On Countdown, Chris Mortenson says that someone in the Chargers organization told Archie Manning, “don’t let your kid come here.” Mort says he’s not sure he believes it, but I do. I trust that the Chargers organization would have at least one member with the sensitivity and compassion to realize that the city of New York would have many more options and opportunities for Eli to explore his deviant homosexual lifestyle.

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Nate Burleson is out for the Vikings. How does this effect the over/under on Daunte Culpepper’s interception count? If I were a bookie, I’d set it at 2.5… and if I was betting on that, I’d take the under. They have to have made some kind of adjustment, right? Things just can’t go on as normal. If the Vikings come out and the offense looks the same as it has the past two weeks, Mike Tice should be spending the rest of their career as the assistant special teams coach for a flag football team in the Ohio Valley league.

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Ed Werder’s in Green Bay and reporting that Brett Favre “really got after his teammates in practice this week.” Does anyone in Green Bay watch film? Can they not see that Favre is as big a reason for their 0-2 record as is anyone else? His teammates should’ve responded by getting him alone in the locker room and doing him like the guy in Full Metal Jacket.

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Michael Irvin on Brett Favre’s struggles: “Father time is undefeated.”

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So, it’s Fall Family Weekend here at the local university. What this unfortunately means is that there are a lot of Eagles fans here today from the remarkably filthy South Philadelphia/New Jersey area. They’re also carding people at the door, which they never do, because of a few fights in the bar last night. I don’t believe for a second that there is no connection between the fights and the amount of Philly/Jersey people in town this weekend.

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The other effect that Fall Family Weekend has today is that I chuckle every time I see a mom and dad sitting down for lunch with their sweet innocent little daughter, ignoring the “what did I drink last night, and why am I so sore?” look on her face.

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Countdown is doing some kind of “Where are they now?” thing… You remember who made the stop on Kevin Dyson to secure a Super Bowl victory for the Rams? MIKE JONES. Who? MIKE JONES. He’s doing quite well for himself these days with Swishahouse Records.

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I think it’s time for me to exercise the seldom-used 2nd person. Alright. You’re Andy Reid. Your money kicker, arguably the best in the game, David Akers, has been hobbled with a hamstring problem. You know that the hamstring is a pretty vital body part for a kicker. Do you sign a backup kicker with your $12 million in cap room? You don’t. And then, when your kicker hurts himself on the opening kickoff and can barely walk, do you send him out there to kick it again when there’s an offside penalty? You do. And then, on attempt #2, when he goes down in a heap, are you thinking, “Maybe I could’ve handled that better?” You should be.

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On the third attempt (after another offside penalty), taken by some other Eagles douchebag, the ball rolls out of bounds after traveling about 20 yards. Just to recap, you end up giving the Raiders great field position and kicked the ball three times, one of which crippled your kicker. Well done.

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The Buffalo Bills come out throwing the ball on about every down, which is an odd decision considering that J.P. Losman started last week 1-of-7 for 6 yards. I’m no Mike Tice or anything, but that doesn’t seem like a good idea.

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The Bills, by the way, are back to the cornea-scarring atrocities that are their all-blue uniforms. The shade of blue is ugly. The stripes don’t match from the jersey to the pants. There hasn’t been anything this ugly in Buffalo since… well, alright, most people in Buffalo are pretty ugly. But if you’d like, Bruce Smith also works as a punchline right there. I’m considering a lawsuit against Paul Tagliabue for the damage that these uniforms continue to do to my eyes and my psyche.

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Surprising early scores from games I’m not seeing: Miami is up on Carolina, and the Vikings have 17 points. Have the officials decided to allow Daunte Culpepper a few “do-overs” today?

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Donovan McNabb rolls to his right and finds a wide open Warren Sapp in the flat. Considering that there’s about 80 Eagles fans here today, I’d love to root against them, but they’re playing the fucking Raiders. It just feels dirty… it would be like watching Shawshank and rooting for Boggs to rape Andy. Anyway, Warren Sapp got lucky that a ball ended up in his chest, and I know that someone on ESPN’s Primetime will be sucking him off for it tonight. He’s just not that good anymore.

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The Eagles are struggling with the Raiders early, and my man Doug, an Eagles fan, seems a little concerned. “Everyone has an off day,” I assure him. And he says, “Or, in the case of the Steelers, an off January.” Ouch.

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Chad Johnson scores for the Bengals and then proceeds to Riverdance in the endzone. That will go down as one of my favorite TD celebrations of all-time.

