Week 13 – 2006/2007

Sign in the background for the Fox pregame outside of Giants Stadium: “IT’S ALL A-ROD’S FAULT.” I’m not sure if that guy’s trying to be funny, or if he actually thinks that’s true.

The Bills/Chargers game is underway, and the Bills won the toss and elected to receive. The opening kickoff is taken by a large fellow wearing #75. The kick was short, but it wasn’t that short. #75 was back there with the guys just in front of the returners. He kind of caught the ball on a knee, and one of the little guys behind him ran up to him and was telling him to get up and run. He looked up at him like, “Do I have to?” 0 yard return for Buffalo.

From 23 yards out, Charlie Frye throws to Braylon Edwards in the endzone… and Edwards goes up after it and snatches it out of the sky in front of two defenders. That looked like a young Keyshawn Johnson catch right there.

Apparently, the refs have new special cold weather pants. They’re wearing them in Buffalo. They’re black, sort of puffy, and have a big bold white stripe down the sides. It’s amazing how we I’ve taken ref pants for granted for so long. Seeing refs in black pants makes this entire game look different. Everything’s thrown out of whack when the white polyester nuthuggers aren’t out there. I’ll be honest, I miss them.

The Redskins are just mowing through Atlanta on their first drive of the game. It’s TJ Duckett, it’s Ladell Betts, it’s Jason Campbell… the Redskins offense hasn’t looked this good since Joe Gibbs was alive.

Jason Campbell is celebrating a touchdown with Ladell Betts. The Juice observes, “Jason Campbell’s a big dude. Either that, or Ladell Betts is a fucking circus midget.” Why’s he have to be in the circus, man? He can’t just be your average little person?  Messed up.

For the second straight week, the Bills game is blacked out in Buffalo, because they didn’t sell enough tickets… and I think it’s because all those motherfuckers are here. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I’m surrounded by about 20 damn Bills fans.

Hey, it’s a Peerless Price sighting. Haven’t heard much from that guy lately. He caught a J.P. Losman pass… and now he’s hurt. It was nice seeing you, Peerless.

Shawne Merriman records his first sack since he was framed for using steroids. The Juice suggests that he replace his old sack celebration dance (which is exceedingly lame) by getting up and making like he’s shoving a needle into his ass.

That kind of joke is uncalled-for because Shawne Merriman is a guy who could use our support to get through this difficult time in his life.

I don’t think Ed Hochuli likes the new ref pants. They don’t adequately show off the definition in his thighs. Folks, the Hoch does not spend all day on the leg press machine for you to not notice his bulging quads.

The Juice also shares a story about out friend Dirty, who stayed at The Juice’s place last night… Dirty peed on his floor. Just sitting there, shitfaced, using the phone, and he spontaneously began to urinate. The Juice says he “treated him like a dog and rubbed his nose in it.”

This is becoming the year of the bad-ass punt return. This week, it’s Devin Hester again. He goes right, nothing there. Goes left, nothing there, either. Looks back to the right, still nothing, and he says to himself, “Alright, fuck it, I’ll go left.” And he breaks a few tackles, weaves through defenders, and blazes to the endzone. Guy is amazing.

Two odd scores early in the going here: Jets lead Green Bay, 24-0… and the Lions lead the Patriots, 7-3. I guess the Jets score is less odd, because Green Bay is so atrocious, but I didn’t think the Jets were the type of team to score 24 quick points on anyone. As for the Lions and Patriots… I’m at a total loss to explain that one.

Our waitress this week is going to one day be my wife. She’s not the walking display case of ass that waited on us last week… she’s different. She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s friendly. We’re going to be married. Right here, next week, in an 11 a.m. ceremony, so I can watch football and she can work her shift afterwards.  It’s going to be romantic as fuck.

For some reason, we’re discussing now why the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. According to The Greek, the Steelers tried it once in the 60s, and the Steelers lost that game, and Art Rooney believed that the cheerleaders were a distraction to the players. I thought it was because most of the Steelers were into men. And The Juice believes it’s because there are no attractive women in Pittsburgh. Three plausible theories, right there.  You’re not getting that anywhere else.

Again, #75 for the Bills takes the kickoff. That’s an odd strategy by the Bills special teams coach. “Hey, who do we want returning kicks? Roscoe Parrish? Nah. Hey, how about this Duke Preston character? What’s he go, about 6’5″, 320? Yeah, gimme him.” He is not making anyone forget Devin Hester.

Yikes. And Jason Campbell has the first Plummer moment of his career. In the process of being sacked, he decides to just chuck the ball blindly at the stomach of Falcons defensive lineman Chauncey Davis. Interception, and Chauncey Davis begins running the other way.  He is not making anyone forget Duke Preston.

