Week 17 - 2006/2007

Posted on Monday 1 January 2007

Michael Irvin’s made an interesting choice with his wardrobe today. He took a normal suit, smeared it with melted chocolate, and then rolled through a forest on his way to the studio this morning. Just a bizarre look. I mean, you can get creative with the color and the cut of your suits… but that’s as much liberty as I’ve ever seen anyone take with the actual texture.

By the way, I’m all by my lonesome today, which makes this much harder to do. It’s easier to watch multiple football games with three or four other people here, pointing out things that the others may have missed. I also don’t have anyone’s observations to steal. But, you know… I figured what the hell, it’s the last week of the regular season, it’ll probably be the last chance I have to do this… why not engage in seven or eight more hours of self-loathing and then share it with the world?
Not only am I alone at the table, I’m very nearly alone in the whole bar. There are two Browns fans and a Lions fan in this particular room with me at the moment. These three men are to be respected. For me, it’s no big deal, my team’s playing for home field advantage today.  I have a reason to be here. The reason their teams are playing is because the NFL would fine them if they didn’t. And yet, they show up… Respect.
The Steelers receive the opening kickoff, and Bill Cowher decides that now’s a good time to draw up some bullshit that you try in a backyard football game that never really worked then, either. Six or seven Steelers gather in a little mini-huddle, and then all break off in different directions, as to confuse the Bengals. And the Bengals were confused for a second, thinking “Hey, I didn’t realize we were back in Pop Warner,” right before tackling the guy at the 8 yard line. That was Bill Cowher’s, “Eh, fuck off, I’m retiring” play call.
By the way, the waitresses today? The C-team. However, I’m willing to bet that by 4:00, they’ll both be solid 8s. Give me that much time alone, and I can convince myself of anything.
Good news for the Lions: Jon Kitna throws complete to Roy Williams for a touchdown on the first play from scrimmage. Bad news for the Lions:  That particular Roy Williams plays for the Cowboys.
They just called it back, though.  No touchdown. That may be the highlight of the day, nay the year, for the Lions.
Hey, Charlie Frye is starting for Cleveland. I thought this week was Ken Dorsey’s turn to set professional football back 20 years. The guy here in the Charlie Frye jersey seems particularly excited. It’s the small things, really.
Here’s something that has virtually no upside: Cedric the Entertainer starring in “Codename: The Cleaner.” Man, Ced was hot for a while… that sure didn’t last long. Someone’s agent made a few poor decisions along the way.
And Charlie Frye gets picked off by the Texans in the endzone. Thanks for coming back, Charlie. Can someone tell me how Charlie’s presence here today benefits the Browns? The Browns, you have to assume, can be reasonably certain that Charlie Frye sucks. Ken Dorsey hasn’t played in a while, and it still young enough that the light might come on for him. It’s worth investigating, is it not?
A new Nike commercial features Maria Sharapova saying that she’ll run more miles than LeBron in a month, or she’ll sit behind the Cavs bench and be his water boy. If I was LeBron, I’d break her fucking legs tomorrow.
So the Jets are in the playoffs if they can beat the Raiders today. In other words, the Jets are in the playoffs. Can you imagine what it would feel like for the Jets to lose that game? I’d rather lose to Farrah Fawcett on Celebrity Jeopardy.
By the way, since the overturned Dallas INT to the house on the first play of this game, Detroit’s been dominating. It’s 13-0, and it should be more… Detroit’s settled for field goals twice deep in Dallas territory, and the good Roy Williams just caught a TD pass.
Sign in the Dallas/Detroit game: “WILL YOU MARRY ME, T.O.?” Bitch, why do you hate yourself? My God, if that’s not a cry for help, there’s never been one. The back of that sign says, “Daddy didn’t love me… but it was probably a good call on his part.”
The Steelers are just crushing the Bengals on the ground here. Every time I look at that game, it’s Willie Parker for 10, Willie Parker for 8… shifty running through huge holes. The Steelers are going to have some decisions to make with their offensive line… They can run block with the best of them, but they couldn’t keep the Rockettes out of the backfield on passing plays.  Gonna be hard to find guys who are upgrades, but… clearly, something has to be done.
David Spade has a new show on CBS, and to the surprise of no one, the commercial for it looks terribly unfunny. I feel bad for Spade… I mean, he’s probably a pretty funny guy, but he can’t find anything that works for him. I think his best career move at this point would be to drive around selling bootleg copies of Tommy Boy out of the back of a van, and charging people $10 to hear him say, “That’s it, big boy, I’m gonna whale on you.”
Patrick Crayton brings in a Tony Romo touchdown pass for the Cowboys, which puts them back on top, 14-13. Atta way to fight for that #1 draft pick, Detroit. Calvin Johnson isn’t going to just fall into your lap, you have to be aggressive and go out and get him.
The yellow first down line in the Pittsburgh/Cleveland game is completely cockeyed. It’s running across the field at about a 20-degree angle with the yard lines. One or more members of the sideline chain gang is shitfaced… they were passing a bottle around their little locker room, “You know what, it’s New Years, and we’re in goddamn Cincinnati. Fuck it.”
In a highlight from a game I’m not seeing, Trent Green throws probably the best pass he’s thrown in a calendar year to Eddie Kennison on a flea-flicker. 21-10, Chiefs. I’d compliment their performance, but since they’re playing the Jaguars, you can tell absolutely nothing about the Chiefs from this game.
Oh, and here come the Lions, trying to fuck up their #1 pick again. It’s Roy Williams for the touchdown, and hey, maybe the Lions want to pick second in the draft. You’ve got a bigger margin for error there. You fuck up the #1 pick, people remember it forever. The #2, though… you can be forgiven. Solid strategy.
Steelers linebacker James Harrison grabs a Bengals receiver (I think it was Chad Johnson, but I can’t remember for certain), and spikes him down to the ground with a textbook belly-to-back suplex that would make Kamala proud. He had his arms around 85’s waist from behind, and he… well, he suplexed him. He got called for a 15-yarder on the play, which was absolute bullshit. That was honestly the best possible way for Harrison to stop Johnson’s momentum and put him on the ground. To me, that’s as egregious as any of the bullshit roughing the passer calls that have happened this year.
Ian Eagle says that Bill Cowher has one of the NFL’s “great faces.” That’s… well… I’ll just say that there are probably a lot of people out there who disagree.
The Steelers are pinned deep in their own territory, and Ben Roethlisberger drops back in his own endzone. Dexter Jackson blitzes, comes around the corner almost completely untouched… and completely whiffs. He went for the ball instead of Ben, and he had him just dead to rights. He whiffed completely, leaving 2 points and possession on the table. Extremely costly. That play could make the difference in the game.
And the reason it could make the difference is because the Steelers continue to jam the football straight up the Bengals’ asshole right now, just gashing them on the ground, again and again.
A Hines Ward gadget play gets the Steelers down to the Bengals 5-yard-line… until Steelers tackle Willie Colon gets a 15-yard taunting penalty. Oh, Cowher wants to cleanse him right now. He is pissed. If he doesn’t care about this job anymore, he’s certainly doing a good job of hiding it right now.
Mikey Furrey catches Jon Kitna’s third touchdown pass of the day, and puts the Lions up by more than a score. They lead 30-21. This is almost cruel to the Detroit Lion fans of the world. They’ll all watch today’s game and thinking, “Hey assholes, where was this all year?” And it’ll give them just enough hope to think they can win 8 or 9 games next year… and they can’t.
Willie Parker’s going to score here for the Steelers–check that. No he isn’t. Willie Parker is about to fumble the football on the 1-yard line on his way into the endzone, and the Bengals have it. Ouch. That was a dominating, ass-reaming drive by the Steelers, and it ends like that. On the recovery for the Bengals, and this is just poetic… Dexter Jackson.
And the Bengals take full advantage. Carson Palmer goes deep to Chris Henry, a guy for whom the Steelers have just had no answer today, and Henry’s just going to torch everybody. Heard at the next table over: “Het gets DUIs and still catches touchdowns, that’s gangsta.” Indeed it is, my friend. Indeed it is.
Oh, and I was right about the waitresses, by the way… it’s not 4:00 yet, and I’m convinced.  One of them has an ass that I criminally underrated from the start, and the other… she’s got this “I don’t care what I look like” look, and sweetheart, I promise you, it’s working for me.  Don’t shower ever again, for all I care… I’d just dirty you up again anyway.
This is the second time I’ve noticed this today, and I doubt that anyone cares but me… but there’s an official in the Cleveland/Houston game that signals field goals and touchdowns with his palms facing forward. It’s like he’s halting traffic. I dunno. Considering he’s doing the Browns/Texans game, that might be appropriate.
The Steelers answer right back, and it appears that most of the scoring in this game is going to happen in the fourth quarter. That was Willie Parker’s 16th touchdown of the year, which breaks a Steelers franchise record. That seems kind of strange… as long as the Steelers have been around, and their TD record was only 15? By Louis fucking Lipps? Statistical oddity… and that’s probably about the last thing left that Louis Lipps had in the playbook that could get him laid by a Pittsburgh skank.  It’s a sad day.
Here’s something that’s a little uncomfortable to see: A Lions lineman being taken off in a neck brace on a stretcher, giving everyone the “thumbs up” sign. Unpleasant vibes.
James Farrior sacks Carson Palmer and gets called for roughing the passer. The hit was on-time, but Farrior finished it off by driving Palmer into the truth. I think that one’s fair… the quarterback’s completely defenseless at that point, and driving him into the turf like that… it’s not necessary. The highlight of the play, though, was the ref trying to make the call with Joey Porter babbling into his ear… you could hear Porter in the ref’s mic, but couldn’t make out what he was saying. It sounded like something from the second quarto of Hamlet, but I’m not sure.
This marks about the 19th time that Fox has shown that big sign in Dallas that reads, “ROMOmentum.” It may just be me, but I don’t think it’s that fucking clever. Showing it once would’ve been fine… twice, if he’s having a good game. But it’s like they need to keep tabs on the thing after every play.  It’s not going to get any funnier, guys.
Terrell Owens scores from 50+ yards out to give the Cowboys a 1-point lead again. He does some effeminate little dance in the endzone, and then takes it over to the sidelines. He stands directly in front of Marion Barber and Lousaka Polite and does his little “T.O.” gimmick. Barber and Polite don’t even make eye contact.
Ben Roethlisberger’s doing his thing here… as bad as this year has been for him, he can still be, at times, scary good. He hits Santonio Holmes for 35 yards. The drive stalls, and on comes Jeff “Dick in a Box” Reed… and it’s good. 17 all. This has really turned into a hell of a game.
MJD 2.0 scores for the Jags to bring them back within five points of the Chiefs. He then shakes the hand of the back judge, which I’ve never before seen. That’s cool, but I’m also not sure it’s entirely appropriate from the standpoint of the official’s impartiality.
And Jon Kitna’s 4th TD pass of the day goes to Mike Williams. You read that correctly… Mike Williams caught a touchdown pass. He started to do some bullshit “look at me” celebration, and Mike Furrey just jumped on him. It might have been that Mike Furrey was legitimately that excited and wanted to go celebrate. But it might also have been that Mike Furrey thought to himself, “He’s not going to dance, is he? I’m gonna go do this guy a fucking favor and dive on him before he embarrasses himself.”
Carson Palmer has 56 seconds to try and win this game for the Bengals.
There’s a shot of Bengals kicker Shayne Graham on the sidelines applying lip balm. You don’t see that every day.
Palmer goes deep again to Chris Henry, and again, it is complete. The Bengals are down to the Steelers 20 with 22 seconds to play. I don’t really have a rooting interest in this game, but… I’d hate to see Chris Henry be the hero of anything.
And here comes Moist-Lips Graham on for the field goal. It is up, and it is shanked. No good. Graham, meanwhile, is all smiles about it. I guess it’s hard to be angry about anything when your lips are soft and supple.
So we’re going to overtime here, and the Steelers will receive. Roethlisberger, Santonio, Speed, House, Game. That didn’t take long. Bill Cowher during the postgame handshakes — and it’s entirely possible that I’m seeing things that aren’t there — looks like a guy saying some goodbyes.
So with the Cowboys loss, Andy Reid is walking around telling guys like Jeff Garcia and Brian Westbrook that they won’t be playing today. The Eagles have the division clinched and having nothing to gain by winning this one against Atlanta. This could be one exceedingly ugly game.
Calling the Chargers/Cardinals game for FOX today: Dale Hellestrae, Matt Devlin, and on the sidelines, Chris Rix. Yikes. When Chris Rix is the star of your crew, you’re in trouble.
Shaun Phillips gets a good rush off the edge and bats down a Kurt Warner screen pass… and now he’s in Kurt Warner’s face, talking trash. I hate to see that. There’s just no reason to trash-talk Kurt Warner at this point in his career… if Kurt and Brenda show up at Phillips’ house this week and start reading him Bible passages, Phillips absolutely deserves it.
And now Philip Rivers is limping off. Christ.
I have the audio from the Eagles/Falcons game for some reason (and sometimes I think this world is nothing but a big collection of Dale Hallestrae haters), and Dick Stockton is talking about a leg whip penalty that was just called. He throws it to Joe Buck in the studio, who says, “You know something about a leg whip, or maybe it’s an orange whip.” I don’t have any fucking idea what that means. Neither does Dick Stockton.
I don’t know what this says about me, but when I see #81 for Miami, I still think “O.J. McDuffie.” Anyone else?
Dick Stockton talking about the Atlanta Falcons: “Under any circumstances, a win today gives them a .500 record.” Really? You mean there aren’t any circumstances under which an 8-8 record isn’t a winning percentage of .500? The NFL doesn’t have an alternate set of mathematics? Weird.
Some dialog from the table next to me:
“Take your midnight-black ass outta here.”
“Just because you was molested by T.O. when you was a kid, don’t mean nothin’.”
“Why are you sitting there, looking gay?”
“Fuckin’ bitches.”
For some reason, there’s a disproportionate amount of Eagles fans here today, cheering loudly for their team. There are two theories on that one… 1) Eagles fans are truly diehard and support their team no matter what. Or 2), and this is the one I favor, most Eagles fans don’t have any fucking idea that this game means nothing in the standings or for playoff positioning.
The 49ers take an interception back to the house, and trail the Broncos by just three points here. The Broncos are in a win-and-in situation, and… it’s just the 49ers. It wouldn’t be quite as bad as losing to the Raiders in the same situation, but there would still be much shame to go around.
Matt Schaub is in the game for Atlanta now. His first pass bounces off the hands of Eagles safety Shawn Considine. It’s been so long since Shaub played that he forgot about those things called “safeties.”
And on the next play, Schaub fucks up the hold on the field goal attempt. This is going swimmingly.
Alright, this is getting ridiculous… the 49ers take another Broncos interception back to the house and they have the lead now.
Matt Schaub has rebounded and made a couple of really nice throws. He hits Alge Crumpler in the endzone on a perfectly timed and thrown ball. Enjoy the Matt Schaub era, Falcons fans… it’s going to last about 90 minutes.
The Chargers have a 2nd and 3, with 1:52 left to play in the game… a first down ends it. The give is to Lorenzo Neal, and he’s got a big hole. He’s through the line, there’s nothing but green in front of him, until he’s caught from behind by a Cardinals safety Robert Griffith. Here’s how that sounded in Lo Neal’s head:
Good Lo: First down! The game’s over! We have homefield advantage!
Bad Lo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH.
(Griffith catches him, Lorenzo Neal hits him with a straight left to the face, Griffith is now in front of Neal, face to face)
Robert Griffith: Ouch… Hey, alright, I’m gonna force you out of bounds here, alright?
Bad Lo: BRING IT ON, MOTHERFUCKER.
Good Lo: There’s really no need for any of this.
Griffith: Jesus. Just… come on, man, go out… you have the game won.
Good Lo: You should probably just leave him alone, Robert.
Bad Lo: TRY TO HIT ME. TRY IT, COCKSUCKER.
(Griffith grabs Lorenzo’s facemask)
Good Lo: That wasn’t a good idea.
Bad Lo: I DON’T CARE IF YOU DIE RIGHT HERE ON THIS FIELD, PUSSY.
Griffith: I just want you to go out of bounds.
Bad Lo: I’LL KILL YOU. I’LL KILL YOU, AND WHEN YOUR WIFE COMES TO HELP YOU, I’LL KILL HER.
Good Lo: (sigh)

