Sunday, November 06, 2005
| Week 09 - 2005/2006 |
A full hour before any games have begun, some Browns fan is banging on the table and screaming things like, "GO BROWNS" and "BRAYLON EDWARDS VERSUS PAC MAN JONES, BABY." Usually, emotion like that is reserved for fans of teams that have a chance to accomplish something. And what he's expecting to get out of the Braylon vs. Pac Man showdown, I have no idea. It's not quite like Jerry Rice vs. Rod Woodson in their primes.
Danks won't be joining us today. Why, you ask? Because Danks is a skirtbag and has had his testicles surgically removed by his girlfriend, that's why. He got roped into watching the Steelers game with his girlfriend's family. I hope he's miserable the entire time. I'm getting him a plaid miniskirt and fuck-me-boots for Christmas.
Bad news. I am sitting roughly four feet away from a girl who I'm guessing is about 7. I just don't know what to do here. Well, I know what to do... I just can't curse. But I don't like it. I'm in a bar. This is a place where adults go. I mean, I don't go to a preschool and ask them to stop drinking Juicy Juice and watching Spongebob, so don't come to my bar and ask me not to curse. But as bad as it might suck, the fact remains that she is within earshot, and I've got to shift into Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl.
MJD's stone cold leadpipe lock of the week: Vikings over Lions. I know that picking against Joey Harrington on the road leaves me on a pretty sturdy limb, but I've got a feeling that the Vikings are going to play well this week behind Brad Johnson.
We see a commercial for Tom Brady's appearance on 60 Minutes tonight, where he's talking about how he won three Super Bowls and still felt unfulfilled, like there was something more for him in life. Well, I hope there is. I mean, it's football. No matter how good you are at football, nothing you do on the field does anything to help anyone with the real struggles of life. I would hope that no one ever won a Super Bowl and thought, "Okay. That's it. I've accomplished enough in my life as a human being. Time to pack it in and spend the rest of my days getting liquored up and womanizing, because I've done my part for humanity."
The new Big Man Dance Contest commercial is nice. Three big-ass Chicago Bears in their "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts... who doesn't enjoy these? Sure, I saw the Chiefs/Patriots commercial about 82,000 more times than I needed to, and it was a little too lame and a little too white. But the concept is tremendous. What I'm saying is that the NFL Network needs to make this a reality. Anyone over 270 pounds is eligible, and I'm putting my money on Marcellus Wiley.
The same douche Browns fan that was pounding the table earlier comes over and offers to buy two cigarettes from my man AJ for a quarter. That's a complete douche move, right? I'm not a smoker, and I don't understand smoker etiquette, but if you want a smoke, just ask for one. Don't insult a guy with a quarter. At least make it a full buck. You're the idiot who forgot cigarettes, you can overpay for some smokes.
Other than the Chargers and Jets at 1 o'clock, check out the roster of other games I can see: Detroit/Minnesota, Jacksonville/Houston, and Cleveland/Tennessee. You couldn't handpick three uglier games.
Early on, the Chargers offense is a well-oiled machine. There are times when the Bolts look positively unstoppable. Usually, those times are called "the first half." LaDainian Tomlinson nearly just dropped Ty Law to his ass without laying a finger on him. It wasn't even fair what he did to poor Ty. TD Bolts.
On the ensuing kickoff, the Jets bring it back near the 50, and we have Failure #1 of Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl.
CBS gives us a shot of Luis Castillo's mother in the crowd, just as she's getting a tall cold one from the beer vendor. Outstanding, ma'am. It would be a bit of a stretch to call her a physically attractive woman, but I do admire her tremendous reproductive system for spitting out what looks to be an excellent defensive tackle. I just yelled, "TREMENDOUS UTERUS, MISS CASTILLO."
And another Titans DB manages to embarrass himself this week. I'm not sure who it was, but it wasn't Pac Man. Dennis Northcutt, who is apparently still alive, caught a pass, and the Titans dude tried to tackle the football, failed miserably, and then watched Northcutt cabbage patch to paydirt. I think, as a joke, someone sent Jeff Fisher a forged league memo that said it was illegal for defensive backs to record tackles, and I think he fell for it.
CBS is overloading us on the promos for a made-for-TV movie called "Category 7," about a giant hurricane that hits the United States. And as my man Chris wonders... is this the best time for such a movie? You think we might want to wait a little while on this one? There may be some people in America who are still a little sensitive about hurricanes. I mean, you don't show "The Crying Game" to a friend of yours who just accidentally hooked up with a dude.
Nate Burleson hauls in a TD pass from Brad Johnson and emulates Daunte Culpepper's stuttering traveling violation endzone dance. That's sweet and all, but let me put forth the idea that if Daunte was healthy, not only would there be no need to be honoring him with an endzone dance, but there'd also be no way that Nate Burleson's celebrating in the endzone right now.
