Sunday, December 18, 2005
| Week 15 - 2005/2006 |
We've got a brand new waitress this week. She is also of the overly-friendly variety, but of course, that may just be my undeniable sexual magnetism. She's friendly, she's bubbly, and she's a little touchy-feely, which of course I like.
You know, I really feel like the Chargers have a better than 50% chance to win this week. I know the Colts aren't going to rest anyone, but they are due for a letdown, right? They clinched home field last week, and even if they're saying all the right things, psychologically, that's got to affect them. I'm not expecting their sharpest performance this week. In fact, fuck it, I'm making the Chargers my leadpipe lock of the week.
Oh, and if you're any one of the many readers here that are a part of Danks' large cult following, I should tell you right now that he's not with us today. He's watching the Steelers game with his girlfriend's family. Why? Because he's wearing his pretty skirt today, and didn't want to make it smell like smoke at the sports bar. Also, I think this is a very heavy flow day for him.
The good news, though, is that my brother Lucas is joining us, and his mouth and mind are often far filthier than Danks'. As soon as we get here, he asks me to point out which waitress is my girlfriend, and he's a fan. The following conversation takes place:
Him: Do you think I could get a job here as a server?
Me: No.
Him: Why?
Me: Because you don't give me an erection.
Hey, remember a week or two ago when I linked to that rap song by the 12-year-old Colts fan, and I said that I didn't want to say anything bad about a 12-year-old. Well... today is a new day, and you can go fuck yourself, junior.
Early in the Chargers/Colts game, the Bolts are getting pretty good pressure on Manning. Shawne Merriman just got to him, and had a firm grip on Manning's ankle. If Shawne Merriman weren't such a nice guy, that would've been the perfect opportunity to just grab and twist. It could've been Sorgi time, so so easily.
Heath Miller hauls in a Ben Roethlisberger pass for a nice gain, and my brother starts babbling that Health Miller should be the Offensive Rookie of the Year, which is a very Steeler fan thing to do. I mean, he's a solid player and was a very nice draft pick, but he's on pace for about 400 yards receiving. That's somehow better than Cadillac Williams or Ronnie Brown? I tell him that if Health Miller wins the rookie of the year, I'll shove a bowling ball into my ass. He promises that if it happens, there will be pictures here on the website. I don't think you want that.
OH, and it's Keenan McCardell getting loose for a Chargers touchdown. Oh, that was a thing of beauty. It feels like our day.
Crazy Fish Guy's a little late this week. He rolls in at about 1:30 and attempts to hijack a seat at our table. I tell him, like always, that we're expecting some other people in our empty chairs. Again, he starts to go into his bullshit "I'll leave when they get here" routine. But that's not happening today. Lucas, quite gruffly, cuts him off and tells him he can't sit there. He does not respect the legend of Crazy Fish Guy. Of course, I'm glad as hell that he won't be sitting with us today.
The Colts have the ball deep in the Chargers red zone, and they're going for it on 4th and 1. The playcall is baffling. Peyton Manning rolls out on a naked bootleg to his left. I'm not sure if Reggie Wayne didn't know the playcall, or was just doing a poor job of blocking, but his ineptitude on this particular play helps Shawne Merriman get another sack of Peyton Manning. Merriman is playing out of his mind right now.
The Vikings kinda suck today. Of course, this is becoming a trend: NFC team wins a few games in a row. NFC team plays a decent AFC team. NFC team gets dickwhipped. The Vikings can't run the ball, and I think Brad Johnson is throwing all of his passes with his eyes closed while thinking to himself, "Please don't intercept it, please don't intercept it, please don't intercept it..." This is more in-line with what we should all have been expecting from Brad Johnson.
And then, of course, they intercept it. The Vikings head into the half with the score at 10-3 Steelers, when they had every reasonable opportunity to make it 10-6 or better.
Also at the half, the Chargers lead the Colts 13-0. Anyone know of the last time the Colts were shut out in a first half? I don't think I've seen anyone get pressure on Manning like the Chargers have been doing thus far.
