Sunday, January 02, 2005
| Week 17 - 2004/2005 |
Week 17, man... and all that's left to be determined for the Chargers is the difference between 11-5 or 12-4. How unlikely is that? I don't know what to compare it to. Not to go all Bill Walton on you, but has there ever been a more unlikely season, in the history of organized sports?
Happy New Year, by the way. If you made any resolutions, I hope you can forgive yourself when you break them, sometime in the middle of next week.
Sadly, we're going to have to do Week 17 without my man Danks, at least for the first half of the day. But to make it up to you, I'll throw in some bonus NCAA basketball coverage, in which you probably have no interest, later in the day. You're welcome.
ESPN has a feature on the Panthers, and how they've kept plugging away after going 1-7. It is impressive. Whether they make the playoffs today or not (and I don't see how they wouldn't beat New Orleans), John Fox is a man. Not only for keeping his team focused and believing, but for having his reserves prepared to step in and do what's necessary. A remarkable job. If Marty Schottenheimer didn't exist, I think John Fox would have to be coach of the year.
The TV guy starts the day with the highly-anticipated Philly/Cincy match-up on a big screen TV, and New Orleans/Carolina on a small one.
The ESPN crew is discussing who the Pats would have to be most worried about in the playoffs, considering their depleted secondary. If anyone says the Colts, I'm gonna fucking -- yep, someone said the Colts. What the fuck... is anyone paying attention? I think if the Patriots have proved anything, it's that they need not worry about the Colts. The Colts are as likely to win in New England as the Vikings are to win in the 4th quarter. They Pats start Tony Eason at corner, Manny Ramirez at free safety, and they'd find a way to beat the Colts in the playoffs.
The games I'm seeing are Steelers/Bills, Jets/Rams, and, for some reason, Ravens/Dolphins. On the first play from scrimmage, Jim Bates has decided to unleash Sage Rosenfels... and he hits Chris Chambers deep for a 76-yard TD. Way to come out fighting for your playoff lives, Ravens.
By the way, Ray Lewis doesn't have time to talk to the media after getting bitchslapped by the Steelers last week, and he doesn't have time to play this week, but he can fit Kenny Mayne and the Mayne Event into his schedule.
The Redskins have gone up 7-0 early on the Vikings. Factor in the almost certain 17-point 4th quarter Vikings swoon, and the Redskins lead 24-0.
Teams that are watching the Steelers/Bills game looking for a scouting report on how to beat the Steelers in the playoffs, here it is: Hurt Ben Roethlisberger, because Tommy Maddox is still Tommy Maddox.
St. Louis's goal line is crooked. There's no joke here, the fucking line is crooked. Fox zooms in on it, and it's as straight as Liberace. It's turf... how did they screw that up? If someone was out there pushing chalk around, and did some pre-game drinking, I could see it. But it's not like they're repainting the field there every week. Invest in a ruler, Rams.
Speaking of the Rams, incidentally... I hope Kyle Turley really does kill Mike Martz. I know it would suck for the Martz family, but how awesome of a story would that be?
I'm KIDDING! For the most part.
At the end of a play in the Steelers/Bills game, just as they're about to go to a replay, Kevin Harlan screams, "AND THERE'S A FIGHT ON THE FIELD!" They come back from the replay, and all the players are calmly walking off the field, and there are no flags down. I'm not sure what the word "fight" means to Kevin Harlan, but apparently, no physical contact is necessary. Excitable fella, that Kevin Harlan.
CBS is showing a replay of the early-season Tommy Maddox injury, or, as most Steeler fans refer to it, "the greatest moment in Steelers history." Personally, I don't think a starter should ever lose his job to an injury, and that the Steelers should go into the playoffs with Tommy Maddox as the starter.
The Saints, somehow, are up 14-3. I did not see that coming.
Baltimore now leads Miami, 20-7. Perhaps Sage Rosenfels is not the juggernaut we all expected him to be. It looks like the Ravens will cruise to victory, and then have to sit back and hope other teams lose. For what it's worth (which is nothing), if the Ravens were in the NFC, I'd pick them to win it.
