Sunday, October 23, 2005
| Week 07 - 2005/2006 |
Says Michael Irvin on Countdown, "Rumors are swirling that Ray Lewis is not the player he once was." Um, rumors? Hey, I heard a rumor that China was considering a communist form of government, too. Any truth to that one? Great scoop, Mike. To quote my man Lloyd Christmas as he exits an Aspen bar, "No way... WE LANDED ON THE MOON!"
High-definition is not doing ESPN's Andrea Kramer any favors. She's interviewing Red McCombs, and on certain camera angles, I can't tell who's who.
For those of you that might be wondering about the waitress-love situation today... well, they've sent in the B-team of waitresses. But hey, let's face it, MJD is not above a B-level waitress. In fact, anything above the J- or K-levels, and I'll be alright.
Jake Plummer's being interviewed on Countdown, and he doesn't just have a beard... He's been attending the Ricky Williams/Rasheed Wallace School of Beard Management. If they just showed an isolated shot of the beard itself, you'd think you were looking at a collie that just survived an alligator attack in the Everglades.
Sweet, a Peyton Manning Mic'd Up feature. On the way to the line of scrimmage, he's looking at his teammates and screaming, "SHORT OX! SHORT OX!" That's really sweet and all, but I have no idea why's he's repeatedly shouting his pet name for Kenny Chesney at this point in the game.
Jeff Garcia is getting the nod for the Lions today, and I'm not sure if that's good news. I know that Harrington is terrible, however... Jeff Garcia is at like 70% health, and the starting left tackle is playing with a high ankle sprain. Jeff Garcia could take a beating today worse than the one he got from Byron Hadley after he raped Andy Dufresne. I dunno, I just think Mariucci was pressured into making the move by the media and the fans, and I'll be shocked if 70% of Jeff Garcia does a whole lot better than Joey Harrington today. I like the Brownies to get the W.
Just to let you know, I'm terrified of Terrell Owens abusing the Chargers secondary today. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Early in the game, LaDainian Tomlinson can't get off. The Eagles are stuffing the box like their name is Ron Jeremy. They've got a minimum of 8 in there at all times, and they all appear to be good at their jobs.
By the way, Danks isn't here today, but his girlfriend Meghann is. I think you all know what that means... I'm laying the pipe to her in a bathroom stall between quarters.
Chad Johnson catches a TD pass, shoos his teammates away, and does some kind of a dance... it registers as just slightly annoying. I mean, it wasn't bad, but he's set the bar too high. Maximum creativity is now a necessity, or it just comes off as lame. And not only that, but the TD was waved off after review, so the whole dance was wasted.
Hey, Jeff Garcia runs in a TD. Joey Harrington could've run that in, too. Of course... They were inside the five at the time, and I don't know if Harrington could've gotten them to that point. I think Jeff Garcia could be a friend to the Lions. We all need friends in here, right? It was difficult for Garcia to get the starting position, but after he was named the starter, he soaped up his chest and said, "Hard to get. I like that."
Sweet new Gatorade commercial. They've taken three of the most famous plays in sports, Jordan's shot ever Ehlo, Jeter's backhanded flippy thing, and Dwight Clark's catch in the back of the endzone, and somehow digitally edited them so that the they didn't make the play: Jordan misses, Jeter doesn't make the play, and Clark doesn't make the grab. Then, of course, Gatorade is invented and they do make their plays. Very smooth, Gatorade people. I think the Levitra people should do a similar ad and show Daunte Culpepper on the deck of a boat, unclothed, looking down and saying, "Come on... get up, now. Act like you're alive, little Daunte." Then, Levitra is perfected in the lab and they show Daunte with a life preserver hanging from his midsection area.
Again, no Crazy Fish Guy this week. I don't know where the hell he's been... hopefully, he didn't get in too deep with his bookie and end up at the bottom of the river. There's an unsettling void in my life without him around. Hopefully, he's just staying at home because the Dolphins played on Friday. If he's gone any longer, I may start holding a candlelight vigil.
