The bartender this week has a lovely rack that is unfortunately covered by a Ray Lewis jersey. I don’t like the Ravens, not even a little bit, and I think that Ray Lewis in particular is a douchebag… but I don’t hate them as much as I hate, say, the Raiders. But it got me to thinking… if I met a comely young lady that was interested, and she was wearing a Raiders jersey… would I? Could I pull the trigger? I don’t think I could do it, unless she was okay with me adding a few face-punches into the repertoire.
It reminds me of the episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm when Larry wouldn’t sleep with Cady Huffman because she had a picture of George W. Bush in her dressing room. It ruined it for him, as would the Raiders jersey ruin it for me. Of course, there was the opposing viewpoint of Jeff Greene, who said, “Who gives a flying fuck if she’s a republican? I’d fuck her with a Bush mask on.”
Anyone in a Raiders jersey, I’d have to say no, but in the particular case of the Ravens-loving bartender… her ass is as spectacular as Ray Lewis is overrated. Not that I’m going to have the option, but I’d say yes to it.
They’re kicking around an interesting topic on ESPN’s Gameday. When Javon Walker went down last week, I thought about how much it sucked that he probably won’t be getting as much of a payday as he otherwise would have. Should Brett Favre feel like a douchebag about this? I say yes. Favre was the one being a company man, using his considerable sway to criticize Javon Walker in public and pressuring him to end his holdout and get to camp. He eventually did. Favre couldn’t be bothered to go to management and try to help Javon out. Now he’s out for the year, and his negotiating position in the offseason is pretty tenuous. I think Brett Favre should write him a letter of apology and a check for about $5 million.
There’s a feature on now about Rodney Harrison at ref school in the off-season. My man Chris theorizes that Rodney would be the worst official ever, in terms of letting things go. To Rodney Harrison, there are no such things as late hits, defenseless receivers, or spearing penalties. Other officials would constantly be having to talk him into calling penalties. “Come on, Rodney, that guy was down for three seconds before the defender hit him.” “Come on, Rodney, the safety launched the crown on his helmet right into that guy’s groin, after he announced that he was going to do it.” “Come on, Rodney, that guy had a knife.”
Danks brought his girlfriend this week. She’s a Steelers fan, he’s a Patriots fan. Danks is watching the Patriots in the back room, while Meghann is out here watching the Steelers with the rest of us. I sent Danks the following text message: “Crazy Fish Guy’s here. Meghann just blew him.”
On the TVs today, we’ve got Eagles/49ers, Steelers/Texans, Bills/Bucs, and Vikings/Bengals. I think the Steelers are a pretty sure bet today at -5. David Carr is just not a very good quarterback. It’s his 3rd year, his line is better, there are no excuses left.
Chad Johnson hauls in a 70-yard pass. Doug catches the tail end of the play, and says, “Did Carson Palmer throw that?” No, super fan, I think it was Akili Smith.
Sitting a few feet away from us is the spitting image of Jeff Fisher. The facial features, the mini-mullet, the ‘stache, everything. It’s as if this man is trying to look like Jeff Fisher. It might work for him. He could probably walk around Nashville and pull some decent trim.
Willie Parker is picking up right where he left off. Yes, he’s in a nice situation, he’s got a solid passing game and a solid offensive line, but he’s a talented dude, too. Fast, quick, shifty, and deceptively powerful… I don’t know what Bill Cowher plans to do when Bettis and Staley are healthy, but yanking Parker out of the starting line-up in favor of one of those guys would be akin to reacquiring Kordell Stewart and starting him ahead of Ben Roethlisberger.
My man Nate went to the bathroom, and urinated next to a grown man who stood at a urinal with his pants and underwear around his ankles.
Andre Johnson and Chris Hope get into a bit of a dust-up after a play. Color guy (not to be confused with “colored guy”) Steve Tasker identifies them as Andre Davis and DeShea Townsend. So not only did he not do his homework, he flat-out refuses to even read the backs of their jerseys.
