Week 9 – 2006/2007

Why has ESPN moved Steve Young out of the studio? Is this something new, or did it happen a while ago, and I’m just noticing it… I’d hate to think that they shipped him out to make room for Ditka. Ditka might’ve been a great football coach, but I’d take Mike Tyson over Ditka in a spelling bee. He strikes me as an exceedingly dumb man.

Lots of Ravens fans in the house today… a guy wearing a Ravens Deion Sanders jersey just came in. You don’t see that often. And all the Ravens fans have on the black jerseys, as opposed to the traditional purple. They’re probably afraid that if they were seen in purple, everyone would think they were gay. I’m thinking they’re gay anyway.

Hey, you know what I just learned from an ESPN commercial? That there’s only one day until the Seahawks play the Raiders. JUST ONE DAY UNTIL THE SEAHAWKS PLAY THE RAIDERS! Do you think there’s anyone at ESPN that said, “Hey, we’ve got Seahawks/Raiders this week… we can’t really run that commercial, can we? I mean, it’s Seahawks/Raiders. People will laugh.” There probably is, but that guy’s only worked there for about a week.

Just so you know, I’ll be going solo for much of the day. The Greek and his wife are out of town for a swingers convention somewhere, and The Juice has to leave in a little bit. This would be a perfect opportunity for Crazy Fish Guy to make a surprise appearance, but… I’m pretty sure he’s dead. God speed, Crazy Fish Guy.

Oh good, Chris Berman is doing a Richard Nixon impression. That’s what I wanted to see today. The lamest man alive doing the lamest and most clichéd impression that has ever existed. Sweet.

TV guy changes it over to the Fox pregame, and Pam Oliver is interviewing various Cowboys about the differences between Tony Romo and Drew Bledsoe. She’s outright badgering them into saying something fucked up about Drew Bledsoe. It’s as if she’s made it her personal goal to fracture that locker room. She might as well videotape Terrell Owens nailing Judith Parcells. I don’t ever watch the Fox pregame… does Pam Oliver do this “Let’s just interview people and be a total bitch” routine often?

Baltimore is up 14-0 before I even have a chance to picture myself and the waitress engaged in “the union of the monkey.” They’ve got like 20 yards of total offense, but got a Bengals fumble on the opening kickoff, and then an interception return to the house. Somehow, and I mean this as a compliment, the Ravens specialize in making their opponents suck.

By the way, why does Ed Reed always have to follow the guy who makes the interception, and run behind him begging for the football? Get out front and block, dickhead. We know you’re fast, we know you want to score, we know you’re really awesome… but you can take periodic breaks from being a wang.

The Redskins have the ball at about the six-inch line. They go to Ladell Betts on 3rd down, and he had some room, but couldn’t score. They send the field goal unit out, and I don’t like this call. You’re the Redskins, you suck, your season’s probably done, your season is certainly done if you don’t win today… take your balls out of your purse, Joe Gibbs, and go for it.

Alright, they called a timeout, and the offense is back on the field. Portis gets the call, and the Cowboys have him stuffed for no gain and a turnover on downs. Yeah… sorry, there, Joe Gibbs. Sometimes your purse is actually the appropriate place for your balls. My bad.

When Baltimore went up 14-0, I thought about declaring the game over, but held off. Until, that is, CBS showed this stat: Baltimore is 37-0 when their have a turnover margin of +2 of better… and I’m thinking that’s a wrap for this game.

Ooooh, and the Redskins get a safety on the next play, after leaving the Cowboys the ball inside the one. That’s what I would have recommended to Joe Gibbs all along.

Redskins safety Sean Taylor gets called for hitting Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo “too low.” Even Tony Romo thinks that’s bullshit. The only person alive who likes that call is Carson Palmer. It even looked like Taylor hit him around the thighs, which is sort of where they teach you to tackle. I’m all for protecting quarterbacks, but… that seems to have gone a bit too far. Though I do confess, I’d hate to see anyone tackle Phil Rivers around the ankles, because it might bruise the tip of his penis.

Speaking of Carson Palmer, he looks terrible. On about three consecutive throws, he’s let it go, and I’ve thought, “no good can come from that.” He’s not actually throwing the ball, he’s heaving it and hoping something good happens with it.

Brett Favre drops back, and completes a touchdown pass to London Fletcher. London Fletcher plays for the Bills. I like to watch as many football games as possible at one time (you can watch four, and rarely have to miss a play in any game), but that game is depressing me. If they’d just turn that television off, everyone here would be leaving a happier person.