And now, for some reason, we are discussing what it might be like if Mike Tice and Daunte Culpepper had sex. This, I can't explain, but I'm going to share my thoughts with you anyway: that would be a lot of beef moving around. I'd hope that everyone took their Dramamine.
Some ugly weather is passing through the area, and satellite signal has been knocked out. We're in the dark. If it lasts much longer, I'm going to get everyone in the bar organized in a game of Ring Around the Rosy. The seven-year-old girl next to me liked the idea... see, I'm great with kids. The winner will get a pretty pink dress out of Danks' wardrobe.
Audio has been restored on the Chargers/Jets game, just in time for Quentin Jammer to record a pass interference penalty because he didn't look back at the ball. I am openly disputing the call, despite the fact that I saw nothing but a blank screen. Sometimes... a mother just knows.
CBS puts a text update on the screen that says Terrell Owens has not been suspended, he's just been made inactive. Immediately afterwards, they show a quote from Dan Marino saying something about how Andy Reid should superglue TO's lips shut. That was important. I needed an update on that. I need to know when Dan Marino says something a 7-year-old might say. Thanks, CBS.
And speaking of 7-year-olds... we are up to 4 failures in Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl.
Every time I look up at the Cleveland/Tennessee game, Reuben Droughns is ripping off a nice gain. Would it be legal for Jeff Fisher to throw the red flag and demand a breathalyzer?
Oh, we've got a new waitress. It's my girl. She loves me, I can just tell. She says, "If you guys need anything, just yell at me. Seriously, yell. You can be like 'Bitch, get over here!'" I think this will be a nice preview for her of what our life will be like when we're married.
The Chargers, quite predictably, have let the Jets back into the game. The Chargers having lost 4 games is not a coincidence. The loss to the Eagles, I'm still calling a fluke. But in losses against Dallas and Denver, and even the win against KC, we took a lead and then just refused to put those teams away. If we lose this, it's not bullshit, it's not bad luck, it's because right now, that's who we are.
Shawn Merriman has five sacks on the year, despite not playing very much at all in the first three or four games of the year. Physically, this man is a beast. He's like a younger, perhaps a little stronger, lighter-skinned Lavar Arrington who doesn't, to my knowledge, have a chess room or a full suit of knight's armor.
My waitress/imaginary girlfriend is now flirting with someone else at another table, and unfortunately, he is much better-looking than me. It's a good thing we have such an open relationship, or I'd get up and slap both of them right now. MJD keeps his pimp hand strong.
Brooks Bollinger has entered the game, and has resumed his Wisconsin Badger form. He's unstoppable right now. He looks like John fucking Elway. Is this really Brooks Bollinger? Come on... someone's pulling a joke on us. That's John Elway back there.
LaDainian Tomlinson is stopped for about a loss of two, and some idiot Jets fan yells, "YOU AIN'T NO CURTIS MARTIN, BOY!" Ah, New Jersey. Fine people there.
The Chargers, up by 5, with a third down in their own territory, cough it up on a Drew Brees fumble. I am not comfortable with this. Failures #5, #6, and #7 of Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl have just occurred. I am so sorry, little girl.
And I'm starting to hate this Jersey prick behind me... silent before the game, silent while his Jets are getting hammered, but now that they've found a little success, he re-assumes his rightful Jersey persona of loud, drunk, irritating prick.
4th and goal at the 3 for the Jets, 59 seconds on the clock, they're down five. Says Dick Enberg, "this may be the game." It may be? Under what circumstances would it not be the game, Dick? Take your ass back to Wimbledon, old man.
QUENTIN JAMMER HAS HUGE BALLS. Chargers win, and I'm looking around the room giving the "Shhhh" gesture to the Jets fans. Shhhhh, Jersey bitch. Shhhhh.
Alright. The Chargers are done. I think I can stop corrupting the young lady now. But you know, the more I think about it... believe me, I'm not proud of myself, but if daddy is callous enough to make her sit in a sports bar all day, chances are the daddy's dropping some f-bombs around the house. Before the day's over, this little girl will have spent about 7 hours in a sports bar, so I'm guessing that daddy won't be winning the father of the year award. I'm not saying what I did was okay... but when she's in need of major psychotherapy in a few years, it's not going to be because MJD called Brooks Bollinger a cocksucker. That's all I'm saying.
In for the Green Bay Packers at running back... Samkon Gado. The first thing I thought when I heard that name: That's a bad motherfucker of a name. The second thing: Who the hell is this guy? And the third thing: I bet Peter King makes a goofy comment about his name tomorrow.
And hey, Charlie Batch goes the entire first quarter without throwing an interception. That's gotta be considered a upset.
Woops. On the first play of the 2nd quarter, Charlie Batch throws a picture-perfect interception. No Steelers were even in the area.