mjd @ 7:15 am
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 15 - 2006/2007

Posted on Monday 18 December 2006

The crew of the CBS pregame show is kicking around the question of whether or not his breakup with Bridget Moynahan affected Tom Brady’s play last week. Since they broke up weeks ago, I tend to doubt it. And even if they had broken up that morning… you know, just fuck the CBS studio crew. That’s what I’m saying. That’s a dumb question to which there is no relevant answer.

Shannon Sharpe did rescue the segement with a pretty decent line, though. “No, it’s Bill Belichick breaking up with Deion Branch that’s affecting Tom Brady’s play.” Not bad.
My man Dirty’s here this week, for just the fourth or fifth time this season. He’s an Eagles fan, but I think his biggest NFL-related passion is hating the Steelers. Now, I enjoy making fun of the Steelers, only because all of my friends are Steelers fans… but I don’t actually harbor any ill will towards them. Dirty does. And it amuses me.
For example: Cowher’s walking around the field before the game, talking and laughing with someone. “Boy, Cowher looks really happy to be in North Carolina,” Dirty says. “Looks like he’s making his retirement plans right now. I bet he doesn’t come back from this road trip.”
By the way, I should tell you that this will probably be the last full Smorgasbord of the year. The next two Sundays are Christmas Eve and New Year’s Eve, and I don’t know if this place is going to be open, or what kind of wingmen I’d have. I think at the very least, you’ll get a partial Smorgasbord or two, and probably some playoff action… but we’ll see.  Jesus’s birthday is pretty inconvenient for me this year, for Smorgasbord purposes.
Derek Anderson makes a beautiful throw to Kellen Winsow, who then shrugs off two Ravens tacklers and picks up an extra 10 yards. Three people here just called Winslow a fag.
The Browns, meanwhile, could be in a position today to upset the Ravens. They’ve forced two three-and-outs, Phil Dawson hit a 51-yard field goal, and Steve McNair just went to the locker room with some kind of a hand injury.
And right on cue, The Shaggy DA (that’s the nickname I’ve given Derek Anderson, and it hasn’t caught on yet, probably because it’s lame) throws an interception to Dawan Landry. You know what… never mind, the Browns don’t have a fucking chance of winning this game.
The Panthers cheerleaders are wearing their little Santa get-ups today. Something just feels wrong about that. I just don’t think anything Santa-related should be giving me an erection. Is that just my own complex? Maybe I have Santa issues, I don’t know… maybe I went to a mall Santa when I was five years old and maybe he shouldn’t have shoved that candy cane where he did.  This is probably something we should get into a little deeper next week.
There are television cameras recording what happens at the Lions/Packers game, for some reaon… and for even stranger reasons, satellites are beaming this images onto a television in this bar. But we’re discussing now the possibility of the Lions drafting Calvin Johnson in the upcoming draft. This could happen. The Lions will be picking in the Top 5, Calvin Johnson has Top 5 talent, Mike Martz, if he’s still there, would never mind having another receiver around, and while they probably need a quarterback, Martz is the kind of guy who feels like he can win with any quarterback. This is an exciting possibility.
Willie Parker catches a screen pass for the Steelers, and is immediately dropped by a Panthers linebacker. Replay shows that the linebacker had been assigned to cover Parker for every step he took on that particular play. This is not uncommon. For some reason, though, it moves Randy Cross to start singing, “Me… and my shaaa-aa-aa-dooow…” I wonder when the last time was that Dick Enberg had a serious urge to fight someone.  I’d have loved to hear Dick at the next commercial break, just as calm and understated as if he’s calling a 3-yard run up the middle… “Randy, if you start singing again, I’m going to cut your fucking throat, do you understand me?  Oh my.”
A commercial comes on for We Are Marshall and Dirty brings up the very awesome possibility of a scene where some WVU fans show up at one of the funerals and start heckling. If any of you see that movie, and that really happens, can you let me know? Because that’s the kind of thing I’d pay $8 to see.
Donald Driver catches a first down pass for the Packers, gets up and starts to do the emphatic-first-down celebration… but he just teases it, and never extends his arm fully. That was either a cleverly designed tease, or he suddenly remembered that this was the Lions/Packers game and no one gives a fuck.
Steelers defensive tackle Brett Keisel records a sack, and his celebration is to cast an imaginary fishing line, and then reel it in. I think that’s very good. I mean, I don’t think that every New York Giant who does the jumpshot bullshit actually plays basketball, and when Plax used to mow the lawn, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t pushing a lawnmower around his own lawn on Saturday afternoons. But Brett Keisel… that guy probably does some fishing. I feel like that was an honest celebration.
Ben Roethlisberger is being sacked… the Panthers guy has his arms wrapped around him while Ben’s standing up, facing back towards his own endzone. Ben starts acting like he wants to lateral the ball to guard Kendall Simmons. Simmons pulls his arms back like, “Hey, don’t give me that fucking ball, man.” Was Ben expecting Simmons to take the ball and then launch a deep pass to Hines Ward? Common sense wins out, though, and Benjamin takes the sack.
Hey, it’s a Carlyle Holiday sighting. He’s just caught a Brett Favre pass. That’s not a name I expected to hear today.  Or at any other point in the rest of my life, for that matter.
Why is Eugene Levy doing these bullshit, straight-to-video, softcore American Pie movies? The first one, fine. Another sequel or two, I understand. But the ones that don’t even have aspirations of being shown in movie theatres? Where the apex of comedy is a football game against little people? Eugene Levy’s better than that. Come on, man.
I don’t know what’s going on in the Jets/Vikings game, but I’m seeing constant close-ups of Nick Mangold’s face. I do not enjoy looking at Nick Mangold’s face.
I guess 60 Minutes tonight is about Larry the Cable Guy. The voice over the commercial asks, “Why does America love him so much?” Why? Because a vast number of Americans are dumb. Does that solve your mystery, there, Morley Safer?  There, you can watch something else tonight.  We cracked that case for you.
Nothing says “No, America, we are not for real” quite like coming out and losing at home to the Redskins. I understand a little bit of a letdown game this week from the Saints, but… from stomping a mudhole in the Cowboys, all the way down to losing to the Redskins… that’s a man-sized letdown.
You know that cornball commercial for Kay Jewelers where the guy gives his lady a diamond, and then the people on TV kiss, and that inspires the diamond giver and givee to kiss… that commercial is infuriating Lady E right now. And really, I agree.  This is the exact reason that if you’re giving someone a diamond, you put in a porno.
Hey, guess what time it is? It’s Cortland motherfucking Finnegan time, motherfucker. David Garrard tucks the ball away and takes off for the Jags, he’s hit, fumbles the ball ahead, where it’s picked up by Cortland Finnegan who takes it 92 yards to the house. I don’t care where you grew up, if your name is Cortland Finnegan, you better be a bad-ass.
And now Chris Hope is taking an interception to the house for the Titans. This is nuts. The Titans have 20 yards of total offense, and they’re leading this game 24-10. They’ve got the Hope and Finnegan touchdowns, along with an earlier Pac-Man Jones 83-yard interception to the house. The Titans are about to be winners of 7 of their last 9 games.
Can Vince Young make an argument for MVP, by the way? I know it sounds crazy, but… if you could say that statistics are completely irrelevant to the MVP award, and just look at the greatest impact that a player has on a team… why not Vince Young? Think about how bad the Titans were under Kerry Collins at the beginning of the year, and consider that that same team that was 0-5 is now, heading into Week 16, alive for the playoffs. That’s remarkable. It’s not all Vince Young’s doing, of course, and you know that I think Pac-Man Jones is one of the elite corners in the game.  But it’s hard to argue that Vince didn’t spark a major portion of this. I’m not saying I’d vote for him, I’m not saying he deserves it… I’m just saying that if you look at the word “valuable” in a certain way… giving Vince Young that award would not be crazy.
Santonio Holmes muffs a punt for the Steelers, and the Panthers dive on it. A penalty bails Pittsburgh out, though, and the Panthers have to re-kick. Naturally, Santonio takes this one to the house.
Finally, Tavaris Jackson has replaced Brad Johnson in the Minnesota lineup. Not only does Jackson have better mobility (by a factor of about 82 billion), a stronger arm, and potential to get better, he’s also the only quarterback I’ve ever seen take the field with choker around his neck. It’s yellow and black, perhaps beaded, and I’m not ashamed to tell you that I think it’s stunning. It is the finest jewelry choice I’ve ever seen made by a rookie quarterback.
Anthony Smith, rookie safety for the Steelers, intercepts a Chris Weinke pass, and then become the only player I’ve ever seen high-step towards the sideline. Say what you want about Deion Sanders, but he would never do that. I mean, when Deion saw fit to turn on the high-step, he knew he was going to score. Sometimes it was at the 5, sometimes it was at the 40. Anthony Smith made a nice play on the interception, and then high-stepped directly out of bounds. I just want to be clear that there was no effort there to get as much yardage as he could from the return, or score a touchdown. He’s got enough of a sense of decorum to not want to run up the score, and yet, there he goes, high-stepping on the path towards humility.
