Sunday, November 27, 2005
| Week 12 - 2005/2006 |
The TV guy has stuck the Chargers/Redskins game in the back room, which means I won't be seeing any of the Bucs/Bears game, but instead will have my eyes on Bengals/Ravens, Rams/Texans, and 49ers/Titans. Those are three very disgusting games. I'm starting to think that those commercials are right, and Sunday is for bowling. It's going to take a Chad Johnson miracle for me to get any enjoyment out of those monstrosities.
On NFL Countdown, they're asking if the current Bears defense is as good as the 85 Bears D. Um... what? Even Peter King would hear that and be like, "bullshit." Hey, I'm impressed by the Bears and all, but... congratulations, you're shutting down the Vikings, Packers, and Lions. Those teams have one good quarterback between them, and he's throwing interceptions like it's his job, and is doing so with a fully gray beard. In fact, the two best QBs in the division might by Kyle Orton and Rex Grossman. 85 Bears? Let's just slow down a little bit. Michael Irvin is the only one in the studio who points out the absurdity of it.
Fox continues with their "NFL's Sexiest Man" voting, which is now being hosted by Jillian Barberie, just so Terry Bradshaw doesn't look so gay. I think it's too late to save face on that one... they should just rename the segment "Who Jillian Barberie wants to fuck the most this week." Now, I don't know Jillian Barberie, but from her wardrobe and her on-air personality, I'm voting her Most Likely to be a Cokewhore.
I've decided that CBS's pregame show is the weekend equivalent of The View. No individual among either of the groups displays any reason at all to like them. They all think they're way smarter and funnier than they actually are, and they don't do anything but waste your time. Shannon Sharpe stars in the role of Starr Jones, while my man Doug insists that Dan Marino is the Elizabeth Hasselbeck of the group.
Feel free to make fun of me for knowing who's on The View. I am a woman.
Back on Countdown, they have a touching and emotional feature on Tedy Bruschi. Says my buddy AJ, "Fuck that, I want to see his wife."
MJD's leadpipe lock of the week: The San Francisco 49ers. I've been impressed with their scrappiness. For a team with no chance to accomplish anything, they play hard. And the Titans kinda suck.
Jamal Lewis has told the coaches he wants 20 carries this week. I admire that. I really admire a guy with the burning desire to crack that 40-yard barrier.
On a 3rd down in Redskins territory, the Chargers attempt a Tomlinson-to-Brees pass. Redskins linebacker Marcus Washington breaks up the pass, and then starts celebrating like he won American Idol. Congratulations, douche, you just covered Drew Brees. Pack your bags for Honolulu, winner.
Hey, how is Jose Cortez a 49er now? Isn't this like his 8th team of the year? There's no limit on that? I think he just likes collecting jerseys. He's like the Chris Chandler of kickers. Only Hispanic.
Kyle Boller is redefining the word "suck." He's not just a bad passer... today, he is struggling with the basic functions of the quarterback position. You know, things like dropping back, handing off, moving his arms... he's struggling with those. Normally, I think people who say, "Hey, I could do that well" are morons, but... today, if they're watching Boller, they might have a point. The Ravens have -6 passing yards.
I am way outnumbered by Redskins fans here. There's about 12 of them, and of course, I am the only Chargers fan.. But still, I think if you add up the cumulative IQ scores, I believe the Charger fans here will beat the Redskins fans.
Jamie Martin has been concussed. You know how when someone takes a shot to the head, and the trainer gives them that little test to see if their eyes can follow a pen or a finger from side to side? Jamie Martin is failing miserably at that one. The finger was way on the right side, while his eyes were still on the left. About a second later, they quickly go to the right. I hate to laugh at someone's injury, but... well, that was kinda funny.
NICE. Here's my Chad Johnson entertainment. He goes to the corner of the endzone, puts the ball down, yanks out the pylon... and them calmly putts the football with it. I rank this one pretty high.
The Texans have taken a 24-3 lead over the Rams. I don't know what's more surprising... that they're up 21 on the Rams, or that the Texans have scored 24 points. The Ryan Fitzpatrick (who the fuck is Ryan Fitzpatrick?) era is not off to a brilliant start.
Oh, Ryan Fitzpatrick is that dude who went to Harvard, which pretty much means that he has nothing in common with anyone else in the NFL. Do you think Harvard had an equivalent of the 7th Floor Crew, where they found some bitch, took her up to room 715, and 6 or 7 guys read Shakespeare to her and then made her watch as they thumbed through an L.L. Bean catalog?
Commercial for the local news: "Why is a local high school showing hardcore pornography in the school auditorium?" I don't know, but... I went to the wrong high school, apparently.
Kyle Boller's performance gets more embarrassing with each second. I can't figure out what it is about him that would make anyone think he is a good quarterback. He's tall, he's built well... and that's about it. That is where Kyle Boller's similarities with other NFL quarterbacks end.
The Redskins have taken a 17-7 lead on the Chargers. Ugh. We are not playing well. We're just not sharp at all... Drew Brees is missing throws that he almost never misses, and balls are bouncing off of Antonio Gates like he's Kenny Chesney's chin. If we lose this game, this is the end of our season. I hate you, Jamie Mottram.
With the Ravens down 31-0, Derrick Mason catches a TD pass and a couple of Ravens fans here explode in mock celebration. One of them looks over at our table and says, "You're JEALOUS."
The Rams, behind Ryan Fitzpatrick, have gotten back into the game. Or, perhaps it would be more accurate to say that the Texans have remembered who they are. Anyway, it's 24-17.
And at the same time, the Ravens have somehow gotten it back to within 2 TDs. That is truly odd. There has been nothing but Bengals domination all day long. With 12:00 to play, the Ravens need just two scores.
All 3 49ers QBs are sitting together on the bench, looking at something with a coach. CBS has the conversation mic'd:
Coach: You see this guys? When the safety creeps up like that, you have to be read that quickly and take advantage over the top.
Cody Pickett: I can't read.
Coach: I don't mean read like a book, I just mean--
Alex Smith: Hey, what's a safety?
Ken Dorsey: I see what you're saying, coach. I just can't throw it that far.
Cody Pickett: YEEEE-HA!
The Bears, I'm told, just polished off the Buccaneers, which means that the Bears now have a very reasonable chance to secure home field advantage in the NFC. That is a bizarre sentence. Congratulations, Bears... that is a big ballsy win on the road.
This female Ravens fan just saw a close-up of Kyle Boller on the sidelines and screamed, "LOOK AT HIM, HE'S A LITTLE BITCH."
Oh, LaDainian, you beautiful man, you. He broke off a long run to tie the game for the Chargers.
Man, this Baltimore girl is hammered. Doug just made some smart-ass comment about the Ravens, and she looks over and slurs, "Why you gotta be so painful?" I replied, "I apologize, he's an asshole." And then she slapped my hand and said, "We're all friends in here."