In a break-in highlight from the Bears/Fish game, Jason Taylor just took a Rex Grossman interception to the house, and the Fish lead 14-3. What I wouldn’t give to be sharing this moment with Crazy Fish Guy. He’d have gotten this goofy smile on his face, and did an old-man fist pump and be like, “Atta way, Taylor! Yeah!” And then he would’ve marked something down on his gambling sheet, and said, “seven points closer to the over.” And I’d have laughed, and he’d have said, “I just like to have fun.” And then, I’d be tired of him and I’d wish he would leave me alone, and I’d make some sarcastic comment about him. Those were the days. But he’s dead now, so none of that is happening outside of my imagination.

Something bugs me about Rex Grossman, by the way… he has great games, games where he looks like Joe Montana… but when he gets rattled, he morphs into a football Rick Ankiel. I think it’s easy to get in his kitchen.

By the way, if the Dolphins go on to win this game, Dennis Green should call a press conference, despite the fact that the Cardinals are on a bye week, and give his Bears speech all over again.

Here’s a commercial supporting breast cancer research. Lynn Redgrave is talking about how she refuses to die of breast cancer, and would rather die while doing something happier. It’s a good commercial… and it’s as important for men to see it as it is for women. But on a Sunday afternoon, during football… is this the right approach to take? Here’s what you do, breast cancer people. You line up the new Boston Celtics dancers, you put the camera at chest level, and you just go down the line, and you get every single titty on camera. Then the screen goes black, and the words “SAVE ‘EM” appear on the screen. Then you show the website or phone number to call and give money. That would touch both the heart strings and the penis strings. I’m just trying to help, Lynn Redgrave.

Sign in Baltimore: “TODAY, IT’S OCHO STINKO!” Fuck you, kid.

Tony Romo’s looked fantastic for the Cowboys. I don’t know what his numbers are at the moment, but… he’s more than just a guy who’s faster than Drew Bledsoe. He’s making good decisions, and he’s got a live arm… he’s a quality quarterback. I don’t know how he didn’t get this job sooner.

During halftime highlights, Terry Bradshaw just dropped a “Not so fast, my friend.” So he’s been studying Lee Corso tapes. You know, this shouldn’t surprise me. Terry Bradshaw probably thinks it would be a tremendous achievement if he could be considered the Lee Corso of professional football. I bet he and Corso share a merkin.

And I’m not sure if I heard this or not… but they were talking about some game in which a team made a decision the Fox guys deemed too conservative, and just before commercial, Howie Long said they were playing with “scared money.” And I think Jimmy Johnson was in the middle of saying a naughty word when they cut to commercial. The way I heard it was, “Scared money? Scared shitl–” and he got cut off before he could get “shitless” out. I’m not sure of this. I think that’s what I heard, though.

Terrell Owens scores for the Cowboys… then lays down in the endzone, taking a brief nap, using the ball for a pillow. The man is a giant douchebag, and it’s not okay that he falls asleep in meetings, and his receivers coach probably doesn’t enjoy the fact that he’s making light of the situation… but that was funny. Gotta give it to him.

His publicist just called 911 and said he looked unresponsive in the endzone.

Sweet…. Rick Santorum political ad. Frothy Mixture in ’06.

Terrell Owens just runs straight past whatever poor corner they had guarding him, and Adam Archuleta… Tony Romo throws him a perfect deep ball on the money, and doucheface drops it. That would’ve been a touchdown and just about put this game on ice. Karma 1, Owens 0.

Ray Lewis has Rudi Johnson stood up at about the one-yard line. Shoulders square, the hit is straight on… and Rudi Johnson just powers through him, sheds the tackle and scores. Not one of Ray’s finer moments.

I think DeAngelo Hall is trying to fight Jon Kitna right now. I can’t imagine why anyone would ever want to fight Jon Kitna. What’s he ever going to do to provoke someone? And what if you lose? Do you think people would ever get tired of taunting you with, “You got your ass kicked by Jon Kitna”?

Mark Brunell hits Chris Cooley in the endzone for a big Redskins touchdown. It was set up by a long pass interference penalty on Cowboys safety Roy Williams… they ran an end-around to Antwaan Randle-El, and he threw a pretty spectacular deep ball. Randle-El right now is at least the second-best quarterback on the Redskins team.

