Sunday, October 30, 2005
| Week 08 - 2005/2006 |
I walk in to the front room of the bar, and the waitress who loves me comes over and says hello and makes a little small talk. But the games are better in the back room, so I go take a seat back there. And my server today will be a gutter whore in a Raiders jersey. No other kind of woman wears a Raiders jersey. I'm disgusted.
Here's the dilemma about where to sit today. I can sit back here and watch Giants/Redskins, the best-looking game of the 1 o'clock selections. But if I do, I'll be surrounded by about 40 Redskins fans, who will yell "GET 'EM, GET 'EM, GET 'EM" all day long, and about 20 Giants fans, all of whom look like date rapists. But if I want to see this game, I've got no choice.
Danks gets here and the following exchange takes place:
Him: What's our waitress situation?
Me: We've got some dirty hooker.
Him: Why, is she wearing a Raiders jersey?
By the way, I haven't seen Crazy Fish Guy in a month. Danks thinks some bookie may have broken his kneecaps or something. I'm picturing him walking in with casts on his thumbs, and we'll ask him, "Hey man, what happened?" And he'll smile his goofy smile and say something like, "Ah, I got in a little deep with my bookie, and then I took the Saints and the points and let it ride."
They're having a lengthy Wellington Mara tribute before the game at the Meadowlands, concluding with his granddaughter singing the national anthem. My buddy AJ asks, "You think she's legal?"
I can't apologize enough for that.
By the way, 40 grandchildren? Does the Mara family not believe in contraception?
In addition to the Giants and Redskins, the Cowboys are on back here, too. Why are the most annoying groups of fans all in the NFC East? I'm not really rooting for anyone back here, I'm just waiting for other people to cheer and when it begins to die down, I'll yell, "I HATE THE NFC EAST."
Hey, it's a David Carr touchdown pass. I hope his parents had the VCR running. Someone named Mathis catches it, and I don't know who the hell that is. It couldn't be Terrence, could it? Nah... probably more likely to be his son, actually.
And the Brownies quickly answer. What the hell's going on here? They've already eclipsed the total amount of points that I thought would be scored in this game. In fact, they've doubled it. I was expecting this game to be a pain-inflicting ordeal. Still plenty of time for that, though.
The Redskins can't get anything going on offense. They've gone 3-and-out twice already. The Giants defense is fired up, which surprises me, because I know I saw a few of them during the pre-game ceremonies standing on the sidelines with a "Who the hell is Wellington Mara?" look on their face.
But the good news for the Redskins is that Eli Manning is not sharp at all. He's lofting balls up for interceptions about every other time he drops back. One gets picked in the endzone, which the commentators blamed on a lack of effort from Plax. In fairness, since I called him a girl last week, I don't think you can blame Plax for that one at all. Eli threw a balloon ball off his back foot. He just looks off today, like he's playing with a sprained uterus.
Sign being held by a Texans fan: "HELP."
LaMont Jordan scores for the Raiders, jogs over to the goal post, calmly leans and against it, and then leisurely strums an imaginary guitar. I like it... there's some creativity today.
And then someone named Courtney Roby (any relation to Reggie?) scores for the Titans, and does the "I'm Courtney Roby and I scored a touchdown and I don't know what the hell to do with myself so I'll leap and hug the goalposts and fall to the ground" dance. Also creative.
A couple of dudes show up in their Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind Halloween costumes. Oh, they are perfect. This guy even looks like Champ. Ron has a perfect fake mustache. That's outstanding, boys. Nice work.
And I don't know if he's with them, but here comes a Maury Finkel. If you haven't seen Starsky & Hutch multiple times as I have, you might not remember who that is. He's the character that Starsky dresses up as at the benefit where they confront Reese Feldman. "Ooh! Look at these two hot chickens. Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me. Huh. Come on, Do it. Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it." Another great costume.
Kyle Orton is shredding the Lions. At the half, he's like 10 of 14 for 170 yards and a touchdown, with no interceptions. How bad would it suck to be a Lions fan and know that Kyle Orton is worlds better than any QB on your roster?
I haven't seen our Raiders-fan waitress in like an hour, by the way. Just terrible service... though I suppose it's difficult to be an attentive server when you're taking 15-minute breaks every hour to get triple-teamed in the bathroom. If you're a woman, nothing says "I hate myself and I'll orally pleasure you for three dollars" like a Raiders jersey.
It's nice to see a day of football, by the way, where every team is wearing two sleeves of the same color. Who's idea was that? Did Liberace design some football uniforms before he passed away? Baton twirlers have different colored sleeves. Not football players.
But if the Chargers happen to come out later with one gold sleeve, it will be the coolest thing ever.
