Sunday, October 16, 2005
| Week 06 - 2005/2006 |
If I was at the Vikings game today, I'd have dressed up in a sailor outfit, put a rip in my pants, messed up my hair and held a sign that said, "FRED SMOOT, YOU WERE FANTASTIC."
All the pregame shows, of course, have some talk about Tedy Bruschi and his possible comeback sometime this season. I've gotta tell ya, I think he was faking the entire thing. I think he was jealous of all the attention Tom Brady gets, so he came up with some bullshit stroke. I just think it's low.
I have an unfortunate feeling that I'm going to be seeing Bill Romanowski in commercials all day long. What an absolutely loathsome human being this son-of-a-bitch is. He spends his entire career with a needle in his ass, taking cheap shots, snapping guys' fingers for no reason, spitting on black people and cheating at every opportunity... am I expected to feel some sympathy for him because he's in tears now? Well, I don't. I'm glad. I hope it hurts, Bill.
There's a dude here in a unique jersey, and if you're a longtime Smorgasbord reader, you may remember me talking about him last year. And the year before. He's got a Saints Ricky Williams #34 jersey. But he's taped over the "WILLIAMS" and over the 34s and written "McALLISTER" over Williams and 26s over the 34s. This was cute when the Saints got rid of Ricky and drafted Deuce. I used to find the display admirable. But it's time to let it go, man. Turn the page. We're going on year #3 here, and he couldn't have washed that thing. I mean, it's masking tape and an ink pen. If it ends up giving him a rash, he probably deserves it.
While we're on the subject of jerseys, there's a dude here in a Steelers #66 Alan Faneca jersey. That is to be admired. O-Lineman worship is at a premium in our football society. And you know, at the same time, it's a pretty intelligent investment. Guys like Faneca don't go anywhere, so you won't have to buy another jersey next year. You buy a Porter or Bettis jersey, and you just aren't safe
Chris Mortenson drops these tidbits on NFL Countdown this morning: In the wake of the Orgy on Lake Minnetonka, Mike Tice has tightened up the Vikings' dress code. I think that's a great idea for two reasons. One, guys in expensive suits don't do anything sexually deviant. And two, the boat went out, an entire orgy ensued and concluded, and the boat was back on shore, all in about 40 minutes. A shirt, tie, and some cufflinks might slow down the nudity process, so they could be a little farther out on the lake before the police are called. And I'd like to take a second here and tell David Stern that with his dress code, he is now thinking along the same lines as Mike Tice and that is not, I repeat, not, a good thing.
And Mort's other tidbit is that he Tice now requiring the Vikings to be on time for team meetings. Strict disciplinarian, that Mike Tice. I like that so much better than the, "Hey, if you're in the area, how about stopping by?" policy.
A whole two passes into the Steelers/Jaguars game, Tommy Maddox has thrown an interception. All that time off really hasn't affected his game, it appears. I'm not so sure that's good news for the Steelers.
We see a commercial for the new video game, "Blitz: The League," which has Lawrence Taylor as a spokesman. The game features things that the NFL would never allow in Madden, like players getting busted for coke, going out and partying, transporting strippers across state lines and paying them to let you do lines of coke off of their tits on Lake Minnetonka, you know... stuff like that. And in a clip of the gameplay, a guy is tackling another player from behind when he rips his helmet off and then swings it at his head. I'm not sure, but I think this game might be a little bit over-the-top.
The waitress who's jonesing for the MJD-love is apparently not in the house today. The waitress we do have, however, is unbelievably hot. I mean, if I heard that the Orgy on Lake Minnetonka broke out because Daunte Culpepper saw this girl and felt he had to do some certain things, I'd just have to say, "Well... okay, sometimes these things happen." She's really got the entire package, and to be honest with you, there's no way that I'm getting out of this Smorgasbord without seeming like a complete sleazebag today.
And here's Tommy Maddox's second interception, about six passes into the game. This was even worst than the first one. He's really taking a lot of the pressure off of Daunte Culpepper and Anthony Wright. They're both checking the out-of-town scoreboard and thinking, "Well, I can't be the worst NFL quarterback today."
Steve Smith is the man. He goes 80 yards for a touchdown, gets to the endzone, and then rocks the football in his arms like a baby. My favorite part is when he motions to quiet down the fans because the baby's sleeping. Classic. I liked it more than the riverdance.
Hey, touchdown pass for Tommy Maddox. Actually, Heath Miller did a lot of the work on that one, but hey, it does count as a touchdown pass for Tommy Maddox. I smell a quarterback controversy in Pittsburgh.
Uh-oh... free shots. The bartender screwed up making someone's shots, and our wood-inspiring waitress has chosen to bring them to us, free of charge. The problem is that no one has any idea what's in them, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it. All four of them go down... and ugh. I'm thinking it was some kind of a nasty whiskey/apple juice mixture, and it was disgusting. Sweet Lord, that was a mistake on my part.
