Sunday, October 30, 2005
| Week 08 - 2005/2006 |
I walk in to the front room of the bar, and the waitress who loves me comes over and says hello and makes a little small talk. But the games are better in the back room, so I go take a seat back there. And my server today will be a gutter whore in a Raiders jersey. No other kind of woman wears a Raiders jersey. I'm disgusted.
Here's the dilemma about where to sit today. I can sit back here and watch Giants/Redskins, the best-looking game of the 1 o'clock selections. But if I do, I'll be surrounded by about 40 Redskins fans, who will yell "GET 'EM, GET 'EM, GET 'EM" all day long, and about 20 Giants fans, all of whom look like date rapists. But if I want to see this game, I've got no choice.
Danks gets here and the following exchange takes place:
Him: What's our waitress situation?
Me: We've got some dirty hooker.
Him: Why, is she wearing a Raiders jersey?
By the way, I haven't seen Crazy Fish Guy in a month. Danks thinks some bookie may have broken his kneecaps or something. I'm picturing him walking in with casts on his thumbs, and we'll ask him, "Hey man, what happened?" And he'll smile his goofy smile and say something like, "Ah, I got in a little deep with my bookie, and then I took the Saints and the points and let it ride."
They're having a lengthy Wellington Mara tribute before the game at the Meadowlands, concluding with his granddaughter singing the national anthem. My buddy AJ asks, "You think she's legal?"
I can't apologize enough for that.
By the way, 40 grandchildren? Does the Mara family not believe in contraception?
In addition to the Giants and Redskins, the Cowboys are on back here, too. Why are the most annoying groups of fans all in the NFC East? I'm not really rooting for anyone back here, I'm just waiting for other people to cheer and when it begins to die down, I'll yell, "I HATE THE NFC EAST."
Hey, it's a David Carr touchdown pass. I hope his parents had the VCR running. Someone named Mathis catches it, and I don't know who the hell that is. It couldn't be Terrence, could it? Nah... probably more likely to be his son, actually.
And the Brownies quickly answer. What the hell's going on here? They've already eclipsed the total amount of points that I thought would be scored in this game. In fact, they've doubled it. I was expecting this game to be a pain-inflicting ordeal. Still plenty of time for that, though.
The Redskins can't get anything going on offense. They've gone 3-and-out twice already. The Giants defense is fired up, which surprises me, because I know I saw a few of them during the pre-game ceremonies standing on the sidelines with a "Who the hell is Wellington Mara?" look on their face.
But the good news for the Redskins is that Eli Manning is not sharp at all. He's lofting balls up for interceptions about every other time he drops back. One gets picked in the endzone, which the commentators blamed on a lack of effort from Plax. In fairness, since I called him a girl last week, I don't think you can blame Plax for that one at all. Eli threw a balloon ball off his back foot. He just looks off today, like he's playing with a sprained uterus.
Sign being held by a Texans fan: "HELP."
LaMont Jordan scores for the Raiders, jogs over to the goal post, calmly leans and against it, and then leisurely strums an imaginary guitar. I like it... there's some creativity today.
And then someone named Courtney Roby (any relation to Reggie?) scores for the Titans, and does the "I'm Courtney Roby and I scored a touchdown and I don't know what the hell to do with myself so I'll leap and hug the goalposts and fall to the ground" dance. Also creative.
A couple of dudes show up in their Ron Burgundy and Champ Kind Halloween costumes. Oh, they are perfect. This guy even looks like Champ. Ron has a perfect fake mustache. That's outstanding, boys. Nice work.
And I don't know if he's with them, but here comes a Maury Finkel. If you haven't seen Starsky & Hutch multiple times as I have, you might not remember who that is. He's the character that Starsky dresses up as at the benefit where they confront Reese Feldman. "Ooh! Look at these two hot chickens. Finkel wants some dinkle. Give it to me. Huh. Come on, Do it. Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it." Another great costume.
Kyle Orton is shredding the Lions. At the half, he's like 10 of 14 for 170 yards and a touchdown, with no interceptions. How bad would it suck to be a Lions fan and know that Kyle Orton is worlds better than any QB on your roster?
I haven't seen our Raiders-fan waitress in like an hour, by the way. Just terrible service... though I suppose it's difficult to be an attentive server when you're taking 15-minute breaks every hour to get triple-teamed in the bathroom. If you're a woman, nothing says "I hate myself and I'll orally pleasure you for three dollars" like a Raiders jersey.
It's nice to see a day of football, by the way, where every team is wearing two sleeves of the same color. Who's idea was that? Did Liberace design some football uniforms before he passed away? Baton twirlers have different colored sleeves. Not football players.
But if the Chargers happen to come out later with one gold sleeve, it will be the coolest thing ever.
The halftime show at Texas Stadium has some kind of a scary Halloween theme, and there's a hearse sitting on the sidelines. It might just be me, but I think this is a strange time and place to be having Wellington Mara's funeral.
Eli's having his worst game of the season, and still, the Giants lead 19-0 at halftime. The Redskins look bafflingly bad on offense, which is not something I'd have predicted. Not only because they've been pretty good so far, but also because the Giants D has been so bad.
And that leads me to believe that when you die, if you go to heaven, you get to affect the outcomes of your team's football games. Maybe it only works if you're an owner, though, or really rich. I dunno. But as a tip for all the gamblers out there, if I die, put some lumber down on the Bolts.
The Redskins come out and fumble the 2nd-half kickoff. I guess that's good in a way, just to take away any remaining hope that Redskins fans had. It's better to just start accepting the loss now.
I don't know if this is a Halloween costume, but there's a guy here wearing a jean jacket and cut-off jean shorts. Except for the sheer ridiculousness of it, nothing about it suggests Halloween, I dunno. Either way, nice get-up, Denim Dan.
Wow. Brett Favre has five interceptions. He really should consider retiring... and I don't mean after the season, I mean right now, halfway through the third quarter. Go up to a referee, turn on his mic, and say, "I have five interceptions today. I apologize. I'm not good anymore, and I'm going home to listen to Toby Keith albums and mow my grass. Thank you."
Danks and I just spent a solid five minutes reminiscing about Perfect Strangers. Not the Deep Purple album, the ABC sitcom featuring Larry Appleton and Balki Bartokomous from the island of Mepos. I loved that show when I was growing up. I did once feel betrayed, though, when Balki was picking NFL games and he was deciding between the Chargers and Bills, and he took the Bills and said, "You can charge and charge and charge, but you always have to pay the Bills." I never felt the same about Balki after that.
The Redskins/Giants game is officially a blowout now. The Giants should start insisting that one member of the front office at least fake their death every week, because it seems to work for them. The Cowboys are pulling away from the Cardinals, and the only remaining close games that I can see are Browns/Texans and Jags/Rams. The next hour or so could be uneventful.
The Browns are down three, and have a 4th and 17 as time is running out. They've got one chance to get a field goal, send it to overtime, and give the people what they want: more Texans/Browns action.
And they can't do it... the Texans get their first win of the year. Say, who do you think is happier with their latest major career decision: Charlie Weis or Romeo Crennel?
Hey, it's CRAZY FISH GUY! Sweet. He appears to be injury-free, but he's a little unkempt. Maybe no one broke his thumbs, but it's possible that someone named Guido just held his head underwater off and on for about 8 minutes. He's not making an attempt to sit with us, though, which is just how I like it. I like to be in the same room with him, but not close enough to make any actual interpersonal contact.
We got some bonus coverage of the overtime battle for supremacy in the NFC North between Chicago and Detroit. 30 minutes of scoreless football here is a very real possibility.
Check that - Jeff Garcia just summoned all the powers of Joey Harrington and Tommy Maddox and completed a touchdown pass to Charles Tillman. Game over, and the Bears are your NFC North division leaders.
And now, a moral dilemma: would it be wrong of me not to tip the waitress because she's wearing a Charles Woodson jersey? I don't know what to do. I might just offer her $4 and see what she offers me in return.
The Chargers/Chiefs game is underway, and Jim Nantz, seeing Drew Brees drop back and throw downfield, describes it as a "throwing play." That's something you expect to hear a nine-year-old girl say.
And LaDainian Tomlinson connects on a touchdown pass to Eric Parker. His career numbers as a QB: 5 of 6, 104 yards, 4 touchdowns. How many NFL teams could use Tomlinson as a starting quarterback? There are at least three in the NFC North alone.
Meanwhile, Denver is laying wood to the Eagles. Total yardage at this point... Denver 160, Philadelphia 4.
