Skip to content

Joey Porter’s advice column

Kinda like Dear Abby... but more likely to break one of your bones, just to hear the snapping sound.

Steelers linebacker Joey Porter takes time out of his busy Super Bowl week to debut has brand new advice column. I’m happy to carry it here on…

Dear Joey,

Joey, I’m desperate and I need your help. I think my husband might be cheating on me. Do you think I should confront him?

Fed Up in Flint

Dear Fed Up:

Confront him? Girl, you need to get PHYSICAL. What you gonna do, go cryin’ to your man, like ‘Awww, I think you’re being unfaithful, Waaah, and it makes me feel sad.’ Fuck all that, girl. Get yourself a shovel, wait for him in the garage, and when he comes home and steps out of that car, BOOM. Go upside that man’s HEAD.

Of course, if you ain’t a good wife, you need to keep your mouth shut, you know? Not just anyone can be talkin’ shit. So unless you have dinner ready for him on the table every night and you’re givin’ up that ass whenever he wants it, you need to keep that mouth shut. Because if you start saying shit he doesn’t like, and you haven’t been to two or three Pro Bowls, he has every right to put on a pair of brass knucks and bust you in your grillpiece.

Best of luck,

Dear Joey,

Hey, what’s up, I’m a huge Steelers fan. Best of luck on Sunday. Here’s my question: There’s this girl at school who I kinda like and I think she likes me too, but I can’t tell. Like, sometimes she’ll smile at me, and sometimes she pretends I’m not even there. It confuses me.

Smitten in San Jose

Dear Smitten,

I can’t STAND that bitch, playin’ all those games like that. If she likes you, she needs to step and tell you she’s down for you, you know? But all those games and smilin’ and winkin’, that bitch reminds me of Peyton Manning. Here’s what I think you should do: Blitz that triflin’ ho from the weak side, and put the crown of your helmet right into her motherfuckin’ sternum and drop her like Ali did Liston. ARRRGH.

And then get up and kick the air, just to let the rest of them hoes know where you stand.

Best of luck,

Dear Joey,

I think the Seahawks might win Sunday.

Seahawks Fan in – Well, there’s no way I’m telling you where I live.

Dear Seahawks Fan,

I’MMA KILL YOU, MOTHERFUCKER. YOU HEAR ME? I will take a sledgehammer to your FACE. I’m gonna FIND where you live. You can’t hide from me. I’m gonna have your letter fingerprinted, and I’m going to track you down AND MURDER YOUR ENTIRE FUCKING FAMILY, YOU DIRTY RAT-SOUP EATIN’ MOTHERFUCKER. Don’t go to sleep, punk son of a bitch. You hear me? DO NOT GO TO SLEEP. Because the second you do, I’m going to wake your mama up and make her watch me stab you to death with a pair of left-handed scissors. I suggest you make peace with God. You are going to DIE.

Best of luck,

Dear Joey,

I’m a pretty nervous person, and I sometimes have trouble relaxing. How do you unwind during the off-season?

Tense in Tempe

Dear Tense,

Mainly, I just walk around the malls in Pittsburgh, and anyone who doesn’t ask me for my autograph, I kill.

Best of luck,


  1. DookieStyle DookieStyle

    As much as I want to hate this column, its too funny.

  2. Jerseyrules Jerseyrules

    Joey, Please just shut up! If you need this BS to pump your self up, get another line of work. GROW UP!

  3. RV RV

    Classic Joey Porter. Even the Steelers fans around the office appreciated this one.

  4. Chucky Atkins Jr. Chucky Atkins Jr.

    That was awesome! Seriously, Dear Joey should be a weekly column on this site.

  5. Senator Rick Santorum Senator Rick Santorum

    Hello. I am Senator Rick Santorum.

    I admire your attitude, Joey. And your extensive vocabulary is, well, interesting to say the least. When your football playing days are over, perhaps you could send me a resume. I could use a few good people like you on my team! (Do you know how to operate a wood chipper?)

    Cheers. And good luck on Sunday.

    This has been a message from Senator Rick Santorum.

  6. dlowie dlowie

    That was awesome. I especially appreciated the Dolemite reference, that was the icing on the cake… Should have worked some Black Belt Jones in here too, because Joey Porter is definitely a bogart…

  7. I’m a Steeler fan as well and the stuff is funny, but I think you might be missing the point of the whole Joey Porter running his mouth stuff.

    All he’s trying to do is build up some true hate for the other team. There’s no history between these two teams. I bet the Steelers didn’t know half the players on their team until two weeks ago. All Porter did was create that hate for him, his teamattes, and the fans against the Seahawks that didn’t exist previously.

    This is gonna benefit the Steelers big time if you ask me.

    And before I get a reply of “it’s the super bowl, you should already be fired up”. save it. they were fired up before to win, but now they want blood.

  8. BigBoi BigBoi

    Here’s what I think you should do: Blitz that triflin’ ho from the weak side, and put the crown of your helmet right into her motherfuckin’ sternum and drop her like Ali did Liston. ARRRGH.

