Monday, October 03, 2005
| Week 04 - 2005/2006 |
To start the day, a waitress who isn't even waiting on me comes over and gives my shoulder a little squeeze and says it's nice to see me. She adds that she notices that I'm always sitting in the same place every week. I don't think she's ever even waited on me before. Given these actions, I think we can safely conclude that it's not a tip she's after. At least, not a monetary one.
This could lead to a rekindling of an imaginary relationship for me here at the sports bar. For those of you who are new to the Smorgasbord, in Years 1 and 2, there was a lovely young waitress here who I used to pretend was my girlfriend. It was very touching and sweet and romantic, and you can go back through the archives for more information, if you'd like.
I like how Chris Mortenson has ESPN.com on the computer screen behind him on NFL Countdown, as if that's what he's using to get his information. I don't have the know-how myself, but Danks suggests that it would be nice to see someone hack into it and change it to something like goldenshowers.com.
Y'know, I've never been one of the people who believes you can't wear a jersey after a certain age. Jay-Z and Charles Barkley say if you're over 30, you're too old to be wearing jerseys. I don't agree. Hopefully, when I'm 80, I'll be rocking a Tomlinson throwback. But I do believe, however, that you can be too lame to wear jerseys. For instance, if you're tucking the jersey into your khakis... you probably should've just stuck with one of the 85 polo shirts in your closet, Leroy.
I can't remember if I told you this last week, but I am supremely confident that the Bolts are going to be waxing the Patriots this week, and that I'll be sleeping with Danks' girlfriend later. In fact, Danks and I have wagered on it... winner of the Pats/Bolts game nails Danks' girlfriend. Only, I'm the only one who knows about the bet.
On Countdown, they've asked the question, "If you're building an NFL franchise, and you could pick one player to build it around, who do you go with?" Someone says Brady, someone says Tomlinson (to me, the only two possible answers), and then Steve Young says Michael Vick. I like Steve Young, but... Michael Vick? You're going to build your franchise around a quarterback who can't throw? I'd take Marcus over him. Seriously.
This Under Armor commercial... you know, the one that's new for this year, now that they can afford actors and special affects, and whole other team, instead of just the Maryland Terrapins... two things about it bug me. 1) Why are both teams wearing their dark uniforms? Is this in the Any Given Sunday league? 2) The quote from the reporter, "You beat the big guys every year. You know they can't touch you, they know they can't touch you." So, I'm just wondering... what exactly makes them the big guys?
There are lots of Bengals fans here this week, something that kind of bothers me. I have no quarrel with the Bengals, but... I've never seen more than one Bengal fan in my life. There just have never been large numbers of them. Either these guys became Bengals fans like last week, or they were ashamed to show up and cheer for their team when they sucked. I don't like either.
What I do like, however, is the dude in the Chad Johnson jersey with matching Bengals ZUBAZ PANTS. Zubaz pants command respect.
One more Bengals fan note... one dude is wearing an old school Jeff Blake Bengals jersey. Anyone remember the Jeff Blake era in Cincy? It seemed like he was a young stud QB and the Bengals had a bright future. Man, that was a great 14 days.
I'm probably not going to see a lot of it, but I'll bet that Paul McGuire says something about Taco Bell tonight during the Cardinals/49ers game in Mexico.
Early in the Chargers/Patriots game, it looks as if Marty Schottenheimer called Bill Belichick this morning and said, "Hey, Bill, wanna play a WAC game this week?" I think I just saw Tom Brady being subbed out for Timmy Chang. There aren't this many balls flying around at a gay pride parade.
Michael Pittman scores for the Bucs, and then flexes his biceps at the camera... dear God. "Ripped" doesn't even describe it. His biceps are like Tony Mandarich's thighs. If his arm is bent, I don't know how he even has room for the football in there. And while we're on the subject of Michael Pittman... why the hell is he playing?
There's some fucking douchebag in a Shockey jersey (as if any other kind of person could ever be in a Shockey jersey) who stands up for like every other play of the Giants game. He's a big typical Jersey fuck who seems to enjoy blocking my view of the Chargers game, Drakkar cologne, and date rape. When he stands up, I yell, "SHAAAWKEEEEEY... SHAAAWKEEEY... I CAN'T READ." My man Chris does this thing where he yells a loud, abbreviated "DERR," that I can't accurately describe, but it's killing me.