Drew Brees threw a terrible interception, all but handing the game to the Redskins. What the hell is with him today? This one was terrible.... this drunk bitch wouldn't have attempted to make that throw. We're done.
Drunk Baltimore Girl: "KYYYYYYYYYLE BOLLLEEE-EEEEE-ERRRR... OVERTIIIII-IIIME... OVERTIII-IIME." A delicate little flower, she is not.
John Hall, a 52-yarder to win it in regulation... nope. Thank you, John Hall.
By the way, the 49ers, my leadpipers, have let me down. You probably shouldn't take my leadpipe locks all that seriously.
Oh, and how about we just beat the Redskins in two plays in overtime? One was a screen that Antonio Gates took for about 30 yards, and the next was a Tomlinson run to the house where he put a nasty stiff-arm on someone without breaking stride. Winning at Washington is not an easy thing. This one was huge.
And here comes Giants punter Jeff Feagles to break the NFL's Ironman record. 283 straight games. So, who's more impressive... AC Green and his Ironman streak, Cal Ripken and his, or Jeff Feagles and his? AC Green, I'm ruling out, because he had all that sexual energy pent up that he needed to get out somewhere. Playing basketball was a matter of survival for him. Feagles vs. Ripken... I know he's a punter, but with each of the 283 games he played, there's been a chance that someone would absolutely maul him. In terms of actual energy expended per game, Feagles and Ripken are about even. But I'd say that Feagles assumed a far greater risk of injury with each time he took the field. And I don't think Feagles ever hurt his team by playing at less than 100%, and Ripken probably did. I'm going with Feagles.
You know what? Let's just go ahead and make this Antagonize Jamie Mottram Day at the Smorgasbord.
I'm experiencing some Samkon Gado resentment. He got too popular too fast, and you know what? He went to Liberty College, which is Jerry Fallwell's school. I don't know if they share any common views, but... even the suspicion is enough to irk me. I've disliked people for far sillier reasons.
Kevin Curtis takes a screen pass 54 yards to the house for the win... Be ashamed, Texans. You are not good football players.
Drunk Baltimore Girl just went to the ATM for more money. She is fucking housed. Her hair is all scraggly, her eyes are glazed over and sunken... she's a mess. Basically, she looks like Baltimore. And now, her and her friend are ordering shots.
Joe Jurevicius hauls in a manly touchdown grab for the Seahawks. I think he's about the most underrated receiver in the league. He's oft-injured, and he doesn't put up huge numbers... but he's got sure hands, he runs good routes, he is deceptively athletic and he comes up with big catches.
The Cardinals game doesn't come on until there's 3:00 left in the first quarter, just in time for us to see Byron Leftwich getting carted out of the stadium. This means the Cardinals have a chance... which is very good news for the Chargers. LET'S GO BIRDS.
You know, if I was that kind of guy, I'm pretty sure I could take Drunk Baltimore Girl home and... well, she'd pass out before she could consent to anything, but I'm pretty sure she'd be OK with me molesting her in her sleep. If I was that kind of guy.
Which I'm not. Probably. Well, we'll see.
The Giants have five false starts on one drive. Apparently, the Seattle crowd is getting buck wild. I'm putting the odds at about 50/50 that Peter King makes some kind of joke about the coffee in Seattle having people wired.
Drunk Baltimore Girl keeps it rolling. Watching a commercial for cholesterol drug Vytorin, she bellows, "This commercial's so BORING... why do they even play it? 'Oh, my cholesterol's so high!' STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT IT!" On another TV, they showed a Ravens highlight. "HE'S FUCKIN' GARBAGE! We know the Ravens lost already, GET OVER IT."
Also, Danks' girlfriend Meghann just offered Drunk Baltimore Girl and her friend a ride home. Drunk Baltimore Girl's friend said, "Yeah, we might need a ride," right before offering to buy Meghann a shot. It's like she's determined to be in a car driven by a lush tonight.
Oh, Bubba Franks took an ugly hit. His head/neck area kinda got balled up and twisted. Not good. He's down, and they're putting him on one of those stretcher board thingies with a neck brace. Drunk Baltimore Girl as she sees the replay of Franks getting hit: "YEEEEAH, FUCKIN' DAWKINS." Danks is sure that we could all get blowjobs tonight.
Bubba Franks is being wheeled out. Drunk Baltimore Girl: "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH..." She's just yelling to make noise. This is awesome.
Brett Favre is currently 1-of-10 for 23 yards. On a 2-win team. Quite sad.
Eli Manning throws to Jeremy Shockey in the endzone, and Shockey gets absolutely lit up by Marquand Manuel. Whether or not it's a touchdown is a very close call. This one's up to the interpretation of the refs. If he rules for the Giants, it's a great play by Shockey to hang on to it, if he rules for the Seahawks, it's a great hit by Manuel.
Drunk Baltimore Girl, out of nowhere: "KYLE BOLLER IS A FAG," followed by some unintelligible mumbling.
Jacksonville scores on a kickoff return, and about 4 of the Cardinals appeared to be trying on the return. Neil Rackers actually had the best shot at him, which is fitting, since Neil Rackers is the Cardinals best defensive player.
Hey, good news... Bubba Franks is fine, and he will fly home with the team.
Reno Mahe is doing just about every dumb thing that a punt returner can do. He's fumbled, he's stood there and watched as the punt's coming at him, and then refused to either catch it or get out of the way... I don't know what he's thinking. He's like the Kyle Boller of punt returners today.
Drunk Baltimore Girl stumbled out of the room to go to the bathroom, and she's been gone for like a half hour. She may be passed out on the toilet. I may go stick my head in the bathroom door and run some game on her.
Joe Juervicius makes another studly touchdown grab, and the Seahawks are up one.
JJ Arrington for the Cardinals makes his endzone leap at about the three-yard-line, and is stopped at the two. And his dive was such that even if there was no defense, he'd have landed at about the one-and-a-half. That was the sorriest attempt at a TD dive that I have ever seen.
The bouncer just came back to get Drunk Baltimore Girl's friend. Something happened somewhere. I need to know.
It is the Joe Jurevicius show in Seattle. Following a Shaun Alexander TD run, the Seahawks push their lead to 8. Dick Stockton keeps talking about how the Giants need two scores to force overtime.
The Cardinals have gotten themselves back in the mix. They've got about 1:50 to score a TD and tie it up.
And in Jaguars territory, Kurt Warner scrambled to his right and stood there and waited for the second coming of Christ. He waited patiently, but it didn't happen... He was eventually nailed from behind, fumbling the ball and costing the Birds a chance at the upset.
Hey, I was wrong about Drunk Baltimore Girl. She never made it to the bathroom. In the front room, she fell down and knocked over three barstools. She was then unable to stand up. Her friend took her down to the car and put her in the back of the van, and now she's back up here drinking.
Amani Toomer makes maybe the best catch of the year, and after a 2-point conversion pass to Shockey, we're tied up.