Also on the subject of the NFC sucking gorilla balls, the Titans and Seahawks are tied at the half.
Lucas is making fun of Nate Kaeding, calling him the ugliest player in the NFL. Not only is that mean, and just the kind of thing that we try to avoid here in the Smorgasbord, it's just completely untrue. Nate Kaeding is a damn handsome man. Lucas says it looks like someone punched him under the nose and caved his entire face in. I think he's a fine specimen that any of my female or non-traditional male readers should be thrilled to look at. He just hit his 3rd field goal of the day, though. 16-0 Bolts.
A Saints fan is holding up a sign that says "FAN ON ZANEX," with the F, the O, and the X highlighted. Clever thought, but isn't in Xanax? I'm not one to blast a guy for spelling errors, but it's 3 words, and clearly designed to be on national television. Take the extra 5 seconds to check it out. And Tom Cruise would not approve of your drug abuse anyway, Mister.
Things have taken a turn for the worse in the Chargers/Colts game. I closed my eyes for five seconds to fantasize about the new waitress, and I open them, and the Colts are up 17-16. Dwight Freeney got into Drew Brees from the blindside and caused a fumble deep in our territory. I'm getting really tired of that happening. Fuck.
Oh, and I want you to know, that just now, for Deadspin, I did an image search for "double-headed dildo" while sitting in a sports bar. That's not something I ever anticipated happening in my life.
Lucas got up and went to the bathroom, and he came back with a disturbing report. Crazy Fish Guy was in there conducting some business, and afterwards, he did not wash his hands. This is not at all surprising. However, and I'm not sure that we can confirm this, Crazy Fish Guy may also be a non-flusher. I dunno, I can't even say it's all that disturbing. If you knew Crazy Fish Guy, you'd understand. You'd just shrug your shoulders and say, "Well, yeah, I mean... look at him."
THE BURNER. Michael Turner, better known as LaDainian Tomlinson's personal caddy, has just gotten loose for an 83-yard TD run against the Colts, and that will wrap this baby up. Somewhere right now, Mercury Morris and the boys should be getting high as a motherfucker. And I hope that 12-year-old with the rap song is crying like a little bitch.
I am not what you'd call a gracious winner. I apologize. Lil' Ronnie, or whatever your name was... I'm sorry. You're 12, and I shouldn't call you a little bitch. I am sincerely sorry. I hope you grow up and win 82 Soul Train awards, though I think we'd both have to agree that that's unlikely.
The Steelers are also finishing off the Vikings in the only other decent game of the 1 o'clock set. The margin of victory isn't huge, but it never really felt like the Vikings were in it. It never felt like they had a chance.
Of course, this game could be relevant if the Titans can pull the upset. They've actually been leading for most of the 2nd half, but the Seahawks have just gone up 28-24. I'm sorry, but if you can't dominate the Titans at this point in the season, I can't take you seriously as a super bowl team.
New waitress girl comes over and puts her hand on my back, leans close and says, "Can I get you anything, sweetie?" That almost bordered on strange. I mean, she practically whispered it to me. I told her that if she came back with some chocolate sauce and a bib that we can both leave here happy.
Okay, I didn't really say that.
There are a few Browns fans here that are commendably boisterous. At this point in the season, I'll be honest, I'm impressed. It's gotta be hard to get up for December games against the Raiders when neither team is going anywhere.
At the very least, I respect them more than the fans at the Cleveland game who are dressed as big french fry containers with "CHARLIE'S FRYES" written across the front. Those may be the lamest fan costumes I've ever seen. I mean, you just sewed yourself a costume that has you looking like a box of french fries to honor a guy who has made the remarkable accomplishment of beating out Trent Dilfer for playing time in a meaningless part of a season.
It's 17-0 Bengals in the first quarter. Paul Tagliabue should announce the retraction of the Lions franchise at halftime of this game. The Lions suck.
The Redskins are also pounding the Cowboys. It's such a thorough pounding that I really have an honest suspicion that the Redskins are stealing signals or something. I really don't mean that as a slight, Redskins fans. You might actually be better than the Cowboys, but you aren't that much better. Everything they do is working. Nothing the Cowboys are doing is working.
