I don’t know if they do this every week, but Fox’s pre-game show likes to send Pam Oliver out to do interviews with a particular team, and the general tone of the Pam Oliver interviews I’ve seen is something like, “Hey… you suck. Tell me why, asshole.” She’s downright mean sometimes. If she tried that when Warren Moon was in the league, she’d get clocked in the mouth.
Near the end of the show, the Fox guys are talking about the Bengals and their penal issues, who’s to blame, etc… and Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long make bland points about how it’s on the organization to not bring in bad seeds, blah blah blah. Terry Bradshaw chimes in to say, “I disagree with all of this, and there’s no one on this set who doesn’t go out and have a few beers.” Like the one time Chris Henry was charged with possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of a firearm, aggravated assault with a firearm, and having a few beers. Or the time AJ Nicholson was charged with burglary, grand theft, vandalism, and having a few beers. Or the time police had to taser Matthias Askew after he head a few beers. Good point, Terry.Â I think Bradshaw is setting us up so that no one will think it’s that big of a deal when he gets caught with an 11-year-old Thai hooker.
Michael Strahan is in a new Subway commercial with Jared, one that ends with them sharing a hearty belly laugh, and I’d like to tell you something about the forced chemistry between the two, and about how it’s a weird, uncomfortable, commercial… but I can’t. I completely buy that Strahan and Jared are pals. Nothing in the world makes more sense to me.
By the way, the mood in here today is a little odd. There aren’t many people in the bar, and a lot of the ones that are here are a little bit older. It’s a little library-ish.Â This could be a boring Smorgasbord. Just thought you should know ahead of time.
Joe Buck and Pam Oliver leave the Fox set, and they’re rushed into the stadium on the back of the injury cart… you know, that comes out onto the field to whisk away guys who tear their ACLs. They seem pretty comfortable snuggled up together in the back of that thing, like it’s not the first time they’ve shared close quarters. I bet Pam Oliver goes into interview mode afterwards. “Can you tell me why it’s so small, Joe? Can you explain to me why you lasted ninety seconds? Tell me, Joe. Why are you crying?Â What’s wrong with you, Joe Buck?Â This never happened with your father.” And then they do it all again next week.
Jeff Garcia’s feeling pretty good about himself, and he opens up the game with a long ball to… well, into the middle of three Redskin defenders. Quarterbacks need confidence, but there are some quarters for whom too much confidence can be a dangerous thing. Take what’s there, Jeffy.
I’ve chosen our table this week based on where the Dolphins are playing, in the hopes of another Crazy Fish Guy sighting. No luck yet.
Ladell Betts is running well this afternoon. The Redskins are spreading out that Eagles d-line, and there are huge holes for Betts. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but I don’t think Clinton Portis would be hitting those holes quite as hard as Betts. He makes one read, and then barrells downhill. The Redskins do not need Clinton Portis.Â They should trade him for Champ Bailey.
I don’t know if it’s new, but this is the first time I’ve seen the Matt Hasselbeck Chunky Soup commercial. Matt Hasselbeck’s mom… she would get plowed. I voice this opinion, and The Greek says that’s not his real mom. So Matt Hasselbeck’s fake mom… she would get plowed. And let’s be honest, chances are, his real mom would, too.
I think Lawrence Tynes just made a field goal that he didn’t get credit for.
Brad Johnson is starting for the Vikings today, which I find baffling. He’s been one of the worst quarterbacks in the league over the past month, they’ve got a talented rookie in Tavaris Jackson, and he’s finally healthy enough to play… why let him rot on the bench while 38-year-old Brad Johnson rots on the field?
Of course, Brad Johnson goes out there today like he’s John Elway and completes every damn pass he throws. The drive ends with a Brad Johnson running touchdown, a particularly poignant “fuck you” to me and to the Smorgasbord. Point taken, Brad Johnson.
