Sunday, November 13, 2005
| Week 10 - 2005/2006 |
Anyone else getting a little annoyed with Tom Jackson on ESPN's Countdown? He just gets so perturbed when anyone disagrees with him, and he gets this look on his face like someone just stole his cookies. He seems much happier and much more comfortable on Primetime when he's alone with Berman. When Steve Young and Michael Irvin say something he doesn't like, he gets a look on his face like, "I wish you guys weren't here so Chris and I could be alone because we work well together AND DAMMIT I LOVE HIM SO PLEASE JUST LET US BE TOGETHER."
And I would be extremely proud to start a Chris Berman/Tom Jackson gay rumor that developed some legs and spread a little bit.
Danks has a nice suggestion for the Eagles to solve the Terrell Owens problem. Tell the players union to drop their grievance, welcome him back to the team, and just have someone break his leg in practice. Find some practice-squader, give him about a $5000 payoff, and tell him to go at TO's knees until he needs to be carted off. Everyone wins. And as an added bonus, Hugh Douglas might walk into the training room afterwards, accuse him of faking it, and whoop his ass again.
My buddy Kevin shows up today. It's a rare appearance for him because he's married, has two kids, and various other adult priorities that still seem kinda repulsive to me. He's the kind of guy that when he gets out to a strip club, gets those crazy eyes and becomes completely unpredictable. It's nice to see him out.
Apparently, some road in Louisiana somewhere has been renamed the "Terry Bradshaw Passway." Standards for roadway-renaming must have really fallen. All you have to do is play football hundreds of miles away and then parlay that into a career making a complete dickbag of yourself on Sunday mornings. If Terry Bradshaw can get a Passway, Ryan Leaf should at least be able to get a turning lane or a yield sign named for him somewhere.
Alright. Time for mjd's stone cold lead pipe lock of the week... but sadly, I don't have a real strong feeling about any of the four games I'm seeing. Patriots/Fish, Cardinals/Lions, Ravens/Jags, and Giants/Vikings. I'm tempted to go with the Vikings, but I'm not that confident about it. Screw it, let's go against Joey Harrington again. The Cardinals are my lock.
By the way, I find myself feeling oddly fond of the Cardinals. I've probably mentioned it before, I can't remember. I don't believe in having "second-favorite teams," but it does make me smile when the Birds pick up that rare W. They're just so non-threatening. When they get good, I'll stop feeling that way... but for now, they're like a harmless little puppy dog. They're so cute.
And just because there are no 7 year-old girls in the vicinity today... FUCK FUCK FUCK... COCK.
By the way, not much action in the waitress department today. We have a very good waitress, and she's an attractive woman, but she seems interested only in bringing me food and beverages. Of course, that's the case with every single one of them, but with her, it's even difficult to pretend. I can't explain it. She's probably a lesbian.
Alright, that was wrong. I'm sorry.
Jeff Feagles is about to boot the 1400th punt of his career. That is a staggering number... I mean, that's Ripken-esque. If you punt 8 times a game, which would be a lot, that's almost eleven full seasons. This guy has done some serious punting... and has played on some very bad teams.
Joey Harrington finds Roy Williams in the back of the endzone for a touchdown, and then goes sprinting up the field to find Roy. He just looks shocked that he completed a pass in the endzone. Hell, Roy Williams looked shocked. Harrington ran up there screaming, "DID YOU SEE THAT? I THREW THAT! I THREW A TOUCHDOWN PASS TO YOU, ROY! NO ONE EVEN HELPED ME! HOLY SHIT!"
Oh, and Mike Tice goes down hard. That was not pretty. Don't get me wrong, it's hilarious that someone just plowed into Mike Tice's big goofy ass, but for a second there, I thought he was joining Daunte Culpepper in the gooned-up knee club.
There's no waitress action, but it appears to be Whore Day here in the bar. It just seems like every girl in here is dressed for a Girls Gone Wild audition. I think the fact that the Giants are winning has brought more Jersey douchebags to the bar, and in turn, they've attracted the Jersey skanks. If the Giants don't start losing some games, someone in this bar is going to get VD.
In the span of about two minutes on the different TVs I can see, Heath Evans, Cory Schlesinger, Jim Finn, and Wes Welker all make plays. To quote a pimp named Drexel... "They must've thought today was White Boy Day."
A Chris Chambers TD catch gives the Dolphins a 7-0 lead, and this has effectively ruined Danks' life. Like all Boston sports fans, it doesn't take much to get him to off the deep-end with the "woe is me" stuff. All the sudden, Bill Belichick sucks, Tom Brady sucks, the entire Boston sports scene is in the shitter. Also, he just broke his cell phone.
Right before the half, Adam Vinatieri is about to kick a field goal... and the Dolphins call a timeout. What are you going to do, ice Adam Vinatieri on a 30-yard field goal attempt before the half in a November game against Miami? Yeah, good call.
