Sunday, September 25, 2005
| Week 03 - 2005/2006 |
On Countdown, Chris Mortenson says that someone in the Chargers organization told Archie Manning, "don't let your kid come here." Mort says he's not sure he believes it, but I do. I trust that the Chargers organization would have at least one member with the sensitivity and compassion to realize that the city of New York would have many more options and opportunities for Eli to explore his deviant homosexual lifestyle.
Nate Burleson is out for the Vikings. How does this effect the over/under on Daunte Culpepper's interception count? If I were a bookie, I'd set it at 2.5... and if I was betting on that, I'd take the under. They have to have made some kind of adjustment, right? Things just can't go on as normal. If the Vikings come out and the offense looks the same as it has the past two weeks, Mike Tice should be spending the rest of their career as the assistant special teams coach for a flag football team in the Ohio Valley league.
Ed Werder's in Green Bay and reporting that Brett Favre "really got after his teammates in practice this week." Does anyone in Green Bay watch film? Can they not see that Favre is as big a reason for their 0-2 record as is anyone else? His teammates should've responded by getting him alone in the locker room and doing him like the guy in Full Metal Jacket.
Michael Irvin on Brett Favre's struggles: "Father time is undefeated."
So, it's Fall Family Weekend here at the local university. What this unfortunately means is that there are a lot of Eagles fans here today from the remarkably filthy South Philadelphia/New Jersey area. They're also carding people at the door, which they never do, because of a few fights in the bar last night. I don't believe for a second that there is no connection between the fights and the amount of Philly/Jersey people in town this weekend.
The other effect that Fall Family Weekend has today is that I chuckle every time I see a mom and dad sitting down for lunch with their sweet innocent little daughter, ignoring the "what did I drink last night, and why am I so sore?" look on her face.
Countdown is doing some kind of "Where are they now?" thing... You remember who made the stop on Kevin Dyson to secure a Super Bowl victory for the Rams? MIKE JONES. Who? MIKE JONES. He's doing quite well for himself these days with Swishahouse Records.
I think it's time for me to exercise the seldom-used 2nd person. Alright. You're Andy Reid. Your money kicker, arguably the best in the game, David Akers, has been hobbled with a hamstring problem. You know that the hamstring is a pretty vital body part for a kicker. Do you sign a backup kicker with your $12 million in cap room? You don't. And then, when your kicker hurts himself on the opening kickoff and can barely walk, do you send him out there to kick it again when there's an offside penalty? You do. And then, on attempt #2, when he goes down in a heap, are you thinking, "Maybe I could've handled that better?" You should be.
On the third attempt (after another offside penalty), taken by some other Eagles douchebag, the ball rolls out of bounds after traveling about 20 yards. Just to recap, you end up giving the Raiders great field position and kicked the ball three times, one of which crippled your kicker. Well done.
The Buffalo Bills come out throwing the ball on about every down, which is an odd decision considering that J.P. Losman started last week 1-of-7 for 6 yards. I'm no Mike Tice or anything, but that doesn't seem like a good idea.
The Bills, by the way, are back to the cornea-scarring atrocities that are their all-blue uniforms. The shade of blue is ugly. The stripes don't match from the jersey to the pants. There hasn't been anything this ugly in Buffalo since... well, alright, most people in Buffalo are pretty ugly. But if you'd like, Bruce Smith also works as a punchline right there. I'm considering a lawsuit against Paul Tagliabue for the damage that these uniforms continue to do to my eyes and my psyche.
Surprising early scores from games I'm not seeing: Miami is up on Carolina, and the Vikings have 17 points. Have the officials decided to allow Daunte Culpepper a few "do-overs" today?
Donovan McNabb rolls to his right and finds a wide open Warren Sapp in the flat. Considering that there's about 80 Eagles fans here today, I'd love to root against them, but they're playing the fucking Raiders. It just feels dirty... it would be like watching Shawshank and rooting for Boggs to rape Andy. Anyway, Warren Sapp got lucky that a ball ended up in his chest, and I know that someone on ESPN's Primetime will be sucking him off for it tonight. He's just not that good anymore.
The Eagles are struggling with the Raiders early, and my man Doug, an Eagles fan, seems a little concerned. "Everyone has an off day," I assure him. And he says, "Or, in the case of the Steelers, an off January." Ouch.
Chad Johnson scores for the Bengals and then proceeds to Riverdance in the endzone. That will go down as one of my favorite TD celebrations of all-time.
Here's something that's bugging me. Why is it that every time a guy loses his helmet during a play, and then keeps playing, the commentators speak about him as if his bravery rivals that of William Wallace in Braveheart? I have never seen an NFL player lose his helmet, scream like a little girl, and then stop dead in his tracks and curl up in the fetal position, covering his place. Everyone keeps playing. It's not that big of a deal.