The Juice tells us that he’s shaken a hand that’s slapped Jennifer Lopez’s ass… I guess he knows some guy who dated her when she was a dancer on In Living Color. You can’t tell anything from smelling The Juice’s hand, though.
Tom Brady’s bitching out a teammate on the sidelines. Not sure who. If Crazy Fish Guy was here, he’d love this. He’d say something like, “Ha, look at that Brady, hollerin’ at somebody. He’s a helluva quarterback, though, like Marino. I shoulda took the under in this one.”
And all the sudden, Jeff Garcia’s caught fire, and the Eagles are up 14-3 on the Redskins. This is not the direction this game looked to be heading… after the first five minutes, it looked like Jeff Garcia was sliding back into Jeff Garcia mode, and that Ladell Betts would just punish the Eagles all day. They haven’t stopped Betts yet, but they’re still up 14-3. Jason Campbell’s killing the Redskins.
Apparently, Brad Johnson and Artose motherfucking Pinner are the new John Elway and Terrell Davis. The Vikings are an unstoppable offensive juggernaut right now. I guess the Lions are letting Matt Millen coordinate the defense these days. Brad Johnson has been very sharp to this point.
Christ, it’s like Brad Johnson is out to ruin my day. Every time I make a note about him, he responds by immediately doing the opposite of whatever I just said. Jamar Fletcher just took an interception 88 yards to the house for the Lions.
Larry Johnson finally finds some running room against the Ravens, and rips off about a 40-yarder. At the end of it, he decided to give Samari Rolle a punch to the face, disguised as a stiff-arm. Whatever it was, it was effective. Rolle wanted no part of him after that.
Donte Stallworth scores for the Eagles, making it 21-3. He celebrates by stretching and rubbing his hamstrings. I don’t know if he’s making light of the fact that he’s injured so often (if so, good one!) or if he honestly believes it’s a good idea to stretch right now. Regardless, he has a way to go before he can be considered a master of the touchdown celebration, or an NFL player that isn’t fragile.
Ravens defensive lineman Trevor Pryce is a sweet man. He’s got Trent Green dead to rights in the Chiefs backfield, and he wraps Green up, and then sort of gingerly puts him on the ground. “Okay, Trent, I’ve got ya. Ready to be sacked? Heeeeere we go. Here we go, buddy. Easy, now… steady as she goes. Okay, and you’re down. Now let me help you up, man. Your hip okay? Alright. Hey, tell your wife she bakes a hell of an apple pie, okay? You be careful out here.”Â That was a touching act of brotherhood.
And then Trevor Pryce was penalized 15 yards for roughing the quarterback.
No he wasn’t. But if the NFL is going to be so ape-shit insane about penalizing guys for scowling at quarterbacks, they should probably recognize Trevor Pryce in the company newsletter for being so gentle with Trent Green.
I’m not seeing this game, but apparently, Fred Taylor and MJD 2.0 are both going bananas on the Colts in the first half.
And Jones-Drew just took the second-half kickoff to the house to give the Jags a 31-10 lead. There’s your AFC offensive player of the week.
Jason Campbell finally makes a good throw for the Redskins, dropping one in to Randle-El with absolute perfection. Touchdown, Redskins, and the fact that they’re still alive in this game speaks to the low quality of football being played here.
Eagles receiver Reggie Brown watches a Jeff Garcia pass bounce off his hands. Garcia’s pissed off, flailing his arms about in anger. If Jeff Garcia tried to bitch out another player, would anyone be able to take him seriously? “Hey, get your head in the game and focus! You should’ve caught that ball, goddamit.” “What are you going to do, Jeff, knit me a sweater two sizes too small? Go get Donovan a milkshake and leave me alone.”
There’s a guy here in a Patriots jersey with his own name across the back. I haven’t seen a jersey that pussy in this bar since last season… back then, there was a guy nancing around in a Pats jersey that read “DANKS” across the back.
