Sunday, October 09, 2005
| Week 05 - 2005/2006 |
I walk in and sit down at the same table I always do, a waitress comes and gets me a drink, and I'm sitting there with a menu and a beverage in front of me... and then the same girl who was eager to pleasure me last week comes over, puts her hand on the back of my head and says, "Is anyone taking care of you, sweetie?" I guess that depends on what she means by "taking care of me." There's always room to take it to another level of service, and I'm ready to explore all options.
ESPN's Countdown has Jon Gruden mic'd up from last week's game, where he drops this quote as he stalks up and down the sideline: "WHAT HASH ARE WE ON? WHAT YARD LINE ARE WE ON? WHAT THE FUCK?" Is that all it takes to be an NFL coach? Not paying attention to the game, and a love of profanity? Where can I get an application? I will scream "fuck" until my vocal chords can take no more. It could be what I was born to do.
Thanks to a God that is truly merciful and good, I have yet to see Fox's pregame show this year. As much as I bag on ESPN, NFL Countdown is so far ahead of both Fox and CBS's pregame shows... it's like comparing Curb Your Enthusiasm to Everybody Loves Raymond. Anyway, Fox is on this week at the bar, for some reason, and they're having some kind of "NFL's Sexiest Man" bracket. I'm not kidding. They're having some kind of a debate about the sexiest guy in the NFL. They'd bring in Kenny Chesney as a guest expert if they thought he and Terry Bradshaw wouldn't wind up on the floor naked. Kenny likes the rednecks.
I'm rolling a little light today. I'm usually here with 5 or 6 amigos, but today there's just two of us... and AJ's afraid to say anything because he doesn't want me to make fun of him here in the Smorgasbord. Another friend is having a birthday party for his one-year-old today... should I feel bad because I didn't go? The kid is one. I'd wish him happy birthday if he, y'know, could comprehend any kind of basic human thought at his age. He understands like three things... strained carrots, pretty cartoons, and mommy's nipples. That's it. He doesn't need me today. He's not going to miss me, whereas, I'd like to think that the hundreds and thousands of people that read the Smorgasbord would indeed be disappointed if it wasn't here. I've got to do what I can to make the most people happy, right? Sorry little buddy. Maybe next year. Try to make it a Tuesday or something.
I've got a couple of predictions for this week: Matt Schaub, for whom I have a deep hatred stemming from the Continental Tire Bowl a few years ago, is going to have a big week and the Falcons are going to win a close one. Also, Najeh Davenport is going to have a big week and the Packers are getting in the W column this week, which might actually give them a share of the lead in the NFC North.
Into the bar hobbles a Raider fan on crutches. The lesson to be learned here? If you support the Raiders, God will break your leg.
Early in the game, Matt Schaub throws downfield twice, and both times, the ball bounces off of his receivers' hands. Would it be a stretch to say that there are college teams with better WRs than the Falcons? Ohio State, maybe?
The Packers get on the board first as Najeh Davenport squeezes and grunts the ball into the endzone. He's a tremendous scat-back. To celebrate his touchdown, he will break into Robert Ferguson's locker and unburden his bowels.
I have no problem admitting to you that I'm biased on the subject of Ray Lewis... I can't stand him. He is tremendously overrated. Maybe my perception is clouded, but I don't see him making a lot of plays. He comes in to the backfield on a blitz, untouched, and Shawn Bryson absolutely stands him up. Ray's running full speed, unloads on Bryson with his best shot, and Bryson takes it, stays on his feet, and keeps Ray-Ray away from the QB. If he's some kind of a tough guy, I don't see it.
The Patriots are up 14-0 (no offense, Tom Brady), and my Falcons prediction isn't looking too good. I gotta get out of the prediction business... I feel like Peter King, only I'm not hopped up on grande hazelnut lattes and fondling an anatomically correct Bill Belichick doll.