    Ok that shit is just classic I’ma use that one. lol

  9. I don’t know about this whole out for blood thing. If you look at any of the other interviews, no one seems to care about this. I can’t imagine Roethlisberger playing better because he’s angry at Jerramy Stevens. Even Porter’s own teamates (James Farrior) laugh when the media asks them about this. It seems like it’s a joke to everyone but him. He’s like the crazy uncle that gets works up during the holidays and everyone just smiles, shakes their head and says “oh crazy uncle…that’s just how he is.”, which is pretty much what Bill Cowher said.

  10. Cox Cox

    Great stuff. You are a psychopath, MJD, but I mean that in a good way.

  11. DookieStyle DookieStyle

    word ’round the campfire is that the team went to dinner last night at Jerome’s momma’s house…

    And this was all that anyone could talk about. Everyone was fired up.

  12. The whole team isn’t going to start ripping on the Seahawks and vice versa. Of course they are going to try and diffuse the situation, otherwise it might have a reverse affect against them.

    They’re going to laugh at if off and pretend they don’t care, cause they don’t want to fuel the other teams fire anymore then it already has been. But trust me, they are all ready to fuck the Seahawks up.

  13. ryan ryan

    The Dolemite reference finally makes its way to All is right in the world.

  14. theotheruw theotheruw

    It’s Friday, and we haven’t really discussed Sunday’s matchup yet. The day after the teams were decided, you said “We’ve got two weeks to kill before the game, so we’re going to pace ourselves on the X’s and O’s.” Consider ourselves paced. Now can we discuss the 3rd quarter over/under of 10, 4/5 odds that Pitt will have the first sack, and all of the other rediculous prop bets?

  15. “And then get up and kick the air, just to let the rest of them hoes know where you stand.”

    You really don’t see enough air kicking as punctuation anymore. Hopefully Joey’s letters will get everyone a little more fired up!

  16. Big Daddy Big Daddy

    First of all – mjd I love the new “look” on the site. Secondly I gotta tell you this Dear Joey column made me LMAO! Every time I think you couldn’t get any funnier you pull something like this out of your sock-drawer. Keep it coming!

  17. Did you see the poll on It asks:

    Should the NFL rotate the Super Bowl to every league city, regardless of stadium or weather?

    So far it is 63% yes, 37% no.

    Of all the states in the Union, only Louisiana and Florida hold a majority “no” vote.

    I wonder what is fueling that idea…

    Share the wealth, f*ckers!

  18. As a lifelong Pittsburgh Steeler fan, I am really offended by Mr. Porter’s casual attitude towards violence, and especially violence towards women. I assure readers that not all Steeler’s fans agree with #55’s immature sentiments.

  19. July Thomas July Thomas

    Dear Joey!!!! I am from your hometown and we have met on a few ocassions..Always Charming and sweet!! Just wanted to say congrats on the win and the probowl AGAIN!!! Always a fan..July..hit me up now!!

  20. […] ReKen: Packaging for KG is flawed logically. Minnesota isn’t going to want Crawford, Steph or… July Thomas: Dear Joey!!!! I am from your hometown and we have met on a few ocassions..Always… alex: bigboi that would be a pretty nice coup by isiah actually, but do they have the draft picks… The Watch: I started following this feud when i first heard about it. I didn’t even care who… The Watch: I’d like to see if tiger could pull that off in his video game. I’d pay to see that. The Watch: The Chiefs was a boss movie. I watched it at approximately 5 in the AM. Is it released… B. Minich, PI: Hey, it could be worse. He may not end up being an eloquent guy, but he probably… Unsilent Majority: It looks like Stephen Jackson may have found a new home The Big Picture: all they need now is kobe off the bench and the knicks could score 90 points a… BigBoi: He got Francis to Package him, Crawford, Others and draft picks so he could offer it to… Todd: Somewhere, David Stern is sitting in his office shaking his head and wondering just how… Raj: Im just playing devil’s advocate here (cuz I believe everything you and the rest of the free… […]

  21. Joe Joe

    Keep kicking serious ass on the feild!

  22. princess princess

    Hi Joey! I’m so in love with you. You looked soooooo good at the R.Kelly concert. I haven’t stopped thinking of you. Hopefully I’ll see you again.

  23. bengals fan 4 life bengals fan 4 life

    Joey, what are you going to do when Rudi Johnson breaks open your mouth like a battering ram on Sunday September 24th, 2006? What are you going to do when Carson Palmer throw for 400 yards and 5 touchdowns? What will you do when Deltha O’neal and Tory James pick off Roethlis-Booger about 5 times? I hope you have a heart attack. Just like you’r lame ass coach, quit yellin cuz you’r breath smells like a dead dog’s ass! PEACE!

  24. JoeyLover JoeyLover

    Hey Joey,

    I think your think your totally hott. I so want to meet you. I’m coming to training camp next season. I’m gonna get your autograph. I LOVE YOU!

  25. Blaire Blaire


    Oh my gosh, your so funny. I think your very hott. Every game when you pull up your shirt, i start sweating. It’s a great veiw. I would ask for your autograph anyday.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *