Week 01 - 2005/2006

Posted on Sunday 11 September 2005

Welcome back to the NFL and welcome back to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord here on themightymjd.com. It’s great to have you back and all, but I’m going to need like half of you to stop watching the NFL. The popularity of this thing is getting out of hand. The sports bar is packed. I haven’t seen this many asshole frat guys this excited since Britney Spears turned 18. I got here at 11:45, and there was not a table to be had in the front room. There’s a whole new group of fans here that don’t recognize.

The good news is that the sports bar has done a little remodeling and brought in 5 big-screen HDTVs, and I’m considering moving in. Through my contributions over the years, I’ve paid for like two of them. If I invested a little better on Sundays, I could have this set-up at home.
The NFL in general, with their pregame shows and highlight packages, can get pretty sappy and sentimental, and I’m usually not someone who goes for stuff like that. But watching Joe Horn going around the Superdome and giving out roses… hey, I’m not made out of wood. I’m not saying I cried or anything, but my eyes were acting strange.
Our waitress has an ass off of which I would not mind eating a plate of spaghetti. I mean, that thing is good. She’s got her little ordering pad stuck into the top of the back of her snug black little shorts, and if there was an item on the menu that read, “Sniff the waitress’s order pad,” they’d have a buyer.
Great news. There’s a little girl sitting at the table in front of us, and the waitress is bending over to talk to her. I love football season.
And yes, I feel like a dirty, lecherous old man.
I’ve seen some of stuff in HDTV before, but never for an extended period of time. Here’s my first major observation. We all know that everyone on TV wears makeup. And the makeup techniques that have been developed were for standard TVs. The proliferation of HDTV is going to make the development of some new methods necessary. Chris Berman looks like he is composed entirely of Turtle Wax, and Chris Mortensen, I believe, has embalming fluid running through his veins.
Between the anniversary of September 11th, Thomas Herrion, and Hurricane Katrina, I hope the NFL doesn’t forget to play some actual football today.
Out of nowhere, I feel a big meaty hand slap my back and a familiar voice in my ear. Oh, you know who it is…
Crazy motherfucking Fish Guy, baby.
He’s wearing his standard uniform… jeans, tight gray t-shirt (stained, too, by the way), and positively filthy Dolphins hat. He’s got at least three different pieces of paper that he’s using for gambling, and one of them looks more complicated than any textbook I currently own. I’ve got two tables pulled together, and he asks me if all the seats are taken. I tell him yes, I think they will be. He says he’ll just sit down until everyone else gets there (he doesn’t actually leave the table for about five hours).
Crazy Fish Guy calls his bookie, and I can’t hear everything, but I know he’s put some lumber down on the Fish and the Titans.
Ten minutes before gametime, this place is overflowing. People are standing in the back, like when the church is too full. I hope there’s some kind of a work stoppage or something in the NFL soon. I feel like too many people are on the bandwagon, and I’m not comfortable with it.
Crazy Fish Guy has entered Hour #2 of his call to his bookie.
My buddy Danks remarks that Greg Gumbel looks even whiter in HDTV. These TVs are so good that they see into the soul.
Randy Cross lists the keys to the game for the Titans, and one of them is, “Keep Steve McNair smiling.” Sammy asks if offensive linemen will be talking to him in the huddle and saying, “Hey, Steve, a rabbi, a priest, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar…”
Before the Redskins game at FedEx Field, there is a touching tribute for the anniversary of September 11th. Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are singing, and as always, the crowd is moved by the tender emotion and sincerity in their voices. LaVar Arrington is laughing while swaying back and forth and singing along, and I just yelled to Jessica Simpson, “I WANT TO SEE YOUR TITS.” It was a very somber and moving tribute.
Oh, these Bills uniforms are cash. I don’t think they’re permanent, but they’re the royal blue with the white helmets and red buffalo painted on the side. These are from the OJ era. If there was a trail of blood around the 15 yard-line, I could almost picture the Juice out there himself. Compared to the monstrosities that the Bills are currently sporting, these things are majestic in their beauty.
The games kick off, and someone almost immediately yells, “GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM, GET ‘EM,” the instinctive yell of the Redskins fan. I love that. “GET ‘EM” is the favorite saying of the clueless football fan. I’m not saying it’s never appropriate, but more often than not, it’s what’s said by people who follow the game according to only where the ball is. If the opponent has the ball, the only thought is about tackling him. If their team has the ball, the only thought is about running farther. This is football followed at the very basest level, and Redskins fans have perfected the art.
Man, even the yellow first-down line is crisper and sharper in HDTV. This is so awesome. In HDTV, if you look closely enough at the back of Patrick Ramsay’s jersey, it says “SHULER.”
There’s always one guy who has to stand up on any play that isn’t completely mundane. We get it, pal. You’re excited. You’re probably the biggest and most sincere fan in the universe, but please… sit the fuck down, buddy. You aren’t at home, and you aren’t the only one watching these TVs.
Some QBs are hot early. JP Losman is 8-of-9. Gus Frerotte hasn’t hurt himself yet. And Ben Roethlisberger is looking pretty sharp. Danks says, “I guess Ben Roethlisberger took the preseason off.” He pauses. “And the postseason.” Ouch.
Man, the Fish are giving it to the Broncos. Crazy Fish Guy is happy and chatty. He’s calling that the Dolphins are going to be the surprise team of the year. Hey, it’s as good a pick as the Bears, which seems to be pretty popular right now. He’s hoping for eight wins. Today, against the Broncos, it looks possible.
I think that NFL uniforms should be designed to look like the actual mascot of the team. For instance, the Bears should have to play in actual furry bear costumes, and walk around on all-fours. The Steelers should have to wear pure iron. The Giants should have to play on stilts. The Redskins wouldn’t be allowed to wear any pads at all; just otter fur, war paint, and racism.
By the way, Crazy Fish Guy, who’s real name I have no interest in knowing, who is at least 25 years older than anyone else at this table, is sitting with us, while Doug, a good friend, and even a family member to one of us, stands in the back. I don’t know how that happened.
Patrick Ramsay gets absolutely clotheslined by Bears defender Randy “Macho Man” Savage. I don’t think that’s legal, in football or in American society. That was just harsh. His eye is black and swelling up like he just went six rounds with Mike Tyson.
Willie Parker is getting it done, while Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley stand on the sidelines comparing retirement plans. Willie has over 100 total yards in the first half and has been fairly unstoppable so far.
Hey, Jerry Rice is in the studio for CBS’s pregame show. Man, he looks much younger with eye black and a football helmet on. I don’t know if retirement has been particularly stressful for him or what, but he doesn’t look well. He’s got miniature asscracks under his eyes, his mustache is just nasty, and a small Shetland pony could jump through either of his hoop earrings. Not an attractive fellow.
Gus Frerotte has completed 8 straight. There’s a sentence I didn’t think I’d be typing, ever.
The Redskins take a 3-0 lead. That might just win it for them.
Crazy Fish Guy calls his bookie back and puts some lumber down on the Chargers. That can’t be anything but good karma for the Bolts. By the way, Crazy Fish Guy, who clearly has a gambling problem, is soliciting advice from Danks and my buddy Doug, and he’s just blindly taking it. You’d think someone who does so much gambling experience would have a little better system than just asking the asshole sitting next to him at the bar.
In some kind of a halftime montage before the Redskins game goes to a commercial, there appears to be a clip of Roy Firestone singing. Did I see that correctly? Were they having a hard time booking someone for the national anthem? How did they get to Roy Firestone? “Well, Lee Greenwood’s booked, we can’t get Neil Young, Paul Simon’s on vacation… hey, I wonder if Roy Firestone can sing?”
Frisman Jackson gets on the board for the Browns. You can’t fuck with Frisman.
Willie Parker continues to be a beast. I mean, he’s just bouncing off defenders. Right now, he is the only running back in fantasy football having a good day. There is no close 2nd. I think Duce Staley just looked up “Jeff Gilooly” in the phone book.
Ben Roethlisberger, nicknamed “Mr. September” by a couple of the non-Steeler fans at the table, currently has a perfect quarterback rating.
When I’m hanging out with my boys, and I hear someone’s cell phone ring,and it’s playing some sissy song, I have a standard joke that I go to. I hear some girly little jingle, and I’m about to say, “Hey, some little girl’s cell phone is ringing,” when Crazy Fish Guy answered the phone in question.
For some reason, there’s a ton of Bills fans in the house today. Some Cowboys fan in the room is giving it to them, asking how many Super Bowls they’ve won, and then saying something about them getting the Cowboys’ “sloppy seconds.” That makes me laugh.
Steve McNair gets rocked. With HDTV, I believe I just saw his sternum crack. I remark that it’s mean to hit a frail old man that hard. Danks says it’s evidence that Pittsburgh is racist for sacking a black quarterback.
Hey, it’s a Tommy Maddox sighting. Danks asks if this is the first sign of a quarterback controversy in Pittsburgh.
Miami isn’t just beating Denver, they’re whooping some ass. Only Crazy Fish Guy and Nick Saban had any idea that this would happen.
Jake Plummer throws an interception, hitting a wide open Dolphin right in the numbers. And at the end of the play, he’s talking shit. What’s he saying? “Hey, I’m Jake Plummer, baby. Yeah, I threw an interception, and I’ll do it again. You doubt me? You watch, baby.” Plummer, by the way, has grown an outstanding porn moustache. I suggest that his nickname be changed from “The Snake” to “The Trouser Snake.”
I think that anyone who tackles Joe Horn clearly hates the victims of Hurricane Katrina.
The Broncos gets the ball back, and Jake Plummer, true to his word, throws another interception. You’ve got to admire his resolve and his willingness to stick to his style of play.
At some point in the 4th quarter, the Texans have 25 passing yards.
The Broncos get the ball back, and Jake Plummer throws and hits a Dolphins defender in the back. He’s throwing at Dolphins like it’s his job.
The Fish score again, and this is a route. Gus Frerotte has an incredible day. Do I hear a little bit of Frerotte MVP chatter? Hey, I’m glad I didn’t pick up the Broncos defense and start them today or anything.
John Carney hits a field goal for the Saints, and they get a win against the Panthers. I had a feeling this would happen. I don’t know if they can carry this momentum too deep into the season, but I think they probably went out today and had more focus than anyone. No team was happier to take the field than the Saints, and like everyone else, I’m glad they got this W.
Tough one for the Panthers fans, but keep your heads up, fellas. You can lean into the strike zone and take this one for the team.
And while we’re on the subject, CBS keeps showing this clip of people in the Astrodome watching the Saints win, and none of them look that happy. They just don’t. You know, you’ve heard a lot about how the people want the Saints to win the game for them, and that football can really be a good diversion, and for some people, I have no doubt that that’s true. But at the same time, maybe that’s something that we and the media tell ourselves to make us feel better about spending our entire Sunday doing this.
The Chargers game is about to get underway, and the Bills fans who were taking abuse from the Cowboys fans earlier have gotten on my side. Nice.
After the Chargers take an early 7-0 lead, the Cowboys commit penalties on five straight plays, or perhaps I should say attempted plays. Five straight. Chances are, they were going three-and-out anyway, so it doesn’t hurt them that much. At least not until Bill Parcells gets them in practice next week.
Now that Crazy Fish Guy has gone, my buddy Chris lets me know that as soon as Crazy Fish Guy sat down, he leaned back and stretched, revealing some massive pit stains. Crazy Fish Guy rolls in style.
Eli Manning connects with Jeremy Shockey on a nice TD strike against the Cardinals. Has there ever been a more loathsome combination to ever hook up for a touchdown? Did Ken Stabler ever throw a touchdown pass to Osama bin Laden?
Some fucking guy named Crayton keeps making big plays for the Cowboys. I have never heard of this man. It was cute for a few minutes, but it’s quickly losing it’s appeal. I hope someone stabs him in the leg soon.
Kurt Warner is making me look like a douchebag for doubting him. Still quite early, though.
Doug tells us that he went to a friend’s place last night, where they had a keg, but no cups. They also had no ice, and the keg had been sitting in someone’s trunk for the entirely of a pretty hot day. Undeterred, they drank hot beer out of mixing bowls. Yes, they are out of high school.
There’s a lone 49er fan here, and he’s excited. He’s jumping up and down, showing off a pretty good vertical, in fact. He’s like Crazy Fish Guy, except he’s young, black, capable of jumping, and not forcing his presence on me.
There’s a play where Cowboys douchebag Patrick “Who the fuck?” Crayton catches a pass, clearly got his hands under it, and had it ruled an incompletion. Crayton didn’t say a word, he just got up and went back to the huddle. He didn’t even shake his head. Joe Buck feels the need to compliment him for this, for some reason. They did eventually review it, but had the Chargers been quicker to the line of scrimmage, they wouldn’t have. He almost screwed himself out of a completion by not bitching, and Joe Buck thinks this is a good thing. I think the severe beating of Joe Buck would be a good thing.
San Francisco is following in the footsteps of Miami and laying wood to the Rams. This is just bizarre.
Luis Castillo is called for a bullshit roughing-the-passer call for rubbing up against Drew Bledsoe. My buddy AJ remarks that you can see Drew Bledsoe’s skirt showing from under his uniform, and adds that “his tampon string is really long.”
Not to go all Peter King on you, but here’s a couple of quick things. Darren Sproles might be the fastest dude in the NFL, and Joey Harrington might be the worst quarterback to ever wear a football uniform.
Drew Bledsoe is playing very well today. He looks 10 years younger… he’s playing like he’s 38.
Nationals 9, Redskins 9.
I’m ready to wrap this up. Losing because of defensive penalties on 3rd down, an 18-yard punt, and Quentin Jammer’s proclivity for grabbing jerseys… well, that’s no fun way to lose. Catch y’all next week.

the mighty mjd @ 8:39 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Championship Sunday - 2004/2005

Posted on Saturday 22 January 2005

I roll into the bar at about 2 p.m., and it’s already pretty full. There’s a little sign that says for fire code reasons or something, there aren’t supposed to be more than 99 people in here. By kickoff, it’ll be over 200. I might start a fire just to see what happens.