Hey, Anthony Wright is 13/15. I think there might be something to my theory about Tommy Maddox taking the pressure off of him. I think Brian Billick took him aside and said, "Listen, you positively cannot be the worst quarterback in the NFL today, which will be a nice change of pace for all of us. Anthony, you can't even be the worst quarterback in the division. Just let it loose, man."
Tommy Maddox is so bad. Most of his passes aren't even getting close. The commentators are openly wondering who he's throwing these passes to.
I am really regretting that I'm not seeing the Vikings/Bears game right now, because there are probably endless joke opportunities that I'm missing. My man AJ has somehow not heard anything about the whole fiasco, so he asks what happens, which gives me the chance to say, "Imagine you're an 18-year-old kid waiting tables on this cruise, and all the sudden, you turn around and see Bryant McKinnie standing behind you, bucknaked with his rock-hard dick in his hand."
And just to be clear, I have no idea if Bryant McKinnie was on that cruise, but it was the most frightening thing I could think of to say. Really. Picture it.
Chris Gardocki, who has never had a punt blocked in his career, has one blocked. He's punted how many thousands of times, and he picks the week where Tommy Maddox is starting to get one blocked? Poor timing, dude.
I find it odd how someone as unlikable as Peyton Manning can produce such entertaining commercials. Holding up the D-CAF sign as someone serves him coffee... that's inspired. And the part where they show him at the country music concert, doing a line dance and screaming at the guy on stage, "YOU'RE HOT! I LOVE YOU!" is also awesome.
An errant Drew Bledsoe pass sails into the sidelines and pegs a Cowboys cheerleader in the ass, making it the third ball that's slapped against her ass today.
The Steelers are moving the ball on this drive only through Jacksonville pass interference penalties. Considering the circumstances, I think it's a pretty good idea. Send the receivers out, and tell them that if a defender even runs by them, they should hit the ground like they've been shot. I think Bill Cowher went out and hired Vlade Divac to coach the secondary for this game.
Alright, Michael Vick is currently 7-of-18 against a New Orleans pass defense that just gave up 52 points to the previously worthless Green Bay Packers. I know that his rushing yards are nice, but are 47 extra rushing yards worth that? Do you want 7-of-18 with 47 rushing yards, or 12-of-18 with no rushing yards? I'm not saying I'd bench Vick, but I think it's reasonable to ask the question.
Ooooh... Crazy hot waitress rubbing my back. Crazy hot waitress rubbing my back. Ohh, she wants it. I'm going to beat it up like Michael did Billie Jean. Wait. Now she's rubbing AJ's back. Dammit. I am not special. Cocktease.
The Steelers, mired in a close and aesthetically displeasing game, sack Byron Leftwich. AJ yells at the top of his lungs, "EAT FUCKIN' SHIT." That makes me laugh.
Hey, is it just me, or does this Smorgasbord seem inordinately filthy? I'm sorry. I'll try to clean it up. I don't want it to be like that.
Dallas, up by seven, has to punt the ball from their own 1 with about a minute left. They barely get the punt off, and Eli Manning will have 52 seconds to travel 54 yards. Let's see if he can do it.
Well, it took two plays. Stalwart defense, Cowboys.
Meanwhile, Jacksonville has a very reasonable chance to put the Steelers away right here. They're driving at the end of regulation with a chance to get into field goal range.
They don't do it, and Pittsburgh's getting the ball first in overtime. Quincy Morgan unleashes a long kickoff return, getting the Steelers into field goal range, which is nice, since Tommy Maddox isn't about to lead anything resembling an offensive football drive.
And here's a brutal interception, gift-wrapping a victory and politely handing it to the Jaguars. Tommy Maddox did everything there except turn around and block for the guy on his return to the house.
How bad could Charlie Batch possibly be? Bill Cowher just witnessed maybe the worst single-game quarterbacking performance in modern NFL history, and didn't even bother to warm Charlie Batch up. If Bill Cowher is any kind of a reasonable human being, you have to conclude that Charlie Batch goes through every practice drunk. Chris suggests that there are 50 or so NFL quarterbacks that the Steelers could have won with today. I think it might even be higher. If you go through the top two quarterbacks on every NFL team excluding the Steelers, that's 62 quarterbacks. None of them could have been worse. Charlie Batch, and I'm only half-kidding, had to have shown up at Heinz Field on Sunday morning shitfaced. Either that, or the Kordell Stewart era has made Bill Cowher decide that he's never going to play a black quarterback ever again.
The key to beating the Steelers is clearly to hurt Ben Roethlisberger. You know, I'm never glad that injuries happen, but... if Luis Castillo is going to put his helmet into Ben Roethlisberger's knee, why did he have to wait until the end of the game? Do it early, so at least someone can benefit from it.
Chris Weinke steps in for a knocked-silly Jake Delhomme and calmly leads a touchdown drive to beat the Lions. That had to be difficult for Joey Harrington to watch. Weinke, the first guy to ever be nearing retirement in his 3rd year in the league, comes in out of nowhere and does something that Joey Harrington is still incapable of doing. Ouch. If he doesn't feel completely inadequate, he should.