The halftime show at Texas Stadium has some kind of a scary Halloween theme, and there's a hearse sitting on the sidelines. It might just be me, but I think this is a strange time and place to be having Wellington Mara's funeral.
Eli's having his worst game of the season, and still, the Giants lead 19-0 at halftime. The Redskins look bafflingly bad on offense, which is not something I'd have predicted. Not only because they've been pretty good so far, but also because the Giants D has been so bad.
And that leads me to believe that when you die, if you go to heaven, you get to affect the outcomes of your team's football games. Maybe it only works if you're an owner, though, or really rich. I dunno. But as a tip for all the gamblers out there, if I die, put some lumber down on the Bolts.
The Redskins come out and fumble the 2nd-half kickoff. I guess that's good in a way, just to take away any remaining hope that Redskins fans had. It's better to just start accepting the loss now.
I don't know if this is a Halloween costume, but there's a guy here wearing a jean jacket and cut-off jean shorts. Except for the sheer ridiculousness of it, nothing about it suggests Halloween, I dunno. Either way, nice get-up, Denim Dan.
Wow. Brett Favre has five interceptions. He really should consider retiring... and I don't mean after the season, I mean right now, halfway through the third quarter. Go up to a referee, turn on his mic, and say, "I have five interceptions today. I apologize. I'm not good anymore, and I'm going home to listen to Toby Keith albums and mow my grass. Thank you."
Danks and I just spent a solid five minutes reminiscing about Perfect Strangers. Not the Deep Purple album, the ABC sitcom featuring Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous from the island of Mepos. I loved that show when I was growing up. I did once feel betrayed, though, when Balki was picking NFL games and he was deciding between the Chargers and Bills, and he took the Bills and said, "You can charge and charge and charge, but you always have to pay the Bills." I never felt the same about Balki after that.
The Redskins/Giants game is officially a blowout now. The Giants should start insisting that one member of the front office at least fake their death every week, because it seems to work for them. The Cowboys are pulling away from the Cardinals, and the only remaining close games that I can see are Browns/Texans and Jags/Rams. The next hour or so could be uneventful.
The Browns are down three, and have a 4th and 17 as time is running out. They've got one chance to get a field goal, send it to overtime, and give the people what they want: more Texans/Browns action.
And they can't do it... the Texans get their first win of the year. Say, who do you think is happier with their latest major career decision: Charlie Weis or Romeo Crennel?
Hey, it's CRAZY FISH GUY! Sweet. He appears to be injury-free, but he's a little unkempt. Maybe no one broke his thumbs, but it's possible that someone named Guido just held his head underwater off and on for about 8 minutes. He's not making an attempt to sit with us, though, which is just how I like it. I like to be in the same room with him, but not close enough to make any actual interpersonal contact.
We got some bonus coverage of the overtime battle for supremacy in the NFC North between Chicago and Detroit. 30 minutes of scoreless football here is a very real possibility.
Check that - Jeff Garcia just summoned all the powers of Joey Harrington and Tommy Maddox and completed a touchdown pass to Charles Tillman. Game over, and the Bears are your NFC North division leaders.
And now, a moral dilemma: would it be wrong of me not to tip the waitress because she's wearing a Charles Woodson jersey? I don't know what to do. I might just offer her $4 and see what she offers me in return.
The Chargers/Chiefs game is underway, and Jim Nantz, seeing Drew Brees drop back and throw downfield, describes it as a "throwing play." That's something you expect to hear a nine-year-old girl say.
And LaDainian Tomlinson connects on a touchdown pass to Eric Parker. His career numbers as a QB: 5 of 6, 104 yards, 4 touchdowns. How many NFL teams could use Tomlinson as a starting quarterback? There are at least three in the NFC North alone.
Meanwhile, Denver is laying wood to the Eagles. Total yardage at this point... Denver 160, Philadelphia 4.
Seeing highlights of the Titans/Raiders game... Pac Man Jones had a rough day. I saw two highlights. On one, it looked like Pac Man tried, but was turned inside out and embarrassed by a Jerry Porter fake. On another play, Porter caught the ball in front of Pac Man, and Pac tried to tackle him by mildly brushing his forearm up against Porter's abdomen. That's just embarrassing. I have never seen a sorrier attempt at a tackle. I hate to say it, Pac Man, but if you're going to make all that noise in the off-season, I think you need to at least try. I know I'm old school, but I'd like you to try.
I can't hear the audio, but CBS is showing Eli Manning making some kind of comments at the postgame press conference. Just a helpful tip to Eli... you shouldn't wear your shirt unbuttoned that far down unless you're wearing some kind of an undershirt, or you have chest hair. The sports coat, unbuttoned shirt, and soft, pasty-white flesh look isn't in anymore.