Seeing highlights of the Titans/Raiders game... Pac Man Jones had a rough day. I saw two highlights. On one, it looked like Pac Man tried, but was turned inside out and embarrassed by a Jerry Porter fake. On another play, Porter caught the ball in front of Pac Man, and Pac tried to tackle him by mildly brushing his forearm up against Porter's abdomen. That's just embarrassing. I have never seen a sorrier attempt at a tackle. I hate to say it, Pac Man, but if you're going to make all that noise in the off-season, I think you need to at least try. I know I'm old school, but I'd like you to try.
I can't hear the audio, but CBS is showing Eli Manning making some kind of comments at the postgame press conference. Just a helpful tip to Eli... you shouldn't wear your shirt unbuttoned that far down unless you're wearing some kind of an undershirt, or you have chest hair. The sports coat, unbuttoned shirt, and soft, pasty-white flesh look isn't in anymore.
It's 21-3 Chargers, and Drew Brees and Antonio Gates are both looking unstoppable. As nice as it is that we're up 21-3, we have a tendency not to polish off teams when we have the chance. This is going to get close at some point.
We have a new waitress now for the late games, presumably because our first waitress had to get to her Klan meeting, and the new girl is an old favorite. I make an order, and she says, "I knew you were going to say that." So I said, "Yeah? Well, I wish you were wearing a wet t-shirt. Did you know I was going to say that?"
Alright, I made that up. I didn't really say that.
Mike Tice, at a postgame press conference, is discussing Daunte Culpepper's knee injury when he says, "Obviously, I'm not a doctor..." My buddy Chris says, "Hey, really? You're not a doctor? You couldn't make it through med school, Mike Tice? Shocking."
The 49ers, meanwhile, are beating the Bucs, supposedly one of the NFC's best teams. And speaking of the NFC's best teams, the Broncos are just waxing the Eagles. It is now 28-0, though I have a feeling that game will also be close at some point later in the day.
In a special treat for the loyal Saints fans who showed up in Baton Rouge, Aaron Brooks drops back in the endzone, stands there for a few seconds, and takes a needless sack. He was holding onto the ball like he was David Carr with crazy glue on his hands. Man, Aaron Brooks makes some of the dumbest plays you'll ever see.
Ed Hochuli is making his calls in complete sentences today. For example, he isn't saying, "False start, #75, offense." Instead, he'll say something like, "The player for the Chiefs committed a false start. There will be a penalty of five yards, and it will be second down." Ed reeeally likes the camera.
I'm waiting for his next call, which will sound something like, "The noble gentleman representing the Chiefs of Kansas City was guilty of an egregious infraction. His firm, masculine hands wrapped around the jersey of the player representing the Chargers of San Diego, and this is in violation of Code 17-A in Section 14 of the official NFL rulebook. Laymen refer to this infraction as "holding." The infraction will result in a penalty of five yards. Thank you for your attention, ladies and gentlemen. This has been Ed Hochuli, and I wish you all a good afternoon."
Oh, man. Shawne Merriman just absolutely trucked Priest Holmes' head. You may see hits that look bigger and better on camera, but there was something particularly violent about that hit. Priest is out with what they're calling, "mild head trauma."
Late addition: Continuing with the odd-things-refs-say theme, the ref in the Bills/Patriots game, and I'm not making this up, said that the Patriots committed an "unnatural act, uncommon to the game." What the hell did this man do? Who is this penalty on, Najeh Davenport?
The Chiefs have closed it to 21-10 and are in scoring position. I knew it wouldn't be that easy. It's too bad, because it's making this game longer and I need to get home soon to prepare for my "Vampire Bats" movie-watching party.
Antonio Gates scores a manly touchdown to give the Bolts a little bit of breathing room. Meanwhile, the Eagles have gotten to within 7 of the Broncos.
Hey, why does Gunther Cunningham wear shooting glasses? He's got the yellow-tinted glasses, the headset on... did he just get off the shooting range? When I look at him, I can't help but think he's about to yell, "PULL!"
Nice sign in Baton Rouge: "FORGET THE ALAMO."
Smack it up, flip it, rub it down, oh no! Someone named "Devoe" scores for the Broncos, probably putting that game out of reach. That guy is Poi-soooooooon.
The Saints just lost a 21-6 thriller to the Dolphins, and any fan base that the Saints may have built in Baton Rouge has probably just been destroyed.
Late addition:I want to mention that when I got home, I read on ESPN.com about the guy who jumped on the field during the Packers/Benagls game, took the ball out of Brett Favre's hands, and ran 50 yards before being tackled by security. Something this significant happens, and I don't get a highlight of it? Not once, all day? I understand that the NFL doesn't want to show things that could be detrimental to the sport of football, but... hey, they show Lions games every week. Those aren't doing the game any favors.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:44 PM 3 comments
Sunday, October 23, 2005
| Week 07 - 2005/2006 |
Says Michael Irvin on Countdown, "Rumors are swirling that Ray Lewis is not the player he once was." Um, rumors? Hey, I heard a rumor that China was considering a communist form of government, too. Any truth to that one? Great scoop, Mike. To quote my man Lloyd Christmas as he exits an Aspen bar, "No way... WE LANDED ON THE MOON!"
High-definition is not doing ESPN's Andrea Kramer any favors. She's interviewing Red McCombs, and on certain camera angles, I can't tell who's who.
For those of you that might be wondering about the waitress-love situation today... well, they've sent in the B-team of waitresses. But hey, let's face it, MJD is not above a B-level waitress. In fact, anything above the J- or K-levels, and I'll be alright.
Jake Plummer's being interviewed on Countdown, and he doesn't just have a beard... He's been attending the Ricky Williams/Rasheed Wallace School of Beard Management. If they just showed an isolated shot of the beard itself, you'd think you were looking at a collie that just survived an alligator attack in the Everglades.
Sweet, a Peyton Manning Mic'd Up feature. On the way to the line of scrimmage, he's looking at his teammates and screaming, "SHORT OX! SHORT OX!" That's really sweet and all, but I have no idea why's he's repeatedly shouting his pet name for Kenny Chesney at this point in the game.
Jeff Garcia is getting the nod for the Lions today, and I'm not sure if that's good news. I know that Harrington is terrible, however... Jeff Garcia is at like 70% health, and the starting left tackle is playing with a high ankle sprain. Jeff Garcia could take a beating today worse than the one he got from Byron Hadley after he raped Andy Dufresne. I dunno, I just think Mariucci was pressured into making the move by the media and the fans, and I'll be shocked if 70% of Jeff Garcia does a whole lot better than Joey Harrington today. I like the Brownies to get the W.
Just to let you know, I'm terrified of Terrell Owens abusing the Chargers secondary today. Just wanted to throw that out there.
Early in the game, LaDainian Tomlinson can't get off. The Eagles are stuffing the box like their name is Ron Jeremy. They've got a minimum of 8 in there at all times, and they all appear to be good at their jobs.
By the way, Danks isn't here today, but his girlfriend Meghann is. I think you all know what that means... I'm laying the pipe to her in a bathroom stall between quarters.
Chad Johnson catches a TD pass, shoos his teammates away, and does some kind of a dance... it registers as just slightly annoying. I mean, it wasn't bad, but he's set the bar too high. Maximum creativity is now a necessity, or it just comes off as lame. And not only that, but the TD was waved off after review, so the whole dance was wasted.
Hey, Jeff Garcia runs in a TD. Joey Harrington could've run that in, too. Of course... They were inside the five at the time, and I don't know if Harrington could've gotten them to that point. I think Jeff Garcia could be a friend to the Lions. We all need friends in here, right? It was difficult for Garcia to get the starting position, but after he was named the starter, he soaped up his chest and said, "Hard to get. I like that."
Sweet new Gatorade commercial. They've taken three of the most famous plays in sports, Jordan's shot ever Ehlo, Jeter's backhanded flippy thing, and Dwight Clark's catch in the back of the endzone, and somehow digitally edited them so that the they didn't make the play: Jordan misses, Jeter doesn't make the play, and Clark doesn't make the grab. Then, of course, Gatorade is invented and they do make their plays. Very smooth, Gatorade people. I think the Levitra people should do a similar ad and show Daunte Culpepper on the deck of a boat, unclothed, looking down and saying, "Come on... get up, now. Act like you're alive, little Daunte." Then, Levitra is perfected in the lab and they show Daunte with a life preserver hanging from his midsection area.
Again, no Crazy Fish Guy this week. I don't know where the hell he's been... hopefully, he didn't get in too deep with his bookie and end up at the bottom of the river. There's an unsettling void in my life without him around. Hopefully, he's just staying at home because the Dolphins played on Friday. If he's gone any longer, I may start holding a candlelight vigil.
Alright, this is some bullshit. Ike Taylor of the Steelers tackles Chad Johnson, and gets called for a 15-yarder. It was a somewhat unconventional tackle, he kinda gave him a WWF-style back suplex, but you know... ultimately, he just grabbed him and put him on the ground the best way he could. Why was that illegal? I don't see any reason why that should have been a penalty.