Brett Favre, needing to engineer a touchdown drive to beat the Eagles, throws one of his patented, "Screw it, I don't have time for a whole drive, let's just throw this one up and see what happens" throws, and it is intercepted. But it was called back due to an Eagles roughing the passer call. Smart play, Eagles.
Jay Feely misses a kick to win the game in regulation. As he was kicking it, Jeremy Shockey was looking at a sideline camera, pointing at it and dancing in celebration... and then Feely missed. It's not breaking news or anything, but Shockey's a fucking douchebag.
Brett Favre makes another of his patented, "Screw it, I don't have time for a whole drive, let's just throw this one up and see what happens" throws, and it is, once again, intercepted. This one stands. Eagles win.
Dick Stockton keeps saying that the Giants have won eight in a row, which is nowhere near accurate. I think he's shitfaced.
Jay Feely with a 2nd chance to win it for the Giants... again, he's short. It's probably not a lot of fun to be Jay Feely right now.
The officials are choosing to review about every other play in this overtime period. As it approaches midnight on the east coast, the ref runs to the booth to review the play, runs back to midfield to announce that he's reviewing the play, and then runs over to the booth to actually start reviewing the play. I hate him.
Feely again... misses again. After two opportunities, I felt bad for him. Blowing three, though... fuck him.
Now Josh Brown has a 27-yarder to ruin Jay Feely's life... and it's good.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 9:17 PM 8 comments
Monday, November 21, 2005
| Week 11 - 2005/2006 |
Looks like it's going to be a pretty light crowd today. We might have this place all to ourselves. I stroll in and start rearranging tables, and my girl, without me even asking, brings me a glass of ice water. I thank her, and she puts her hand on my back and says, "You're welcome, love." Love, she says. I feel tingly. For our wedding, remember, candlesticks always make a nice gift. Maybe you could find out where we're registered... maybe a place setting or a silverware pattern. Okay, let's get two.
And she touches me for the 2nd time in 10 minutes. There is nowhere for this day to go but down. God, she is beautiful. And she stands in stark contrast to the filthy waitress in the Raiders jersey who keeps walking by me and smells like sweaty prison cock.
Oh, but color me wrong... this day can get better. CRAZY FISH GUY IN THE HOUSE. I'm chatting with my soon-to-be babymama when Crazy Fish Guy rolls over and interjects himself into the conversation. She politely asks him if she can get him anything to drink, and he tells her no, that he's gotta go "hit the head." Hey, save your filthy sailor talk for your own imaginary waitress girlfriend, pal. I love her. I love her like Tom Hanks loves Meg Ryan in... well, in any of those damn movies.
Crazy Fish Guy just leaned close to me and said, "I don't know where your Patriots fan buddy is, but I kinda hope they lose today," through a disturbing cackling laugh. I'm uncomfortable. He also told me that he doesn't know if Gus Frerotte is starting today. I ask about their back-up situation, and he says something about "that God-darn Rosencrantz."
My boy Pat is joining us today, which is a rare treat. But he's new to the scene, and makes two major breaches of etiquette in his first five minutes at the table. First, he shakes Crazy Fish Guy's hand and says, "Hi, I'm Patrick." I did not want to know Crazy Fish Guy's name. It's Harry, by the way, if you're interested... and Crazy Fish Guy is 100% Harry. You'll just have to trust me on that one. Anyway, Pat's also flirting with my girl. He doesn't know it yet, but I am going to kill him in his sleep.
Anyway... there's actual football on today. My leadpipe lock of the week is Baltimore. They hate Pittsburgh, they're playing at home, and they definitely believe they can win this game with Tommy Maddox under center. The Steelers are also without their starting left tackle, which is not good. Also, Tommy Maddox is starting for Pittsburgh.
Here are the three things I know for sure that Crazy Fish Guy has money on: the Rams giving 9 to the Cardinals, the Dolphins getting 3 at Cleveland, and the over in the Steelers/Ravens game. I have money on Crazy Fish Guy slapping around a prostitute if he loses 2 or more of those. We'll track these throughout the day.
Hey, why do the Panthers still have Steve Smith returning punts? Steve Smith is the franchise. If he gets hurt, the Panthers become very ordinary. If you have to, hire a homeless guy to stand back there, wave for a fair catch and then get the hell out of the way. Do not risk the franchise.
Crazy Fish Guy, after heading to his seat in the back room about 10 minutes ago, makes a special trip back up to tell me that Sage Rosencrantz is in fact starting. Sage Rosenfels is going to be crushed.
Oh, I just remembered. I've got another leadpipe lock of the week. There is no way that Cincinnati is beating Indy today. Cincinnati is pretty good... but they're not quite as elite as they believe they are. This will be their 2nd chance at a coming-out-party game, and it will be the 2nd time that they fail.
The downside of going against Tommy Maddox as your leadpipe lock of the week is that it means you're depending on Kyle Boller to beat him. Kyle throws his first interception of the day. The color guy is talking about Boller's "internal clock" being off. That's true, but his "external arm" is also a bit of a problem. Timing doesn't matter if you're missing your receiver by 7 yards.
Speaking of interceptions, Jake Delhomme's just thrown his 2nd of the day, both of them to Nathan Vasher, who breaks off a little hula dance. Nathan Vasher wants to go to the Pro Bowl.
Tommy Maddox completes a pass for positive yardage. Yes, this is newsworthy. My chant of "M-V-P" isn't catching on, however.
My girlfriend has started calling other people at the table "baby." If this doesn't stop... well, I'm not saying that I'm going to stop loving her. But I will begin to love her less like Tom Hanks loves Meg Ryan, and more like OJ loved Nicole.
Alright, this is a little bit of a problem. A dude just walked through here wearing a Tony Stewart football jersey. Tony Stewart is a racecar driver. He does not play football. You don't see me walking around in a Julius Peppers wrestling singlet, do you? You've got to keep it within your sport. If you want to support Tony Stewart, fine... but be a man and wear a one-piece flame-retardant fire suit.
For some reason, there's a record crowd in Baltimore today. Was it "crack dealers get in free" day in Baltimore? Is Tommy Maddox putting asses in the seats?
TJ Duckett has cultivated an interesting look. His head is shaved, yet he has a scraggly, unkempt beard. He looks like the rare African-Amish American. I think this could catch on.
An update on Sage Rosencrantz: He is 5-of-7 for 14 yards and an interception. Guildenstern is going to be so disappointed.
How Tommy Maddox has yet to throw an interception is baffling. You know, Bill Cowher never lets Ben Roethlisberger throw this much. But Tommy's on pace to throw it about 30 times. And he isn't just missing receivers... He is not getting close to them. It's as if he's dropping back and just throwing it to an area of the field where there is no purple. There may not be a Steeler in the area, but there are no Ravens, either. It's a bold new strategy.
Update on Crazy Fish Guy's bets: the Cardinals are leading the Rams at the half, it doesn't look like Maddox and Boller are going to even approach the over of 37, and things aren't looking good for the Fish, either. A bargain prostitute is definitely getting hurt tonight. Hopefully, Crazy Fish Guy stops at a slap in the face and doesn't start swinging a lamp at her or something.
