Sunday, November 27, 2005
| Week 12 - 2005/2006 |
The TV guy has stuck the Chargers/Redskins game in the back room, which means I won't be seeing any of the Bucs/Bears game, but instead will have my eyes on Bengals/Ravens, Rams/Texans, and 49ers/Titans. Those are three very disgusting games. I'm starting to think that those commercials are right, and Sunday is for bowling. It's going to take a Chad Johnson miracle for me to get any enjoyment out of those monstrosities.
On NFL Countdown, they're asking if the current Bears defense is as good as the 85 Bears D. Um... what? Even Peter King would hear that and be like, "bullshit." Hey, I'm impressed by the Bears and all, but... congratulations, you're shutting down the Vikings, Packers, and Lions. Those teams have one good quarterback between them, and he's throwing interceptions like it's his job, and is doing so with a fully gray beard. In fact, the two best QBs in the division might by Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman. 85 Bears? Let's just slow down a little bit. Michael Irvin is the only one in the studio who points out the absurdity of it.
Fox continues with their "NFL's Sexiest Man" voting, which is now being hosted by Jillian Barberie, just so Terry Bradshaw doesn't look so gay. I think it's too late to save face on that one... they should just rename the segment "Who Jillian Barberie wants to fuck the most this week." Now, I don't know Jillian Barberie, but from her wardrobe and her on-air personality, I'm voting her Most Likely to be a Cokewhore.
I've decided that CBS's pregame show is the weekend equivalent of The View. No individual among either of the groups displays any reason at all to like them. They all think they're way smarter and funnier than they actually are, and they don't do anything but waste your time. Shannon Sharpe stars in the role of Starr Jones, while my man Doug insists that Dan Marino is the Elizabeth Hasselbeck of the group.
Feel free to make fun of me for knowing who's on The View. I am a woman.
Back on Countdown, they have a touching and emotional feature on Tedy Bruschi. Says my buddy AJ, "Fuck that, I want to see his wife."
MJD's leadpipe lock of the week: The San Francisco 49ers. I've been impressed with their scrappiness. For a team with no chance to accomplish anything, they play hard. And the Titans kinda suck.
Jamal Lewis has told the coaches he wants 20 carries this week. I admire that. I really admire a guy with the burning desire to crack that 40-yard barrier.
On a 3rd down in Redskins territory, the Chargers attempt a Tomlinson-to-Brees pass. Redskins linebacker Marcus Washington breaks up the pass, and then starts celebrating like he won American Idol. Congratulations, douche, you just covered Drew Brees. Pack your bags for Honolulu, winner.
Hey, how is Jose Cortez a 49er now? Isn't this like his 8th team of the year? There's no limit on that? I think he just likes collecting jerseys. He's like the Chris Chandler of kickers. Only Hispanic.
Kyle Boller is redefining the word "suck." He's not just a bad passer... today, he is struggling with the basic functions of the quarterback position. You know, things like dropping back, handing off, moving his arms... he's struggling with those. Normally, I think people who say, "Hey, I could do that well" are morons, but... today, if they're watching Boller, they might have a point. The Ravens have -6 passing yards.
I am way outnumbered by Redskins fans here. There's about 12 of them, and of course, I am the only Chargers fan.. But still, I think if you add up the cumulative IQ scores, I believe the Charger fans here will beat the Redskins fans.
Jamie Martin has been concussed. You know how when someone takes a shot to the head, and the trainer gives them that little test to see if their eyes can follow a pen or a finger from side to side? Jamie Martin is failing miserably at that one. The finger was way on the right side, while his eyes were still on the left. About a second later, they quickly go to the right. I hate to laugh at someone's injury, but... well, that was kinda funny.
NICE. Here's my Chad Johnson entertainment. He goes to the corner of the endzone, puts the ball down, yanks out the pylon... and them calmly putts the football with it. I rank this one pretty high.
The Texans have taken a 24-3 lead over the Rams. I don't know what's more surprising... that they're up 21 on the Rams, or that the Texans have scored 24 points. The Ryan Fitzpatrick (who the fuck is Ryan Fitzpatrick?) era is not off to a brilliant start.
Oh, Ryan Fitzpatrick is that dude who went to Harvard, which pretty much means that he has nothing in common with anyone else in the NFL. Do you think Harvard had an equivalent of the 7th Floor Crew, where they found some bitch, took her up to room 715, and 6 or 7 guys read Shakespeare to her and then made her watch as they thumbed through an L.L. Bean catalog?
Commercial for the local news: "Why is a local high school showing hardcore pornography in the school auditorium?" I don't know, but... I went to the wrong high school, apparently.
Kyle Boller's performance gets more embarrassing with each second. I can't figure out what it is about him that would make anyone think he is a good quarterback. He's tall, he's built well... and that's about it. That is where Kyle Boller's similarities with other NFL quarterbacks end.