On a 2nd-quarter drive for the Eagles, the Charges have decided to celebrate Personal Foul Fest 2005, racking up two of them consecutively. The good news, however, is that I think both of them were attempts to injure Donovan McNabb, a maneuver that I support wholeheartedly.
Terrell Owens hauls in a touchdown for the Eagles. He pulls out his towel, drapes it over his arm, and carries the football like a tray. It's the waiter celebration. I'd find it fairly amusing if I didn't want to also kinda murder him right now. What I noticed, though, is that Chad Johnson had to make an effort to keep his teammates away to do his dance, while Terrell wasn't inconvenienced with such things, as no one wanted to be near him.
Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception, and I yell, "PUT MADDOX IN." Someone yells back, "FUCK YOU."
Alright, there's this douchebag here in a Terrell Owens jersey, but he's got his back towards the TV where the Eagles game is on, and is cheering like hell for the Steelers. Not that I want there to be more Eagles fans here, but it also kind of bothers me that I'm sitting next to this prick who obviously has no loyalty or human dignity. Even the girls at the table are making fun of this tool. Meghann guesses that he's just a fan of the Steagles, the Steelers/Eagles conglomeration that played together during the war in 1943.
Hines Ward catches a TD pass for the Steelers, and then quickly goes to the back of the endzone to mimic Chad Johnson's Riverdance. I appreciate the effort, and Chad Johnson's certainly opened himself up to be mocked, but man... Hines Ward is not a dancer. I love Hines, and he does a lot of things exceptionally well, but dancing... is not one of them. Wow, that was bad. The list of NFL guys that can dance better than Hines Ward includes Peyton Manning, Dan Krieder, and Javon Walker. Andy Reid could produce a more convincing Riverdance, and it wouldn't even be that hard.
Keenan McCardell answers with a touchdown for the Chargers, and then he mimics Terrell Owens' waiter celebration. I am officially getting tired of touchdown celebrations... is there anyone left in the NFL who can score without a premeditated routine? It's not even that I'm philosophically opposed to the grandstanding, it's just getting played out. It's too trendy and tiresome.
Hey, Danks is here. Meghann better get her panties back on quickly.
Mandy, a friend and an Eagles fan, confronts the afore-mentioned cock in the Eagles jersey, but cheering for Pittsburgh. His excuse is that he's got money on the Steelers. You know, I've got no problem with gambling, but... if you're letting it take precedence over your love for your team, then you don't really love your team. Go play some video poker or something, dickbag.
By the way, this cracks me up... Mandy got an instant message from Chris Rix the other day because he saw her on facebook.com and thought she was hot. That just makes me laugh for some reason.
The Steelers are putting their finishing touches on their "Now Shut the Fuck Up" game against the Bengals. Rough day for Carson Palmer... but the Steelers defense has a way of making things hard on quarterbacks. The bad news for them is that if their later matchup against Pittsburgh means a whole lot in the standings, it's hard to imagine the Bengals having a lot of confidence going into that game. They had just gotten over the whole, "We are the Bengals, we are obligated to suck" vibe, so the Steelers establishing that "You are still our bitch" vibe could hurt them. I'm not saying the Bengals aren't good, because I believe they are, but... sometimes a loss is more than a loss. This one was.
And now the Steelers go the rest of the season without playing more than 1 or 2 good teams, and could conceivably run the table.
There is some kind of crazy alarm going off in The Linc. I don't know if the stadium is under attack, or some Jersey prick just bought the loudest car alarm he could find for his Camaro. Maybe he got it in a package deal with the purple glow lights that go under the car. I jokingly suggest that there's been a terrorist attack on Lincoln Financial Field, and Danks rightly asks, "But why would they want to save the lives of Eagles fans?" I'm waiting for Paul Tagliabue to take over the PA system and shout, "EVACUATE THE CHARGERS! If you're wearing a lightning bolt, get the hell out of here! If you're an Eagles fan, though, just stay put."
Paul Edinger has a chance to win the game for the Vikings with a last-second field goal. I think this is the perfect opportunity for Edinger to get some revenge on his teammates for not inviting him to the sex boat party. Here's the plan, Paul: just go out there, shank the kick, roll it, kick it backwards, tackle the holder, do whatever... and then when someone asks you what happened, just say, "Would it have been so difficult to let me have sloppy seconds?"
Okay. A probably game-clinching field goal for the Chargers was blocked and returned to the house, and we are going to lose. To quote my friend Ron Burgundy, I am completely miserable, San Diego.
Here are the next four pages in my notebook, verbatim: ASS COCK WHORE FUCK FUCK ASS BITCH CUNT BALLS NUTS BEAVER LABIA FUCK ASS BEAVER FUCK TEABAG WHORE WHORE FUCK NUTS BALLS ASS CUNT FUCK FUCK ASS DILDOWHORE CUNT BALLS WHORE FUCK LABIA FUCK WHORE PISSFACE FUCK FUCK FUCK WHORE CUNT TWAT FUCK WHORE BITCH FUCK ASS COCK BEAVER CUNT NUTS FUCK DILDO ASS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK WHORE FUCK FUCK ASS BITCH FUCK CUNT WHORE ASS DILDO FUCK COCKFACE DILDO SHITWHORE CUNT FUCK DONG."
If my scanner was working, I'd have scanned them for you. That was only slightly threapeautic.
I think I'm going to just sit here staring blankly out the window with my mouth hanging open for about an hour. I'm sorry, but it's necessary. I'll get back with you soon.
Phew. Alright. At about halftime of the 4 o'clock games, I'm regaining consciousness. Before I attempt to move on, I'd just like to mention that the Steagles fan who hadn't even watched the game until the Steelers game ended, got up and celebrated like he just made parole. Just a worthless individual. I hate him.
Alright. Here's Mike Tice to get me back in the groove. In his post-game press conference, he says something about the team "heeding (his) warning and staying off the street." I don't think it's the street you have to worry about, coach. No one orchestrated an orgy on a city bus. You need to keep the boys off of the open seas.
I've got an idea for the Ravens/Bears game, and I'm only half-joking about this: outlaw the forward pass. Have a true Turn Back the Clock Day. Don't let anyone punt, move the field goal posts back to the front of the endzone, outlaw the forward pass, and let's just go at it. Would either head coach not agree to this? The fans deserve it.
Alright, I was wrong about Jeff Garcia. I should just go back and edit out my previous comments, but screw it... I'm not embarrassed by my idiocy. MJD gives it to you raw. Garcia completed 22 of 34, and I don't think Joey Harrington could complete 22 passes in 60 minutes if there was no defense on the field. Nice win, Lions. Someday, I want to go to a county fair with Joey Harrington and stand behind him when he tries again and again to win a stuffed animal by throwing the football through the toilet seats, and he just can't do it.
There is no NFL player more afraid of contact than Plaxico Burress. He's an extremely talented guy and makes tough catches, but if there's a hit coming his way, he will turtle. He could be up there with Moss and Owens if he had any balls whatsoever.
Lamont Jordan scores for the Raiders, falls down in the endzone, and then spontaneously decides to turn it into a touchdown celebration. He kind of leans back, sprawls out a little bit, and gives a little Playgirl pose. Not that I know what those look like... it's just... well, I've certainly painted myself into a corner here, haven't I?
Am I the only one finds it a lot less fun to watch Jake Plummer play when he's not throwing interceptions like it's his job? It's just... it's a part of the Jake Plummer experience. It doesn't feel right if he doesn't just shut his eyes and toss one to a defender once every half. It would've been like going to see Andrew Dice Clay perform when he was on his "I'm going clean" kick. You just expect certain things from people, even if they're not such great things. We, as football fans, are being robbed.
We've got a challenge here in the Broncos/Giants game. Jake Plummer may or may not have been attempting to throw the ball. The "tuck rule" could come into play here, which would be awesome, since the guy who hit him is named "Tuck."
While we're on the Jake Plummer roll here, my buddy Chris goes off once again about the sexual deviant that he suspects Jake Plummer to be. I don't think it's true, I think Jake is probably a pretty good guy, but this made me laugh nonetheless: "He's the kind of guy that I can see walking around his house with a robe on, no other clothes, and smoking a Black & Mild."
I can't hear the audio, but Donovan McNabb is giving a post-game interview. If he's a man, here's how the interview is going: "We are lucky. I am not very good. We lucked into a win and beat a team that we are not better than. I will now retire and become Marty Schottenheimer's cleaning lady."
Alright, I may have gone overboard with that. McNabb is good, and should not become Marty's cleaning lady until after he retires. But I don't believe that the Eagles are better than the Chargers. I can't. I won't. I am so sadly and hopelessly bitter.
Sweet. A commercial for the new 50 Cent movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'. Here's a couple of tidbits for you that might not make it into the movie, which have come to me via an undisclosed source: Someone who grew up next to 50 Cent wasn't allowed to go over to his house when they were young children because his mother was a crack dealer. In addition, 50 Cent stole her brother's bike. Where else are you going to get information like that?
I'm not the kind of guy who leaves games early because of the weather, but... the fans that are sitting through the Bears/Ravens game in this monsoon deserve some kind of a special award. Seriously. No sports team, especially one as unentertaining as the Bears, has any right to expect fans to sit through something that ugly in such terrible conditions. If you're a Bears fan, and you were there, and you stayed... hey, big ups to you, I guess, but your team loyalty might be at an unhealthy level. See a therapist to make sure you're okay.
Phil Simms provides some bizarre kicking analysis that I've never heard before. Elam misses a long one for the Broncos, and Simms says he missed it because he hit the ball too hard, causing it to compress and spin to the right. Um... what? Did Phil Simms enroll at the same online university where Shaq's getting a degree and take a physics class this week? Why have I never heard that before? Is there any chance that it's true? And if not, why the hell is Phil Simms making things up about kickers?
Plaxico Burress just gives up on a route, and I'm not sure if it caused it directly, but the pass was picked off. It looked like he could've gotten there; if not to catch it, certainly to get a hand on it and knock it down. Eli has an exasperated look on his face like, "Hey, make an effort, asshole." And he's right. Plax is quite girly.
Oh, this is not good. Drew Bledsoe throws an interception with the score tied and under 20 seconds left in the Seahawks/Cowboys game. And not only that, but it was returned into field goal range. This is going to hurt, Cowboys fans.
And the field goal is good. Yeah. That'll hurt. I don't think it's as bad as the blocked field goal, mainly because, as Chris pointed out, you can at least pinpoint the sheer idiocy for the Cowboys. You at least have someone to clearly blame.
My pen is running out of ink. Perhaps the four pages of unbridled profanity weren't such a good idea.
We've got quite a finish here for the Giants/Broncos game. The Giants have 8 seconds from inside the five, down six points. A Broncos loss would at least take a little bit of the sting out of the Chargers loss.
And Eli finds Amani Toomer for the touchdown. That felt good until I just realized that I was cheering for Eli Manning. Now I have to go home, punish myself by drinking a bottle of Mad Dog and send Archie Manning some hate mail to make up for it. Until next week...
Late edit: I just saw that happened to the Saints, and I take back all of my bitching about the Chargers loss. They were done in a very dirty way... I feel like I just complained about being hungry and then saw a Sally Struthers in Africa commercial. I am sorry, Saints fans.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:26 PM 2 comments
Sunday, October 16, 2005
| Week 06 - 2005/2006 |
If I was at the Vikings game today, I'd have dressed up in a sailor outfit, put a rip in my pants, messed up my hair and held a sign that said, "FRED SMOOT, YOU WERE FANTASTIC."
All the pregame shows, of course, have some talk about Tedy Bruschi and his possible comeback sometime this season. I've gotta tell ya, I think he was faking the entire thing. I think he was jealous of all the attention Tom Brady gets, so he came up with some bullshit stroke. I just think it's low.
I have an unfortunate feeling that I'm going to be seeing Bill Romanowski in commercials all day long. What an absolutely loathsome human being this son-of-a-bitch is. He spends his entire career with a needle in his ass, taking cheap shots, snapping guys' fingers for no reason, spitting on black people and cheating at every opportunity... am I expected to feel some sympathy for him because he's in tears now? Well, I don't. I'm glad. I hope it hurts, Bill.
There's a dude here in a unique jersey, and if you're a longtime Smorgasbord reader, you may remember me talking about him last year. And the year before. He's got a Saints Ricky Williams #34 jersey. But he's taped over the "WILLIAMS" and over the 34s and written "McALLISTER" over Williams and 26s over the 34s. This was cute when the Saints got rid of Ricky and drafted Deuce. I used to find the display admirable. But it's time to let it go, man. Turn the page. We're going on year #3 here, and he couldn't have washed that thing. I mean, it's masking tape and an ink pen. If it ends up giving him a rash, he probably deserves it.
While we're on the subject of jerseys, there's a dude here in a Steelers #66 Alan Faneca jersey. That is to be admired. O-Lineman worship is at a premium in our football society. And you know, at the same time, it's a pretty intelligent investment. Guys like Faneca don't go anywhere, so you won't have to buy another jersey next year. You buy a Porter or Bettis jersey, and you just aren't safe
Chris Mortenson drops these tidbits on NFL Countdown this morning: In the wake of the Orgy on Lake Minnetonka, Mike Tice has tightened up the Vikings' dress code. I think that's a great idea for two reasons. One, guys in expensive suits don't do anything sexually deviant. And two, the boat went out, an entire orgy ensued and concluded, and the boat was back on shore, all in about 40 minutes. A shirt, tie, and some cufflinks might slow down the nudity process, so they could be a little farther out on the lake before the police are called. And I'd like to take a second here and tell David Stern that with his dress code, he is now thinking along the same lines as Mike Tice and that is not, I repeat, not, a good thing.
And Mort's other tidbit is that he Tice now requiring the Vikings to be on time for team meetings. Strict disciplinarian, that Mike Tice. I like that so much better than the, "Hey, if you're in the area, how about stopping by?" policy.
A whole two passes into the Steelers/Jaguars game, Tommy Maddox has thrown an interception. All that time off really hasn't affected his game, it appears. I'm not so sure that's good news for the Steelers.
We see a commercial for the new video game, "Blitz: The League," which has Lawrence Taylor as a spokesman. The game features things that the NFL would never allow in Madden, like players getting busted for coke, going out and partying, transporting strippers across state lines and paying them to let you do lines of coke off of their tits on Lake Minnetonka, you know... stuff like that. And in a clip of the gameplay, a guy is tackling another player from behind when he rips his helmet off and then swings it at his head. I'm not sure, but I think this game might be a little bit over-the-top.
The waitress who's jonesing for the MJD-love is apparently not in the house today. The waitress we do have, however, is unbelievably hot. I mean, if I heard that the Orgy on Lake Minnetonka broke out because Daunte Culpepper saw this girl and felt he had to do some certain things, I'd just have to say, "Well... okay, sometimes these things happen." She's really got the entire package, and to be honest with you, there's no way that I'm getting out of this Smorgasbord without seeming like a complete sleazebag today.
And here's Tommy Maddox's second interception, about six passes into the game. This was even worst than the first one. He's really taking a lot of the pressure off of Daunte Culpepper and Anthony Wright. They're both checking the out-of-town scoreboard and thinking, "Well, I can't be the worst NFL quarterback today."
Steve Smith is the man. He goes 80 yards for a touchdown, gets to the endzone, and then rocks the football in his arms like a baby. My favorite part is when he motions to quiet down the fans because the baby's sleeping. Classic. I liked it more than the riverdance.
Hey, touchdown pass for Tommy Maddox. Actually, Heath Miller did a lot of the work on that one, but hey, it does count as a touchdown pass for Tommy Maddox. I smell a quarterback controversy in Pittsburgh.
Uh-oh... free shots. The bartender screwed up making someone's shots, and our wood-inspiring waitress has chosen to bring them to us, free of charge. The problem is that no one has any idea what's in them, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it. All four of them go down... and ugh. I'm thinking it was some kind of a nasty whiskey/apple juice mixture, and it was disgusting. Sweet Lord, that was a mistake on my part.
Hey, Anthony Wright is 13/15. I think there might be something to my theory about Tommy Maddox taking the pressure off of him. I think Brian Billick took him aside and said, "Listen, you positively cannot be the worst quarterback in the NFL today, which will be a nice change of pace for all of us. Anthony, you can't even be the worst quarterback in the division. Just let it loose, man."
Tommy Maddox is so bad. Most of his passes aren't even getting close. The commentators are openly wondering who he's throwing these passes to.
I am really regretting that I'm not seeing the Vikings/Bears game right now, because there are probably endless joke opportunities that I'm missing. My man AJ has somehow not heard anything about the whole fiasco, so he asks what happens, which gives me the chance to say, "Imagine you're an 18-year-old kid waiting tables on this cruise, and all the sudden, you turn around and see Bryant McKinnie standing behind you, bucknaked with his rock-hard dick in his hand."
And just to be clear, I have no idea if Bryant McKinnie was on that cruise, but it was the most frightening thing I could think of to say. Really. Picture it.