NICE. Flava Flav is in a Miller Lite commercial. It's solid. Not spectacular, not the best you'll ever see... but good. Understated. I am never unhappy when Flava-FLAV! is involved.
Here's that Tommy Maddox interception that the kids have been clamoring for, and it's going to the house (I refuse to say "pick-six," by the way). It's called back, however, as the Ravens were offsides. I'd feel a lot better about my leadpipe lock of the week if the Ravens weren't such fuck-ups themselves.
You know, this Bucs/Falcons game looks like its pretty good. It's a see-saw battle, the lead is changing hands, it's being played at a high-level... and somehow, I can't take my eyes off of the snuff film that is the Ravens/Steelers game. I don't know why I choose to hurt myself.
By the way, my man Danks is in the back sitting with Crazy Fish Guy. The Patriots are on in the back, Danks was by himself, Crazy Fish Guy was by himself, and sparks flew. Judging from a distance, they look very happy together.
Alright, Bill Cowher has lost his mind. Not only is he letting Tommy throw the ball around like he's Dan Fouts, but he's making some bizarre decisions. The Steelers had a crucial 3rd and inches. They needed it. I know their quarterbacks are hurt, but they're still the Steelers, right? They can still grind out a few inches on the ground, can they not? But on 3rd down, Cowher puts Randle-El under center and runs the option, which has always been very successful in the NFL. On 4th down, he lets Tommy drop back and take a sack. I think he's hired Mike Martz as a consultant. If the Steelers lose, Bill Cowher can feel free to blame himself for that sequence.
Hey, it's a Bam Morris sighting. He's doing an interview with a Pittsburgh TV station sometime this week. It's nice to see you, Bam. I'm sorry that you became a, you know... drug dealer and all. I guess keeping it real went wrong.
With 13:39 to play in the 4th quarter, Tommy Maddox has thrown 25 times. His approval rating in this bar is hovering somewhere in-between Osama and Adolph Hitler. I'm the only one who doesn't want him dead, and I'm only cheering for him because it amuses me. It's so bad that Steelers fans want Antwan Randle-El in the game, a guy who hasn't played quarterback since college. Of course, most Steelers fans have wanted that to happen all week long, because, you know... being an NFL quarterback doesn't require any practice or study or anything like that.
Hey, Kyle Orton... I like you and all, but in the NFL, if you want to have a beard, you have to be able to connect the mustache part to the beard part. That's just the way things are.
Waitress breasts against the back of my shoulder. Waitress breasts against the back of my shoulder. Waitress breasts against the ba--ohhhhhhh, that was fantastic.
And the Steelers tie the game behind a nice drive engineered by Tommy Maddox. That really happened. Overtime is a real possibility now... which means that a tie is also a real possibility.
The Bears hold on to get the W against Carolina. Is it possible that the Bears are really that good? Let's examine. Good defense? Yes. Defense that makes plays and can score on their own? Yes. Solid running game? Yes. QB who doesn't turn the ball over? Well... kinda. Kyle has 10 interceptions on the year, which isn't a huge number, and 5 of them came in one disastrous game. They might be that real.
After a crazy turnover where the ball went off Hines Ward's hands, then his feet, and then into the hands of a diving Terrell Suggs, Matt Stover gets Baltimore the win with an overtime field goal. By the way, Terrell Suggs, you suck. You're like the 18th person to do Ray Lewis's spastic dance either in tribute or mockery of him. You know, if these teams were just a little bit better, this game could've been a tie. But, things as they were, one team was going to screw up just badly enough to let the other team win.
Danks has rejoined us as the Patriots have eeked out a win over the Saints. Danks looks like a guy who just spent three hours with Crazy Fish Guy. I'm concerned for his well-being. Anyway, in their precious time together, Danks got to know a little bit more about Crazy Fish Guy. As it turns out, Crazy Fish Guy is an engineer. But not the kind who designs bridges and buildings and things of that nature... Crazy Fish Guy drives a train. That is perfect. Man, I hope he wears overalls and a big puffy hat to work everyday.
My girlfriend's shift is over, so she counts up her tips and then asks me if I want her to go spend that money on something frilly and crotchless at Victoria's Secret. I say yes, and then we spend the next half hour making love in the back of Danks' van. When I come back, it's already starting to look like none of the afternoon games are going to be close. Seattle is beating San Fran 17-6, Denver leads the Jets 17-0, Indianapolis is up 11 and scoring like John Holmes, and the Chargers have opened up a small 28-3 lead over Buffalo, which puts them on pace to win about 42-39.
Drew Brees, by the way, is 16-of-17 with 177 yards and three TDs.
Before moving on to the afternoon games, let me congratulate the Cardinals for their 38-28 win over the Rams. That's how the Birds roll, and it makes me happy, even if Crazy Fish Guy did take a bath on that one. He probably needed a bath anyway.
In the 2nd quarter, the Colts have 35 points and have scored a TD on every single possession. That is bad news for just about every team in the AFC, the Bengals in particular. Of course, the Colts haven't done a lot to stop the Bengals, either, so... perhaps there is hope.
The Chargers, by the way, are retiring Lance Alworth's #19 today. When you see people wearing a #19 powder-blue throwback, and you ask yourself, "Hey, who the hell is #19?", that's him. Now, he kinda looks like an angry Dick Vermeil.
The Bengals have clawed back to within 1. They're still not stopping anyone, but they're scoring like hell, too. I don't really like games with this much scoring. It's kinda like watching porn. It's just too much, all at once. There's no reason to overload your senses like that.
There's a girl in the bar here who's pretty hot, and she's wearing a #84 Steelers Jerame Tuman jersey. Backup tight ends have traditionally gotten so little respect from the hot chick community. This is nice to see.
Brandon Lloyd is displaying some amazing hands today. He's really making some amazing grabs, which, I suppose you'd have to when your quarterback is Ken Dorsey.
Now we're discussing who would win a fight between my buddy AJ and Nate Kaeding. I have my money on Kaeding, because he is a thugged-out gangsta from the Iowa streets.
I think he'd whoop damn near anyone. Look at him. He's a stone-cold killer. You know that movie, Get Rich or Die Tryin'? It's about Nate Kaeding's life.
Chad Johnson, proposing to a cheerleader... well done, my man. Not only is it a crafty touchdown celebration, but also an endorsement of interracial dating. I'm mildly surprised that it didn't draw a reaction similar to the one in Blazing Saddles when Bart asked, "Where the white women at?" If you score next week, I dare you to re-enact the honeymoon on the sidelines.
By the way, I couldn't have been more wrong about these afternoon games. San Fran isn't going away, and Seattle is struggling with them. Colts/Bengals continues to be close. Perhaps there will be more tension than I anticipated. It won't, however, be coming from the Chargers/Bills game, as the Chargers have a slight edge in total yardage, 424-158. Looks like we're actually putting a game away, too. Even Michael "The Burner" Turner has a TD for the Bolts.
