I think Tom Jackson broke into Michael Irvin’s closet this morning. He’s wearing a black pinstripe suit that I believe is made party of aluminum. TJ doesn’t usually get that flashy. It also amuses me how he gets a pissed off look on his face every time Michael Irvin even opens his mouth to speak.

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I’m outnumbered like 30-1 by Ravens fans. If Nate was here this week, there would be a very high probability of a confrontation of some kind. But things should be fine when we’re up 28-0 in the 2nd quarter, and they’re all wondering when exactly Ray Lewis lost his 2nd and 3rd step.

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Watching this commercial, I can honestly tell you that I’ve seen seen a more natural on-screen combination put together than Reggie Bush and Jon Lovitz. It’s like they were born to appear on-screen together. They should do a buddy-cop movie.

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Joe Horn is taking oxygen. The game hasn’t started yet. I don’t think that’s a good sign.

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The Chargers open the game with a beautiful touchdown drive, and I’m pretty sure that we’re the best first-drive team in the NFL. Seriously. This is where we peak. Phil Rivers was brilliant, the drive culminating with a touchdown pass to the little-known Malcom Floyd.

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For every Ray Lewis highlight you see, he misses a tackle where he just puts his shoulder into a guy, doesn’t wrap up, and lets him get away. And then he’ll get up and act like he was wronged somehow.

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Michael Vick cracks off a beautiful 30 yard run when any other quarterback would’ve been dead to rights. I know he’s not a great passer… or even a good one. But that 30 yards is as good as 3-for-3 for 30 yards from any other QB. In fact, it’s better, because it frustrates the hell out of the defense and wears them out, too.

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I’ll go on record as saying that Terrell Owens vs. Pac Man Jones is the most emotionally unstable one-on-one matchup in NFL history. I’d have loved to hear their pre-game conversation:

Owens: Hey Pac, how you doin’?
Jones: Not too good, man.
Owens: Yeah, me neither.

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Steve Smith catches a touchdown pass… and follows it up with no discernable celebration. This is fucking sad. We’re in Week 4, and we haven’t had one single memorable touchdown celebration. Eat cock, Paul Tagliabue.

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The only reason that last Vince Young pass wasn’t intercepted was because the four Cowboys that had their hands on it couldn’t decide which one was going to intercept it.

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Pam Oliver is wearing some kind of a Little House on the Prairie outfit. She better get out of there at halftime so she can go tend to her sheep. And on a related note, I’ve never wanted to do Pam Ward more than I have right now.

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Terry Glenn is not fucking around this week. This is is his “Hey, remember me? Yeah, I have no severe emotional problems, and I’m going to outproduce that big son of a bitch” performance. He has 2 TDs already.

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Of course, I should also note that Terrell Owens’ very presence on the field makes it possible for Terry Glenn to operate like that. He can not catch a ball and have a very big effect on the outcome of this game.

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We’re discussing the newer, tighter referee shirts, and The Greek is pretty sure that they were Ed Hochuli’s idea. I disagree, because if Ed Hochuli was involved in this decision making process at all, the refs would be out there with no shirt. Before every game, Ed would just shave his chest, and paint a black “85″ on it.

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Tennessee/Miami is 3-3 as it approaches halftime. If I was a Miami fan, I would be absolutely demanding the start of the Joey Harrington era. I don’t even know what Daunte’s #s are right now, but these are the Texans, man. If you can’t score on the Texans, you just can’t score.

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Michael Turner is a bad, bad man. He always comes in and immediately puts up a big gain. The one had the added bonus of featuring a nice stiff arm on Ray Lewis that left him grabbing air.

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Terrell Owens drops a pass in the endzone, and Kim Etheridge immeidately calls 911 because that’s not typical behavior from Terrell Owens. She then called a press conference to announce that the drop was a big misunderstanding, the referees were lying when they said he dropped it, and that Terrell Owens has 25 million reasons to be alive, which is way more than you do, so kill yourself.

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Rushing yards right now: Atlanta 126, Arizona 2.