Chris Gardocki, who has never had a punt blocked in his career, has one blocked. He's punted how many thousands of times, and he picks the week where Tommy Maddox is starting to get one blocked? Poor timing, dude.
I find it odd how someone as unlikable as Peyton Manning can produce such entertaining commercials. Holding up the D-CAF sign as someone serves him coffee... that's inspired. And the part where they show him at the country music concert, doing a line dance and screaming at the guy on stage, "YOU'RE HOT! I LOVE YOU!" is also awesome.
An errant Drew Bledsoe pass sails into the sidelines and pegs a Cowboys cheerleader in the ass, making it the third ball that's slapped against her ass today.
The Steelers are moving the ball on this drive only through Jacksonville pass interference penalties. Considering the circumstances, I think it's a pretty good idea. Send the receivers out, and tell them that if a defender even runs by them, they should hit the ground like they've been shot. I think Bill Cowher went out and hired Vlade Divac to coach the secondary for this game.
Alright, Michael Vick is currently 7-of-18 against a New Orleans pass defense that just gave up 52 points to the previously worthless Green Bay Packers. I know that his rushing yards are nice, but are 47 extra rushing yards worth that? Do you want 7-of-18 with 47 rushing yards, or 12-of-18 with no rushing yards? I'm not saying I'd bench Vick, but I think it's reasonable to ask the question.
Ooooh... Crazy hot waitress rubbing my back. Crazy hot waitress rubbing my back. Ohh, she wants it. I'm going to beat it up like Michael did Billie Jean. Wait. Now she's rubbing AJ's back. Dammit. I am not special. Cocktease.
The Steelers, mired in a close and aesthetically displeasing game, sack Byron Leftwich. AJ yells at the top of his lungs, "EAT FUCKIN' SHIT." That makes me laugh.
Hey, is it just me, or does this Smorgasbord seem inordinately filthy? I'm sorry. I'll try to clean it up. I don't want it to be like that.
Dallas, up by seven, has to punt the ball from their own 1 with about a minute left. They barely get the punt off, and Eli Manning will have 52 seconds to travel 54 yards. Let's see if he can do it.
Well, it took two plays. Stalwart defense, Cowboys.
Meanwhile, Jacksonville has a very reasonable chance to put the Steelers away right here. They're driving at the end of regulation with a chance to get into field goal range.
They don't do it, and Pittsburgh's getting the ball first in overtime. Quincy Morgan unleashes a long kickoff return, getting the Steelers into field goal range, which is nice, since Tommy Maddox isn't about to lead anything resembling an offensive football drive.
And here's a brutal interception, gift-wrapping a victory and politely handing it to the Jaguars. Tommy Maddox did everything there except turn around and block for the guy on his return to the house.
How bad could Charlie Batch possibly be? Bill Cowher just witnessed maybe the worst single-game quarterbacking performance in modern NFL history, and didn't even bother to warm Charlie Batch up. If Bill Cowher is any kind of a reasonable human being, you have to conclude that Charlie Batch goes through every practice drunk. Chris suggests that there are 50 or so NFL quarterbacks that the Steelers could have won with today. I think it might even be higher. If you go through the top two quarterbacks on every NFL team excluding the Steelers, that's 62 quarterbacks. None of them could have been worse. Charlie Batch, and I'm only half-kidding, had to have shown up at Heinz Field on Sunday morning shitfaced. Either that, or the Kordell Stewart era has made Bill Cowher decide that he's never going to play a black quarterback ever again.
The key to beating the Steelers is clearly to hurt Ben Roethlisberger. You know, I'm never glad that injuries happen, but... if Luis Castillo is going to put his helmet into Ben Roethlisberger's knee, why did he have to wait until the end of the game? Do it early, so at least someone can benefit from it.
Chris Weinke steps in for a knocked-silly Jake Delhomme and calmly leads a touchdown drive to beat the Lions. That had to be difficult for Joey Harrington to watch. Weinke, the first guy to ever be nearing retirement in his 3rd year in the league, comes in out of nowhere and does something that Joey Harrington is still incapable of doing. Ouch. If he doesn't feel completely inadequate, he should.
Alright. It's Chargers/Raiders time. I love how Marty Schottenheimer hates the Raiders. I really do. Most coaches, you ask them about the rivalry game, and they say they prepare like they do for any other week, the win is the important thing, etc. Not Marty. He dreams about punching Al Davis in the face, which is something I'd pay to see. All week long, he treats practices differently, he's more fired up, he wants the win more than he wants any other. I love that.
And early on, the Chargers are just making it look easy. Tomlinson is just shredding the womanly Raiders defense. Would it be blasphemous to say that he's like a faster, stronger, Walter Payton? I know I'm as unreasonably biased as Shawn Hannity, but that's what it looks like to me. Watching him run is maybe the most enjoyable thing in sports.
Randy Moss has either suffered a groin injury, or has just decided to get a little bit freaky with the trainer on the sidelines. Moss is laying on his back while the trainer is on his knees in front of him, spreading and closing his legs. I really think that sort of thing should be done in the privacy of their homes. I mean, you don't see Payton Manning and Kenny Chesney doing that in public.
Although you may get tired of reading the joke, I never get tired of yelling "MAZEL TOV!" when Bhawoh Jue makes a play for the Chargers.
These Raiders fans. I just in disbelief everytime I see these douchebags. Do they think they intimidate someone? I've got news for you, fellas. Grown men do not carry lightsabers, okay? There's a name for people who dress up in Darth Vader costumes. It's "trick-or-treaters." Unless your buddy Chewbacca is next to you, you have a bag of candy in your hands, and you're under 12 years old, there is no excuse. Your family is embarrassed by your behavior. I'm sure of that.
Denver has opened up a 14-3 lead on the Patriots, and they've done it in a fairly impressive fashion. Can they really be this good? I think the whole secret may be in Jake Plummer's nasty-ass beard. It somehow shields the Broncos from bad luck, as if bad luck is repulsed by the sheer repugnance of the beard. A Denver collapse at some point just seems inevitable to me. Probably right after Plummer shaves.
Speaking of Jake Plummer, CBS gives us a close-up of him. Says Danks, "Jake Plummer is gross." Chris says, "Yeah, you wanna talk about some guy who does some dirty sexual shit on boats? That's Jake Plummer."
Hank Milligan puts a big hit on a Raider on a special teams play, and then helps him up. I am not okay with that. Hank Milligan should be fined.
I hadn't seen the clip yet, but right after the Jacksonville win, Rashean Mathis did a postgame interview and said, "Oh, we needed this. This win is a statement around the league." What, a statement that you can beat Tommy Maddox? That you can outrun him to the endzone after he hits you in the chest with a pass? Congratulations. Your next "statement" could be something equally impressive, like, "When we get dressed before the game, we don't get no help from anybody. We dress ourselves."
Bhawoh Jue puts a big hit on somebody, and Steve Tasker says something like, "And Jue really hit him hard." This is a rare case of reverse anti-Semitism. Which, I guess you could just call "Semitism."
A Raiders fan is wearing a black t-shirt that reads in big white letters, "THE BLACK HOLE." I think it's rare and a little bit creepy that a person wears a shirt that bears a description of his mother's vagina.
Vinny Testaverde gets in the endzone on a quarterback sneak and then executes the most forced and uncomfortable spike in endzone celebration history. If you gave Maury Povich a football and told him to spike it, that's what it would look like.
Steve Tasker: "You aren't going to find a lot of guys around the league that are going to lose sleep over Bill Romanowski crying." I just became a Steve Tasker fan.
Ice Cube is walking through the Oakland crowd, and in a very Greg Gumbel-esque moment, Gus Johnson refers to him as "one of the greatest rappers of all-time," after he called him "Ice T." Call me crazy, but I get the feeling that Gus Johnson doesn't listen to a lot of rap. And Cube wasn't even that enormously popular... the last time he had a hit was about the same time that Warren Sapp was an effective football player.
Speaking of our waitress's ass, AJ says, "I just want to pet it. That's all I want." Sorry. I couldn't keep it clean for that long. I am who I am. Don't judge.
The Chargers have put away the Raiders, and I'd love to get some help from the Patriots against the Broncos, but right now, they just aren't good enough... and that's going to end the Smorgasbord for the day.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 9:08 PM 5 comments
Sunday, October 09, 2005
| Week 05 - 2005/2006 |
I walk in and sit down at the same table I always do, a waitress comes and gets me a drink, and I'm sitting there with a menu and a beverage in front of me... and then the same girl who was eager to pleasure me last week comes over, puts her hand on the back of my head and says, "Is anyone taking care of you, sweetie?" I guess that depends on what she means by "taking care of me." There's always room to take it to another level of service, and I'm ready to explore all options.