Kyle Orton: 3-of-8, 3 INTs. Hopefully, this will not do to his career what a similar effort against Wisconsin did to his senior year at Purdue.
Orton drops back... there's #4. Are we sure that this is Kyle under center, and not Cowboy Bob, of WWF fame?
The Eagles go deep to Terrell Owens, and Charles Woodson breaks it up. Another Raider DB comes down to give Woodson a high-five, and T.O. steps in front of Woodson and high-fives the guy first.
The Raiders meanwhile, are racking up penalties like like Tie Domi and Donald Brashear are their starting linebackers. I raise the possibility that the Raiders actually gameplan their penalties. "Alright guys, I really feel like this team's safeties don't have the lateral speed to play a Cover-2 real effectively. Also, I think they're very susceptible to holds, so just hold someone any chance you get. And in 2nd-down-and-short situations, try a facemask. 15-yarder, perhaps."
Fox has a stat showing the quarterbacks in the NFL who have been sacked the most times per play this year. Two of the top four are Cardinals.
Wow, Daunte Culpepper has 3 TDs in the first half. The Saints defensive coordinator has to be a little embarrassed right now.
Cybil Shepherd is starring the CBS movie about Martha Stewart and her prison stay. That's gotta be a dream role for Cybil. I wonder who's directing that one, Scorsese or Coppolla? Anyway, if you're watching it, and you're either male or under 70 years old, some therapy may be in order.
Kyle Orton racks up INT #5. Did someone play a joke on him and tell him he got a bonus if he caught Daunte Culpepper in interceptions? Remember what I said last week about him being the best QB in the NFC North? Nevermind. His QB rating, by the way, is 1.0.
Nice stat from CBS: The last time the Bengals went 3-0, gas was $1.09 per gallon, and the nation's top song was Madonna's "Vogue."
Doug, the afore-mentioned Eagles fan, and someone that I'm often embarrassed to call my friend, contends that Brian Westbrook is one of the Top 5 offensive players in football. After much discussion, sanity-questioning, and name calling, he concedes that he may be wrong, but that he's definitely Top 7.
The Raiders, as the game nears its end, manage to tie it up. The Eagles will have 2 minutes plus to go down the field and score, but keep in mind, their kicker has all the leg strength of Larry King right now.
Before that game ends, though, the Steelers/Patriots game gets underway. Danks, of course, is a big Patriots fan, while nearly everyone else in the building loves the Steelers. I don't think there's the real possibility of any violence or anything, but one woman does frighten me. She's sitting behind Danks, she's wearing a Roethlisberger jersey, and she's very... Pittsburgh-ish. Looking at her from behind, I thought she was a dude. I think she just ordered a glass of grain alcohol and a straw. If anyone's going to murder Danks today, it's going to be her.
Alright, I gotta say this. Warren Sapp's been fairly effective today. He's gotten to McNabb a couple of times. That, however, does not keep me from believing that for fun at Christmas time, he likes to walk around to public manger sets and punt all the little baby Jesus dolls.
The Pats open up the game with a pretty easy touchdown drive against the Steelers. Of course, the Titans did the same in Week 1.
Jimmy Smith is amazing. The play he made to score the TD and win the game... that was unbelievable. That play was 100% about balls and the will to win. The are other receivers, of course, who are stronger, faster, more explosive, and much much younger... but I don't know if anyone else was getting that ball across the goal line.
The Eagles get down inside the 10, and here comes Akers... like Willis Reed hobbling out of the locker room, except he's a kicker. He makes it, of course, and then cries. Quite the drama queen is David Akers. I guess he really wanted to be on SportsCenter tonight.
From a Steelers fan behind me, who I believe was trying to talk shit to the Patriots. "You're a visitor, and you don't want to be a visitor today." I'm glad he didn't go public with that before the game... that's great bulletin-board material for the Pats.
The Dallas kicker misses an extra point. I'm sad to learn that it's Jose Cortez and not Billy Cundiff, because I really wanted to change the 4th-letter of his last name for a few paragraphs. Anyway, Larry Allen physically slaps around Cortez for missing the kick. And I don't blame him... Larry Allen has retired seven times. He didn't stick around to watch some jag-off World League kicker blow extra point attempts.
Anquan Boldin is wide open on a deep post. There isn't a Seahawk within 20 yards of him in any direction. Warner makes the throw, right at his numbers, and Boldin, for some reason, leaps to make the catch. It was completely unnecessary, and he fell down, and cost himself six points.
Antwan Randle-El catches a long pass, and decides to try a lateral to an unsuspecting Hines Ward. Just a silly play, and it costs them a chance in the red zone. There was no way that Hines Ward could have been expecting that to happen, and yet, quite a few Steelers fans are blaming him for the play. Doug remarks that 'Twan has seen that Burger King commercial too many times.
A Pats O-lineman gets carted off, and Tom Brady is down to 4 layers of protection.