Another tidbit about the Redskins, and further evidence that the NFC sucks gorilla balls: The Redskins currently stand at 7-6. Their record against NFC teams is 7-2.
And you know what... these games are boring as hell, and I'm closing up shop early this week. Conditions just aren't good for Smorgasbording right now. I've got friends in from out of town that I don't usually see, every single game on is unwatchable, and I think I can smell the urine on Crazy Fish Guy's hands from across the room. I think this is a good stopping point. Also, for next week, there's this little holiday that's going down, so I can't promise a Smorgasbord, though I'm not ruling it out, either. We'll have to see how things go.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 10:11 PM 13 comments
Monday, December 12, 2005
| Week 14 - 2005/2006 |
My arrival was delayed until right at kickoff this week, which is not my usual modus operandi. I like to get in at around noon or so, enjoy a little bit of NFL Countdown, and give the waitresses a chance to have me all to themselves for a while. But I did a little traveling this weekend for my big brother's birthday, so I got in right at 1 o'clock, have gotten about 7 hours of combined sleep over the last 48, have already spent about 4 hours in a car today, and will spend the next 7 or 8 sitting in this bar, and I may set some records today for physical inactivity. I also have this Deadspin thing happening today, so I have no idea how this is going to go.
Once again, Crazy Fish Guy's at our table. Of course, he was there before I was, again pulling the "I'll leave when your friends get here" bit, and then staying all fucking day. My man AJ is sitting over at the bar while CFG sits here just taking up space. It's really not cute anymore. I bet he goes home and tells the wife about how he was hanging out at the bar with his new friends, while I am honestly thinking about spitting in his Mountain Dew.
Tom Brady gets his from behind, sliding along the cold Buffalo turf on his stomach. I bet that hit tore out his belly-button ring.
Early on, the Steelers are just running through the vaunted Bears defense. I hesitate to make any judgments after just a couple of possessions, but you know, I don't think this year's version of the Steelers offense would've posed much of a threat to the '85 Bears defense. I don't see any Richard Dents or Mike Singletarys out there. I mean no disespect, but I think anyone making those comparisons has to be sniffing a whole lot of glue.
JP Losman's made some pretty decent throws in the Buffalo/New England game. Danks is talking about him with Crazy Fish Guy, but I'd be almost willing to bet that CFG has never before heard the name "JP Losman." Either that, or he calls him "JT Wiseman" or something.
I was hoping to get an update on the Raiders fan waitress girl this week, but I don't think she's here. I've been wondering for a week what she did, or if she got fired. I kinda feel bad for her, because I say absolutely terrible things about her here every week, and she's probably a perfectly nice person, but still, I can't help but believe she was fired for having sex with a line cook on top of the fryer because she liked the way it felt when her ass was burned.
I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.
The waitress we do have today, however, is the one from Week 6 with the phenomenal ass. I want it to be my pillow.
Danks describes Losman as "too eccentric in the pocket." I'm sure he misspoke and meant either "excitable" or perhaps "erratic," but I like the idea of a guy being too eccentric on the pocket. Too many guys out there drop back and start designing flowery wallpaper patterns and doing interpretive dance to techno Yanni remixes.
You know how sometimes when a teammate is congratulating another teammate, it can look like he's doing it in an aggressive and unfriendly fashion? Maybe you hit a guy in the shoulder and say, "That's how we do it, boy," or something like that... but I don't think punters get that. Panthers punter Jason Baker made a TD-saving tackle, and a teammate got in his face, grabbed his shoulder and shook him (presumably) in congratulations, and Baker just cowered in fear. Poor guy may need years of therapy to get over that one.
I don't know if it's a clip from today's pregame show that I missed, or what, but CBS shows a shot of Shannon Sharpe wearing a tie that a 7-year-old might wear to Sunday School. It is light blue, striped, and the knot is roughly half the size of his substantial head.
