Tony Romo is being interviewed via satellite on CBS’s pregame show, and one of the bullshit analysts says that he heard “Dukes of Hazard” was Romo’s favorite movie, and asks when he’ll be going on a date with Jessica Simpson. Romo, to his credit, is quick to correct the notion that he enjoyed that movie, and seems offended at the notion. He seems totally frozen by the question about Jessica Simpson, though, which probably means that she’s blowing him during this very interview.
For those of you who didn’t get to enough weddings this year and haven’t seen enough old white people dancing, hurry up and change it to Fox… Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson are dancing as they go to commercial. And I don’t mean they were just sort of subtly moving to the background music while something else was going on around them, I mean they were the only two people on camera, music was played for them to dance to, and they were busting out their best moves.Â Either that, or they’re having dueling seizures.Â My point is that Fox did this on purpose.
Hey, whaddaya know, CBS has a shot of Joey Porter talking trash during pregame warmups. That never gets old or anything.
Meanwhile, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are literally head-to-head… their foreheads leaning against each other, while they talk back and forth, spitting all over each other. It looks like they’re about to make out. I wonder how God feels about His linebacker being into dudes.
Drew Brees hits a wide open Devery Henderson with a deep ball very early in the Saints/Falcons game. Henderson outsprints DeAngelo Hall to the endzone. Hall can’t catch Henderson until he’s about seven yards deep in the endzone, at which point he reaches for the back of his shoulder pads, and horse collars him down. He gets buried in penalty flags.Â Idiot.
Steve McNair looks fantastic early in the Steelers/Ravens game. He’s getting rid of the ball quickly, making the right reads, making very accurate throws… he lofts one to a wide open Todd Heap for a Ravens touchdown. 7-0.
Here’s a neat little stat: Morten Andersen is the all-time leading scorer for both the Saints and the Falcons. What a nice honor to tie the proud histories of those two franchises together.
Dulymus McAllister scores to put the Saints up 14-0, about ten minutes after Boomer Esiason boldly predicted that the Falcons would not just win today, but make the playoffs. Not one of Boomer’s prouder moments.
There’s a group of fellows at the table behind us that seem like decent enough guys. The Juice and I overhear them talking about the Mellencamp commercial, and one of them utters a sentence that starts with, “It’s a good tune, but…” The Juice and I immediately make eye contact in a “You fucking heard that, right?” kind of way. Also, one of them keeps calling Mellencamp “Cougs.”
Jason Campbell steps away from pressure in the Redskins/Panthers game, has a receiver wide open on a crossing pattern about 8 yards downfield… and Campbell misses him by about two full yards. Every time I look up at that game, the Redskins are starting with great field position, but don’t yet have any points to show for it.
Jamal Lewis continues to just plow through the Steelers defense early in this game. He caps the drive with a one-yard TD run. It’s 14-0, Ravens.Â Obviously, the Steelers haven’t played that great this year, but one thing they did have was an excellent run defense.Â Not today.Â Jamal Lewis and the Ravens line are handling them.
Ouch… Bart Scott comes free after Willie Parker misread the blitz and just plants Ben Roethlisberger. I don’t know exactly what hurts on Benjamin, but he’s writhing around in pain. If it’s a concussion, expect Roethlisberger to miss as many as four, maybe five plays before the Steelers stick him back in the line-up.
Michael Vick is currently 4-of-11 for 19 yards, but he does have over 100 yards rushing already. It’s hard to quantify exactly how good of a performance that is from a quarterback, but the scoreboard would argue that it’s nothing special. The Falcons trail, 14-3.
Here’s a commercial for the new Rocky movie… and I notice a distinct lack of Adrian. I wonder if they killed her off, or if she left Rocky’s broke ass. Or, I speculate, perhaps Rocky left her for a stripper named Sparkle. “Yo Sparkle! We did it!” The Juice tells me that he used to know a girl named Sparkle, and she had a sister named Sprinkle. I laugh, but he’s not kidding. “Sparkle,” he says, “had some problems. She was fucked by everything. Mules, the entire football team…”
I didn’t expect that conversation to go there.
Matt Stover makes it 17-0 Ravens before the half. No one on the Steelers sideline seems to notice or care that much.
Some guy uses a napkin to make the “OFF-FENSE” sign from the Man Law commercials.
Roscoe Parrish… that should be illegal. I think he just topped Pac-Man’s punt return from last week on the HolyFuck-o-meter. Brilliant stuff there.
The Steelers come out and in their first possession after halftime, and go three and out. The Juice asks, “Are we allowed to forfeit?” I don’t think NFL rules allow that, actually, but the Steelers are coming as close as they can.
Jim Mora Jr. leaves the field in Atlanta. I don’t have sound for that game, so I can’t be sure what’s happening. I’m just going to assume that he realized that his dad was right, and he’s sick of coaching Michael Vick… and he just said, “Fuck this shit,” and decided to quit in the third quarter.