Note: I don’t actually believe you’re a pussy if you put your own name across the back of your jersey. I don’t think it’s something I’d do, but I understand the logic. Danks, though, remains a pussy.
Here’s why the Colts are winning nothing this year: David Garrard currently has 42 yards passing in the third quarter, and the Colts trail, 34-10.
Lady E is being driven nuts by the Jessica Simpson DirecTV commercial. Every time it comes on, her blood pressure skyrockets. She hates her face, the way she talks, the way she bounces her shoulders, her music. And The Juice explains to her, “That’s why the good Lord invented doggystyle.”
Note: I don’t think God actually invented doggystyle.
Shaun Swish ‘em, the guy who kicks for the Redskins now, makes his fourth field goal of the day and has the Redskins down just two.
The Titans, displaying some Jaguar-like inconsistency, are tied late with the Texans. I’m way on board the Titans bandwagon this year, but… for the sake of Mario Williams, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Texans pull this one out. I’d hate to see the guy develop inferiority complexes about both Reggie Bush and Vince Young.
Brian Westbrook rips off a long first-down run that’s going to wrap this one up for the Eagles. And at 7-6, it might seem like the Eagles should be feeling pretty good about their playoff chances, but I don’t think that’s the case. The Redskins should’ve won this game… not that the Eagles got screwed or anything, but if the Redskins sucked any less, they’d have won this game. The Giants are a much better bet to make the playoffs.
The Packers/49ers game is underway, and there’s a guy here that’s not only a big 49ers fan, but a big fan of calling attention to himself. He’s been coming here for a few years… not every week or anything, but when he’s here, he makes sure you know about it. Anyway, Frank Gore breaks through the line, and takes off towards the endzone. The guy jumps up and starts yelling at the top of the lungs (and again, the bar is very quiet today), “YES, FRANK GORE. YES, FRANK GORE. YES, FRANK GORE.” He’s marching around the room, and actually leaves the room to take his celebration out into the front… all before Frank Gore gets pushed out at the 1-yard line. Oops.
Note: This was the last we’d see of this guy today.
A highlight from the end of the Titans/Texans game shows Vince Young end it with a 39-yard touchdown run (eat cock, Merrill Hoge). Pac-Man Jones set up the field position with a ballsy kick return. If the Chargers aren’t so awesome, I’d almost with that I was a Titans fan right now. Watching those two every week… that’s gotta be fun.
Jay Cutler’s started the game 3-of-3 against the Chargers. For some reason, they’re giving him big cushions with the corners. You have to assume that Denver’s offensive philosophy in this game is to throw short passes, three-step drops, get the ball out quickly. I don’t understand the cushions.
A fellow named Ruvell Martin catches a wide open 36-yard touchdown pass from Brett Favre, and this Packers fan gets up and starts yelling, “YES, FRANK GORE. YES, FRANK GORE.” And then when they add the extra point, he says, “Tack that on, and I’m gettin’ DRUNK tonight.”
Why there are fans that are still passionate about the 49ers or the Packers, I’m not sure.
And here’s a special news update, verbatim from the bathroom wall: Chucky is a bitch ass dogfucker. I bet they’re talking about Charlie Frye.
Philip Rivers lofts one up for Antonio Gates, just across the goal line, and he goes up and gets it over Champ Bailey and Darrent Williams. I hate to be the guy who harps about Antonio Gates’ basketball background helping him as a football player, but that did look very much like going up and getting a rebound over smaller guys.
This was my favorite play of the day: From the Denver four-yard line, the Chargers run kind of a fumblerooskie for Lorenzo Neal. I’m still not even sure how Neal got the ball… I think Rivers held it behind his back while faking like he was giving it to Tomlinson. Lo Neal ends up plowing into the endzone for the touchdown, and then CBS cameras catch Marty Schottenheimer saying, “That’s fucking crazy.” Something tells me Marty didn’t draw that one up.