The Redskins have taken a 17-7 lead on the Chargers. Ugh. We are not playing well. We're just not sharp at all... Drew Brees is missing throws that he almost never misses, and balls are bouncing off of Antonio Gates like he's Kenny Chesney's chin. If we lose this game, this is the end of our season. I hate you, Jamie Mottram.
With the Ravens down 31-0, Derrick Mason catches a TD pass and a couple of Ravens fans here explode in mock celebration. One of them looks over at our table and says, "You're JEALOUS."
The Rams, behind Ryan Fitzpatrick, have gotten back into the game. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the Texans have remembered who they are. Anyway, it's 24-17.
And at the same time, the Ravens have somehow gotten it back to within 2 TDs. That is truly odd. There has been nothing but Bengals domination all day long. With 12:00 to play, the Ravens need just two scores.
All 3 49ers QBs are sitting together on the bench, looking at something with a coach. CBS has the conversation mic'd:
Coach: You see this guys? When the safety creeps up like that, you have to be read that quickly and take advantage over the top.
Cody Pickett: I can't read.
Coach: I don't mean read like a book, I just mean--
Alex Smith: Hey, what's a safety?
Ken Dorsey: I see what you're saying, coach. I just can't throw it that far.
Cody Pickett: YEEEE-HA!
The Bears, I'm told, just polished off the Buccaneers, which means that the Bears now have a very reasonable chance to secure home field advantage in the NFC. That is a bizarre sentence. Congratulations, Bears... that is a big ballsy win on the road.
This female Ravens fan just saw a close-up of Kyle Boller on the sidelines and screamed, "LOOK AT HIM, HE'S A LITTLE BITCH."
Oh, LaDainian, you beautiful man, you. He broke off a long run to tie the game for the Chargers.
Man, this Baltimore girl is hammered. Doug just made some smart-ass comment about the Ravens, and she looks over and slurs, "Why you gotta be so painful?" I replied, "I apologize, he's an asshole." And then she slapped my hand and said, "We're all friends in here."
Drew Brees threw a terrible interception, all but handing the game to the Redskins. What the hell is with him today? This one was terrible.... this drunk bitch wouldn't have attempted to make that throw. We're done.
Drunk Baltimore Girl: "KYYYYYYYYYLE BOLLLEEE-EEEEE-ERRRR... OVERTIIIII-IIIME... OVERTIII-IIME." A delicate little flower, she is not.
John Hall, a 52-yarder to win it in regulation... nope. Thank you, John Hall.
By the way, the 49ers, my leadpipers, have let me down. You probably shouldn't take my leadpipe locks all that seriously.
Oh, and how about we just beat the Redskins in two plays in overtime? One was a screen that Antonio Gates took for about 30 yards, and the next was a Tomlinson run to the house where he put a nasty stiff-arm on someone without breaking stride. Winning at Washington is not an easy thing. This one was huge.
And here comes Giants punter Jeff Feagles to break the NFL's Ironman record. 283 straight games. So, who's more impressive... AC Green and his Ironman streak, Cal Ripken and his, or Jeff Feagles and his? AC Green, I'm ruling out, because he had all that sexual energy pent up that he needed to get out somewhere. Playing basketball was a matter of survival for him. Feagles vs. Ripken... I know he's a punter, but with each of the 283 games he played, there's been a chance that someone would absolutely maul him. In terms of actual energy expended per game, Feagles and Ripken are about even. But I'd say that Feagles assumed a far greater risk of injury with each time he took the field. And I don't think Feagles ever hurt his team by playing at less than 100%, and Ripken probably did. I'm going with Feagles.
You know what? Let's just go ahead and make this Antagonize Jamie Mottram Day at the Smorgasbord.
I'm experiencing some Samkon Gado resentment. He got too popular too fast, and you know what? He went to Liberty College, which is Jerry Fallwell's school. I don't know if they share any common views, but... even the suspicion is enough to irk me. I've disliked people for far sillier reasons.
Kevin Curtis takes a screen pass 54 yards to the house for the win... Be ashamed, Texans. You are not good football players.
Drunk Baltimore Girl just went to the ATM for more money. She is fucking housed. Her hair is all scraggly, her eyes are glazed over and sunken... she's a mess. Basically, she looks like Baltimore. And now, her and her friend are ordering shots.
Joe Jurevicius hauls in a manly touchdown grab for the Seahawks. I think he's about the most underrated receiver in the league. He's oft-injured, and he doesn't put up huge numbers... but he's got sure hands, he runs good routes, he is deceptively athletic and he comes up with big catches.