Fox gives us an update letting us know that Tony Stewart won a NASCAR thing, despite not winning the actual race. AJ, who's been bitter all day because the Steelers lost and because Nate Kaeding could whoop his ass, starts screaming something about how he loves the orange car. He doesn't even know who Tony Stewart is.
The Colts, behind a touchdown from... I dunno, someone... have pushed their lead to 45-34. Meanwhile, San Francisco has an opportunity to tie the game with a two-point conversion... but it was not to be. San Francisco deserves a lot of credit, though. They might not be very good, but they do fight. They're not an automatic-win pushover for anybody... which is a huge compliment to them, considering that they start Ken Dorsey.
Reggie Wayne hops on an onside kick attempt, and that's all she wrote for the Bengals. It's hard to know what to make of that game. The Colts won, they are still undefeated, and they scored a ridiculous amount of points. But could it be that their defense is still vulnerable against good teams? It's at least a glimmer of hope for the other contenders in the AFC.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:04 AM 1 comments
Sunday, November 13, 2005
| Week 10 - 2005/2006 |
Anyone else getting a little annoyed with Tom Jackson on ESPN's Countdown? He just gets so perturbed when anyone disagrees with him, and he gets this look on his face like someone just stole his cookies. He seems much happier and much more comfortable on Primetime when he's alone with Berman. When Steve Young and Michael Irvin say something he doesn't like, he gets a look on his face like, "I wish you guys weren't here so Chris and I could be alone because we work well together AND DAMMIT I LOVE HIM SO PLEASE JUST LET US BE TOGETHER."
And I would be extremely proud to start a Chris Berman/Tom Jackson gay rumor that developed some legs and spread a little bit.
Danks has a nice suggestion for the Eagles to solve the Terrell Owens problem. Tell the players union to drop their grievance, welcome him back to the team, and just have someone break his leg in practice. Find some practice-squader, give him about a $5000 payoff, and tell him to go at TO's knees until he needs to be carted off. Everyone wins. And as an added bonus, Hugh Douglas might walk into the training room afterwards, accuse him of faking it, and whoop his ass again.
My buddy Kevin shows up today. It's a rare appearance for him because he's married, has two kids, and various other adult priorities that still seem kinda repulsive to me. He's the kind of guy that when he gets out to a strip club, gets those crazy eyes and becomes completely unpredictable. It's nice to see him out.
Apparently, some road in Louisiana somewhere has been renamed the "Terry Bradshaw Passway." Standards for roadway-renaming must have really fallen. All you have to do is play football hundreds of miles away and then parlay that into a career making a complete dickbag of yourself on Sunday mornings. If Terry Bradshaw can get a Passway, Ryan Leaf should at least be able to get a turning lane or a yield sign named for him somewhere.
Alright. Time for mjd's stone cold lead pipe lock of the week... but sadly, I don't have a real strong feeling about any of the four games I'm seeing. Patriots/Fish, Cardinals/Lions, Ravens/Jags, and Giants/Vikings. I'm tempted to go with the Vikings, but I'm not that confident about it. Screw it, let's go against Joey Harrington again. The Cardinals are my lock.
By the way, I find myself feeling oddly fond of the Cardinals. I've probably mentioned it before, I can't remember. I don't believe in having "second-favorite teams," but it does make me smile when the Birds pick up that rare W. They're just so non-threatening. When they get good, I'll stop feeling that way... but for now, they're like a harmless little puppy dog. They're so cute.
And just because there are no 7 year-old girls in the vicinity today... FUCK FUCK FUCK... COCK.
By the way, not much action in the waitress department today. We have a very good waitress, and she's an attractive woman, but she seems interested only in bringing me food and beverages. Of course, that's the case with every single one of them, but with her, it's even difficult to pretend. I can't explain it. She's probably a lesbian.
Alright, that was wrong. I'm sorry.
Jeff Feagles is about to boot the 1400th punt of his career. That is a staggering number... I mean, that's Ripken-esque. If you punt 8 times a game, which would be a lot, that's almost eleven full seasons. This guy has done some serious punting... and has played on some very bad teams.
Joey Harrington finds Roy Williams in the back of the endzone for a touchdown, and then goes sprinting up the field to find Roy. He just looks shocked that he completed a pass in the endzone. Hell, Roy Williams looked shocked. Harrington ran up there screaming, "DID YOU SEE THAT? I THREW THAT! I THREW A TOUCHDOWN PASS TO YOU, ROY! NO ONE EVEN HELPED ME! HOLY SHIT!"
Oh, and Mike Tice goes down hard. That was not pretty. Don't get me wrong, it's hilarious that someone just plowed into Mike Tice's big goofy ass, but for a second there, I thought he was joining Daunte Culpepper in the gooned-up knee club.
There's no waitress action, but it appears to be Whore Day here in the bar. It just seems like every girl in here is dressed for a Girls Gone Wild audition. I think the fact that the Giants are winning has brought more Jersey douchebags to the bar, and in turn, they've attracted the Jersey skanks. If the Giants don't start losing some games, someone in this bar is going to get VD.
In the span of about two minutes on the different TVs I can see, Heath Evans, Cory Schlesinger, Jim Finn, and Wes Welker all make plays. To quote a pimp named Drexel... "They must've thought today was White Boy Day."
A Chris Chambers TD catch gives the Dolphins a 7-0 lead, and this has effectively ruined Danks' life. Like all Boston sports fans, it doesn't take much to get him to off the deep-end with the "woe is me" stuff. All the sudden, Bill Belichick sucks, Tom Brady sucks, the entire Boston sports scene is in the shitter. Also, he just broke his cell phone.
Right before the half, Adam Vinatieri is about to kick a field goal... and the Dolphins call a timeout. What are you going to do, ice Adam Vinatieri on a 30-yard field goal attempt before the half in a November game against Miami? Yeah, good call.
And... he did in fact miss it. I am dumb, and Nick Saban is smart.
Seeing some halftime highlights of the Chicago/San Francisco game... the wind there is nasty. If there was ever a game where the forward pass should be outlawed, it's this one. You could play this one 7-on-7 on the fastest track in the Arena league, and you'd be lucky to get 200 passing yards between the two teams. With those two teams in that wind... well, I hope the fans brought books to entertain themselves.
My lead pipe lock of the week isn't looking so hot. Arizona trails 19-3 at the half, while Joey Harrington has 16-of-23 for 160 yards and a TD. For that, I have no explanation.
And for some reason right now, we're discussing what we would choose if we had to pick between having sex with a goat, or having sex with a guy. I think it's a great question to ask, because we're all faced with this decision so many times in our lives. For the record, I'm going with the guy. You do a guy, and you can at least tell yourself that you're adventurous and open-minded, and hey... not to flatter myself, but I might be able to make some money in the process. And maybe I'd get lucky and end up with LaDainian Tomlinson or something. You do a goat, and you can't be anything but a complete pervert... and goats don't pay for sex.