I'm not paying much attention to the game, but the 49ers are putting up some serious points against the Cowboys. I'm not sure how it's happening, but finding #31 in blue and throwing it over his head had to be a big part of the 49ers gameplan today.
Danks, while calling Ben Roethlisberger a pussy on nearly every other play, is getting the stare of death from the lovely Pittsburgh woman behind him. Chris makes him aware of this, and Danks says, "If she swings, I'll sue."
An odd first-half for the Pats and Steelers. The Pats had a couple of red-zone turnovers to match the bizarre Randle-El lateral... just some odd stuff. It's 10-7.
In the 3rd quarter, tension is building between Danks and Chris. There's a certain point at which it goes from friendly trash-talk to some slightly more serious antagonism, and we've passed that point here. Danks is talking about 3 rings and calling Ben Roethlisberger "Mr. September," and Chris is coming up with reasons why every single member of the Patriots organization is a pussy. He's even hoping that Rodney Harrison is out for the year. It's jumped up a notch.
Doug, on David Akers: "The Eagles are secure, masculine men. We can cry when we want to."
It seems like there's a long period of inactivity in the Steelers/Pats game. The only interesting thing that's happened in a while is that I've noticed the highlights in Ben Roethlisberger's hair. I've decided that it's either a sad attempt to get back Natalie Gulbis, or he's trying to fill the gay quarterback void that's existed in Pittsburgh since Kordell Stewart left.
Alright, that was wrong. Kordell isn't gay. Kinda gay-ish, though, you'd have to admit.
The Pats are exploiting the Steelers blitz, big-time. They're coming hard, fast, and on nearly every play. The Pats have figured out how to beat it with screen passes, too.
The Seneca Wallace/Peter Warrick combination that everyone's been talking about in Seattle finally hooks up for a long pass play. I see Montana/Rice potential there.
The Steelers have 1:58 on the clock, are inside the Pats 30, and have 3 timeouts. They are down seven. There's just enough time for them to score, tie it up, and then be beaten by a Vinatieri field goal.
After a drop by Randle-El, who will not be adding this game to his personal highlight reel, the Steelers have a 4th-and-11.
And they get a pass interference call on the 1. There was contact there, and yes, by the book, it probably was interference, but... it wasn't a lot of contact, probably not enough to justify making a potentially outcome-changing call. I don't know. It's borderline. If it was Dick Bavetta, he's not going to be blowing his whistle right there.
And the Steelers get their TD. And then the Patriots get their field goal. Tough loss. Pretty great game, though, especially for Week 3. Tom Brady was 12-of-12 for 168 yards in the 4th quarter.
Just a few quick thoughts about the Chargers/Giants game, since I'm writing this after its conclusion, while I have to be awake in just a few hours. I was surprised to see how much I didn't hate Eli Manning. Right now, at 0-2, with the Pats (fuck you, Danks, we're beating you, and then I'm going to sleep with your girlfriend), Steelers, and Eagles in our next four, we just had to win tonight. It was all about the W. And Eli played well. I've got to hand it to the sock-chewin' ass bitch, he's turning into a pretty good quarterback. Not good enough to even come close to beating the Chargers, however. Still, if the Chargers pass D doesn't start to come together quickly, the Bolts are in trouble.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 10:44 PM 3 comments
Sunday, September 18, 2005
| Week 02 - 2005/2006 |
The bartender this week has a lovely rack that is unfortunately covered by a Ray Lewis jersey. I don't like the Ravens, not even a little bit, and I think that Ray Lewis in particular is a douchebag... but I don't hate them as much as I hate, say, the Raiders. But it got me to thinking... if I met a comely young lady that was interested, and she was wearing a Raiders jersey... would I? Could I pull the trigger? I don't think I could do it, unless she was okay with me adding a few face-punches into the repertoire.
It reminds me of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry wouldn't sleep with Cady Huffman because she had a picture of George W. Bush in her dressing room. It ruined it for him, as would the Raiders jersey ruin it for me. Of course, there was the opposing viewpoint of Jeff Greene, who said, "Who gives a flying fuck if she's a republican? I'd fuck her with a Bush mask on."
Anyone in a Raiders jersey, I'd have to say no, but in the particular case of the Ravens-loving bartender... her ass is as spectacular as Ray Lewis is overrated. Not that I'm going to have the option, but I'd say yes to it.
They're kicking around an interesting topic on ESPN's Gameday. When Javon Walker went down last week, I thought about how much it sucked that he probably won't be getting as much of a payday as he otherwise would have. Should Brett Favre feel like a douchebag about this? I say yes. Favre was the one being a company man, using his considerable sway to criticize Javon Walker in public and pressuring him to end his holdout and get to camp. He eventually did. Favre couldn't be bothered to go to management and try to help Javon out. Now he's out for the year, and his negotiating position in the offseason is pretty tenuous. I think Brett Favre should write him a letter of apology and a check for about $5 million.