Vinatieri misses a field goal on the opening drive for the Pats. The Chargers respond by driving down the field until Nate Kaeding hits a field goal. The conclusion to be drawn here... Nate Kaeding is better than Adam Vinatieri.
On the ensuing kickoff, the Patriots guy fumbles, and I thought for sure that the Chargers pounced on it. The refs start sorting through the pile, and then indicate that the Patriots have retained possession. I scream, "THAT'S A FUCKIN' LIE." I then apologize to everyone around me.
I've just seen something I can't unsee. I can't even tell you what it is... you don't want to know. I could paint the picture for you. I could do it, but I'm not going to, because I care about you. But it would be unfair to you, to the subject of the picture, and probably the women of America, if not in fact the world.
Uh-oh... Crazy Fish Guy's here, there's no place to sit, and there are open spots at our table. I think we're going to be getting a visit.
Indeed we do. He leans over the shoulders of myself and Danks, and starts babbling something that I can't remember. He did manage to spit on me, however. Short sleeves were a bad choice. I don't know if I should never wash it again, or if I should get an immediate tetanus shot.
Crazy Fish Guy's wearing an old (really old) t-shirt with "Lansdowne Tavern" on the front, and a cracked, faded #2 on the back. Chris and I briefly discuss what sport he would've played, before we decide that it could only be softball, although I'm still holding out some hope for something like Polo. Like, perhaps he was the world's best polo player before he tore up his shoulder, went into a deep depression, began drinking and gambling, grew a healthy beer gut, married a Canadian whore and has never recovered. Chances are, however, he was just the guy on the softball team who got one inning a game and was responsible for bringing the case of Pabst Blue Ribbon to the game.
And the Chargers have opened up a 14-point lead on the defending world champions. Man, this is nice. I'm starting to plan positions for my tryst with Meghann. I might go to Barnes and Noble after the game and pick up a Kama Sutra book.
My new favorite non-Charger... Rams fullback Madison Hedgecock.
Drew Brees is on the bench, enjoying a nice cup of Gatorade, when Phill Simms, for some reason, uses the telestrater to circle his ass. Perhaps he's been emboldened by the Manning/Chesney relationship and has finally decided to reveal his long-suppressed crush on Drew Brees.
Crazy Fish Guy puts in a call to the bookie. Short call this week, only three games, and he's playing them all straight. I feel like I'm watching Picasso paint.
The Chargers continue to drive on the Patriots, picking up key third downs, both through the air and on the ground. It's just very gratifying.
Down 17, Tom Brady drops back and... intercepted by Bhawoh Jue. MAZEL TOV, BABY.
Chargers cornerback Drayton Florence goes barrelling out of bounds and runs right through a Patriots cheerleader. Unfortunate, but hilarious. It elicits some boos from the crowd, and I yell, "HIT ANOTHER ONE." I think the girl is going to be okay, despite the fact that he hit her pretty hard. Of course, that's nothing compared to what Meghann's getting later.
41-17, in Foxboro. Holy thunder. I'm not putting a ton of stock into it, in terms of our place in the NFL right now. Not only are the Patriots without some key players, but they also just came off a hardfought game that both teams played with playoff intensity. But still, it feels damn good.
The Bengals finally wrap up a victory against the surprising Texans, and some goateed Bengals fan behind me raises his beer and says, "Fifty fuckin' years." Good for you, buddy.
Joey Harrington does something very un-Joey Harrington like and throws a game-winning touchdown pass to Marcus Pollard. Except, it's being reviewed and overturned. A large-hootered girl in a Bucs shirt celebrates and says, "There is a God!" after they take the TD off the board. In turn, for the next few minutes, I'll be a Lions fans. Joey Harrington then proceeds to throw two uncatchable balls and the Lions lose. I did not enjoy my time as a Lions fan.
Crazy Fish Guy leaves. He was only here for like twenty minutes this week. My guess is that he had to get out of the house, a safe distance from the wife, to call his bookie.