Ben Roethlisberger is sacked from his blindside, fumbles, and that one’s going to go for a Ravens touchdown. That was roughly 0% Ben Roethlisberger’s fault. It’s 24-0, and that’ll wrap things up here for the 2006 Steelers. And if they go into 2007 with the same offensive line, this same thing is going to happen again.
There’s a waitress here… that I don’t think is human. I think she was built in a factory from carefully-selected parts of other girls. It’s a shame that all those other girls had to die for her to be created, but… I think it was worth the sacrifice.
In one of the best plays you’ll see from a tight end this year, Chris Cooley takes a short Jason Campbell pass, bowls through a couple of tackles and races 66 yards to the endzone. That puts the Redskins in front of the maddeningly inconsistent Panthers.
The Steelers are driving late here, with the score 27-0. The Greek doesn’t want them to score, saying that as a football fan, he believes the Ravens deserve the shutout, and it would be wrong for the Steelers to add a bullshit score here.Â This is a Steelers fan talking.
Steelers center Jeff Hartings apparently agrees, as he goes with the “Â¡OlÃ©!” blocking technique, allowing Ben Roethlisberger to be sacked for the 9th time today.
And on the very next play, Roethlisberger drills a wide open Bart Scott in the breadbasket with the football. That throw may have been a direct “fuck you” to his offensive line, saying in essence, “I’m not standing back here and taking a pounding. Fuck that. If you’re not blocking, they can have the ball.” I think there’s about a 20% chance that that actually happened… I mean, that ball was thrown directly to Bart Scott with no chance of it ending up in anyone else’s hands. I really wouldn’t blame Benjamin.
And Bill Cowher seems bothered by none of this. I don’t think his headset is being used to communicate with any other team personnel, I think it’s wired directly into his travel agent’s office, and he’s planning his vacation for the off-season.
I wanna give some credit to the Redskins defense this afternoon… they seemed to have had Jake Delhomme confused and unsure of himself all day long. Of course, that’s been the case with Delhomme most of the year, but still… I wouldn’t have picked the Redskins to win this game, but they’re going to.
Meanwhile, Chargers/Raiders is underway… and the Raiders start the game with an opening drive that moves the ball pretty well. That’s an unpleasant feeling.
Fortunately, Sebastian Janikowski is a douchebag and a poor kicker. We remain scoreless.
Peanut Tillman intercepts a tipped pass for the Bears, and then does the fucking jumpshot celebration. I am so sick of seeing that… I want to punch Jim Jones in his fucking mouth. If you were an NFL player, wouldn’t you have some sense by now that the jumpshot is about the least creative thing you could do? You’re going to call attention to yourself with a celebration dance, and then you’re going to do something 85 other people have done this year? Roger Goodell should start fining people who do this bullshit.
Laurence Maroney has the ball stolen right out of his hands by Bears linebacker Lance Briggs. Just took it right away from him. This may be the reason that Maroney hasn’t taken all of Corey Dillon’s carries this year.
The Raiders second drive of the day ends in a touchdown. Rashard Lee scores from 1 yard out, and their 7-0 lead his been thoroughly earned.
Michael Turner’s a little banged up, and Antonio Cromartie’s getting a chance to return kicks for the Chargers today. His first effort is a beauty, going down to about the Raiders 15. Sebastian Janikowski had him lined up for the tackle at one point, until Cromartie made a little juke move… prompting Janikowski to start a light jog back to his sideline. “Hey, I’m willing to tackle you, but, well… if you’re going to move…”
The Titans have put Pac-Man Jones in on offense. They run a reverse to him, and he’s completely hemmed up on the right side of the field, where the play was designed to go. He reverses the reverse, and finds 10 yards and a first down back over on the left. Remarkable play. Not many guys in the league are getting a first down out of that.
There are a couple of female Ravens fans sitting across the room. One of them, in her gravely Baltimore voice, her vocal chords having been damaged from years of abuse by cigarettes and the heads of erect penises, starts talking shit to The Juice and another Steelers fan who was nearby.
Aaron Brooks… is playing decently. Thought it was worth mentioning. And you know who else has been playing good football? Warren Sapp. It causes me physical pain to admit that.
Chad Jackson somehow gets wide open down the sideline for the Patriots… not a Bear within 10 yards of him. Tom Brady flat out misses him. You don’t see that often.
Some bastard named Madsen catches a 57-yard touchdown pass from Aaron Brooks… they’re going to say he stepped out at the two. Brooks goes back to Madsen on the next play for the Raiders touchdown. I’ve never heard of this guy. I’m going to call him Mark. Or Cunt.
You know who Tiki Barber reminds me of? Phil Mickelson. They’re both selfish, arrogant douchebags… but most people still like them because they constantly wear friendly smiles and seem to have a pleasant demeanor. These things are meaningless, of course, and reveal nothing positive about a person’s character… but they both have those perceptive and discerning New York sports fans fooled.Â Tiki Barber = Phil Mickelson.