There's a feature on now about Rodney Harrison at ref school in the off-season. My man Chris theorizes that Rodney would be the worst official ever, in terms of letting things go. To Rodney Harrison, there are no such things as late hits, defenseless receivers, or spearing penalties. Other officials would constantly be having to talk him into calling penalties. "Come on, Rodney, that guy was down for three seconds before the defender hit him." "Come on, Rodney, the safety launched the crown on his helmet right into that guy's groin, after he announced that he was going to do it." "Come on, Rodney, that guy had a knife."
Danks brought his girlfriend this week. She's a Steelers fan, he's a Patriots fan. Danks is watching the Patriots in the back room, while Meghann is out here watching the Steelers with the rest of us. I sent Danks the following text message: "Crazy Fish Guy's here. Meghann just blew him."
On the TVs today, we've got Eagles/49ers, Steelers/Texans, Bills/Bucs, and Vikings/Bengals. I think the Steelers are a pretty sure bet today at -5. David Carr is just not a very good quarterback. It's his 3rd year, his line is better, there are no excuses left.
Chad Johnson hauls in a 70-yard pass. Doug catches the tail end of the play, and says, "Did Carson Palmer throw that?" No, super fan, I think it was Akili Smith.
Sitting a few feet away from us is the spitting image of Jeff Fisher. The facial features, the mini-mullet, the 'stache, everything. It's as if this man is trying to look like Jeff Fisher. It might work for him. He could probably walk around Nashville and pull some decent trim.
Willie Parker is picking up right where he left off. Yes, he's in a nice situation, he's got a solid passing game and a solid offensive line, but he's a talented dude, too. Fast, quick, shifty, and deceptively powerful... I don't know what Bill Cowher plans to do when Bettis and Staley are healthy, but yanking Parker out of the starting line-up in favor of one of those guys would be akin to reacquiring Kordell Stewart and starting him ahead of Ben Roethlisberger.
My man Nate went to the bathroom, and urinated next to a grown man who stood at a urinal with his pants and underwear around his ankles.
Andre Johnson and Chris Hope get into a bit of a dust-up after a play. Color guy (not to be confused with "colored guy") Steve Tasker identifies them as Andre Davis and DeShea Townsend. So not only did he not do his homework, he flat-out refuses to even read the backs of their jerseys.
David Akers is laying face down on a trainer's table on the sidelines. I guess he hurt himself or something. A trainer stands next to him with his hand on Akers' ass for a solid minute or two. I love the new injury-treatment method. A happy kicker is a healthy kicker, I guess.
Meanwhile, Mark Simoneau boots the extra point for the Eagles. Not that it's going to matter against the 49ers.
Some numbers from the Eagles/Niners clash: Tim Rattay, 3/10 3 interceptions. Terrell Owens, 143 yards, 2 TDs. Can you guess who's winning?
Cris Collinsworth is in the stands at the Bengals/Vikings game, sitting alone and looking depressed. I guess it is in real life as it is on television... No one in the world can find any reason to like Cris Collinsworth.
Ricky Williams is an interesting character. Somewhere in there, there's a story to be told. So who would you like to see interview him tonight in primetime? A 97-year-old white man who hasn't seen marijuana since the prohibition era. Tonight... on 60 minutes.
The Bears have dropped 31 first-half points on the Lions? What the hell is going on in Detroit? Was Wayne Fontes rehired this week? I wouldn't have guessed that the Bears could score 31 points in 30 minutes on an empty practice field.
The Vikings are being violated by the Bengals. Every time I look at that game, the Bengals have the ball. I'm not entirely sure how the blame should be distributed in Minnesota, but is there any possible way that it would be bad for the Vikings if Mike Tice was fired before the weekend was out? They can't even get the ball. How are they this bad?
There's a lot of blowouts going on here today. The only game that I can see that's close is the Bills/Bucs showdown, and it's about as aesthetically pleasing as Janet Reno in a burlesque show.
I can actually see Daunte Culpepper getting worse as this game goes on. His regression is visible.
Willie Parker is heading for the endzone again. Phillip Buchanon sees him and makes a conscious decision to not tackle him. I've never seen a player puss out quite that obviously before. His teammates are screaming at him on the sidelines. If you're a Texans fan, and you own a Buchanon jersey... you might want to burn it. Pretty embarrassing behavior.
And now it's time for Daunte Culpepper's 4th interception of the day. This one was a beauty. He was dropping back, felt some pressure, lofted the football to the flat like a woman in a slow-pitch softball league, without a Viking within 5 yards of it.
JP Losman, who appears to be going for the Inigo Montoya look, has been benched in favor of Kelly Holcomb. That's not good.