A very strange replay call gets the Lions down to the one-yard line. The Ravens got the shaft on that one, because there's no way that wasn't a forward pass by Joey Harrington. Bizarre call... I don't know how it could be screwed up that bad. I have no choice but to believe that Mike Carey goes under the replay hood and fires up a bowl. I guess the Lions were owed one from last week, but that's the worst replay call I've ever seen. Just blatantly, obviously, clearly wrong. If it wasn't Baltimore, I might be upset.
Speaking of the Ravens, I think it's really cute how Brian Billick gets upset when Anthony Wright throws an interception. It's as if he's holding out some hope that Anthony Wright is one day going to make a good play... it's cute that he still believes. It's like a child who falls asleep staring at the chimney, waiting for Santa Claus to come down.
Wright, by the way, is 1-of-4 for 5 yards and 2 INTs. In related news, Santa has also yet to come down the chimney.
Najeh Davenport's ankle snaps like a Slim Jim. Just an ugly, ugly thing. His body was standing up, while his ankle was laying down. The guy finally gets his shot, and then something like that happens, and he gets shit on... unfortunate.
Things just could not be going worse for New Orleans right now. You know what this game looks like? It's like a Tecmo Bowl game, and Jim Haslett keeps picking the wrong play. Try Down and B, Jim.
The Packers get down to the 1 on a pass interference call. Now, Najeh, I know that your foot just separated itself from the ankle, but for the purposes of my fantasy team, you're going to have to just hough this one out. Get a shot, get some tape, and get your hamper-affectionate ass into that endzone. If need be, you can get in from the one-yard-line in a wheelchair. In fact, if they didn't let you play in a wheelchair, the Packers and the NFL would be in clear violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Make it happen, Mike Sherman.
There's a bowling alley right next door to the sports bar. I head over to the window at halftime of a couple of the games, just to stretch my legs. There appears to be some kind of a Special Olympics event going on down at the lanes. There's a couple dozen people with disabilities down there, getting their bowl on, having a good time. I think if you gave me a couple of hours with them, I think I could coach them up to the point where we could beat either the Ravens or Lions. At the very least, we could give them a good game.
Winning the online fan poll for the NFL's best defense... the Indianapolis Colts. Please. Can someone please let me know when the Colts do something impressive defensively? I know they've allowed like 29 points, but... who have they stopped that you could consider impressive? Jacksonville, maybe. Other than that, me and my Special Olympians could be pitching a shutout. I'm not saying they aren't good, I think they're above average... but at the end of the year, if people are still considering them the best, I'll be shocked. Better than last year? Sure. Best in the NFL? Slow down.
I'm not sure who's doing the color commentary in the Lions game, but at halftime, he suggests that the Lions "let Joey Harrington take over the game." Yes, the same Joey Harrington that's carrying a 6.4 passer rating into the 2nd half.
The waitress who loves me brings me my food, despite the fact that she isn't my waitress. I think it's become abundantly clear that this woman wants to be my next imaginary sports bar girlfriend. If she didn't want me to pretend that she likes me in some way, why would she be bringing me chicken wings? That's what that means, right? I'm going to have to think about whether or not I'm ready for an imaginary commitment to someone out of my league.
Kevin Jones takes a handoff and runs through a Ray Lewis tackle that offered all the resistance of the tape at the end of a marathon. Ray hit him square, lowered his shoulder, and Kevin Jones just shed him. Not so easy without a knife, is it, Ray?
On the next play, the Ravens bite like hell on play action, and Joey Harrington overthrows a wide open receiver by roughly ten yards. That looked like a dude who just threw a spiral for the first time, and had no idea he was capable of throwing the ball with that velocity. I think Joey Harrington may have just accidentally thrown a spiral.
Terrell Suggs records a personal foul for a late hit on the quarterback. It wasn't a savage hit or anything, but it was pretty clearly late. Suggs gets in referee Mike Carey's face, and bumps him Pete Rose style. That's not something you can do. Terrell Suggs gets tossed, and rightfully so. He spends the next five minutes on the sideline looking like he's going to cry.