And the atmosphere is already pretty charged, too. This is an excited group of bargoers. I get there just in time to see Notre Dame’s starting douchebag, Chris Falls, hit a bullshit, off-balance, miracle three pointer to take a 1-point lead over Georgetown with like 4 seconds left. But the Hoyas aren’t playin’. Some little guy goes the length of the court in 3.5, dishes to a big man, who dunks it with no time left. G’Town by 1. I hate Notre Dame. Bitch-ass clover-wearing cocksuckers.
For some reason, I am currently listening to Vanilla Ice’s “Ice Ice Baby.” Interesting choice by the sports bar people, but I have to say… I gain a deeper appreciation for this song every time I hear it. The craftsmanship of the bassline, and the subtle intricacies and brilliant introspection in the lyrics… Vanilla had a special gift, my friends.
I wanna send out a shout-out to my homie Danks who won’t be joining us today. As you know, he’s a Patriots fan… and the rest of us, with me and one other guy being the only exceptions, are Steelers fans. The Steelers fans also have a tendency towards drunken rage, so… perhaps it’s best that Danks enjoys the games at home today.
This is cool. Every waitress in the place today is wearing a white road Ben Roethlisberger jersey.
This is not cool. The wing and beer specials that have existed every football Sunday to this point, are not in effect today. To me, those represent two major food groups, so this is a big deal. My health is at stake. Championship Sunday, the last day of real football, and they’re trying to break my pockets. I guess they gotta pay for those jerseys somehow.
I’m somewhat torn on who to root for in the early game. Actually, that’s not really accurate. I want with every fiber of my being to root against the Eagles, and try to relive last year’s glorious day of Eagle-hating. But my man Dirty is here today, and he’s an Eagles fan, and I want to respect that somewhat.
Eagles cheerleaders… are just inordinately hot. It doesn’t even make sense… there aren’t ten attractive women in the entire Philadelphia/South Jersey area, and if there are, they’re married to Camaro owners who won’t let them have jobs of their own. So I don’t get it. These women have to be imported.
There are Eagles fans here that remember us from last year. That’s awesome.
Dear general public: Please get tired of American Idol. If you’re still chuckling at the commercials that show someone butchering a song, and then someone reacting disapprovingly… please seek help. There have been about 827 different incarnations of those, and you haven’t gotten tired of them yet… you are not currently a worthwhile human being.
This place is loud, and I didn’t hear any explanation… but what was the deal with that kid who sang the national anthem in Philadelphia? He wasn’t a real good singer, and I was making fun of him… but then everyone started to cry. I have a feeling I’m going to feel like a huge asshole when someone fills me in.
But before I find out, just let me say this… If I was organizing the pregame festivities for the Eagles, I’d try to avoid things that would make my starting middle linebacker cry like a little girl right before kick-off.
The Falcons have an early 3rd and 7, and still, the Eagles have eight guys right up on the line of scrimmage. It’s clear that they want the arm of Michael Vick to be the focal point today.
It bothers the hell out of me when a football fan continually yells, “GET ‘EM!” It’s the primal call of the football fan who has no ability to really follow the game. For this fan, football boils down to the simple action of someone running, and someone chasing him. That’s it. Redskin fans are famous for it. And considering the style of play of the two quarterbacks and the large amount of Eagles fans (and thus, low level of football acumen) in the house today… I’m predicting that we’re going to hear the words, “GET ‘EM” quite a bit a lot today.
A Falcon gets called for illegal contact when he hits Todd Pinkston in the face. Chris says, “Is there any point to punching Todd Pinkston in the face? Punching him in the arm would probably hurt more.”
There’s this guy sitting at himself at the table next to us… and I hate him. I don’t even have a reason to. He’s lonely, and he’s talking AJ’s ear off… he’s like a lame version of Crazy Fish Guy. There is only supposed to be one sad middle-aged loner in here, and that’s my man CFG. This guy doesn’t have pit stains, an immutable goofy smile, a tight t-shirt, or a gambling problem… I want to punch him in the face.
The Eagles get on the scoreboard first when Dorsey Levens get pushed into the endzone by an offensive lineman, which, by the way, is illegal. Says my man Dirty, the Eagles fan… “We were up last year, too.” Someone’s scared.
Some fan at The Linc has a Freddie Mitchell UCLA jersey. Man, I hope that guy is related to Freddie Mitchell. What kind of a loser goes out of their way to buy a Freddie Mitchell college jersey? I just can’t imagine. Does this same guy also have a Mike Mamula Boston College jersey?
The Eagle linebackers are playing excellent football. The Falcons offensive line is controlling the Eagles defensive line… but the linebackers are playing disciplined, filling their gaps, and always, always, always, making the tackle. It’s a very good unit.
Close-up of Freddie Mitchell with the stat underneath: 0 catches. Fox is acting as if this is a surprise. What’s next, a shot of Donovan McNabb, with “WEARING THE COLOR GREEN” flashing underneath?
Alge Crumpler hauls in about a 30-yarder near the goal line. Brian Dawkins hit him hard. Eagles fans react as if Lenny Dykstra just had Dr. J’s lovechild, and that child led the Flyers to a Stanley Cup victory. Whatever… if it looks pretty on TV, cheer for it, I guess.
Warrick Dunn waltzes into the endzone for the Falcons. Nate stands up, puts his hands around his mouth like a megaphone and starts screaming, “SUCK A DICK! SUCK A DICK!” to all the Eagles fans in the room.
It’s 14-10 at halftime. The Eagles offense is moving well. The Falcons seem like they can move the ball a little bit, too. I think the onus is on the Falcons D to get something done in the second half. If Philadelphia comes out and scores first, and makes it 21-10… playing defense for the Eagles gets a lot easier.
The Fox Skycam is really great for kickoffs, especially if you have no interest in knowing where the ball carrier is, or at what yard-line the tackle is made.
And this is bad. For the Eagles, Brian Westbrook is hitting the corners like Pinky’s chauffer in Next Friday. He’s picking up massive chunks of yardage.
My man Dirty, Eagles superfan… is actually leaving the bar to go… well, do something illegal that involves greenery. And no, he’s not holding up a greenhouse. It’s a 10-point game, the Eagles are on the verge of finally accomplishing what they’ve choked on for the past three seasons… and he’s taking off. I can’t respect that.
And a fan gets on the field… nice. The security makes a textbook hit on him. I think he even wrapped up. Fox, of course, quickly pans away from the action, and I feel ripped-off. I want to see things like that. Showing it doesn’t encourage anyone to do it in the future… people have been doing that since sporting events have existed, and will continue to do it forever. Just let us see the drunk guy get the billy club.
As the fourth quarter starts, I see no indication that the Falcons can do what is necessary to win this game. The defense can’t get them the stops they need. Offensively, they can run the ball, but not well enough that 8-in-the-box can’t stop it. And Michael Vick can’t take advantage of the 8-in-the-box. If the Falcons are going to win this game, it will have to be because of a Michael Vick miracle. Two of them, in fact.
11:29 on the clock, Falcons take possession, down 14. Last chance.
And that sack by Burgess will end the game. Amazing play by Derrick Burgess.
And that caps a cool, efficient, confident performance by the Eagles. I’m impressed. I didn’t think they could stop the Falcons running game, but they did. Of course, Michael Vick made it pretty easy for them… but still, Jeremiah Trotter and company played an outstanding game. The Eagles are better than I’ve given them credit for.
There’s this girl sitting in front who’s been a loud Eagles fan all day. As the game clock winds down, she starts doing the E-A-G-L-E-S fan that Eagles fans do, to prove that they can spell at least one word. Nate yells at her, “GO BACK TO JERSEY, YOU DIRTY SLUT.” I’m fearing trouble from the guys she’s sitting with, but they do nothing except laugh and start calling her a dirty slut, too. Probably a wise move… a drunken Nate, a half hour before the Steelers play in an AFC Championship game, isn’t losing a fight to too many people on the planet.
Freddie Mitchell’s hair… man, he’ll do anything for attention. He’s like a more obnoxious Terrell Owens, except, you know… without all the skill and physical ability.
Jim Mora flips out towards the end of the game, rips his microphone thing off, spikes it to the ground, and stomps on it.
Dirty: He’s going to have to pay for that.
Chris: Good to see he’s got a little bit of his dad in him.
Well, congratulations, Eagles fans. I mean, fuck you… But congratulations.
So now, all the Steelers have to do is go through the Patriots and Eagles in consecutive weeks. Fortunately, they have some experience with that… it worked out pretty well for them in Weeks 7 and 8.
This place is full of Steelers fans… it’s exciting. It feels like the preliminary fights are over, and we’re about to see Tyson/Holyfield. It’s what everyone has been waiting for.
And an epic national anthem performance by… whoever that girl was. She was about 11 or 12 years old, but man, she could wail. With the fireworks, and the atmosphere… that was an electric performance. Says Doug, “She looks like Jason Williams.”
Hey, it’s my girlfriend. The new one, from this year… I haven’t seen her forever. I don’t think she’s been working Sundays. I don’t know WHAT that crazy bitch has been up to… I think it’s time to cut her loose. So I see her, and I lay one of these on her… courtesy of my man Ice Cube. MJD is once again available, ladies.
And Ben Roethlisberger opens the game with an interception on just a terrible, terrible throw. If I’m a Steelers fan… that has me very very concerned.
Fortunately, they escape having given up just a field goal. They’re down, sure, but the good news is that it didn’t look right there like Corey Dillon was going to have a lot of success today.
The Steelers go for it on a fourth down, and don’t get it… and wham. Brady deep to Deion Branch… and just like that, it’s 10-0. Being able to play with the lead is a huge advantage for the Patriots. Now they can stack the line and make the Steelers throw until they prove they can do it.
That going-for-it on 4th call will be questioned because of how things turned out… but I think it was the right call by Bill Cowher. I didn’t like the playcall itself, but going for it, I don’t think was a bad decision. That deep ball to Branch on the next play was a killer… but the Patriots were going to take that shot at some point anyway.
And suddenly, the mood in here is a bit… melacholy, I suppose. No one’s panicking, but no one’s having too much fucking fun, either.
It’s a duvet cover. It’s a decorative sham, that also protects…
Corey Dillon has 7 carries for 12 yards, and Jim Nantz and Phil Simms talk about him as if broken the NFL’s career record for rushing yards in the playoffs in one quarter of football. I don’t get it.
So the place is pretty quiet, considering the plight the Steelers find themselves in… CBS has a promo for the Pro Bowl, and I yell, “YEAH, BABY. PRO BOWL TIME. THE AFC WEARS THE RED.” No one laughs. I guess some people just don’t want to be cheered up.
Phil Simms: “The Patriots change their game plan according to who they’re going to play.” Wow, that Bill Belichick really is a genius. That’s fucking amazing. I hope other teams don’t catch on to that.
And while we’re on the subject… Bill Belichick is not a genius, OK? He’s a football coach. That pretty much disqualifies him. I mean, it’s not impossible that he’s an actual genius, but no matter what great things he accomplishes in football… his life’s work is still to win football games. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not that worthwhile, noble, or meaningful. I mean… Miles Davis was a genius. Einstein was a genius. DaVinci was a genius. Dude coaches football… so let’s calm down. And never, ever ever ever… have I seen or read someone calling him a genius, who then explained exactly what intricacy of his game plan was the genius part. I guess what I’m saying is, that of all the groups of people in the world qualified to decide who is and isn’t a genius… well, the football fans of America are not one of them.
The score is 17-3. Either Ben Roethlisberger needs to get better, or the Steelers can’t throw the football again. Actually… that’s not even going to work. Down 14, with the Patriots daring them to throw… either Ben Roethsliberger needs to get better, or Tommy Maddox needs to take the field.
Disaster for the Steelers. Rodney Harrison with the interception, and it goes 87 yards to the house. This game is over. I mean it’s not over… but it’s over. The Patriots can just line-up and tee off on the running game and the short passing game. They do not have to respect Ben Roethlisberger’s ability to go downfield.
Y’know, this new CBS show NUMB3RS… I think it’s going to be a huge hit. If my experience in life has taught me nothing else, it’s that the American public loves math.
The Steelers fans surrounding me are talking about comeback scenarios.
Chris: Tom Brady dying would help us.
Nate: I have a knife in my car, and I can be in Pittsburgh in an hour.
The Patriots get a replay call to go their way. AJ, in frustration, pounds the table. Dirty’s beer goes flying. The guys next to us have donated their napkins and have it all cleaned up before AJ even has any idea what he did.
And Corey Dillon breaks off a 25-yard TD run, which is unfortunate, really… if only because I don’t want anyone to say, “Hey, I told you it would be different when we had Corey Dillon,” when he really had no impact on the game. That touchdown was not really an impact score, and even with that one 25-yarder… he had 24 carries for 73 yards.
In regards to Ben Roethlisberger, and I don’t know why I didn’t realize this earlier… but all the talk about him not being impacted by last week’s poor performance, about him being unflappable, about him not feeling any additional pressure… well, that was all bullshit. I’m not knocking Ben Roethlisberger, but expecting him to be the same person this week as he was in Week 8 or 9, for example… that’s just not realistic. Do you know how many human beings there are on earth who could be a rookie quarterback right now, in this situation, having gone through those highs, and those recent lows, and not be affected by it? There’s one. His name is Marc Bulger, and the part of his brain that produces intensity and mood swings was removed when he was an infant.
Hines Ward gets in the endzone. I guess it’s still not really over, but… it’s still over. To win this game, the Steelers will have to be perfect from here out. I’ve seen no indication that they’re capable of being perfect today.
At the two-yard line, down 14… Bill Cowher kicks the field goal, shrinking the Steelers margin of error from “extremely slim” right down to “infinitesimal.” I don’t get it… Bill Cowher, at this point, is coaching scared. I guess he really is a protégé of Marty Schottenheimer.
Bonnie Bernstein mentions that Jerome Bettis is considering retirement.
Tom Brady will be fellated by the media this week… and he deserves it. Incredible performance today. I have a feeling he saw something in Troy Polamalu in particular that he thought he could take advantage of, and he did. He made smart throws, he took shots downfield, and most of his throws were absolutely precise. Incredible performance.
Best case scenario for MJD having fun today was a humiliating Eagles loss, followed by a Steelers win. Fuck.
Towards the end of the game, a girl is standing in front of the TV, putting on her coat and gloves. There are two TVs right next to this one, showing the same exact thing, but that doesn’t stop Nate from screaming at the girl, “SIT… THE FUCK… DOWN.” Nate then looks at the girl and gives her a “thank you,” as sweet and sincere as any you’ll ever see. That’s just Nate. That’s what he does.
The guys sitting next to us laugh their asses off at this. They look over and ask, “Do you know her?” No. He sure doesn’t.
And that’ll do it for the last enjoyable day of football this year. I’m out. Take it easy.

the mighty mjd @ 5:30 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 17 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 2 January 2005

Week 17, man… and all that’s left to be determined for the Chargers is the difference between 11-5 or 12-4. How unlikely is that? I don’t know what to compare it to. Not to go all Bill Walton on you, but has there ever been a more unlikely season, in the history of organized sports?

