Monday, November 21, 2005
| Week 11 - 2005/2006 |
Looks like it's going to be a pretty light crowd today. We might have this place all to ourselves. I stroll in and start rearranging tables, and my girl, without me even asking, brings me a glass of ice water. I thank her, and she puts her hand on my back and says, "You're welcome, love." Love, she says. I feel tingly. For our wedding, remember, candlesticks always make a nice gift. Maybe you could find out where we're registered... maybe a place setting or a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two.
And she touches me for the 2nd time in 10 minutes. There is nowhere for this day to go but down. God, she is beautiful. And she stands in stark contrast to the filthy waitress in the Raiders jersey who keeps walking by me and smells like sweaty prison cock.
Oh, but color me wrong... this day can get better. CRAZY FISH GUY IN THE HOUSE. I'm chatting with my soon-to-be babymama when Crazy Fish Guy rolls over and interjects himself into the conversation. She politely asks him if she can get him anything to drink, and he tells her no, that he's gotta go "hit the head." Hey, save your filthy sailor talk for your own imaginary waitress girlfriend, pal. I love her. I love her like Tom Hanks loves Meg Ryan in... well, in any of those damn movies.
Crazy Fish Guy just leaned close to me and said, "I don't know where your Patriots fan buddy is, but I kinda hope they lose today," through a disturbing cackling laugh. I'm uncomfortable. He also told me that he doesn't know if Gus Frerotte is starting today. I ask about their back-up situation, and he says something about "that God-darn Rosencrantz."
My boy Pat is joining us today, which is a rare treat. But he's new to the scene, and makes two major breaches of etiquette in his first five minutes at the table. First, he shakes Crazy Fish Guy's hand and says, "Hi, I'm Patrick." I did not want to know Crazy Fish Guy's name. It's Harry, by the way, if you're interested... and Crazy Fish Guy is 100% Harry. You'll just have to trust me on that one. Anyway, Pat's also flirting with my girl. He doesn't know it yet, but I am going to kill him in his sleep.
Anyway... there's actual football on today. My leadpipe lock of the week is Baltimore. They hate Pittsburgh, they're playing at home, and they definitely believe they can win this game with Tommy Maddox under center. The Steelers are also without their starting left tackle, which is not good. Also, Tommy Maddox is starting for Pittsburgh.
Here are the three things I know for sure that Crazy Fish Guy has money on: the Rams giving 9 to the Cardinals, the Dolphins getting 3 at Cleveland, and the over in the Steelers/Ravens game. I have money on Crazy Fish Guy slapping around a prostitute if he loses 2 or more of those. We'll track these throughout the day.
Hey, why do the Panthers still have Steve Smith returning punts? Steve Smith is the franchise. If he gets hurt, the Panthers become very ordinary. If you have to, hire a homeless guy to stand back there, wave for a fair catch and then get the hell out of the way. Do not risk the franchise.
Crazy Fish Guy, after heading to his seat in the back room about 10 minutes ago, makes a special trip back up to tell me that Sage Rosencrantz is in fact starting. Sage Rosenfels is going to be crushed.
Oh, I just remembered. I've got another leadpipe lock of the week. There is no way that Cincinnati is beating Indy today. Cincinnati is pretty good... but they're not quite as elite as they believe they are. This will be their 2nd chance at a coming-out-party game, and it will be the 2nd time that they fail.
The downside of going against Tommy Maddox as your leadpipe lock of the week is that it means you're depending on Kyle Boller to beat him. Kyle throws his first interception of the day. The color guy is talking about Boller's "internal clock" being off. That's true, but his "external arm" is also a bit of a problem. Timing doesn't matter if you're missing your receiver by 7 yards.
Speaking of interceptions, Jake Delhomme's just thrown his 2nd of the day, both of them to Nathan Vasher, who breaks off a little hula dance. Nathan Vasher wants to go to the Pro Bowl.
Tommy Maddox completes a pass for positive yardage. Yes, this is newsworthy. My chant of "M-V-P" isn't catching on, however.
My girlfriend has started calling other people at the table "baby." If this doesn't stop... well, I'm not saying that I'm going to stop loving her. But I will begin to love her less like Tom Hanks loves Meg Ryan, and more like OJ loved Nicole.
Alright, this is a little bit of a problem. A dude just walked through here wearing a Tony Stewart football jersey. Tony Stewart is a racecar driver. He does not play football. You don't see me walking around in a Julius Peppers wrestling singlet, do you? You've got to keep it within your sport. If you want to support Tony Stewart, fine... but be a man and wear a one-piece flame-retardant fire suit.
For some reason, there's a record crowd in Baltimore today. Was it "crack dealers get in free" day in Baltimore? Is Tommy Maddox putting asses in the seats?
TJ Duckett has cultivated an interesting look. His head is shaved, yet he has a scraggly, unkempt beard. He looks like the rare African-Amish American. I think this could catch on.
An update on Sage Rosencrantz: He is 5-of-7 for 14 yards and an interception. Guildenstern is going to be so disappointed.
How Tommy Maddox has yet to throw an interception is baffling. You know, Bill Cowher never lets Ben Roethlisberger throw this much. But Tommy's on pace to throw it about 30 times. And he isn't just missing receivers... He is not getting close to them. It's as if he's dropping back and just throwing it to an area of the field where there is no purple. There may not be a Steeler in the area, but there are no Ravens, either. It's a bold new strategy.
Update on Crazy Fish Guy's bets: the Cardinals are leading the Rams at the half, it doesn't look like Maddox and Boller are going to even approach the over of 37, and things aren't looking good for the Fish, either. A bargain prostitute is definitely getting hurt tonight. Hopefully, Crazy Fish Guy stops at a slap in the face and doesn't start swinging a lamp at her or something.
NICE. Flava Flav is in a Miller Lite commercial. It's solid. Not spectacular, not the best you'll ever see... but good. Understated. I am never unhappy when Flava-FLAV! is involved.
Here's that Tommy Maddox interception that the kids have been clamoring for, and it's going to the house (I refuse to say "pick-six," by the way). It's called back, however, as the Ravens were offsides. I'd feel a lot better about my leadpipe lock of the week if the Ravens weren't such fuck-ups themselves.
You know, this Bucs/Falcons game looks like its pretty good. It's a see-saw battle, the lead is changing hands, it's being played at a high-level... and somehow, I can't take my eyes off of the snuff film that is the Ravens/Steelers game. I don't know why I choose to hurt myself.
By the way, my man Danks is in the back sitting with Crazy Fish Guy. The Patriots are on in the back, Danks was by himself, Crazy Fish Guy was by himself, and sparks flew. Judging from a distance, they look very happy together.
Alright, Bill Cowher has lost his mind. Not only is he letting Tommy throw the ball around like he's Dan Fouts, but he's making some bizarre decisions. The Steelers had a crucial 3rd and inches. They needed it. I know their quarterbacks are hurt, but they're still the Steelers, right? They can still grind out a few inches on the ground, can they not? But on 3rd down, Cowher puts Randle-El under center and runs the option, which has always been very successful in the NFL. On 4th down, he lets Tommy drop back and take a sack. I think he's hired Mike Martz as a consultant. If the Steelers lose, Bill Cowher can feel free to blame himself for that sequence.
Hey, it's a Bam Morris sighting. He's doing an interview with a Pittsburgh TV station sometime this week. It's nice to see you, Bam. I'm sorry that you became a, you know... drug dealer and all. I guess keeping it real went wrong.
With 13:39 to play in the 4th quarter, Tommy Maddox has thrown 25 times. His approval rating in this bar is hovering somewhere in-between Osama and Adolph Hitler. I'm the only one who doesn't want him dead, and I'm only cheering for him because it amuses me. It's so bad that Steelers fans want Antwan Randle-El in the game, a guy who hasn't played quarterback since college. Of course, most Steelers fans have wanted that to happen all week long, because, you know... being an NFL quarterback doesn't require any practice or study or anything like that.
Hey, Kyle Orton... I like you and all, but in the NFL, if you want to have a beard, you have to be able to connect the mustache part to the beard part. That's just the way things are.
Waitress breasts against the back of my shoulder. Waitress breasts against the back of my shoulder. Waitress breasts against the ba--ohhhhhhh, that was fantastic.
And the Steelers tie the game behind a nice drive engineered by Tommy Maddox. That really happened. Overtime is a real possibility now... which means that a tie is also a real possibility.
The Bears hold on to get the W against Carolina. Is it possible that the Bears are really that good? Let's examine. Good defense? Yes. Defense that makes plays and can score on their own? Yes. Solid running game? Yes. QB who doesn't turn the ball over? Well... kinda. Kyle has 10 interceptions on the year, which isn't a huge number, and 5 of them came in one disastrous game. They might be that real.
After a crazy turnover where the ball went off Hines Ward's hands, then his feet, and then into the hands of a diving Terrell Suggs, Matt Stover gets Baltimore the win with an overtime field goal. By the way, Terrell Suggs, you suck. You're like the 18th person to do Ray Lewis's spastic dance either in tribute or mockery of him. You know, if these teams were just a little bit better, this game could've been a tie. But, things as they were, one team was going to screw up just badly enough to let the other team win.
