Week 10 – 2006/2007

Rudi Johnson isn’t starting for the Bengals for disciplinary reasons. Wait, let me try that again. Rudi Johnson isn’t starting for disciplinary reasons? Man, the Bengals are running out of good guys. About Wednesday, we’ll hear about Carson Palmer and Marvin Lewis murdering a transvestite hooker when some double team action went awry.


Games I can see include: Washington/Philadelphia, Houston/Jacksonville, Cleveland/Atlanta, and San Diego/Cincinnati. I’d imagine we’ll be focusing primarily on the last one… although Houston’s already up 7-0 on Jacksonville, evidently the only team in the NFL they can beat.


I like this commercial where they have the various mascots and whathaveyou chasing the Heisman trophy in the back of a Toyota. There’s a Mountaineer chasing it, and he gets clobbered by something… I think they should have had a pack of Cardinals fly over him, coat him in bird shit, and then peck his eyes out. That would be a little more accurate.


The Bengals, early on, are just having their way with the Chargers on both sides of the ball. We need Shawne Merriman. Or at least his pharmacist. Get some nandrolone in these boys, stat. 7-0, Bengals.


Make that 14-0, Bengals, and six or seven minutes into the game, the Bengals have yet to have an unsuccessful offensive play. Everything single thing they’ve done has worked perfectly and without resistance.


Donte Stallworth is having a pretty big game for the Eagles. The Juice says, “Man, Aaron Brooks must be pretty bad.” Yes, Juice, I’m pretty sure that’s the case. Someone mentions that on Countdown earlier, Tom Jackson said that the Saints immediately became 25% better when they got rid of Brooks. I think 25% is a pretty conservative estimate.


There’s something about Phil Rivers’ snap count, or something the center’s doing… but other teams are on to it. For at least a couple of weeks now, teams have been jumping it.  And that’s a pretty good way to trainwreck a play from the beginning.


The Titans are somehow beating the Ravens’ ass. It’s 26-7 Titans in a thoroughly confusing score. All these good teams make a ton of mistakes against the Ravens… and now they play about the league’s worst team and they’re getting bitchslapped. I think the Titans are only doing this because Ray Lewis is black.


That Jessica Simpson DirecTV commercial is on… Lady E is annoyed by her. This exchange happens:
Lady E: She can’t talk without moving her shoulders!
The Juice: I’d fuck her mouth.


It’s apparently the Lorenzo Neal show in San Diego. Something like four of six of the last Chargers offensive plays have been designed for Lorenzo Neal. Surprisingly, this is not a strategy that’s lighting up the scoreboard. I think Lo sometimes struggles to catch the ball because that’s a skill that requires soft hands and some finesse, as opposed to just a desire to cave in somebody’s sternum.


21-0 Bengals now. Chad Johnson was wide open like Pam Anderson’s vagina when there’s a douchebag rock star in the room. There was no one even close to Chad Johnson… and the bastard didn’t even have the courtesy to dance. If you’re going to beat and humiliate my team, at least entertain me, prick.


With 12:08 to play in the 2nd quarter, the Bengals have had their first unsuccessful offensive play.  It’s a starting point.


Weird highlight from the Pats/Jets game… Corey Dillon broke though the Jets defensive line, and got good yardage… and about 15-20 yards into the run, decelerated to somewhere near Gilbert Brown pace. The guy chasing him seemed confused, like he didn’t want to hit him because he thought Dillon was hurt. He wasn’t, though. He was just like, “Wait, runs can go longer than six yards? Fuck this. I’m walking.”


Carson Palmer looks for Chris Henry in traffic… the ball is thrown perhaps a little bit out of “comfortable catch” range, but by no means was it out of his reach. There were, however, three Chargers there waiting for it, some of them with intentions of making physical contact with Chris Henry… and that’s a significant deterrent to #15, so he just kinda stops. Fortunately for the Bengals, the ball bounces off a Charger’s chest, and Chris Henry got away with his complete pussification. Carson Palmer is pissed.


If you don’t recall, Chris Henry did the exact same thing on a Bengals deep ball last week. This play was extremely similar. It was in his range, and Henry just said, “I’m not going there, there are Chargers there.” Chris Henry is a more talented combination of Todd Pinkston and Lawrence Phillips. I don’t think Carson Palmer’s going to go his direction again today.


Two plays later, touchdown Chris Henry. Naturally.


Brett Favre and Donald Driver hook up for a touchdown pass. Favre runs downfield and picks Driver up and tosses him over his back in a move similar to what I believe the wrestlers call a “fireman’s carry.” That was weird, but… kind of awesome. That was a situation that actually did call for a commentator to say that Brett Favre loves to play the game.


The Fox gang is in Pittsburgh for the Saints/Steelers game. One of the fans by the set has a sign that reads, “Forever Our XL Champions!” Yes, lady, that is true. And I think it’s a wise move on your part to focus on last year.


The Chargers have shown a little bit of life in making it 28-14 here in the third quarter… but at some point, we’re going to need to get some stops.