You know who’s a cock? John Mayer. I see him in these Volkswagaon commercials, the ones that advertise a free guitar, which you can then plug into your new Volkswagon, for some reason… and he’s a stud. He’s doing some bad-ass things on that guitar. But any John Mayer song I hear on the radio is some lame, teenage-girl bullshit. His body is not a wonderland, his body is a monument to douche.

With 8:00 to play in the fourth quarter, Buffalo has 21 passing yards. Worth mentioning.

And the second after I type that, J.P. Losman hits a wide open Lee Evans for a touchdown. Evans was so wide open, in fact, that it didn’t matter that Losman underthrew him by about seven yards.

I kinda stopped paying attention to this game, but Cincinnati trails by just 6 with 4:00 to play.

Oh, and there’s a Brett Favre interception. It was of the “tipped ball” variety, so it’s easier to blame that one on someone who doesn’t love to play the game as much as Brett Favre does. But it did come off of Favre’s hand, it did go 70 yards in the other direction, and the Packers are going to lose to the Bills. I’m happy to report, though, that Favre hasn’t lost his passion for the game. Honestly, he’s like a kid out there.

The Bengals have a 4th down and 4 here to keep themselves alive… Palmer drops back, looking short, going for Housmandzadeh… and it’s knocked away. Ballgame. Houshmandzadeh slams his helmet to the ground and is going after an official… Marvin Lewis is having to physically restrain him. Houshmandzadeh also looks like a kid out there, but not in nearly as charming a way.

The Redskins/Cowboys game is coming down to it, too. Nick Novak has a shot to give the Redskins a lead here with under :40 to play. And he can’t do it. Wide, wide, right. That leaves Tony Romo with :31 to get the Cowboys in field goal range. And I’m saying he’ll do it… Tony Romo is the type of quarterback who gets this done, right now.

Romo hits Jason Witten down the field with a perfectly thrown ball, getting the Cowboys easily within field goal range. See, I told you Romo could do this.

I made no guarantees, however, about Mike Vanderjagt. That kick was blocked, and… holy shit. The Sean Taylor picked it up and started running, and someone facemasked him, and got called for it… and the 15 yards push the Redskins back into field goal range, and since the game can’t end on a defensive penalty, there will be one untimed down… Nick Novak’s getting another shot at this. This is fucking wacky.

And of course, Novak makes this one. That’s… that one’s gotta be tough to swallow for Cowboys fans. They haven’t blown a game like that, since… well, since Drew Bledsoe was the starting quarterback. Unfortunately for them, Mike Vanderjagt is like the Drew Bledsoe of kickers.

Hey, the Chargers are in their powder blues today. I had forgotten we were doing that… I’m unprepared for it. Now, I love the powder blues, don’t get me wrong, but historically, we haven’t played well in them. We beat the Steelers in them earlier this year, yes, but before that… the record isn’t pretty. We’re about due for a powder-blue ass-kicking.

The Steelers’ first drive of the game goes three-and-out, including a sack of Ben Roethlisberger. The Broncos, on their first play from scrimmage, go 40 yards downfield to Javon Walker. Rod Smith caps the drive with an incredible, fighting grab in the endzone, and the Steelers are in a 7-0 hole.

Oh, goodness. And Santonio Holmes fumbles the ensuing kickoff.

On second down, the Broncos run a fade to the corner of the endzone to Javon Walker. He can’t quite get to it. They run the same play on third down, this time, the throw by Plummer is perfect, and Taylor caught it right over Steelers corner Ike Taylor. It’s 14-0, with less than five minutes gone in the game… We are about to find out what is contained in those black and gold jockstraps.

The 49ers throwbacks are nice. It’s kind of a subtle difference from their everyday uniforms, but it’s there. There’s a white stripe between red stripes on the side of their pants, and the numbers and names on the red jerseys are in a plain, white, block font. Those are classic NFL uniforms, and they should be worn every week.

If I haven’t mentioned the Chargers yet, it’s because they’ve sucked balls so far. Mistakes and penalties… I’m telling you, these powder blue things are going to jump up and bite us today.

Christ, Santonio Holmes fumbled again. This time, it was on a punt return, and a Steeler was able to fall on it, but still. On any special teams play, someone should literally chain him to the bench. If he wants to be on the field, he should have to drag an entire 40-foot metal bench with him.