Alright, this is some bullshit. Ike Taylor of the Steelers tackles Chad Johnson, and gets called for a 15-yarder. It was a somewhat unconventional tackle, he kinda gave him a WWF-style back suplex, but you know... ultimately, he just grabbed him and put him on the ground the best way he could. Why was that illegal? I don't see any reason why that should have been a penalty.
On a 2nd-quarter drive for the Eagles, the Charges have decided to celebrate Personal Foul Fest 2005, racking up two of them consecutively. The good news, however, is that I think both of them were attempts to injure Donovan McNabb, a maneuver that I support wholeheartedly.
Terrell Owens hauls in a touchdown for the Eagles. He pulls out his towel, drapes it over his arm, and carries the football like a tray. It's the waiter celebration. I'd find it fairly amusing if I didn't want to also kinda murder him right now. What I noticed, though, is that Chad Johnson had to make an effort to keep his teammates away to do his dance, while Terrell wasn't inconvenienced with such things, as no one wanted to be near him.
Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception, and I yell, "PUT MADDOX IN." Someone yells back, "FUCK YOU."
Alright, there's this douchebag here in a Terrell Owens jersey, but he's got his back towards the TV where the Eagles game is on, and is cheering like hell for the Steelers. Not that I want there to be more Eagles fans here, but it also kind of bothers me that I'm sitting next to this prick who obviously has no loyalty or human dignity. Even the girls at the table are making fun of this tool. Meghann guesses that he's just a fan of the Steagles, the Steelers/Eagles conglomeration that played together during the war in 1943.
Hines Ward catches a TD pass for the Steelers, and then quickly goes to the back of the endzone to mimic Chad Johnson's Riverdance. I appreciate the effort, and Chad Johnson's certainly opened himself up to be mocked, but man... Hines Ward is not a dancer. I love Hines, and he does a lot of things exceptionally well, but dancing... is not one of them. Wow, that was bad. The list of NFL guys that can dance better than Hines Ward includes Peyton Manning, Dan Krieder, and Javon Walker. Andy Reid could produce a more convincing Riverdance, and it wouldn't even be that hard.
Keenan McCardell answers with a touchdown for the Chargers, and then he mimics Terrell Owens' waiter celebration. I am officially getting tired of touchdown celebrations... is there anyone left in the NFL who can score without a premeditated routine? It's not even that I'm philosophically opposed to the grandstanding, it's just getting played out. It's too trendy and tiresome.
Hey, Danks is here. Meghann better get her panties back on quickly.
Mandy, a friend and an Eagles fan, confronts the afore-mentioned cock in the Eagles jersey, but cheering for Pittsburgh. His excuse is that he's got money on the Steelers. You know, I've got no problem with gambling, but... if you're letting it take precedence over your love for your team, then you don't really love your team. Go play some video poker or something, dickbag.
By the way, this cracks me up... Mandy got an instant message from Chris Rix the other day because he saw her on facebook.com and thought she was hot. That just makes me laugh for some reason.
The Steelers are putting their finishing touches on their "Now Shut the Fuck Up" game against the Bengals. Rough day for Carson Palmer... but the Steelers defense has a way of making things hard on quarterbacks. The bad news for them is that if their later matchup against Pittsburgh means a whole lot in the standings, it's hard to imagine the Bengals having a lot of confidence going into that game. They had just gotten over the whole, "We are the Bengals, we are obligated to suck" vibe, so the Steelers establishing that "You are still our bitch" vibe could hurt them. I'm not saying the Bengals aren't good, because I believe they are, but... sometimes a loss is more than a loss. This one was.
And now the Steelers go the rest of the season without playing more than 1 or 2 good teams, and could conceivably run the table.
There is some kind of crazy alarm going off in The Linc. I don't know if the stadium is under attack, or some Jersey prick just bought the loudest car alarm he could find for his Camaro. Maybe he got it in a package deal with the purple glow lights that go under the car. I jokingly suggest that there's been a terrorist attack on Lincoln Financial Field, and Danks rightly asks, "But why would they want to save the lives of Eagles fans?" I'm waiting for Paul Tagliabue to take over the PA system and shout, "EVACUATE THE CHARGERS! If you're wearing a lightning bolt, get the hell out of here! If you're an Eagles fan, though, just stay put."