ESPN's Countdown has Jon Gruden mic'd up from last week's game, where he drops this quote as he stalks up and down the sideline: "WHAT HASH ARE WE ON? WHAT YARD LINE ARE WE ON? WHAT THE FUCK?" Is that all it takes to be an NFL coach? Not paying attention to the game, and a love of profanity? Where can I get an application? I will scream "fuck" until my vocal chords can take no more. It could be what I was born to do.
Thanks to a God that is truly merciful and good, I have yet to see Fox's pregame show this year. As much as I bag on ESPN, NFL Countdown is so far ahead of both Fox and CBS's pregame shows... it's like comparing Curb Your Enthusiasm to Everybody Loves Raymond. Anyway, Fox is on this week at the bar, for some reason, and they're having some kind of "NFL's Sexiest Man" bracket. I'm not kidding. They're having some kind of a debate about the sexiest guy in the NFL. They'd bring in Kenny Chesney as a guest expert if they thought he and Terry Bradshaw wouldn't wind up on the floor naked. Kenny likes the rednecks.
I'm rolling a little light today. I'm usually here with 5 or 6 amigos, but today there's just two of us... and AJ's afraid to say anything because he doesn't want me to make fun of him here in the Smorgasbord. Another friend is having a birthday party for his one-year-old today... should I feel bad because I didn't go? The kid is one. I'd wish him happy birthday if he, y'know, could comprehend any kind of basic human thought at his age. He understands like three things... strained carrots, pretty cartoons, and mommy's nipples. That's it. He doesn't need me today. He's not going to miss me, whereas, I'd like to think that the hundreds and thousands of people that read the Smorgasbord would indeed be disappointed if it wasn't here. I've got to do what I can to make the most people happy, right? Sorry little buddy. Maybe next year. Try to make it a Tuesday or something.
I've got a couple of predictions for this week: Matt Schaub, for whom I have a deep hatred stemming from the Continental Tire Bowl a few years ago, is going to have a big week and the Falcons are going to win a close one. Also, Najeh Davenport is going to have a big week and the Packers are getting in the W column this week, which might actually give them a share of the lead in the NFC North.
Into the bar hobbles a Raider fan on crutches. The lesson to be learned here? If you support the Raiders, God will break your leg.
Early in the game, Matt Schaub throws downfield twice, and both times, the ball bounces off of his receivers' hands. Would it be a stretch to say that there are college teams with better WRs than the Falcons? Ohio State, maybe?
The Packers get on the board first as Najeh Davenport squeezes and grunts the ball into the endzone. He's a tremendous scat-back. To celebrate his touchdown, he will break into Robert Ferguson's locker and unburden his bowels.
I have no problem admitting to you that I'm biased on the subject of Ray Lewis... I can't stand him. He is tremendously overrated. Maybe my perception is clouded, but I don't see him making a lot of plays. He comes in to the backfield on a blitz, untouched, and Shawn Bryson absolutely stands him up. Ray's running full speed, unloads on Bryson with his best shot, and Bryson takes it, stays on his feet, and keeps Ray-Ray away from the QB. If he's some kind of a tough guy, I don't see it.
The Patriots are up 14-0 (no offense, Tom Brady), and my Falcons prediction isn't looking too good. I gotta get out of the prediction business... I feel like Peter King, only I'm not hopped up on grande hazelnut lattes and fondling an anatomically correct Bill Belichick doll.
A very strange replay call gets the Lions down to the one-yard line. The Ravens got the shaft on that one, because there's no way that wasn't a forward pass by Joey Harrington. Bizarre call... I don't know how it could be screwed up that bad. I have no choice but to believe that Mike Carey goes under the replay hood and fires up a bowl. I guess the Lions were owed one from last week, but that's the worst replay call I've ever seen. Just blatantly, obviously, clearly wrong. If it wasn't Baltimore, I might be upset.
Speaking of the Ravens, I think it's really cute how Brian Billick gets upset when Anthony Wright throws an interception. It's as if he's holding out some hope that Anthony Wright is one day going to make a good play... it's cute that he still believes. It's like a child who falls asleep staring at the chimney, waiting for Santa Claus to come down.
Wright, by the way, is 1-of-4 for 5 yards and 2 INTs. In related news, Santa has also yet to come down the chimney.
Najeh Davenport's ankle snaps like a Slim Jim. Just an ugly, ugly thing. His body was standing up, while his ankle was laying down. The guy finally gets his shot, and then something like that happens, and he gets shit on... unfortunate.
Things just could not be going worse for New Orleans right now. You know what this game looks like? It's like a Tecmo Bowl game, and Jim Haslett keeps picking the wrong play. Try Down and B, Jim.
The Packers get down to the 1 on a pass interference call. Now, Najeh, I know that your foot just separated itself from the ankle, but for the purposes of my fantasy team, you're going to have to just hough this one out. Get a shot, get some tape, and get your hamper-affectionate ass into that endzone. If need be, you can get in from the one-yard-line in a wheelchair. In fact, if they didn't let you play in a wheelchair, the Packers and the NFL would be in clear violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. Make it happen, Mike Sherman.
There's a bowling alley right next door to the sports bar. I head over to the window at halftime of a couple of the games, just to stretch my legs. There appears to be some kind of a Special Olympics event going on down at the lanes. There's a couple dozen people with disabilities down there, getting their bowl on, having a good time. I think if you gave me a couple of hours with them, I think I could coach them up to the point where we could beat either the Ravens or Lions. At the very least, we could give them a good game.
Winning the online fan poll for the NFL's best defense... the Indianapolis Colts. Please. Can someone please let me know when the Colts do something impressive defensively? I know they've allowed like 29 points, but... who have they stopped that you could consider impressive? Jacksonville, maybe. Other than that, me and my Special Olympians could be pitching a shutout. I'm not saying they aren't good, I think they're above average... but at the end of the year, if people are still considering them the best, I'll be shocked. Better than last year? Sure. Best in the NFL? Slow down.
I'm not sure who's doing the color commentary in the Lions game, but at halftime, he suggests that the Lions "let Joey Harrington take over the game." Yes, the same Joey Harrington that's carrying a 6.4 passer rating into the 2nd half.
The waitress who loves me brings me my food, despite the fact that she isn't my waitress. I think it's become abundantly clear that this woman wants to be my next imaginary sports bar girlfriend. If she didn't want me to pretend that she likes me in some way, why would she be bringing me chicken wings? That's what that means, right? I'm going to have to think about whether or not I'm ready for an imaginary commitment to someone out of my league.
Kevin Jones takes a handoff and runs through a Ray Lewis tackle that offered all the resistance of the tape at the end of a marathon. Ray hit him square, lowered his shoulder, and Kevin Jones just shed him. Not so easy without a knife, is it, Ray?
On the next play, the Ravens bite like hell on play action, and Joey Harrington overthrows a wide open receiver by roughly ten yards. That looked like a dude who just threw a spiral for the first time, and had no idea he was capable of throwing the ball with that velocity. I think Joey Harrington may have just accidentally thrown a spiral.
Terrell Suggs records a personal foul for a late hit on the quarterback. It wasn't a savage hit or anything, but it was pretty clearly late. Suggs gets in referee Mike Carey's face, and bumps him Pete Rose style. That's not something you can do. Terrell Suggs gets tossed, and rightfully so. He spends the next five minutes on the sideline looking like he's going to cry.
The commentators are calling the Ravens/Lions game a "dogfight," and a "physical game." And it is, I guess, but don't get it twisted... this is not a good football game. This is exceedingly ugly. I mean, you can put Chris Berman and Verne Lundquist in loincloths, lock them in a steel cage and have them fight to the death, and sure, it might be physical... but that doesn't mean it will be good in any way, or any fun to watch. The Ravens penalty barrage is hilarious, but the game itself? Not a masterpiece.
The Ravens hold the Lions on a 3rd and goal... until an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty nullifies the stop. TeeHee.
The Packers lead 42-3 and Brett Favre is still in the game.
The Lions, given like 7 tries from inside the three-yard line, finally score (with a great little touch by Kevin Jones imitating Ray-Ray's spastic touchdown dance). The Ravens, then, manage to pick up two different unsportsmanlike penalties on the ensuing extra point try, and get another guy tossed. That's pretty impressive. I mean, they could just try to block it, and walk to the sidelines... that's one route they could've chosen. Or they can try to fight a guy and then grab a referee. That's the other option.
I've never seen a team have a stretch like this, with so many bad penalties, and sissy, undisciplined plays. This is remarkable. They have 16 penalties, 3 turnovers, and 2 ejections. It's the 3rd quarter.
