Sunday, December 04, 2005
| Week 13 - 2005/2006 |
My girl is here, but she isn't our waitress. Our waitress is the skanked-out Raiders fan, only she isn't wearing her Raiders jersey this weekend, so I guess I won't demand that she not be allowed to touch my food. Meanwhile, my girl is over there calling some other guy "baby," and acting all friendly. I think I might have to kill this man. My buddy Nate has a knife. I'm thinking about it.
NFL Countdown (which sucks without Michael Irvin) is doing a little piece on the 71-year-old Brad Johnson. I'm just wondering how a team like the Vikings goes through a training camp and a quarter of a season and they can't spot that Brad Johnson is better suited to QB the Vikings than Daunte Culpepper. Seriously, I'm wondering. I'm not even going to begin to imply that I know something more than Mike Tice does. Maybe something like that just isn't visible. I dunno. Or maybe the Vikings just went with the guy who runs the fastest and throws the hardest.
OH, CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY. That Nextel commercial is back. The ones with the guys dancing to "Push It," when the other guy comes in and asks them some questions... you know what I'm talking about. I laugh every damn time I see it. God bless you, Nextel. I've also adopted the arms-motionless-at-my-side dancing technique.
Here's Crazy Fish Guy. He asks if our table is full, and I tell him yes, and he says he's going to just sit down until other people show up, and then he'll leave... which basically means that he'll be sitting here all fucking day. I love the man like a father, of course, but I can only handle him in small doses.
Crazy Fish Guy is asking us who we like in the late games, and Danks and I are advising him to go with the Cardinals. He starts talking about Kurt Warner and ends up telling me, "Some days you're up, and some days, you're down." I'm getting life lessons from Crazy Fish Guy.
By the way, the Cards are also my lead pipe lock of the week.
And now my girl is sitting with someone else. Apparently, she has decided that we need to see other people. She hasn't even come over and said hello to me. This is starting to feel like a very one-sided relationship. Later, I will punch her in the uterus to straighten her out.
There's a guy here in a Bill Romanowski jersey. That's an interesting look. That's about the same as walking around the bar carrying a sign that says, "I AM AN ASSHOLE. I HAVE NO REDEEMING QUALITIES." A Romanowski jersey... who does that? If you want to wear a #53 Romanowski jersey, fine, but having "CHEATING RACIST DOUCHEBAG" put across the back instead of his name.
As predicted, two of my friends are forced to sit at another table. Crazy Fish Guy is still here. He is one of three things: 1) a liar, 2) oblivious to the world around him, or 3) really lonely and in need of some company. 3 is most likely.
JP Losman is currently 3-of-3 for 107 yards and 2 TDs, both to Lee Evans. Careful, Buffalo. You don't want to use up the rest of JP Losman's touchdowns this year, all in one quarter. Pace yourself a little bit.
Dolphins punter Donnie Jones just pounded Bills return man Roscoe Parrish. Absolutely lit him up. He was the last one back, and refused to be embarrassed by a typical weak-ass punter tackle. He brought the lumber.
Dan Dierdorf tells us that it physically hurts Ben Roethlisberger to hand the ball off. I start yelling "OUCH!" every time he turns around and gives the ball to Willie Parker. But seriously, if you're a Steelers fan, aren't you a little bit concerned that Ben Roethlisberger's joints seemed to be composed out of the stuff that McDonalds uses to make their drink trays? Maybe it's bad luck, maybe it's too early to say, but he appears to be... fra-gi-le. Must be Italian.
Christmas Story reference there. Sorry. 'Tis the season.
Alright, JP Losman has thrown his third TD of the quarter to Lee Evans. This is flat-out weird.
Koren Robinson toasts Dre' Bly on a deep route for a gain of about 40. I hope Joey Harrington calls a press conference tomorrow and says that the Lions aren't getting enough production from the corner position.
The Bengals have scored their 3rd TD of the day, and none of them have been to Chad Johnson. This sucks. I think we need to put a league-mandated moratorium on Bengals touchdowns that are not scored by Chad Johnson. What good do those do anyone?b
Steve Smith scores for the Cardinals and... he appears to wipe the ass of the football. I didn't even know that footballs had asses. But not bad, Steve Smith. Sometimes, the baby needs to be changed.
Man, Dick Jauron does not look well. The last time I saw him, he looked vibrant, healthy, fit. Now, he looks like he just spent the last three weeks banging Courtney Love. He is pale, his hair is gray, he looks like he hasn't eaten in weeks. The good news, though, is that he's in a low-stress job where it will be easy to succeed.
The Steelers/Bengals game is 21-17 at the half, with the Bengals in the lead. I don't like the Steelers chances in the 2nd half. There are too many points being scored, and too many of Ben Roethlisberger's body parts are hurting. The Bengals have more offensive playmakers, and this game being what it is, that'll be the difference.
Crazy Fish Guy's still here, but no one's spoken to him in about an hour.
I know it's wrong, but... I can't look at the Panthers cheerleaders without picturing a couple of them going at it in a bathroom. And the good news is that the ones who were arrested were two of the least attractive ones on the squad, so... those who remain make for outstanding bathroom sex fantasies.
Hines Ward scores for the Steelers and breaks out the Ickey Shuffle. I can't say I approve. It was cool when he mocked T.O.'s Eagle thing, and it was funny when he mocked the Riverdance, but come on... leave Ickey Woods out of it. He didn't do anything to anyone. Right now, Ickey Woods is sitting at home saying to himself, "What the fuck did I do?" Also, Hines Ward is a terrible dancer.
I think the Bills just killed Gus Frerotte. Seriously... he could be dead. Someone just mauled him in the endzone for a safety, and Gus is showing neither the ability or the desire to get up. The may have to play the rest of this game with Gus Frerotte laying prone on the football field.
Crazy Fish Guy, for some reason, took the Titans getting 16 points from the Colts. Why he did this, I have no idea. He's probably the only person in America to have made that bet. Jeff Fisher probably put some wood down on the Colts. Seriously, what indication has there been from either of those teams that this game wouldn't be an absolute blowout? I guess this is one of those days where he's down.
My girl continues to bounce around from guy to guy, calling them baby and sweetie and honey and touching them and... FUCK. I'm thinking of breaking up with her. She'll take it hard, and she may kill herself, but... you know, sometimes it can be a painful thing when a lady learns that she might have to live without MJD. Life will go on for her. Just as life would go on for Peyton Manning if Kenny Chesney decided to start dating Michael Vick. And besides, I know I can depend on Raiders fan waitress for a cheap blowjob later.
The Bengals go up by 14 with 6:00 to play. Rudi Johnson squeezed into the corner of the endzone when Troy Polamalu failed to wrap-up on a tackle. Troy's had a rough game today... he's not making many plays. I think he's just upset because T.J. Houshmandzadeh has prettier hair than he does.
Nice. Fox has unearthed some high school pictures of Brad Johnson. I don't think his hairstyle could be described as anything other than a jheri curl. Brad Johnson went through high school with a white man's jheri curl. He's also got a white sweater with horizontal powder blue stripes that he may have borrowed from Bill Cowher.
Nathan Vasher scores another TD, this one coming courtesy of Brett Favre. I think Favre even turned around and started blocking for him on the return. Vasher can go ahead and reserve a room in Honolulu, by the way.
Up by 7 points with under three minutes to play, the Bengals come out throwing. They throw on 2 of 3 plays, with one of them bouncing off the hands of Troy Polamalu. They should be killing clock. Now the Steelers will be getting the ball back with over 2 minutes to play. That was pretty poor, Marvin Lewis.
But fortunately for the Bengals, they got away with it. The Steelers couldn't get anything done in the 2-minute. So, is this Cincinnati's big coming-out-party win? I guess. I dunno. It didn't feel all that convincing. I don't mean to slight them, because they won, and they earned it, but... I really felt like the Steelers fucked this one up more than the Bengals just went out and whooped ass.
And somehow, the Fish might actually win this game against Buffalo. The Bills have done absolutely nothing since the JP Losman/Lee Evans wad-shooting in the 1st quarter. The Fish are inside the Buffalo 15 with about a minute left.
And they do it. Chambers makes an outstanding catch in the endzone, and the Fish have pulled this one out. I'm a little bit leery of the Dolphins next week on the Chargers schedule. After that, they'll play @Indianapolis, @KC, and Denver at home. I hope they don't feel like this Fish game is any kind of a breather, because Miami plays some decent ball. At the very least, they don't beat themselves.
Uh-oh... our Raiders fan waitress is being sent home by the manager. I don't know what she did, but I suspect it has something to do with performing a sex act for money or selling cocaine to children. Perhaps she beat up an elderly customer. I just don't know. She seems a little upset... I actually kinda feel bad for her.
Bad news for the Patriots... Corey Dillon is back and their offense still sucks. Due to time constraints (and me losing focus for a while), we're going to skip ahead a little bit... they have mustered six points in the first half against the Jets. That is not a good sign.