Steelers defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau met Smith on the sidelines before his knees returned to a normal walking level, bitched him out, and slapped his helmet. And then Bill Cowher gave it to him. And there Smith is, sitting on the bench, smiling ear to ear. At least he’s having a good day.
CBS has a graphic showing the longest losing streaks by quarterbacks in NFL history. Chris Weinke’s streak today is being extended to 17. Archie Manning has two of the Top 5 streaks.
Showing the potential to one day add his name to that illustrious list is David Carr, who’s thrown 4 interceptions and been sacked 4 times today against the Patriots.
I think I just saw the score of the Bears/Bucs game, and I think it said it was tied at 31. But that can’t be true, because it was 31-17 about 2 minutes ago, and to be honest with you, I had a hard enough time believing that the Bucs scored 17 points.
Alright. It’s true. I’m being forced to come to grips with this. Tim Rattay’s in the game, and apparently, he hit Joey Galloway for a long touchdown. Tampa Bay forced a 3-and-out, and on the second play of the next drive, Rattay went deep to Ike Hilliard. The Bears are tied with the Bucs late in the 4th quarter. There are no good teams in the NFC.
Troy Polamalu’s on the sidelines with his winter beard in full effect. Dirty is calling him “the bearded lady.”
Denver/Arizona, meanwhile, is underway. Jay Cutler’s first pass is a 54-yard touchdown strike to Javon Walker. Mike Shanahan should just pull Jay Cutler right now… let him finish a game with a high quarterback rating. It’s 158.3 right now, but if you give him two or three more passes, that could come down to like 40. Bench him now, let him see everyone talk about that rating for a week, and keep his confidence high.
And Bears kicker Robbie Gould has missed a 37-yarder that would’ve given the Bears the win in overtime. So just in case there weren’t enough things for you to be terrified about in the postseason, Bears fans, your kicker can shank short kicks in clutch situations.
There’s a crowd shot in the Denver/Arizona game of about half of a seating section. And the only person standing is a 70-year-old woman in a Cardinals sweatshirt, on her feet, clapping, yelling at someone. Her skin looks, through the wonders of HD, like it’s seen more than a few Cardinals games baking in the sun at the old stadium. You could strike a match on her cheek. God bless her.
The Greek is trying to tell us that Donte Stallworth is John Stallworth’s son. This, of course, is a ridiculous load of bullshit. Just to confirm what everyone here knows… we look it up, and it is not true. The rest of the day, Dirty’s making comments like, “Did you see that catch by Reggie Brown? That was just like his dad, James.” Or “Great throw by Jeff Garcia there. Just like his dad Jerry taught him.”
And the Bears finally do get the win. Robbie Gould redeemed himself, this time putting a short kick through the uprights.
Tatum Bell coughs up a fumble for Denver, and defensive end Antonio Smith takes it to the house. I’m guessing that that will be the last time Tatum Bell sees the field today, and Mike Shanahan will probably have his hands chopped off at halftime. That’s 10 points in 19 seconds for the Cardinals.
And once again this week, our knitter is back. Whatever makes her happy, I suppose… and I know I like to poke fun at this, but she’s going to completely validate herself in Week 17 when she’s finally finished knitting a big green scarf that says “CHAD PENNINGTON SUCKS COCK.”
Eli Manning throws an interception for the Giants. Jeremy Shockey comes barrelling into the pile late, and hits someone a couple of seconds after the whistle had gone. And now he’s involved in some pushing and shoving. This is the manifestation of all the anger he has built up for Eli Manning. Shockey got a 15-yard penalty, but Giants fans really shouldn’t mind… it’s this or hold Eli’s head in a tub of Gatorade for about four minutes.
We’ve just been joined in the bar here by a party that consists of what looks like a husband and wife, a 90-year-old grandmother, and two five or six year old boys. The rest of the room is littered with drunk, aggression-filled twenty-somethings and a knitter.
I don’t know if you’ve seen any of these commercials for The Simpsons tonight, but Marge is wearing a negligé, posing up against the wall… I’m not a regular Simpsons watcher, so you might already be aware of this, but Marge has it goin’ on. Marge would get drilled.  Little bit of a butterface, maybe, but… Marge keeps her game tight.
In the Giants/Eagles game, Fox has a shot of a guy in the stands who looks exactly like Jeremy Shockey. The hair is the same color and style, the facial hair is the same color and style… I hope this is a coincidence. Please, Fox, tell me that this is a coincidence, and that this man isn’t intentionally making himself look like Jeremy Shockey. Is this the trend now? Is wearing a guy’s jersey no longer enough? Are there lines of fans out the doors of tattoo parlors in New Orleans, waiting to get a Drew Brees birthmark tattooed on their face?
Matt Turk is punting for the Rams… and I’ve never seen anything like this before. The Raiders get some heat to him, and Turk drops the ball to punt it. The Raiders guy dives to the point where the ball should be kicked, but Turk elects to not punt it, not move his foot, and just let the ball drop to the ground. The Raiders guy passes right over the top of the ball, makes contact with nothing, Turk picks the ball up on the bounce, and is then tackled.  Matt Turk might’ve just saved his team a touchdown. The punter being tackled is far better than a punt being blocked. And that was completely instinctive, and just a reaction-type play… that really was brilliant work by Matt Turk.
There’s something weird going on with Jeff Garcia’s hand. It was covered in clear plastic before the game, to keep it protected from something. But before the game, you couldn’t see anything. It just looked normal. But now, there’s a giant dark red splotch under that plastic that looks extremely painful. I don’t know what the hell that is, but it’s gross. There are two alternate theories flying around the table right now. One is that it’s a chemical burn that was given to him in a local Fight Club, and this is accompanied by the theory that Jeff Garcia was the real-life inspiration for Tyler Durden. The other theory is that it’s an injury that Garcia sustained in the fight with Andy Dufresne where he got hit in the face with a roll of film.
I’m pretty sure I just witnessed a soft, tender, emotional kiss that was inspired by fantasy football. There’s a couple here that just celebrated a touchdown together. The touchdown was scored by a guy that does not play on the team represented by the clothing that either of these people are wearing. They celebrated together, and then turned and shared a slow, deep kiss. If they write their own wedding vows, Plaxico Burress is getting mentioned.  “For richer or poorer… in sickness or in health… through three-touchdown games from Plaxico Burress or in first-quarter high-ankle sprains…”
Will Demps came free on a blitz and just smashed Jeff Garcia. Garcia coughed up the fumble, and the Eagles were also called for a chop block on the play, giving the Giants 15 more yards. Not a real productive play for the Eagles there.
Matt Leinart’s scrambling, and decides to tuck the ball away and run. He finishes the run by plowing facemask-first into Dominique Foxworth’s crotch.
Andew Walter has entered the game for the Raiders. I don’t know if anyone on the Oakland coaching staff was paying attention for the 10 weeks or so that Walter started (seriously, I really don’t know if anyone there was paying attention), but they have to know that there’s no way that Andrew Walter is a step up.  Not even from Aaron Brooks.
And yes, there’s the Andrew Walter interception. That didn’t take long.  Surprisingly, he did not transform himself into a great quarterback over the last two weeks.  Weird.
One play after picking up a taunting penalty, Jeff Garcia fails to account for Will Demps in the secondary, and gives him an easy interception. If you were just watching this game, and knew nothing about the NFC standings, or the records of these teams…you’d swear this was a contest between two 3 or 4 win teams. It’s been close, it’s been exciting, it’s been eventful… but it has not been a quality football game.
A little later, Jeff Garcia hits Reggie Brown with a deep ball, giving the Eagles a touchdown lead. Whatever Giants defender got toasted on the play followed Brown into the endzone, and kicked the back pylon. For some reason, Dirty is furious about this.  So furious that he’s not even celebrating the go-ahead score. All he wants to do is demand a flag for kicking the pylon. And he’s right, the league can’t allow that sort of black eye on the game to continue for another second.
Eli Manning’s going to attempt to rally the Giants here… and that’s going to last about three plays. A pass is tipped high into the air, Tiki Barber swung at it in a half-assed effort to knock it down, and it was intercepted by Giants DE Trent Cole. That looked pretty bitch on Tiki’s part. He saw the ball, looked at Cole waiting for it, jumped and moved his body out of the way while flailing at it with his arm. That looked like Dirk Nowitzki “battling” for a rebound. “Hey, I’ll jump and move my arm towards the vicinity of the ball, but… I mean, if that doesn’t do it, we’re not going to get it, because I just don’t feel like touching anyone.” Trent Cole took it to the house, and that’s the game. The Eagles, who are not very good, can win the NFC East if they win out. Amazing.

mjd @ 7:42 am
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 14 - 2006/2007

Posted on Monday 11 December 2006

I don’t know if they do this every week, but Fox’s pre-game show likes to send Pam Oliver out to do interviews with a particular team, and the general tone of the Pam Oliver interviews I’ve seen is something like, “Hey… you suck. Tell me why, asshole.” She’s downright mean sometimes. If she tried that when Warren Moon was in the league, she’d get clocked in the mouth.