It's 21-3 Chargers, and Drew Brees and Antonio Gates are both looking unstoppable. As nice as it is that we're up 21-3, we have a tendency not to polish off teams when we have the chance. This is going to get close at some point.
We have a new waitress now for the late games, presumably because our first waitress had to get to her Klan meeting, and the new girl is an old favorite. I make an order, and she says, "I knew you were going to say that." So I said, "Yeah? Well, I wish you were wearing a wet t-shirt. Did you know I was going to say that?"
Alright, I made that up. I didn't really say that.
Mike Tice, at a postgame press conference, is discussing Daunte Culpepper's knee injury when he says, "Obviously, I'm not a doctor..." My buddy Chris says, "Hey, really? You're not a doctor? You couldn't make it through med school, Mike Tice? Shocking."
The 49ers, meanwhile, are beating the Bucs, supposedly one of the NFC's best teams. And speaking of the NFC's best teams, the Broncos are just waxing the Eagles. It is now 28-0, though I have a feeling that game will also be close at some point later in the day.
In a special treat for the loyal Saints fans who showed up in Baton Rouge, Aaron Brooks drops back in the endzone, stands there for a few seconds, and takes a needless sack. He was holding onto the ball like he was David Carr with crazy glue on his hands. Man, Aaron Brooks makes some of the dumbest plays you'll ever see.
Ed Hochuli is making his calls in complete sentences today. For example, he isn't saying, "False start, #75, offense." Instead, he'll say something like, "The player for the Chiefs committed a false start. There will be a penalty of five yards, and it will be second down." Ed reeeally likes the camera.
I'm waiting for his next call, which will sound something like, "The noble gentleman representing the Chiefs of Kansas City was guilty of an egregious infraction. His firm, masculine hands wrapped around the jersey of the player representing the Chargers of San Diego, and this is in violation of Code 17-A in Section 14 of the official NFL rulebook. Laymen refer to this infraction as "holding." The infraction will result in a penalty of five yards. Thank you for your attention, ladies and gentlemen. This has been Ed Hochuli, and I wish you all a good afternoon."
Oh, man. Shawne Merriman just absolutely trucked Priest Holmes' head. You may see hits that look bigger and better on camera, but there was something particularly violent about that hit. Priest is out with what they're calling, "mild head trauma."
Late addition: Continuing with the odd-things-refs-say theme, the ref in the Bills/Patriots game, and I'm not making this up, said that the Patriots committed an "unnatural act, uncommon to the game." What the hell did this man do? Who is this penalty on, Najeh Davenport?
The Chiefs have closed it to 21-10 and are in scoring position. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. It's too bad, because it's making this game longer and I need to get home soon to prepare for my "Vampire Bats" movie-watching party.
Antonio Gates scores a manly touchdown to give the Bolts a little bit of breathing room. Meanwhile, the Eagles have gotten to within 7 of the Broncos.
Hey, why does Gunther Cunningham wear shooting glasses? He's got the yellow-tinted glasses, the headset on... did he just get off the shooting range? When I look at him, I can't help but think he's about to yell, "PULL!"
Nice sign in Baton Rouge: "FORGET THE ALAMO."
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh no! Someone named "Devoe" scores for the Broncos, probably putting that game out of reach. That guy is Poi-soooooooon.
The Saints just lost a 21-6 thriller to the Dolphins, and any fan base that the Saints may have built in Baton Rouge has probably just been destroyed.
Late addition:I want to mention that when I got home, I read on ESPN.com about the guy who jumped on the field during the Packers/Benagls game, took the ball out of Brett Favre's hands, and ran 50 yards before being tackled by security. Something this significant happens, and I don't get a highlight of it? Not once, all day? I understand that the NFL doesn't want to show things that could be detrimental to the sport of football, but... hey, they show Lions games every week. Those aren't doing the game any favors.
| Comments: |
Him: What's our waitress situation?
Me: We've got some dirty hooker.
Him: Why, is she wearing a Raiders jersey?
ROLF!!!
...posted by
smokeyg: 30/10/05 22:05 man, you owned that waitress.
redskins sucked it.
and why no comment about your pen running out of ink?
...posted by
: 2/11/05 17:20 Yo MJD
This post is in reference Patriots/Bills game, where ESPN just could not stop talking about Teddy Bruschi and showing 15 replays from 10 different angles on that missed tackle.
I thought you had mentioned it on either ur blog or here on smorgasboard. Disclaimer: I think Teddy coming is great and all, and I hope he truly is not in any danger healthwise. However, ESPN needs to calm down. Here's a parody of ESPN's telecast Sunday Night. For those of you who watched the game, it should be pretty entertaining.
http://eod.liquidviewer.com/wgr-od/wgr/20051031_bruschipbp-1.wma
...posted by
Anonymous: 3/11/05 11:07 Post a Comment
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