You know, there was no good reason for that last paragraph. I'm considering deleting it.
I think Assante Samuel just recorded the hit of the year. Ricky Williams was positively dropped in his tracks, and I don't think I've seen a harder hit this year. And Ricky gets some love for popping right up from it.
In Week 10, the Cardinals just recorded their first rushing touchdown of the year. That's just beyond sad. How does that happen? Shouldn't that be the kind of thing that gets someone fired? Running the football is so fundamental and crucial. It's one of the building blocks of basic football strategy... I mean, I don't expect everyone to be the Steelers, but no rushing touchdowns in 9 weeks? Unacceptable.
I'm not sure what Tom Brady's numbers are, but every time I look at that game, he's throwing an errant pass. He's just off. I smell a quarterback controversy.
The Vikings somehow have the lead on the Giants, despite not having scored an offensive touchdown. There's a Vikings fans here that's screaming and bouncing around the room like he just had a cheeseburger with a side of crack.
Alright, Joey Harrington just threw his third TD pass of the day. What the hell is going on here? If you tell me that Joey Harrington has 3 TD passes, I'm going to assume that it took four weeks to get them, and he racked up 11 interceptions in the process. Cardinals... come on, have some pride. No rushing TDs in 9 weeks, and now you've given up 3 TDs and not picked off Joey Harrington once? That's the equivalent of an NBA team, three months into the season, never having attempted a free throw and now, they're giving up a 50-point night to Jake Voskuhl. The lesson to be learned here is that you can't, under any circumstances, make the Cardinals your stone cold lead pipe lock of the week.
Hey, by the way, what do you have to do to get a "horse collar" penalty called? I've seen it done about a dozen times this year, but it's never called. What exactly is the rule there? Do you actually have to place a saddle on a guy?
You know, I keep expecting the Patriots to man up and put the hammer down on the Dolphins, but it isn't happening. They might win... but the Dolphins are getting some things done against them. Gus Frerotte is going wild, and Tom Brady isn't his self. It's just kind of odd. The Patriots can't do what the Patriots do anymore. It's like seeing Ali with Parkinson's.
The Giants get a late TD and a two-point conversion to tie things up, and some idiot Giants fan in the back of the room stands up and yells to the loud Vikings fan, "WHO'S TALKING NOW, YOU FUCKIN' FAGGOT." What a big, wet vagina... the Vikings fan wasn't talking any smack on the Giants, he wasn't disrespecting any players or any Giants fans, he was just loud in supporting his team... and this Jersey douche can't handle it. Weak. I just hopped on the Vikings bandwagon.
The Green Bay/Atlanta game has gotten underway, and we don't have audio on it. The camera shows Samkon Gado, and then shows some random white guy in the crowd. My buddy Chris says in jest, "That's his dad." Samkon Gado has to be one of the darkest men on the planet that doesn't currently live in Africa. If that guy was his dad, I can't imagine how black the woman would've been that he nailed. As my man AJ says, "Grace Jones would see that bitch and be like, 'Damn, she's black.' "
CBS has an annoying new habit of showing quotes from their pre-game shows in little blocks during the games later that day. I can't think of more blatant example of shameless self-promotion. If the quotes were poignant, or amusing, or newsworthy, it might be one thing, but it's things like, "Marino: The Colts are good enough to go undefeated." or, "Esiason: I wake up screaming with nightmares about having to sit next to a rapper on an airplane," or "Sharpe: I wish it wasn't so hard to form complete sentences."
Oh, terrific. The 7 year-old-girl is back. She's not within earshot, which means I don't have to go to bed tonight hating myself, but... why is she back here? She's not enjoying herself. You don't take little girls to smoke-filled bars full of drunken, horny, unshaven, profanity-machines.
Looking at some early-game stats... Paul Tagliabue apparently named today Shitty QB Day. Kyle Boller missed the memo, but Gus Frerotte, Joey Harrington, and JP Losman all made worthwhile contributions today. And in case you're wondering about Cody Pickett and his 1-of-13 performance, he doesn't count, because he has to work his way up to being a Shitty QB. If it's ever World League Caliber QB Who Also Used to do Rodeo Day, Cody will fare much better.
The Vikings eek out a W in regulation... and the idiot Giants fan in the back is sitting there silently. Sadly, some skankishly-hot Jersey hooker is comforting this prick, and on his way home, he's probably going to get a blowjob in an old Camaro while listening to Bon Jovi.
Michael Vick is 9-of-10 on the day thus far. Apparently, sissy bitch sessions are good for a young man's confidence.
Oh boy, this is nice. This is a special treat. A waitress is cleaning the table in front of us, and she has tiny little shorts, and they are pulled up one side... and that's a pretty good portion of ass being displayed. Under different circumstances, right now, I'd be taking a single and folding it in half the long way. And don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.
Just to get it on the record... I'm not proud of myself.
Mark Brunell just made one of the best throws I've ever seen... and I'm not exaggerating. He was running at nearly a full sprint, stopped, threw across his body, which was moving in the wrong direction, a perfect strike, 40 yards down the field. I'm not sure everyone appreciates just how great Mark Brunell is playing right now. He's one of the Top 5 QBs in the league right now.
Also, Brooks Bollinger did not get the Shitty QB Day memo. I think he just went a stretch of six passes with four of them being interceptions, with one of them going to the house. I don't even think the Jets are playing that poorly. I mean, they aren't good enough to beat the Panthers, of course, but with decent QB play, this would certainly not be a blowout.
Hey, it's Samkon Gado's birthday. I don't know how he did it, but he's become one of my favorite NFL players in a very short period of time.
God has just punished me for my impure thoughts about waitresses. This woman I just saw in the stands at the Raiders game... I think she was the most frightening women in the history of the planet. I'd rather watch John Madden and Bea Arthur go at it doggystyle than see this woman ever again. She looks like the mother of Sarunas Jasikevicius after having about 9 more children... that same day. And she was wearing some kind of black tank top, chains, and a mullet that was sparkling white. Not like old-person hair white, but like Iceland snowstorm white. I can't unsee her. This hurts. I am feeling physical pain.
Looks like the Redskins are about to get a nice road win at Tampa Bay... and it's a win they needed, because the rest of their schedule is brutally difficult, and it's going to be hard for them to make the playoffs.
The only other game left that looks to be still in question is Green Bay and Atlanta... and wait, Samkon Gado just put that one away. When it gets down to Weeks 16 and 17, and the Falcons are trying to not be a wildcard team, how bad is it going to hurt that they lost at home to Green Bay when Michael Vick had a pretty big day?
And I'm an idiot for drawing the curtains on that Redskins/Bucs game, apparently. I'm just not paying close enough attention. The Bucs scored to tie it up.
OH, but the Redskins blocked the extra point. That's a pretty nice way to win a game...
...except they cheated. Offsides Redskins, and they'll kick again.
Oh no they won't. Chris Simms is back under center and they're going for it... and ALSTOTT DIDN'T GET IT.