Near the end of the show, the Fox guys are talking about the Bengals and their penal issues, who’s to blame, etc… and Jimmy Johnson and Howie Long make bland points about how it’s on the organization to not bring in bad seeds, blah blah blah. Terry Bradshaw chimes in to say, “I disagree with all of this, and there’s no one on this set who doesn’t go out and have a few beers.” Like the one time Chris Henry was charged with possession of a concealed firearm, improper exhibition of a firearm, aggravated assault with a firearm, and having a few beers. Or the time AJ Nicholson was charged with burglary, grand theft, vandalism, and having a few beers. Or the time police had to taser Matthias Askew after he head a few beers. Good point, Terry.  I think Bradshaw is setting us up so that no one will think it’s that big of a deal when he gets caught with an 11-year-old Thai hooker.
Michael Strahan is in a new Subway commercial with Jared, one that ends with them sharing a hearty belly laugh, and I’d like to tell you something about the forced chemistry between the two, and about how it’s a weird, uncomfortable, commercial… but I can’t. I completely buy that Strahan and Jared are pals. Nothing in the world makes more sense to me.
By the way, the mood in here today is a little odd. There aren’t many people in the bar, and a lot of the ones that are here are a little bit older. It’s a little library-ish.  This could be a boring Smorgasbord. Just thought you should know ahead of time.
Joe Buck and Pam Oliver leave the Fox set, and they’re rushed into the stadium on the back of the injury cart… you know, that comes out onto the field to whisk away guys who tear their ACLs. They seem pretty comfortable snuggled up together in the back of that thing, like it’s not the first time they’ve shared close quarters. I bet Pam Oliver goes into interview mode afterwards. “Can you tell me why it’s so small, Joe? Can you explain to me why you lasted ninety seconds? Tell me, Joe. Why are you crying?  What’s wrong with you, Joe Buck?  This never happened with your father.” And then they do it all again next week.
Jeff Garcia’s feeling pretty good about himself, and he opens up the game with a long ball to… well, into the middle of three Redskin defenders. Quarterbacks need confidence, but there are some quarters for whom too much confidence can be a dangerous thing. Take what’s there, Jeffy.
I’ve chosen our table this week based on where the Dolphins are playing, in the hopes of another Crazy Fish Guy sighting. No luck yet.
Ladell Betts is running well this afternoon. The Redskins are spreading out that Eagles d-line, and there are huge holes for Betts. And maybe it’s just my imagination, but I don’t think Clinton Portis would be hitting those holes quite as hard as Betts. He makes one read, and then barrells downhill. The Redskins do not need Clinton Portis.  They should trade him for Champ Bailey.
I don’t know if it’s new, but this is the first time I’ve seen the Matt Hasselbeck Chunky Soup commercial. Matt Hasselbeck’s mom… she would get plowed. I voice this opinion, and The Greek says that’s not his real mom. So Matt Hasselbeck’s fake mom… she would get plowed. And let’s be honest, chances are, his real mom would, too.
I think Lawrence Tynes just made a field goal that he didn’t get credit for.
Brad Johnson is starting for the Vikings today, which I find baffling. He’s been one of the worst quarterbacks in the league over the past month, they’ve got a talented rookie in Tavaris Jackson, and he’s finally healthy enough to play… why let him rot on the bench while 38-year-old Brad Johnson rots on the field?
Of course, Brad Johnson goes out there today like he’s John Elway and completes every damn pass he throws. The drive ends with a Brad Johnson running touchdown, a particularly poignant “fuck you” to me and to the Smorgasbord. Point taken, Brad Johnson.
The Juice tells us that he’s shaken a hand that’s slapped Jennifer Lopez’s ass… I guess he knows some guy who dated her when she was a dancer on In Living Color. You can’t tell anything from smelling The Juice’s hand, though.
Tom Brady’s bitching out a teammate on the sidelines. Not sure who. If Crazy Fish Guy was here, he’d love this. He’d say something like, “Ha, look at that Brady, hollerin’ at somebody. He’s a helluva quarterback, though, like Marino. I shoulda took the under in this one.”
And all the sudden, Jeff Garcia’s caught fire, and the Eagles are up 14-3 on the Redskins. This is not the direction this game looked to be heading… after the first five minutes, it looked like Jeff Garcia was sliding back into Jeff Garcia mode, and that Ladell Betts would just punish the Eagles all day. They haven’t stopped Betts yet, but they’re still up 14-3. Jason Campbell’s killing the Redskins.
Apparently, Brad Johnson and Artose motherfucking Pinner are the new John Elway and Terrell Davis. The Vikings are an unstoppable offensive juggernaut right now. I guess the Lions are letting Matt Millen coordinate the defense these days. Brad Johnson has been very sharp to this point.
Christ, it’s like Brad Johnson is out to ruin my day. Every time I make a note about him, he responds by immediately doing the opposite of whatever I just said. Jamar Fletcher just took an interception 88 yards to the house for the Lions.
Larry Johnson finally finds some running room against the Ravens, and rips off about a 40-yarder. At the end of it, he decided to give Samari Rolle a punch to the face, disguised as a stiff-arm. Whatever it was, it was effective. Rolle wanted no part of him after that.
Donte Stallworth scores for the Eagles, making it 21-3. He celebrates by stretching and rubbing his hamstrings. I don’t know if he’s making light of the fact that he’s injured so often (if so, good one!) or if he honestly believes it’s a good idea to stretch right now. Regardless, he has a way to go before he can be considered a master of the touchdown celebration, or an NFL player that isn’t fragile.
Ravens defensive lineman Trevor Pryce is a sweet man. He’s got Trent Green dead to rights in the Chiefs backfield, and he wraps Green up, and then sort of gingerly puts him on the ground. “Okay, Trent, I’ve got ya. Ready to be sacked? Heeeeere we go. Here we go, buddy. Easy, now… steady as she goes. Okay, and you’re down. Now let me help you up, man. Your hip okay? Alright. Hey, tell your wife she bakes a hell of an apple pie, okay? You be careful out here.”  That was a touching act of brotherhood.
And then Trevor Pryce was penalized 15 yards for roughing the quarterback.
No he wasn’t. But if the NFL is going to be so ape-shit insane about penalizing guys for scowling at quarterbacks, they should probably recognize Trevor Pryce in the company newsletter for being so gentle with Trent Green.
I’m not seeing this game, but apparently, Fred Taylor and MJD 2.0 are both going bananas on the Colts in the first half.
And Jones-Drew just took the second-half kickoff to the house to give the Jags a 31-10 lead. There’s your AFC offensive player of the week.
Jason Campbell finally makes a good throw for the Redskins, dropping one in to Randle-El with absolute perfection. Touchdown, Redskins, and the fact that they’re still alive in this game speaks to the low quality of football being played here.
Eagles receiver Reggie Brown watches a Jeff Garcia pass bounce off his hands. Garcia’s pissed off, flailing his arms about in anger. If Jeff Garcia tried to bitch out another player, would anyone be able to take him seriously? “Hey, get your head in the game and focus! You should’ve caught that ball, goddamit.” “What are you going to do, Jeff, knit me a sweater two sizes too small? Go get Donovan a milkshake and leave me alone.”
There’s a guy here in a Patriots jersey with his own name across the back. I haven’t seen a jersey that pussy in this bar since last season… back then, there was a guy nancing around in a Pats jersey that read “DANKS” across the back.
Note: I don’t actually believe you’re a pussy if you put your own name across the back of your jersey. I don’t think it’s something I’d do, but I understand the logic. Danks, though, remains a pussy.
Here’s why the Colts are winning nothing this year: David Garrard currently has 42 yards passing in the third quarter, and the Colts trail, 34-10.
Lady E is being driven nuts by the Jessica Simpson DirecTV commercial. Every time it comes on, her blood pressure skyrockets. She hates her face, the way she talks, the way she bounces her shoulders, her music. And The Juice explains to her, “That’s why the good Lord invented doggystyle.”
Note: I don’t think God actually invented doggystyle.
Shaun Swish ‘em, the guy who kicks for the Redskins now, makes his fourth field goal of the day and has the Redskins down just two.
The Titans, displaying some Jaguar-like inconsistency, are tied late with the Texans. I’m way on board the Titans bandwagon this year, but… for the sake of Mario Williams, I wouldn’t mind seeing the Texans pull this one out. I’d hate to see the guy develop inferiority complexes about both Reggie Bush and Vince Young.
Brian Westbrook rips off a long first-down run that’s going to wrap this one up for the Eagles. And at 7-6, it might seem like the Eagles should be feeling pretty good about their playoff chances, but I don’t think that’s the case. The Redskins should’ve won this game… not that the Eagles got screwed or anything, but if the Redskins sucked any less, they’d have won this game. The Giants are a much better bet to make the playoffs.
The Packers/49ers game is underway, and there’s a guy here that’s not only a big 49ers fan, but a big fan of calling attention to himself. He’s been coming here for a few years… not every week or anything, but when he’s here, he makes sure you know about it. Anyway, Frank Gore breaks through the line, and takes off towards the endzone. The guy jumps up and starts yelling at the top of the lungs (and again, the bar is very quiet today), “YES, FRANK GORE. YES, FRANK GORE. YES, FRANK GORE.” He’s marching around the room, and actually leaves the room to take his celebration out into the front… all before Frank Gore gets pushed out at the 1-yard line. Oops.
Note: This was the last we’d see of this guy today.
A highlight from the end of the Titans/Texans game shows Vince Young end it with a 39-yard touchdown run (eat cock, Merrill Hoge). Pac-Man Jones set up the field position with a ballsy kick return. If the Chargers aren’t so awesome, I’d almost with that I was a Titans fan right now. Watching those two every week… that’s gotta be fun.
Jay Cutler’s started the game 3-of-3 against the Chargers. For some reason, they’re giving him big cushions with the corners. You have to assume that Denver’s offensive philosophy in this game is to throw short passes, three-step drops, get the ball out quickly. I don’t understand the cushions.
A fellow named Ruvell Martin catches a wide open 36-yard touchdown pass from Brett Favre, and this Packers fan gets up and starts yelling, “YES, FRANK GORE. YES, FRANK GORE.” And then when they add the extra point, he says, “Tack that on, and I’m gettin’ DRUNK tonight.”
Why there are fans that are still passionate about the 49ers or the Packers, I’m not sure.
And here’s a special news update, verbatim from the bathroom wall: Chucky is a bitch ass dogfucker. I bet they’re talking about Charlie Frye.
Philip Rivers lofts one up for Antonio Gates, just across the goal line, and he goes up and gets it over Champ Bailey and Darrent Williams. I hate to be the guy who harps about Antonio Gates’ basketball background helping him as a football player, but that did look very much like going up and getting a rebound over smaller guys.
This was my favorite play of the day: From the Denver four-yard line, the Chargers run kind of a fumblerooskie for Lorenzo Neal. I’m still not even sure how Neal got the ball… I think Rivers held it behind his back while faking like he was giving it to Tomlinson. Lo Neal ends up plowing into the endzone for the touchdown, and then CBS cameras catch Marty Schottenheimer saying, “That’s fucking crazy.” Something tells me Marty didn’t draw that one up.
And here’s how that play came to be in the huddle:
Phil Rivers: Alright, we’re gonna go I-Right, thirty-two–
Bad Lo: NOOOOOOOOOO.
Good Lo: Oh, please don’t do this…
Phil Rivers: What’s the problem, Lo?
Bad Lo:: FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL. FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL.
Phil Rivers: I really don’t think that’s the best idea right now, Lorezno.
Good Lo:: I concur.
Bad Lo:: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH. FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL.
Phil Rivers: (sighs, shaking his head, looking around the huddle) Fuck it, guys you want to?
LaDainian Tomlinson: (shrug)
Phil Rivers: Alright, fumblerooskie to Lorenzo Neal. Any particular snap count, Lo?
Bad Lo: ARRRRRRRRRGGGGHHH.
Phil Rivers: On three.
Bad Lo: (repeated, as the Chargers break the huddle, as they line up for the play, screaming at Broncos defenders, again and again, until the ball is snapped) FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL. FUMBLEROOSKIE TO LORENZO NEAL.
Donald Driver scores for the Packers. From the afore-mentioned Packers fan: “FUCK FRANK GORE.”
Phil Rivers, who has been spectacular today, sets up a LaDainian Tomlinson touchdown with a beautiful deep ball to Eric “When You Gonna Let Me Fuuuuuck, Miss” Parker. That’s Tomlinson’s 27th TD on the year, and Shaun Alexander’s record might be falling this afternoon.
After finishing up the first half by completing 1 out of last 9 passes, Jay Cutler comes out to start the third quarter blazing. He equals his entire first half output on the first drive, and hits some douchebag rookie tight end in the endzone. The Chargers then fumble the ensuing kickoff… and Cutler hits the same douchebag rookie tight end for another touchdown. The ball was headed directly towards Terrence Kiel… but the douchebag rookie tight end got his hand between Kiel’s hands, tipped the ball to himself, and made the play. That’s pretty nice work by the douchebag rookie tight end… and momentum has swung.
Just to give you a general idea of the mood in here right now… there’s a woman a few tables away knitting. I’m not kidding. There is knitting going on here today.
And the Chargers punt. I don’t know what happened at halftime in the Chargers locker room, but it did not have a positive effect on the Bolts. I think Marty was just like, “Hey, you guys have this thing won. Who wants to watch a home porno VHS tape of me giving it to the wife, huh? Howie, fire up that tape machine. Check out my stroke here, boys.”
Note: I said that out loud in front of a child who couldn’t be older than 8. I didn’t do it on purpose, I swear. I should just take up knitting.
CBS has a shot of Jay Cutler’s parents, enjoying their view about five rows from the absolute top of Qualcomm Stadium. That’s the best you could do, Jay Cutler? “Hey, merry Christmas, mom. Enjoy your seat next to the drunk guy, caked in blue bodypaint, who’s calling your son a cocksucker after every other play.  Make sure dad brings his knife.”
We’re fast-forwarding a bit here, because I haven’t been paying attention to anything. Tomlinson gets his record-tying 28th touchdown of the year, and to celebrate a fan, holds up his sign that reads, “Chargers Beat Broncos Silly.” When I start my own television network, I’m going to name it “IMGAY⇓” just to see if football fans keep making the signs.
I try not to mention fantasy stuff here in the Smorgasbord, but I think this one’s worthwhile. The Greek desperately needs LaDainian Tomlinson to be done for the day. He’s playing against him, and the only thing that can beat him is a monster day from Tomlinson. So there are just over three minutes to go in the game, and The Greek assumes that Tomlinson is done for the afternoon.. and as soon as the words leave his mouth, Shawne Merriman gets around an offensive lineman, gets to Cutler, and forces a fumble inside the Broncos 10. And here comes Tomlinson…
TOUCHDOWN! That’s the record-setter, gifted to Tomlinson by Shawne Merriman. The linemen have Tomlinson up on their shoulders… this would be a nice little moment for me, if I wasn’t sitting two feet away from a guy who put a cigarette out in his own eye.