And before I forget it, just let me mention how bitter I still am that Charlie Batch somehow came in 2nd in the Leaf vs. Manning debate. If you'd have told me at the time that Charlie Batch would still be around in the NFL so many years later, and Ryan Leaf would be out of the league... I'd have called you a liar, punched you in the stomach, ran away and then cried for about four hours.
And just staying on the Ryan Leaf theme for a minute... young Brady Leaf threw a touchdown pass for the Oregon Ducks yesterday. If he does go on to have a nice college career, would anyone have the balls to draft him? What if he hired his brother Ryan as his agent?
Oh, my waitress/girlfriend just called me "sweetie." She is the one for me... we are so in love. She almost made physical contact, too.
Man, Tiger Stadium is empty. The one in Detroit is only slightly more empty than the one in Baton Rouge right now. That's a little bit sad. But considering the display that the Saints put on for the fans last week, and that a lot of fans are probably afraid of being assaulted by Tom Benson... it's somewhat understandable. A little sad to see, though.
First and goal at the three for Green Bay. The next three plays: false start, false start, fumble taken the house by Pittsburgh. Vince Lombardi would not approve. It's probably not fun to be Brett Favre at the moment. Or anyone else in Green Bay, for that matter.
OH, and she just called me "baby." "Sweetie" might have been a friendly coincidence. "Baby" is a sign that my affection is being reciprocated. I am so gone. We are going to be so happy together. I might mount her right here on this table.
And I really wish I hadn't said that out loud right next to a young girl. Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl can now be termed a complete failure.
With 2:52 left in the third quarter, the Steelers complete their first pass of the day to a wide receiver. That's not good. But at the same time, Charlie Batch has just one interception. He's bad, but he's not Tommy Maddox bad.
My waitress/girlfriend comes by and says, "Can I get you anything?" Yeah, what you can do, sweetheart, is go home and pack up all your things and move in with me tonight. Let me take you away from your life of serving chicken wings and cheap domestic beer. Actually, wait... I have no desire to take her away from that, cuz I kinda like that stuff. But yeah, just go to my house, put on a Tomlinson jersey and get ready to be ravaged. I will share you only with Crazy Fish Guy.
Samkon Gado, we're told, shakes the hands of all of his linemen after every drive and thanks them for giving him an opportunity to run. That's a pretty cool thing to do... I want to hang with Samkon.
The Steelers and Giants have both managed to slowly put away their opponents. It's kinda sad watching Brett Favre go through the post-game handshakes and ass-pats. Because everyone loves him, everyone respects him, and everyone wants to be nice to him... but he's got that forced smile on his face that says, "Thanks for being nice and all, but I don't want to be admired, I want to win, and I can't, and it hurts." Hang in there, buddy. We all know you didn't say those bad things about Warren.
New Orleans and Chicago, which I can't make myself watch, is tied with just a few minutes left. I don't even care who wins, and apparently, no one in Baton Rogue cares, either. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner and the Cardinals are down 14 points to the Seahawks with 4:32 to play. A comeback is unlikely, but as someone once said, "Through Him... all things are possible."
Turnover. No they aren't.
Until next week...
| Comments: |
Haha... y'know, that's the first time anyone's ever called me that. I am apparently much hornier in print.
And you won't believe me, but it's not because she's that hot (not that she isn't), but it's because she's incredibly nice...
...posted by
the mighty mjd: 6/11/05 22:29 To piggyback your observation of the Cardinals/Seahawks game, there's no better feeling in the gambling world than to have 4 of 5 teams covered in a parlay and the only way you can lose the final game is if Kurt Warner leads a 4th qtr comeback...
...posted by
insomniac: 7/11/05 00:02 "My waitress/imaginary girlfriend is now flirting with someone else at another table, and unfortunately, he is much better-looking than me. It's a good thing we have such an open relationship, or I'd get up and slap both of them right now. MJD keeps his pimp hand strong."
Ahahahahahahaha
...posted by
: 7/11/05 00:21 Great stuff. There is nothing hotter than a chick in an LT jersey.
...posted by
NFL Adam: 7/11/05 08:54 You're at your best when writing about the waitresses at the sports bar. At some point, for the sake of your readership, please take one out, write a column about it, send her the URL and then post her reaction.
...posted by
mr. irrelevant: 7/11/05 10:54 But at one point does that waitress from the bar (who looks great while downing Coors Light) turn into the Brunette from that Panthers cheerleader story?
...posted by
NFL Adam: 7/11/05 12:14 He is NOT allowed to date the waitress. If that happens, the imaginary wall breaks down and we will be disappointed to read she is a real human being. Right now she is a goddess. Let's keep it that way.
...posted by
blogmeater: 8/11/05 07:27 A+ on the Danks comments. I went to school with him K-12 and never knew he had potential to be so pussy whiped.
Keep me updated
KW
...posted by
BoxSox33: 8/11/05 12:12 Post a Comment
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