I’ve tried not to mention it today… but since I’ve been watching the 4:00 games on CBS, it’s like they’ve got that fucking Mellencamp/Chevy commercial on a continuous loop. Between the start of the game and the end of the 1st quarter… four times. I’m going to vow right now, and I’d like to ask all of you to do the same… that if I’m ever in close physical proximity to John Cougar Mellencamp, I’m punching him in the face. Jailtime, bodyguards, anything else be damned… I think it would be worth it to assault the man who is at least partially responsible for doing this to us.

And the 49ers pull a surprise onside kick on the Vikings. Now they’ll be able to punt with better field position.

Oooooh… there’s some vintage Ben Roethlisberger. He spent about 15 seconds moving around the pocket, evading the rush, buying himself some time… until he found an also-improvising Willie Parker for the touchdown. That was the old stuff right there.

Chargers defensive lineman Marques Harris picks up a Charlie Frye fumble that might as well have been gift-wrapped and with a pretty bow on it, and walks it about two steps into the endzone. Chargers lead, 10-6… but it’s not a deserved lead. Not that the Browns deserve it, either, but… we look terrible today.

Marques Harris makes up for it, though, celebrating his touchdown with a cartwheel into a little back handspring type manuever that seemed to defy the laws of physics.

Broncos linebacker Al Wilson puts a big hit on Willie Parker, after a Parker gain of 16. Al Wilson gets up talking trash like he just shed seven blockers and buried someone for a loss of four. You don’t get to talk when you just give up a 16-yard run, idiot. It doesn’t matter how hard you hit him. Willie Parker won that one.

Here’s a commercial for a movie entitled “Let’s Go To Prison.” It stars GOB from Arrested Development… that’s good enough for me. I consider GOB something of a role model… even if I can’t go see that movie, I’ll stop and buy a ticket for it, just because I want GOB to have the money.

Steelers linebacker James Farrior picks up a costly and dumb personal foul. Denver would’ve had to punt from their own endzone, now they have a first down… all because Farrior got mad when someone tried to block him low. I know that’s fucked up, but… they’re the Broncos, man, exactly what did you expect? It’s like getting into a fight with the Channel 4 Action News Team and getting mad when Brick Tamland throws a trident at you.

Willie Parker gets in the endzone for the Steelers, and it’s 21-17. I had taken a beating for my placement of the Steelers in my power rankings… I had them 8th two weeks ago, and 12th before that, and they were universally regarded as being too high (before they were punished for losing to Oakland this past week). I’m telling you, though, if this team could even eliminate half the mistakes… they easily beat all but a handful of teams in the NFL.

The Browns committed a false start penalty, and the whistle came a little late… everyone stopped moving, and while they were all standing there waiting for the call, Chargers defensive lineman Derreck Robinson decided to mow down Charlie Frye. That’s probably illegal. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it, but… yeah, you can’t do that.

Plummer goes again to Javon Walker on the fade, and again, Walker catches it right over Ike Taylor. 28-17, Broncos.

LaDainian Tomlinson finally has it going for the Chargers… he just broke off about a 40-yard touchdown. This will be a “we can’t really be happy about this win” win.

Jake Plummer goes deep to Javon Walker again, for a gain of 61 yards. Javon Walker is just killing Ike Taylor today. And these Plummer throws are on the money… I’m going to have to stop making fun of Jake Plummer for a week or two. But the game ball today goes to Ike Javon Walker… and he’s taking that game ball, shoving it in Ike Taylor’s mouth and tying it around his head with a black leather strap and calling him “the gimp.”

According to Jim Nantz, the Steelers defense “can plug any hole you think you can find.” I have never questioned Joey Porter’s hole-plugging ability.

One last display of futility for the Steelers. Hines Ward catches a pass inside the 10, and turns it upfield… he leaps for the endzone, and has the ball knocked away. Fumble, in the hands of a Bronco… game over. This game, while perhaps not on the scoreboard, has been kind of an upgraded version of last week’s Raiders game. At times, they make plays, and they’ll end up with a substantial edge in yards from scrimmage, but… mistakes and turnovers have cost them the game. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen a team this good plauged this badly by dumb mistakes. It’s unreal.

2 thoughts on “Week 9 – 2006/2007

  1. You didn’t hear Jim Nance hock a loogie while Phil Simms was mentally undressing Big Ben, while he was bent over in the huddle?

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