The Cardinals game doesn't come on until there's 3:00 left in the first quarter, just in time for us to see Byron Leftwich getting carted out of the stadium. This means the Cardinals have a chance... which is very good news for the Chargers. LET'S GO BIRDS.
You know, if I was that kind of guy, I'm pretty sure I could take Drunk Baltimore Girl home and... well, she'd pass out before she could consent to anything, but I'm pretty sure she'd be OK with me molesting her in her sleep. If I was that kind of guy.
Which I'm not. Probably. Well, we'll see.
The Giants have five false starts on one drive. Apparently, the Seattle crowd is getting buck wild. I'm putting the odds at about 50/50 that Peter King makes some kind of joke about the coffee in Seattle having people wired.
Drunk Baltimore Girl keeps it rolling. Watching a commercial for cholesterol drug Vytorin, she bellows, "This commercial's so BORING... why do they even play it? 'Oh, my cholesterol's so high!' STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT!" On another TV, they showed a Ravens highlight. "HE'S FUCKIN' GARBAGE! We know the Ravens lost already, GET OVER IT."
Also, Danks' girlfriend Meghann just offered Drunk Baltimore Girl and her friend a ride home. Drunk Baltimore Girl's friend said, "Yeah, we might need a ride," right before offering to buy Meghann a shot. It's like she's determined to be in a car driven by a lush tonight.
Oh, Bubba Franks took an ugly hit. His head/neck area kinda got balled up and twisted. Not good. He's down, and they're putting him on one of those stretcher board thingies with a neck brace. Drunk Baltimore Girl as she sees the replay of Franks getting hit: "YEEEEAH, FUCKIN' DAWKINS." Danks is sure that we could all get blowjobs tonight.
Bubba Franks is being wheeled out. Drunk Baltimore Girl: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..." She's just yelling to make noise. This is awesome.
Brett Favre is currently 1-of-10 for 23 yards. On a 2-win team. Quite sad.
Eli Manning throws to Jeremy Shockey in the endzone, and Shockey gets absolutely lit up by Marquand Manuel. Whether or not it's a touchdown is a very close call. This one's up to the interpretation of the refs. If he rules for the Giants, it's a great play by Shockey to hang on to it, if he rules for the Seahawks, it's a great hit by Manuel.
Drunk Baltimore Girl, out of nowhere: "KYLE BOLLER IS A FAG," followed by some unintelligible mumbling.
Jacksonville scores on a kickoff return, and about 4 of the Cardinals appeared to be trying on the return. Neil Rackers actually had the best shot at him, which is fitting, since Neil Rackers is the Cardinals best defensive player.
Hey, good news... Bubba Franks is fine, and he will fly home with the team.
Reno Mahe is doing just about every dumb thing that a punt returner can do. He's fumbled, he's stood there and watched as the punt's coming at him, and then refused to either catch it or get out of the way... I don't know what he's thinking. He's like the Kyle Boller of punt returners today.
Drunk Baltimore Girl stumbled out of the room to go to the bathroom, and she's been gone for like a half hour. She may be passed out on the toilet. I may go stick my head in the bathroom door and run some game on her.
Joe Juervicius makes another studly touchdown grab, and the Seahawks are up one.
JJ Arrington for the Cardinals makes his endzone leap at about the three-yard-line, and is stopped at the two. And his dive was such that even if there was no defense, he'd have landed at about the one-and-a-half. That was the sorriest attempt at a TD dive that I have ever seen.
The bouncer just came back to get Drunk Baltimore Girl's friend. Something happened somewhere. I need to know.
It is the Joe Jurevicius show in Seattle. Following a Shaun Alexander TD run, the Seahawks push their lead to 8. Dick Stockton keeps talking about how the Giants need two scores to force overtime.
The Cardinals have gotten themselves back in the mix. They've got about 1:50 to score a TD and tie it up.
And in Jaguars territory, Kurt Warner scrambled to his right and stood there and waited for the second coming of Christ. He waited patiently, but it didn't happen... He was eventually nailed from behind, fumbling the ball and costing the Birds a chance at the upset.
Hey, I was wrong about Drunk Baltimore Girl. She never made it to the bathroom. In the front room, she fell down and knocked over three barstools. She was then unable to stand up. Her friend took her down to the car and put her in the back of the van, and now she's back up here drinking.
Amani Toomer makes maybe the best catch of the year, and after a 2-point conversion pass to Shockey, we're tied up.
Brett Favre, needing to engineer a touchdown drive to beat the Eagles, throws one of his patented, "Screw it, I don't have time for a whole drive, let's just throw this one up and see what happens" throws, and it is intercepted. But it was called back due to an Eagles roughing the passer call. Smart play, Eagles.
Jay Feely misses a kick to win the game in regulation. As he was kicking it, Jeremy Shockey was looking at a sideline camera, pointing at it and dancing in celebration... and then Feely missed. It's not breaking news or anything, but Shockey's a fucking douchebag.