Or... Yes he did. The Bucs lead by one now, and that was a pretty ballsy call. Dick Vermeil may have revolutionized the way coaches call games in situations like that, and I'm not even kidding. Other teams are going to think about it now more than they would have in the past.
But Brunell still has 58 seconds. Just pretend like they're the Cowboys, Mark.
Ah, he can't get it done. But that was a hell of an ending... I'm surprised that Joe Gibbs is alive to be honest, with you. How someone goes from the sheer boredom of professional left-turning to an exciting NFL ending like that and doesn't suffer some sort of major medical catastrophe... that's a mystery.
And on the way out of the bar, we see a couple of parents who have brought in a damn THREE year old. What the hell's going on here? It's still not cool to take kids to bars, right? Did I miss some kind of a meeting about that? The kid can barely walk... if he's older than four, I'll wax Norv Turner's Ford Taurus. You just don't do that. I mean, if you're R. Kelly and she's 12, that's one thing... because she's at least going to get a golden shower home video to take home as a souvenir. But this is different. Something's got to be done about this. The next kid I see here, I'm kidnapping.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:44 PM 3 comments
Sunday, November 06, 2005
| Week 09 - 2005/2006 |
A full hour before any games have begun, some Browns fan is banging on the table and screaming things like, "GO BROWNS" and "BRAYLON EDWARDS VERSUS PAC MAN JONES, BABY." Usually, emotion like that is reserved for fans of teams that have a chance to accomplish something. And what he's expecting to get out of the Braylon vs. Pac Man showdown, I have no idea. It's not quite like Jerry Rice vs. Rod Woodson in their primes.
Danks won't be joining us today. Why, you ask? Because Danks is a skirtbag and has had his testicles surgically removed by his girlfriend, that's why. He got roped into watching the Steelers game with his girlfriend's family. I hope he's miserable the entire time. I'm getting him a plaid miniskirt and fuck-me-boots for Christmas.
Bad news. I am sitting roughly four feet away from a girl who I'm guessing is about 7. I just don't know what to do here. Well, I know what to do... I just can't curse. But I don't like it. I'm in a bar. This is a place where adults go. I mean, I don't go to a preschool and ask them to stop drinking Juicy Juice and watching Spongebob, so don't come to my bar and ask me not to curse. But as bad as it might suck, the fact remains that she is within earshot, and I've got to shift into Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl.
MJD's stone cold leadpipe lock of the week: Vikings over Lions. I know that picking against Joey Harrington on the road leaves me on a pretty sturdy limb, but I've got a feeling that the Vikings are going to play well this week behind Brad Johnson.
We see a commercial for Tom Brady's appearance on 60 Minutes tonight, where he's talking about how he won three Super Bowls and still felt unfulfilled, like there was something more for him in life. Well, I hope there is. I mean, it's football. No matter how good you are at football, nothing you do on the field does anything to help anyone with the real struggles of life. I would hope that no one ever won a Super Bowl and thought, "Okay. That's it. I've accomplished enough in my life as a human being. Time to pack it in and spend the rest of my days getting liquored up and womanizing, because I've done my part for humanity."
The new Big Man Dance Contest commercial is nice. Three big-ass Chicago Bears in their "Vote for Pedro" t-shirts... who doesn't enjoy these? Sure, I saw the Chiefs/Patriots commercial about 82,000 more times than I needed to, and it was a little too lame and a little too white. But the concept is tremendous. What I'm saying is that the NFL Network needs to make this a reality. Anyone over 270 pounds is eligible, and I'm putting my money on Marcellus Wiley.
The same douche Browns fan that was pounding the table earlier comes over and offers to buy two cigarettes from my man AJ for a quarter. That's a complete douche move, right? I'm not a smoker, and I don't understand smoker etiquette, but if you want a smoke, just ask for one. Don't insult a guy with a quarter. At least make it a full buck. You're the idiot who forgot cigarettes, you can overpay for some smokes.
Other than the Chargers and Jets at 1 o'clock, check out the roster of other games I can see: Detroit/Minnesota, Jacksonville/Houston, and Cleveland/Tennessee. You couldn't handpick three uglier games.
Early on, the Chargers offense is a well-oiled machine. There are times when the Bolts look positively unstoppable. Usually, those times are called "the first half." LaDainian Tomlinson nearly just dropped Ty Law to his ass without laying a finger on him. It wasn't even fair what he did to poor Ty. TD Bolts.
On the ensuing kickoff, the Jets bring it back near the 50, and we have Failure #1 of Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl.
CBS gives us a shot of Luis Castillo's mother in the crowd, just as she's getting a tall cold one from the beer vendor. Outstanding, ma'am. It would be a bit of a stretch to call her a physically attractive woman, but I do admire her tremendous reproductive system for spitting out what looks to be an excellent defensive tackle. I just yelled, "TREMENDOUS UTERUS, MISS CASTILLO."
And another Titans DB manages to embarrass himself this week. I'm not sure who it was, but it wasn't Pac Man. Dennis Northcutt, who is apparently still alive, caught a pass, and the Titans dude tried to tackle the football, failed miserably, and then watched Northcutt cabbage patch to paydirt. I think, as a joke, someone sent Jeff Fisher a forged league memo that said it was illegal for defensive backs to record tackles, and I think he fell for it.
CBS is overloading us on the promos for a made-for-TV movie called "Category 7," about a giant hurricane that hits the United States. And as my man Chris wonders... is this the best time for such a movie? You think we might want to wait a little while on this one? There may be some people in America who are still a little sensitive about hurricanes. I mean, you don't show "The Crying Game" to a friend of yours who just accidentally hooked up with a dude.
Nate Burleson hauls in a TD pass from Brad Johnson and emulates Daunte Culpepper's stuttering traveling violation endzone dance. That's sweet and all, but let me put forth the idea that if Daunte was healthy, not only would there be no need to be honoring him with an endzone dance, but there'd also be no way that Nate Burleson's celebrating in the endzone right now.
And now, for some reason, we are discussing what it might be like if Mike Tice and Daunte Culpepper had sex. This, I can't explain, but I'm going to share my thoughts with you anyway: that would be a lot of beef moving around. I'd hope that everyone took their Dramamine.
Some ugly weather is passing through the area, and satellite signal has been knocked out. We're in the dark. If it lasts much longer, I'm going to get everyone in the bar organized in a game of Ring Around the Rosy. The seven-year-old girl next to me liked the idea... see, I'm great with kids. The winner will get a pretty pink dress out of Danks' wardrobe.
Audio has been restored on the Chargers/Jets game, just in time for Quentin Jammer to record a pass interference penalty because he didn't look back at the ball. I am openly disputing the call, despite the fact that I saw nothing but a blank screen. Sometimes... a mother just knows.
CBS puts a text update on the screen that says Terrell Owens has not been suspended, he's just been made inactive. Immediately afterwards, they show a quote from Dan Marino saying something about how Andy Reid should superglue TO's lips shut. That was important. I needed an update on that. I need to know when Dan Marino says something a 7-year-old might say. Thanks, CBS.