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Albert Haynesworth is going off on a ref for some reason… helmet off, just screaming at him. I don’t know why, exactly… but he’s very adamant about something. Oh, here’s the replay… HOLY FUCK. Albert Haynesworth just looked down at the ground, saw a dude with his helmet off… and then stomped on his fucking face. That’s… I mean, nice people don’t do that. That is criminal assault. I don’t think a year-long ban would be too much for that. Intentional, blatant, senseless… there was no question about intent there. That served no purpose other than to injure a man. You can’t have that. Rest of the year. I think that’s fair.

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It’s the 4th week into the season, and it’s the 4th different waitress we’ve had. It’s hard to establish any continuity like that… I can’t pick a waitress to pretend is my girlfriend if they’re going to keep switching it up like this. Maybe it’s for the best. When it comes to pretending that waitresses are my girlfriend, it’s better to play the field… just like the playa I am. Holla.

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Alright, why is there another Scarface DVD coming out? Just a year or two ago, I bought some kind of remastered edition… what the fuck is this thing? Does it come with an 8-ball or something? If there’s something new on this Scarface DVD, I think they owe it to me for free. This is bullshit.

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Hey, Vince Young has a touchdown before Reggie Bush does. I’m at least paying attention to the Titans now, which, in my opinion, is enough of a reason for him to be starting.

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Lorenzo Neal gets loose on a screen pass, and is rumbling along in the open field… he seems confused by the idea of being in space. He’s running down the field, and there’s a big defensive tackle chasing him. The guy’s about a yard behind him, and Lo Neal takes a step out of his way to go back and hit this guy. Here’s a sampling of his internal dialogue during that run:

Good Lo: Hey, we’re running. This is fun. Let’s get some yards.
Bad Lo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHH.
Good Lo: Calm down. We’re doing good. Relax and have fun.
Bad Lo: I WANNA FUCKING HIT SOMEBODY. ARRRRGHHHH.
Good Lo: Oh dear.
Bad Lo:: NUMBER NINETY-TWO! I’M GONNA KILL HIM. DIE, MOTHERFUCKER, DIE MOTHERFUCKER, KILL.
Good Lo:: But he’s not even in your way. He can’t tackle you. You’re in front of him, and he’s slower than you. Let’s just–
Bad Lo: FUCK HIM.

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DeAngelo Hall takes a Kurt Warner interception to the house, and then breaks out the Deion Sanders touchdown dance as an homage. That’s probably the best TD celebration of the year to this point. Maybe not, I dunno… I was always fond of Deion’s steps. But still, that’s more of a statement condemning the lack of brilliant touchdown celebrations this year.

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This may not be news to you, but Bart Scott of the Ravens is a pretty good linebacker.

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It’s now 10-6, Houston over Miami. How do you think Daunte Culpepper will react to backing up Brady Quinn next year? Unless, of course, Joey Harrington has that #2 spot locked up. Which would make Daunte #3… you know, it might be best for him to just learn how to punt.

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A political ad for Ed Rendell comes on, an ad in which he smears Lynn Swann for some reason or another. Those two are running for some kind of office in Pennsylvania, and I think Swann is getting killed in the polls. My attempt to start an “ED REN-DELL” chant fails.

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Edgerrin James: 16 carries, 25 yards.

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Kurt Warner is distributing the football like it’s the word of Christ. He doesn’t care where it goes exactly, but he is damn sure going to put it out there. We’re going to see Matt Leinart before too long.

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Oh, and here he comes, right on cue. And he promptly fumbles the ball away. Okay. Maybe it’s time for Dennis Green to address a problem outside of the quarterback position.

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DeShaun Foster is averaging less than 2 yards per carry today to this point. DeAngelo Williams has 3 carries for 43 yards. DeShaun Foster remains your starter.

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And Vince Young Plummers a pass for a Cowboys TD. Plummer is a new verb, by the way… it means to throw a pass that was completely unnecessary and has almost no benefit that ends up in the hands of a defender and results in a touchdown for the defense. To be successful, Vince Young must limit his Plummering.

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The Chargers take an intentional safety with 3:00 to play, leaving them up by four points, and needing to just keep the Ravens out of the endzone for the win.

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Whoa… Steve McNair just displayed some wheels that I thought had left him long ago. Nice of him to regain mobility against the Chargers, in their territory, with less than two minutes to play, in need of a touchdown.

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Todd Heap… ah, fuck. We completely left a win on the table. It was there. It was right fucking there. Mistakes, penalties… Just fuck. There’s no way we aren’t better than the Ravens.