Happy New Year, by the way. If you made any resolutions, I hope you can forgive yourself when you break them, sometime in the middle of next week.
Sadly, we’re going to have to do Week 17 without my man Danks, at least for the first half of the day. But to make it up to you, I’ll throw in some bonus NCAA basketball coverage, in which you probably have no interest, later in the day. You’re welcome.
ESPN has a feature on the Panthers, and how they’ve kept plugging away after going 1-7. It is impressive. Whether they make the playoffs today or not (and I don’t see how they wouldn’t beat New Orleans), John Fox is a man. Not only for keeping his team focused and believing, but for having his reserves prepared to step in and do what’s necessary. A remarkable job. If Marty Schottenheimer didn’t exist, I think John Fox would have to be coach of the year.
The TV guy starts the day with the highly-anticipated Philly/Cincy match-up on a big screen TV, and New Orleans/Carolina on a small one.
The ESPN crew is discussing who the Pats would have to be most worried about in the playoffs, considering their depleted secondary. If anyone says the Colts, I’m gonna fucking — yep, someone said the Colts. What the fuck… is anyone paying attention? I think if the Patriots have proved anything, it’s that they need not worry about the Colts. The Colts are as likely to win in New England as the Vikings are to win in the 4th quarter. They Pats start Tony Eason at corner, Manny Ramirez at free safety, and they’d find a way to beat the Colts in the playoffs.
The games I’m seeing are Steelers/Bills, Jets/Rams, and, for some reason, Ravens/Dolphins. On the first play from scrimmage, Jim Bates has decided to unleash Sage Rosenfels… and he hits Chris Chambers deep for a 76-yard TD. Way to come out fighting for your playoff lives, Ravens.
By the way, Ray Lewis doesn’t have time to talk to the media after getting bitchslapped by the Steelers last week, and he doesn’t have time to play this week, but he can fit Kenny Mayne and the Mayne Event into his schedule.
The Redskins have gone up 7-0 early on the Vikings. Factor in the almost certain 17-point 4th quarter Vikings swoon, and the Redskins lead 24-0.
Teams that are watching the Steelers/Bills game looking for a scouting report on how to beat the Steelers in the playoffs, here it is: Hurt Ben Roethlisberger, because Tommy Maddox is still Tommy Maddox.
St. Louis’s goal line is crooked. There’s no joke here, the fucking line is crooked. Fox zooms in on it, and it’s as straight as Liberace. It’s turf… how did they screw that up? If someone was out there pushing chalk around, and did some pre-game drinking, I could see it. But it’s not like they’re repainting the field there every week. Invest in a ruler, Rams.
Speaking of the Rams, incidentally… I hope Kyle Turley really does kill Mike Martz. I know it would suck for the Martz family, but how awesome of a story would that be?
I’m KIDDING! For the most part.
At the end of a play in the Steelers/Bills game, just as they’re about to go to a replay, Kevin Harlan screams, “AND THERE’S A FIGHT ON THE FIELD!” They come back from the replay, and all the players are calmly walking off the field, and there are no flags down. I’m not sure what the word “fight” means to Kevin Harlan, but apparently, no physical contact is necessary. Excitable fella, that Kevin Harlan.
CBS is showing a replay of the early-season Tommy Maddox injury, or, as most Steeler fans refer to it, “the greatest moment in Steelers history.” Personally, I don’t think a starter should ever lose his job to an injury, and that the Steelers should go into the playoffs with Tommy Maddox as the starter.
The Saints, somehow, are up 14-3. I did not see that coming.
Baltimore now leads Miami, 20-7. Perhaps Sage Rosenfels is not the juggernaut we all expected him to be. It looks like the Ravens will cruise to victory, and then have to sit back and hope other teams lose. For what it’s worth (which is nothing), if the Ravens were in the NFC, I’d pick them to win it.
Hey, who is this douchebag doing the NFL Playoffs commercials that isn’t Don Cheadle? Where’s my Don Cheadle? This is an outrage. Why would the NFL ever think it was a good idea to not use Don Cheadle in these commercials. I don’t know who this clown is, but he looks like be belongs in commercials for Grecian formula.
This means something: The Steelers backups are beating the red-hot Bills, with everything to play for, quite soundly. The Eagles backups are getting worked over by the Bengals, who have nothing to play for.
Wes Welker returns a kickoff to the house for the Dolphins. Here’s my one complaint about the Chargers season, even though I feel like a cock for even having one small complaint: We let Wes Welker go after the preseason. As a kick returner, he is worlds better than Tim Dwight at this point.
Time for a little bonus basketball coverage. The 11th-ranked NC State Wolfpack are hosting the undefeated West Virginia Mountaineers. Julius Hodge is out with an ankle injury, but the good news is that he can afford massive diamond earrings.
The Vikings have apparently decided to pretend for a while that they have male genitalia. They’ve closed the gap, and it’s now 14-10 Redskins.
Mushin Muhammad, probably the game’s best receiver right now, makes a ridiculous catch in the endzone to give the Panthers some life. Unfortunately, Joe Horn and the Saints answer right back, and the lead stays at 11.
Brian St. Pierre is in for the Steelers. Just thought I’d mention it. He’s been less than impressive, and some idiot redneck behind me is calling for the Steelers to put Ben Roethlisberger in. Go with whatever feels good, man.
Herb Sendek, coach at NC State, does not look like a basketball coach. His name, in fact, does not suggest basketball coach. But despite looking like an intellectual plumber, his team is up early on WVU.
The Redskins drive again, with Ladell Betts going in from one yard out. 21-10, Skins.
WVU goes on an absolute tear, including about a 28-foot 3-point from Johannes Herber (what’s up to all my readers in Darmstadt and Stuttgart) and leads NC State by 7 at the half.
It occurs to me that the Top 4 in the AFC this year are probably the best Top 4 ever. I’m not a football historian, but I can’t think of any group of 4 in one conference that comes close. Anyone?
Willie Parker, the Steelers 4th running back, is over 100 yards today. That’s gotta sting if you’re a Bills fan. Umberto Villanueva, Steelers head athletic trainer, has 41 yards on the ground.
It’s official. Vikings lose, 21-18. Just beat the Redskins in Week, and you’re in for sure… that’s all you have to do. How many teams would’ve killed for a scenario like that… I’d have bet against the Vikings today, if they were playing the 49ers. I’d have bet against them if they were playing Penn State. I’m going to visit Minnesota in the off-season, break into the Metrodome, and spray paint over the “IKING” in the endzone, and replace it with “AGINA.”
Marc Bulger throws a clutch 4th-quarter TD for the Rams, and still, his expression does not change. It hasn’t changed since 1994.
The NC State Wolfpack are 48-4 against non-conference teams at home under Herb Sendek. They trail by 12 with 90 seconds to play.
St. Louis gets a Jeff Wilkins field goal to win in overtime, and somehow, this means that both the Rams and Jets get in the playoffs. I’m really bad at knowing these playoff scenarios. But congratulations to both teams. I’d like to say that the Rams, at 8-8, have no chance in the playoffs, but who knows in the NFC.
WVU closes it out. They’ve beaten two ranked teams in the past week, and remain undefeated.
The Saints have also polished off the Panthers, but apparently, it does them no good. The Rams victory somehow fucked them. And I’d like to say that I’m glad the Saints didn’t make it in, because they don’t deserve it, but… they deserve it more than the Vikings. I guess the Saints deserve credit for somehow doing something that get them into a playoff race, despite the fact that they suck. Their quarterback throws backwards to offensive linemen, special teamer Mel Mitchell nearly headbutts the head coach on the sidelines during a key game, and somehow, they’re in a playoff race. Congratulations, I guess.
And we join the Chargers in progress, just in time to catch Doug Flutie ripping off a 20-yard run. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that Doug Flutie is among the fastest 42-year-old men on the planet.
I guess the only things left to be determined are 1) who, out of Denver, Jacksonville, and Baltimore, gets in, and 2) where the Seattle/St. Louis game will be played. The Vikings/Packers match-up is set, and I’m currently looking into selling an organ on EBay so that I can bet all that money on the Packers. The Chargers will play at home against the Jets, who beat us earlier in the year. I’m already nervous thinking about it. We have a home playoff game. This is unbelievable.
Doug Flutie, meanwhile, is on fire. He’s snuck one in for a TD, and hit standouts Malcolm Floyd and Kassim Osgood with deep balls. Dougie then hits someone named Ryan Krause in the endzone for a Chargers TD. Dougie’s got 199 yards through the air in the first half.
With :04 to play in the half, Larry Johnson breaks a screen pass down to about the 1/2-inch line. Time expires. Sorry, Larry.
The commercials for this movie “Open Water” tout it as the “best shark movie since Jaws.” Well that’s quite an accomplishment. There have been so many great shark movies recently. That’s like “The Rundown” saying it’s the best movie with Stiffler since the 3rd American Pie movie.
Phillip Rivers is warming up… sweet.
Denver has pulled ahead of the Colts, and it looks like they’ll be in the playoffs. So much for drama. Out of Jacksonville, Baltimore, and Denver, I’d say that Denver scares me the least.
Phil Simms and Jim Nantz are unlikable in just about every possible way. Nantz is terrible at his job. Phil Simms says some extremely weird and goofy things. There’s just nothing good about this broadcasting duo. They aren’t insightful. They aren’t entertaining. They aren’t concise. They do not let the game speak for itself. They damn sure aren’t funny. They’re just both recognizable… that’s the only reason I can think of for them to be employed.
Phillip Rivers throws about 19 consecutive screen passes. Marty, for some reason, is hesitant to unleash his obvious talent.
Tony Gonzalez breaks the all-time record for receptions in a season by a tight end. Not bad for the 2nd best tight end in the AFC West.
Alright, maybe that’s unfair. I respect Tony Gonzalez. He’s an excellent player, he’s been doing it for a very long time, and he’s a class guy. But still, he’s the 2nd-best tight end in the AFC West.
Phil Rivers on a third down lasers about a 15-yard pass across the middle for a first down. FUCK Ben Roethlisberger.
Kidding…
Adrian Dingle gets an interception from the defensive end position. Michael “The Burner” Turner is also having a nice game. Kassim Osgood and Malcolm Floyd have stepped up. Our defensive reserves have played well. Our backups are currently beating the Chiefs 24-3. I’m content with today’s performance.
Phil Rivers hits Kassim Osgood for a touchdown. Phil is 5 of 8 for 33 yards and a touchdown. Is it too late to get into the rookie of the year race?
My man Jim asks if today’s date is January 2nd. How the fuck do you not know the date on January 2nd…? Considering the type and sheer volume of things that Jim’s put in his body this weekend, though, he might not even have been aware that yesterday was New Years Day.
Shaun Alexander needs one yard to catch Curtis Martin for the NFL’s rushing title. The Seahawks lead by 8, with the Falcons driving. They score with no time left, and need a 2-point conversion to tie. He’ll take the high road during interviews, but looking at him right now… Shaun Alexander might as well be holding up a big “GO FALCONS!” sign. He wants overtime.
He doesn’t get it. The Falcons fail to get the conversion, and Seattle gets to piss all over themselves at home this week, as opposed to having to piss on themselves in St. Louis. Self-urination is so much more comfortable in your own stadium.
Solomon Wilcots gives his Coach of the Year award to Jim Mora Jr. Don’t get me wrong, the Falcons have had an impressive year, but… when he’s handed the award, is the presenter actually going to say, “Hey, great job getting hired to coach a team with Michael Vick.”
Alright… MJD is out. I don’t know where I’m going to be watching playoff games next week, so… I can’t predict if there will be a Smorgasbord or not, and if it’ll cover Saturday, Sunday, both, or what. Take it easy, everyone, Happy Near Year, and do something to make yourself better in 2005.

the mighty mjd @ 5:29 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 16 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 26 December 2004

Welcome back to the Sunday Afternoon Smorgasbord here on themightymjd.com. I hope you all had a great Christmas… unless you’re a Raider fan, in which case, I hope Santa Claus raped your wife.

