Sunday, December 18, 2005
| Week 15 - 2005/2006 |
We've got a brand new waitress this week. She is also of the overly-friendly variety, but of course, that may just be my undeniable sexual magnetism. She's friendly, she's bubbly, and she's a little touchy-feely, which of course I like.
You know, I really feel like the Chargers have a better than 50% chance to win this week. I know the Colts aren't going to rest anyone, but they are due for a letdown, right? They clinched home field last week, and even if they're saying all the right things, psychologically, that's got to affect them. I'm not expecting their sharpest performance this week. In fact, fuck it, I'm making the Chargers my leadpipe lock of the week.
Oh, and if you're any one of the many readers here that are a part of Danks' large cult following, I should tell you right now that he's not with us today. He's watching the Steelers game with his girlfriend's family. Why? Because he's wearing his pretty skirt today, and didn't want to make it smell like smoke at the sports bar. Also, I think this is a very heavy flow day for him.
The good news, though, is that my brother Lucas is joining us, and his mouth and mind are often far filthier than Danks'. As soon as we get here, he asks me to point out which waitress is my girlfriend, and he's a fan. The following conversation takes place:
Him: Do you think I could get a job here as a server?
Me: No.
Him: Why?
Me: Because you don't give me an erection.
Hey, remember a week or two ago when I linked to that rap song by the 12-year-old Colts fan, and I said that I didn't want to say anything bad about a 12-year-old. Well... today is a new day, and you can go fuck yourself, junior.
Early in the Chargers/Colts game, the Bolts are getting pretty good pressure on Manning. Shawne Merriman just got to him, and had a firm grip on Manning's ankle. If Shawne Merriman weren't such a nice guy, that would've been the perfect opportunity to just grab and twist. It could've been Sorgi time, so so easily.
Heath Miller hauls in a Ben Roethlisberger pass for a nice gain, and my brother starts babbling that Health Miller should be the Offensive Rookie of the Year, which is a very Steeler fan thing to do. I mean, he's a solid player and was a very nice draft pick, but he's on pace for about 400 yards receiving. That's somehow better than Cadillac Williams or Ronnie Brown? I tell him that if Health Miller wins the rookie of the year, I'll shove a bowling ball into my ass. He promises that if it happens, there will be pictures here on the website. I don't think you want that.
OH, and it's Keenan McCardell getting loose for a Chargers touchdown. Oh, that was a thing of beauty. It feels like our day.
Crazy Fish Guy's a little late this week. He rolls in at about 1:30 and attempts to hijack a seat at our table. I tell him, like always, that we're expecting some other people in our empty chairs. Again, he starts to go into his bullshit "I'll leave when they get here" routine. But that's not happening today. Lucas, quite gruffly, cuts him off and tells him he can't sit there. He does not respect the legend of Crazy Fish Guy. Of course, I'm glad as hell that he won't be sitting with us today.
The Colts have the ball deep in the Chargers red zone, and they're going for it on 4th and 1. The playcall is baffling. Peyton Manning rolls out on a naked bootleg to his left. I'm not sure if Reggie Wayne didn't know the playcall, or was just doing a poor job of blocking, but his ineptitude on this particular play helps Shawne Merriman get another sack of Peyton Manning. Merriman is playing out of his mind right now.
The Vikings kinda suck today. Of course, this is becoming a trend: NFC team wins a few games in a row. NFC team plays a decent AFC team. NFC team gets dickwhipped. The Vikings can't run the ball, and I think Brad Johnson is throwing all of his passes with his eyes closed while thinking to himself, "Please don't intercept it, please don't intercept it, please don't intercept it..." This is more in-line with what we should all have been expecting from Brad Johnson.
And then, of course, they intercept it. The Vikings head into the half with the score at 10-3 Steelers, when they had every reasonable opportunity to make it 10-6 or better.
Also at the half, the Chargers lead the Colts 13-0. Anyone know of the last time the Colts were shut out in a first half? I don't think I've seen anyone get pressure on Manning like the Chargers have been doing thus far.
Also on the subject of the NFC sucking gorilla balls, the Titans and Seahawks are tied at the half.