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Again, fuck.

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There are times, like now, when I’m surrounded by Redskins fans who just don’t care how rude they are, where they are, who they’re bothering… that I wish I could just completely cut ties with the football fans of the world.

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Oh, awesome… Browns vs. Ravens is on. You can throw out your goddamn television when these two teams get together.

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You know what’s awesome? A room full of Redskins fans mimicking Chris Berman’s “Woop!” on a long touchdown run. Really. Can’t get enough of that.

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Todd Grantham, the Browns defensive coordinator… his nipples are erect. You’re not going to find that in Peter King’s MMQB.

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There’s a kid holding the sign at the Redskins game that says something about his 9th birthday, and then, underneath it, “Cick Butt Skins.” It is my firm belief that the basic rules of spelling and grammar are not worth sacrificing to get your kid on television for an eighth of a second, and if you’re one of this child’s parents, and you happen to be reading… you’re failing your child.

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CBS is showing a Raiders fan yelling at something, and he has to lift up his plastic Darth Vader mask to speak. I find that terribly amusing.

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Maurice Jones Drew… that guy is no joke. He looks extremely quick, without sacrificing power… and he’s got a fantastic set of initials.

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Alright, you got me. I’m him.

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New England is up 7-6, and the Bengals are having trouble stopping the New England ground attack. I predicted an easy win for the Bengals today, and in typical Patriot fashion, they’re going to make me look like a chump. This is a very Patriot thing to do. Everyone counts them out and leaves them for dead… and then they come out and beat the ass of one of the league’s best teams.

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Every time I look at the St. Louis/Detroit game… Mike Furrey’s making a play. It’s the Mike Furrey show in Detroit.

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Speaking of that game (a game to which I am paying almost no attention), there’s a Lions player down, and he’s not moving. He’s on a stretcher now, being hauled off, and every part of his body is motionless. We’re not getting the cursory “thumbs up” on this one.
Note: He would later regain movement in his arms and legs at the hospital, but other than that, I don’t know what kind of condition he’s in.

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The Raiders are somehow up 21-3, and if that score holds… Cleveland should just ask to be released from the National Football League. If the Raiders beat you by double digits, you might have a shot at going .500 in the CFL.

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Reche Caldwell gets absolutely hammered in what’s probably the hit of the week. His head snapped back and bounced off the ground like someone was dribbling it. If his eyes weren’t huge before, they certainly will be now.

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Alright, it’s clear that the Redskins fans here are going to be a problem, so let me just say this now: I am aware that there are perfectly nice, pleasant, reasonable Redskins fans out there… but none of them are here today. It’s like in Scarface, where Cuba sent the worst of their criminals to America, just to get rid of them. It’s like someone from the DC/Maryland/Virginia area has gathered up the worst of all Redskins fans and sent them to this bar today. They’re standing up and screaming, blocking the TVs for everyone, on every single five-yard gain. I’ve never seen a group of fans behave like this. I mean, it’s great to get excited, but they’re doing it just for the sake of doing it. They’re acting like they’re in their own homes and no one else is around them. I’d be willing to wager that there’s more than one date-rapist in the group, too.

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The Greek has, to this point, been keeping an eye on Chris Cooley’s performance, for fantasy reasons. He makes one catch for about eight yards, sending the Redskins fans into hysterics. The Greek says, “I hope he breaks his leg. I don’t care about my fantasy team, but because of these fuckers, I want that pussy to break his leg. Right. Now.”

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Laurence Maroney is a beast today. He busts through the Bengals defense to make it 21-13 Pats. Madieu Williams just got a vicious stiff arm. You know, it probably feels really good to apply a good stiff-arm to someone. I might try that at the mall tomorrow.

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I think Shane Lechler might be Oakland’s leading tackler today. My man Dirty suggests that they start him at middle linebacker. And make him the emergency quarterback. And the defensive coordinator.

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The Redskins score a touchdown with 12:30 to play in the 4th quarter… and you’d think these people just won the fucking lottery and the Super Bowl at the same time. They are literally jumping up and down. If you’re a grown man, how many things could really happen to you that would make you want to physically jump up and down? There aren’t many… and a Week 4 win against anyone should not be one of them. I’ve never seen any group of fans act like this in here, not even for playoff games.