And here’s how that play came to be in the huddle:
Phil Rivers: Alright, we’re gonna go I-Right, thirty-two–
Bad Lo: NOOOOOOOOOO.
Good Lo: Oh, please don’t do this…
Phil Rivers: What’s the problem, Lo?
Bad Lo:: FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL. FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL.
Phil Rivers: I really don’t think that’s the best idea right now, Lorezno.
Good Lo:: I concur.
Bad Lo:: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH. FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL.
Phil Rivers: (sighs, shaking his head, looking around the huddle) Fuck it, guys you want to?
LaDainian Tomlinson: (shrug)
Phil Rivers: Alright, fumblerooskie to Lorenzo Neal. Any particular snap count, Lo?
Bad Lo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH.
Phil Rivers: On three.
Bad Lo: (repeated, as the Chargers break the huddle, as they line up for the play, screaming at Broncos defenders, again and again, until the ball is snapped) FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL. FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL.
Donald Driver scores for the Packers. From the afore-mentioned Packers fan: “FUCK FRANK GORE.”
Phil Rivers, who has been spectacular today, sets up a LaDainian Tomlinson touchdown with a beautiful deep ball to Eric “When You Gonna Let Me Fuuuuuck, Miss” Parker. That’s Tomlinson’s 27th TD on the year, and Shaun Alexander’s record might be falling this afternoon.
After finishing up the first half by completing 1 out of last 9 passes, Jay Cutler comes out to start the third quarter blazing. He equals his entire first half output on the first drive, and hits some douchebag rookie tight end in the endzone. The Chargers then fumble the ensuing kickoff… and Cutler hits the same douchebag rookie tight end for another touchdown. The ball was headed directly towards Terrence Kiel… but the douchebag rookie tight end got his hand between Kiel’s hands, tipped the ball to himself, and made the play. That’s pretty nice work by the douchebag rookie tight end… and momentum has swung.
Just to give you a general idea of the mood in here right now… there’s a woman a few tables away knitting. I’m not kidding. There is knitting going on here today.
And the Chargers punt. I don’t know what happened at halftime in the Chargers locker room, but it did not have a positive effect on the Bolts. I think Marty was just like, “Hey, you guys have this thing won. Who wants to watch a home porno VHS tape of me giving it to the wife, huh? Howie, fire up that tape machine. Check out my stroke here, boys.”
Note: I said that out loud in front of a child who couldn’t be older than 8. I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear. I should just take up knitting.
CBS has a shot of Jay Cutler’s parents, enjoying their view about five rows from the absolute top of Qualcomm Stadium. That’s the best you could do, Jay Cutler? “Hey, merry Christmas, mom. Enjoy your seat next to the drunk guy, caked in blue bodypaint, who’s calling your son a cocksucker after every other play.Â Make sure dad brings his knife.”
We’re fast-forwarding a bit here, because I haven’t been paying attention to anything. Tomlinson gets his record-tying 28th touchdown of the year, and to celebrate a fan, holds up his sign that reads, “Chargers Beat Broncos Silly.” When I start my own television network, I’m going to name it “IMGAYâ‡“” just to see if football fans keep making the signs.
I try not to mention fantasy stuff here in the Smorgasbord, but I think this one’s worthwhile. The Greek desperately needs LaDainian Tomlinson to be done for the day. He’s playing against him, and the only thing that can beat him is a monster day from Tomlinson. So there are just over three minutes to go in the game, and The Greek assumes that Tomlinson is done for the afternoon.. and as soon as the words leave his mouth, Shawne Merriman gets around an offensive lineman, gets to Cutler, and forces a fumble inside the Broncos 10. And here comes Tomlinson…
TOUCHDOWN! That’s the record-setter, gifted to Tomlinson by Shawne Merriman. The linemen have Tomlinson up on their shoulders… this would be a nice little moment for me, if I wasn’t sitting two feet away from a guy who put a cigarette out in his own eye.