Alright. It's Chargers/Raiders time. I love how Marty Schottenheimer hates the Raiders. I really do. Most coaches, you ask them about the rivalry game, and they say they prepare like they do for any other week, the win is the important thing, etc. Not Marty. He dreams about punching Al Davis in the face, which is something I'd pay to see. All week long, he treats practices differently, he's more fired up, he wants the win more than he wants any other. I love that.
And early on, the Chargers are just making it look easy. Tomlinson is just shredding the womanly Raiders defense. Would it be blasphemous to say that he's like a faster, stronger, Walter Payton? I know I'm as unreasonably biased as Shawn Hannity, but that's what it looks like to me. Watching him run is maybe the most enjoyable thing in sports.
Randy Moss has either suffered a groin injury, or has just decided to get a little bit freaky with the trainer on the sidelines. Moss is laying on his back while the trainer is on his knees in front of him, spreading and closing his legs. I really think that sort of thing should be done in the privacy of their homes. I mean, you don't see Payton Manning and Kenny Chesney doing that in public.
Although you may get tired of reading the joke, I never get tired of yelling "MAZEL TOV!" when Bhawoh Jue makes a play for the Chargers.
These Raiders fans. I just in disbelief everytime I see these douchebags. Do they think they intimidate someone? I've got news for you, fellas. Grown men do not carry lightsabers, okay? There's a name for people who dress up in Darth Vader costumes. It's "trick-or-treaters." Unless your buddy Chewbacca is next to you, you have a bag of candy in your hands, and you're under 12 years old, there is no excuse. Your family is embarrassed by your behavior. I'm sure of that.
Denver has opened up a 14-3 lead on the Patriots, and they've done it in a fairly impressive fashion. Can they really be this good? I think the whole secret may be in Jake Plummer's nasty-ass beard. It somehow shields the Broncos from bad luck, as if bad luck is repulsed by the sheer repugnance of the beard. A Denver collapse at some point just seems inevitable to me. Probably right after Plummer shaves.
Speaking of Jake Plummer, CBS gives us a close-up of him. Says Danks, "Jake Plummer is gross." Chris says, "Yeah, you wanna talk about some guy who does some dirty sexual shit on boats? That's Jake Plummer."
Hank Milligan puts a big hit on a Raider on a special teams play, and then helps him up. I am not okay with that. Hank Milligan should be fined.
I hadn't seen the clip yet, but right after the Jacksonville win, Rashean Mathis did a postgame interview and said, "Oh, we needed this. This win is a statement around the league." What, a statement that you can beat Tommy Maddox? That you can outrun him to the endzone after he hits you in the chest with a pass? Congratulations. Your next "statement" could be something equally impressive, like, "When we get dressed before the game, we don't get no help from anybody. We dress ourselves."
Bhawoh Jue puts a big hit on somebody, and Steve Tasker says something like, "And Jue really hit him hard." This is a rare case of reverse anti-Semitism. Which, I guess you could just call "Semitism."
A Raiders fan is wearing a black t-shirt that reads in big white letters, "THE BLACK HOLE." I think it's rare and a little bit creepy that a person wears a shirt that bears a description of his mother's vagina.
Vinny Testaverde gets in the endzone on a quarterback sneak and then executes the most forced and uncomfortable spike in endzone celebration history. If you gave Maury Povich a football and told him to spike it, that's what it would look like.
Steve Tasker: "You aren't going to find a lot of guys around the league that are going to lose sleep over Bill Romanowski crying." I just became a Steve Tasker fan.
Ice Cube is walking through the Oakland crowd, and in a very Greg Gumbel-esque moment, Gus Johnson refers to him as "one of the greatest rappers of all-time," after he called him "Ice T." Call me crazy, but I get the feeling that Gus Johnson doesn't listen to a lot of rap. And Cube wasn't even that enormously popular... the last time he had a hit was about the same time that Warren Sapp was an effective football player.
Speaking of our waitress's ass, AJ says, "I just want to pet it. That's all I want." Sorry. I couldn't keep it clean for that long. I am who I am. Don't judge.
The Chargers have put away the Raiders, and I'd love to get some help from the Patriots against the Broncos, but right now, they just aren't good enough... and that's going to end the Smorgasbord for the day.
| Comments: |
i thought the same about Jake Plummer...he looks like he came out of a cheap porn
...posted by
epp: 17/10/05 07:17 I can't decide which I liked better -- your commentary on Smoot, Steve Smith or Romanowski, so I posted all three on PigskinBloggers.com.
Loving the SAS,
Jamie
...posted by
mr. irrelevant: 17/10/05 19:07 You crack me up, MJD. Phenomenal stuff. Particulalry liked the Raiders fans bit. And agreed, Steve Tasker gets major cool points. Fuck Bill Romanowski.
...posted by
Jackie Chiles: 18/10/05 19:31 Post a Comment
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