mjd @ 5:44 am
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 13 - 2006/2007

Posted on Monday 4 December 2006

Sign in the background for the Fox pregame outside of Giants Stadium: “IT’S ALL A-ROD’S FAULT.” I’m not sure if that guy’s trying to be funny, or if he actually thinks that’s true.

The Bills/Chargers game is underway, and the Bills won the toss and elected to receive. The opening kickoff is taken by a large fellow wearing #75. The kick was short, but it wasn’t that short. #75 was back there with the guys just in front of the returners. He kind of caught the ball on a knee, and one of the little guys behind him ran up to him and was telling him to get up and run. He looked up at him like, “Do I have to?” 0 yard return for Buffalo.
From 23 yards out, Charlie Frye throws to Braylon Edwards in the endzone… and Edwards goes up after it and snatches it out of the sky in front of two defenders. That looked like a young Keyshawn Johnson catch right there.
Apparently, the refs have new special cold weather pants. They’re wearing them in Buffalo. They’re black, sort of puffy, and have a big bold white stripe down the sides. It’s amazing how we I’ve taken ref pants for granted for so long. Seeing refs in black pants makes this entire game look different. Everything’s thrown out of whack when the white polyester nuthuggers aren’t out there. I’ll be honest, I miss them.
The Redskins are just mowing through Atlanta on their first drive of the game. It’s TJ Duckett, it’s Ladell Betts, it’s Jason Campbell… the Redskins offense hasn’t looked this good since Joe Gibbs was alive.
Jason Campbell is celebrating a touchdown with Ladell Betts. The Juice observes, “Jason Campbell’s a big dude. Either that, or Ladell Betts is a fucking circus midget.” Why’s he have to be in the circus, man? He can’t just be your average little person?  Messed up.
For the second straight week, the Bills game is blacked out in Buffalo, because they didn’t sell enough tickets… and I think it’s because all those motherfuckers are here. I don’t know how or why it happened, but I’m surrounded by about 20 damn Bills fans.
Hey, it’s a Peerless Price sighting. Haven’t heard much from that guy lately. He caught a J.P. Losman pass… and now he’s hurt. It was nice seeing you, Peerless.
Shawne Merriman records his first sack since he was framed for using steroids. The Juice suggests that he replace his old sack celebration dance (which is exceedingly lame) by getting up and making like he’s shoving a needle into his ass.
That kind of joke is uncalled-for because Shawne Merriman is a guy who could use our support to get through this difficult time in his life.
I don’t think Ed Hochuli likes the new ref pants. They don’t adequately show off the definition in his thighs. Folks, the Hoch does not spend all day on the leg press machine for you to not notice his bulging quads.
The Juice also shares a story about out friend Dirty, who stayed at The Juice’s place last night… Dirty peed on his floor. Just sitting there, shitfaced, using the phone, and he spontaneously began to urinate. The Juice says he “treated him like a dog and rubbed his nose in it.”
This is becoming the year of the bad-ass punt return. This week, it’s Devin Hester again. He goes right, nothing there. Goes left, nothing there, either. Looks back to the right, still nothing, and he says to himself, “Alright, fuck it, I’ll go left.” And he breaks a few tackles, weaves through defenders, and blazes to the endzone. Guy is amazing.
Two odd scores early in the going here: Jets lead Green Bay, 24-0… and the Lions lead the Patriots, 7-3. I guess the Jets score is less odd, because Green Bay is so atrocious, but I didn’t think the Jets were the type of team to score 24 quick points on anyone. As for the Lions and Patriots… I’m at a total loss to explain that one.
Our waitress this week is going to one day be my wife. She’s not the walking display case of ass that waited on us last week… she’s different. She’s cute, she’s sweet, she’s friendly. We’re going to be married. Right here, next week, in an 11 a.m. ceremony, so I can watch football and she can work her shift afterwards.  It’s going to be romantic as fuck.
For some reason, we’re discussing now why the Steelers don’t have cheerleaders. According to The Greek, the Steelers tried it once in the 60s, and the Steelers lost that game, and Art Rooney believed that the cheerleaders were a distraction to the players. I thought it was because most of the Steelers were into men. And The Juice believes it’s because there are no attractive women in Pittsburgh. Three plausible theories, right there.  You’re not getting that anywhere else.
Again, #75 for the Bills takes the kickoff. That’s an odd strategy by the Bills special teams coach. “Hey, who do we want returning kicks? Roscoe Parrish? Nah. Hey, how about this Duke Preston character? What’s he go, about 6′5″, 320? Yeah, gimme him.” He is not making anyone forget Devin Hester.
Yikes. And Jason Campbell has the first Plummer moment of his career. In the process of being sacked, he decides to just chuck the ball blindly at the stomach of Falcons defensive lineman Chauncey Davis. Interception, and Chauncey Davis begins running the other way.  He is not making anyone forget Duke Preston.
The Greek has ordered the chicken wings this week, and that’s not normally the sort of thing I would mention, but… eating them is causing sweat to pour from his face like Shaq in the fourth quarter. There’s sweat on his forehead, behind his ears, dripping onto the table… this is bizarre. He’s a fountain right now. These wings aren’t even hot. My bride-to-be comes by and he asks her, “Can I get some water? I’m having a wing problem.”
Who is this Derek Anderson character playing quarterback for the Browns? Unless this guy has the ability to switch races on cue, and also plays sparingly as a two-guard for the Charlotte Bobcats, I’ve never heard of him.
Santana Moss, by the way, is just killing DeAngelo Hall today. I like those Reebok commercials where Peyton Manning and Torry Holt and Steve Smith tell their story about when they knew they were good enough to play in the NFL… and DeAngelo Hall, in his spot, says something about being the fastest guy at a camp, despite being only 15 years old, and that’s how he knew he was good. I think he might have been confusing “good” with “fast.” I don’t know. Maybe I’m wrong, but he could be a guy that’s fast enough and talented enough to make some mind-blowing plays, but not technically sound enough to prevent a veteran receiver like Santana Moss from abusing him one-on-one.
When the Bills wear their throwback uniforms, as they are this week (and should every week), the NFL should give Ko Simpson a special XFL exemption and let him put his first name or something else on the back of his jersey. Seeing the name “Simpson” on the back of a Bills throwback… well, let’s just say that I don’t think the Goldman family is able to watch a lot of Bills games.
Jim Leonhard has a nice punt return for the Bills, getting deep inside Chargers territory. Immediately after the runback, a Bills fan is overhead saying, “Yeah, he’s white!” without even a little bit of irony in his voice. To quote myself, Billy Hoyle style, from last week’s Smorgasbord…

I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but the cheers are always just a liiiiiittle bit louder for a white kick returner.

