Michael Irvin are Mike Ditka are debating the best team in the NFC, with Irvin arguing for the Cowboys and Ditka arguing for the Bears (ya don’t say). And if this was being scored by a college debate judge… Irvin would be killing him. That’s not something you want to put on your resume, Coach. It’s not even about who’s right or wrong, Irvin’s saying things like, “The Bears secondary isn’t as good as you think.” Heâ€™s making actual points. And Ditka is responding by saying things like, “All wide receivers are delusional.” He’s just relying on tough-guy coach cliches. I hate him.
The waitresses this week… they might not provide the best service, they might not necessarily be the best-looking… but today, we are looking at the All-Titty team. It’s like I’m at a child’s birthday party, and there are balloons floating around everywhere. This is a very deep and talented cast that theyâ€™ve assembled.
You know that song that Chris Berman always sings when he does a Marc Bulger highlight? I don’t get it. I don’t even know what the hell he’s doing.
And the Titans have opened up the game against the Colts by running the ball into their cornholes for a long touchdown driveâ€¦ 7 plays, 88 yards, entirely on the ground. LenDale White was picking up yards, Travis Henry was picking up yards… and the drive was finished by a beautiful Vince Young touchdown run. They’re using that WVU “spread option” offense that’s so popular these days.
So if I understand it correctly from the 19 times I’ve already seen this commercial… if I buy a Volkswagon, I get a free guitar that I can plug directly into the car’s stereo? Is that what they’re offering here? That’s awesome, because just this morning, I was at a stoplight, and I was thinking, “I could make this 25 seconds pass a lot faster if I could plug a fucking guitar into my stereo and play some Freebird.” I don’t know who it is that’s in the market for a car and saying to themselves, “Yeah, I like the Honda better, but… I mean, the guitar/stereo functionality is a dealbreaker for me. I canâ€™t own a car that doesnâ€™t let me plug in my axe.”
And Bruce Gradkowski says, “Fuck you and your weak-ass spleen.” He hits Joey Galloway for a touchdown pass for the Bucs, and Bruce Gradkowski has already exceeded expectations. By a lot. 7-0, Bucs lead the Saints.
I hate to be that guy, but… my primary focus right now is not getting caught ogling jubblies. I don’t even do this. What my eyes are doing is completely involuntary. There’s one pair in particular that… they pass by, and my eyes just go there. Itâ€™s likeâ€¦ if youâ€™re in Tanzania, you look at Mt. Kilimanjaro, because itâ€™s there. Itâ€™s just what happens, and nature has made it so, not me.
Redskins fans, I’m happy to report, are much better-behaved this week. No one has stood up yet… and it’s not just because the Redskins haven’t done anything yet, because last week, all it took was a four-yard gain and five or six douchebags would be up out of their seat. This week’s a much bigger game for them, against a division rival, and they’re acting like librarians. You figure it out.
Peyton Manning is again off to a slow start… what’s with him and the poor first halves this year? And I haven’t heard Marvin Harrison’s name, either. These are the Titans, for God’s sake… what’s happening?
Speaking of guys I haven’t seen and names I haven’t heard… LaVar Arrington. Actually, let me correct that. I’ve heard his name, because Dick Stockton and Moose Johnston are riding his jock. But I haven’t seen him actually make a play.
Dominic Rhodes coughs up a fumble, and the Titans recover. It could happen. Believe, Titansâ€¦ believe.
Their impending drive features more ass-pounding of the Colts on the ground, but the drive does eventually stall inside the five. Rob Bironas comes on to make the field goal, and it’s 10-0 Titans.
I have named the spectacular jubblies that are bouncing around. The right one is Monique, and the left one is Unique. Monique blushes when I look at her.
Keyshawn Johnson hauls in a touchdown pass for the Panthers. He then gives the ball a Panthers fan in the endzone; a young lady who’s wearing fake whiskers and little blue panther ears, or a bow in her hair or something… I just wonder if Keyshawn’s expecting something in return for that. I can’t think of any other reason to give her the football. I dunno. I mean, she’s OK. She’s in the “Yeah, I would, but Keyshawn Johnson should probably aim higher” range. Iâ€™d like to see this addressed in the postgame report.