Matt Schaub continues to have a pretty nice game. For some reason, I'm paying way more attention to the Ravens game than I am the quality Falcons/Pats contest... perhaps because of some deep-seeded self-loathing that I have. Anyway, it's possible that the Falcons have the best back-up QB in the league, while having about the 18th-best starting QB in the league.
The Lions intercept an Anthony Wright pass, if you can believe that, and then take it for a long return. And the Ravens have the courtesy to add a 15-yard penalty to the end of it. They're being very gracious and accommodating to the Lions today. If you hate the Ravens, this might be the best day of your life.
The all-time record for penalties in a game is 22, and is shockingly not held by the Raiders. The Ravens currently stand at 21 on the day.
And then Shawn Bryson rips off a 77-yard touchdown run on his first carry of the day, or for all I know, the year. A pissed-off Raven fan stands up and starts to rip off his Ed Reed jersey, and then changes his mind and just yells profanity at the TV for a while, because, you know, that's less embarrassing.
The Falcons tie it up with a long pass from Matt Schaub, and then a 2-point conversion. 3:52 remains on the clock, however, and there's no way that the Patriots are letting this one get to overtime. Valiant effort, though, Falcons.
Score update: The Jets have defeated the Tampa Bay Bucs. Now, I'm not one of the people who think the Bucs have gotten to 4-0 on smoke and mirrors... I think they're a good team. But losing to Vinny Testaverde, when at this time last week, he was sitting on his couch watching a Girls Gone Wild infomercial, is not a good sign for your long-term viability as a Super Bowl contender.
The Patriots do, in fact, drive down the field and get a field goal to win it. Very impressive win... another great accomplishment for this team. Don't let Tom Brady read this, though, because he might get really mad at me.
Belichick, meanwhile, celebrates more than he did after winning any of his three Super Bowls. He throws his headset up in the air and leaps for joy like a Girl Scout who just won the cookie-selling title. That looks to me like evidence that Bill Belichick had some questions about this team, considering all the injuries. This looked like a huge relief for him.
The TV guy takes the Cards/Panthers game off, to put golf on. It's not that I don't like golf, but you know... it's a Sunday in October. These Sundays are for football... there's a reason that the Masters is in April and not now. Who goes to a sports bar to watch golf? I mean, I watch the majors, I enjoy them... but never have I felt like ordering a pitcher of cheap beer and yelling something like, "FUCK HIM UP, STUART APPLEBY," in a sports bar. It just doesn't feel right.
Dallas has gone up 17-0 on the Eagles, and I know the Chiefs did the same thing to them last week, only to choke it away... but this one feels way different. The Chiefs game seemed like they built a lead on momentum and big plays and some Eagles mistakes... the Cowboys have just been laying the lumber.
Alright, John Daly and Tiger Woods are tied at -10 going into 18. I'm still philosophically opposed to golf being on the TV, but I suppose this is worth watching. Daly just bogeyed 17 to fall back into the tie... and I hate the sense of doom that accompanies any John Daly mistake. It's not his golf game I worry about... it's that he might be standing over a putt, get the shakes, and pull a bottle out of his golf bag. That always feels like a possibility.
For the Cowboys, a douchebag named Polite adds touchdown. After he scores, he thanks his opposition for the quality of their defense, and the officials for doing a fine job. He graciously thanks Bill Parcells for calling the play, and then writes a modest check to Jerry Jones to cover any damage that he might have done to the Texas Stadium turf with his aggressive running style.
Dallas carries a 27-3 lead into the half... if the Eagles come back to win this one, they are truly men. But they're not going to.
The 49ers, playing pretty well at all positions other than QB, are not embarrassing themselves against the Colts. Well, Alex Smith is, but that's to be expected. They try a surprise onside kick and turn it into a field goal. I like it, Coach Nolan, do what you can to inspire your team. Take some risks. Excellent work.
You can't, however, surprise a team with it two times in a row. It's cool to be ballsy and all, but that just seems silly and desperate. I mean, I know you're looking for anything at all you can find, but it's still the NFL and not a Globetrotters/Generals game. But on the other hand, y'know, why not just say fuck it and throw all dignity out the window... No matter what happens, they're all going to wake up tomorrow and be the 49ers. They might as well have some fun with it.
And on the 2nd playoff hole, John Daly 3-putts from 20 feet to hand Tiger Woods the victory. Oh boy. That one hurt. I can't decide if I want him to have a drink, or if I want all the bottles in the San Francisco to be hidden from him. I don't know what's better for John Daly right now.
Keyshawn Johnson and Drew Bledsoe are arguing on the sidelines after Keyshawn coughs up the ball and gift wraps a touchdown for the Eagles. I don't know who started the argument, but the ball went right through Keyshawn, and he probably shouldn't be saying anything other than "Hey, um... sorry."
And where golf once was, there is now a baseball game in the 18th inning or something. It's like this TV has been dedicated to the pursuit of non-action. I'm sure that some people call this exciting. It will be called a classic, because the game went so long. I see it more as prolonging the agony. I mean, who can watch 6 hours of one baseball game? To me, the longer a baseball game goes, the farther away it comes from a classic.
A 47-year-old Japanese man who has made friends with nearly every person in the bar today turns to our table and tells us the story of the first time he was handcuffed. He was drinking a quart of Stroh's at the time. I'm not sure it's all that great of a story, but I am laughing my ass off.
And that's going to do it... I'm wrapping it up a little bit early today... a couple of AJ's friends have joined us at the table, and they're wearing Redskins jerseys, which is something that's a little embarrassing for me. Time to bounce.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:51 PM 6 comments
Monday, October 03, 2005
| Week 04 - 2005/2006 |
To start the day, a waitress who isn't even waiting on me comes over and gives my shoulder a little squeeze and says it's nice to see me. She adds that she notices that I'm always sitting in the same place every week. I don't think she's ever even waited on me before. Given these actions, I think we can safely conclude that it's not a tip she's after. At least, not a monetary one.
This could lead to a rekindling of an imaginary relationship for me here at the sports bar. For those of you who are new to the Smorgasbord, in Years 1 and 2, there was a lovely young waitress here who I used to pretend was my girlfriend. It was very touching and sweet and romantic, and you can go back through the archives for more information, if you'd like.
I like how Chris Mortenson has ESPN.com on the computer screen behind him on NFL Countdown, as if that's what he's using to get his information. I don't have the know-how myself, but Danks suggests that it would be nice to see someone hack into it and change it to something like goldenshowers.com.
Y'know, I've never been one of the people who believes you can't wear a jersey after a certain age. Jay-Z and Charles Barkley say if you're over 30, you're too old to be wearing jerseys. I don't agree. Hopefully, when I'm 80, I'll be rocking a Tomlinson throwback. But I do believe, however, that you can be too lame to wear jerseys. For instance, if you're tucking the jersey into your khakis... you probably should've just stuck with one of the 85 polo shirts in your closet, Leroy.
I can't remember if I told you this last week, but I am supremely confident that the Bolts are going to be waxing the Patriots this week, and that I'll be sleeping with Danks' girlfriend later. In fact, Danks and I have wagered on it... winner of the Pats/Bolts game nails Danks' girlfriend. Only, I'm the only one who knows about the bet.
On Countdown, they've asked the question, "If you're building an NFL franchise, and you could pick one player to build it around, who do you go with?" Someone says Brady, someone says Tomlinson (to me, the only two possible answers), and then Steve Young says Michael Vick. I like Steve Young, but... Michael Vick? You're going to build your franchise around a quarterback who can't throw? I'd take Marcus over him. Seriously.
This Under Armor commercial... you know, the one that's new for this year, now that they can afford actors and special affects, and whole other team, instead of just the Maryland Terrapins... two things about it bug me. 1) Why are both teams wearing their dark uniforms? Is this in the Any Given Sunday league? 2) The quote from the reporter, "You beat the big guys every year. You know they can't touch you, they know they can't touch you." So, I'm just wondering... what exactly makes them the big guys?
There are lots of Bengals fans here this week, something that kind of bothers me. I have no quarrel with the Bengals, but... I've never seen more than one Bengal fan in my life. There just have never been large numbers of them. Either these guys became Bengals fans like last week, or they were ashamed to show up and cheer for their team when they sucked. I don't like either.
What I do like, however, is the dude in the Chad Johnson jersey with matching Bengals ZUBAZ PANTS. Zubaz pants command respect.
One more Bengals fan note... one dude is wearing an old school Jeff Blake Bengals jersey. Anyone remember the Jeff Blake era in Cincy? It seemed like he was a young stud QB and the Bengals had a bright future. Man, that was a great 14 days.
I'm probably not going to see a lot of it, but I'll bet that Paul McGuire says something about Taco Bell tonight during the Cardinals/49ers game in Mexico.