And now it's time for Daunte Culpepper's 5th interception of the day. Some company in Minnesota should start sponsoring them on radio broadcasts. "And Daunte's Culpepper's 5th interception today is brought to you by Norm's Auto Body. We'll give you five percent off for every interception Daunte throws. That's Norm's Body Shop, on the corner of Misread Lane and Wounded Duck Avenue."
The Panthers... actually, wait, I'm not done making fun of Daunte yet. If he really wants to do the world a favor, he'll start donating $1,000 to the Katrina Relief Effort for every interception he throws. He could build a new damn Superdome by himself. You think Mike Tice is looking for Wade Wilson's phone number? Jeff George is out there somewhere.
Alright. The Panthers sew things up against the Patriots and "Whoomp, There It Is" is blaring throughout the stadium. Say, what year is this? I guess that's as much as you can ask for from a team in Nascar country. At least it isn't Merle Haggard.
Danks, now a bitter and unhappy Patriots fan, refuses to call my brother to get an update on Jason Gore at the 84 Lumber Classic. My brother is a Steelers fan, and Danks thinks he would "say something fucked up, and make me want to drive up there and punch him. And then make love to him." I spit water all over the table.
Jake Plummer, who couldn't complete a pass last week to anyone that didn't have a sea-dwelling mammal on their helmet, has started 7-of-8 against the Chargers, including going 3-of-3 on third down. Thanks, asshole.
For some reason, Olindo Mare's kicking motion on a 21-yard attempt resembles Charles Barkley's golf swing. It did not go in.
The Chargers go up 14-3 in Denver, which never ever happens. We have about as much success in Denver as Peyton Manning would as the special guest host of Yo! MTV Raps.
Reggie White's number is being retired in Green Bay at halftime. Some huge guy is at midfield for the ceremony, wearing a Reggie White jersey. I speculate that it isn't the real Reggie White, and I think I'm right. Anyway... emotional moment. I hope the afterlife is going well for Reggie, which I'm sure it is, provided that he isn't stuck in a house with 57 Latino people.
I order a fish sandwich, which reminds me immediately of Warren Sapp's mother.
Sorry about that. There will be no Smorgasbord this year without a cheap shot at Warren Sapp.
And for the Chargers, it's an interception from starting safety Bhawoh Jue. MAZEL TOV, BITCH.
Danks and I have talked many times about the absurdity of the popular "defense" sign that consists of a "D" and a picture of a fence. Danks suggests that someone should at least mix it up and instead of the "D", hold up a picture of Dee Brown. I take it a step further and recommend a picture of Dee Snider, along with the fence. If any of you can ever pull that off and get it on TV, I'll let you have my website for a day.
I don't like to mention fantasy football a lot here, but just one quick note. Our league consists of 11 males and 1 female. The female is our reigning champion, a fact that embarrasses me to no end. Someone mentions it, and I blurt out, directly in her face, "Our champion menstruates. That's fucking great."
By the way, I just noticed that there are a couple of three-year-old children at the table behind us. The kids are getting an education today.
Having given him the new nickname last week, Danks asks how Pittsburgh quarterback "Mr. September" played today. "You mean Dwayne Zachamore?" I ask.
The Gus Frerotte-for-MVP chatter has quieted a little bit this week. The Dolphins drive chart is about as uplifting as a Sylvia Plath novel. Punting seems to be the best thing they can hope for.
The more I watch this Packers/Browns game, the more I think that Kyle Orton is the best quarterback in the NFC North. Brett Favre might love to play football, he might be like a little kid out there, he might mow his own lawn, but he also kinda sucks. The Packers are going to lose to Cleveland in their own building, and it's not all the defense's fault. I've enjoyed Favre through the years as much as anyone else, but I'd also like to hear some accountability from America's sweetheart right now.
More Favre: He's flushed from the pocket, scrambles towards the sideline and lofts a little desperation floater to Robert Ferguson, who's about six yards away. He misses Ferguson by about three yards in the direction opposite of where Ferguson is running. Favre then screams at Ferguson. No, it couldn't possibly Brett's fault. He loves to play the game, and he's like a little kid out there. That's what I heard, anyway.
Cardinals fans are throwing things on the field. I don't know what kind of injustice could have taken place to make the people in Sun Devil stadium actually care about football. Chris speculates that they're throwing things because it's just too damn hot. "Why the hell aren't we in a dome? (Dude chucks a bottle of water.) It's too fucking hot! Sunscreen is expensive!"
Ron Dayne is in the game for the Broncos, and he's picking up chunks of yardage on the ground. That can't be a good sign for the Chargers defense. He's treating us like we're Northwestern. This is embarrassing. What's next, can we give up a few yards to Maurice Clarett?
The unstoppable Steve Heiden gets loose for the Browns in Lambeau, and that will polish off the Packers, who could be looking at a very very long season. Trent Dilfer just went into Lambeau and put up All-Pro numbers. No word on whether or not he felt like a kid out there.