Andrea Kremer: Guys, I just overheard Keyshawn Johnson talking to the girl in the stands, and he asked her to come to his hotel room, and she said, quote, â€˜Iâ€™m not like that!â€™ But she then smiled and giggled and told Keyshawn, and again I quote, â€˜Give me the key and Iâ€™ll think about it.â€™â€ Back to you guys..
The Bills pass defense was statistically one of the league’s best coming into this game, and Rex Grossman is just having his way with them. Rex Grossman is one of the league’s best quarterbacks, right this second. He’s a member of that group right behind Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. Maybe heâ€™s not Carson Palmer, maybe heâ€™s not Donovan McNabbâ€¦ but heâ€™s in that group.
At halftime, Joey Harrington is leading all quarterbacks in yardage. If the Dolphins even come close to beating the Patriots in this game, there should be a quarterback controversy in Miami. I don’t think there will be, as I think Saban will hand the job right back to Culpepper when he’s healthy. But I think there should be.
Fox is making a big deal about the return of Jillian Barberie to the pre-game show next week. I can feel the warmth from Terry Bradshaw’s erection from here.
I just wanted to apologize for making you think about Terry Bradshaw’s erection. And Terry, if you’re reading, I apologize for making you long for the days when you could achieve erection.
Brandon Jacobs is getting some carries in the Giants/Redskins game… and that man is a punisher. No one ever tackles Brandon Jacobs, and then says, “Yeah, I’m glad I did that.” If you attempt to tackle that guy, you’re essentially signing up to feel pain. My buddy Juice reports that Sean Taylor purposefully avoided contact with him.
Dominic Rhodes got the bulk of the carries for the Colts in the first half… and now it seems like Joseph Addai is the guy in the second half. Is that how the Colts are handling this? If so, it might not be a bad idea. Both guys get their work, neither of them takes too much of a beating, and the offense is allowed to establish some continuity with each guy. I dunno. I’m just speculating. Rhodes could very well be back for a lot of action in the second half.
Halfway through the third quarter of this game… I hadn’t seen Marvin Harrison one time. I don’t think he even had a catch to this point. And then Pac Man Jones gets hurt… nothing too serious, but the game stopped for him, and he does have to sit out a play. Next snap, Peyton Manning to Marvin Harrison, boom, touchdown. I can’t say for sure that Pac Man was doing a great job on Marvin Harrison all-day long, mainly because I hadn’t seen either one of them… that ball just wasn’t going that way. But it’s a pretty big coincidence that as soon as Pac Man sits, Peyton’s looking for Marvin, and scoring.
A Redskins defensive tackle makes a nice play to stuff Tiki Barber at the line of scrimmage, and a ‘Skins linebacker comes in to help finish off the play, and ends up accidentally hitting the D-Lineman. Tony Siragusa chastises him for it, saying, “These defensive linemen are working hard, out there for fifteen straight plays… you gotta lay off those guys.” Like he did it on purpose. “Yeah, I think it’s a really poor idea for the Reskins defense to have their linebackers hitting their defensive linemen. They should take that right out of the playbook. It doesnâ€™t work for them in this particular game.”
The next four weeks for the Bears: Cardinals, Bye, 49ers, Dolphins. Or, in other words, Bye, Bye, Bye, Bye. I don’t know who it is in the Bears organization that gave a handjob to the NFL’s schedule makers… but I think it was Refrigerator Perry.
Giants defensive tackle Fred Robbins records a sack… then gets up, does a dribble crossover move, and then puts up a jumpshot. Very nice. Decent form on the jumper, too. So far, that’s second only to the Jags d-backs “Lean Wit It, Rock Wit It” celebration. Actually, that celebration earned them a 15-yard penalty… and the play was actually called back on another penalty… so I guess Fred Robbins should probably be #1. Oh, how standards have fallen.