The commentators are calling the Ravens/Lions game a "dogfight," and a "physical game." And it is, I guess, but don't get it twisted... this is not a good football game. This is exceedingly ugly. I mean, you can put Chris Berman and Verne Lundquist in loincloths, lock them in a steel cage and have them fight to the death, and sure, it might be physical... but that doesn't mean it will be good in any way, or any fun to watch. The Ravens penalty barrage is hilarious, but the game itself? Not a masterpiece.
The Ravens hold the Lions on a 3rd and goal... until an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty nullifies the stop. TeeHee.
The Packers lead 42-3 and Brett Favre is still in the game.
The Lions, given like 7 tries from inside the three-yard line, finally score (with a great little touch by Kevin Jones imitating Ray-Ray's spastic touchdown dance). The Ravens, then, manage to pick up two different unsportsmanlike penalties on the ensuing extra point try, and get another guy tossed. That's pretty impressive. I mean, they could just try to block it, and walk to the sidelines... that's one route they could've chosen. Or they can try to fight a guy and then grab a referee. That's the other option.
I've never seen a team have a stretch like this, with so many bad penalties, and sissy, undisciplined plays. This is remarkable. They have 16 penalties, 3 turnovers, and 2 ejections. It's the 3rd quarter.
Matt Schaub continues to have a pretty nice game. For some reason, I'm paying way more attention to the Ravens game than I am the quality Falcons/Pats contest... perhaps because of some deep-seeded self-loathing that I have. Anyway, it's possible that the Falcons have the best back-up QB in the league, while having about the 18th-best starting QB in the league.
The Lions intercept an Anthony Wright pass, if you can believe that, and then take it for a long return. And the Ravens have the courtesy to add a 15-yard penalty to the end of it. They're being very gracious and accommodating to the Lions today. If you hate the Ravens, this might be the best day of your life.
The all-time record for penalties in a game is 22, and is shockingly not held by the Raiders. The Ravens currently stand at 21 on the day.
And then Shawn Bryson rips off a 77-yard touchdown run on his first carry of the day, or for all I know, the year. A pissed-off Raven fan stands up and starts to rip off his Ed Reed jersey, and then changes his mind and just yells profanity at the TV for a while, because, you know, that's less embarrassing.
The Falcons tie it up with a long pass from Matt Schaub, and then a 2-point conversion. 3:52 remains on the clock, however, and there's no way that the Patriots are letting this one get to overtime. Valiant effort, though, Falcons.
Score update: The Jets have defeated the Tampa Bay Bucs. Now, I'm not one of the people who think the Bucs have gotten to 4-0 on smoke and mirrors... I think they're a good team. But losing to Vinny Testaverde, when at this time last week, he was sitting on his couch watching a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, is not a good sign for your long-term viability as a Super Bowl contender.
The Patriots do, in fact, drive down the field and get a field goal to win it. Very impressive win... another great accomplishment for this team. Don't let Tom Brady read this, though, because he might get really mad at me.
Belichick, meanwhile, celebrates more than he did after winning any of his three Super Bowls. He throws his headset up in the air and leaps for joy like a Girl Scout who just won the cookie-selling title. That looks to me like evidence that Bill Belichick had some questions about this team, considering all the injuries. This looked like a huge relief for him.
The TV guy takes the Cards/Panthers game off, to put golf on. It's not that I don't like golf, but you know... it's a Sunday in October. These Sundays are for football... there's a reason that the Masters is in April and not now. Who goes to a sports bar to watch golf? I mean, I watch the majors, I enjoy them... but never have I felt like ordering a pitcher of cheap beer and yelling something like, "FUCK HIM UP, STUART APPLEBY," in a sports bar. It just doesn't feel right.
Dallas has gone up 17-0 on the Eagles, and I know the Chiefs did the same thing to them last week, only to choke it away... but this one feels way different. The Chiefs game seemed like they built a lead on momentum and big plays and some Eagles mistakes... the Cowboys have just been laying the lumber.
Alright, John Daly and Tiger Woods are tied at -10 going into 18. I'm still philosophically opposed to golf being on the TV, but I suppose this is worth watching. Daly just bogeyed 17 to fall back into the tie... and I hate the sense of doom that accompanies any John Daly mistake. It's not his golf game I worry about... it's that he might be standing over a putt, get the shakes, and pull a bottle out of his golf bag. That always feels like a possibility.