The Greek has ordered the chicken wings this week, and that’s not normally the sort of thing I would mention, but… eating them is causing sweat to pour from his face like Shaq in the fourth quarter. There’s sweat on his forehead, behind his ears, dripping onto the table… this is bizarre. He’s a fountain right now. These wings aren’t even hot. My bride-to-be comes by and he asks her, “Can I get some water? I’m having a wing problem.”

Who is this Derek Anderson character playing quarterback for the Browns? Unless this guy has the ability to switch races on cue, and also plays sparingly as a two-guard for the Charlotte Bobcats, I’ve never heard of him.

Santana Moss, by the way, is just killing DeAngelo Hall today. I like those Reebok commercials where Peyton Manning and Torry Holt and Steve Smith tell their story about when they knew they were good enough to play in the NFL… and DeAngelo Hall, in his spot, says something about being the fastest guy at a camp, despite being only 15 years old, and that’s how he knew he was good. I think he might have been confusing “good” with “fast.” I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, but he could be a guy that’s fast enough and talented enough to make some mind-blowing plays, but not technically sound enough to prevent a veteran receiver like Santana Moss from abusing him one-on-one.

When the Bills wear their throwback uniforms, as they are this week (and should every week), the NFL should give Ko Simpson a special XFL exemption and let him put his first name or something else on the back of his jersey. Seeing the name “Simpson” on the back of a Bills throwback… well, let’s just say that I don’t think the Goldman family is able to watch a lot of Bills games.

Jim Leonhard has a nice punt return for the Bills, getting deep inside Chargers territory. Immediately after the runback, a Bills fan is overhead saying, “Yeah, he’s white!” without even a little bit of irony in his voice. To quote myself, Billy Hoyle style, from last week’s Smorgasbord…

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but the cheers are always just a liiiiiittle bit louder for a white kick returner.

Rex Grossman is currently 3-of-12 for 0 yards and 3 interceptions. I tried to compute his quarterback rating on the Windows Calculator, and blue smoke started coming out of my laptop.

By the way, this is an odd little stat: Buffalo’s special teams units rank at or near the top of about every possible statistical category. I guess it’s just offense and defense that give them trouble.

They did just make this game 17-14, though. Which makes me uncomfortable.

And now the Lions have recorded a safety on New England… this is just getting bizarre. What’s the deal with the Patriots? Regardless of whether or not they come back to win this thing, how am I supposed to believe the Patriots are that good when they’re struggling with the Lions at home?

Jerrious Norwood breaks off a beautiful long run again the Redskins… He put a couple of sweet jukes on Redskins defenders to break past the first and second levels, and then streaks down the sideline, before turning the end of the play into a personal lowlight reel for Carlos Rogers. Touchdown, Falcons.

I can’t currently see this game, but… the Titans and Colts are tied 17-17. The Titans appear to be officially decent.

Kansas City, with the game tied late, tries to get a drive going to get a winning field goal. They end up fumbling the ball to the Browns in their own territory, setting the Browns up for a gift win. Unfortunately, Derek Anderson and his .357 field goal percentage throw an interception right back to the Chiefs on the next play.

And how about Rob Bironas coming through with a 60-yarder to win the game for the Titans in regulation? The Titans just beat the Colts… raise your hand if you saw that coming a month ago. And while we’re on the subject, what is it with Merrill Hoge’s outright disdain for Vince Young? It’s like Hoge is personally offended that Young is making plays, because it makes Hoge’s pre-draft Vince Young predictions look stupid.  Really, check out Hoge sometime this week if you get a chance.  Someone will bring up Vince Young, and he’ll start frothing at the mouth.  I bet he has a Vince Young Fathead on his living room wall, and every night before he goes to bed, he looks at it and screams, “YOU SUCK.”

Former Texans GM Charlie Casserly is in the CBS studios at halftime, and I think he looks like a young(er) Lou Carneseca.

My waitress/wife walks by and accidentally spills some water on herself. The Greek says something to her, and she says, “Oh, it’s OK. It’s not like spilling beer on myself, and it gets sticky and yucky, but I like it.” She is going to really enjoy our honeymoon.

You know, Charlie Casserly in the CBS studio… I’m digging him. He’s straightforward, plain, and informative. Which makes him about the exact opposite of everyone else on the CBS studio team.

The Chiefs and Browns are in overtime, and Derek Anderson takes off from the pocket on a scramble, and then performs one of the most akward and uncomfortable looking juke moves you’ll ever see. It looked more like he was having some kind of muscle spasm. He’s played admirably today, but… there are people in wheelchairs with better mobility.