Here's a fun factoid from CBS: The distance from the Steelers locker room to the sideline is 60 feet. The distance from the visiting team's locker room to their sideline is 762 feet. Pretty clever, Heinz Field architects. Next year, they should add a moat that is filled with alligators and bitter Pittsburgh housewives.
At a 4th-and-1 around midfield, the Browns line up as if they're going for it, but they're clearly not snapping the ball. They just want the Bengals to jump offsides. And they do. That so rarely works. If a team falls for that, how am I supposed to take them seriously as a Super Bowl contender?
Danks' girlfriend had a birthday party this weekend (Happy 12th, Meghann), and Danks, as some kind of a favor to her, wore a Joey Porter jersey, with a sign taped over it that said, "I'm a Patriots fan, but I'm whipped" or something to that effect. That is so very sad. I hope that Meghann gives him his balls back for Christmas.
Just past halftime, the score of the Indy/Jacksonville game is 20-3 Indy. This looks like another classic "Now Shut the Fuck Up" game for the Colts. They just sit back, let people talk, let the other team think it might really be their week, and then they come out and punch them in the mouths, leaving no doubt as to who the better team is. It's impressive.
The Bears continue to be unimpressive in their efforts at Heinz Field, which is getting snowier, uglier, and muddier. The nice thing about the playing surface at Heinz is that you can play four quarters of football on it, and then host a mud-wrestling tournament on it immediately afterwards. It really is a poor playing surface. They need to get the high school teams and the high-school caliber college teams like Pitt that play there to go somewhere else.
As the Patriots continue to destroy the Bills, CBS is zooming in on the center/quarterback snap exchange, which ends up just being a high-definition close-up of Tom Brady's ass. I don't know if it's a coincidence, but Danks had to get up and go to the bathroom immediately afterwards.
Overly Exuberant Dolphins fan from last week is here, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but the Chargers play the Dolphins this week. Both he and Crazy Fish Guy might get their asses whooped.
The Steelers polish off their victory over the Bears, who just weren't very good today. I don't know if they're overrated because they get to play the Bears, Packers, and Vikings twice each, or if they just had a bad day, but... I'm leaning towards the first option. There is no team in the NFC who I can look at and say, "Yes, I am positive that this is a very good football team." Seattle's the closest, but I'm not even sure about them.
I don't get Jeremy Shockey fans... Even if you like the Giants, I think you should respect yourself enough to wear a Shockey jersey. I'm not saying you have to hate him. If he played for my team, I'd just regard him as a necessary evil and try to pretend he's someone else. But the guys with the Shockey jerseys? That's a group of people I'll just never have anything in common with.
The Cardinals pick off a Mark Brunell pass that was headed for the endzone. AJ looks over at me and says, "Gimme one," hoping to hear my Cardinals "Caw!" which apparently makes him happy. Unbeknownst to me, the waitress with the phenomenal ass has stopped at the table at that very moment and is about to say something to me just as I scream "Caw!" right in her face. I think I scared the hell out of her.
Oh, man... I don't even know if I should share this with you. I'm struggling with the decision right now. I'm thinking, I'm thinking... Gimme a second.
Fuck it. Crazy Fish Guy has a post-it note in front of him, where he's written down "18 + 9 =27."
I feel terrible for telling you that. Maybe he's just doodling. Maybe he's... I dunno. Maybe he's making flash cards for his kid's upcoming math test or something. I'm... I don't know what to tell you.
Some dude in the stands in the Chargers/Dolphins game has a Seau jersey that's half Chargers jersey and half Dolphins jersey, both cut in half and then sewn together. Unless you're Junior Seau's mother or something, that's so lame. Basically, this guy has ruined two jerseys to make one jersey that he can only wear when the Dolphins play the Chargers and Seau is on the field, which will probably never happen again. And even if it does, the guy will still look stupid.
And the Cardinals intercept the Redskins deep inside the redzone again. This is awesome. Come on, Birds.
By the way, the bar is full of Eagles, Giants, Cowboys, and Redskins fans now. Excluding the Raiders (and possibly the Jets), you cannot find a group of fans any more obnoxious than any of those four right there. It's a pretty brutal atmosphere in here right now. Someone's going to get date-raped.