Brett Favre makes another of his patented, "Screw it, I don't have time for a whole drive, let's just throw this one up and see what happens" throws, and it is, once again, intercepted. This one stands. Eagles win.
Dick Stockton keeps saying that the Giants have won eight in a row, which is nowhere near accurate. I think he's shitfaced.
Jay Feely with a 2nd chance to win it for the Giants... again, he's short. It's probably not a lot of fun to be Jay Feely right now.
The officials are choosing to review about every other play in this overtime period. As it approaches midnight on the east coast, the ref runs to the booth to review the play, runs back to midfield to announce that he's reviewing the play, and then runs over to the booth to actually start reviewing the play. I hate him.
Feely again... misses again. After two opportunities, I felt bad for him. Blowing three, though... fuck him.
Now Josh Brown has a 27-yarder to ruin Jay Feely's life... and it's good.
| Comments: |
God Bless Ravens fans.
I was at the Redskins - Bolts game yesterday. Upper deck was about half full. You will never find a less knowledgeable fan base than that of the Washington Redskins. Constantly heard throughout the day...
"C'mon. Get em Get em Get em."
and...
"You gotta get points. C'mon, you gotta get points."
After the game, the following conversation was heard in the bathroom....
Skin fan No. 1 - "I'd give anything for Marty back. We gotta get rid of Gibbs."
Skin fan No. 2 - "I know. I wouldn't mind Norv either."
Skin fan No. 1 - "And Portis...he's just not the running back for this team."
Skin fan No. 1 - "Tell me about it. I think this was my last game of the year."
Lukiedookie (wearing blue and yellow) - "Wow."
Skin fan No. 1 - "Screw you. How many super bowls you got? WE'VE GOT 3."
Simply an amazing experience. Go Rams next week.
...posted by
lukiedookie: 28/11/05 05:06 I also had a good laugh at Shockey's face when he realized the kick was missed. You can't make this stuff up.
...posted by
The Armchair Quarterback: 28/11/05 09:14 Couple of things:
1. Shockey is a fly that feasts on a turd. One of the best moments of football this year came not from a play on the field, but from the moronic Shockey celebrating the field goal miss of his own kicker. I hope the Cowboys stick it to the Giants this coming Sunday. Remember when Shockey called Parcells a Homo in SI? Shockey talks the talk and he walks the walk… the elephant walk. Sometimes he does a solo elephant walk. Still, he manages to slip, and must often switch thumbs. ...so much so, it is believed he does this on purpose.
2. WTF is up with Rev. Jesse Jackson ? Aren't there more egregious violations occurring where he could stick his illegitimate love child bearing self into? Oh, yeah, I guess even though TO signed a contract, made a complete ass of himself, caused detriment to the team, fought one player, threatened the rest of the team, that his suspension WITH PAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! is a violation of his civil rights? WTF the MF is still getting paid! If I could go into my job, threaten my colleagues talk to the media about how they suck, then was sent home with a paycheck for the rest of the year, I would donate part of my check to send Jesse Jackson video tapes of the news showing footage of real violations and suggest these are areas that might better deserve his attention.
7th floor crew for Prez
7.F.C rox
...posted by
: 28/11/05 10:26 For anyone reading this who doesn't recognize the name Jamie Mottram ... congratulations, you are not a dork.
I'm Jamie and host a show called Sports Bloggers Live and maintain a few blogs (Mr. Irrelevant, Pigskin Bloggers, etc.).
Anyway, we're all huge fans of MJD, and I'm thrilled to have been mentioned in the SAS. It's the best column/blog thing of the week.
...posted by
mr. irrelevant: 28/11/05 19:16 I assume that the lack of waitress comments means you're over your imaginary girlfriend syndrome. I hope you are, cause this could be your future:
http://garfreed.blogspot.com/
Please note, I'm not making fun of him, just letting you know of a possible MJD future.
You rock
...posted by
Rob: 29/11/05 06:25 There just wasn't a lot of waitress action this weekend... my girl wasn't there (I think she was probably at home knitting me a sweater). There were a couple of cuties, but they didn't seem down for any MJD love.
As for the website you linked to... point taken. I've been warned.
...posted by
the mighty mjd: 29/11/05 08:46 Yo, what's up? Love the site man, hilarious. Sorry to have to break it to you but Shaun Alexander is a better back than LT. Let's go Seahawks. I would love to see a Superbowl matchup that goes back to the old AFC west Seahawks vs Chargers (Hawks will beat that ass) I think that both teams will whoop on the Colts. It's kinda wierd I can actually like the Bolts now that we are no longer in the same Division or conference for that matter. -Peace 1
...posted by
Black: 2/12/05 12:30 Post a Comment
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