Before we start, just a quick note from a game earlier in the week… the Minnesota Vikings are bitches. If your team is playing the Vikings, and you’re down by 17 or fewer points when the fourth quarter starts, you’ve got it locked up. Provided, of course, that you can make an extra point.
Not a big crowd at the sports bar today, which is to be expected with the holidays and all. But the kind of people that are here are people who I’ve never seen before, which means 1) they probably aren’t big football fans, just random stragglers, and 2) they’re not gonna recognize. There’s already a group of motherfuckers at my table… the stage is set for some annoyance.
I am, unfortunately, not joined by Danks or AJ this week… so a quick shout-out to both of them. But I am joined by my brother, who, courtesy of his wife, is going to Steelers Fantasy Camp sometime in 2005. He who also just bought me a bad-ass mp3 player for Christmas, for which I am extremely grateful, in fact, I’m listening to as I write this. His wife is also here, sporting a fresh Chargers powder-blue t-shirt, which I got her for Christmas yesterday.
On ESPN’s Sunday Countdown, Tom Jackson’s doing his usual shirt/jacket/tie all the same color routine, but this week… it’s red. He looks like he’s about to bust through a brick wall on a skateboard and offer everyone Kool Aid. Man, Deion Sanders wouldn’t wear that suit.
CBS has a little package on Drew Brees visiting wounded soldiers, which I think proves that Drew Brees is a superior human being in every way. I don’t see Peyton Manning visiting any soldiers. Of course, if Peyton wants to visit someone in a really bad situation, risking life and limb every week for no good reason, he can always swing by Eli’s house.
Charger linebacker Steve Foley is on ESPN, watching game film with someone… Suzy Kolber, I think. He’s wearing knee-high white tube socks, which I think is a terrific way to distract everyone from his… well… less-than-handsome face. I think Steve Foley and Edgerrin James go to strip clubs together with hundred dollar bills falling out of their pockets, and they still can’t get any attention.
Tom Jackson says some people are calling Chargers DT Jamal Williams “the dominant defensive player in football.” Nice and all, but I’m a little uncomfortable with all the attention we’re getting this morning.
And here’s Michael Irvin to relieve the situation, saying that we have no chance against the Colts. Dick.
By the way… that sucks about Reggie White, doesn’t it? Much love to the White family. Terrible thing.
I don’t know how I know this, but I’m pretty sure that Drew Brees is going to throw a high interception today. Call it woman’s intuition.
Man, I really don’t want Peyton to get the record today. I don’t want it to be the Chargers in that highlight, which, between now and when I die, I’ll probably see about 282,726 times.
By the way, the fact that the Eagles have nine Pro Bowlers is about two things: 1) There are about 13 good football players in the NFC, and 2) The Eagles are always on national TV and all over the media in general. And the votes of coaches and players are influenced by that just as much as the votes of fans.
Games I’m seeing right now are Chargers/Colts, Steelers/Ravens, and Jags/Texans.
Plaxico Burress has made his return to the lineup today, which will make a huge difference for the Steelers. He hauls in about a 40-yard TV, from Ben Roethlisberger, who I’m not calling Big Ben, because that belongs to Ben Wallace… or one of the other 812 Bens in sports history who have probably been called “Big Ben.”
Speaking of Ben… there’s a weird-ass sign in Heinz Field. It calls Ben a “Godsend” and has some weirdly homoerotic picture of him laying there and extending a hand to the people of Pittsburgh. That’s… well, that’s not cool. I understand you like him, Pittsburgh, but I hope we can draw the line short of forming religious cults around him.
The Colts do this thing where at random times, they’ll get to the line of scrimmage immediately after the next play and snap the ball, hoping to catch the defense either offsides or out of position. I don’t know if they do this all the time, or just this week against us, but… that’s kinda gay. I mean, if you want to beat us, try to actually just line up and beat us. There’s always that route. Peyton Manning’s the kind of guy who finds the one play in a video game that works every time, and just does it over and over until the other guy punches him in the face.
Peyton’s in the redzone… and he throws a strike complete to Donnie Edwards. Cut THIS meat, skirt.
By the way… Donnie Edwards, by some criminal action, is not in the Pro Bowl. To say that I’m biased is a bit of an understatement, but I’d like to think that even if I was being 100% objective, I’d say Donnie Edwards should be a starting Pro Bowler. The same people that George W. in the White House in 2000 are probably also behind Ray Lewis being a Pro Bowler in 2004.
And on the ensuing possession, LaDainian catches a pass thrown behind him with his left hand, and… HOUSE. Man, that was quick. If Tomlinson played on this bitch-ass turf every week, record books would be in trouble. Really, it makes a huge difference. The Colts might as well just play on roller skates.
The Chargers defense gets another redzone stop… but Mike Vanderjagt, who also bothers me in a lot of ways, converts. 7-3 good guys. I haven’t realized until right now just how many different things bother me about the Colts.
DON CHEADLE PLAYOFF COMMERCIAL. Yeah, that’s smooth, right there. I love Don Cheadle. I wish for Christmas that someone had made me a DVD of the Nextel commercial with the dudes dancing, and a few Don Cheadle playoffs commercials, and just put them all on a continuous loop.
Tim Dwight is probably the worst kickoff return guy in the NFL that doesn’t have a fumbling problem. Just thought I’d mention it.
Peyton looks a little frazzled in the first half. He’s missing a lot of throws, and every time he gets some pressure on him, he’s yelling at his offensive linemen. Funny, but I didn’t see Tarik Glenn or Ryan Diem jump his shit when he hit Donnie Edwards in the numbers back there inside the 5-yard-line. What a cock.
The Jags are down 14-0 against the Texans. I’m not really watching that game, but… man, if the Jags can’t beat the Texans at home in Week 16, they don’t deserve a playoff spot. Well, they deserve one more than Seattle or Minnesota, but still… the Jags aren’t handling their B.I. Which is surprising. I wouldn’t have guessed this would happen.
Do you think Peyton Manning ever calls Eli and thanks him for making it so that Peyton is no longer the goofiest redneck in the league?
And Ray Lewis goes for a ride on Jerome Bettis. He went to wrap him up for the tackle, but Jerome just decided to carry him about six yards on his back. Jerome carried him just like his reputation is carrying him to Hawaii for the Pro Bowl.
Drew Brees drops back, has a man in the endzone… and WHEN YOU GOIN’ LET ME FUUUUUCK, MISS PARKER? It’s Eric Parker for 6. 17-3 Chargers.
CBS shows a shot of Brian Billick on the sidelines, and my brother goes, “I’d like to fist his mother.” And he’s not kidding, he actually would.
Antawn Randle-El makes ridiculous catch. You might not see it on Primetime, but it was remarkable nonetheless. He just stuck his hand out, completely extended from his body, and caught the ball. He didn’t haul it in to his body, he didn’t use another hand, he just speared the thing. Amazing. Either he’s got about a half pound of crazy glue on his gloves, or they’ve switched to a Nerf ball for this game.
Hines Ward hauls in a catch for about 10 yards, and Ray Lewis makes the stop. Ray, of course, gets up and starts talking. Hines Ward is openly laughing at him. This is enjoyable.
And on the next play, Jerome Bettis sheds Ray again. Man, the Steelers are moosing (that’s a verb, meaning “to moose”) the Ravens around on this drive. If my man AJ was here, he’d be yelling about how he can see Ray’s pussy. Either that, or about how he needs to “change his vagina pad.”
The Steelers cap off that drive at 8 minutes and 34 seconds, 14 plays, 12 of which were runs straight up the Ravens asshole.
Terrell Suggs, on the last play of that drive, watched Ben Roethlisberger throw a touchdown pass, took another second, and then hit him. That’s what players do when they’re beaten in every other possible way, feel embarrassed and scared, and have nothing else to do.
This Colts “fan” rolls in at halftime, and sits at the table in front of us, which has been slightly annoying anyway. And immediately, the rest of them start cheering for the Colts, too. This one girl in particular is standing up and screaming for Peyton Manning… she has frosted, frizzy, crimped hair, and apparently believes that it’s 1987. She’s got enough makeup on so that if I blew it on her face, I think it would just slide right off.
By the way, that’s probably the filthiest thing that’s ever been in the Smorgasbord, and I’m ashamed that I thought of it. I am.
The Colts get the ball, and on three straight plays, Peyton Manning is running for his life. 3 and out, and more verbal abuse for the offensive line.
On the ensuing possession, Antonio Gates catches a shovel pass for a touchdown, and sets the all-time record for touchdowns by a tight-end in a season. Pretty amazing for a guy who only two teams in the entire NFL thought was worth a look as an undrafted free agent.
Ben Roethlisberger comes out for the next possession, looking hobbled. I can’t tell what it is, but he’s in pain, and he’s not moving well.
By the way, the Sunday night game… Browns/Dolphins. Ouch. My brother suggests that they both be required to wear their all-orange uniforms, just to kinda spice things up. There’s no other possible way that that game’s going to be interesting. Nick Saban, I should also mention, I don’t think is going to do all that well. He might be a great coach, but… I don’t know why a college guy comes in and thinks he should have control over all personnel decisions. I don’t see that working well.
Looks like Roethlisberger is heading to the sidelines. Some Steeler fans in the area seem nervous about having to deal with Tommy Maddox, but… as long as he can hand the ball off effectively, it doesn’t look like there’s much the Ravens will be able to do about it.
And Peyton gets his record-tying 48th TD on a shovel pass. Kind of a weak way to get it. 1) They copied what the Chargers just did a few minutes ago, and 2) I dunno, but if it was me going for that record, I might actually feel like earning it. But maybe that’s just me.
CBS’s poll of the day: Can the Eagles make it to the Super Bowl without Terrell Owens? Well, since they weren’t going to make it to the Super Bowl with Terrell Owens, I tend to doubt it. How long before Eagles fans start making up a curse?
LaDainian Tomlinson houses another one… and it’s 31-16 good guys. I feel good about how we’ve played, but I do have this nagging feeling… I just have a feeling that goofy redneck fuck is going to get hot sooner or later.
But maybe he won’t have to… Dominic Rhodes takes the ensuing kickoff to the house. Yikes.
And the Steelers wrap it up against the Ravens, and they will have homefield advantage throughout the playoffs. The Steelers aren’t a perfect team, but we’ll see what happens with Ben Roethlisberger’s injury, but… I don’t know who’s going into Pittsburgh, and dealing successfully with that offensive line, running game, and attacking defense.
Colts, down 8, are driving again… the drive stalls, and on comes Mike Vanderjagt, who doinks one off the post. Now let’s finish this bitch off.
And we can’t… we punt (when I think we might’ve been in field goal range, by the way, especially in that pussy-ass dome) and Peyton takes over at his own 20 with 3:42 to play.
And they tie it up. You saw the highlight. Fuck. Goofy redneck got the record, too.
The Chargers have under a minute, with one more chance to get into field goal range… and there’s the high interception by Drew Brees. We’re going to overtime.
Randy Cross is giving Peyton Manning credit for “keeping the focus on the team instead of the record.” Well, what did you expect him to do… throw the pass, and personally organize a fireworks display in his own honor? Stop and grab the microphone, and deliver his hall-of-fame induction speech? I don’t get it. He kept playing football. I guess that’s an accomplishment. What a great man.
So, we kicked off, we melted down Vikings-style, they drove, and they scored. But fuck it. Here’s why I’m not too upset about this loss…
1) As long as the Patriots win, which they will, it’s really not going to change what we’ll have to do in the playoffs,
2) A loss at this point will underscore for the players that we still have a lot of work to do, and we need to keep getting better, and
3) I know we’re a better football team than they are, and I know that as soon as the playoffs roll around, and the Colts play a tough team on the road, there’s no chance that the Colts are winning that game.
And I can’t stay for the late games this week… there are still family Christmas weekend things to be done. So take it easy, I’ll get back at ya next week.

the mighty mjd @ 5:27 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 14 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 12 December 2004

There’s a dude here wearing a Bill Parcells jersey. I kid you not. This guy has gone somewhere and ordered a Cowboys jersey with the #1 and “PARCELLS” on the back. I guess I have to applaud the team loyalty, but 1) You know Parcells isn’t staying there more than a couple years and 2) That’s kinda weird. Parcells didn’t play for the Cowboys, and if he did, I’m guessing he didn’t wear #1. If you want to support Bill Parcells with a fashion statement, make a t-shirt that says, “Terry Glenn and Antonio Bryant are women.” A Parcells jersey… That’s like one step away from a Jerry Jones jersey. I’m not saying it makes this guy a bad person, but… some therapy for Christmas might not be the worst idea.

For some reason, here are the games in the front room: Texans/Colts, Giants/Ravens, and Browns/Bills. Texans/Colts is fine… there’ll be some interest for that one. But Giants/Ravens and Browns/Bills, not only is there very little interest in them, but I know right now how those games are going to go. The Giants will be able to do nothing offensively, but the game will stay close for a while, because the Ravens offense sucks, too. Eventually the Ravens will pull away. Browns/Bills will be ugly as hell with the Bills winning comfortably.
I’d rather watch Seahawks/Vikings, i.e., The Big Pink Vagina Bowl, sponsored by Tampax. What does the NFL do in the case where both teams refuse to win a game? I hope it goes into OT, and Matt Hasselback decides to be honest this time. “We don’t really want the ball… I don’t think we can win.” And Daunte Culpepper replies, “Y’know, I don’t think we can win, either. You wanna just go get a sandwich or something?”
Danks and I will be separated for the 1 o’clock games, as the Patriots are on in another room. You know what else is in another room? Crazy Fish Guy. Danks gets to hang with Crazy Fish Guy, and I’m stuck out here watching the Eli Manning/Kyle Boller showdown.
I think Crazy Fish Guy got a haircut, too. He’s lookin’ fresh and clean out this bitch today.
On an ESPN Gameday feature, Chris Berman and Ben Roethlisberger are eating a “Roethlisburger” sandwich… and sitting really close together. Their faces are like 3 inches apart as they each take a bite of the massive slab of meat. And the Emmy for most homoerotic feature on an NFL pregame show goes to…
Man, it is ugly in Buffalo. About 25 degrees, strong wide, wet snow blowing sideways. Is it worth it, Terry Robiskie? Just go home, man… Luke McCown is your starting quarterback, you can’t win the game, and you aren’t getting that job. It’s not worth it, man. Just go home.
When the offseason rolls around, I hope either the Patriots sign DeMarcus Faggins and start him next to Randall Gay, or the Falcons sign Randall Gay and start him next to DeMarcus Faggins. And no, my sense of humor has not become any more sophisticated since about the 6th grade.
Texans/Colts is the one game out here that I don’t mind watching, to see, of course, if Peyton gets the record. It’s a fairly historic thing… It’s certainly worth seeing. My man AJ agrees, saying, “I wanna be able to tell my kids someday… well, I wanna be able to tell someone’s kids…”
In addition, I’m a complete fantasy football whore today. I’ve been eliminated from the playoffs, but I’ve still got a shot at being the league’s top scorer, and I want it… just so I can tell whoever does end up winning the league title that they are a paper champion. I’m starting a WR trio of Marvin Harrison, Reggie Wayne, and Brandon Stokely. Light it up, Peyton.
There’s a turnover or near turnover about every 30 seconds between the Giants/Ravens and Browns/Bills game. That’s not much of an exaggeration. This is some brutal football. It’s not exactly a shock, considering I’m watching Eli Manning, Luke McCown, Kyle Boller, and Drew Bledsoe. And really, that’s not such a bad lineup, considering that there are two McCowns starting in the NFL today, in addition to Chris Chandler, who I believe helped to invent the forward pass. It’s a shame he’s yet to master it.
Ray Lewis happens to get a turnover of some kind, which is not much of an accomplishment in this game. And of course, he breaks out that lame-ass dance. I just can’t believe an adult human being does this. There are manlier dance movies in the disco scene in Starsky and Hutch.
Each pass the Giants throw is a long one. You may argue that that’s asking too much of rookie quarterback Eli Manning, but… I’d argue that it’s a pretty solid strategy, considering that there’s about a 65% chance that each pass he throws is going to get intercepted… might as well have it intercepted 40 yards downfield.
The Bengals tie the Patriots 7-7. According to my correspondent Spiros, who’s watching the game in the back with Danks, the Patriots can’t stop the run, and the Bengals have a good shot to win this game.
The Minnesota/Seattle game, sponsored by Gyne-Lotrimin, has gone from 10-0 Minnesota to 14-10 Seattle to 20-14 Minnesota. I applaud both teams for actually going to the trouble of scoring touchdowns and pretending they have any interest in getting a victory.
David Carr fumbles, and appears to fall on the ball. Raheem Brock of the Colts, however, goes about 6′4″, 300, and has other ideas. He falls on Carr, and he either takes the ball from him, or threatens to rape and murder each member of Carr’s family, and Carr gives him the ball. Probably a wise move.
With under 5:00 to play in the first half, the Browns have 1 total yard. I told you, Terry Robiskie, it’s not worth it. There’s no shame in quitting. It’s warm inside, man… quit. Let someone see what they can get out of the Luke McCown scoring machine.
And speaking of great quarterbacks, Eli Manning at the half is 3/11 for 21 yards, 0 TDs, and 1 INT. And he really hasn’t played as well as his stats would indicate.
Woops, I spoke prematurely. Eli finds a few seconds right before halftime to throw complete another pass to a Raven. Very accurate, hit him right in the numbers… and the Ravens, not that they need it, turned it into a field goal. Correction: 3/12, 21 yards, 0 TDs, and 2 INTs. And it’s 27-7 Ravens.
The Browns have doubled their yardage output. They have 2 total yards now.
Domanick Davis is a workhorse for the Texans, and is keeping them in the game. And while I’m on the subject, the Texans are putting together a nice blueprint for how to beat the Colts. Step 1, run the ball. The Colts can’t stop it, and it keeps Peyton off the field. Step 2, don’t blitz, drop 7 or 8, and put another cornerback on the slot receiver. Dunta Robinson is playing that role today against Brandon Stokely. Nice job, Dom Capers, though you’re killing my fantasy team.
And here’s something to think about: The Patriots, Steelers, and Chargers are the teams that the Colts have to get through in the playoffs, and none of those three teams have a 3rd corner that I’d trust to cover any wide receiver with experience beyond the high school level.
Todd Heap makes a sweet touchdown catch. If Randy Moss was a big white tight end, this is what his catches would look like. Terribly thrown ball by Kyle Boller, but Heap reaches down over the defender in front of him and hauls it in. Very nice.
Up 37-7 now, Brian Billick is completely reaming someone on the sidelines.
Danks and Spiros relay this Crazy Fish Guy story to me today: A couple of young punks roll in during the 2nd half, and are looking for a place to sit. He, of course, doesn’t mind at all. One of the punks asks him if he’s a Cowboys fan, and he looks at his gambling sheet and says, “I am today!”
And by the way, asking Crazy Fish Guy if he’s a Cowboys fan is like asking Malcolm X if he’s a Pat Robertson fan. Learn your history, young bucks… that man is a legend. Crazy Fish Guy, I mean.
When the Chargers and Steelers play at the same time, as they do today, I really don’t have any time to watch other games or take many notes. I also don’t have any time to wait for this big white fuck in the Bills game to be injured. The Bolts are on in about 5 minutes, and the TV guy isn’t going to put them on until this game is over, so no one has time for you to be faking an injury. Get up, pussy.
I haven’t seen a lot of Tampa Bay this year… I forgot how much I hate Jon Gruden. No coach in the history of the NFL has been more conscious of the TV cameras. You can just see him thinking, “This is a good time for the cameras to be on me… watch me look MEAN! GRRRRR!”
I’m really not watching much of the Steelers/Jets game, but… it appears as if Ben Roethsliberger is struggling. I can hear the commentary, though, and Phil Simms apparently believes that the Jets are the greatest team of all time and that the Steelers are lucky to be hanging with them.
There are some Bucs fans here that appear to be legitimate Bucs fans. One of them says he has season tickets. They don’t seem like bad guys, although if I had the chance, I’d still dunk my wang in their pitcher of beer.
The first scoring in the Chargers game doesn’t come until the 2nd quarter, when Drew Brees hits Eric Parker with a deep ball. Nice work by Drew and EP, but thank you, LaDanian Tomlinson, for forcing the Bucs to respect play action.
Drew Brees throws his 2nd interception of the day… not good.
A bunch of guys sitting a few tables a way are apparently having trouble getting service. They unfold a napkin, and make a big sign that says, “WHO’S OUR SERVER?”
Phil Simms: “The Steelers are in the lead, and will probably win this game, despite the fact that the Jets are the most unstoppable force in the history of modern football.”
Kassim Osgood… TOUCHDOWN! He plays for the Chargers, by the way.
There’s a guy sitting behind us, pretending to be a Jets fan, just to antagonize all the Steelers fans in the bar. He clearly doesn’t care much about the game, and is screaming unintelligible things about the Jets. Some middle-aged woman in front turns around and yells something at him that ends with “MOTHERFUCKER!”
Fucking Joey Galloway is lighting us up today. Even the Bucs fans call him “china doll.”
Phil Simms: “If I was a girl, I’d sure like to be Jonathan Vilma’s girlfriend.”
LaDanian Tomlinson accounts for about all the yards during this current Chargers drive… and the Bolts are back on top.
Wow… Chris Chandler currently has six interceptions. How does an NFL team not have a backup better than Chris Chandler. The man is nearly 70 years old, and truth be told… he hasn’t that good when he was 25.
Donnie Edwards… INTERCEPTION. TO THE HOUSE. Awww yeah… Man, Donnie Edwards makes plays. In fact, these past three weeks, the Chargers defense has bent, but in the fourth quarter when we needed to make something happen, someone has been there to make a play.
Phil Simms: “J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!”
And a failed onside kick attempt by the Bucs will end the game, and will also end the Smorgasbord for this week. Take it easy…

the mighty mjd @ 5:25 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 11 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 21 November 2004

We’re getting a little bit of a late jump today… I forgot a pen and paper. Not an auspicious beginning to Chargers/Raiders day. Anyway, I had to walk over to Office Depot, which necessitated me walking through a bowling alley, and they had this absolutely beautiful Steelers bowling ball on display there. Did you know they made cool bowling balls? I had no idea. I thought they just came in black and brown. I’d like to think that somewhere out there, someone has a Tupac bowling ball.