Alright, I just saw an extremely hot woman in a Browns Jeff Garcia jersey. I couldn’t begin to explain why, but the fine trim of the world evidently has a thing for Jeff Garcia. I need to get Terrell Owens to call me gay.
The “FireCoachFisher.com” website was just shown on the air during the Titans/Colts game… and hey, good for them, but… never has such an ugly and hastily thrown-together website gotten so much exposure. Those t-shirts they’re trying to sell could have been designed by any grade schooler. I mean, hey, do you thing, make some money, whatever… but that’s not a worthwhile site.
Charlie Frye’s facial hair configuration is not something that should ever appear on a professional quarterback. He has a thin, wispy mustache, and then a patch of hair on his chin. They don’t connect in any way. That’s not going to cut it in the NFL, Charles.
Getting pretty late in this game now, the Redskins are trailing 16-3, and honestly, I’m finding it a little disappointing. Just for the sake of a more exciting NFL, I was hoping that they were starting to find their groove a little bit in that Al Saunders (I heard he has a 700-page playbook) offense. Clearly, they are not.
By the way, just out of curiosity… will Jeremy Shockey or Tiki Barber be telling the media that the Giants outcoached the Redskins this week?
And fuck. The Colts take the lead… and in situations like that, where a heavy favorite finally comes back and assumes the lead, they don’t often look back. Valiant effort, Titans.
Perhaps I was a bit hasty there. The Titans take the ensuing kickoff out to the Colts 45 (what up, Billy Dee) yard-line. We need Vince Young to make a play here… he drops back, he throws, and… the Colt defender who dove to make that interception ended up just knocking it away from the Colt who was standing there to field it like a punt. Yikes.
So with 3:41 to play, the Titans have the ball inside Colts territory, and they trail by one. The Colts offense moved the ball with relative ease on their last drive. The Titans are opting to punt here. I think that’s a bad call. Even if they hold the Colts to a three-and-out, which is pretty much a pipedream, they’re still probably going to get the ball back somewhere in their own territory. They had the field position, theyâ€™re probably not going to get it again… take a shot there on 4th down. Punting there pretty much ensures a loss.
I know that it’s just me falling for the bullshit hype machine, but… I’m legitimately excited for this Cowboys/Eagles game. I want–nay, I need–something insane to happen. I want either a remarkable, record-book performance from Terrell Owens, or I want him to end up in a heap on the sidelines, crying about something… either Drew Bledsoe punching him in the mouth, or the shower of batteries that he’s underneath.
Matt Leinart is on fire… very early in this game, he already has two touchdown passes. Maybe the move to Leinart was a little overdue. Of course… with that offensive line, he’ll still probably get buried five or six times today.
It’s 10-0 Eagles already… and I didn’t know this, but there are actually players in this game not named Terrell Owens. People with strange names like “Brian Westbrook,” and “Roy Williams,” and “Donovan McNabb.”
Randy Moss is open in the endzone, and Andrew Walters, from 40 yards away, hits him in the hands… and the pass is dropped. It hit Moss in the hands, it hit him in the chest… it just couldn’t be thrown any better. I really believe that part of the reason Moss dropped that was sheer surprise that a pass got to him, and in a position where he could get it.
Randy Moss’s internal monologue: “Alright, fine. People are saying Randy Moss doesn’t care… Watch this. I’m going to run this route hard, and I’m going to get open, and watch this prick miss me. Here, look… cut, sprint, fake, wide open… hey. Whoa, look at th–AHH, fuck. Dammit. Hey, you know what, pal? I’m Randy Moss, and half the people in this stadium don’t know your name, and if you can prove that you can not suck for three or four plays in a row, then I’ll start catching them. Until then, you can shut the fuck up. Asshole.”
As long as Raiders defensive coordinator Rob Ryan is in the league… I vote that we stop saying that Bill Belichick looks like a homeless guy. I never really understood that anyway. Why does Belichick look homeless, because he’s wearing a gray hooded sweatshirt? Meanwhile, this Rob Ryan guy is wearing a t-shirt, and his hair hasn’t seen a comb or shampoo in about three weeks. Belichick makes this guy look like Hansel.
DeMarcus Ware picks up a fumble and is on his way to the house… LJ Smith’s “gentle shove” approach to tackling proves to be ineffective. DeMarcus Ware can haul, I’m not sure if Smith could’ve caught him… but Smith has to do a little more in that situation than just shove him and call him a jerk.
I haven’t really been watching much of this Jets/Jags game… I turn my head, and the Jags are up 28-0. That’s all I can really tell you.
There’s a guy here today wearing a Terrell Owens Eagles jersey. I don’t know what to make of it. There’s a chance that he’s being ironic, and making a brilliant satirical statement about the importance we’ve all placed on this game. Of course, there’s also a chance that he just can’t afford to buy a new damn jersey every year and is saying, “Fuck it. I paid for it, I’m going to wear it, and if you don’t like it, I don’t give a fuck.” Either way, this guy’s all right with me.
With 14:16 to play in the third quarter… Terrell Owens makes his first catch. And this game is going to be exactly what I feared: a totally non-remarkable performance from Terrell Owens, and no Eagles fans doing anything particularly crazy. I don’t even recall seeing any good signs.
And just to be clear on this: Eagles fans are pussing out. You talk all week about how much you hate him, you want to get him, blah blah blah… then do something about it. You can’t even hit him with a battery? You can’t sneak one guy through security to run out onto the field and ass-punch him or something? I am extremely disappointed in you, Philadelphia.
Big 3rd and 1 coming up here for the Eagles… and a McNabb pass gets knocked down. You know what would’ve come in handy right there? The ability to grind out some tough yards on the ground.
McNabb launches a beautiful deep pass to Hank Baskett, in the middle of kind of a half-jump, about 50 yards down the field… incredible throw by McNabb, and in the past few weeks, I’m gaining a new appreciation for how accurate he is when throwing deep. And hey, who the fuck is Hank Baskett?
The Raiders throw a little screen pass to Lamont Jordan. The pass is both backwards and incomplete. Lamont Jordan does not see fit to do anything other than stand there and put his hands on his hips. The 49ers defense, meanwhile, sees fit to pick up the football and score a touchdown. Sometimes, it’s not the little things. Sometimes, it’s the big, huge, really dumb things.
Uh oh… Marques Tuiasosopo is warming up. The Raiders are DONE FUCKING AROUND.
God, I wish Jeff George was on this roster right now. He’d see some time in this game today. I’m 100% sure of that. And I’m like 85% sure that he’d be better than either of the quarterbacks who have played today.
This is a little bit disconcerting. Terrell Owens is on the sidelines, looking frustrated and unhappy. And he’s being consoled… by Mike Vanderjagt. One of three things is taking place here.
1) Bill Parcells took a shot in the dark and thought maybe if he sent Vanderjagt over there, Owens would be able to talk Vanderjagt into killing himself, too.2) These two like talking to each other, because they know that they can both so things that are neither relevant or sensible, and since the other guy’s just like that, there’s no pressure to make sense of anything, because there’s just no sense there. Something like…
Vanderjagt: Hey man, you like Twinkies?
Vanderjagt: You know, with the cream filling in the middle? I have 19 of them for breakfast, wrapped in bacon.
Owens: I don’t know if the hood ornament on my car is big enough. You think?
Vanderjagt: When I go to the movies, I like to sit in the eighth row back, sixth seat over, because that’s where the action is.
Owens: On Tuesday, I’m probably going to put some lotion on my elbows.
Vanderjagt: My Aunt Martha’s pissed off because her boss didn’t get her anything on Secretary’s Day.
Owens: That’s what I’ve been saying.
Vanderjagt: I feel that.
