Sunday, September 11, 2005
| Week 01 - 2005/2006 |
Welcome back to the NFL and welcome back to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord here on themightymjd.com. It's great to have you back and all, but I'm going to need like half of you to stop watching the NFL. The popularity of this thing is getting out of hand. The sports bar is packed. I haven't seen this many asshole frat guys this excited since Britney Spears turned 18. I got here at 11:45, and there was not a table to be had in the front room. There's a whole new group of fans here that don't recognize.
The good news is that the sports bar has done a little remodeling and brought in 5 big-screen HDTVs, and I'm considering moving in. Through my contributions over the years, I've paid for like two of them. If I invested a little better on Sundays, I could have this set-up at home.
The NFL in general, with their pregame shows and highlight packages, can get pretty sappy and sentimental, and I'm usually not someone who goes for stuff like that. But watching Joe Horn going around the Superdome and giving out roses... hey, I'm not made out of wood. I'm not saying I cried or anything, but my eyes were acting strange.
Our waitress has an ass off of which I would not mind eating a plate of spaghetti. I mean, that thing is good. She's got her little ordering pad stuck into the top of the back of her snug black little shorts, and if there was an item on the menu that read, "Sniff the waitress's order pad," they'd have a buyer.
Great news. There's a little girl sitting at the table in front of us, and the waitress is bending over to talk to her. I love football season.
And yes, I feel like a dirty, lecherous old man.
I've seen some of stuff in HDTV before, but never for an extended period of time. Here's my first major observation. We all know that everyone on TV wears makeup. And the makeup techniques that have been developed were for standard TVs. The proliferation of HDTV is going to make the development of some new methods necessary. Chris Berman looks like he is composed entirely of Turtle Wax, and Chris Mortensen, I believe, has embalming fluid running through his veins.
Between the anniversary of September 11th, Thomas Herrion, and Hurricane Katrina, I hope the NFL doesn't forget to play some actual football today.
Out of nowhere, I feel a big meaty hand slap my back and a familiar voice in my ear. Oh, you know who it is...
Crazy motherfucking Fish Guy, baby.
He's wearing his standard uniform... jeans, tight gray t-shirt (stained, too, by the way), and positively filthy Dolphins hat. He's got at least three different pieces of paper that he's using for gambling, and one of them looks more complicated than any textbook I currently own. I've got two tables pulled together, and he asks me if all the seats are taken. I tell him yes, I think they will be. He says he'll just sit down until everyone else gets there (he doesn't actually leave the table for about five hours).
Crazy Fish Guy calls his bookie, and I can't hear everything, but I know he's put some lumber down on the Fish and the Titans.
Ten minutes before gametime, this place is overflowing. People are standing in the back, like when the church is too full. I hope there's some kind of a work stoppage or something in the NFL soon. I feel like too many people are on the bandwagon, and I'm not comfortable with it.
Crazy Fish Guy has entered Hour #2 of his call to his bookie.
My buddy Danks remarks that Greg Gumbel looks even whiter in HDTV. These TVs are so good that they see into the soul.
Randy Cross lists the keys to the game for the Titans, and one of them is, "Keep Steve McNair smiling." Sammy asks if offensive linemen will be talking to him in the huddle and saying, "Hey, Steve, a rabbi, a priest, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar..."
Before the Redskins game at FedEx Field, there is a touching tribute for the anniversary of September 11th. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are singing, and as always, the crowd is moved by the tender emotion and sincerity in their voices. LaVar Arrington is laughing while swaying back and forth and singing along, and I just yelled to Jessica Simpson, "I WANT TO SEE YOUR TITS." It was a very somber and moving tribute.
Oh, these Bills uniforms are cash. I don't think they're permanent, but they're the royal blue with the white helmets and red buffalo painted on the side. These are from the OJ era. If there was a trail of blood around the 15 yard-line, I could almost picture the Juice out there himself. Compared to the monstrosities that the Bills are currently sporting, these things are majestic in their beauty.
The games kick off, and someone almost immediately yells, "GET 'EM, GET 'EM, GET 'EM," the instinctive yell of the Redskins fan. I love that. "GET 'EM" is the favorite saying of the clueless football fan. I'm not saying it's never appropriate, but more often than not, it's what's said by people who follow the game according to only where the ball is. If the opponent has the ball, the only thought is about tackling him. If their team has the ball, the only thought is about running farther. This is football followed at the very basest level, and Redskins fans have perfected the art.
Man, even the yellow first-down line is crisper and sharper in HDTV. This is so awesome. In HDTV, if you look closely enough at the back of Patrick Ramsay's jersey, it says "SHULER."
There's always one guy who has to stand up on any play that isn't completely mundane. We get it, pal. You're excited. You're probably the biggest and most sincere fan in the universe, but please... sit the fuck down, buddy. You aren't at home, and you aren't the only one watching these TVs.