For the Cowboys, a douchebag named Polite adds touchdown. After he scores, he thanks his opposition for the quality of their defense, and the officials for doing a fine job. He graciously thanks Bill Parcells for calling the play, and then writes a modest check to Jerry Jones to cover any damage that he might have done to the Texas Stadium turf with his aggressive running style.
Dallas carries a 27-3 lead into the half... if the Eagles come back to win this one, they are truly men. But they're not going to.
The 49ers, playing pretty well at all positions other than QB, are not embarrassing themselves against the Colts. Well, Alex Smith is, but that's to be expected. They try a surprise onside kick and turn it into a field goal. I like it, Coach Nolan, do what you can to inspire your team. Take some risks. Excellent work.
You can't, however, surprise a team with it two times in a row. It's cool to be ballsy and all, but that just seems silly and desperate. I mean, I know you're looking for anything at all you can find, but it's still the NFL and not a Globetrotters/Generals game. But on the other hand, y'know, why not just say fuck it and throw all dignity out the window... No matter what happens, they're all going to wake up tomorrow and be the 49ers. They might as well have some fun with it.
And on the 2nd playoff hole, John Daly 3-putts from 20 feet to hand Tiger Woods the victory. Oh boy. That one hurt. I can't decide if I want him to have a drink, or if I want all the bottles in the San Francisco to be hidden from him. I don't know what's better for John Daly right now.
Keyshawn Johnson and Drew Bledsoe are arguing on the sidelines after Keyshawn coughs up the ball and gift wraps a touchdown for the Eagles. I don't know who started the argument, but the ball went right through Keyshawn, and he probably shouldn't be saying anything other than "Hey, um... sorry."
And where golf once was, there is now a baseball game in the 18th inning or something. It's like this TV has been dedicated to the pursuit of non-action. I'm sure that some people call this exciting. It will be called a classic, because the game went so long. I see it more as prolonging the agony. I mean, who can watch 6 hours of one baseball game? To me, the longer a baseball game goes, the farther away it comes from a classic.
A 47-year-old Japanese man who has made friends with nearly every person in the bar today turns to our table and tells us the story of the first time he was handcuffed. He was drinking a quart of Stroh's at the time. I'm not sure it's all that great of a story, but I am laughing my ass off.
And that's going to do it... I'm wrapping it up a little bit early today... a couple of AJ's friends have joined us at the table, and they're wearing Redskins jerseys, which is something that's a little embarrassing for me. Time to bounce.
| Comments: |
When you finally get with that waitress, will you offer a smorgasbord-style recap of that?
...posted by
Anonymous: 10/10/05 07:01 Hey what city are you in? Seems like a cool enough sports bar
...posted by
Anonymous: 10/10/05 15:11 beautiful work as usual.
trying to throw you some traffic from frog, haved linked this from the front.
---aaron (bengal)
...posted by
Aaron P.: 10/10/05 16:30 Whatever you're drinking, I want some. I twice had tea shooting out my nose reading this.
You've got talent both for humor and knowing the hell what's going on (Matt Schaub having a big week, Packers win).
You have a new fan. Thank the Sports Frog.
...posted by
R. Robertson: 10/10/05 17:50 So wait, was he drinking the Stroh's while telling the you story, or while he was being handcuffed?
...posted by
: 11/10/05 06:23 I'd be happy to post a Smorgasbord-style recap of anything that goes down between me and the waitress... though I wasn't sure that there was a huge market out there for anyone to read about my imaginary sex fantasies. It's great to know that there is.
Aaron - THANK YOU. I really appreciate the linkage from the undisputed king, the Frog.
R. - Thanks a lot, man... Sorry about the tea through the nose. But thanks for your comments.
Kordos - He was drinking the Stroh's while being handcuffed... I'm not sure what he was drinking while he was telling the story, but whatever it was, it was flowing pretty freely.
...posted by
the mighty mjd: 11/10/05 12:05 Post a Comment
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