get up, pussy.
I haven't seen a lot of Tampa Bay this year... I forgot how much I hate Jon Gruden. No coach in the history of the NFL has been more conscious of the TV cameras. You can just see him thinking, "This is a good time for the cameras to be on me... watch me look MEAN! GRRRRR!"
I'm really not watching much of the Steelers/Jets game, but... it appears as if Ben Roethsliberger is struggling. I can hear the commentary, though, and Phil Simms apparently believes that the Jets are the greatest team of all time and that the Steelers are lucky to be hanging with them.
There are some Bucs fans here that appear to be legitimate Bucs fans. One of them says he has season tickets. They don't seem like bad guys, although if I had the chance, I'd still dunk my wang in their pitcher of beer.
The first scoring in the Chargers game doesn't come until the 2nd quarter, when Drew Brees hits Eric Parker with a deep ball. Nice work by Drew and EP, but thank you, LaDanian Tomlinson, for forcing the Bucs to respect play action.
Drew Brees throws his 2nd interception of the day... not good.
A bunch of guys sitting a few tables a way are apparently having trouble getting service. They unfold a napkin, and make a big sign that says, "WHO'S OUR SERVER?"
Phil Simms: "The Steelers are in the lead, and will probably win this game, despite the fact that the Jets are the most unstoppable force in the history of modern football."
Kassim Osgood... TOUCHDOWN! He plays for the Chargers, by the way.
There's a guy sitting behind us, pretending to be a Jets fan, just to antagonize all the Steelers fans in the bar. He clearly doesn't care much about the game, and is screaming unintelligible things about the Jets. Some middle-aged woman in front turns around and yells something at him that ends with "MOTHERFUCKER!"
Fucking Joey Galloway is lighting us up today. Even the Bucs fans call him "china doll."
Phil Simms: "If I was a girl, I'd sure like to be Jonathan Vilma's girlfriend."
LaDanian Tomlinson accounts for about all the yards during this current Chargers drive... and the Bolts are back on top.
Wow... Chris Chandler currently has six interceptions. How does an NFL team not have a backup better than Chris Chandler. The man is nearly 70 years old, and truth be told... he hasn't that good when he was 25.
Donnie Edwards... INTERCEPTION. TO THE HOUSE. Awww yeah... Man, Donnie Edwards makes plays. In fact, these past three weeks, the Chargers defense has bent, but in the fourth quarter when we needed to make something happen, someone has been there to make a play.
Phil Simms: "J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!"
And a failed onside kick attempt by the Bucs will end the game, and will also end the Smorgasbord for this week. Take it easy...
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 5:25 PM 0 comments