And... he did in fact miss it. I am dumb, and Nick Saban is smart.
Seeing some halftime highlights of the Chicago/San Francisco game... the wind there is nasty. If there was ever a game where the forward pass should be outlawed, it's this one. You could play this one 7-on-7 on the fastest track in the Arena league, and you'd be lucky to get 200 passing yards between the two teams. With those two teams in that wind... well, I hope the fans brought books to entertain themselves.
My lead pipe lock of the week isn't looking so hot. Arizona trails 19-3 at the half, while Joey Harrington has 16-of-23 for 160 yards and a TD. For that, I have no explanation.
And for some reason right now, we're discussing what we would choose if we had to pick between having sex with a goat, or having sex with a guy. I think it's a great question to ask, because we're all faced with this decision so many times in our lives. For the record, I'm going with the guy. You do a guy, and you can at least tell yourself that you're adventurous and open-minded, and hey... not to flatter myself, but I might be able to make some money in the process. And maybe I'd get lucky and end up with LaDainian Tomlinson or something. You do a goat, and you can't be anything but a complete pervert... and goats don't pay for sex.
You know, there was no good reason for that last paragraph. I'm considering deleting it.
I think Assante Samuel just recorded the hit of the year. Ricky Williams was positively dropped in his tracks, and I don't think I've seen a harder hit this year. And Ricky gets some love for popping right up from it.
In Week 10, the Cardinals just recorded their first rushing touchdown of the year. That's just beyond sad. How does that happen? Shouldn't that be the kind of thing that gets someone fired? Running the football is so fundamental and crucial. It's one of the building blocks of basic football strategy... I mean, I don't expect everyone to be the Steelers, but no rushing touchdowns in 9 weeks? Unacceptable.
I'm not sure what Tom Brady's numbers are, but every time I look at that game, he's throwing an errant pass. He's just off. I smell a quarterback controversy.
The Vikings somehow have the lead on the Giants, despite not having scored an offensive touchdown. There's a Vikings fans here that's screaming and bouncing around the room like he just had a cheeseburger with a side of crack.
Alright, Joey Harrington just threw his third TD pass of the day. What the hell is going on here? If you tell me that Joey Harrington has 3 TD passes, I'm going to assume that it took four weeks to get them, and he racked up 11 interceptions in the process. Cardinals... come on, have some pride. No rushing TDs in 9 weeks, and now you've given up 3 TDs and not picked off Joey Harrington once? That's the equivalent of an NBA team, three months into the season, never having attempted a free throw and now, they're giving up a 50-point night to Jake Voskuhl. The lesson to be learned here is that you can't, under any circumstances, make the Cardinals your stone cold lead pipe lock of the week.
Hey, by the way, what do you have to do to get a "horse collar" penalty called? I've seen it done about a dozen times this year, but it's never called. What exactly is the rule there? Do you actually have to place a saddle on a guy?
You know, I keep expecting the Patriots to man up and put the hammer down on the Dolphins, but it isn't happening. They might win... but the Dolphins are getting some things done against them. Gus Frerotte is going wild, and Tom Brady isn't his self. It's just kind of odd. The Patriots can't do what the Patriots do anymore. It's like seeing Ali with Parkinson's.
The Giants get a late TD and a two-point conversion to tie things up, and some idiot Giants fan in the back of the room stands up and yells to the loud Vikings fan, "WHO'S TALKING NOW, YOU FUCKIN' FAGGOT." What a big, wet vagina... the Vikings fan wasn't talking any smack on the Giants, he wasn't disrespecting any players or any Giants fans, he was just loud in supporting his team... and this Jersey douche can't handle it. Weak. I just hopped on the Vikings bandwagon.
The Green Bay/Atlanta game has gotten underway, and we don't have audio on it. The camera shows Samkon Gado, and then shows some random white guy in the crowd. My buddy Chris says in jest, "That's his dad." Samkon Gado has to be one of the darkest men on the planet that doesn't currently live in Africa. If that guy was his dad, I can't imagine how black the woman would've been that he nailed. As my man AJ says, "Grace Jones would see that bitch and be like, 'Damn, she's black.' "
CBS has an annoying new habit of showing quotes from their pre-game shows in little blocks during the games later that day. I can't think of more blatant example of shameless self-promotion. If the quotes were poignant, or amusing, or newsworthy, it might be one thing, but it's things like, "Marino: The Colts are good enough to go undefeated." or, "Esiason: I wake up screaming with nightmares about having to sit next to a rapper on an airplane," or "Sharpe: I wish it wasn't so hard to form complete sentences."
Oh, terrific. The 7 year-old-girl is back. She's not within earshot, which means I don't have to go to bed tonight hating myself, but... why is she back here? She's not enjoying herself. You don't take little girls to smoke-filled bars full of drunken, horny, unshaven, profanity-machines.