There’s a Dolphins fan here on a first name basis with every Dolphins player. About every 20 seconds, he’ll scream, “Let’s go, Joey!” or “Let’s go, Sammy!” or “Let’s go, Olindo!” I guess that’s something that a lot of fans do, but… this guy’s taken it to another level.

Ben Roethlisberger is flushed from the pocket on a 3rd down, and takes off for the sticks… he’s forced out of bounds about a yard short.  Without breaking stride, he looks at Bill Cowher and says, “We’re going,” and turns around and goes back to the huddle. I guess it’s just as well that Ben’s making the decisions now, since Cowher resigned weeks ago.


He’s not dead. I repeat… Crazy Fish Guy is not dead. If you’re a new reader, and you aren’t familiar with the legend of Crazy Fish Guy, I’ll try to paint a brief picture for you. He’s probably in his late 40s, he’s got black/gray hair that’s been cut and styled the same way since he was 12. He’s got a high-pitched voice with kind of a western Pennsylvania accent, and he’s always got a vacant smile on his face. When it’s warm out, he’s usually wearing a tight Dolphins t-shirt with pit stains, and when it’s cold out, he usually wears something he got from work. He loves to gamble and bet the over, because he likes to “cheer for points.” He carries a gambling sheet with him that looks like specs for the next Space Shuttle launch. He’s a friendly, unassuming, kind of goofy… I don’t know what the word is… he just doesn’t get out much, I don’t think. I really can’t accurately describe him for you in just a paragraph here. You’ll have to go back and check out the archives.

He’s made no contact yet, which is surprising. He either hasn’t spotted us, or he’s just a whole new Crazy Fish Guy. Usually, he comes over uninvited and says something like, “Yeah, I took the Vikings and the points today, but I know they’re gonna kill me,” and he’ll talk for another few minutes until I have nothing else to say to him and just feel uncomfortable.  I used to live for that.

CBS shows the new Raiders defensive coordinator, who’s running things from upstairs in the booth. His elbows are on the table, his eyes are pointing down to the floor, and he’s rubbing his forehead. He acts like that job is stressful or unpleasant in some way. Strange.

And my waitress/wife’s shift has ended… both as my waitress and as my wife. We’ll see if we can’t pick up next week.

There’s a woman down on the sidelines in the Raiders game. I don’t know who she is… a camera woman or stadium staff or something. She’s down, and she’s not moving. Randy Moss comes over to check on her. Either that, or to attempt to feel her up while she lays there unconscious.

I can’t get Crazy Fish Guy to make eye contact with me. This is fucking weird… usually, we can’t get the guy to leave us alone. Now he’s playing hard to get.

The Dallas Cowboys are playing a fullback right now that’s played three games this year for them at linebacker. Between him and Mike Furrey, the NFL’s going to a new trend of two-way players. Gordie Lockbaum missed his era. If the NFL decides to adopt Arena Football rules for a week, I like the Lions and Cowboys to dominate.

Curious about how things are going for new Raiders offensive coordinator John Shoop? It’s 4th and 43 for the Raiders. That’s how things are going for new Raiders offensive coordinator John Shoop.

Alright, it’s time. I’ve got to touch base with Crazy Fish Guy, and this is the first time that anyone from our little group has ever sought him out, as opposed to him seeking us out. I’m going to the bathroom, and on the way, I’m going to stop and talk to him. Here goes.

I walk over to his table, and pat him on the shoulder, smile and say, “Hey, what’s up, man.” Unfortunately, I picked a moment when his mouth was full of burger. I didn’t really time this well. I got flustered. He said something that I think was a garbled, “How you doin’, buddy,” but I’m not sure. I bailed.

Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but Ben Roethlisberger’s hurt. He went down pretty hard on his knee there.

The Greek: “David Carr has fumbled the last three times he’s touched the ball. I’d recommend handing off.”

Roethlisberger’s fine, by the way. Refs who do Steelers games should get one extra official’s timeout per game, where they can stop the game and say, “Official’s time. Ben Roethlisberger needs some attention. Will one of you stupid whores in a Roethlisberger jersey please scream, ‘I LOVE YOU, BEN’? (pause) Thank you. First down.”

It’s kind of hard to watch football right now. Every single one of these games has sucked balls. Two of them, Pittsburgh/Tampa Bay and Houston/Oakland, are worthless just because of the participants. The other is Miami/Jacksonville, which I also don’t care a lot about. And the afternoon’s marquee game, Cowboys/Giants has been extremely sloppy and unpleasant.