David Akers is laying face down on a trainer’s table on the sidelines. I guess he hurt himself or something. A trainer stands next to him with his hand on Akers’ ass for a solid minute or two. I love the new injury-treatment method. A happy kicker is a healthy kicker, I guess.
Meanwhile, Mark Simoneau boots the extra point for the Eagles. Not that it’s going to matter against the 49ers.
Some numbers from the Eagles/Niners clash: Tim Rattay, 3/10 3 interceptions. Terrell Owens, 143 yards, 2 TDs. Can you guess who’s winning?
Cris Collinsworth is in the stands at the Bengals/Vikings game, sitting alone and looking depressed. I guess it is in real life as it is on television… No one in the world can find any reason to like Cris Collinsworth.
Ricky Williams is an interesting character. Somewhere in there, there’s a story to be told. So who would you like to see interview him tonight in primetime? A 97-year-old white man who hasn’t seen marijuana since the prohibition era. Tonight… on 60 minutes.
The Bears have dropped 31 first-half points on the Lions? What the hell is going on in Detroit? Was Wayne Fontes rehired this week? I wouldn’t have guessed that the Bears could score 31 points in 30 minutes on an empty practice field.
The Vikings are being violated by the Bengals. Every time I look at that game, the Bengals have the ball. I’m not entirely sure how the blame should be distributed in Minnesota, but is there any possible way that it would be bad for the Vikings if Mike Tice was fired before the weekend was out? They can’t even get the ball. How are they this bad?
There’s a lot of blowouts going on here today. The only game that I can see that’s close is the Bills/Bucs showdown, and it’s about as aesthetically pleasing as Janet Reno in a burlesque show.
I can actually see Daunte Culpepper getting worse as this game goes on. His regression is visible.
Willie Parker is heading for the endzone again. Phillip Buchanon sees him and makes a conscious decision to not tackle him. I’ve never seen a player puss out quite that obviously before. His teammates are screaming at him on the sidelines. If you’re a Texans fan, and you own a Buchanon jersey… you might want to burn it. Pretty embarrassing behavior.
And now it’s time for Daunte Culpepper’s 4th interception of the day. This one was a beauty. He was dropping back, felt some pressure, lofted the football to the flat like a woman in a slow-pitch softball league, without a Viking within 5 yards of it.
JP Losman, who appears to be going for the Inigo Montoya look, has been benched in favor of Kelly Holcomb. That’s not good.
And now it’s time for Daunte Culpepper’s 5th interception of the day. Some company in Minnesota should start sponsoring them on radio broadcasts. “And Daunte’s Culpepper’s 5th interception today is brought to you by Norm’s Auto Body. We’ll give you five percent off for every interception Daunte throws. That’s Norm’s Body Shop, on the corner of Misread Lane and Wounded Duck Avenue.”
The Panthers… actually, wait, I’m not done making fun of Daunte yet. If he really wants to do the world a favor, he’ll start donating $1,000 to the Katrina Relief Effort for every interception he throws. He could build a new damn Superdome by himself. You think Mike Tice is looking for Wade Wilson’s phone number? Jeff George is out there somewhere.
Alright. The Panthers sew things up against the Patriots and “Whoomp, There It Is” is blaring throughout the stadium. Say, what year is this? I guess that’s as much as you can ask for from a team in Nascar country. At least it isn’t Merle Haggard.
Danks, now a bitter and unhappy Patriots fan, refuses to call my brother to get an update on Jason Gore at the 84 Lumber Classic. My brother is a Steelers fan, and Danks thinks he would “say something fucked up, and make me want to drive up there and punch him. And then make love to him.” I spit water all over the table.
Jake Plummer, who couldn’t complete a pass last week to anyone that didn’t have a sea-dwelling mammal on their helmet, has started 7-of-8 against the Chargers, including going 3-of-3 on third down. Thanks, asshole.
For some reason, Olindo Mare’s kicking motion on a 21-yard attempt resembles Charles Barkley’s golf swing. It did not go in.
The Chargers go up 14-3 in Denver, which never ever happens. We have about as much success in Denver as Peyton Manning would as the special guest host of Yo! MTV Raps.