3) Vanderjagt is offering practical advice. Something like, “Hey, um… about last week? You know, pills isn’t the way to go. Your body will probably just end up rejecting them any way. Try dropping a toaster in the bathtub with you, or… I’m just putting this out there, but I have a gun. I’ve done some research on this. I’m not saying you should, or that I think it’s a good idea. I mean, I’m just… you know, I’m just saying. I have a gun.”
A Cowboys fan just yelled, “Come on, Bledsoe, get it up!” He may have been referring to the pass Bledsoe just short-armed, or it may be a desire for Bledsoe to finally fill that Levitra prescription.
Terrell Owens with a drop. The fans are eating it up… and that’s apparently as good as it’s going to get this week, in terms of eventful things happening around Terrell Owens.
The Jaguars are steamrolling with Jets… and with 5:00 to play in the fourth quarter, Byron Leftwich is still in. And not only is he in, he’s out in front of the play, blocking on a reverse. And then he’s throwing for the endzone. Jack Del Rio must be pissed off at the Jets for something.
YeOW. Larry Johnson just went down in a very hideous fashion. Antrell Rolle chased him down on a long screen play, and pretty blatantly took him down by the facemask, turning Larry’s head in unnatural directions. Johnson face down… and is completely motionless. Oh, man… I feel sick. Given the neck-twisting nature of the play, and how Johnson is completely motionless… this is as frightened as I’ve ever been for a guy’s health, immediately after a hit. This could be something really, really bad.
And fortunately, it’s not. He’s moving his legs, and is actually walking off the field on his own power… but for a few minutes there, that was sickening to look at. And what Antrell Rolle just did is probably worse than what Albert Haynesworth did last week. When you make a guy’s neck twist like that… I dunno. Anything could happen. Johnson and Rolle are very lucky that wasnâ€™t worse.
Some Eagles break out their “E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!” bit, and this Cowboys fan near us goes, “Oh, shut the fuck up, you asshole.” I am so easily amused sometimes.
Drew Bledsoe badly underthrows Terrell Owens on a deep ball… and it would be extremely poetic if Owens went bezerk, and just flipped out on Bledsoe right now, giving him the McNabb/Garcia treatment in front of a stadium full of Eagles fans. That would make me happy.
What doesn’t make me happy, though… is Owens bitching about being underthrown, or when a quarterback doesn’t see him when he’s open. That stuff happens all the time, to all receivers. I try not to dislike Owens, but come on, man… meet me halfway. Stop with the waving of your arms, and the public showing up of your quarterback… and just accept that sometimes, the quarterback is going to make mistakes. It’s a part of life for every wide receiver. You’re the only who reacts that way.
So we’re discussing now who would win a fight between Terrell Owens and Donovan McNabb… Juice and The Greek are both convinced that it’s McNabb, but I’m not so sure. Terrell Owens is a pussy in the sense that he gets upset over things he shouldn’t get upset about, but… that’s different from being the kind of a pussy who wouldn’t put up a fight. I have a feeling that if Owens ever does get into a fistfight with anyone, that 30 years of pent-up self-loathing could just rain down on someone’s face… sort of like when Adam Sandler goes off on people in Punch Drunk Love.
At the two minute warning, the Cowboys next two plays result in Drew Bledsoe sacks. The first one was 100% on Bledsoe for not getting rid of the ball. The second one, he didn’t have much of a chance. Regardless, those two plays took 64 seconds and cost them over 10 yards.
And by now, I’m sure you’ve seen the highlights of the incredible finish to that game. The Eagles D somehow lets Terry Glenn get behind them for what would’ve been the game-tying TD, and gets called for pass interference, setting the Cowboys up at the Eagles 6. And then on the next play, Bledsoe completes a very accurate pass to Lito Sheppard for an Eagles TD. Amazing finish… and I’m glad the game eventually lived up to the hype, even if it wasn’t in the way I wanted it to.
Drew Bledsoe’s final numbers: 18-of-38, 3 INTs. And was sacked 7 times by Eagles defensive linemen.