The BaltiWhore is now expressing her admiration for Eli Manning. Clearly heard: “I’d fuck Eli.” I think maybe she has him confused with Peyton, though… she starts chanting, “Cut that meat!” although The Juice swears she was saying, “Come fuck me!” I’m not sure what’s happening right now.
R.W. McQuarters picks up an incomplete pass off the ground, and is pretending like he has a fumble or an interception. He’s running, prompting a Titan to attempt to tackle him… he sort of grabs him and spins him, which sends’ McQuarters’ helmet directly into the balls of strong safety Jason Bell. Bell just took the crown of a helmet in the nutsac because R.W. McQuarters felt like pretending he made a great play.
Philip Rivers, in the midst of the worst game of his professional career, throws a brutal interception to Nnadmi Asomugha.
LenDale White gets a carry for the Titans… and is jawing with someone after the play. Titans tackle David Stewart grabs White by the collar and throws him back towards his own huddle. Valuable veteran move right there.
Nnadmi Asomugha has horse teeth.
The Titans have a 4th and 9 here in the fourth quarter against the Giants. Vince Young takes off running for it, and at the end of the play takes two simultaneous helmet-to-helmet hits from Giant defenders that also may have been late.Â Young was absolutely belted in the head… it was a little sickening to watch.Â But he’s up, and that’ll be 15 yards and a Titan first down.
Randy Moss, in perhaps his most valuable contribution to the Raiders this year, tucks in tackle Chad Slaughter’s jersey for him… had his hand down the side of his pants and everything. He then wipes his hand on Slaughter’s jersey afterwards… to wipe off the gay juice, I suppose.
I don’t know what the numbers say… but Pac Man Jones is one of the best punt returners in the league. He has moves on top of moves, and a sixth sense about where to go with the football. He’s like Deion Sanders, if Deion Sanders was a bad-ass.
Vincent Jackson, YOU DUMB FUCK. He just caught a brilliant 4th-and-2 thread-the-needle throw from Phil Rivers… got up and threw the ball down in that little twisty motion designed to make it spin… all without anyone touching him. Antonio Gates just walked up to him and hit him on the arm, like “What the fuck, man?”
Tom Brady tucks the ball and runs… and Brian Urlacher has him lined up in space, one-on-one, Brady in the open field vs. Urlacher…. and Brady breaks his ankles. Incredible. And Brady said something to Urlacher after the play… whatever it was, it looked friendly, but Urlacher was pissed. He’s embarrassed right now, as he should be. Tom Brady just Barry Sanders’d him.
Somehow, the officials are going to give the Chargers the ball here after that Vincent Jackson play. The sound isn’t on that game, and I can’t hear what’s going on… but I think ref Mike Carey said something about an illegal forward pass. I dunno… but we have the ball and a first down and the Raiders can suck me. Vincent Jackson can now be allowed to live.
The Titans, down 21-0 at the half, appear to be serious about this comeback attempt. Mathias Kiwanuka chases down Vince Young, and has him wrapped up… and just lets him go. He willfully let the man go. I guess he thought Young threw the ball and was afraid of being penalized… I dunno. You play to the whistle, Kiwi.
And here’s a little pitch out to LaDainian Tomlinson… the Raiders defense swarms to him, as they’ve been doing all day… and he hits a wide open Antonio Gates for the touchdown. Perfect play call right then.
According to The Juice, Tom Coughlin just screamed something at Kiwanuka that ended with, “…you FUCK.”
Rex Grossman’s 4th quarter passer rating on the year: 23.2. The only one worse is Andrew Walters.
Vince Young drops a touchdown pass into Brandon Jones… and we’ve got a tie game. Vince Young has done it here in the second half with his arms and his legs. I don’t know if I’m ready to say yet that he’ll be a great NFL quarterback, but… what he’s done here in the second half is exactly what he did to USC in the Rose Bowl. I hate to go all John Madden on you, but… some guys are just football players. Vince Young, today, is a great football player.
You know who else is a great football player today? Pac-Man Jones. On the Giants first play after the Titans tied it up, he baited Eli Manning into a throw, and then made a leaping interception. Spectacular contributions from Pac-Man today.
And now the Titans have the ball at the 50-yard line with :23 seconds to play. Call Pete Carroll and ask him if he thinks Vince Young is going to get the Titans into field goal range here.
The kick is up… and it is good. The Titans have beaten the Giants, despite trailing 21-0 at halftime. Games like this are the reason that, as a fan, you stick with a bad football team. A great comeback, all kinds of heart, two outstanding young players in Young and Pac-Man… that’s gotta feel outstanding. As a sports fan, you probably only get two or three games in your life that feel as good as that one had to feel to Titans fans.
San Diego and New England are going to finish off their wins, too. And what looked like a very unpromising slate of afternoon games turned out to feature some outstanding football. The Titans 2nd-half comeback today was probably the most thrilling thing I’ve seen in the NFL this year that didn’t involve my own favorite team.