Reggie White’s number is being retired in Green Bay at halftime. Some huge guy is at midfield for the ceremony, wearing a Reggie White jersey. I speculate that it isn’t the real Reggie White, and I think I’m right. Anyway… emotional moment. I hope the afterlife is going well for Reggie, which I’m sure it is, provided that he isn’t stuck in a house with 57 Latino people.
I order a fish sandwich, which reminds me immediately of Warren Sapp’s mother.
Sorry about that. There will be no Smorgasbord this year without a cheap shot at Warren Sapp.
And for the Chargers, it’s an interception from starting safety Bhawoh Jue. MAZEL TOV, BITCH.
Danks and I have talked many times about the absurdity of the popular “defense” sign that consists of a “D” and a picture of a fence. Danks suggests that someone should at least mix it up and instead of the “D”, hold up a picture of Dee Brown. I take it a step further and recommend a picture of Dee Snider, along with the fence. If any of you can ever pull that off and get it on TV, I’ll let you have my website for a day.
I don’t like to mention fantasy football a lot here, but just one quick note. Our league consists of 11 males and 1 female. The female is our reigning champion, a fact that embarrasses me to no end. Someone mentions it, and I blurt out, directly in her face, “Our champion menstruates. That’s fucking great.”
By the way, I just noticed that there are a couple of three-year-old children at the table behind us. The kids are getting an education today.
Having given him the new nickname last week, Danks asks how Pittsburgh quarterback “Mr. September” played today. “You mean Dwayne Zachamore?” I ask.
The Gus Frerotte-for-MVP chatter has quieted a little bit this week. The Dolphins drive chart is about as uplifting as a Sylvia Plath novel. Punting seems to be the best thing they can hope for.
The more I watch this Packers/Browns game, the more I think that Kyle Orton is the best quarterback in the NFC North. Brett Favre might love to play football, he might be like a little kid out there, he might mow his own lawn, but he also kinda sucks. The Packers are going to lose to Cleveland in their own building, and it’s not all the defense’s fault. I’ve enjoyed Favre through the years as much as anyone else, but I’d also like to hear some accountability from America’s sweetheart right now.
More Favre: He’s flushed from the pocket, scrambles towards the sideline and lofts a little desperation floater to Robert Ferguson, who’s about six yards away. He misses Ferguson by about three yards in the direction opposite of where Ferguson is running. Favre then screams at Ferguson. No, it couldn’t possibly Brett’s fault. He loves to play the game, and he’s like a little kid out there. That’s what I heard, anyway.
Cardinals fans are throwing things on the field. I don’t know what kind of injustice could have taken place to make the people in Sun Devil stadium actually care about football. Chris speculates that they’re throwing things because it’s just too damn hot. “Why the hell aren’t we in a dome? (Dude chucks a bottle of water.) It’s too fucking hot! Sunscreen is expensive!”
Ron Dayne is in the game for the Broncos, and he’s picking up chunks of yardage on the ground. That can’t be a good sign for the Chargers defense. He’s treating us like we’re Northwestern. This is embarrassing. What’s next, can we give up a few yards to Maurice Clarett?
The unstoppable Steve Heiden gets loose for the Browns in Lambeau, and that will polish off the Packers, who could be looking at a very very long season. Trent Dilfer just went into Lambeau and put up All-Pro numbers. No word on whether or not he felt like a kid out there.
Jason Elam hits a last-second field goal to polish off the Chargers, who played an absolutely pathetic 2nd half. The Chargers in no way deserved to win this game, and I am now officially concerned. Our defense is porous and the running game isn’t moving like it should. The Giants game next week is a must-win game. It is also a must-attempt-to-seriously-injure-sock-chewin’-bitch-opposing-quarterback game.
After not seeing Crazy Fish Guy all day, I see him on our way out of the place. I don’t know how long he’s been here, but I slapped his shoulder on the way out and it felt like I touched God. However, I’m not sure if God wears glasses with the little welding-protection attachments on the sides in public. Crazy Fish guy does, though.