There’s a fumble in that Giants/Cowboys game, and Giants fullback Jim Finn dives into the pile after it’s been formed, without the football. It looks like a particularly vicious pile, but Finn dives in anyway, and about 20 seconds later, he’s out… with the ball in his hands. Jim Finn strikes me as the kind of guy who just doesn’t care what happens to him in that pile. “Oh, you’ve got your fist in my ass? Do you think Jim Finn gives a damn? Knock yourself out, pal, I’m getting this football.”

Maurice Jones-Drew breaks through the line and gets into the endzone for the Jags. He then does some hula dance in the endzone… which is something I’ve seen players do when lobbying for a spot in the Pro Bowl.  MJD 2.0 is having a good year, but… he can’t possibly believe he’s going to the Pro Bowl, can he?

Here’s Bruce Gradkowski with the Bucs in the red zone, to try to cut the Steelers lead to three… and that’s going to be intercepted. It’s odd to watch two teams that are both kind of bad, but for entirely different reasons. With the Steelers, there’s still a lot of talent there, so they could theoretically erupt from time to time. There’s a little bit of hope, at least for one decent game here and there. With the Bucs, that’s completely not the case. They are a bad team, from top to bottom, and there’s no chance whatsoever of them breaking character and being great for a week. The personnel just won’t allow it.

On that same note, don’t be fooled into thinking that this is one of those good weeks for the Steelers. It’s not. Roethlisberger is still running for his life on every play… they’re just playing a really bad team. Heath Miller catches a touchdown pass, making it 17-0… and you could keep playing this game for 2 straight weeks, and the Bucs aren’t scoring 17 points.

Gradkowski drops back to throw, and DeShea Townsend comes in untouched on a corner blitz… and Gradkowski just falls down in front of him. He completely turtled. He saw DeShea Townsend and intentionally fell backwards to avoid being hit. If that was Joey Porter… I could see it. DeShea Townsend struggled to break through that paper hoop when he led his team onto the field in high school.

Overheard from a Giants fan: “ELI SUCKS! GET JESSE PALMER BACK!” Wow. That’s not good, Eli. And it’s not particularly good for Jared Lorenzen, either.

And there’s a touchdown for Marion Barber, who’s roughly 300% better than Julius Jones.

Of course, the Giants are going to answer with a touchdown of their own, and it looks like this damn thing is going to overtime. Speaking of Plax, by the way, they showed a play earlier where Plax actually laid someone out on a block. Granted, it was after the play, and the guy was just standing there, and Plax got a 15-yard penalty for it… but he actively sought out contact, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen that before. I’d say that Michael Strahan really set him straight, except Michael Strahan denies saying anything negative about Plax, because there’s no room in the Giant locker room for that kind of negativity, Kelly Naqi, you fucking bitch.

Meanwhile, Jon Gruden has opted to kick a field goal in the closing seconds so that the Bucs can avoid the shutout. I’ll understand if you disagree, but… I think that’s kinda pussy. You’re down 17-0, you can’t win… let your team try for touchdowns. If you can’t earn one, you can’t earn one, and you have to deal with being shutout. I think the field goal is just hiding from the fact that you got shutout.

Well… here’s some drama. Martin Grammatica, on for the newly-released Mike Vanderjagt, is in to attempt a 46-yarder for the Cowboys. The Giants call a timeout to ice him, and now Grammatica is praying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before, and it doesn’t really give me a lot of confidence in Martin Grammatica. Here we go. The kick is up, and… by the beard of Zeus, he drilled that. He had 10 or 15 yards of distance to spare, and it positively split the uprights. Color me surprised, and give Bill Parcells credit for a great decision this week, cutting Vanderjagt and picking up Grammatica.

3 thoughts on “Week 13 – 2006/2007

  1. Be careful what you say MJD about the wife business. I saw a nurse one time in the ICU (Intensive Care Unit). I called up my best friend and told him I saw the best ass on a women ever, and that I am going to marry her.

    Well, after 24 years, she now calls up her best friend to say that I am the biggest ass ever, and she wants to divorce me.

    Kidding. About the divorce part. I am an ass though….

  2. Shawne Merriman? Help him through this difficult period of life?

    I wann help Priest Holmes through his difficult period of life, after his career was destroyed by a steroid-bloated Charger linebacker.

  3. the list of the people i hate on the giants goes like this(im a jets/redskins fan by the way)
    1.tom coughlin
    4.everyone else
    to plaxico’s credit however in the game about the falcons there was a ball picked be DeAngelo Williams i believe, and plaxico blindsided him, but that was not until after he undid his chin straps and starting walking away. somewhere along the line a coach forgot to tell him what playing until the whistle means, he was under the impression that it means play until you fuck up, which is most of the time.

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