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Here’s something that’s bugging me. Why is it that every time a guy loses his helmet during a play, and then keeps playing, the commentators speak about him as if his bravery rivals that of William Wallace in Braveheart? I have never seen an NFL player lose his helmet, scream like a little girl, and then stop dead in his tracks and curl up in the fetal position, covering his place. Everyone keeps playing. It’s not that big of a deal.

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Kyle Orton: 3-of-8, 3 INTs. Hopefully, this will not do to his career what a similar effort against Wisconsin did to his senior year at Purdue.

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Orton drops back… there’s #4. Are we sure that this is Kyle under center, and not Cowboy Bob, of WWF fame?

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The Eagles go deep to Terrell Owens, and Charles Woodson breaks it up. Another Raider DB comes down to give Woodson a high-five, and T.O. steps in front of Woodson and high-fives the guy first.

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The Raiders meanwhile, are racking up penalties like like Tie Domi and Donald Brashear are their starting linebackers. I raise the possibility that the Raiders actually gameplan their penalties. “Alright guys, I really feel like this team’s safeties don’t have the lateral speed to play a Cover-2 real effectively. Also, I think they’re very susceptible to holds, so just hold someone any chance you get. And in 2nd-down-and-short situations, try a facemask. 15-yarder, perhaps.”

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Fox has a stat showing the quarterbacks in the NFL who have been sacked the most times per play this year. Two of the top four are Cardinals.

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Wow, Daunte Culpepper has 3 TDs in the first half. The Saints defensive coordinator has to be a little embarrassed right now.

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Cybil Shepherd is starring the CBS movie about Martha Stewart and her prison stay. That’s gotta be a dream role for Cybil. I wonder who’s directing that one, Scorsese or Coppolla? Anyway, if you’re watching it, and you’re either male or under 70 years old, some therapy may be in order.

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Kyle Orton racks up INT #5. Did someone play a joke on him and tell him he got a bonus if he caught Daunte Culpepper in interceptions? Remember what I said last week about him being the best QB in the NFC North? Nevermind. His QB rating, by the way, is 1.0.

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Nice stat from CBS: The last time the Bengals went 3-0, gas was $1.09 per gallon, and the nation’s top song was Madonna’s “Vogue.”

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Doug, the afore-mentioned Eagles fan, and someone that I’m often embarrassed to call my friend, contends that Brian Westbrook is one of the Top 5 offensive players in football. After much discussion, sanity-questioning, and name calling, he concedes that he may be wrong, but that he’s definitely Top 7.

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The Raiders, as the game nears its end, manage to tie it up. The Eagles will have 2 minutes plus to go down the field and score, but keep in mind, their kicker has all the leg strength of Larry King right now.

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Before that game ends, though, the Steelers/Patriots game gets underway. Danks, of course, is a big Patriots fan, while nearly everyone else in the building loves the Steelers. I don’t think there’s the real possibility of any violence or anything, but one woman does frighten me. She’s sitting behind Danks, she’s wearing a Roethlisberger jersey, and she’s very… Pittsburgh-ish. Looking at her from behind, I thought she was a dude. I think she just ordered a glass of grain alcohol and a straw. If anyone’s going to murder Danks today, it’s going to be her.

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Alright, I gotta say this. Warren Sapp’s been fairly effective today. He’s gotten to McNabb a couple of times. That, however, does not keep me from believing that for fun at Christmas time, he likes to walk around to public manger sets and punt all the little baby Jesus dolls.

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The Pats open up the game with a pretty easy touchdown drive against the Steelers. Of course, the Titans did the same in Week 1.

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Jimmy Smith is amazing. The play he made to score the TD and win the game… that was unbelievable. That play was 100% about balls and the will to win. The are other receivers, of course, who are stronger, faster, more explosive, and much much younger… but I don’t know if anyone else was getting that ball across the goal line.

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The Eagles get down inside the 10, and here comes Akers… like Willis Reed hobbling out of the locker room, except he’s a kicker. He makes it, of course, and then cries. Quite the drama queen is David Akers. I guess he really wanted to be on SportsCenter tonight.

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From a Steelers fan behind me, who I believe was trying to talk shit to the Patriots. “You’re a visitor, and you don’t want to be a visitor today.” I’m glad he didn’t go public with that before the game… that’s great bulletin-board material for the Pats.