Danks has rejoined us as the Patriots have eeked out a win over the Saints. Danks looks like a guy who just spent three hours with Crazy Fish Guy. I'm concerned for his well-being. Anyway, in their precious time together, Danks got to know a little bit more about Crazy Fish Guy. As it turns out, Crazy Fish Guy is an engineer. But not the kind who designs bridges and buildings and things of that nature... Crazy Fish Guy drives a train. That is perfect. Man, I hope he wears overalls and a big puffy hat to work everyday.
My girlfriend's shift is over, so she counts up her tips and then asks me if I want her to go spend that money on something frilly and crotchless at Victoria's Secret. I say yes, and then we spend the next half hour making love in the back of Danks' van. When I come back, it's already starting to look like none of the afternoon games are going to be close. Seattle is beating San Fran 17-6, Denver leads the Jets 17-0, Indianapolis is up 11 and scoring like John Holmes, and the Chargers have opened up a small 28-3 lead over Buffalo, which puts them on pace to win about 42-39.
Drew Brees, by the way, is 16-of-17 with 177 yards and three TDs.
Before moving on to the afternoon games, let me congratulate the Cardinals for their 38-28 win over the Rams. That's how the Birds roll, and it makes me happy, even if Crazy Fish Guy did take a bath on that one. He probably needed a bath anyway.
In the 2nd quarter, the Colts have 35 points and have scored a TD on every single possession. That is bad news for just about every team in the AFC, the Bengals in particular. Of course, the Colts haven't done a lot to stop the Bengals, either, so... perhaps there is hope.
The Chargers, by the way, are retiring Lance Alworth's #19 today. When you see people wearing a #19 powder-blue throwback, and you ask yourself, "Hey, who the hell is #19?", that's him. Now, he kinda looks like an angry Dick Vermeil.
The Bengals have clawed back to within 1. They're still not stopping anyone, but they're scoring like hell, too. I don't really like games with this much scoring. It's kinda like watching porn. It's just too much, all at once. There's no reason to overload your senses like that.
There's a girl in the bar here who's pretty hot, and she's wearing a #84 Steelers Jerame Tuman jersey. Backup tight ends have traditionally gotten so little respect from the hot chick community. This is nice to see.
Brandon Lloyd is displaying some amazing hands today. He's really making some amazing grabs, which, I suppose you'd have to when your quarterback is Ken Dorsey.
Now we're discussing who would win a fight between my buddy AJ and Nate Kaeding. I have my money on Kaeding, because he is a thugged-out gangsta from the Iowa streets.
I think he'd whoop damn near anyone. Look at him. He's a stone-cold killer. You know that movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'? It's about Nate Kaeding's life.
Chad Johnson, proposing to a cheerleader... well done, my man. Not only is it a crafty touchdown celebration, but also an endorsement of interracial dating. I'm mildly surprised that it didn't draw a reaction similar to the one in Blazing Saddles when Bart asked, "Where the white women at?" If you score next week, I dare you to re-enact the honeymoon on the sidelines.
By the way, I couldn't have been more wrong about these afternoon games. San Fran isn't going away, and Seattle is struggling with them. Colts/Bengals continues to be close. Perhaps there will be more tension than I anticipated. It won't, however, be coming from the Chargers/Bills game, as the Chargers have a slight edge in total yardage, 424-158. Looks like we're actually putting a game away, too. Even Michael "The Burner" Turner has a TD for the Bolts.
Fox gives us an update letting us know that Tony Stewart won a NASCAR thing, despite not winning the actual race. AJ, who's been bitter all day because the Steelers lost and because Nate Kaeding could whoop his ass, starts screaming something about how he loves the orange car. He doesn't even know who Tony Stewart is.
The Colts, behind a touchdown from... I dunno, someone... have pushed their lead to 45-34. Meanwhile, San Francisco has an opportunity to tie the game with a two-point conversion... but it was not to be. San Francisco deserves a lot of credit, though. They might not be very good, but they do fight. They're not an automatic-win pushover for anybody... which is a huge compliment to them, considering that they start Ken Dorsey.
Reggie Wayne hops on an onside kick attempt, and that's all she wrote for the Bengals. It's hard to know what to make of that game. The Colts won, they are still undefeated, and they scored a ridiculous amount of points. But could it be that their defense is still vulnerable against good teams? It's at least a glimmer of hope for the other contenders in the AFC.
| Comments: |
The Ravens had a record crowd because their fans suck and sold all their tickets to travelling Steelers fans. Too bad the Convicts managed to pull one out.
...posted by
: 28/11/05 13:06 Post a Comment
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