Paul Edinger has a chance to win the game for the Vikings with a last-second field goal. I think this is the perfect opportunity for Edinger to get some revenge on his teammates for not inviting him to the sex boat party. Here's the plan, Paul: just go out there, shank the kick, roll it, kick it backwards, tackle the holder, do whatever... and then when someone asks you what happened, just say, "Would it have been so difficult to let me have sloppy seconds?"
Okay. A probably game-clinching field goal for the Chargers was blocked and returned to the house, and we are going to lose. To quote my friend Ron Burgundy, I am completely miserable, San Diego.
Here are the next four pages in my notebook, verbatim: ASS COCK WHORE FUCK FUCK ASS BITCH CUNT BALLS NUTS BEAVER LABIA FUCK ASS BEAVER FUCK TEABAG WHORE WHORE FUCK NUTS BALLS ASS CUNT FUCK FUCK ASS DILDOWHORE CUNT BALLS WHORE FUCK LABIA FUCK WHORE PISSFACE FUCK FUCK FUCK WHORE CUNT TWAT FUCK WHORE BITCH FUCK ASS COCK BEAVER CUNT NUTS FUCK DILDO ASS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHORE FUCK FUCK ASS BITCH FUCK CUNT WHORE ASS DILDO FUCK COCKFACE DILDO SHITWHORE CUNT FUCK DONG."
If my scanner was working, I'd have scanned them for you. That was only slightly threapeautic.
I think I'm going to just sit here staring blankly out the window with my mouth hanging open for about an hour. I'm sorry, but it's necessary. I'll get back with you soon.
Phew. Alright. At about halftime of the 4 o'clock games, I'm regaining consciousness. Before I attempt to move on, I'd just like to mention that the Steagles fan who hadn't even watched the game until the Steelers game ended, got up and celebrated like he just made parole. Just a worthless individual. I hate him.
Alright. Here's Mike Tice to get me back in the groove. In his post-game press conference, he says something about the team "heeding (his) warning and staying off the street." I don't think it's the street you have to worry about, coach. No one orchestrated an orgy on a city bus. You need to keep the boys off of the open seas.
I've got an idea for the Ravens/Bears game, and I'm only half-joking about this: outlaw the forward pass. Have a true Turn Back the Clock Day. Don't let anyone punt, move the field goal posts back to the front of the endzone, outlaw the forward pass, and let's just go at it. Would either head coach not agree to this? The fans deserve it.
Alright, I was wrong about Jeff Garcia. I should just go back and edit out my previous comments, but screw it... I'm not embarrassed by my idiocy. MJD gives it to you raw. Garcia completed 22 of 34, and I don't think Joey Harrington could complete 22 passes in 60 minutes if there was no defense on the field. Nice win, Lions. Someday, I want to go to a county fair with Joey Harrington and stand behind him when he tries again and again to win a stuffed animal by throwing the football through the toilet seats, and he just can't do it.
There is no NFL player more afraid of contact than Plaxico Burress. He's an extremely talented guy and makes tough catches, but if there's a hit coming his way, he will turtle. He could be up there with Moss and Owens if he had any balls whatsoever.
Lamont Jordan scores for the Raiders, falls down in the endzone, and then spontaneously decides to turn it into a touchdown celebration. He kind of leans back, sprawls out a little bit, and gives a little Playgirl pose. Not that I know what those look like... it's just... well, I've certainly painted myself into a corner here, haven't I?
Am I the only one finds it a lot less fun to watch Jake Plummer play when he's not throwing interceptions like it's his job? It's just... it's a part of the Jake Plummer experience. It doesn't feel right if he doesn't just shut his eyes and toss one to a defender once every half. It would've been like going to see Andrew Dice Clay perform when he was on his "I'm going clean" kick. You just expect certain things from people, even if they're not such great things. We, as football fans, are being robbed.