Speaking of the Eagles, they are somehow tied with the Giants at the half. I guess today is "Make an NFC Contender Look Like a Bitch" Day. We're supposed to take the Giants seriously, and they can't dominate the Eagles, who are playing without every decent player on their roster?
Also at the half, the Dolphins have just 8 rushing yards against the Chargers. The Bolts lead just 7-3, though. I am uncomfortable with that. I don't believe the Chargers are looking ahead to the Indianapolis game, because that just doesn't make sense to me. Every game is a must-win. I do believe, though, that the Bolts have been playing must-win games for about a month and a half now, and after five straight wins, a letdown is bound to happen at some point. But the Dolphins aren't the kind of team you can do that against.
I love this highlight of Kyle Boller taking the snap, attempting to drop back, falling down, picking himself up in time, scrambling to his left to avoid the rush, and then frantically throwing into double coverage for an easy INT. That pretty much sums up the career of Kyle Boller to this point.
Darren Sproles coughs up a fumble on a kickoff return, and the Fish have recovered. Crazy Fish Guy starts cheering, and I start to hate Crazy Fish Guy. He gets up and gives a high five to Overly Exuberant Dolphins fan, and if you like him so much, Crazy Fish Guy, who don't you go sit with him at his fucking table?
I'm not sure how it came up, but my buddy Chris apparently believes that the Chargers are losing because God is unhappy with me about something. Or perhaps, multiple things. He's got a lot of reasons, which run the gamut from lying to murder to adultery to the fact that I don't like Home Alone to having impure thoughts about waitresses. Personally, I think the Chargers are just having a terrible game, but if we want to turn this into a personal intervention for all of my sins, I guess we can do that.
Phil Simms, and I'm not sure this has happened before, says something useful. Trent Green told him that on situations where the Chiefs need a big 3rd down pick-up, he's going to stretch the field from side to side, and throw to the guy being covered by Anthony Henry, because he just isn't tall enough. And that is precisely what he's doing.
I'm not sure how this came up, either, but Chris and Danks are discussing when they learned their multiplication tables. I don't know if it's just some random topic that came up, or if they're doing it on purpose to antagonize Crazy Fish Guy, who apparently struggles with basic addition. I think he's crying now.
Drew Brees hits Eric Parker for what should be a key 1st down on a 3rd and long, but Parker, in an attempt to gain more yardage, steps backwards and now it's 4th and 1. There are 4 and a half minutes left, and we only need one score. I'm extremely confident that our defense can get a stop. Punting is the way to go here.
Marty disagrees. He goes for it, and through a spot that I'm not sure was all that great, Lorenzo Neal picks it up. A couple of plays later, however, Drew Brees will drop back, be hit from behind, and fumble. Ouch. Not even the Nextel commercial can cheer me up now.
Fuck.
And now I positively need Dallas to beat Kansas City, or I see myself taking a long nap in a running car parked in a sealed-up garage sometime in the near future.
Meanwhile, the Eagles have also tied the score late against the Giants. Danks is calling that this one will end in a tie when Jay Feely misses several FG attempts in overtime and the Eagles fail to even get past their own 50-yard-line.
Drew Bledsoe hits someone named Dan Campbell in the endzone for a 1-yard TD to give the Cowboys the lead. Immediately afterwards, the cameras capture Gunther Cunningham on the sidelines, screaming at another assistant, "What the hell are you doing?" I can't be sure, Gunther, but I think he was laughing at your yellow duck-hunting glasses. PULL!
Meanwhile, there's someone behind me who's screaming at nearly every play in every game. I don't know who it is, or who he's rooting for, but I think he's just fascinated by the way his voice sounds when he screams. And he keeps yelling, "Everything's turning up clay!" I have no idea what the fuck that means.
Jay Feely has a 36-yard attempt in overtime, and if he misses this one, he should run off the field, get in his car and drive to Canada. Don't shower, don't talk to the media, don't even take your helmet or your spikes off, just get the hell out of there, or someone will kill you.
Thankfully, he buries it. Not that I wanted the Giants to win, but I really didn't want Jay Feely's life to be in danger... either from a prematurely celebrating Jeremy Shockey, an overzealous Giants fan from Jersey who thinks he's a Soprano, or from a suicide attempt.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 2:11 AM 2 comments
Sunday, December 04, 2005
| Week 13 - 2005/2006 |
My girl is here, but she isn't our waitress. Our waitress is the skanked-out Raiders fan, only she isn't wearing her Raiders jersey this weekend, so I guess I won't demand that she not be allowed to touch my food. Meanwhile, my girl is over there calling some other guy "baby," and acting all friendly. I think I might have to kill this man. My buddy Nate has a knife. I'm thinking about it.
NFL Countdown (which sucks without Michael Irvin) is doing a little piece on the 71-year-old Brad Johnson. I'm just wondering how a team like the Vikings goes through a training camp and a quarter of a season and they can't spot that Brad Johnson is better suited to QB the Vikings than Daunte Culpepper. Seriously, I'm wondering. I'm not even going to begin to imply that I know something more than Mike Tice does. Maybe something like that just isn't visible. I dunno. Or maybe the Vikings just went with the guy who runs the fastest and throws the hardest.
OH, CHRISTMAS COMES EARLY. That Nextel commercial is back. The ones with the guys dancing to "Push It," when the other guy comes in and asks them some questions... you know what I'm talking about. I laugh every damn time I see it. God bless you, Nextel. I've also adopted the arms-motionless-at-my-side dancing technique.
Here's Crazy Fish Guy. He asks if our table is full, and I tell him yes, and he says he's going to just sit down until other people show up, and then he'll leave... which basically means that he'll be sitting here all fucking day. I love the man like a father, of course, but I can only handle him in small doses.
Crazy Fish Guy is asking us who we like in the late games, and Danks and I are advising him to go with the Cardinals. He starts talking about Kurt Warner and ends up telling me, "Some days you're up, and some days, you're down." I'm getting life lessons from Crazy Fish Guy.
By the way, the Cards are also my lead pipe lock of the week.
And now my girl is sitting with someone else. Apparently, she has decided that we need to see other people. She hasn't even come over and said hello to me. This is starting to feel like a very one-sided relationship. Later, I will punch her in the uterus to straighten her out.
There's a guy here in a Bill Romanowski jersey. That's an interesting look. That's about the same as walking around the bar carrying a sign that says, "I AM AN ASSHOLE. I HAVE NO REDEEMING QUALITIES." A Romanowski jersey... who does that? If you want to wear a #53 Romanowski jersey, fine, but having "CHEATING RACIST DOUCHEBAG" put across the back instead of his name.
As predicted, two of my friends are forced to sit at another table. Crazy Fish Guy is still here. He is one of three things: 1) a liar, 2) oblivious to the world around him, or 3) really lonely and in need of some company. 3 is most likely.
JP Losman is currently 3-of-3 for 107 yards and 2 TDs, both to Lee Evans. Careful, Buffalo. You don't want to use up the rest of JP Losman's touchdowns this year, all in one quarter. Pace yourself a little bit.
Dolphins punter Donnie Jones just pounded Bills return man Roscoe Parrish. Absolutely lit him up. He was the last one back, and refused to be embarrassed by a typical weak-ass punter tackle. He brought the lumber.
Dan Dierdorf tells us that it physically hurts Ben Roethlisberger to hand the ball off. I start yelling "OUCH!" every time he turns around and gives the ball to Willie Parker. But seriously, if you're a Steelers fan, aren't you a little bit concerned that Ben Roethlisberger's joints seemed to be composed out of the stuff that McDonalds uses to make their drink trays? Maybe it's bad luck, maybe it's too early to say, but he appears to be... fra-gi-le. Must be Italian.
Christmas Story reference there. Sorry. 'Tis the season.
Alright, JP Losman has thrown his third TD of the quarter to Lee Evans. This is flat-out weird.