Hey, who is this douchebag doing the NFL Playoffs commercials that isn't Don Cheadle? Where's my Don Cheadle? This is an outrage. Why would the NFL ever think it was a good idea to not use Don Cheadle in these commercials. I don't know who this clown is, but he looks like be belongs in commercials for Grecian formula.
This means something: The Steelers backups are beating the red-hot Bills, with everything to play for, quite soundly. The Eagles backups are getting worked over by the Bengals, who have nothing to play for.
Wes Welker returns a kickoff to the house for the Dolphins. Here's my one complaint about the Chargers season, even though I feel like a cock for even having one small complaint: We let Wes Welker go after the preseason. As a kick returner, he is worlds better than Tim Dwight at this point.
Time for a little bonus basketball coverage. The 11th-ranked NC State Wolfpack are hosting the undefeated West Virginia Mountaineers. Julius Hodge is out with an ankle injury, but the good news is that he can afford massive diamond earrings.
The Vikings have apparently decided to pretend for a while that they have male genitalia. They've closed the gap, and it's now 14-10 Redskins.
Mushin Muhammad, probably the game's best receiver right now, makes a ridiculous catch in the endzone to give the Panthers some life. Unfortunately, Joe Horn and the Saints answer right back, and the lead stays at 11.
Brian St. Pierre is in for the Steelers. Just thought I'd mention it. He's been less than impressive, and some idiot redneck behind me is calling for the Steelers to put Ben Roethlisberger in. Go with whatever feels good, man.
Herb Sendek, coach at NC State, does not look like a basketball coach. His name, in fact, does not suggest basketball coach. But despite looking like an intellectual plumber, his team is up early on WVU.
The Redskins drive again, with Ladell Betts going in from one yard out. 21-10, Skins.
WVU goes on an absolute tear, including about a 28-foot 3-point from Johannes Herber (what's up to all my readers in Darmstadt and Stuttgart) and leads NC State by 7 at the half.
It occurs to me that the Top 4 in the AFC this year are probably the best Top 4 ever. I'm not a football historian, but I can't think of any group of 4 in one conference that comes close. Anyone?
Willie Parker, the Steelers 4th running back, is over 100 yards today. That's gotta sting if you're a Bills fan. Umberto Villanueva, Steelers head athletic trainer, has 41 yards on the ground.
It's official. Vikings lose, 21-18. Just beat the Redskins in Week, and you're in for sure... that's all you have to do. How many teams would've killed for a scenario like that... I'd have bet against the Vikings today, if they were playing the 49ers. I'd have bet against them if they were playing Penn State. I'm going to visit Minnesota in the off-season, break into the Metrodome, and spray paint over the "IKING" in the endzone, and replace it with "AGINA."
Marc Bulger throws a clutch 4th-quarter TD for the Rams, and still, his expression does not change. It hasn't changed since 1994.
The NC State Wolfpack are 48-4 against non-conference teams at home under Herb Sendek. They trail by 12 with 90 seconds to play.
St. Louis gets a Jeff Wilkins field goal to win in overtime, and somehow, this means that both the Rams and Jets get in the playoffs. I'm really bad at knowing these playoff scenarios. But congratulations to both teams. I'd like to say that the Rams, at 8-8, have no chance in the playoffs, but who knows in the NFC.
WVU closes it out. They've beaten two ranked teams in the past week, and remain undefeated.
The Saints have also polished off the Panthers, but apparently, it does them no good. The Rams victory somehow fucked them. And I'd like to say that I'm glad the Saints didn't make it in, because they don't deserve it, but... they deserve it more than the Vikings. I guess the Saints deserve credit for somehow doing something that get them into a playoff race, despite the fact that they suck. Their quarterback throws backwards to offensive linemen, special teamer Mel Mitchell nearly headbutts the head coach on the sidelines during a key game, and somehow, they're in a playoff race. Congratulations, I guess.
And we join the Chargers in progress, just in time to catch Doug Flutie ripping off a 20-yard run. I don't think it's a stretch to say that Doug Flutie is among the fastest 42-year-old men on the planet.