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The Dallas kicker misses an extra point. I’m sad to learn that it’s Jose Cortez and not Billy Cundiff, because I really wanted to change the 4th-letter of his last name for a few paragraphs. Anyway, Larry Allen physically slaps around Cortez for missing the kick. And I don’t blame him… Larry Allen has retired seven times. He didn’t stick around to watch some jag-off World League kicker blow extra point attempts.

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Anquan Boldin is wide open on a deep post. There isn’t a Seahawk within 20 yards of him in any direction. Warner makes the throw, right at his numbers, and Boldin, for some reason, leaps to make the catch. It was completely unnecessary, and he fell down, and cost himself six points.

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Antwan Randle-El catches a long pass, and decides to try a lateral to an unsuspecting Hines Ward. Just a silly play, and it costs them a chance in the red zone. There was no way that Hines Ward could have been expecting that to happen, and yet, quite a few Steelers fans are blaming him for the play. Doug remarks that ‘Twan has seen that Burger King commercial too many times.

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A Pats O-lineman gets carted off, and Tom Brady is down to 4 layers of protection.

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I’m not paying much attention to the game, but the 49ers are putting up some serious points against the Cowboys. I’m not sure how it’s happening, but finding #31 in blue and throwing it over his head had to be a big part of the 49ers gameplan today.

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Danks, while calling Ben Roethlisberger a pussy on nearly every other play, is getting the stare of death from the lovely Pittsburgh woman behind him. Chris makes him aware of this, and Danks says, “If she swings, I’ll sue.”

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An odd first-half for the Pats and Steelers. The Pats had a couple of red-zone turnovers to match the bizarre Randle-El lateral… just some odd stuff. It’s 10-7.

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In the 3rd quarter, tension is building between Danks and Chris. There’s a certain point at which it goes from friendly trash-talk to some slightly more serious antagonism, and we’ve passed that point here. Danks is talking about 3 rings and calling Ben Roethlisberger “Mr. September,” and Chris is coming up with reasons why every single member of the Patriots organization is a pussy. He’s even hoping that Rodney Harrison is out for the year. It’s jumped up a notch.

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Doug, on David Akers: “The Eagles are secure, masculine men. We can cry when we want to.”

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It seems like there’s a long period of inactivity in the Steelers/Pats game. The only interesting thing that’s happened in a while is that I’ve noticed the highlights in Ben Roethlisberger’s hair. I’ve decided that it’s either a sad attempt to get back Natalie Gulbis, or he’s trying to fill the gay quarterback void that’s existed in Pittsburgh since Kordell Stewart left.

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Alright, that was wrong. Kordell isn’t gay. Kinda gay-ish, though, you’d have to admit.

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The Pats are exploiting the Steelers blitz, big-time. They’re coming hard, fast, and on nearly every play. The Pats have figured out how to beat it with screen passes, too.

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The Seneca Wallace/Peter Warrick combination that everyone’s been talking about in Seattle finally hooks up for a long pass play. I see Montana/Rice potential there.

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The Steelers have 1:58 on the clock, are inside the Pats 30, and have 3 timeouts. They are down seven. There’s just enough time for them to score, tie it up, and then be beaten by a Vinatieri field goal.

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After a drop by Randle-El, who will not be adding this game to his personal highlight reel, the Steelers have a 4th-and-11.

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And they get a pass interference call on the 1. There was contact there, and yes, by the book, it probably was interference, but… it wasn’t a lot of contact, probably not enough to justify making a potentially outcome-changing call. I don’t know. It’s borderline. If it was Dick Bavetta, he’s not going to be blowing his whistle right there.

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And the Steelers get their TD. And then the Patriots get their field goal. Tough loss. Pretty great game, though, especially for Week 3. Tom Brady was 12-of-12 for 168 yards in the 4th quarter.

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Just a few quick thoughts about the Chargers/Giants game, since I’m writing this after its conclusion, while I have to be awake in just a few hours. I was surprised to see how much I didn’t hate Eli Manning. Right now, at 0-2, with the Pats (fuck you, Danks, we’re beating you, and then I’m going to sleep with your girlfriend), Steelers, and Eagles in our next four, we just had to win tonight. It was all about the W. And Eli played well. I’ve got to hand it to the sock-chewin’ ass bitch, he’s turning into a pretty good quarterback. Not good enough to even come close to beating the Chargers, however. Still, if the Chargers pass D doesn’t start to come together quickly, the Bolts are in trouble.