Lucas is making fun of Nate Kaeding, calling him the ugliest player in the NFL. Not only is that mean, and just the kind of thing that we try to avoid here in the Smorgasbord, it's just completely untrue. Nate Kaeding is a damn handsome man. Lucas says it looks like someone punched him under the nose and caved his entire face in. I think he's a fine specimen that any of my female or non-traditional male readers should be thrilled to look at. He just hit his 3rd field goal of the day, though. 16-0 Bolts.
A Saints fan is holding up a sign that says "FAN ON ZANEX," with the F, the O, and the X highlighted. Clever thought, but isn't in Xanax? I'm not one to blast a guy for spelling errors, but it's 3 words, and clearly designed to be on national television. Take the extra 5 seconds to check it out. And Tom Cruise would not approve of your drug abuse anyway, Mister.
Things have taken a turn for the worse in the Chargers/Colts game. I closed my eyes for five seconds to fantasize about the new waitress, and I open them, and the Colts are up 17-16. Dwight Freeney got into Drew Brees from the blindside and caused a fumble deep in our territory. I'm getting really tired of that happening. Fuck.
Oh, and I want you to know, that just now, for Deadspin, I did an image search for "double-headed dildo" while sitting in a sports bar. That's not something I ever anticipated happening in my life.
Lucas got up and went to the bathroom, and he came back with a disturbing report. Crazy Fish Guy was in there conducting some business, and afterwards, he did not wash his hands. This is not at all surprising. However, and I'm not sure that we can confirm this, Crazy Fish Guy may also be a non-flusher. I dunno, I can't even say it's all that disturbing. If you knew Crazy Fish Guy, you'd understand. You'd just shrug your shoulders and say, "Well, yeah, I mean... look at him."
THE BURNER. Michael Turner, better known as LaDainian Tomlinson's personal caddy, has just gotten loose for an 83-yard TD run against the Colts, and that will wrap this baby up. Somewhere right now, Mercury Morris and the boys should be getting high as a motherfucker. And I hope that 12-year-old with the rap song is crying like a little bitch.
I am not what you'd call a gracious winner. I apologize. Lil' Ronnie, or whatever your name was... I'm sorry. You're 12, and I shouldn't call you a little bitch. I am sincerely sorry. I hope you grow up and win 82 Soul Train awards, though I think we'd both have to agree that that's unlikely.
The Steelers are also finishing off the Vikings in the only other decent game of the 1 o'clock set. The margin of victory isn't huge, but it never really felt like the Vikings were in it. It never felt like they had a chance.
Of course, this game could be relevant if the Titans can pull the upset. They've actually been leading for most of the 2nd half, but the Seahawks have just gone up 28-24. I'm sorry, but if you can't dominate the Titans at this point in the season, I can't take you seriously as a super bowl team.
New waitress girl comes over and puts her hand on my back, leans close and says, "Can I get you anything, sweetie?" That almost bordered on strange. I mean, she practically whispered it to me. I told her that if she came back with some chocolate sauce and a bib that we can both leave here happy.
Okay, I didn't really say that.
There are a few Browns fans here that are commendably boisterous. At this point in the season, I'll be honest, I'm impressed. It's gotta be hard to get up for December games against the Raiders when neither team is going anywhere.
At the very least, I respect them more than the fans at the Cleveland game who are dressed as big french fry containers with "CHARLIE'S FRYES" written across the front. Those may be the lamest fan costumes I've ever seen. I mean, you just sewed yourself a costume that has you looking like a box of french fries to honor a guy who has made the remarkable accomplishment of beating out Trent Dilfer for playing time in a meaningless part of a season.
It's 17-0 Bengals in the first quarter. Paul Tagliabue should announce the retraction of the Lions franchise at halftime of this game. The Lions suck.
The Redskins are also pounding the Cowboys. It's such a thorough pounding that I really have an honest suspicion that the Redskins are stealing signals or something. I really don't mean that as a slight, Redskins fans. You might actually be better than the Cowboys, but you aren't that much better. Everything they do is working. Nothing the Cowboys are doing is working.