Jason Elam hits a last-second field goal to polish off the Chargers, who played an absolutely pathetic 2nd half. The Chargers in no way deserved to win this game, and I am now officially concerned. Our defense is porous and the running game isn't moving like it should. The Giants game next week is a must-win game. It is also a must-attempt-to-seriously-injure-sock-chewin'-bitch-opposing-quarterback game.
After not seeing Crazy Fish Guy all day, I see him on our way out of the place. I don't know how long he's been here, but I slapped his shoulder on the way out and it felt like I touched God. However, I'm not sure if God wears glasses with the little welding-protection attachments on the sides in public. Crazy Fish guy does, though.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:16 PM 2 comments
Sunday, September 11, 2005
| Week 01 - 2005/2006 |
Welcome back to the NFL and welcome back to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord here on themightymjd.com. It's great to have you back and all, but I'm going to need like half of you to stop watching the NFL. The popularity of this thing is getting out of hand. The sports bar is packed. I haven't seen this many asshole frat guys this excited since Britney Spears turned 18. I got here at 11:45, and there was not a table to be had in the front room. There's a whole new group of fans here that don't recognize.
The good news is that the sports bar has done a little remodeling and brought in 5 big-screen HDTVs, and I'm considering moving in. Through my contributions over the years, I've paid for like two of them. If I invested a little better on Sundays, I could have this set-up at home.
The NFL in general, with their pregame shows and highlight packages, can get pretty sappy and sentimental, and I'm usually not someone who goes for stuff like that. But watching Joe Horn going around the Superdome and giving out roses... hey, I'm not made out of wood. I'm not saying I cried or anything, but my eyes were acting strange.
Our waitress has an ass off of which I would not mind eating a plate of spaghetti. I mean, that thing is good. She's got her little ordering pad stuck into the top of the back of her snug black little shorts, and if there was an item on the menu that read, "Sniff the waitress's order pad," they'd have a buyer.
Great news. There's a little girl sitting at the table in front of us, and the waitress is bending over to talk to her. I love football season.
And yes, I feel like a dirty, lecherous old man.
I've seen some of stuff in HDTV before, but never for an extended period of time. Here's my first major observation. We all know that everyone on TV wears makeup. And the makeup techniques that have been developed were for standard TVs. The proliferation of HDTV is going to make the development of some new methods necessary. Chris Berman looks like he is composed entirely of Turtle Wax, and Chris Mortensen, I believe, has embalming fluid running through his veins.
Between the anniversary of September 11th, Thomas Herrion, and Hurricane Katrina, I hope the NFL doesn't forget to play some actual football today.
Out of nowhere, I feel a big meaty hand slap my back and a familiar voice in my ear. Oh, you know who it is...
Crazy motherfucking Fish Guy, baby.
He's wearing his standard uniform... jeans, tight gray t-shirt (stained, too, by the way), and positively filthy Dolphins hat. He's got at least three different pieces of paper that he's using for gambling, and one of them looks more complicated than any textbook I currently own. I've got two tables pulled together, and he asks me if all the seats are taken. I tell him yes, I think they will be. He says he'll just sit down until everyone else gets there (he doesn't actually leave the table for about five hours).
Crazy Fish Guy calls his bookie, and I can't hear everything, but I know he's put some lumber down on the Fish and the Titans.
Ten minutes before gametime, this place is overflowing. People are standing in the back, like when the church is too full. I hope there's some kind of a work stoppage or something in the NFL soon. I feel like too many people are on the bandwagon, and I'm not comfortable with it.
Crazy Fish Guy has entered Hour #2 of his call to his bookie.
My buddy Danks remarks that Greg Gumbel looks even whiter in HDTV. These TVs are so good that they see into the soul.
Randy Cross lists the keys to the game for the Titans, and one of them is, "Keep Steve McNair smiling." Sammy asks if offensive linemen will be talking to him in the huddle and saying, "Hey, Steve, a rabbi, a priest, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar..."
Before the Redskins game at FedEx Field, there is a touching tribute for the anniversary of September 11th. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are singing, and as always, the crowd is moved by the tender emotion and sincerity in their voices. LaVar Arrington is laughing while swaying back and forth and singing along, and I just yelled to Jessica Simpson, "I WANT TO SEE YOUR TITS." It was a very somber and moving tribute.
Oh, these Bills uniforms are cash. I don't think they're permanent, but they're the royal blue with the white helmets and red buffalo painted on the side. These are from the OJ era. If there was a trail of blood around the 15 yard-line, I could almost picture the Juice out there himself. Compared to the monstrosities that the Bills are currently sporting, these things are majestic in their beauty.