Chad Johnson is once again wide, wide, wide open about 60 yards downfield. He scores again, and then mocks Shawne Merriman’s little sack dance, something that I’ve always found to be pretty lame anyway. Then at the end of it, he throws in Joey Porter’s kick manuever… I guess that was Chad Johnson’s special “Fuck All Linebackers” tribute.


Michael Turner fields the ensuing kickoff, with Lorenzo Neal running ahead of him as a lead blocker. In HD, you can actually see Lo Neal foaming at the mouth as he runs at full steam, looking for someone to hit. Turner outruns him, rendering Neal’s blocking useless… and Neal just goes out of bounds. Here’s Lorenzo’s inner dialogue:
Good Lo: Okay, it’s a kickoff return, let’s throw a good block here and help out our teammate, Michael Turner.
Bad Lo: AARRRRRRAAARRGHGHGHRHRGGHHHA.
Good Lo: Boy, I really don’t like it when when you start frothing at the mouth. Let’s try to…
Bad Lo: I’M GONNA KILL HIM. I WANT TO MAKE SOMEONE DIE.
Good Lo: Who, exactly?
Bad Lo: ARRRGHGHGHAAARRRGHGHGHAARRRGHGH.
Good Lo: You know, Michael just ran byy us. You can’t lead block anymore.
Bad Lo: TURNER’S GOING TO DIE, THEN.
Good Lo: You can’t do that. There is literally no one on the field that it would do us any good to block.
Bad Lo: REF. THE REF. HELMET IN HIS GODDAMN CHEST, HERE IT COMES.
Good Lo: I’m taking us out of bounds before someone gets hurt.


The score is 38-35, by the way. There’s still almost a full quarter to play. I thought this might be a high-scoring game, but I wasn’t quite expecting this.


Fox has a record of Eagles linebacker D’hani Jones’ outgoing voicemail message. I really wish I could’ve hit the pause on the TiVo and slowed that down to get it word for word, but it’s this long philosophical thing about the nature of human beings… I dunno, I didn’t really catch the gist. But it’s this long thing that ends with, “…and think about that… before you leave a message for D’hani Jones. (beep)” If a friend of mind had that voicemail, and I had to listen to that every time I asked him if he wanted to see if he was watching a game, I think I’d beat him to death.


Chargers DE Shaun Phillips gets in Carson Palmer’s face and forces the fumble… that’s our ball, bitch. And on the next play, LaDainian Tomlinson converts it four six. Cincinnati’s defensive coordinator has a look on his face like his son just told him that he needed a ride to ballet class as soon the Rachael Ray Show is over. He is out of options for trying to contain LaDainian Tomlinson.


There’s a lot of Browns fans in the place today. Kellen Winslow comes down with a great catch in traffic, and one of them stands up and goes, “What a catch!” I instinctively yell, “What a douche!” And he turns around and says, “It’s a shame that he’s so good.” I couldn’t agree more. It is a shame that that guy is that good.


I think TJ Houshmandzadeh might be dead. He was coming across the middle, and Chargers safety Marlon McCree decided to lay him out… about, oh say, three seconds before the ball got there. Randall Godfrey was coming in on the play, too, and ended up inadvertently hitting Houshmandzadeh’s head with his knee, due to Housh’s abrupt and unexpected change of direction. Houshmandzadeh couldn’t spell his last name right now if you spotted him the “Houshmandzade.”


We’ve just had a major tequila spill at our table… five extra-large shots of tequila are in the carpet right next to us, and the smell has caused 80% of my nose hair to evaporate. My fucking tongue is numb. The constant presence of tequila fumes… is not a pleasant thing.


The Browns go on to beat Michael Vick and the Falcons, and there is much barking among the Browns fans. It sounds like the Arsenio Hall show in here.


The Saints/Steelers game is underway, and it doesn’t take Ben Roethlisberger long to hit Hines Ward over the middle for a perfect strike that ends up going for a touchdown. Benjamin comes away from the play, shaking his hand, though… but I’ll bet you that that tough son-of-a-bitch is going to power through it like Willis Reed. That guy’s a real throwback to the old days, when guys would pretend to be injured, and then play through any amount of imaginary excruciating pain.


Oh, Philip Rivers, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD. He rolled out to his left, set up a defender perfectly, left him in no man’s land, and lofted it over his head to Brandon Manumaleuna. That’ll put the Chargers ahead by 8 with not much time left.


Roethlisberger’s on the sidelines flexing his hand, gripping a ball, making sure the camera’s on him, and then wincing. I think he’s going to play through this. This reminds me of when 50 Cent got shot nine times, and then kept making albums that went platinum.


4th and 8 here for the Bengals in Chargers territory… Palmer drops back, it’s tipped, and incomplete… and that’ll wrap up a Chargers victory. Man, that seemed unlikely a couple of hours ago. I mean getting a stop, and/or getting a win. But hey, that’s the upside of playing a talented team that has absolutely no mental or emotional stability.  It’s like they’re coached by Courtney Love.