Chris Mortenson reports that Joe Horn’s infamous cell phone only fetched $650 at a charity auction. Ouch. Joe probably paid about $200 for it. That’s gotta be a blow to the ego of Joe Horn. Sorry, Joe… no one gives a fuck about you or your lame-ass cell phone celebration, even if it is for charity.
For some reason, one of the pre-game shows is showing the Pistons/Pacers brawl. My man AJ has the best and most practical question about the situation that I’ve heard yet… Where were the entourages? Isn’t this a job for the entourages? What was Ron-Ron’s crew doing when all of this went down? Forget about security… 70-year-old men in Event Staff jackets aren’t getting the job done, obviously. In this situation, when Ron got hit with the beer, he should’ve just told a few of his boys to go up in the stands and handle his B.I. Because you know that Ron-Ron’s rolling with a few dudes that have killed before. Everyone complains about entourages, but if they were used correctly, this whole situation could’ve been avoided. David Stern should just mandate a 5-person entourage (two of whom should be convicted felons, and at least one should be strapped) for every NBA player.
Chad Johnson, who’s been talking shit all week, sees the first pass thrown his way bounce off his chest.
Jerome Bettis, on his second carry, moves into 5th place on the NFL’s all-time leading rusher list. I think you can make a case for Jerome Bettis as the world’s greatest athlete. Here’s my rationale. Take a world class athlete, like, say… Tracy McGrady for example. Strap 150 extra pounds to his back, and can he still be one of the best in the league? I doubt it. Jerome plays a position that’s usually occupied by a world-class athlete, someone in amazing physical condition, and he does it just as ably while being significantly on the tubby side. That’s manly.
A white guy for the Vikings scores a touchdown, and tries to punt the ball. He whiffs. As the ball is laying on the ground, he winds up and drops a Randy Savage-style elbow on it.
Ben Roethlisberger had the Steelers at the Bengals 14 yard line on the opening drive, and then too two consecutive sacks, pushing the Steelers back out of field goal range. That was weird, and un-Roethlisberger-like.
Alright, if Chad Johnson wants to talk now, he can. He made an amazing touchdown catch, and the celebration he was hyping all week, the one for which he asked fans to bring money and pay his fine, consisted of getting confused, running around in a circle, and then doing some extremely lame dance move that you probably wouldn’t even see in most white dance clubs.
Musa Smith of the Ravens suffers an absolutely gruesome injury. His leg is flopping back and forth as if there’s a joint about halfway between his knee and ankle. I’m pretty sure there isn’t. That was ugly.
James Farrior intercepts a Carson Palmer pass and takes it to the house. Y’know, if the NFL had a real MVP award, one that wasn’t based on stats and media attention alone, James Farrior could make a case. He could at least win some kind of unsung hero award or something. He’s having a great year.
Alright, now Aaron Brooks has made the two single-dumbest plays of the year. There was the one against the Chargers where he threw a backwards pass to Wayne Gandy, and now, as he’s about to get sacked, he forces up a touchdown pass to Al Wilson. Unfortunately for Aaron Brooks, Al Wilson is a Broncos linebacker.
Ben Roethlisberger looks a little different today. He’s getting sacked regularly. I don’t know if the Bengals are doing something different to him in the secondary or what, but he seems to be tucking the ball away much earlier today. His numbers are still very decent, but he doesn’t look quite the same.
No Crazy Fish Guy this week. This means I won’t get to see him before Thanksgiving, which makes me sad. On Thursday, take a second, think about the middle-aged gambling addict in a tight Dolphins t-shirt, sitting in front of a dry turkey and wondering if the Lions are going to cover. Let us all give thanks.
You might remember a couple weeks ago when my friend Pat showed up completely out of the blue and showed us his frostbitten toes. Once again, Pat is spotted wandering aimlessly around the bar this week, looking for us. He sits down and starts talking about how happy celery farmers must be about the boom in popularity for chicken wings.
The Rams are getting creamed in Buffalo. The Rams are an odd team… I think they might just not have any heart. You never get the feeling that anyone on that team likes each other. They might not dislike each other, but I dunno… I don’t get the feeling that anyone would take a bullet for Marc Bulger.
The Bengals, pretty late in the game now, trail only 17-14. They keep sacking Roethlisberger, and they keep hanging around. Could be an interesting finish.
And Curtis Martin moves into 6th place on the NFL’s all-time rushing list. Rough day for Tony Dorsett, isn’t it? I can see him enjoying a Sunday at home with this family, someone telling him that Jerome Bettis pushed him down the list, and Tony being like, “Oh, really? Well, that sucks.” And a couple of hours later, Curtis Martin pushes him down another spot, and he’s gotta be like, “God DAMMit. Anyone ELSE want to pass me on the NFL’s all-time rushing list today?”
Willis McGahee breaks off an incredible touchdown run. He was rumbling down the sidelines, and some Ram hit him, one of those shoulder-to-hip hits, and somehow, McGahee jumped over it, kept his balance, stayed in bounds and housed it. Amazing.
Replay showed he had a toe on the out-of-bounds line, and someone held on the play, but still… amazing. McGahee is pissed at whoever held.
The Steelers record a safety when Carson Palmer intentionally grounds th ball in the endzone… and that’ll just about end the Bengals hopes of pulling off an upset today.
Hey, Marc Bulger’s sister is here. Right now, I’m pretty much watching her watch her brother, because it’s got to be weird watching a loved one take a beating every week. Also, she’s really hot.
There’s a guy here wearing an old-school Buccaneers t-shirt. It’s bright orange, with the Bucs old logo on the front… do you remember the gay pirate? That logo was unbelievably awesome. Pat calls him a “swashbuckler of the other persuasion.” I think the Bucs made a mistake when they dumped it. People said it was gay, sure, but I think they should’ve embraced it. You can adopt a generic skull logo, but that’s not going to intimidate anyone. If you want to intimidate an opponent, embrace the gay logo, and make opposing running backs think there’s a good chance they’re going to get molested in a pile.
The Steelers game is over. Good win for the Steelers today. They didn’t play well, and they still won a divisional road game. That’s what good teams do.
The Chargers open things up with an effortless TD drive against the Raiders. Drew Brees finds soon-to-be pro bowler Antonio Gates in the endzone. And then we have the extra point blocked.
I just surpassed Tony Dorsett on the NFL’s all-time rushing list.
Two plays into Eli Manning’s first NFL start, he is still conscious. You are letting me down, Falcons.
Drew Brees just made an amazing play. He rolled to his right, threw back to his left on a weird angle, and put it right over the shoulder of Antonio Gates. Amazing play.
And on the next play, Lorenzo Neil fumbles in the endzone. Ouch. It should be 14-0.
A.J. Feeley takes a pretty brutal shot, and goes down. The good news for the Dolphins is that it doesn’t really hurt them when their QB gets hurt. Stroke of genius by the front office, really. I think Dave Wannstedt went to the GM and said, “Hey, can you figure out a way for us to be able to just go on as normal if our quarterback gets hurt?” And sure enough, he found a way.
Michael Vick, when he’s throwing the ball well… is an offense. He’s a running game and a passing game, all rolled into one person. He doesn’t need any help, really. He’s like, “Fuck it, just give me Alge Crumpler and I’ll get us to 8-2. Is that cool?”
Ronald Curry scores a touchdown for the Raiders, and then dunks the ball over the crossbar. It’s a shame he’s not the first one to do that, because it’d be fitting if that was his trademark celebration. The Raiders, as much as I hate to say it, are a much better team today than they were when we cockwhipped them a few weeks ago.
AJ just asked me if a Seahawk was a real bird. He was completely sincere. I really didn’t have the heart to make fun of him, and you know, for a 4-year-old, that would be a completely legitimate question. AJ, sadly, is a grown man. I think I’m just going to wait until sometime when we’re hanging out near water, and tell him to be careful of the Seahawks.
I haven’t been paying much attention to the Giants game, or how Eli is doing. But they haven’t broken in with a special report on his untimely death, so I know it’s not really going how I want it to go.
At halftime of the Chargers/Raiders game, the Raiders have their junior dance team on the field, consisting of 8-10 year old girls in Raider cheerleader uniforms. It was probably wrong of me to call them sluts.
While we’re on the subject, though… we’ve got an NFL organization dressing up children in skimpy cheerleader outfits, and we’re worried about Terrell Owens and a Desperate Housewives intro?
Fox’s halftime show has highlights of some douche winning the Nascar title, or whatever it’s called. The Nascar season is over, and starts again in early February. That’s not much of an off-season, but I guess a huge off-season isn’t really necessary when your job consists of sitting on your ass and driving for about four hours on a Sunday.
Randall Godfrey just knocked Jerry Porter out. Maybe the hardest hit I’ve seen this year. Godfrey just turned his lights out, his body went limp, Ben Leber ended up with the ball and returned it about 40 yards.
A.J. Feeley has been injured like 18 times, but he keeps coming back strong. He was walking off the field, someone patted him on the ass, and he screamed in agonizing pain. That was weird.
We lead only 16-7. The Raiders are playing better, and Kerry Collins has been pretty sharp, but still, we’ve pissed away countless opportunities. We should be hammering them. We’re not. Penalties, mistakes, and seemingly a lack of focus have hurt us today. Win or lose, this has been a step back.
Eli Manning’s first career touchdown pass goes to Jeremy Shockey. Eli to Shockey. Excellent. Somewhere, Satan is smiling.
The much-anticipated NBA suspensions are in. Ron Artest, as I expected, is out for the year. I thought David Stern might take the easy way out and just have him killed. You know he wants to. “We were going to suspend Ron Artest for the rest of the year, but unfortunately, he was gunned down today at his home, and if you try to pin it on me, the same thing might happen to you.”
There are three or four people in this room rooting hard for the Chargers, all of them gamblers with major money riding on the game. I hate the vibe in here. My pure love for the lightning bolt is being challenged by the dirty love of the dollar.
Drew Brees sees the pocket collapse around him, is jumping around frantically, and somehow lofts a blind pass up complete to Keenan McCardell for a first down. Incredible play, and that will seal it. I’ll take it, and I love the fact that we swept the Raiders, but any good team would’ve beaten us today. The bye week was not good to us.
The fantasy football craze has just gone too far. Fox shows the following stat line for Donovan McNabb: 18/26, 222 yards, 4 touchdowns, 1 interception, 27 fantasy points. Brutal. Listen, I play fantasy football just like everyone else, but when I’m watching a football game, I want to watch the football game. Football is still football, it’s still played for wins, losses, and the ultimate goal of the Super Bowl. I fear the day is coming when fantasy football completely takes over, and no one even bothers to report the actual standings anymore.
Eli Manning actually has a chance to beat the 7-2 Falcons in his first start. But the drive stalls on a fourth down, and Eli experiences what will hopefully be the first of his many NFL losses.
The Dolphins are also somehow in the game against the Seahawks, in the battle of frightening aquatic creatures. It’s 17-17, just over a minute left, Feeley with a chance for a scoring drive… and he throws a pick that gets taken to the house. This may be the worst day of A.J. Feeley’s life. He’s got some weird ass injury, he’s taken a savage beating, and he loses on a play like that. I may send him a sympathy card.
Have a Great Thanksgiving, everyone.

the mighty mjd @ 5:23 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 10 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 14 November 2004

I usually welcome the Chargers’ bye week. It’s a week where I can shut myself down emotionally, and try to enjoy a Sunday without so much pain that I have to go home, get drunk, and masturbate for an hour to make myself feel better. But this year’s different… I don’t want to take the week off. We’re winning, and I want to keep this thing rolling. I hope Marty Schottenheimer scheduled a scrimmage this week against the ‘72 Dolphins or something, just to keep us sharp. And I hope someone ruptures Bob Griese’s kidney.