Koren Robinson toasts Dre' Bly on a deep route for a gain of about 40. I hope Joey Harrington calls a press conference tomorrow and says that the Lions aren't getting enough production from the corner position.
The Bengals have scored their 3rd TD of the day, and none of them have been to Chad Johnson. This sucks. I think we need to put a league-mandated moratorium on Bengals touchdowns that are not scored by Chad Johnson. What good do those do anyone?b
Steve Smith scores for the Cardinals and... he appears to wipe the ass of the football. I didn't even know that footballs had asses. But not bad, Steve Smith. Sometimes, the baby needs to be changed.
Man, Dick Jauron does not look well. The last time I saw him, he looked vibrant, healthy, fit. Now, he looks like he just spent the last three weeks banging Courtney Love. He is pale, his hair is gray, he looks like he hasn't eaten in weeks. The good news, though, is that he's in a low-stress job where it will be easy to succeed.
The Steelers/Bengals game is 21-17 at the half, with the Bengals in the lead. I don't like the Steelers chances in the 2nd half. There are too many points being scored, and too many of Ben Roethlisberger's body parts are hurting. The Bengals have more offensive playmakers, and this game being what it is, that'll be the difference.
Crazy Fish Guy's still here, but no one's spoken to him in about an hour.
I know it's wrong, but... I can't look at the Panthers cheerleaders without picturing a couple of them going at it in a bathroom. And the good news is that the ones who were arrested were two of the least attractive ones on the squad, so... those who remain make for outstanding bathroom sex fantasies.
Hines Ward scores for the Steelers and breaks out the Ickey Shuffle. I can't say I approve. It was cool when he mocked T.O.'s Eagle thing, and it was funny when he mocked the Riverdance, but come on... leave Ickey Woods out of it. He didn't do anything to anyone. Right now, Ickey Woods is sitting at home saying to himself, "What the fuck did I do?" Also, Hines Ward is a terrible dancer.
I think the Bills just killed Gus Frerotte. Seriously... he could be dead. Someone just mauled him in the endzone for a safety, and Gus is showing neither the ability or the desire to get up. The may have to play the rest of this game with Gus Frerotte laying prone on the football field.
Crazy Fish Guy, for some reason, took the Titans getting 16 points from the Colts. Why he did this, I have no idea. He's probably the only person in America to have made that bet. Jeff Fisher probably put some wood down on the Colts. Seriously, what indication has there been from either of those teams that this game wouldn't be an absolute blowout? I guess this is one of those days where he's down.
My girl continues to bounce around from guy to guy, calling them baby and sweetie and honey and touching them and... FUCK. I'm thinking of breaking up with her. She'll take it hard, and she may kill herself, but... you know, sometimes it can be a painful thing when a lady learns that she might have to live without MJD. Life will go on for her. Just as life would go on for Peyton Manning if Kenny Chesney decided to start dating Michael Vick. And besides, I know I can depend on Raiders fan waitress for a cheap blowjob later.
The Bengals go up by 14 with 6:00 to play. Rudi Johnson squeezed into the corner of the endzone when Troy Polamalu failed to wrap-up on a tackle. Troy's had a rough game today... he's not making many plays. I think he's just upset because T.J. Houshmandzadeh has prettier hair than he does.
Nice. Fox has unearthed some high school pictures of Brad Johnson. I don't think his hairstyle could be described as anything other than a jheri curl. Brad Johnson went through high school with a white man's jheri curl. He's also got a white sweater with horizontal powder blue stripes that he may have borrowed from Bill Cowher.
Nathan Vasher scores another TD, this one coming courtesy of Brett Favre. I think Favre even turned around and started blocking for him on the return. Vasher can go ahead and reserve a room in Honolulu, by the way.
Up by 7 points with under three minutes to play, the Bengals come out throwing. They throw on 2 of 3 plays, with one of them bouncing off the hands of Troy Polamalu. They should be killing clock. Now the Steelers will be getting the ball back with over 2 minutes to play. That was pretty poor, Marvin Lewis.