Rex Grossman is currently 3-of-12 for 0 yards and 3 interceptions. I tried to compute his quarterback rating on the Windows Calculator, and blue smoke started coming out of my laptop.
By the way, this is an odd little stat: Buffalo’s special teams units rank at or near the top of about every possible statistical category. I guess it’s just offense and defense that give them trouble.
They did just make this game 17-14, though. Which makes me uncomfortable.
And now the Lions have recorded a safety on New England… this is just getting bizarre. What’s the deal with the Patriots? Regardless of whether or not they come back to win this thing, how am I supposed to believe the Patriots are that good when they’re struggling with the Lions at home?
Jerrious Norwood breaks off a beautiful long run again the Redskins… He put a couple of sweet jukes on Redskins defenders to break past the first and second levels, and then streaks down the sideline, before turning the end of the play into a personal lowlight reel for Carlos Rogers. Touchdown, Falcons.
I can’t currently see this game, but… the Titans and Colts are tied 17-17. The Titans appear to be officially decent.
Kansas City, with the game tied late, tries to get a drive going to get a winning field goal. They end up fumbling the ball to the Browns in their own territory, setting the Browns up for a gift win. Unfortunately, Derek Anderson and his .357 field goal percentage throw an interception right back to the Chiefs on the next play.
And how about Rob Bironas coming through with a 60-yarder to win the game for the Titans in regulation? The Titans just beat the Colts… raise your hand if you saw that coming a month ago. And while we’re on the subject, what is it with Merrill Hoge’s outright disdain for Vince Young? It’s like Hoge is personally offended that Young is making plays, because it makes Hoge’s pre-draft Vince Young predictions look stupid.  Really, check out Hoge sometime this week if you get a chance.  Someone will bring up Vince Young, and he’ll start frothing at the mouth.  I bet he has a Vince Young Fathead on his living room wall, and every night before he goes to bed, he looks at it and screams, “YOU SUCK.”
Former Texans GM Charlie Casserly is in the CBS studios at halftime, and I think he looks like a young(er) Lou Carneseca.
My waitress/wife walks by and accidentally spills some water on herself. The Greek says something to her, and she says, “Oh, it’s OK. It’s not like spilling beer on myself, and it gets sticky and yucky, but I like it.” She is going to really enjoy our honeymoon.
You know, Charlie Casserly in the CBS studio… I’m digging him. He’s straightforward, plain, and informative. Which makes him about the exact opposite of everyone else on the CBS studio team.
The Chiefs and Browns are in overtime, and Derek Anderson takes off from the pocket on a scramble, and then performs one of the most akward and uncomfortable looking juke moves you’ll ever see. It looked more like he was having some kind of muscle spasm. He’s played admirably today, but… there are people in wheelchairs with better mobility.
There’s a Dolphins fan here on a first name basis with every Dolphins player. About every 20 seconds, he’ll scream, “Let’s go, Joey!” or “Let’s go, Sammy!” or “Let’s go, Olindo!” I guess that’s something that a lot of fans do, but… this guy’s taken it to another level.
Ben Roethlisberger is flushed from the pocket on a 3rd down, and takes off for the sticks… he’s forced out of bounds about a yard short.  Without breaking stride, he looks at Bill Cowher and says, “We’re going,” and turns around and goes back to the huddle. I guess it’s just as well that Ben’s making the decisions now, since Cowher resigned weeks ago.
Hey, guess what… CRAZY MOTHERFUCKING FISH GUY.
He’s not dead. I repeat… Crazy Fish Guy is not dead. If you’re a new reader, and you aren’t familiar with the legend of Crazy Fish Guy, I’ll try to paint a brief picture for you. He’s probably in his late 40s, he’s got black/gray hair that’s been cut and styled the same way since he was 12. He’s got a high-pitched voice with kind of a western Pennsylvania accent, and he’s always got a vacant smile on his face. When it’s warm out, he’s usually wearing a tight Dolphins t-shirt with pit stains, and when it’s cold out, he usually wears something he got from work. He loves to gamble and bet the over, because he likes to “cheer for points.” He carries a gambling sheet with him that looks like specs for the next Space Shuttle launch. He’s a friendly, unassuming, kind of goofy… I don’t know what the word is… he just doesn’t get out much, I don’t think. I really can’t accurately describe him for you in just a paragraph here. You’ll have to go back and check out the archives.
He’s made no contact yet, which is surprising. He either hasn’t spotted us, or he’s just a whole new Crazy Fish Guy. Usually, he comes over uninvited and says something like, “Yeah, I took the Vikings and the points today, but I know they’re gonna kill me,” and he’ll talk for another few minutes until I have nothing else to say to him and just feel uncomfortable.  I used to live for that.
CBS shows the new Raiders defensive coordinator, who’s running things from upstairs in the booth. His elbows are on the table, his eyes are pointing down to the floor, and he’s rubbing his forehead. He acts like that job is stressful or unpleasant in some way. Strange.
And my waitress/wife’s shift has ended… both as my waitress and as my wife. We’ll see if we can’t pick up next week.
There’s a woman down on the sidelines in the Raiders game. I don’t know who she is… a camera woman or stadium staff or something. She’s down, and she’s not moving. Randy Moss comes over to check on her. Either that, or to attempt to feel her up while she lays there unconscious.
I can’t get Crazy Fish Guy to make eye contact with me. This is fucking weird… usually, we can’t get the guy to leave us alone. Now he’s playing hard to get.
The Dallas Cowboys are playing a fullback right now that’s played three games this year for them at linebacker. Between him and Mike Furrey, the NFL’s going to a new trend of two-way players. Gordie Lockbaum missed his era. If the NFL decides to adopt Arena Football rules for a week, I like the Lions and Cowboys to dominate.
Curious about how things are going for new Raiders offensive coordinator John Shoop? It’s 4th and 43 for the Raiders. That’s how things are going for new Raiders offensive coordinator John Shoop.
Alright, it’s time. I’ve got to touch base with Crazy Fish Guy, and this is the first time that anyone from our little group has ever sought him out, as opposed to him seeking us out. I’m going to the bathroom, and on the way, I’m going to stop and talk to him. Here goes.
I walk over to his table, and pat him on the shoulder, smile and say, “Hey, what’s up, man.” Unfortunately, I picked a moment when his mouth was full of burger. I didn’t really time this well. I got flustered. He said something that I think was a garbled, “How you doin’, buddy,” but I’m not sure. I bailed.
Hey, you’re not going to believe this, but Ben Roethlisberger’s hurt. He went down pretty hard on his knee there.
The Greek: “David Carr has fumbled the last three times he’s touched the ball. I’d recommend handing off.”
Roethlisberger’s fine, by the way. Refs who do Steelers games should get one extra official’s timeout per game, where they can stop the game and say, “Official’s time. Ben Roethlisberger needs some attention. Will one of you stupid whores in a Roethlisberger jersey please scream, ‘I LOVE YOU, BEN’? (pause) Thank you. First down.”
It’s kind of hard to watch football right now. Every single one of these games has sucked balls. Two of them, Pittsburgh/Tampa Bay and Houston/Oakland, are worthless just because of the participants. The other is Miami/Jacksonville, which I also don’t care a lot about. And the afternoon’s marquee game, Cowboys/Giants has been extremely sloppy and unpleasant.
There’s a fumble in that Giants/Cowboys game, and Giants fullback Jim Finn dives into the pile after it’s been formed, without the football. It looks like a particularly vicious pile, but Finn dives in anyway, and about 20 seconds later, he’s out… with the ball in his hands. Jim Finn strikes me as the kind of guy who just doesn’t care what happens to him in that pile. “Oh, you’ve got your fist in my ass? Do you think Jim Finn gives a damn? Knock yourself out, pal, I’m getting this football.”
Maurice Jones-Drew breaks through the line and gets into the endzone for the Jags. He then does some hula dance in the endzone… which is something I’ve seen players do when lobbying for a spot in the Pro Bowl.  MJD 2.0 is having a good year, but… he can’t possibly believe he’s going to the Pro Bowl, can he?
Here’s Bruce Gradkowski with the Bucs in the red zone, to try to cut the Steelers lead to three… and that’s going to be intercepted. It’s odd to watch two teams that are both kind of bad, but for entirely different reasons. With the Steelers, there’s still a lot of talent there, so they could theoretically erupt from time to time. There’s a little bit of hope, at least for one decent game here and there. With the Bucs, that’s completely not the case. They are a bad team, from top to bottom, and there’s no chance whatsoever of them breaking character and being great for a week. The personnel just won’t allow it.
On that same note, don’t be fooled into thinking that this is one of those good weeks for the Steelers. It’s not. Roethlisberger is still running for his life on every play… they’re just playing a really bad team. Heath Miller catches a touchdown pass, making it 17-0… and you could keep playing this game for 2 straight weeks, and the Bucs aren’t scoring 17 points.
Gradkowski drops back to throw, and DeShea Townsend comes in untouched on a corner blitz… and Gradkowski just falls down in front of him. He completely turtled. He saw DeShea Townsend and intentionally fell backwards to avoid being hit. If that was Joey Porter… I could see it. DeShea Townsend struggled to break through that paper hoop when he led his team onto the field in high school.
Overheard from a Giants fan: “ELI SUCKS! GET JESSE PALMER BACK!” Wow. That’s not good, Eli. And it’s not particularly good for Jared Lorenzen, either.
And there’s a touchdown for Marion Barber, who’s roughly 300% better than Julius Jones.
Of course, the Giants are going to answer with a touchdown of their own, and it looks like this damn thing is going to overtime. Speaking of Plax, by the way, they showed a play earlier where Plax actually laid someone out on a block. Granted, it was after the play, and the guy was just standing there, and Plax got a 15-yard penalty for it… but he actively sought out contact, and I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen that before. I’d say that Michael Strahan really set him straight, except Michael Strahan denies saying anything negative about Plax, because there’s no room in the Giant locker room for that kind of negativity, Kelly Naqi, you fucking bitch.
Meanwhile, Jon Gruden has opted to kick a field goal in the closing seconds so that the Bucs can avoid the shutout. I’ll understand if you disagree, but… I think that’s kinda pussy. You’re down 17-0, you can’t win… let your team try for touchdowns. If you can’t earn one, you can’t earn one, and you have to deal with being shutout. I think the field goal is just hiding from the fact that you got shutout.
Well… here’s some drama. Martin Grammatica, on for the newly-released Mike Vanderjagt, is in to attempt a 46-yarder for the Cowboys. The Giants call a timeout to ice him, and now Grammatica is praying. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that before, and it doesn’t really give me a lot of confidence in Martin Grammatica. Here we go. The kick is up, and… by the beard of Zeus, he drilled that. He had 10 or 15 yards of distance to spare, and it positively split the uprights. Color me surprised, and give Bill Parcells credit for a great decision this week, cutting Vanderjagt and picking up Grammatica.

mjd @ 5:49 am
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 12 - 2006/2007

Posted on Monday 27 November 2006

Tony Romo is being interviewed via satellite on CBS’s pregame show, and one of the bullshit analysts says that he heard “Dukes of Hazard” was Romo’s favorite movie, and asks when he’ll be going on a date with Jessica Simpson. Romo, to his credit, is quick to correct the notion that he enjoyed that movie, and seems offended at the notion. He seems totally frozen by the question about Jessica Simpson, though, which probably means that she’s blowing him during this very interview.

