Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord

December 24

Before the NFL games are to start, there's poker on one of the big screens, and it is in HD. I'd like to make a nomination for the "Television Activity That Benefits The Least From High-Definition" category. But it is tremendous news for you that can pick up tells from watching the opening and closing of pores.

Being Christmas Eve, the bar is closing after the 1 o'clock games today, which is bullshit. Normally, I'd be pissed off, because that would mean I had to go spend more time with aunts, uncles, extended family and various other miscreants, but the Deadspin thing is ongoing, so I can still get out of that.

My girlfriend is my waitress... and Merry Christmas to MJD. I hope I wake up tomorrow and find a stocking full of her tits.

Mike Ditka is wearing a coat today that Liberace would've considered to be too flamboyant. Man, that thing is red. Bright fucking red. Redder than Dick Vermeil's eyes after watching Titanic.

No sign of Crazy Fish Guy yet, but considering that I'm here by myself, there's a good chance that if he does show up, we'll be spending a lot of time together today. I bet he's just going door-to-door, asking people if he can hang out with them until Christmas dinner, and saying that he'll leave as soon as their families arrive, eventually leaving sometime around the 27th.

Hey, here's a nice surprise. My cousin Jeremy just happens to be here today. I wasn't meeting him here or anything. He's in visiting for the holidays, and I just happened to run into him.

ESPN's NFL Countdown is doing a story on how players often look up at the Jumbotron during play to see more of what's around them. They also mention how Jumbotron operators around the league have gotten creative, like the guy who showed Jay Feeley missing those three straight kicks for the Giants, right before he was about to kick another one. I like the idea. I mean, I don't know if the Feeley thing was particularly effective, but if you could digitally edit a video to make it look like Larry Allen was fucking the kicker's wife... that might do the trick.

Jeremy's at the table next to me, and my girlfriend will also be his waitress. This could get interesting. Jeremy's the kind of guy... well, unlike with me, there's a real chance that my girlfriend could be going home with him. In fact, he's wearing a tight orange t-shirt that says, "ASSUME THE POSITION."

So, for playoff purposes, I'd like to see Pittsburgh lose to Cleveland, Jacksonville lose to Houston, and, of course, I need San Diego to beat Kansas City. Early in both games, which are on televisions right next to each other, KC and Cleveland score simultaneously. Which is not good.

Overheard from Jeremy's table shortly after my girl takes their order: "She's just a little ray of sunshine, isn't she?", "I'd like to just bury my face in those tits", and "I'm going to tell her you're gay."

And now Jacksonville scores on Houston. This is going very well.

There's a Steelers fan here that's driving me fucking crazy. There are two things he yells, and he manages to get at least one of them out one very play. He likes to scream "STONE HANDS!" and "HIT 'EM!" That's it. Dropped pass, fumble, incompletion of any kind, and it's "STONE HANDS!" And nearly every occasion calls for a "HIT 'EM!"

Things continue to not go well for the Chargers. They can't get any running lanes opened up, nor can they protect Drew Brees at all. This... I mean, I don't want to make any kind of judgment on half of the first quarter, but this looks like a day where we're completely out of sync.

I would love to see Marty Schottenheimer physically beat the hell out of Dick Vermeil.

The Chargers now have picked up three penalties this game while punting. I am completely miserable, San Diego.

The commentators in the Steelers/Browns game are discussing the pro potential of Reggie Bush, Matt Leinart, and Vince Young. Some ignorant douchebag behind me says that Vince Young should be converted into a wide receiver. I wish Scoop Jackson was here to pass him a nasty note or something.

The Steelers look frighteningly good. I know the Browns suck, but Ben Roethlisberger has not looked this sharp all year, nor has the Steelers defense. It is an absolute domination. The defense is absolutely killing Charlie Frye. They're blocking punts, they're destroying the quarterback... even Joey Porter has made a couple of plays.

By the way, the fact that Joey Porter is going to the Pro Bowl and Casey Hampton is not is absolutely ridiculous. Hampton is the best player on the Steelers defense, by far. Porter makes dumb-ass kicking motions.

The Chargers finally put together a nice, long, focused drive, that culminates with a screen pass going through LaDainian Tomlinson's hands leading to an interception in the redzone. Fuck.

Sign in Kansas City: "Tony G, meet me under the mistletoe." I hope he does, bitch, and I hope he gives you VD, you dirty fucking whore.

The Cheifs has just outplayed us today. The Chargers today did not look like a very good football team, which I guess, means they aren't a very good football team. San Diego will not be in the playoffs. Since it's Christmas Eve, I'm going to try to not be miserable, but I've got to be considered an underdog in that battle.

New Year's Day

Well, we've got three things that have gone down even before I got here today. Let's go one-by-one.

Dick Vermeil will be retiring after this season with the Chiefs. If you own stock in the company that makes Kleenex, now is the time to sell.

Dom Capers is being fired. Sorry, Dom, but... your team kinda sucks, and that's your fault.

And Maurice Clarett is wanted for aggravated robbery, after holding a gun on someone outside of a bar last night. Well, that's something. I guess it's safe to say that things are not going well for Maurice Clarett. Robbing someone at gun points? That's not like shoplifting... that's not like insurance fraud or something. That is threatening the life of an individual. That pretty much means you have no redeeming qualities as a human being. That means you belong in prison.