I’m watching the Cardinals/Cowboys game on a 70-inch HDTV… and it feels weird. Something just feels inherently wrong about watching the Cardinals in HD. Something about the Cardinals organization just screams, “19-inch black and white with rabbit ears.” I believe you have to watch the Cardinals on that TV to get the full Cardinal experience.


Ben Roethlisberger, bravely soldiering through mild discomfort, finds Heath Miller in the endzone for another Steelers TD. It’s 14-0 Pittsburgh early on.


This was my favorite moment of the day. Tony Romo drops back with the Cowboys in scoring range, and is under pressure… he sort of flings the ball through the back of the endzone, and Sam Hurd, #17 for the Cowboys (who The Juice has been calling “Quincy Carter”) catches it… about, oh I dunno, 7 or 8 feet out of the back of the endzone. And as he brings it in, he looks down and tries to drag his feet. Keep in mind that the poor bastard was a full two yards out, and he’s trying to drag his feet. I felt really bad for him. It’s like a a kid in a spelling bee who has to spell “phlegm,” and he starts out, “F-L-E-H-” and then spends the next two minutes crying because he can’t think of what comes next. Difficult to watch.


There’s a girl at the next table, babbling about organized religion. She’s got it all figured out, much like every other college sophomore in the world. It’s the same girl that you might remember from the end of Week 8, the diehard Steelers fan who doesn’t actually watch the game. She’s missed both touchdowns so far, but her dissertation on theology has been mind-blowingly awesome. Seriously, my life has been changed. In about hour #3 of her tirade against religion, I suggest that we all get up together, and kneel, in unison, towards Mecca and start praying.


The Greek drops into conversation that he’s scheduled to get a spinal x-ray tomorrow. No one had any idea that this was happening, and it sounds sort of serious. I’m a little concerned, but… if he’s not going to tell me about it, I’m damn sure not going to let him know I’m concerned. I call him a pussy, and The Juice suggests that he “go down to the Great Wall and having some Asian chick walk on it.”


Reggie Bush, in a move that might make a highlight show or two, leaps from just inside the four-yard-line, and lands about a yard deep in the endzone for a touchdown. Jesus, he got up there. It’s nice to be reminded every now and then that he is capable of making quality football plays.


Charles Grant of the Saints – and I think this is fucking awesome – is wearing a white dress shirt under his pads. You can see the collar. That is phenomenal. Charles Grant is trying to bring a little bit of that Kanye fashion to the NFL. I’m pretty sure that a fine will be forthcoming, but… Charles Grant, you are the man.


Deuce McAllister gets into the endzone for the Saints and performs the exceptionally rare “spike while being tackled” celebration.


LaMont Jordan lowers his shoulder into Broncos linebacker Al Wilson, who’s one of the league’s best… and just sends Wilson flying. That was a Lorenzo Neal maneuver… Al Wilson just got fucked up. I didn’t know LaMont had it in him. I ain’t afraid to give you one across the lips, Lamont.


You know how at some military bases (or all of them, I dunno), they have those tubes coming out of the ground where you’re supposed to piss? The piss tubes? The Juice has a dream to one day open a sports bar where there are piss tubes under every table. I think the board of health may have some issues with that.


There are three female Saints fans at the game, sitting next to each other, wearing Cowboy hats… they’re like 40-year-old, baggy-eyed, single-mother-of-two Jen Stergers.


Reggie Bush coughs up a crucial fumble… Sean Payton is all over him. I think that’s the first time I’ve seen Reggie Bush get yelled at like a little boy. I hope Mario Williams was watching that and got a little schadenfreude out of it.


And on the next play, a Saints safety bit on a Roethlisberger pump fake like Marv Albert on a pasty white titty, and the score is tied at 24. The Steelers now have 14-points off of Saints turnovers.


Oooh… that one’s not going to be making the Roy Williams highlight reel. Matt Leinart just faked him out of his jock on a scramble to the endzone. Matt Leinart has all the mobility of shiftiness of Peyton Manning on quaaludes.


And on a drive that consisted of Willie Parker, Willie Parker, and more Willie Parker… the Steelers find themselves in the lead late in a game. Their secondary still has major issues, and their offensive line can be violated with a fair amount of regularity, but… they can still beat a lot of teams when Ben Roethlisbeger is on. That’s just the way things are.


They have no answer for Marques Colston, though. Late in the game, he has 9 catches for 156 yards. The Juice is so sick of him that he has threatened to start talking shit about Katrina.


By the way, if ‘Katrina and the Waves’ was still a popular band, do you think they’d have to change their name? Or at least do a charity remix of “Walkin’ on Sunshine,” with a new title… something like, “Buried Under Raw Sewage”?


A snap goes through Drew Brees’s legs and skids straight through to the backfield. Deuce McAllister picks it up and takes it the house before anyone else has any idea what the hell is going on. That’s one of the weirder touchdowns you’ll ever see.


A little bit later, the Saints have a minute or so to score a tying touchdown… Marques Colston catches a ball well inside John Carney’s field goal range… and then fumbles it, which is going to end this game. Fortunately, we’re going to get out of here before The Juice goes to the Katrina jokes.

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