For those of you who didn’t get to enough weddings this year and haven’t seen enough old white people dancing, hurry up and change it to Fox… Terry Bradshaw and Jimmy Johnson are dancing as they go to commercial. And I don’t mean they were just sort of subtly moving to the background music while something else was going on around them, I mean they were the only two people on camera, music was played for them to dance to, and they were busting out their best moves.  Either that, or they’re having dueling seizures.  My point is that Fox did this on purpose.
Hey, whaddaya know, CBS has a shot of Joey Porter talking trash during pregame warmups. That never gets old or anything.
Meanwhile, Ray Lewis and Ed Reed are literally head-to-head… their foreheads leaning against each other, while they talk back and forth, spitting all over each other. It looks like they’re about to make out. I wonder how God feels about His linebacker being into dudes.
Drew Brees hits a wide open Devery Henderson with a deep ball very early in the Saints/Falcons game. Henderson outsprints DeAngelo Hall to the endzone. Hall can’t catch Henderson until he’s about seven yards deep in the endzone, at which point he reaches for the back of his shoulder pads, and horse collars him down. He gets buried in penalty flags.  Idiot.
Steve McNair looks fantastic early in the Steelers/Ravens game. He’s getting rid of the ball quickly, making the right reads, making very accurate throws… he lofts one to a wide open Todd Heap for a Ravens touchdown. 7-0.
Here’s a neat little stat: Morten Andersen is the all-time leading scorer for both the Saints and the Falcons. What a nice honor to tie the proud histories of those two franchises together.
Dulymus McAllister scores to put the Saints up 14-0, about ten minutes after Boomer Esiason boldly predicted that the Falcons would not just win today, but make the playoffs. Not one of Boomer’s prouder moments.
There’s a group of fellows at the table behind us that seem like decent enough guys. The Juice and I overhear them talking about the Mellencamp commercial, and one of them utters a sentence that starts with, “It’s a good tune, but…” The Juice and I immediately make eye contact in a “You fucking heard that, right?” kind of way. Also, one of them keeps calling Mellencamp “Cougs.”
Jason Campbell steps away from pressure in the Redskins/Panthers game, has a receiver wide open on a crossing pattern about 8 yards downfield… and Campbell misses him by about two full yards. Every time I look up at that game, the Redskins are starting with great field position, but don’t yet have any points to show for it.
Jamal Lewis continues to just plow through the Steelers defense early in this game. He caps the drive with a one-yard TD run. It’s 14-0, Ravens.  Obviously, the Steelers haven’t played that great this year, but one thing they did have was an excellent run defense.  Not today.  Jamal Lewis and the Ravens line are handling them.
Ouch… Bart Scott comes free after Willie Parker misread the blitz and just plants Ben Roethlisberger. I don’t know exactly what hurts on Benjamin, but he’s writhing around in pain. If it’s a concussion, expect Roethlisberger to miss as many as four, maybe five plays before the Steelers stick him back in the line-up.
Michael Vick is currently 4-of-11 for 19 yards, but he does have over 100 yards rushing already. It’s hard to quantify exactly how good of a performance that is from a quarterback, but the scoreboard would argue that it’s nothing special. The Falcons trail, 14-3.
Here’s a commercial for the new Rocky movie… and I notice a distinct lack of Adrian. I wonder if they killed her off, or if she left Rocky’s broke ass. Or, I speculate, perhaps Rocky left her for a stripper named Sparkle. “Yo Sparkle! We did it!” The Juice tells me that he used to know a girl named Sparkle, and she had a sister named Sprinkle. I laugh, but he’s not kidding. “Sparkle,” he says, “had some problems. She was fucked by everything. Mules, the entire football team…”
I didn’t expect that conversation to go there.
Matt Stover makes it 17-0 Ravens before the half. No one on the Steelers sideline seems to notice or care that much.
Some guy uses a napkin to make the “OFF-FENSE” sign from the Man Law commercials.
Roscoe Parrish… that should be illegal. I think he just topped Pac-Man’s punt return from last week on the HolyFuck-o-meter. Brilliant stuff there.
The Steelers come out and in their first possession after halftime, and go three and out. The Juice asks, “Are we allowed to forfeit?” I don’t think NFL rules allow that, actually, but the Steelers are coming as close as they can.
Jim Mora Jr. leaves the field in Atlanta. I don’t have sound for that game, so I can’t be sure what’s happening. I’m just going to assume that he realized that his dad was right, and he’s sick of coaching Michael Vick… and he just said, “Fuck this shit,” and decided to quit in the third quarter.
Ben Roethlisberger is sacked from his blindside, fumbles, and that one’s going to go for a Ravens touchdown. That was roughly 0% Ben Roethlisberger’s fault. It’s 24-0, and that’ll wrap things up here for the 2006 Steelers. And if they go into 2007 with the same offensive line, this same thing is going to happen again.
There’s a waitress here… that I don’t think is human. I think she was built in a factory from carefully-selected parts of other girls. It’s a shame that all those other girls had to die for her to be created, but… I think it was worth the sacrifice.
In one of the best plays you’ll see from a tight end this year, Chris Cooley takes a short Jason Campbell pass, bowls through a couple of tackles and races 66 yards to the endzone. That puts the Redskins in front of the maddeningly inconsistent Panthers.
The Steelers are driving late here, with the score 27-0. The Greek doesn’t want them to score, saying that as a football fan, he believes the Ravens deserve the shutout, and it would be wrong for the Steelers to add a bullshit score here.  This is a Steelers fan talking.
Steelers center Jeff Hartings apparently agrees, as he goes with the “¡Olé!” blocking technique, allowing Ben Roethlisberger to be sacked for the 9th time today.
And on the very next play, Roethlisberger drills a wide open Bart Scott in the breadbasket with the football. That throw may have been a direct “fuck you” to his offensive line, saying in essence, “I’m not standing back here and taking a pounding. Fuck that. If you’re not blocking, they can have the ball.” I think there’s about a 20% chance that that actually happened… I mean, that ball was thrown directly to Bart Scott with no chance of it ending up in anyone else’s hands. I really wouldn’t blame Benjamin.
And Bill Cowher seems bothered by none of this. I don’t think his headset is being used to communicate with any other team personnel, I think it’s wired directly into his travel agent’s office, and he’s planning his vacation for the off-season.
I wanna give some credit to the Redskins defense this afternoon… they seemed to have had Jake Delhomme confused and unsure of himself all day long. Of course, that’s been the case with Delhomme most of the year, but still… I wouldn’t have picked the Redskins to win this game, but they’re going to.
Meanwhile, Chargers/Raiders is underway… and the Raiders start the game with an opening drive that moves the ball pretty well. That’s an unpleasant feeling.
Fortunately, Sebastian Janikowski is a douchebag and a poor kicker. We remain scoreless.
Peanut Tillman intercepts a tipped pass for the Bears, and then does the fucking jumpshot celebration. I am so sick of seeing that… I want to punch Jim Jones in his fucking mouth. If you were an NFL player, wouldn’t you have some sense by now that the jumpshot is about the least creative thing you could do? You’re going to call attention to yourself with a celebration dance, and then you’re going to do something 85 other people have done this year? Roger Goodell should start fining people who do this bullshit.
Laurence Maroney has the ball stolen right out of his hands by Bears linebacker Lance Briggs. Just took it right away from him. This may be the reason that Maroney hasn’t taken all of Corey Dillon’s carries this year.
The Raiders second drive of the day ends in a touchdown. Rashard Lee scores from 1 yard out, and their 7-0 lead his been thoroughly earned.
Michael Turner’s a little banged up, and Antonio Cromartie’s getting a chance to return kicks for the Chargers today. His first effort is a beauty, going down to about the Raiders 15. Sebastian Janikowski had him lined up for the tackle at one point, until Cromartie made a little juke move… prompting Janikowski to start a light jog back to his sideline. “Hey, I’m willing to tackle you, but, well… if you’re going to move…”
The Titans have put Pac-Man Jones in on offense. They run a reverse to him, and he’s completely hemmed up on the right side of the field, where the play was designed to go. He reverses the reverse, and finds 10 yards and a first down back over on the left. Remarkable play. Not many guys in the league are getting a first down out of that.
There are a couple of female Ravens fans sitting across the room. One of them, in her gravely Baltimore voice, her vocal chords having been damaged from years of abuse by cigarettes and the heads of erect penises, starts talking shit to The Juice and another Steelers fan who was nearby.
Aaron Brooks… is playing decently. Thought it was worth mentioning. And you know who else has been playing good football? Warren Sapp. It causes me physical pain to admit that.
Chad Jackson somehow gets wide open down the sideline for the Patriots… not a Bear within 10 yards of him. Tom Brady flat out misses him. You don’t see that often.
Some bastard named Madsen catches a 57-yard touchdown pass from Aaron Brooks… they’re going to say he stepped out at the two. Brooks goes back to Madsen on the next play for the Raiders touchdown. I’ve never heard of this guy. I’m going to call him Mark. Or Cunt.
You know who Tiki Barber reminds me of? Phil Mickelson. They’re both selfish, arrogant douchebags… but most people still like them because they constantly wear friendly smiles and seem to have a pleasant demeanor. These things are meaningless, of course, and reveal nothing positive about a person’s character… but they both have those perceptive and discerning New York sports fans fooled.  Tiki Barber = Phil Mickelson.
The BaltiWhore is now expressing her admiration for Eli Manning. Clearly heard: “I’d fuck Eli.” I think maybe she has him confused with Peyton, though… she starts chanting, “Cut that meat!” although The Juice swears she was saying, “Come fuck me!” I’m not sure what’s happening right now.
R.W. McQuarters picks up an incomplete pass off the ground, and is pretending like he has a fumble or an interception. He’s running, prompting a Titan to attempt to tackle him… he sort of grabs him and spins him, which sends’ McQuarters’ helmet directly into the balls of strong safety Jason Bell. Bell just took the crown of a helmet in the nutsac because R.W. McQuarters felt like pretending he made a great play.
Philip Rivers, in the midst of the worst game of his professional career, throws a brutal interception to Nnadmi Asomugha.
LenDale White gets a carry for the Titans… and is jawing with someone after the play. Titans tackle David Stewart grabs White by the collar and throws him back towards his own huddle. Valuable veteran move right there.
Nnadmi Asomugha has horse teeth.
The Titans have a 4th and 9 here in the fourth quarter against the Giants. Vince Young takes off running for it, and at the end of the play takes two simultaneous helmet-to-helmet hits from Giant defenders that also may have been late.  Young was absolutely belted in the head… it was a little sickening to watch.  But he’s up, and that’ll be 15 yards and a Titan first down.
Randy Moss, in perhaps his most valuable contribution to the Raiders this year, tucks in tackle Chad Slaughter’s jersey for him… had his hand down the side of his pants and everything. He then wipes his hand on Slaughter’s jersey afterwards… to wipe off the gay juice, I suppose.
I don’t know what the numbers say… but Pac Man Jones is one of the best punt returners in the league. He has moves on top of moves, and a sixth sense about where to go with the football. He’s like Deion Sanders, if Deion Sanders was a bad-ass.
Vincent Jackson, YOU DUMB FUCK. He just caught a brilliant 4th-and-2 thread-the-needle throw from Phil Rivers… got up and threw the ball down in that little twisty motion designed to make it spin… all without anyone touching him. Antonio Gates just walked up to him and hit him on the arm, like “What the fuck, man?”
Tom Brady tucks the ball and runs… and Brian Urlacher has him lined up in space, one-on-one, Brady in the open field vs. Urlacher…. and Brady breaks his ankles. Incredible. And Brady said something to Urlacher after the play… whatever it was, it looked friendly, but Urlacher was pissed. He’s embarrassed right now, as he should be. Tom Brady just Barry Sanders’d him.
Somehow, the officials are going to give the Chargers the ball here after that Vincent Jackson play. The sound isn’t on that game, and I can’t hear what’s going on… but I think ref Mike Carey said something about an illegal forward pass. I dunno… but we have the ball and a first down and the Raiders can suck me. Vincent Jackson can now be allowed to live.
The Titans, down 21-0 at the half, appear to be serious about this comeback attempt. Mathias Kiwanuka chases down Vince Young, and has him wrapped up… and just lets him go. He willfully let the man go. I guess he thought Young threw the ball and was afraid of being penalized… I dunno. You play to the whistle, Kiwi.
And here’s a little pitch out to LaDainian Tomlinson… the Raiders defense swarms to him, as they’ve been doing all day… and he hits a wide open Antonio Gates for the touchdown. Perfect play call right then.
According to The Juice, Tom Coughlin just screamed something at Kiwanuka that ended with, “…you FUCK.”
Rex Grossman’s 4th quarter passer rating on the year: 23.2. The only one worse is Andrew Walters.
Vince Young drops a touchdown pass into Brandon Jones… and we’ve got a tie game. Vince Young has done it here in the second half with his arms and his legs. I don’t know if I’m ready to say yet that he’ll be a great NFL quarterback, but… what he’s done here in the second half is exactly what he did to USC in the Rose Bowl. I hate to go all John Madden on you, but… some guys are just football players. Vince Young, today, is a great football player.
You know who else is a great football player today? Pac-Man Jones. On the Giants first play after the Titans tied it up, he baited Eli Manning into a throw, and then made a leaping interception. Spectacular contributions from Pac-Man today.
And now the Titans have the ball at the 50-yard line with :23 seconds to play. Call Pete Carroll and ask him if he thinks Vince Young is going to get the Titans into field goal range here.
The kick is up… and it is good. The Titans have beaten the Giants, despite trailing 21-0 at halftime. Games like this are the reason that, as a fan, you stick with a bad football team. A great comeback, all kinds of heart, two outstanding young players in Young and Pac-Man… that’s gotta feel outstanding. As a sports fan, you probably only get two or three games in your life that feel as good as that one had to feel to Titans fans.
San Diego and New England are going to finish off their wins, too. And what looked like a very unpromising slate of afternoon games turned out to feature some outstanding football. The Titans 2nd-half comeback today was probably the most thrilling thing I’ve seen in the NFL this year that didn’t involve my own favorite team.