There's a couple of fans here, jawing back and forth. One is a Dolphins fan, who was kinda annoying me a little bit when the Dolphins pulled out that comeback. It was nothing too bad, but he just seemed to like being loud for the sake of being loud. The other is a... well, I'm not sure what he is. He's rooting hard for the Jets, but he's wearing a Vikings Randy Moss jersey. I think that is the main point of contention. They're both assholes. I hope they fight.
Jake Plummer just seems to get more and more scraggly every week. I'm not exactly sure what look he's going for, but hey... he's Jake Plummer, and he's sleeping with a Broncos cheerleader while I pretend to be sleeping with sports bar waitresses, so... do what you do, Jake. Hell, maybe I'll stop shaving and bathing and see how that goes for me.
Speaking of pretending to sleep with waitresses, there's a girl here working the late shift that has on a pair of tight white shorts and no panties. I... mm. Man, I would just... ugh.
Ahem. Sorry. Where was I...
Back to Jake Plummer. 3 of his last 32 pass attempts have been intercepted. Prior to that, he hadn't thrown a pickle in over 200 attempts. How nervous do you think that makes Mike Shanahan? Do you think Shanahan knows he was living on borrowed time with Jake, and that the real Snake was bound to re-emerge sooner or later? Or is he surprised by this, and holding onto hope that it's a one-week aberration? I dunno... I'm kinda thinking that Shanahan is already mentally preparing himself for Denver's exit in the divisional round of the playoffs.
By the way, the Cardinals are up 9-7. FUCKIN' LET'S GO BIRDS. They said you couldn't win without Neil Rackers. Prove them wrong.
The manager of the bar just went over to Overly Exuberant Dolphins fan and threatened to eject him from the bar. I hope he lets him stay until he actually starts a fight. He really seems to hate the "Jets fan" in the Moss jersey. Let's see some blood.
Brooks Bollinger makes the worst throw I've seen since... well, since I watched Jeff Garcia on Thanksgiving, actually. But it was brutal. Just a high, aimless loft to an area of the field where no Jets receivers were present. This isn't hockey, Brooks. You don't pass to an open area of the ice. It's picked, and the Pats will win.
As will the Broncos. An official reversed a spot-of-the-ball on a challenge, and it effectively ended the game. It puts the Chargers one game back of the Broncos in the division, so that's nice, but... we're also going to be tied with the Chiefs at 8-4. If we win out, though, we'll have tiebreakers over both of them, so the division can still be had.
And while Overly Exuberant Dolphins fan and Jets Fan in Moss Jersey are openly calling each other faggots, I'm gonna bounce. Enjoy your Monday.
| Comments: |
Dude,you're brilliant.I love reading your post every monday..
It's hillarious..
http://sillysportsblog.blogspot.com
My insanely stupid blog..check it out once..
...posted by
Davey: 5/12/05 06:10 Fantastic as usual, but I was really hoping you'd spend a bit more time on the utter ineptitude that is the Detroit Lions football franchise. C'mon MJD, head on a swivel. Head on a swivel.
Also don't go to my blog because it sucks and I don't ever post anything.
...posted by
blogmeater: 5/12/05 10:40 *AUG* You hurt me MJD. I mean, you really have -
"Steve Smith scores for the Cardinals and... he appears to wipe the ass of the football. I didn't even know that footballs had asses. But not bad, Steve Smith. Sometimes, the baby needs to be changed."
Come on, man. Give momma some corrective love - it was a *Panther* touchdown. You're making me hurt like the time my imaginary girlfriend cheated on me with her husband. I didn't talk to her for a week.
...posted by
Rob: 5/12/05 12:30 Rob -
My bad. I apologize. That's what happens when you finish these things at 3 a.m. and patently refuse to proofread. I hope mama considers this a proper amount of corrective love.
...posted by
the mighty mjd: 5/12/05 13:25 Doesn't matter how pretty that Bengals win was, just mattered that they won. Beating the Steelers in any manner was what that team needed.
By the way, sorry your special waitress so blatantly cheated on you. That shit really hurts.
...posted by
Aaron P.: 5/12/05 15:48 I want to know what happened to Raider-Jersey Waitress. Did she get canned?
...posted by
Brandon: 6/12/05 12:12 Man, My Seahawks beat that ass!!!!!!!!!!! I wish we could play in Philly more often our last 2 times the combined score was 80-0. We own those bitches. I know they are a shell of the team they used to be but good teams are supposed to beat the shit out of scrubs like that. Go hawks, just got my tickets for the Colts game, bring those bitches on!!!!!
...posted by
Black: 7/12/05 13:07 Post a Comment
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