Some QBs are hot early. JP Losman is 8-of-9. Gus Frerotte hasn't hurt himself yet. And Ben Roethlisberger is looking pretty sharp. Danks says, "I guess Ben Roethlisberger took the preseason off." He pauses. "And the postseason." Ouch.
Man, the Fish are giving it to the Broncos. Crazy Fish Guy is happy and chatty. He's calling that the Dolphins are going to be the surprise team of the year. Hey, it's as good a pick as the Bears, which seems to be pretty popular right now. He's hoping for eight wins. Today, against the Broncos, it looks possible.
I think that NFL uniforms should be designed to look like the actual mascot of the team. For instance, the Bears should have to play in actual furry bear costumes, and walk around on all-fours. The Steelers should have to wear pure iron. The Giants should have to play on stilts. The Redskins wouldn't be allowed to wear any pads at all; just otter fur, war paint, and racism.
By the way, Crazy Fish Guy, who's real name I have no interest in knowing, who is at least 25 years older than anyone else at this table, is sitting with us, while Doug, a good friend, and even a family member to one of us, stands in the back. I don't know how that happened.
Patrick Ramsay gets absolutely clotheslined by Bears defender Randy "Macho Man" Savage. I don't think that's legal, in football or in American society. That was just harsh. His eye is black and swelling up like he just went six rounds with Mike Tyson.
Willie Parker is getting it done, while Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley stand on the sidelines comparing retirement plans. Willie has over 100 total yards in the first half and has been fairly unstoppable so far.
Hey, Jerry Rice is in the studio for CBS's pregame show. Man, he looks much younger with eye black and a football helmet on. I don't know if retirement has been particularly stressful for him or what, but he doesn't look well. He's got miniature asscracks under his eyes, his mustache is just nasty, and a small Shetland pony could jump through either of his hoop earrings. Not an attractive fellow.
Gus Frerotte has completed 8 straight. There's a sentence I didn't think I'd be typing, ever.
The Redskins take a 3-0 lead. That might just win it for them.
Crazy Fish Guy calls his bookie back and puts some lumber down on the Chargers. That can't be anything but good karma for the Bolts. By the way, Crazy Fish Guy, who clearly has a gambling problem, is soliciting advice from Danks and my buddy Doug, and he's just blindly taking it. You'd think someone who does so much gambling experience would have a little better system than just asking the asshole sitting next to him at the bar.
In some kind of a halftime montage before the Redskins game goes to a commercial, there appears to be a clip of Roy Firestone singing. Did I see that correctly? Were they having a hard time booking someone for the national anthem? How did they get to Roy Firestone? "Well, Lee Greenwood's booked, we can't get Neil Young, Paul Simon's on vacation... hey, I wonder if Roy Firestone can sing?"
Frisman Jackson gets on the board for the Browns. You can't fuck with Frisman.
Willie Parker continues to be a beast. I mean, he's just bouncing off defenders. Right now, he is the only running back in fantasy football having a good day. There is no close 2nd. I think Duce Staley just looked up "Jeff Gilooly" in the phone book.
Ben Roethlisberger, nicknamed "Mr. September" by a couple of the non-Steeler fans at the table, currently has a perfect quarterback rating.
When I'm hanging out with my boys, and I hear someone's cell phone ring,and it's playing some sissy song, I have a standard joke that I go to. I hear some girly little jingle, and I'm about to say, "Hey, some little girl's cell phone is ringing," when Crazy Fish Guy answered the phone in question.
For some reason, there's a ton of Bills fans in the house today. Some Cowboys fan in the room is giving it to them, asking how many Super Bowls they've won, and then saying something about them getting the Cowboys' "sloppy seconds." That makes me laugh.
Steve McNair gets rocked. With HDTV, I believe I just saw his sternum crack. I remark that it's mean to hit a frail old man that hard. Danks says it's evidence that Pittsburgh is racist for sacking a black quarterback.
Hey, it's a Tommy Maddox sighting. Danks asks if this is the first sign of a quarterback controversy in Pittsburgh.
Miami isn't just beating Denver, they're whooping some ass. Only Crazy Fish Guy and Nick Saban had any idea that this would happen.
Jake Plummer throws an interception, hitting a wide open Dolphin right in the numbers. And at the end of the play, he's talking shit. What's he saying? "Hey, I'm Jake Plummer, baby. Yeah, I threw an interception, and I'll do it again. You doubt me? You watch, baby." Plummer, by the way, has grown an outstanding porn moustache. I suggest that his nickname be changed from "The Snake" to "The Trouser Snake."
I think that anyone who tackles Joe Horn clearly hates the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
The Broncos gets the ball back, and Jake Plummer, true to his word, throws another interception. You've got to admire his resolve and his willingness to stick to his style of play.
