FUCK YOU, HORSE. What did you say? You got somethin’ to say to me, you oat-eatin’ motherfucker? I don’t give a rat’s ass how big you are, YOU DO NOT WANT TO FUCK WITH THIS. Look at you, horse. Horses are brown. You know what else is brown? The CLEVELAND BROWNS. I FUCKIN’ HATE CLEVELAND BROWNS.
Man, this horse over here keeps fuckin’ with me. Does he know who he’s messing with? Does he know the hell that I could unleash on his big fuckin’ ugly mule ass? Man, I am JOEY PORTER’S DOG. Actually, scratch that, that ain’t even true. JOEY PORTER IS MY HUMAN. YOU HEAR ME? I’m gonna tear your fucking horse heart out of your motherfucking horse chest, and I’mma carry it home, sautee it in butter, and put it in Joey’s dish, so he’ll have a full stomach when he kills Carson Palmer on Sunday.
Believe me, horse, you don’t want a piece of this. I am the toughest motherfuckin’ dog you will ever see. Fuck what you heard about Qyntel Woods and his dogs. Compared to me, that motherfucker’s on some WWF shit. I’d make him my bitch, horse, you understand that? You hear me? Qyntel Woods’ dog ain’t got SHIT ON ME.
I know you saw that Steelers/Dolphins game on TV a couple weeks ago, and I know what’s on your mind. Don’t go thinkin’ I’m soft. I know you saw my man Joey kiss Bill Cowher in that game against the Dolphins, but don’t get it twisted. My man Joey pounds the poontang like a motherfuckin’ jackhammer, and I hit it harder than he does. And as soon as I murder your big horse ass, me and my boy Bruno here and gonna go gang rape a poodle. Please believe that.
What’d you say, horse? There are linebackers in the league with a better all-around game that Joey Porter? WHAT? The Steelers are not a lock to get back to the Super Bowl? JEROME BETTIS IS NOT GREAT IN HIS STUDIO ROLE AT NBC? YOU’RE GONNA FUCKING DIE, HORSE.
Just LOOK at this. This horse is blatantly disrespecting me and my boy. YOU DO NOT DISRESPECT THE STEELERS OF PITTSBURGH. Horse, I’m going to give you about five fucking seconds to take back everything you said, and ackowledge right now that the Steelers are the best team in the history of the goddamn NFL, that Jerome Bettis is the best personality currently working in television, and that Joey Porter is capable of eating a roll of quarters and then shitting out an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.
You got five seconds to do that, and I’mma do you like Joey Porter did Peyton Manning in the playoffs last year. I’m counting.
One…
Two…
Three…
Four…
FIVE.
WHAT? “Naaaaaaaaaaay?” FUCK THAT. All the sudden, you can’t talk? Now you’re gonna hide behind, “I’m a horse, and I’m not capable of reproducing those sounds.” FUCK YOU. You know what, horse? You look like the guy who shot my man Joey in Denver. You look just like him. Bruno, don’t he look like that punk motherfucker that shot Joey in Denver? LET’S KILL THIS MOTHERFUCKER, BRUNO.
insomniac Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 1:25 am
I have to apologize in advance for posting this link, but if Joey Porter’s pit bull is gonna write about his jackhammer style, then he should at least have vid to back it up. (Note: if you are a sick bastard who clicks this link, you might as well watch the payoff at the end.)
Elm Tree Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 1:38 am
wow. just…wow. i was reading along, laughing and shaking my head and then i clicked the link…. you just fucked my whole head up, and i haven’t even been drinking. Damn. Joey Porter’s pitbull, huh? You are an evil genius MJD…
twoeightnine Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 2:38 am
Dear Joey Porter’s pitbull,
Bring it.
Sincerely,
Barbaro
Mike Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 3:22 am
This is by FAR the funniest thing you’ve put up in months, MJD, but twoeightnine one-upped you there.
Mark Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 9:08 am
Damn, that was funny.
Unsilent Majority Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 10:04 am
I’m just glad that The Black Prez’s pitbulls are content to run on the treadmill, they don’t want no horse drama
Matt Moore Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 10:07 am
Hilarious (because it’s true!), and not an ounce of beer wasted.
Big Daddy Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 10:42 am
Funniest “letter from pets” to date. You, MJD, are the master - nobody does it better than you. Bringing it all together with the final link was genius!
jerloma Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 10:42 am
Pitbull and a mastiff, actually. Trivial I suppose but you’d think a major TV station would get it right. Those miniature horses always kind of freaked me out anyway. They look too mythological to be real. They may as well be unicorns. Plus, you know…you disrespect the Steelers like that, you pay the price. “There are linebackers in the league with a better all-around game that Joey Porter”…whatever.
BoSox Siobhan Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 12:14 pm
Dear Miniature Horse:
You cannot read this….because you are dead.
The Big Picture Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 4:27 pm
fuck. twoeightnine beat me to the barbaro joke…yeah, barbs doesn’t stand a fucking chance.
Fornelli Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 5:00 pm
Ok, so that made me laugh harder than anything all day.
VTHokie Says:
September 21st, 2006 at 6:56 pm
That’s unfortunate that they weren’t both pit bulls - typical of the media to not clarify, and by proxy bring more negative press to the breed. It’s also unfortunate that folks like DMX and Joey fuck around and worsen the reputation of a great breed. Great dogs, but they can do serious damage. If you wouldn’t leave a loaded gun on your front porch unattended, then don’t own a pit bull and pretend your sweet dog won’t kill other animals - it’s all play to them. punish the deed, not the breed.
The Dar Says:
September 22nd, 2006 at 8:01 pm
Hokie, that was the most passionate plea on behalf of Pits I think I’ve ever heard.
Babs Says:
September 23rd, 2006 at 5:13 pm
I just want to “ditto” Big Daddy’s comment.
All around kick-ass post.
Rob Says:
September 24th, 2006 at 11:00 am
Pure uncontrollable laughter. Thank you.
Blaire Says:
December 8th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
Ohmg that was great. I couldn’t hardly even read it i was laughing so hard. When we played the Browns last night, you didnt even give any one five seconds before you pounded them. lol And im so proud of James Farrior for not taking any crap from Kellen Winslow, you can’t let that ugly crap mess w/ you. Any way, great game last night, and hilarious article.
I always love you.
Lee Etta Says:
March 7th, 2007 at 6:48 am
Joey is the bomb especially knowing he’s from my neck of the woods; thats an EAST SIDE
Lee Etta Says:
March 7th, 2007 at 6:52 am
That’s an EAST SIDE pit fo’ sho’; Bakersfield style for yo’ ass. Sorry it took me this long to respond, but thats right let them know who wears the BIG DRAWS around here (big draws for a reason, ask him, lol).