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And it’s not even true emotion that they’re showing. I think this is important to note. None of these people care about their team anymore than anyone else… in fact, the opposite is probably true. These are just arrogant frat boy douchebags who get off on feeling like they own the place and that they’re the only people in here. This is not sincere celebration, these are people that just want to be noticed and appreciated for the great, great, fans they are. Half of them still think LaVar Arrington’s starting at outside linebacker.

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And now they start a “We Want Dallas” chant. What the… I mean, you just played them. They just beat your ass seven days ago. That is dumb on multiple levels. They haven’t even beaten Jacksonville yet. Thankfully, a guy in a power blue Aikman jersey gets up and starts interjecting “Last Week!” in between their “We Want Dallas” yells.

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Reggie Williams makes an outstanding touchdown catch to get Jacksonville within three. In fact, it was his 2nd brilliant catch of the drive, earlier hauling in a one-hander around midfield, and now getting drilled by two Redskins in the endzone, havinghis helmet knocked off, and holding onto the ball for the score. Enjoying his rare time on the field where he’s allowed to have his helmet off, he sits in the endzone, just doing an exaggerated nod, his dreads flopping back and forth.

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When the game comes back from commercial, Reggie Williams is on the sidelines, still doing the exaggerated nod. His neck has to be getting tired.

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New England is now laying wood… It’s 31-13. New England… I dunno. Reche Caldwell, Doug Gabriel, 9 starters on defense over the age of 45… they’ll probably win the damn Super Bowl. I don’t know what to tell you.

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Deon Grant picks up a Redskins fumble, and (before his return was nullified by a penalty) takes it into the endzone. Then he and a teammate pick up an additional 15-yard penalty for leanin’ wit it and rockin’ wit it. If this was a touchdown, and that didn’t get flagged… it would probably be my favorite touchdown celebration of the year.

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Dirty: “Shane Lechler’s in at left guard now.”

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Redskins fans are starting to turn on one another. A group of older guys behind us are screaming at the guys in front to sit the fuck down. And you know, as high as the douchebag quotient is in here right now, I have to admit I’m enjoying myself. These guys, by being such huge dickheads, have made it a lot of fun to root for Jacksonville.

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The Greek: “This guy back here’s pissed off at me. I’m gonna keep twisting the knife.”

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Skins fans are now complaining about an official’s spot. I actually didn’t even see the play, but we’re all applauding the call and complimenting the officials on their fine work. Some guy looks at us and goes, “Yeah, it’s good that you don’t know anything about football.” I chuckle. An instant replay challenge upheld the call and showed that the officials made the perfect spot.

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4th and 8 for the Jags here, as they attempt to drive for the winning touchdown. Some Skins fan goes, “This could be the season.” By the way, it’s October.

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One guy in particular now just will not sit the fuck down. No fewer than a dozen people are screaming at him, absolutely screaming at this guy to sit down. He’s completely oblivious. Doesn’t even phase him. He’s basically standing there and posing before and after he does a shot. That’s really cool that you’re drinking, man. It’s very rare for me to see someone so cool that they can do a shot. It’s breathtaking, really. The Greek gets up and taps the guy on the shoulder, and asks him to sit down. He says, “I’ll sit down in a minute.”

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That was a lie, evidently. There aren’t even any bouncers working, but various bar employees have to come over and get the guy to sit down. Even worse, the manager now has to calm down the people who are screaming “SIT THE FUCK DOWN” at this guy. Dirty’s screaming, “KICK THE DOUCHEBAG OUT. KICK THE DOUCHEBAG OUT.” He looks over. “YEAH, I’M TALKING TO YOU, DOUCHEBAG.”

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It is intense in here.

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And the Redskins win on a long Santana Moss play early in overtime. I’m kind of sad to see it end so early, and definitely disappointed that the Redskins won. To wit, there are now people in front of the television, hugging each other while jumping up and down. There are people literally standing on chairs. I have never seen anything like this. This is a Steelers bar, and I’ve been in here when the Steelers have won AFC Championship games, and the Steelers fans didn’t even come close to acting like these people. Again, I remind you… it’s October. It’s their second win of the year. And it came against a non-conference opponent.

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I gotta get out of here… my head is pounding, and I need to watch some PBS or something to counterbalance what I’ve witnessed here over the past few hours.

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