Looking at some early-game stats... Paul Tagliabue apparently named today Shitty QB Day. Kyle Boller missed the memo, but Gus Frerotte, Joey Harrington, and JP Losman all made worthwhile contributions today. And in case you're wondering about Cody Pickett and his 1-of-13 performance, he doesn't count, because he has to work his way up to being a Shitty QB. If it's ever World League Caliber QB Who Also Used to do Rodeo Day, Cody will fare much better.
The Vikings eek out a W in regulation... and the idiot Giants fan in the back is sitting there silently. Sadly, some skankishly-hot Jersey hooker is comforting this prick, and on his way home, he's probably going to get a blowjob in an old Camaro while listening to Bon Jovi.
Michael Vick is 9-of-10 on the day thus far. Apparently, sissy bitch sessions are good for a young man's confidence.
Oh boy, this is nice. This is a special treat. A waitress is cleaning the table in front of us, and she has tiny little shorts, and they are pulled up one side... and that's a pretty good portion of ass being displayed. Under different circumstances, right now, I'd be taking a single and folding it in half the long way. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Just to get it on the record... I'm not proud of myself.
Mark Brunell just made one of the best throws I've ever seen... and I'm not exaggerating. He was running at nearly a full sprint, stopped, threw across his body, which was moving in the wrong direction, a perfect strike, 40 yards down the field. I'm not sure everyone appreciates just how great Mark Brunell is playing right now. He's one of the Top 5 QBs in the league right now.
Also, Brooks Bollinger did not get the Shitty QB Day memo. I think he just went a stretch of six passes with four of them being interceptions, with one of them going to the house. I don't even think the Jets are playing that poorly. I mean, they aren't good enough to beat the Panthers, of course, but with decent QB play, this would certainly not be a blowout.
Hey, it's Samkon Gado's birthday. I don't know how he did it, but he's become one of my favorite NFL players in a very short period of time.
God has just punished me for my impure thoughts about waitresses. This woman I just saw in the stands at the Raiders game... I think she was the most frightening women in the history of the planet. I'd rather watch John Madden and Bea Arthur go at it doggystyle than see this woman ever again. She looks like the mother of Sarunas Jasikevicius after having about 9 more children... that same day. And she was wearing some kind of black tank top, chains, and a mullet that was sparkling white. Not like old-person hair white, but like Iceland snowstorm white. I can't unsee her. This hurts. I am feeling physical pain.
Looks like the Redskins are about to get a nice road win at Tampa Bay... and it's a win they needed, because the rest of their schedule is brutally difficult, and it's going to be hard for them to make the playoffs.
The only other game left that looks to be still in question is Green Bay and Atlanta... and wait, Samkon Gado just put that one away. When it gets down to Weeks 16 and 17, and the Falcons are trying to not be a wildcard team, how bad is it going to hurt that they lost at home to Green Bay when Michael Vick had a pretty big day?
And I'm an idiot for drawing the curtains on that Redskins/Bucs game, apparently. I'm just not paying close enough attention. The Bucs scored to tie it up.
OH, but the Redskins blocked the extra point. That's a pretty nice way to win a game...
...except they cheated. Offsides Redskins, and they'll kick again.
Oh no they won't. Chris Simms is back under center and they're going for it... and ALSTOTT DIDN'T GET IT.
Or... Yes he did. The Bucs lead by one now, and that was a pretty ballsy call. Dick Vermeil may have revolutionized the way coaches call games in situations like that, and I'm not even kidding. Other teams are going to think about it now more than they would have in the past.
But Brunell still has 58 seconds. Just pretend like they're the Cowboys, Mark.
Ah, he can't get it done. But that was a hell of an ending... I'm surprised that Joe Gibbs is alive to be honest, with you. How someone goes from the sheer boredom of professional left-turning to an exciting NFL ending like that and doesn't suffer some sort of major medical catastrophe... that's a mystery.
And on the way out of the bar, we see a couple of parents who have brought in a damn THREE year old. What the hell's going on here? It's still not cool to take kids to bars, right? Did I miss some kind of a meeting about that? The kid can barely walk... if he's older than four, I'll wax Norv Turner's Ford Taurus. You just don't do that. I mean, if you're R. Kelly and she's 12, that's one thing... because she's at least going to get a golden shower home video to take home as a souvenir. But this is different. Something's got to be done about this. The next kid I see here, I'm kidnapping.
| Comments: |
Something about the Goat/Guy conversation makes me think this blog is published in West Virginia.
No mention of the 108-yard-missed-fieldgoal return?
...posted by
: 14/11/05 05:14 I've read every SAS that you've published on this site, and that may be my favorite edition yet. Although I can't believe that Crazy Fish Guy wasn't around for Pats/Dolphins. I actually am concerned that he's laid up with two busted kneecaps or something.
...posted by
: 16/11/05 11:20 Post a Comment
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