We've got a challenge here in the Broncos/Giants game. Jake Plummer may or may not have been attempting to throw the ball. The "tuck rule" could come into play here, which would be awesome, since the guy who hit him is named "Tuck."
While we're on the Jake Plummer roll here, my buddy Chris goes off once again about the sexual deviant that he suspects Jake Plummer to be. I don't think it's true, I think Jake is probably a pretty good guy, but this made me laugh nonetheless: "He's the kind of guy that I can see walking around his house with a robe on, no other clothes, and smoking a Black & Mild."
I can't hear the audio, but Donovan McNabb is giving a post-game interview. If he's a man, here's how the interview is going: "We are lucky. I am not very good. We lucked into a win and beat a team that we are not better than. I will now retire and become Marty Schottenheimer's cleaning lady."
Alright, I may have gone overboard with that. McNabb is good, and should not become Marty's cleaning lady until after he retires. But I don't believe that the Eagles are better than the Chargers. I can't. I won't. I am so sadly and hopelessly bitter.
Sweet. A commercial for the new 50 Cent movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Here's a couple of tidbits for you that might not make it into the movie, which have come to me via an undisclosed source: Someone who grew up next to 50 Cent wasn't allowed to go over to his house when they were young children because his mother was a crack dealer. In addition, 50 Cent stole her brother's bike. Where else are you going to get information like that?
I'm not the kind of guy who leaves games early because of the weather, but... the fans that are sitting through the Bears/Ravens game in this monsoon deserve some kind of a special award. Seriously. No sports team, especially one as unentertaining as the Bears, has any right to expect fans to sit through something that ugly in such terrible conditions. If you're a Bears fan, and you were there, and you stayed... hey, big ups to you, I guess, but your team loyalty might be at an unhealthy level. See a therapist to make sure you're okay.
Phil Simms provides some bizarre kicking analysis that I've never heard before. Elam misses a long one for the Broncos, and Simms says he missed it because he hit the ball too hard, causing it to compress and spin to the right. Um... what? Did Phil Simms enroll at the same online university where Shaq's getting a degree and take a physics class this week? Why have I never heard that before? Is there any chance that it's true? And if not, why the hell is Phil Simms making things up about kickers?
Plaxico Burress just gives up on a route, and I'm not sure if it caused it directly, but the pass was picked off. It looked like he could've gotten there; if not to catch it, certainly to get a hand on it and knock it down. Eli has an exasperated look on his face like, "Hey, make an effort, asshole." And he's right. Plax is quite girly.
Oh, this is not good. Drew Bledsoe throws an interception with the score tied and under 20 seconds left in the Seahawks/Cowboys game. And not only that, but it was returned into field goal range. This is going to hurt, Cowboys fans.
And the field goal is good. Yeah. That'll hurt. I don't think it's as bad as the blocked field goal, mainly because, as Chris pointed out, you can at least pinpoint the sheer idiocy for the Cowboys. You at least have someone to clearly blame.
My pen is running out of ink. Perhaps the four pages of unbridled profanity weren't such a good idea.
We've got quite a finish here for the Giants/Broncos game. The Giants have 8 seconds from inside the five, down six points. A Broncos loss would at least take a little bit of the sting out of the Chargers loss.
And Eli finds Amani Toomer for the touchdown. That felt good until I just realized that I was cheering for Eli Manning. Now I have to go home, punish myself by drinking a bottle of Mad Dog and send Archie Manning some hate mail to make up for it. Until next week...
Late edit: I just saw that happened to the Saints, and I take back all of my bitching about the Chargers loss. They were done in a very dirty way... I feel like I just complained about being hungry and then saw a Sally Struthers in Africa commercial. I am sorry, Saints fans.
| Comments: |
After I read this Smogasbord, I felt funny in my pants.
I'm not sure if the two are related, though.
...posted by
blogmeater: 24/10/05 07:37 I think I heard that comment before while watching The series finale of Dead Like Me
...posted by
Anonymous: 8/12/05 02:02 Post a Comment
<< Home