And speaking of 7-year-olds... we are up to 4 failures in Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl.
Every time I look up at the Cleveland/Tennessee game, Reuben Droughns is ripping off a nice gain. Would it be legal for Jeff Fisher to throw the red flag and demand a breathalyzer?
Oh, we've got a new waitress. It's my girl. She loves me, I can just tell. She says, "If you guys need anything, just yell at me. Seriously, yell. You can be like 'Bitch, get over here!'" I think this will be a nice preview for her of what our life will be like when we're married.
The Chargers, quite predictably, have let the Jets back into the game. The Chargers having lost 4 games is not a coincidence. The loss to the Eagles, I'm still calling a fluke. But in losses against Dallas and Denver, and even the win against KC, we took a lead and then just refused to put those teams away. If we lose this, it's not bullshit, it's not bad luck, it's because right now, that's who we are.
Shawn Merriman has five sacks on the year, despite not playing very much at all in the first three or four games of the year. Physically, this man is a beast. He's like a younger, perhaps a little stronger, lighter-skinned Lavar Arrington who doesn't, to my knowledge, have a chess room or a full suit of knight's armor.
My waitress/imaginary girlfriend is now flirting with someone else at another table, and unfortunately, he is much better-looking than me. It's a good thing we have such an open relationship, or I'd get up and slap both of them right now. MJD keeps his pimp hand strong.
Brooks Bollinger has entered the game, and has resumed his Wisconsin Badger form. He's unstoppable right now. He looks like John fucking Elway. Is this really Brooks Bollinger? Come on... someone's pulling a joke on us. That's John Elway back there.
LaDainian Tomlinson is stopped for about a loss of two, and some idiot Jets fan yells, "YOU AIN'T NO CURTIS MARTIN, BOY!" Ah, New Jersey. Fine people there.
The Chargers, up by 5, with a third down in their own territory, cough it up on a Drew Brees fumble. I am not comfortable with this. Failures #5, #6, and #7 of Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl have just occurred. I am so sorry, little girl.
And I'm starting to hate this Jersey prick behind me... silent before the game, silent while his Jets are getting hammered, but now that they've found a little success, he re-assumes his rightful Jersey persona of loud, drunk, irritating prick.
4th and goal at the 3 for the Jets, 59 seconds on the clock, they're down five. Says Dick Enberg, "this may be the game." It may be? Under what circumstances would it not be the game, Dick? Take your ass back to Wimbledon, old man.
QUENTIN JAMMER HAS HUGE BALLS. Chargers win, and I'm looking around the room giving the "Shhhh" gesture to the Jets fans. Shhhhh, Jersey bitch. Shhhhh.
Alright. The Chargers are done. I think I can stop corrupting the young lady now. But you know, the more I think about it... believe me, I'm not proud of myself, but if daddy is callous enough to make her sit in a sports bar all day, chances are the daddy's dropping some f-bombs around the house. Before the day's over, this little girl will have spent about 7 hours in a sports bar, so I'm guessing that daddy won't be winning the father of the year award. I'm not saying what I did was okay... but when she's in need of major psychotherapy in a few years, it's not going to be because MJD called Brooks Bollinger a cocksucker. That's all I'm saying.
In for the Green Bay Packers at running back... Samkon Gado. The first thing I thought when I heard that name: That's a bad motherfucker of a name. The second thing: Who the hell is this guy? And the third thing: I bet Peter King makes a goofy comment about his name tomorrow.
And hey, Charlie Batch goes the entire first quarter without throwing an interception. That's gotta be considered a upset.
Woops. On the first play of the 2nd quarter, Charlie Batch throws a picture-perfect interception. No Steelers were even in the area.
And before I forget it, just let me mention how bitter I still am that Charlie Batch somehow came in 2nd in the Leaf vs. Manning debate. If you'd have told me at the time that Charlie Batch would still be around in the NFL so many years later, and Ryan Leaf would be out of the league... I'd have called you a liar, punched you in the stomach, ran away and then cried for about four hours.
And just staying on the Ryan Leaf theme for a minute... young Brady Leaf threw a touchdown pass for the Oregon Ducks yesterday. If he does go on to have a nice college career, would anyone have the balls to draft him? What if he hired his brother Ryan as his agent?
Oh, my waitress/girlfriend just called me "sweetie." She is the one for me... we are so in love. She almost made physical contact, too.
Man, Tiger Stadium is empty. The one in Detroit is only slightly more empty than the one in Baton Rouge right now. That's a little bit sad. But considering the display that the Saints put on for the fans last week, and that a lot of fans are probably afraid of being assaulted by Tom Benson... it's somewhat understandable. A little sad to see, though.
First and goal at the three for Green Bay. The next three plays: false start, false start, fumble taken the house by Pittsburgh. Vince Lombardi would not approve. It's probably not fun to be Brett Favre at the moment. Or anyone else in Green Bay, for that matter.
OH, and she just called me "baby." "Sweetie" might have been a friendly coincidence. "Baby" is a sign that my affection is being reciprocated. I am so gone. We are going to be so happy together. I might mount her right here on this table.
And I really wish I hadn't said that out loud right next to a young girl. Operation Don't Curse in Front of a Seven-Year-Old Girl can now be termed a complete failure.
With 2:52 left in the third quarter, the Steelers complete their first pass of the day to a wide receiver. That's not good. But at the same time, Charlie Batch has just one interception. He's bad, but he's not Tommy Maddox bad.
My waitress/girlfriend comes by and says, "Can I get you anything?" Yeah, what you can do, sweetheart, is go home and pack up all your things and move in with me tonight. Let me take you away from your life of serving chicken wings and cheap domestic beer. Actually, wait... I have no desire to take her away from that, cuz I kinda like that stuff. But yeah, just go to my house, put on a Tomlinson jersey and get ready to be ravaged. I will share you only with Crazy Fish Guy.
Samkon Gado, we're told, shakes the hands of all of his linemen after every drive and thanks them for giving him an opportunity to run. That's a pretty cool thing to do... I want to hang with Samkon.
The Steelers and Giants have both managed to slowly put away their opponents. It's kinda sad watching Brett Favre go through the post-game handshakes and ass-pats. Because everyone loves him, everyone respects him, and everyone wants to be nice to him... but he's got that forced smile on his face that says, "Thanks for being nice and all, but I don't want to be admired, I want to win, and I can't, and it hurts." Hang in there, buddy. We all know you didn't say those bad things about Warren.
New Orleans and Chicago, which I can't make myself watch, is tied with just a few minutes left. I don't even care who wins, and apparently, no one in Baton Rogue cares, either. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner and the Cardinals are down 14 points to the Seahawks with 4:32 to play. A comeback is unlikely, but as someone once said, "Through Him... all things are possible."
Turnover. No they aren't.
Until next week...
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 8:16 PM 10 comments