The games kick off, and someone almost immediately yells, "GET 'EM, GET 'EM, GET 'EM," the instinctive yell of the Redskins fan. I love that. "GET 'EM" is the favorite saying of the clueless football fan. I'm not saying it's never appropriate, but more often than not, it's what's said by people who follow the game according to only where the ball is. If the opponent has the ball, the only thought is about tackling him. If their team has the ball, the only thought is about running farther. This is football followed at the very basest level, and Redskins fans have perfected the art.
Man, even the yellow first-down line is crisper and sharper in HDTV. This is so awesome. In HDTV, if you look closely enough at the back of Patrick Ramsay's jersey, it says "SHULER."
There's always one guy who has to stand up on any play that isn't completely mundane. We get it, pal. You're excited. You're probably the biggest and most sincere fan in the universe, but please... sit the fuck down, buddy. You aren't at home, and you aren't the only one watching these TVs.
Some QBs are hot early. JP Losman is 8-of-9. Gus Frerotte hasn't hurt himself yet. And Ben Roethlisberger is looking pretty sharp. Danks says, "I guess Ben Roethlisberger took the preseason off." He pauses. "And the postseason." Ouch.
Man, the Fish are giving it to the Broncos. Crazy Fish Guy is happy and chatty. He's calling that the Dolphins are going to be the surprise team of the year. Hey, it's as good a pick as the Bears, which seems to be pretty popular right now. He's hoping for eight wins. Today, against the Broncos, it looks possible.
I think that NFL uniforms should be designed to look like the actual mascot of the team. For instance, the Bears should have to play in actual furry bear costumes, and walk around on all-fours. The Steelers should have to wear pure iron. The Giants should have to play on stilts. The Redskins wouldn't be allowed to wear any pads at all; just otter fur, war paint, and racism.
By the way, Crazy Fish Guy, who's real name I have no interest in knowing, who is at least 25 years older than anyone else at this table, is sitting with us, while Doug, a good friend, and even a family member to one of us, stands in the back. I don't know how that happened.
Patrick Ramsay gets absolutely clotheslined by Bears defender Randy "Macho Man" Savage. I don't think that's legal, in football or in American society. That was just harsh. His eye is black and swelling up like he just went six rounds with Mike Tyson.
Willie Parker is getting it done, while Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley stand on the sidelines comparing retirement plans. Willie has over 100 total yards in the first half and has been fairly unstoppable so far.
Hey, Jerry Rice is in the studio for CBS's pregame show. Man, he looks much younger with eye black and a football helmet on. I don't know if retirement has been particularly stressful for him or what, but he doesn't look well. He's got miniature asscracks under his eyes, his mustache is just nasty, and a small Shetland pony could jump through either of his hoop earrings. Not an attractive fellow.
Gus Frerotte has completed 8 straight. There's a sentence I didn't think I'd be typing, ever.
The Redskins take a 3-0 lead. That might just win it for them.
Crazy Fish Guy calls his bookie back and puts some lumber down on the Chargers. That can't be anything but good karma for the Bolts. By the way, Crazy Fish Guy, who clearly has a gambling problem, is soliciting advice from Danks and my buddy Doug, and he's just blindly taking it. You'd think someone who does so much gambling experience would have a little better system than just asking the asshole sitting next to him at the bar.
In some kind of a halftime montage before the Redskins game goes to a commercial, there appears to be a clip of Roy Firestone singing. Did I see that correctly? Were they having a hard time booking someone for the national anthem? How did they get to Roy Firestone? "Well, Lee Greenwood's booked, we can't get Neil Young, Paul Simon's on vacation... hey, I wonder if Roy Firestone can sing?"
Frisman Jackson gets on the board for the Browns. You can't fuck with Frisman.
Willie Parker continues to be a beast. I mean, he's just bouncing off defenders. Right now, he is the only running back in fantasy football having a good day. There is no close 2nd. I think Duce Staley just looked up "Jeff Gilooly" in the phone book.
Ben Roethlisberger, nicknamed "Mr. September" by a couple of the non-Steeler fans at the table, currently has a perfect quarterback rating.
When I'm hanging out with my boys, and I hear someone's cell phone ring,and it's playing some sissy song, I have a standard joke that I go to. I hear some girly little jingle, and I'm about to say, "Hey, some little girl's cell phone is ringing," when Crazy Fish Guy answered the phone in question.
For some reason, there's a ton of Bills fans in the house today. Some Cowboys fan in the room is giving it to them, asking how many Super Bowls they've won, and then saying something about them getting the Cowboys' "sloppy seconds." That makes me laugh.
Steve McNair gets rocked. With HDTV, I believe I just saw his sternum crack. I remark that it's mean to hit a frail old man that hard. Danks says it's evidence that Pittsburgh is racist for sacking a black quarterback.
Hey, it's a Tommy Maddox sighting. Danks asks if this is the first sign of a quarterback controversy in Pittsburgh.
Miami isn't just beating Denver, they're whooping some ass. Only Crazy Fish Guy and Nick Saban had any idea that this would happen.