At some point in the 4th quarter, the Texans have 25 passing yards.
The Broncos get the ball back, and Jake Plummer throws and hits a Dolphins defender in the back. He's throwing at Dolphins like it's his job.
The Fish score again, and this is a route. Gus Frerotte has an incredible day. Do I hear a little bit of Frerotte MVP chatter? Hey, I'm glad I didn't pick up the Broncos defense and start them today or anything.
John Carney hits a field goal for the Saints, and they get a win against the Panthers. I had a feeling this would happen. I don't know if they can carry this momentum too deep into the season, but I think they probably went out today and had more focus than anyone. No team was happier to take the field than the Saints, and like everyone else, I'm glad they got this W.
Tough one for the Panthers fans, but keep your heads up, fellas. You can lean into the strike zone and take this one for the team.
And while we're on the subject, CBS keeps showing this clip of people in the Astrodome watching the Saints win, and none of them look that happy. They just don't. You know, you've heard a lot about how the people want the Saints to win the game for them, and that football can really be a good diversion, and for some people, I have no doubt that that's true. But at the same time, maybe that's something that we and the media tell ourselves to make us feel better about spending our entire Sunday doing this.
The Chargers game is about to get underway, and the Bills fans who were taking abuse from the Cowboys fans earlier have gotten on my side. Nice.
After the Chargers take an early 7-0 lead, the Cowboys commit penalties on five straight plays, or perhaps I should say attempted plays. Five straight. Chances are, they were going three-and-out anyway, so it doesn't hurt them that much. At least not until Bill Parcells gets them in practice next week.
Now that Crazy Fish Guy has gone, my buddy Chris lets me know that as soon as Crazy Fish Guy sat down, he leaned back and stretched, revealing some massive pit stains. Crazy Fish Guy rolls in style.
Eli Manning connects with Jeremy Shockey on a nice TD strike against the Cardinals. Has there ever been a more loathsome combination to ever hook up for a touchdown? Did Ken Stabler ever throw a touchdown pass to Osama bin Laden?
Some fucking guy named Crayton keeps making big plays for the Cowboys. I have never heard of this man. It was cute for a few minutes, but it's quickly losing it's appeal. I hope someone stabs him in the leg soon.
Kurt Warner is making me look like a douchebag for doubting him. Still quite early, though.
Doug tells us that he went to a friend's place last night, where they had a keg, but no cups. They also had no ice, and the keg had been sitting in someone's trunk for the entirely of a pretty hot day. Undeterred, they drank hot beer out of mixing bowls. Yes, they are out of high school.
There's a lone 49er fan here, and he's excited. He's jumping up and down, showing off a pretty good vertical, in fact. He's like Crazy Fish Guy, except he's young, black, capable of jumping, and not forcing his presence on me.
There's a play where Cowboys douchebag Patrick "Who the fuck?" Crayton catches a pass, clearly got his hands under it, and had it ruled an incompletion. Crayton didn't say a word, he just got up and went back to the huddle. He didn't even shake his head. Joe Buck feels the need to compliment him for this, for some reason. They did eventually review it, but had the Chargers been quicker to the line of scrimmage, they wouldn't have. He almost screwed himself out of a completion by not bitching, and Joe Buck thinks this is a good thing. I think the severe beating of Joe Buck would be a good thing.
San Francisco is following in the footsteps of Miami and laying wood to the Rams. This is just bizarre.
Luis Castillo is called for a bullshit roughing-the-passer call for rubbing up against Drew Bledsoe. My buddy AJ remarks that you can see Drew Bledsoe's skirt showing from under his uniform, and adds that "his tampon string is really long."
Not to go all Peter King on you, but here's a couple of quick things. Darren Sproles might be the fastest dude in the NFL, and Joey Harrington might be the worst quarterback to ever wear a football uniform.
Drew Bledsoe is playing very well today. He looks 10 years younger... he's playing like he's 38.
Nationals 9, Redskins 9.
I'm ready to wrap this up. Losing because of defensive penalties on 3rd down, an 18-yard punt, and Quentin Jammer's proclivity for grabbing jerseys... well, that's no fun way to lose. Catch y'all next week.
| Comments: |
MJD,
I'm pretty sure you were referring to "Jeff" Gilooly, not "Richard", who is known as Dick by his friends. Hey, first smorgasboard -you'll pull it together.
Boo Boo
...posted by
Anonymous: 12/9/05 08:01 MJD,
You are an excellent writer and watcher of football, my friend.
Please email me about coming on my show, Sports Bloggers Live.
All the best,
Jamie
dcsportsguy@aol.com
...posted by
mr. irrelevant: 12/9/05 14:38 Post a Comment
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