Michael Irvin is to ESPN’s Gameday as Charles Barkley is to Inside the NBA on TNT. Unfortunately, no one else on the Gameday set can hold the jock of either Kenny Smith or Ernie Johnson, but Irvin, like Barkley, gives you that feeling of not wanting to change the channel because you might miss him saying something awesome.
My new girlfriend is our waitress this week, and my baby has never looked better. Her hair is different, too. It’s like she went the extra mile to make herself look nice for me this week, which is amazing, considering she doesn’t even know we’re dating. That’s how you know someone is special. We have such a great relationship.
ESPN is showing the Parcells mini-meltdown. My favorite part was, “There’s no excuse for it, other than we’re poorly-coached and we played bad.” I love the fact that he took his share of responsibility. A teacher can’t call a student a failure without also admitting failure on their own part.
Ooooh. ESPN with the breaking news of the Joey Porter/William Green pre-game fight. Someone else was involved, too, but I couldn’t tell who it was. Joey took a swing at someone with a helmet on. I don’t know if you know this, but those helmets are built pretty well, and there’s not much point to punching one. I like the spirit, though. William Green is shown holding a towel to his mouth… I guess Joey landed a shot or two.
I don’t know who started that, but it was pretty stupid on the part of the Browns. I was thinking the Browns had a shot to win, in part because of the letdown factor. Even great teams let down sometimes, and after two huge wins and all the accompanying media attention, the Steelers were primed for an emotional letdown. But Gerard Warren’s talking about taking a shot at Ben Roethlisberger’s head, and there’s a pregame fight… so much for that. The Steelers are pissed. This game’s over.
Hey, Crazy Fish Guy’s here. He’s late, though, and it doesn’t look like he’ll be sitting anywhere near us. I usually don’t like to talk to him until the automatic tint of his glasses adjusts to inside lighting, anyway.
An ESPN feature looks at the weekly tradition of Donald Driver and Javon Walker called “Keep it Real Thursday.” I’m not sure exactly what goes on, but it sounds fun. I’m going to go to work on Thursday, tell someone they’re an ugly motherfucker and be like, “Hey, sorry. It’s Keep It Real Thursday.”
This is actually a really good feature. They’re talking about Ray Sherman’s loss of his son, and how his relationship with Walker and Driver kinda fills that void for him. It’s pretty touching. Javon Walker says, “I will be your son, if you’ll let me.” If I’m the Packers GM, and Walker or Driver has a contract coming up, it would be really difficult to let either of them go.
Sam and his wife (who’s name, by the way, is Jeanette) have invited some other couple to join us. This guy is a Browns fan, which is bad enough, but he also likes the Raiders. So not only is he one of these two-favorite-team-having douchebags, but that other team is the Raiders. Why not just save the time, pal, and when you introduce yourself, say, “Hi. Nice to meet you. I have no redeeming qualities as a human being.” What a treat it will be to sit with him.
Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception for the Steelers, and Browns DE Kenard Lang does something I’ve never seen before. This was amazing. When there’s an interception, on the return, that’s often when defensive players get to take a free cheap shot at the quarterback. Lang goes over to Roethlisberger, stands directly in front of him, and points at his teammates to stay away. After what Gerard Warren said and everything else that happened, going and protecting Ben Roethlisberger is a a pretty manly thing for Kenard Lang to do. That’s like the highlight of the year for me.
The Steelers backup running back this week is some guy named Willie Parker, who I’d love to give the nickname, Willie “When You Gonna Let Me Fuuuuuck, Miss” Parker, if it wasn’t already taken by Eric Parker of the Chargers.
Capping off a beautiful 90-yard Steeler touchdown drive is a vintage 7-yard Jerome Bettis run. He’s just lowering his shoulder and moving people.
Marc Bulger is just carving up the Seahawks secondary. It just looks easy for him. Wasn’t Seattle a hot Super Bowl pick a few weeks ago? Aren’t they always a hot Super Bowl pick at the beginning of the year?
There are some early ass-whuppins being handed out. Atlanta is leading Tampa Bay 17-0, and the Rams are already up 14-0.
One thing I’ve noticed that the Steelers receivers do really well is help out Ben Roethlisberger when he’s in trouble. When things break down, they’re excellent at breaking off their routes, coming back to the ball, and helping to bail him out.
Quincy Carter is currently 7-for-7 with 100-some yards. The Cowboys couldn’t use a quarterback like that or anything.
I’ve always thought Brian Griese (who just threw a touchdown pass to Michael Clayton) looks like the younger version of Dennis Quaid from Any Given Sunday. It’s 17-7. Anyone else confused by Brian Griese’s re-emergence? In the NFL, you just can not count out a quarterback until they’re about the age of Vinny Testaverde. It requires so much quick thinking and decision-making, and it just takes some guys a few years to get it. If I were a GM, I’d never draft a quarterback, but stockpile guys who play out their rookie contracts and don’t resign with their original teams. Sign like five of them, and chances are, the light bulb will go on for one of them sooner than later.
Roethlisberger scrambles, and Hines Ward takes the opportunity to go downfield and kill a defensive lineman. Just lit him up.
Dick Enberg: “The bus is still well-lubricated.” It’s this kind of highly-personal intimate detail that you can only get from Dick Enberg and CBS.
The guy at our table with no redeeming qualities as a human being says, “Jerome Bettis is weak. He’s just big. That’s it. He’s just big.” I suppose his quickness, agility and vision have had nothing to do with his hall-of-fame career. By that rationale, Gilbert Brown would be the best running back of all-time.
Craig Krenzel has five completions for 19 yards. The Bears are really opening up the offense under Krenzel.
My girlfriend/waitress… she just touched me. Right on the shoulder, for no reason, with a softness and affection that only a lover can provide. I don’t want to get too personal with you, but… that’s a sign that she’s ready to take things to the next level.
The Saints somehow lead the Chiefs 14-3 at the half. Derrick Blaylock also has 120 yards rushing at this point, and I feel compelled to ask… how good is Priest Holmes? I mean, they plug this Blaylock cat in there, and he’s doing the same thing Priest does. Are they both remarkable running backs? Or could Ki-Jana Carter step into the Chiefs offense and put up huge numbers?
Hey, Dave Wannstedt is on CBS. Good to see he found work already. It must be a thrill for him to sit next to Dan Marino, who called him a bad coach earlier this week. Wanny’s pretty good in the studio. He might be the best one there, actually. And that includes Shannon Sharpe, who’s been pretty disappointing. Of course, I blame CBS and their ultra-structured, vanilla format, too.
Brian Griese finds Ken Dilger for a touchdown, and the Bucs have pulled to within 3 of the Falcons. Dangerous team, the Bucs. I gotta give it up for Jon Gruden and a pretty good coaching job he’s done this year.
Between dropped touchdown passes, Seattle manages to keep chipping away at the Rams lead with field goals. It’s now 20-12.
Chicago has 14 points, none of them being produced by the offense. RW McQuarters has a punt return, and some big lumbering bastard of a defensive end has an interception return for a TD. RW McQuarters might be the Bears offensive MVP.
It’s probably not going to matter, but the Steelers had a 1st and goal at the 1, and couldn’t get in. At least the Browns will have something to think about this week other than getting crushed by a division rival, having the starting running back get beat up before the game, and having a defensive lineman talk some shit that he couldn’t even attempt to back up. Other than all that, things went really well for them.
Jim Mora Jr. and another Falcons assistant are absolutely berating some other assistant. I have no sound, so I don’t know what happened, but this guy’s getting a verbal beatdown. It’s gotta feel pretty bad to be chewed out by Jim Mora Jr.
Kelly Holcomb is in for Jeff Garcia. Why? He’ll throw some good passes against the Steelers backups, who are playing a soft defense, and ignite a quarterback controversy in the process. That’s always good for a team. The quarterback position has nothing to do with why the Browns were handled today. Holcomb goes 5-for-7 with a meaningless TD, and congrats, Butch Davis… you get another QB controversy to deal with.
Some lucky Steelers trainer gets to massage the thigh of Jerome Bettis. I hope that guy gets a bonus or something.
The Steelers win today didn’t look quite as dominating as the wins over the Eagles or Patriots, but in some ways, it was. Roethlisberger wasn’t as sharp. The run game was good, but not as outright dominant as it has been. But the Steelers still won easily. It was a very efficient game for them. I think efficient is probably the best way to describe their offense. They always have a good option. If the other team stacks the box, they can go to play action. If the other team is blitzing, Roethlisberger can get away and improvise. They can always chuck it deep to Plax. They have trick plays with Hines Ward and Antawn Randle-El that they can go to. There’s always something they can do.
The Jets/Ravens game has gone to overtime, and we’re joining in progress, just in time to see Kordell Stewart punting. He gets off a terrible punt that happens to work really well when the Jets return guy plays it terribly, and it takes a huge bounce down to about the 6. The Ravens defense will probably hold, and the Jets were just beaten in overtime by a Kordell Stewart punt.
The Redskins are on in both rooms. Brutal. As a public serve for the good of all humanity, can’t we make an effort to sequester all Redskins fans into one room, so decent human beings can be at peace in another room?
I hear a deep, masculine, Italian voice in my ear. “I want to feel you… deep inside me.” That can only mean one thing… Danks is here. I’d go to the trouble of telling you that neither one of us is gay, but you wouldn’t believe me anyway.
The Saints are up by 7 with 21 seconds to play… but they have to punt to Dante Hall. That would probably tend to make a special teams coach a little nervous.
Hall can’t put a return together, and the Saints are going to win. The Chiefs are 3-6, which is awesome.
And the Ravens win, too. They got good field position, and Matt Stover hit the game-winner. For potential wildcard purposes, this also helps the Chargers. Man, we’re winning when we don’t even play.
Giants/Cardinals is the featured game at 4:00… so Danks, AJ, and I decide to pretend to be Cardinals fans. The cardinal is the state bird of West Virginia. I bet you didn’t know that. Every time the Cardinals make a play, someone’s going, “Caw! Caw!”
There’s a Jets fan in the house rocking the Tom Tupa jersey. That’s awesome. I love it when guys wear jerseys for role players… guys like Tupa, who are important to the team, but don’t get much ink. I should get a David Binn, Chargers long snapper, jersey.
The Bengals are already decimating the Redskins. It’s 14-0. Mark Brunell is 1-for-8, with 6 yards and an INT. But hey, coach Gibbs, I’m sure it’s just a phase… stick wit him, ride this out. Or, if you do replace him, see what Mark Rypien is up to.
Mark Brunell looks like Mark Wahlberg. Josh McCown, according to Danks, looks like the oldest kid from Home Improvement. And while we’re talking about what various QBs look like, Kordell Stewart looks like a Nestle Crunch bar.
Shayne Graham of the Bengals adds a field goal, and it’s 17-0 Bengals. And here comes Patrick Ramsey into the game, dragging Joe Gibbs kicking and screaming into the 21st century.
Here’s a sucky fantasy play: Your receiver is open in the endzone. The ball is thrown to him, he gets interfered with. He doesn’t make the catch, but the penalty is called, and the team gets the ball at the 1. Some RB plunges it in and gets the TD. Meanwhile, your receiver, who did all the work to get them down there, gets no TD, no yards, no catch. I hate that.
At halftime, the Bengals lead the Redskins in total yards, 226-59.
Tiki Barber isn’t just the Giants best player, Tiki Barber is the Giants. Without him, the Giants would have absolutely no offense. The Giants without the Barber is like Harold Melvin without the Bluenotes, bitch, they’ll never go platinum.
Patrick Ramsey is sucking just as bad as Mark Brunell. He’s currently 3-of-12. Looks like their problems go a little deeper than QB. What are the odds that Joe Gibbs and Bill Parcells get drunk together somewhere in the next month or two?
This guy sitting at the table next to ours orders a mountain of wings like I’ve never before seen. Sir Edmund Hillary would struggle to get to the top of this pile of wings. There must be 40 wings in that basket. That is a seriously hungry Bengals fan.
Ramsey throws a completion, and I say, “Hey, look at that, a Redkins completion.” And, of course, on the next play, he completes another pass, this one to Bengals CB Walt Harris. Two passes in a row haven’t hit the ground. That’s progress.
Alright, we’re gonna cut this day a little short. As hard as I try, I can’t really get into the Giants/Cards or Redskins/Bengals games. I’m gonna bounce. Next week is Chargers/Raiders again. Seeya then.

the mighty mjd @ 5:20 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 09 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 7 November 2004

The Eagles/Steelers game may be the most-anticipated non-playoff NFL game ever in this bar. The clientele is mostly Steelers fans, with Eagles fans probably being the 2nd-most well-represented. It’s safe to say that they don’t like each other, but mainly because, well… no one really likes Eagles fans.