But fortunately for the Bengals, they got away with it. The Steelers couldn't get anything done in the 2-minute. So, is this Cincinnati's big coming-out-party win? I guess. I dunno. It didn't feel all that convincing. I don't mean to slight them, because they won, and they earned it, but... I really felt like the Steelers fucked this one up more than the Bengals just went out and whooped ass.
And somehow, the Fish might actually win this game against Buffalo. The Bills have done absolutely nothing since the JP Losman/Lee Evans wad-shooting in the 1st quarter. The Fish are inside the Buffalo 15 with about a minute left.
And they do it. Chambers makes an outstanding catch in the endzone, and the Fish have pulled this one out. I'm a little bit leery of the Dolphins next week on the Chargers schedule. After that, they'll play @Indianapolis, @KC, and Denver at home. I hope they don't feel like this Fish game is any kind of a breather, because Miami plays some decent ball. At the very least, they don't beat themselves.
Uh-oh... our Raiders fan waitress is being sent home by the manager. I don't know what she did, but I suspect it has something to do with performing a sex act for money or selling cocaine to children. Perhaps she beat up an elderly customer. I just don't know. She seems a little upset... I actually kinda feel bad for her.
Bad news for the Patriots... Corey Dillon is back and their offense still sucks. Due to time constraints (and me losing focus for a while), we're going to skip ahead a little bit... they have mustered six points in the first half against the Jets. That is not a good sign.
There's a couple of fans here, jawing back and forth. One is a Dolphins fan, who was kinda annoying me a little bit when the Dolphins pulled out that comeback. It was nothing too bad, but he just seemed to like being loud for the sake of being loud. The other is a... well, I'm not sure what he is. He's rooting hard for the Jets, but he's wearing a Vikings Randy Moss jersey. I think that is the main point of contention. They're both assholes. I hope they fight.
Jake Plummer just seems to get more and more scraggly every week. I'm not exactly sure what look he's going for, but hey... he's Jake Plummer, and he's sleeping with a Broncos cheerleader while I pretend to be sleeping with sports bar waitresses, so... do what you do, Jake. Hell, maybe I'll stop shaving and bathing and see how that goes for me.
Speaking of pretending to sleep with waitresses, there's a girl here working the late shift that has on a pair of tight white shorts and no panties. I... mm. Man, I would just... ugh.
Ahem. Sorry. Where was I...
Back to Jake Plummer. 3 of his last 32 pass attempts have been intercepted. Prior to that, he hadn't thrown a pickle in over 200 attempts. How nervous do you think that makes Mike Shanahan? Do you think Shanahan knows he was living on borrowed time with Jake, and that the real Snake was bound to re-emerge sooner or later? Or is he surprised by this, and holding onto hope that it's a one-week aberration? I dunno... I'm kinda thinking that Shanahan is already mentally preparing himself for Denver's exit in the divisional round of the playoffs.
By the way, the Cardinals are up 9-7. FUCKIN' LET'S GO BIRDS. They said you couldn't win without Neil Rackers. Prove them wrong.
The manager of the bar just went over to Overly Exuberant Dolphins fan and threatened to eject him from the bar. I hope he lets him stay until he actually starts a fight. He really seems to hate the "Jets fan" in the Moss jersey. Let's see some blood.
Brooks Bollinger makes the worst throw I've seen since... well, since I watched Jeff Garcia on Thanksgiving, actually. But it was brutal. Just a high, aimless loft to an area of the field where no Jets receivers were present. This isn't hockey, Brooks. You don't pass to an open area of the ice. It's picked, and the Pats will win.
As will the Broncos. An official reversed a spot-of-the-ball on a challenge, and it effectively ended the game. It puts the Chargers one game back of the Broncos in the division, so that's nice, but... we're also going to be tied with the Chiefs at 8-4. If we win out, though, we'll have tiebreakers over both of them, so the division can still be had.
And while Overly Exuberant Dolphins fan and Jets Fan in Moss Jersey are openly calling each other faggots, I'm gonna bounce. Enjoy your Monday.
...posted by the mighty mjd
@ 11:16 PM 8 comments