I guess the only things left to be determined are 1) who, out of Denver, Jacksonville, and Baltimore, gets in, and 2) where the Seattle/St. Louis game will be played. The Vikings/Packers match-up is set, and I'm currently looking into selling an organ on EBay so that I can bet all that money on the Packers. The Chargers will play at home against the Jets, who beat us earlier in the year. I'm already nervous thinking about it. We have a home playoff game. This is unbelievable.
Doug Flutie, meanwhile, is on fire. He's snuck one in for a TD, and hit standouts Malcolm Floyd and Kassim Osgood with deep balls. Dougie then hits someone named Ryan Krause in the endzone for a Chargers TD. Dougie's got 199 yards through the air in the first half.
With :04 to play in the half, Larry Johnson breaks a screen pass down to about the 1/2-inch line. Time expires. Sorry, Larry.
The commercials for this movie "Open Water" tout it as the "best shark movie since Jaws." Well that's quite an accomplishment. There have been so many great shark movies recently. That's like "The Rundown" saying it's the best movie with Stiffler since the 3rd American Pie movie.
Phillip Rivers is warming up... sweet.
Denver has pulled ahead of the Colts, and it looks like they'll be in the playoffs. So much for drama. Out of Jacksonville, Baltimore, and Denver, I'd say that Denver scares me the least.
Phil Simms and Jim Nantz are unlikable in just about every possible way. Nantz is terrible at his job. Phil Simms says some extremely weird and goofy things. There's just nothing good about this broadcasting duo. They aren't insightful. They aren't entertaining. They aren't concise. They do not let the game speak for itself. They damn sure aren't funny. They're just both recognizable... that's the only reason I can think of for them to be employed.
Phillip Rivers throws about 19 consecutive screen passes. Marty, for some reason, is hesitant to unleash his obvious talent.
Tony Gonzalez breaks the all-time record for receptions in a season by a tight end. Not bad for the 2nd best tight end in the AFC West.
Alright, maybe that's unfair. I respect Tony Gonzalez. He's an excellent player, he's been doing it for a very long time, and he's a class guy. But still, he's the 2nd-best tight end in the AFC West.
Phil Rivers on a third down lasers about a 15-yard pass across the middle for a first down. FUCK Ben Roethlisberger.
Kidding...
Adrian Dingle gets an interception from the defensive end position. Michael "The Burner" Turner is also having a nice game. Kassim Osgood and Malcolm Floyd have stepped up. Our defensive reserves have played well. Our backups are currently beating the Chiefs 24-3. I'm content with today's performance.
Phil Rivers hits Kassim Osgood for a touchdown. Phil is 5 of 8 for 33 yards and a touchdown. Is it too late to get into the rookie of the year race?
My man Jim asks if today's date is January 2nd. How the fuck do you not know the date on January 2nd...? Considering the type and sheer volume of things that Jim's put in his body this weekend, though, he might not even have been aware that yesterday was New Years Day.
Shaun Alexander needs one yard to catch Curtis Martin for the NFL's rushing title. The Seahawks lead by 8, with the Falcons driving. They score with no time left, and need a 2-point conversion to tie. He'll take the high road during interviews, but looking at him right now... Shaun Alexander might as well be holding up a big "GO FALCONS!" sign. He wants overtime.
He doesn't get it. The Falcons fail to get the conversion, and Seattle gets to piss all over themselves at home this week, as opposed to having to piss on themselves in St. Louis. Self-urination is so much more comfortable in your own stadium.
Solomon Wilcots gives his Coach of the Year award to Jim Mora Jr. Don't get me wrong, the Falcons have had an impressive year, but... when he's handed the award, is the presenter actually going to say, "Hey, great job getting hired to coach a team with Michael Vick."
Alright... MJD is out. I don't know where I'm going to be watching playoff games next week, so... I can't predict if there will be a Smorgasbord or not, and if it'll cover Saturday, Sunday, both, or what. Take it easy, everyone, Happy Near Year, and do something to make yourself better in 2005.