I see some parallels between the NFL’s battle for Pennsylvania, and November 2nd’s battle for Pennsylvania… You’ve got the upstart, hard-working, youth-infused, more-popular-in-the-late-70s Steelers against the undefeated incumbent media-whore, overpaid, self-aggrandizing, popular-among-losers Eagles. Should be fascinating.
The place is absolutely packed today… I assigned my representative Sammy to get there early and reserve our table, but it was taken, even at 11:30… no good.
Speaking of Sammy, I just wanna send a quick shout-out to the loyal readers at Case Western. LET’S GO… whatever the hell you guys are called. The Fighting Bankers, I’d guess.
Terry Bradshaw is at Heinz Field interviewing Ben Roethlisberger for Fox’s pregame show. Terry asks, “Am I a huge burden to you?” You’re a huge burden to everyone, asshole. What an egomaniacal question. “Hey, is it hard to be as great as me?” Ben Roethlisberger is one of the few things in Pittsburgh more popular than Journey. He could bang any attractive woman in Pittsburgh that he wanted to… all seven of them.
There is no one likable on Fox’s pregame show. When the most likable guy is the ex-Raider, that’s not a good sign. They could add Carrot Top and Roseanne, and it couldn’t get much worse.
News item on ESPN: Ed Reed working on a new touchdown celebration. Ed Reed is a safety with 1 career touchdown. Thank you, Worldwide Leader.
Fox is showing the retirement press conference of longtime Detroit Lion Robert Porcher. More than any other retirement I’ve ever seen, Porcher seemed like a guy who really loved playing football and who really loved being a part of the community.
James Brown of Fox has his son sitting on his lap. Much like everyone watching the show, the kid looks absolutely miserable. Terry Bradshaw reaches over and squeezes his cheeks. God knows where that hand has been… the child may vomit.
I might be the only one, but I like the Bengals orange uniforms. Maybe it’s not so much that I like them, but they’re better than their regular unis. It’s probably not good when the orange, tiger-striped uniforms are seen as a nice change of pace.
The Steelers win the toss and take the ball first… and proceed to stuff the pigskin directly and forcefully up the asses of the Eagles defense. Completely domination on the first drive. The Eagles never looked at all like they might be able to stop Jerome Bettis. Hines Ward finishes it off by scoring on a reverse and mocking Terrell Owens in the endzone. This might be a fun day for T.O.-haters.
The Eagles go three-and-out, Pittsburgh gets the ball back, and once again, they have their way with the Eagles. Just utter domination. The Eagles are powerless at the line of scrimmage, Jerome Bettis looks like he’s 28, and again, Hines Ward finishes off he drive by mocking Owens in the endzone. This is looking a lot like last week.
Appearing on CBS’s stat ticker: “R. KELLY: 1 REC 5 YDS” That’s just wrong. The NFL really needs to get stricter with who they let play… Jamal Lewis deserved more than 2 games, and peeing on a teenage girl should warrant at least a 4-game suspension.
Total yards thus far: Steelers 147, Eagles 3. First Downs: Steelers 15, Eagles 0.
It is now 21-0. This is an absolutely savage beating. It couldn’t be more one-sided if the Steelers were playing the Kentucky Karma of the National Women’s Football Association.
I apologize for not giving many updates of other games. I just can’t take my eyes off the train wreck that has become the Philadelphia Eagles. One of the other games I’m seeing is Cincinnati/Dallas, which probably doesn’t interest many people outside of the immediate families of Vinny Testaverde and Carson Palmer, and Buffalo/NY Jets, which Buffalo currently leads 7-3.
Another Eagles three-and-out, and here we go… the first adversity that the Eagles have faced all year, and Terrell Owens is following Donovan McNabb around the sidelines bitching at him. McNabb appears to just want to walk away, Owens keeps following him at yapping at him, and McNabb looks pissed. He’s completely ignoring him. Owens, perhaps not shockingly, just won’t shut up.
Ben Roethlisberger makes his first poor decision of the past two weeks and throws an interception into double coverage on a deep ball.
The Eagles take possession, and the next two plays are passes to Owens. A complete act of pacification. I think Andy Reid and the Eagles are afraid, and perhaps rightfully so, to upset Terrell Owens. He bitched, and he got the ball. They still went three-and-out, and the Eagles coaching staff is clearly letting their play-calling be affected by the delicate ego of Terrell Owens.
While we’re on the subject, give credit to Donovan McNabb for not saying anything back to Owens. After the game, they’ll both blow it off, say it’s something that happens in the heat of battle, but it was clear that Owens was bitching AT McNabb about something. Had McNabb responded, it makes it a bigger distraction, a bigger issue, and much harder to sweep under the rug.
The Steelers are honoring some former greats at halftime or something… Mean Joe Greene is there, and I’m pretty sure he could still start at linebacker. The man looks absolutely terrifying.
Roy Williams, right before the half, makes a huge hit on a kickoff coverage play for the Cowboys. He layed some wood and made a nice play, but why? He’s the franchise. Why send him out there to risk injury on a special teams play?
Andy Reid declined to talk to Pam Oliver at halftime, which says more more than anything that could actually be said in a halftime interview with a coach. Why not just do the standard “we need to execute better” interview that says nothing anyway? Now he just looks like a bitch.
Willis McGahee is running very well for the Bills. Every time I look over there, he’s finding the right hole and picking up positive yards for the Bills. They look like a much better team with McGahee carrying the load.
No Eagles player has been a factor in this game so far. Terrell Owens has probably been their best player, and he’s been a complete non-factor.
Mike Williams, offensive lineman in Buffalo, is hurt very seriously. It’s not get-me-a-trainer hurt, it’s ambulance on-the-field hurt. Bills and Jets players are huddled in circles praying. Williams gives a thumbs-up from the stretcher as he’s being put in the ambulance.
The third quarter ends with the score Steelers 24, Eagles 3. Sign in the crowd: “‘72 Dolphins, pop the cork.”
And as happy as I am that the Steelers are winning this game, for some reason, I really want those old men to be unhappy. The idea of the ‘72 Dolphins gathering and drinking champagne once a year when the last undefeated team loses… it just seems sad. Find something else in your lives to be happy about, fellas.
Sam’s wife is drunk and rubbing my nipple.
How bad do the Cowboys suck? They’re not the worst team in the league or anything, but shouldn’t they be better than this? They’re getting romped by the Bengals. A Vinny interception seals it.
Early in the 4th quarter, Troy Aikman is calling for the Eagles to pull McNabb. He says there’s no sense in risking injury in a game the Eagles can’t win, but you know… that didn’t stop them from playing him in the last three NFC championship games.
Hines Ward, Plaxico Burress, and Antwan Randle-El take a second out of their busy days to stop and pose for the sky cam. That’s the kind of day it’s been. This game has been over since about 1:30.
Final rushing yards: Steelers, 250. Eagles, 21. Credit goes to the Eagles for quadrupling the rushing output that the Patriots had against the Steelers last week.
An Eagles fan walks out of the back room, right past our table, and he’s smiling, trying to be friendly, take his abuse, and get out. My man Nate won’t have it. He looks at the guy and goes, “Get the fuck out of here.”
With the Bengals/Cowboys game over, coverage switches to the end of the Arizona/Miami game. In what’s becoming a weekly highlight, Danks and AJ celebrate the appearance of Cardinals punter Scott Player by singing “Plaaaaaaya…” when he takes the field.
The color guy in the Cardinals game is talking, and I could have sworn he said, “…and the Cardinals, fuck that.” Chris and I immediately exchange “did you hear that?” looks. I can’t come up with anything else he might’ve said that would’ve sounded like that. That was weird, but we are apparently the only two who heard it.
It’s 4:00, and the Chargers game is only on in the back. The Patriots are on in front, so Danks and I will be separated. It’s very sad. Long-distance relationships are difficult to maintain.
The Chargers don’t look entirely sharp on their first drive, but fortunately, the Saints are terrible. We pull off a fake punt, and the Saints give us a few key penalties, and before long, Antonio Gates is hauling in a Drew Brees pass for a touchdown.
Gates is called for a 15-yard penalty for spiking the ball in the guy’s face, but… I can live with it. Eh, who am I kidding, I am ecstatic about it… spike it in his face, spike it in his mother’s face, I don’t care. Just keep the touchdowns coming.
Aaron Brooks’ first two passes bounce off the hands of San Diego Chargers. His next one is even better. Under heavy pressure on 3rd and 10, Brooks turns around, facing his own endzone, and throws the ball to Saints offensive lineman Wayne Gandy. The pass is thrown directly backwards, meaning it’s a live ball, thrown to an offensive lineman, who can’t catch it anyway. That’s the dumbest play I’ve seen since Plaxico Burress spiked a live ball a couple years ago.
And the Bucs pull out a win against the Chiefs, providing some help to the Chargers. We’re a couple of games ahead of them in the standings, but they’ve been on fire. Thank you, Bucs.
Assante Samuel, Patriots corner, gets injured… and the Patriots are now playing Troy Brown at corner. And he’s not bad… he’d probably start for the Colts.
There’s a Saints fan back here, at a table with 3 or 4 of his boys, and they’re all ganging up on him. One guy says to him, “Hey, it’s one thing to be a fan, but it’s another thing to lie to yourself.” It’s a fine line… and one I’m very familiar with.
Tom Brady drops back and hits Mike Vrabel on a fade pattern in the corner of the endzone. Yes, you read that correctly. It was an amazing catch, too… Vrabel at wideout, Troy Brown at corner… interesting. Let’s see if Larry Izzo can play quarterback.
The Chargers are just rolling, despite not being all that sharp. The Saints have been terrible. There are plays when Aaron Brooks looks like he can be an MVP candidate, and there are plays when he does some of the dumbest things imaginable.
By the way, it’s nice to be complaining about the Chargers not being sharp, as opposed to just outright being terrible. It’s a wonderful change of pace.
I love when they show the clips of Antonio Gates playing basketball at Kent State. Quality player. I believe he could be starting on at least a dozen NBA teams right now.
With the score 20-7 at the half, my friend Pat walks into the place. I haven’t seen the guy in almost a year. The first thing he does is sit down and take off his shoe and sock, showing us some frostbite he got while climbing some damn mountain in a brutal snowstorm. This is absolutely bizarre.
At halftime of the Patriots game, Danks comes back to say hello. Well, he actually didn’t say hello, he said, “Lick my taint.” The Smorgasbord just isn’t the same when Danks isn’t in the same room. Danks, you complete me.
Saints lineman Wayne Gandy holds in the endzone, and the Chargers pick up a safety. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt bad for a Chargers opponent. In fact, it may never have happened before. More often than not, I’ve spent the afternoon feeling sorry for myself.
Kassim Osgood gets in on the action, catching a screen, pushing various bitch-ass Saints out of his way, and strolling into the endzone.
The Bolts will be 6-3 and tied for the division lead heading into the bye week. It is fun to be good.

the mighty mjd @ 5:17 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 08 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 31 October 2004

Accompanied by a sappy piano in the background, Terrell Owens is crying on CBS. Listen, I’m really sorry that his grandmother died, and it’s cool that he’s working to get funding for Alzheimer’s research, but… it’s 12:30 on a Sunday. It’s time for football. It is not time for a very special episode of Dr. Phil. The only people I want to see crying today are Raiders fans at about 7:00 tonight when they realize that the only difference between Warren Sapp and the degenerate fan in the Darth Vader costume is that Sapp actually gets paid to embarrass himself on Sundays.

Crazy Fish Guy is not only in the house this week, he is sitting right next to us. I am currently about six feet away from the legend. He’s feeling chatty, too. Right now, Danks is bearing the brunt of his verbal barrage. I overhear, “I gotta pray for a miracle to beat those stupid Jets.” I really wanna hear Crazy Fish Guy say “fuck.” I’ve never heard him say anything worse than “damn.”
I’m trying to have various conversations with AJ and Danks, but Crazy Fish Guy isn’t having it. He’s trampling out conversations. Every time I try to say something, Crazy Fish Guy blurts out something about taking the over on some game.
The Mayne Event on ESPN is funny. Frank Caliendo on Fox is sometimes funny. These animated Thurston Long bits on CBS’s pregame… are brutal. If you enjoy teary-eyed egomaniacs and lame-ass comedy, CBS’s pregame is the place for you.
My man Chris joins us and has a seat at the end of the table, closest to Crazy Fish Guy. He looks at the legend and says, “How are you?” Crazy Fish Guy turns around with a massive glob of mayonnaise on his face. Later, I’m going to try and recreate this scene in a painting and sell it to the Louvre.
Crazy Fish Guy wisely has the over in the Chiefs/Colts game, and he’s cheering for points. Anyone scores, he cheers. And while we’re on the subject, what would the over have to be in a Chiefs/Colts game before you hesitated? Triple digits?
Perhaps you’ve heard about this little historical anomaly in the Redskins/Packers game. It’s gotten a little bit of media attention. I don’t wanna go over the state, but if the Packers win today, John Kerry wins, and evil is defeated. Needless to say… huge Pack fan today.
Johnnie Morton scores for the Chiefs and breaks out an absolutely stellar worm. This might be the greatest touchdown celebration in NFL history. It’s up there with Billy “White Shoes” Johnson. Johnnie’s technique is flawless. I wish he was a better player so we’d see it more often.
It’s 10-0 Packers… and Kerry has taken Wisconsin.
I put Chris in charge of finding out how Crazy Fish Guy plans to vote. He’s apparently not willing to tell. Chris broaches the subject, and Crazy Fish Guy says, “I don’t know who’s gonna win, but I bet there’s gonna be lawsuits out the yin-yang.” I’m laughing as I type that. I still wanna hear him say fuck, but yin-yang… that’s pretty good, too.
The Giants are laying wood to the Vikings… it’s 17-0 G-Men.
Our waitress today seems to not mind if her breast is pressed firmly against me. Never has a server been so careless about pressing a titty against me if she’s reaching for a glass or an ashtray. This is awesome.
Touchdown Priest Holmes… and Crazy Fish Guy is just smiling ear-to-ear. He seems to just love gambling. People love a lot of things in life, be it their children, their wives, their hobbies. Crazy Fish Guy’s true love… is the over.
And it’s now 17-0 Packers… and John Kerry has taken Michigan, too.
Keyshawn scores a touchdown for the Cowboys, and takes the ball and gives it to a fan with a disability. That’s awesome. Keyshawn deserves some love for that. And it was a very good play, too.
And the Skins pick up a touchdown to make it 17-7. Bush has taken West Virginia and Hawaii.
“I wonder how many 50-year-old white women in Wisconsin right now would like to have just one night with Daunte Culpepper. That’d be a great porno.” - Danks
I haven’t mentioned it yet, but it’s going to be pretty intense in here at around 4:00. Danks is a big Patriots fan, and just about everyone else in the place but me is a big Steelers fan. It’s also Raiders/Chargers day, which means MJD might have to stab someone. It’s about halftime, and the tension is already building.
Crazy Fish Guy makes direct eye contact with me and says, “Two more touchdowns!” I am in awe of Crazy Fish Guy’s love for the over. I’ll probably never love a woman like he loves the over.
We’re having power issues in the bar. The power company has apparently told the place not to use any power that isn’t necessary. The air conditioning has been shut off. It’s hot. It’s damn hot. Real hot. Hottest things is my shorts. I could cook things in it. A little crotch pot cooking.
Crazy Fish Guy gets one of his touchdowns. I have no idea what the score of the Colts/Chiefs game is, nor do I care. It’s like an NBA game. This game has just completely devalued the touchdown for the rest of the NFL. I’ll check back with 5:00 left and the score is 77-70.
Packers add a field goal… and it’s 20-7. John Kerry has taken Iowa.
Dante Hall appears to be getting some of his return mojo back. He doesn’t score, but he breaks off a nice one. Haven’t heard much from Dante this year.
And someone else scores, and Crazy Fish Guy gets his over. Congratulations, my man. I think he’s touching himself.
Rod Gardner scores a touchdown for the Redskins… and Bush takes Minnesota. It looks as if this one could come down to Florida.
Keyshawn with another TD for the Cowboys, and he again gives the ball to a girl who uses a wheelchair. I’m starting to love Keyshawn, though I’m kinda concerned about people in Dallas starting to fake disabilities just so they can get Keyshawn’s touchdown balls.
Interception Redskins. Says Chris, “30,000 black votes in Florida just got lost.”
And… the power has gone completely out. The bar is dark, with the exception of candlelight. I almost instinctively yell, “ORGY!”
AJ points out that there are about three girls in the place. Man, are they gonna be sore tomorrow.
I then suggest that everyone go around the room and introduce ourselves. Danks goes, “Hi, I’m Danks, I’m a Pisces, and I love cock.” Power outages do strange things to people. But I’m not judging.
It’s been like five minutes… this is getting just flat-out weird. Chris just peed by candlelight.
I call my brother to get play-by-play of the end of the Redskins/Packers game. Ahman scores a touchdown, Kerry is able to keep Bush from stealing Florida again, and things are as they should be.
Alright… we once again have juice. Just in time for the Raiders/Chargers game. Chris has talked Crazy Fish Guy into calling up his bookie and putting some lumber down on the Chargers, so we have the Crazy Fish Guy karma on our side today. I think the Steelers and Patriots are playing, too, I dunno. We join the game in progress, just as the bitch-ass Raiders are ready to punt.
And that was easy. Drew Brees leads the Chargers downfield for a score. Touchdown for back-up TE Justin Peelle. Good guys leading 7-0, just like that.
Alright… this is the most bizarre sideline report since Eric Dickerson left Monday Night football. Scott Kaplan is reporting with a Spiderman mask on. He’s showing us a massive swarm of bees that residing in the Raiders practice kicking net. A group of stadium workers drapes a tarp over the entire net. Don’t do that… let’s get a little home-field advantage out of this. Let them deal with the Bees. I would love to see Warren Sapp just get swarmed.
The Chargers have pumpkins painted on their field. No other team in the NFL has pumpkins on their field. We rule.
Early in the Steelers/Patriots game, Ben Roethlisberger finds Plaxico Burress deep for a Steelers TD. The place erupts. Danks is less than thrilled. 7-0 Steelers.
About a minute later, the Steelers jump on a Patriots fumble. Even Crazy Fish Guy is excited.
LaDainian Tomlinson goes over the top… TD Bolts. 14-0. The Raiders suck.
And it’s Plaxico Burress in the endzone again. 14-3 Steelers. On the next play from scrimmage, Tom Brady is picked off, it’s taken to the house, and it’s 21-3 Steelers. Danks is calling for Rohan Davey. Watching a replay of Brady’s INT, Danks says, “Nice pass, you fucking faggot.”
Kerry Collins leads a touchdown drive. Yeah, I was shocked, too. It’s 14-7.
But the Chargers respond. Keenan McCardell, who is awesome, was wide open in the endzone. Drew Brees is currently 12 of 14 passing, while on the TV next to him, Tom Brady is apparently going as 2003 Drew Brees for Halloween.
Danks continues to call various Patriots “fucking faggots.” We here at the Smorgasbord apologize, but we’ve got a commitment to the truth. We’re just keeping it real.
Tim Dwight pulls down a great catch in the endzone for another Chargers TD through the air. I just feel like giving Drew Brees a sponge bath right now. It’s 28-7… how does Drew Brees’ cock taste, Oakland?
CBS shows a shot of Charles Woodson walking off the field with head hanging. I yell, “WHERE ARE YOU GOING, PUSSY?!” Oh… it’s halftime, which I guess means he’s walking back to the locker room. Sorry.
At halftime, I see a highlight of Terrell Owens doing Ray Lewis’s trademark spastic dance moves after scoring a touchdown. That’s awesome. I’m not really a TO fan, but I am a Ray Lewis hater… and he just got SERVED. And it was a good impression, too… TO had to be studying film of that dance.
The Steelers keep rolling, and Tom Brady looks terrible. He appears to be confused and flustered by what the Steelers are doing to him. Danks is not taking it well. It’s a little sad to see what’s happening to him. He just yelled, “Tom Brady fucking licks taint,” and then began singing, “Taaaaaint-Licker…”
Straight out of the half, it’s another easy touchdown drive for the Chargers, and it’s 35-7. It’s something I’ll never find out about first-hand, but having a long drive home from a football game after just getting torched by Drew Brees, while your face is covered in silver paint and your shoulder pad spikes are tearing up the upholstery of your car, just can’t be a lot of fun.
The Steelers add a touchdown, and it’s evident that another New England streak will be ending today. The good news is that I’m not sure many New Englanders will notice. When they do, though, they’ll probably make up some “Curse of Bill Belichick’s Dark Gray Hoodie” or something.
The Chargers score again… and the scoreboard reads Oakland 7, San Diego, forty-deuce. Warren Sapp on the sidelines is bitching out Norv Turner. Waaaaaaaaaaah… I guess he wants Norv to install the plays that don’t so clearly expose your starting nose tackle and prize free agent acquisition to be a washed-up sack of shit that hasn’t even come close to making one play all game.
Danks just broke off the top part of his zippo lighter. Looking at the bright side of things, though, he does observe that now the Patriots won’t have to say that the last coach to beat them was Steve Spurrier. Hooray for the glass being half-full.
Jesse Chatman enters the game for LaDainian, and Jesse Chatman continues to do what Jesse Chatman does. This is three or four weeks in a row now that he has come in and just had his way with a defense.
I hadn’t noticed to this point, but the Falcons are doing the Broncos dirty, in Denver.
“I would skullfuck Jim Nants right now.” - Danks
With 2:00 to play, Sammy Davis intercepts Kerry Collins in the endzone… and the Raiders can suck me. I’d have liked to have seen some Phil Rivers at the end of the game, but for whatever the reason, Marty isn’t having it. Oh well.
#23 for the Raiders makes a tackle at the line of scrimmage and gets up and starts pointing to himself like he’s awesome. Scoreboard, bitch. If you were that good, you wouldn’t be trying to find a way to pull Drew Brees’s cock out of your mouth right now. Shut the fuck up and get back to your huddle.
It’s over… 42-14 final. That felt good. And the Steelers game isn’t officially over, but it’s over.
Danks has taken a piece of paper from my notebook and written a suicide note. Here it is, verbatim:
“To all loved ones: Suck my fucking dick, this game sucks cunt. I always loved MJD and his huge cock. But who gives a fuck now. Go Red Sox, because you know how to win. Fuck the Pats, I hope they lose the rest of their games. Sucky my fucking greasy wop cock. - Danks.”
At least he’s taking the loss well.
It’s hard to understate the value of this win for Pittsburgh. The Steelers had a good record, but had beaten nobodies. And this win comes in a dominating fashion against a team who had won more consecutive games than anyone in history. Remember in Pulp Fiction when the Wolf says, “Let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet”? Well… now they can. The Steelers are back to playing physical football, and they are very good at it. Get yourselves some lip balm, Steelers fans, and enjoy this one.
What a day. The Packers win for John Kerry, the Bolts dominate the weak little Raiders, the Steelers roll the Patriots, and Danks is going to kill himself… sweet. Is it a coincidence that we were so close to Crazy Fish Guy all day? I’m thinking no… I think good things happen when Crazy Fish Guy is close to me. I’m going to try to get him to adopt me.