Jake Plummer throws an interception, hitting a wide open Dolphin right in the numbers. And at the end of the play, he's talking shit. What's he saying? "Hey, I'm Jake Plummer, baby. Yeah, I threw an interception, and I'll do it again. You doubt me? You watch, baby." Plummer, by the way, has grown an outstanding porn moustache. I suggest that his nickname be changed from "The Snake" to "The Trouser Snake."
I think that anyone who tackles Joe Horn clearly hates the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
The Broncos gets the ball back, and Jake Plummer, true to his word, throws another interception. You've got to admire his resolve and his willingness to stick to his style of play.
At some point in the 4th quarter, the Texans have 25 passing yards.
The Broncos get the ball back, and Jake Plummer throws and hits a Dolphins defender in the back. He's throwing at Dolphins like it's his job.
The Fish score again, and this is a route. Gus Frerotte has an incredible day. Do I hear a little bit of Frerotte MVP chatter? Hey, I'm glad I didn't pick up the Broncos defense and start them today or anything.
John Carney hits a field goal for the Saints, and they get a win against the Panthers. I had a feeling this would happen. I don't know if they can carry this momentum too deep into the season, but I think they probably went out today and had more focus than anyone. No team was happier to take the field than the Saints, and like everyone else, I'm glad they got this W.
Tough one for the Panthers fans, but keep your heads up, fellas. You can lean into the strike zone and take this one for the team.
And while we're on the subject, CBS keeps showing this clip of people in the Astrodome watching the Saints win, and none of them look that happy. They just don't. You know, you've heard a lot about how the people want the Saints to win the game for them, and that football can really be a good diversion, and for some people, I have no doubt that that's true. But at the same time, maybe that's something that we and the media tell ourselves to make us feel better about spending our entire Sunday doing this.
The Chargers game is about to get underway, and the Bills fans who were taking abuse from the Cowboys fans earlier have gotten on my side. Nice.
After the Chargers take an early 7-0 lead, the Cowboys commit penalties on five straight plays, or perhaps I should say attempted plays. Five straight. Chances are, they were going three-and-out anyway, so it doesn't hurt them that much. At least not until Bill Parcells gets them in practice next week.
Now that Crazy Fish Guy has gone, my buddy Chris lets me know that as soon as Crazy Fish Guy sat down, he leaned back and stretched, revealing some massive pit stains. Crazy Fish Guy rolls in style.
Eli Manning connects with Jeremy Shockey on a nice TD strike against the Cardinals. Has there ever been a more loathsome combination to ever hook up for a touchdown? Did Ken Stabler ever throw a touchdown pass to Osama bin Laden?
Some fucking guy named Crayton keeps making big plays for the Cowboys. I have never heard of this man. It was cute for a few minutes, but it's quickly losing it's appeal. I hope someone stabs him in the leg soon.
Kurt Warner is making me look like a douchebag for doubting him. Still quite early, though.
Doug tells us that he went to a friend's place last night, where they had a keg, but no cups. They also had no ice, and the keg had been sitting in someone's trunk for the entirely of a pretty hot day. Undeterred, they drank hot beer out of mixing bowls. Yes, they are out of high school.
There's a lone 49er fan here, and he's excited. He's jumping up and down, showing off a pretty good vertical, in fact. He's like Crazy Fish Guy, except he's young, black, capable of jumping, and not forcing his presence on me.
There's a play where Cowboys douchebag Patrick "Who the fuck?" Crayton catches a pass, clearly got his hands under it, and had it ruled an incompletion. Crayton didn't say a word, he just got up and went back to the huddle. He didn't even shake his head. Joe Buck feels the need to compliment him for this, for some reason. They did eventually review it, but had the Chargers been quicker to the line of scrimmage, they wouldn't have. He almost screwed himself out of a completion by not bitching, and Joe Buck thinks this is a good thing. I think the severe beating of Joe Buck would be a good thing.
San Francisco is following in the footsteps of Miami and laying wood to the Rams. This is just bizarre.
Luis Castillo is called for a bullshit roughing-the-passer call for rubbing up against Drew Bledsoe. My buddy AJ remarks that you can see Drew Bledsoe's skirt showing from under his uniform, and adds that "his tampon string is really long."
Not to go all Peter King on you, but here's a couple of quick things. Darren Sproles might be the fastest dude in the NFL, and Joey Harrington might be the worst quarterback to ever wear a football uniform.
Drew Bledsoe is playing very well today. He looks 10 years younger... he's playing like he's 38.
Nationals 9, Redskins 9.
I'm ready to wrap this up. Losing because of defensive penalties on 3rd down, an 18-yard punt, and Quentin Jammer's proclivity for grabbing jerseys... well, that's no fun way to lose. Catch y'all next week.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:39 PM 3 comments