Whoa. I don't know exactly what Jay Fiedler's injury is, but he's wearing some bizarre contraption that I've never seen before. It covers like 70% of his body. He looks like a villain in a Terminator movie. His arm's held up, this thing is wrapped around his waist. I hope the injury isn't as bad as it looks.
The Chiefs are gashing the Eagles on the ground. There isn't even token resistance at this point.
at 13:17 of the 2nd quarter, Brooks Bollinger has attempted one pass. Yes, it was incomplete.
It's currently 17-0, Kansas City over Philadelphia, and 10-0, Cowboys over the Raiders. I think the AFC might be better than the NFC.
My man A.J. tells us that Cowboys guard Larry Allen bench presses 800 pounds, which I immediately thought was bullshit. In fact, I planned to make fun on him here in this space, because I thought the world record was like 600. As it turns out, according to some website, world records are now running about 900 pounds, so I guess it's possible. I'm sorry for assuming that you're a dipshit, A.J.
I would like to point out, however, that Rod Tidwell is still not a real wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals.
Hey, the Vikings have righted the ship and gotten back to their usual selves. They're down 21-0 to the Falcons right now. And hey, look, it's a Daunte Culpepper interception. Perhaps last week, and not weeks one and two, was the aberration.
The Eagles are down 24-6 at halftime. Mandy, a friend of Danks' girlfriend and an Eagles fan, decides to just give up and leave. I don't know her well at all, but she's very nice and pleasant to be around... but y'know, she's an Eagles fan, how much value could her life possibly have? Just a disappointing decision on her part.
Terry Bradshaw does a highlight voiceover for Fox, and then gives it back to James Brown. The segment ended with Terry Bradshaw saying this: "I'm done, it's your turn. Take us outta here, Big Papa. (brief pause). Big Papa. (hysterical giggle)."
Terrell Owens is streaking towards the endzone, wide open. Donovan McNabb misses him by 10 yards. Terrell just pulled a cell phone out of the field goal post pad, and is now thumbing through the yellow pages to find McNabb a good hernia surgeon.
My pen is running out of ink. This is a mayday situation. I have no contingency plan. If I have to, I will gash this inkless pen into my wrist, dip it into the blood and write that way, and hope that the 4 o'clock games conclude before I bleed out.
Philadelphia's coming back on the Chiefs, and they appear to be doing it quite easily. The Chiefs defense is back to looking like the Chiefs defense, and since missing Owens on that post route, McNabb has been pretty sharp.
For any dentists who might be reading, or just anyone with a general interest in oral health... I'd just like to note that Falcons QB Matt Schaub has very yellow teeth, and Eagles WR Greg Lewis has huge gums.
The Ravens are going to beat the Bollinger-led Jets, and I'd like to congratulate Anthony Wright on not being the worst quarterback on the field for the first time in his career.
Here's something that bothers me: When a ball is tipped, and the receiver goes on to catch it anyway, why does the commentator always have to compliment his concentration? What's he supposed to do? As soon as the ball is tipped, he's supposed to forget about catching it? "Okay, here comes the throw, it's coming right at me, I'm going to catch it, OH, IT GOT TIPPED! Hey, I really think waffles are delicious."
Y'know, ever since the early encounter with the waitress this morning, she hasn't been back. Not even a cursory glance. Hard-to-get. I like that.
Philadelphia has scored 28 unanswered. Chris, Eagles-hater, has vowed to abuse Mandy next week for leaving while the Eagles were down 24-6. She's given up a prime opportunity to talk some shit about the Eagles comeback. I hope she feels sufficiently bad for leaving.
And that'll wrap it up for the week. Just one more note... You know what I get for trying to write the Smorgasbord at work? I get talkative women in my office, chatting endlessly about wedding plans. That's what I get. I'm going to cry.
| Comments: |
MJD thank you for another great post...Also thank you for talking up so much dirty shit about my girlfriend, it makes me feel so confident in my relationship.
...posted by
Danks: 3/10/05 09:07 I love the bit about the waitress... "Not even a cursory glance. Hard-to-get. I like that."
The SAS kills King's MMQB.
All the best,
Jamie
www.sblradio.com
...posted by
mr. irrelevant: 3/10/05 10:20 Post a Comment
<< Home