the mighty mjd @ 5:12 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 07 - 2004/2005

Posted on Sunday 24 October 2004

“Is this guy just another dumb fucking white man, or what?” That’s Robert Deniro from Casino and today, it’s me when I learn that the TV guy has the Chargers game on at the tiny little TV at the bar. He knows I’m coming, he knows I’ll bitch, and he knows he’s going to end up putting my game on anyway… I don’t know why he insists on going through this ritual every week. I ask him to move the game, and he says he put it on at the bar because of the team’s combined records. Meanwhile, the Rams/Dolphins game is on the big screen in the front room. Jagoff.

I’m watching Fox’s pregame, something I haven’t done all year, and something I hoped to never have to do again. Fox’s pregame has about as much actual NFL analysis as does FoodNation with Bobby Flay.
On ESPN’s pre-game show, they’re asking which is bigger: the Patriots streak, or the Red Sox playing the World Series. Tough question. Ask your average New Englander if they’d rather win Game 2 against the Cardinals or disband the entire Patriots franchise, and they’ll offer to personally help tear down Gillette stadium.
Oh, good… coming up next, Terry Bradshaw interviews Warren Sapp. No one in that room will be annoying or anything.
Bradshaw, asking the hard-hitting questions, wants to know if Sapp wears boxers or briefs. Sapp answers, “neither.” I begin to twitch involuntarily. Sapp then starts singing “Free-Ballin’” to the tune of Tom Petty’s “Free Fallin’,” which was actually really funny.
Games I can see are Iggles/Browns, Titans/Vikings, Bolts/Cardinals, and Jags/Colts.
Jay Glazer is working the sidelines of the Iggles/Browns game, and he reports that the officials have rejected some of the footballs that were to be used for the game. The Browns sent out these scuffed up footballs because, according to Glazer, “Jeff Garcia prefers to play with older, used balls.” I bet T.O. made him say that.
Doesn’t Carolina usually wear black? I haven’t seen them much this year. Today, they’re wearing some powder blue rip-offs. They look like pussies. The Chargers, when they wear the powder blues, however, look both stylish and masculine.
On the first play from scrimmage for the Eagles, Donovan McNabb goes deep to Todd Pinkston. Sam Rosen calls him Terrell Owens. On the second play, McNabb throws for a TD to Chad Lewis. Sam Rosen calls him Mike Bartrum. Good start for the Eagles. Bad start for Sam Rosen. Pat Summerall never screwed up that bad, and he apparently was drunk for 90% of his career. If Rosen starts referring to Donovan McNabb as Ty Detmer, he might wanna consider retiring.
On the Chargers first play from scrimmage, LaDainian Tomlinson coughs up a fumble. It’s just feels weird… it’s not something you see often. I feel like I just caught the Pope masturbating. He hasn’t lost a fumble since 2001.
The Browns respond by running right through the Eagles defense for a touchdown. Lee Suggs and William Green both just absolutely gashed them. This appears to be the Eagles achilles heel.
So Carolina, already up 3-0, is knocking on the door. On the same play, the Chargers pick up pass interference and roughing the passer penalties. At least we did manage to get a fake interception out of it.
Terrell Owens, touchdown. He runs over to the corner of a stadium and spikes the ball off of a sign that says, “T.O. has B.O.” I hope Owens wasn’t offended by the insinuation that he has body odor, but rather the sheer lameness of the sign. The people who made that lame-ass sign just got more attention than they ever deserved. Really, Cleveland, the best you can come up with is saying that Owens smells bad? OHHHH… T.O. GOT SERVED.
The Chargers somehow escape giving up only a field goal, and it’s 6-0. It should be 14-0, or at least 10-0.
Through four offensive plays, the Chargers have one fumble, one holding call, and one false start. I’m noticing that we’re getting off to slow starts on the road.
Browns WR Andre King falls down on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. For seemingly no reason, he just fell. I thought he blacked out or something. I’d later learn that he sprained his ankle. Yes, he sprained his ankle on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. Does he have the Samuel L. Jackson from Unbreakable disease?
So, my potential new girlfriend is here, but she’s not my waitress. She keeps looking over and smiling, but she hasn’t actually talked to me. I like it when they play hard-to-get. I’ll have her naked by halftime.
The Carolina/SD game has turned into the Brad Hoover show. He’s running, he’s catching, he’s making me wish he would sprain his ankle on the way from the huddle to the line of scrimmage. I hate him.
Terrell Owens hauls in another touchdown catch, and goes to the back of the endzone and tears down a sign that had a picture of a rat, and said, “Takes One to know one,” with the T. and the O. standing out. Another outstanding sign, Cleveland. Apparently, no one in Cleveland ever got out of the fifth grade. In the 2nd half, are they going to break out the sign that says, “T.O. is a big poopyhead”?
Ricky Manning, CB for the Panthers, commits about a 40-yard pass interference penalty. I yell, “FUCK YOU AND YOUR BROTHER PEYTON.” At least a few people always think I’m serious when I do this. The Chargers have been completely outplayed, and actually have a chance to be leading at halftime.
At halftime of the Eagles/Browns game, Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long are talking about nothing but how great Terrell Owens is playing, and how the Eagles are dominating. They’re up by 4, and the Browns can run on them at will. It’s going to be a game.
Hey, the Dolphins are winning. Did the Rams start Jim Everett?
Danks: “Hey, Kaeding hasn’t missed one yet this year, has he?”
Me: “No, actually, he hasn’t.”
DOINK. Nate Kaeding banks one off the goal post, no good. Thanks a lot, Danks, you dirty prick.
Halftime has come and gone, and I’ve had no waitresses naked. Just didn’t want to leave you hanging.
This guy comes and sits at the table next to us, looking like one of the old bosses in Casino. That’s two Casino references in one Smorgasbord. Extra value for you, the reader. Anyway, if I wanna have the TV guy clipped, this is definitely the man I need to talk to. He has killed before, clearly.
LaDainian finally gets into the groove and breaks off an 8-yard touchdown run. Chargers lead, never to look back.
Quentin Jammer lays a big hit on someone, and Danks starts singing his own special tune. It’s like a slow, high-pitched love song… “You got Jammed, bitch…”
Brandon Short, special teamer for the Eagles, takes a knee to the head and immediately goes limp. He’s bleeding from the mouth. Not good. He’s moving, but the movements aren’t natural. He’s kinda twitching, almost.
Okay… he’s moving, he’s up, he’s walking. Phew. He’s also talking shit to the Browns bench as he gets carted off. Nice.
Things are looking good for the Fish. They’re up 31-14. For all the St. Louis reporters who have ever been annoyed with Mike Martz’s smart-ass know-it-all attitude at press conferences, today is the day for revenge. Good luck finding a justification for getting worked by the Dolphins, pal.
And Jesse Chatman breaks off a long run down to the Carolina 10. Tomlinson has been bottled up all day, Chatman comes in, and has his way. Either the Panthers D doesn’t key on the run so much when Chatman is in, or LaDainian Tomlinson is only the 2nd-best running back in the NFL… behind Jesse Chatman.
It’s a Jesse Chatman touchdown, AND THAT’S HOW WE DO SHIT IN SAN DIEGO. 17-6, Chargers.
Josh Scobee, roughly the size of my right leg, is about to attempt a 53-yarder to win for the Jags. His career long is 48 yards. It’s up, it’s good, and Jacksonville’s going to win in Indy. Impressive W for the Jags, and all three Mannings, Peyton, Eli, and Ricky, are losing today. And while we’re at it, Archie loses every day when he wakes up realizes that his youngest son is a sock-chewin’ bitch.
The Browns, down 7 and driving, get an absolute gift of a roughing the passer call on a 4th down that wouldn’t have been successful. I think the refs might be rooting for Garcia to beat Owens. I’m serious. And I don’t blame them… I am too.
Garcia runs it in for a Cleveland score, and the game is tied. Man, I really want the Browns to win this thing. And then I want Jeff Garcia to go find Terrell Owens, tackle him, hold him down, and start humping his facemask.
Danks chuckles every time the Iggles return a kick, because their kick returner is named J.R. Reed. J.R. Reid is a former center for the Charlotte Hornets and UNC Tarheels, and had a marvelous high-top fade, second only in beauty to the guy from Kid ‘n Play. I don’t remember if it was Kid or Play, though. Sorry.
The Eagles go long to T.O. in overtime, and it’s incomplete. I yell, “SORRY, BITCH.” This old pro bowler-looking guy with a rapist mustache laughs and turns around to me and says, “I like you!”
Almost immediately after that, Randall Gay of the Patriots recovers a fumble, and I yell, “IT’S GAY TIME!” In retrospect, this is probably not the best way to respond when a creepy old guy just told me he likes me. Something tells me I’m about to get his phone number.
David Akers is cash… and unfortunately, the Eagles win. Jeff Garcia will have to hump T.O.’s facemask some other day.
For some reason, we decide to build a team of peanuts. This is done by, first, getting some complimentary peanuts. Second, opening them until we find the perfectly-sized nut to play each position. Huge nuts are linemen, long, thin nuts are wideouts, etc. We build an entire offense and defense, complete with punter and kicker. We haven’t even been drinking. We are losers.
Larry Fitzerald is on fire early for the Cardinals, and they’re up 7-3 over the Seahawks. Josh McCown actually has pretty amazing numbers thus far.
David Patten catches a nice TD pass from Tom Brady, and the Patriots go up 13-7. I really want Tom Brady to get arrested for something absolutely filthy. I don’t have anything against him, but he’s just too clean-cut, too universally-liked… I want to wake up tomorrow and see a picture of him in the paper beating up a stripper or something.
The Patriots have won their last 27 games when leading at the half. They lead the Jets at the half.
Wow… Ann Heche is staring in a CBS made-for-TV movie, and it even looks like a particularly bad CBS made-for-TV movie. I guess all that ‘I’m a lesbian, no I’m not a lesbian’ stuff wasn’t as good for her career as she thought it would be. It’s too bad, I think she’s a pretty good actress.
CBS shows Jack Del Rio’s postgame speech, and he’s babbling something about a Clint Eastwood movie and “shootin’ em up.” Whatever. I think Jack Del Rio might be on speed. At the very least, he drinks like 7 Red Bulls before each game. Just try to keep your punters away from axes, fella.
Danks asks if there are any famous Steelers fans. I mention that yes, Liberace was a huge Steelers fan. Chris suggests that Liberace was probably more likely to be a Chargers fan, and I gotta admit, he’s right. I can see Liberace wearing a sequined lightning bolt jacket… AND LOOKING DAMN GOOD DOING IT.
Sorry.
The Seahawks are down 10 at the half. Wasn’t it just like a week ago that everyone thought they were the best team in the NFL? Call me crazy, but losing to the Cardinals just might do something to negatively affect their reputation as a great football team.
It looks like it’s raining pretty well at the Patriots game. The Red Sox might not play tonight. How is it that in such a violent sport, with so much more athletic and physical activity, they’ll play in a damn monsoon, but a light drizzle starts in a baseball game, and they call it off? I think they should just leave the tarp on the field and play on it.
If Pam Oliver interviewed me, I’d definitely have to pull a Joe Namath on her. Only it would be much dirtier.
Emmitt Smith gets loose in the Seahawks secondary and absolutely jukes the jockstrap off of some d-back. I’m guessing that that guy won’t particularly enjoy the film session where he sees a 54-year-old running back breaking his ankles in the open field.
This guy for the Packers named Jue… I bet he’s not even Jewish. Poser.
3rd and 2, late in the game for the Patriots… if they pick this up, they can run out the clock and take home a W. Corey Dillon gets it, and the streak is now at 21. The game next week at Pittsburgh, though… that one will be tough.
I don’t think I’m going to be able to stay for the duration of the Cardinals/Seahawks game. There’s too much time left, and my ass hurts. Back atcha next week for Chargers/Raiders.

the mighty mjd @ 5:05 pm
Filed under: Smorgasbords
previous posts + »
« + newer posts