Another tidbit about the Redskins, and further evidence that the NFC sucks gorilla balls: The Redskins currently stand at 7-6. Their record against NFC teams is 7-2.
And you know what... these games are boring as hell, and I'm closing up shop early this week. Conditions just aren't good for Smorgasbording right now. I've got friends in from out of town that I don't usually see, every single game on is unwatchable, and I think I can smell the urine on Crazy Fish Guy's hands from across the room. I think this is a good stopping point. Also, for next week, there's this little holiday that's going down, so I can't promise a Smorgasbord, though I'm not ruling it out, either. We'll have to see how things go.
| Comments: |
I dont care about your holiday. I need my smorgasboard. I cannot expect to subside on only a Peter King column of Tom Brady cock-slobbering. Please do not take a week off.
...posted by
edwzipper: 19/12/05 02:37 Post a present opening Smorgasbord.
But Hell, since you couldn't say the word "Christmas" and had to refer to it as a "Holiday" you must be the Hanukkah type, therefore, have no excuse not to write for us.
MJD...is Dank's GF at least hot? Unless she is about 115 lbs with DD's his behavior is unacceptable and you must intervene. Danks, we miss you.
...posted by
Keith: 19/12/05 07:30 
was Snider there? said he was going to try and do something crazy to get a mention - going to have to give him some shit for not getting on...pussy.
...posted by
Heath: 19/12/05 07:50 You could at least give us the smorgasboard on saturday since the majority of games are on that day. I would not mind if you did not give us a smorgasboard on sunday since all of those games suck.
...posted by
djej1: 19/12/05 10:27 Heath - Snider was in fact there, and he told me an unbelievable story, but I don't think I can say anything about it without getting sued.
djej1 - That's really sweet of you, to not mind if I sacrifice only my Christmas Eve to do a Smorgabord for you. Thanks, buddy. *chest pound*
...posted by
the mighty mjd: 19/12/05 13:05 MJD
we need the smorgasbord and you need touchy-feely waitresses. it works for all of us.
...posted by
: 19/12/05 13:53 Come now now, mjd - I bet Christmas won't stop Peter King from bringing the goods.
...posted by
: 19/12/05 14:11 Whatever ya clown, No we didn't dominate tennessee but we didn't lose to Miami either douchebag!!! You guys are on the out side lookin in bitches, you beat the Colts but won't even make the playoffs. Congrats to being irrelevant and retire those gay-ass powder blue jerseys once and for all. can you say first round bye and home field advantage, no not with that bitch Brees behind center. Oh and a trip down memory lane: Tui and my Dawgs beat the crap out of him and the bitch-ass boilermakers in the '01 Rosebowl. Come to seattle and win before you talk shit, when we were in the AFC west we weren't that good but we owned you bitches every year. Some of us lust after waitresses and some of us get 'em. Be a man and speak to the broad if not stop being 13, DOUCHE!!!!! Oh and that 12 year old Indy kid has more talent in his little finger than you've got in your whole fat, bloated, red-neck body.
...posted by
Black: 20/12/05 10:23 wow - maybe Starbucks was low on coffee huh Black?
And why you worried what any of us assh*les want anyway MJD? It's not like we're paying you - enjoy your Christmas and may you find a horny waitress on New Years Eve...
...posted by
jeff: 20/12/05 10:44 Black - All that because I said I can't take Seattle seriously as a Super Bowl contender? Geez. I really think you should calm down a little bit, go hang out with Lil' Ronnie and smoke a bowl or two. I don't even dislike the Seahawks... they just aren't going to win the Super Bowl. Imagine how you would've responded if if I had said that you have absolutely zero fucking chance to WIN the Super Bowl (which, by the way, is the truth... you don't).
Jeff - Thanks... and no, I'm not worried about. I'm going to try and do a Smorgasbord if I can, and if I can't, we'll all just have to find a way to deal. I know Black will be upset, though.
...posted by
the mighty mjd: 20/12/05 10:57 I just didn't like how you tried to disrespect the young brotha for trying to be creative, you couldn't do it. "Black love the kids" ooooooh oooooh oooh oooh "Black love the kids".
...posted by
Black: 5/1/06 08:56 Post a Comment
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