Early in the Chargers/Patriots game, it looks as if Marty Schottenheimer called Bill Belichick this morning and said, "Hey, Bill, wanna play a WAC game this week?" I think I just saw Tom Brady being subbed out for Timmy Chang. There aren't this many balls flying around at a gay pride parade.
Michael Pittman scores for the Bucs, and then flexes his biceps at the camera... dear God. "Ripped" doesn't even describe it. His biceps are like Tony Mandarich's thighs. If his arm is bent, I don't know how he even has room for the football in there. And while we're on the subject of Michael Pittman... why the hell is he playing?
There's some fucking douchebag in a Shockey jersey (as if any other kind of person could ever be in a Shockey jersey) who stands up for like every other play of the Giants game. He's a big typical Jersey fuck who seems to enjoy blocking my view of the Chargers game, Drakkar cologne, and date rape. When he stands up, I yell, "SHAAAWKEEEEEY... SHAAAWKEEEY... I CAN'T READ." My man Chris does this thing where he yells a loud, abbreviated "DERR," that I can't accurately describe, but it's killing me.
Vinatieri misses a field goal on the opening drive for the Pats. The Chargers respond by driving down the field until Nate Kaeding hits a field goal. The conclusion to be drawn here... Nate Kaeding is better than Adam Vinatieri.
On the ensuing kickoff, the Patriots guy fumbles, and I thought for sure that the Chargers pounced on it. The refs start sorting through the pile, and then indicate that the Patriots have retained possession. I scream, "THAT'S A FUCKIN' LIE." I then apologize to everyone around me.
I've just seen something I can't unsee. I can't even tell you what it is... you don't want to know. I could paint the picture for you. I could do it, but I'm not going to, because I care about you. But it would be unfair to you, to the subject of the picture, and probably the women of America, if not in fact the world.
Uh-oh... Crazy Fish Guy's here, there's no place to sit, and there are open spots at our table. I think we're going to be getting a visit.
Indeed we do. He leans over the shoulders of myself and Danks, and starts babbling something that I can't remember. He did manage to spit on me, however. Short sleeves were a bad choice. I don't know if I should never wash it again, or if I should get an immediate tetanus shot.
Crazy Fish Guy's wearing an old (really old) t-shirt with "Lansdowne Tavern" on the front, and a cracked, faded #2 on the back. Chris and I briefly discuss what sport he would've played, before we decide that it could only be softball, although I'm still holding out some hope for something like Polo. Like, perhaps he was the world's best polo player before he tore up his shoulder, went into a deep depression, began drinking and gambling, grew a healthy beer gut, married a Canadian whore and has never recovered. Chances are, however, he was just the guy on the softball team who got one inning a game and was responsible for bringing the case of Pabst Blue Ribbon to the game.
And the Chargers have opened up a 14-point lead on the defending world champions. Man, this is nice. I'm starting to plan positions for my tryst with Meghann. I might go to Barnes and Noble after the game and pick up a Kama Sutra book.
My new favorite non-Charger... Rams fullback Madison Hedgecock.
Drew Brees is on the bench, enjoying a nice cup of Gatorade, when Phill Simms, for some reason, uses the telestrater to circle his ass. Perhaps he's been emboldened by the Manning/Chesney relationship and has finally decided to reveal his long-suppressed crush on Drew Brees.
Crazy Fish Guy puts in a call to the bookie. Short call this week, only three games, and he's playing them all straight. I feel like I'm watching Picasso paint.
The Chargers continue to drive on the Patriots, picking up key third downs, both through the air and on the ground. It's just very gratifying.
Down 17, Tom Brady drops back and... intercepted by Bhawoh Jue. MAZEL TOV, BABY.
Chargers cornerback Drayton Florence goes barrelling out of bounds and runs right through a Patriots cheerleader. Unfortunate, but hilarious. It elicits some boos from the crowd, and I yell, "HIT ANOTHER ONE." I think the girl is going to be okay, despite the fact that he hit her pretty hard. Of course, that's nothing compared to what Meghann's getting later.
41-17, in Foxboro. Holy thunder. I'm not putting a ton of stock into it, in terms of our place in the NFL right now. Not only are the Patriots without some key players, but they also just came off a hardfought game that both teams played with playoff intensity. But still, it feels damn good.
The Bengals finally wrap up a victory against the surprising Texans, and some goateed Bengals fan behind me raises his beer and says, "Fifty fuckin' years." Good for you, buddy.
Joey Harrington does something very un-Joey Harrington like and throws a game-winning touchdown pass to Marcus Pollard. Except, it's being reviewed and overturned. A large-hootered girl in a Bucs shirt celebrates and says, "There is a God!" after they take the TD off the board. In turn, for the next few minutes, I'll be a Lions fans. Joey Harrington then proceeds to throw two uncatchable balls and the Lions lose. I did not enjoy my time as a Lions fan.
Crazy Fish Guy leaves. He was only here for like twenty minutes this week. My guess is that he had to get out of the house, a safe distance from the wife, to call his bookie.
Whoa. I don't know exactly what Jay Fiedler's injury is, but he's wearing some bizarre contraption that I've never seen before. It covers like 70% of his body. He looks like a villain in a Terminator movie. His arm's held up, this thing is wrapped around his waist. I hope the injury isn't as bad as it looks.
The Chiefs are gashing the Eagles on the ground. There isn't even token resistance at this point.
at 13:17 of the 2nd quarter, Brooks Bollinger has attempted one pass. Yes, it was incomplete.
It's currently 17-0, Kansas City over Philadelphia, and 10-0, Cowboys over the Raiders. I think the AFC might be better than the NFC.
My man A.J. tells us that Cowboys guard Larry Allen bench presses 800 pounds, which I immediately thought was bullshit. In fact, I planned to make fun on him here in this space, because I thought the world record was like 600. As it turns out, according to some website, world records are now running about 900 pounds, so I guess it's possible. I'm sorry for assuming that you're a dipshit, A.J.
I would like to point out, however, that Rod Tidwell is still not a real wide receiver for the Arizona Cardinals.
Hey, the Vikings have righted the ship and gotten back to their usual selves. They're down 21-0 to the Falcons right now. And hey, look, it's a Daunte Culpepper interception. Perhaps last week, and not weeks one and two, was the aberration.
The Eagles are down 24-6 at halftime. Mandy, a friend of Danks' girlfriend and an Eagles fan, decides to just give up and leave. I don't know her well at all, but she's very nice and pleasant to be around... but y'know, she's an Eagles fan, how much value could her life possibly have? Just a disappointing decision on her part.
Terry Bradshaw does a highlight voiceover for Fox, and then gives it back to James Brown. The segment ended with Terry Bradshaw saying this: "I'm done, it's your turn. Take us outta here, Big Papa. (brief pause). Big Papa. (hysterical giggle)."
Terrell Owens is streaking towards the endzone, wide open. Donovan McNabb misses him by 10 yards. Terrell just pulled a cell phone out of the field goal post pad, and is now thumbing through the yellow pages to find McNabb a good hernia surgeon.
My pen is running out of ink. This is a mayday situation. I have no contingency plan. If I have to, I will gash this inkless pen into my wrist, dip it into the blood and write that way, and hope that the 4 o'clock games conclude before I bleed out.
Philadelphia's coming back on the Chiefs, and they appear to be doing it quite easily. The Chiefs defense is back to looking like the Chiefs defense, and since missing Owens on that post route, McNabb has been pretty sharp.
For any dentists who might be reading, or just anyone with a general interest in oral health... I'd just like to note that Falcons QB Matt Schaub has very yellow teeth, and Eagles WR Greg Lewis has huge gums.
The Ravens are going to beat the Bollinger-led Jets, and I'd like to congratulate Anthony Wright on not being the worst quarterback on the field for the first time in his career.
Here's something that bothers me: When a ball is tipped, and the receiver goes on to catch it anyway, why does the commentator always have to compliment his concentration? What's he supposed to do? As soon as the ball is tipped, he's supposed to forget about catching it? "Okay, here comes the throw, it's coming right at me, I'm going to catch it, OH, IT GOT TIPPED! Hey, I really think waffles are delicious."
Y'know, ever since the early encounter with the waitress this morning, she hasn't been back. Not even a cursory glance. Hard-to-get. I like that.
Philadelphia has scored 28 unanswered. Chris, Eagles-hater, has vowed to abuse Mandy next week for leaving while the Eagles were down 24-6. She's given up a prime opportunity to talk some shit about the Eagles comeback. I hope she feels sufficiently bad for leaving.
And that'll wrap it up for the week. Just one more note... You know what I get for trying to write the Smorgasbord at work? I get talkative women in my office, chatting endlessly about wedding plans. That's what I get. I'm going to cry.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 7:33 AM 4 comments