Actually, I want to say this about Dick Vermeil: I do have a lot of respect for him. It's easy to make fun of the crying (as you may have noticed), but I think it's a great thing for a coach to have that kind of connection with his players. He cares. He cares about the job he does, he cares about the lives of his players, and he's very good at what he does. Best of luck to Dick Vermeil... although, you know, I'd still kind of like to see Marty Schottenheimer beat his ass.

We're not going to discuss the Chargers today. Not their embarrassing loss to Denver, and not the fact that Drew Brees probably needs surgery which just fucks our offseason, too. Let's pretend it didn't happen.

This seems to be a common theme on all the pregame shows today: Brett Favre needs to come back, because he's got terrible personnel around him, and he's better than this. Listen, we all love Brett Favre, and he might, in fact, be better than this. But he has 28 interceptions going into this week, which is eleven more than anyone else in the NFL. Are his teammates worse than David Carr's? Kyle Orton's? Aaron Brooks'? Because none of them have more than 17 INTs. And Brett Favre has 28.

Michael Irvin's suit is covered in Teflon. I think he could go swimming in that thing and not get wet.

Mr. "STONE HANDS!" is back. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice guy, but I am getting fucking tired of hearing "STONE HANDS!" He's yelling it during pregame shows now. This guy looks like Terry Bradshaw's dumber little brother.

Hey, Joey Harrington's grown a beard. What this means for the Lions is that they now have a bearded bad quarterback.

No sign of my girlfriend this week. I'm sure she's at home wishing she could've spent New Years Eve with me, and she's probably crying, but I just felt like I needed a little space. A little bit of room to breathe, you know. She'll be OK.

Antwan Randle-El takes a first quarter punt to the house, and that should just about do it for this one. We'll see you all next year.

Carson Palmer throws a deep ball to Chris Henry, who just seems to not really feel like catching it. He halfheartedly throws one arm up in the air, the other remaining comfortably at his side, and the ball drops harmlessly to the ground. He really just seemed to not give a fuck about catching that one.

Anyone else a little bit weirded out by how public Tony Dungy's grieving process has had to be? I'm not criticizing anyone in particular, of course, but... I just don't feel like I should be able to actually see this much of the process.

You know, I'm not sure, but I think Joey Harrington just led a very solid touchdown drive for the Lions. I mean, he was sharp. Apparently, having a beard automatically raises your QB rating by 18-22 points.

And a few minutes later, he does the same thing. It's another Joey Harrington engineered touchdown drive. His season QB rating is 68.7. His QB rating today is 143.2. Ron Pitts and Kurt Menefee, probably about the world's foremost experts on Joey Harrington, since they're Fox's team that gets assigned to bad NFC games, are positively glowing.

Two other things I want to point out about the Harrington emergence, though. 1) Perhaps the most interesting thing about it is that, to this point, it has had nothing to do with either Roy Williams, Charlie Rogers, or Mike Williams. Scotty Vines is currently their best WR. And 2) I don't want to rain on anyone's parade, but two or three of his passes have bounced off of Pittsburgh Steelers. He's progressing, perhaps, but you know... he's not Tom Brady yet.

The Kansas City/Cincinnati game has been pretty uneventful to this point. It's 6-3 KC. You know, considering Vermeil's retirement, how well the Chiefs are playing right now, and the fact that the Bengals can't stop the run, I'd be shocked if the Chiefs didn't win.

Kurt Menefee, discussing the blocking technique of Max Starks, describes him as "playing high." I like the job he's doing, and I think he's a pretty solid color commentator, but if I want to hear anyone talk about playing high, Michael Irvin has to be considered the expert.

Because it looks like there's an outside chance that it will matter, Larry Johnson breaks one... 13-3 Chiefs.

Chiefs get a quick INT, followed by another Larry Johnson score... He now has 137 yards and 2 TDs at the half. The Bengals... they're a decent team, but no one's going to win a Super Bowl, or even get close, with that kind of a run defense.

At halftime, Jimmy Johnson says that the Lions should keep Joey Harrington, Dick Juaron, and Mike Millen. Apparently, Jimmy Johnson hates the Detroit Lions. Juaron, maybe, I could see. The Lions have actually played better under him. Harrington, maybe you keep, but you have to add a solid veteran, too. Millen, there is no reason to keep. None. He has failed terribly at his job.

Hey, Larry Johnson scores again. It's 27-3 Chiefs, and Larry has 170 yards and 3 TDs.

The Steelers also go up 2 TDs behind a Jerome Bettis score. There seems to be a lot of sentiment at Heinz today that Jerome Bettis is retiring, and I'm not sure why. He doesn't look like a guy who should be retiring. No, he's not going to carry is 20 times a game anymore. But he can serve a purpose, he can be a valuable asset to a team, and he can help the Steelers. They should want him back.

I don't have anything else interesting for you. The Steelers are in control, KC is in control, and none of the other decent games are on TVs that I can see, so I'm going to bounce. Happy New Year again to everyone who's reading. Thanks for sticking with me. *chest pound*