mjd @ 9:13 am
Filed under: Smorgasbords
Week 11 - 2006/2007

Posted on Monday 20 November 2006

I could be wrong, but I think Tom Jackson just advocated the physical beating of Randy Moss. I might have missed the first part of the sentence, but he said the right thing for Moss’s teammates to do is to givie him a “code red” and just beat the hell out of him. Oddly enough, I’d recommend the same thing for Chris Berman.

Hey, whaddaya know… Kellen Winslow and Joey Porter are jawing at each other during pre-game warmups. Winslow might be the one guy in the league (or on the planet) that I wouldn’t side with in an argument with Joey Porter. They’re either talking a lot of trash, or getting into a very animated discussion about their favorite Nicholas Sparks novels. Kellen preferred “The Notebook,” while Joey is more of a “Message in a Bottle” kind of guy. They’ll work it out.
Berman mentions the Grey Cup being played today… for some reason, Berman loves him some Grey Cup. It’ll be the BC Lions against the Montreal Alouettes for the title of “Best Canadian Team That Would Also Lose To Any NFL Team By 60 Points.”
There’s a waitress here with the tiniest little ass you’ve ever seen, and even tinier little shorts that are barely covering it. There’s more fabric in one of Javon Walker’s wristbands, and that isn’t much of an exaggeration. This place is awesome sometimes.
Ben Troupe snares a slightly-errant Vince Young touchdown pass, and the Titans take an early 7-0 lead on the Eagles. The good news for the Eagles is that the Titans are very prone to blowing these things. Ask the Ravens.
And on a related note, Chad Johnson is the recipient of a Carson Palmer touchdown pass, and the Bengals are leading 7-0. But that’s alright, you can spot the Bengals 28 points or so and still be fine.
The Rams are wearing white jerseys and white pants today. I don’t think this is a look we’ve seen before. I’m a little bit hesitant to admit that I kind of like them, because I’m pretty sure that Colonel Jessup wouldn’t approve.
At 1:28 Eastern Standard Time, Lee Evans has 180 yards receiving and two touchdowns. If Houston’s going with the “Let’s just shut down everyone but Lee Evans and make him beat us” strategy, it would probably be the first time in NFL history that’s happened, and it is not working.
Apparently, you can go to Burger King and buy a meal of some kind, and get an XBox 360 game featuring The King for $4. My plans for Monday just changed dramatically.
Hey, there’s a Ben Roethlisberger interception that Cleveland takes to the house. It was about damn time, we were almost five minutes into the 2nd quarter.
And on the ensuing kickoff, Steelers wide receiver Sean Morey takes it back 76 yards to give the Steelers great field position. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed this, but the cheers are always just a liiiiiittle bit louder for a white kick returner. I think it’s sort of an affirmation for white people… like, “Hey, we can run just as fast!” Regardless, my chant of “WHITE-PEO-PLE!” doesn’t gather much steam.
Uh-oh… Donovan McNabb is down, and it is bad. There wasn’t anything gruesome-looking about the injury, but that’s not always a good thing. The worst injuries are often the ones where it doesn’t look like anything happened, but the victim knows immediately that he isn’t walking away from this one. I think that’s what’s happening here.
But the good news is that Jeff Garcia, a quarterback that Colonel Jessup might describe in the same way he describes a white uniform, is in the game for the Eagles. They punt.
Meanwhile, Lady E swears she just saw Donovan McNabb back on the field. That would be truly remarkable, as it would mean that McNabb made an unbelievably fast recovery and also that Andy Reid has decided to use him on defense.
Brett Favre’s holding his arm/wrist, and he’s going to the locker room. He’s flexing his hand, I doubt it’s anything too serious. Now’s probably also a good time to mention that I did really enjoy the ESPN Countdown feature of Favre earlier in the morning. It was about how Favre is enjoying the game again, and for as much as I’ve taken shots at Favre over the past year or so… he is still a hell of a likable guy. I lose sight of that sometimes.
Benjamin Roethlisberger throws his third interception of the day, and some Browns d-lineman just wiped him out on the return. Roethlisberger then got up, sort of started walking in the other direction, and the lineman killed him again. Yeah, that’s a 15-yard penalty. Fortunately, I can’t pick up a 15-yard penalty for chuckling.
Alright, I’m sorry. But Benjamin’s fine, I think I’m in the clear. His line on the day, by the way: 4-of-11, 36 yards, 3 INTs. His quarterback rating is 6. It’s usually not good to have a passer rating lower than your jersey number, particularly if you’re wearing a single digit.
Common is in a commercial for The Gap. I guess I’m happy for him getting the opportunity, but… it doesn’t feel good to watch it. It would be like seeing tough guy Mike Ditka in the limp-wang pill commercials… if I ever had any respect for Ditka to begin with.
The Browns are going to try a Hail Mary (should I capitalize that?) before halftime. Before the snap, The Greek says, “this scares me.” Hey, with Ike Taylor back there, I don’t know why anyone would worry. The ball ends up being batted around and very nearly caught. That was close.
Jeff Garcia rolls to his right and throws a 20-yard laser back across his body for an Eagles first down. Wow. I didn’t think Jeff Garcia had that kind of arm in him. I mean, not that anyone has their arm in Jeff Garcia… you know what I mean.
Meanwhile, the update on Donovan McNabb is that he tore his ACL. That is borderline tragic. I’d been putting the Eagles pretty high in my weekly power rankings, and I felt like they’d go on a nice second-half run, and now I’m going to have a chance to be proven right.
Also, it’s bad for Donovan McNabb.
Fuck. I really didn’t mean to be that self-absorbed. I do feel terrible for Donovan McNabb.
All these injuries today have me thinking about starting a Fantasy Injury League, where you’d draft players and then accumulate points when they’re injured and miss time. In-game injuries get you 1-point for play missed (with a maximum of 30), 30 points for a game missed, 50 for any sort of pelvic injury, 100 for a mid-week suicide attempt, 150 points for a season-ender, and if your player actually dies on the field of play, you’d automatically win the league that year. This could catch on.
Braylon Edwards catches a first-down pass and then mocks Joey Porter’s little kick thing. I think this has to stop… not the excessive celebration, necessarily, but I think it’s pretty lame and played-out to just mockingly copy someone else’s celebration. If you’re not creative enough to think of your own, just heading back to your huddle is always an option.
There’s a female Steelers fan behind me who’s really into the game. Every time Benjamin drops back, she repeats “Ben, please don’t fuck up, please don’t fuck up, please don’t fuck up,” until he finally gets rid of the ball. It’s cracking me up, and I think that pretty well sums up the Steeler fan experience this year.
Oh, Pac-Man Jones… you are magnificent. He fielded a punt at his own four-yard-line (not something that’s typically a good idea), and the Eagles coverage had him hemmed up pretty well. He somehow squirms out of a couple of tackles, gets through the first wave, makes a couple of other guys miss, turns on the jets and takes it to the house. An incredible play. And I think it would have been worth the 15-yard penalty for Pac to take off his helmet, get his face in front of a TV camera and scream, “AND THAT’S WHY I’LL SPIT ON WHOEVER THE FUCK I WANT.”
Great throw there by Ben Roethlisberger. He was rolling right, heading quickly towards the sideline, throws back against his body to Santonio Holmes for a Steeler first down (and soon after, a touchdown). Some of the great throws he makes make it difficult to believe he’s the same guy that makes some of the horrific throws he makes. I dunno. There aren’t many guys in the league making that throw. He’s a very confusing quarterback right now.
And then Josh Cribbs takes the ensuing kickoff to the house.
Nick Eason, defensive tackle for the Browns, may have just pulled off the weirdest/dumbest play of the year. The Browns had Roethlisberger running for his life. Eason gets his mitts on him, is in the process of hitting him squarely, cleanly, legally in the chest… and he just lets go. He lets go, and holds his hands up, like, “I didn’t do anything!” He’s right, he didn’t do anything, including knocking Roethlisberger to the ground. In the process of trying to defend himself against a penalty, he actually forgot to make the stop. Roethlisberger stayed on his feet and got rid of the football, saving the sack and about 10 yards for the Steelers. He must have thought Roethlisberger had already gotten rid of the ball. Never seen anything like that.
Keyshawn Johnson catches a Jake Delhomme deep ball in the middle of the field, and almost scores… except he felt the need to rip the helmet off of the defensive back who was trying to tackle him.
The Steelers, in the fourth quarter now, look to be rounding into form. They just put together a long, efficient drive that culminated in a Willie Parker touchdown, and they’re down now 20-17.
The Eagles, meanwhile, can’t do anything right, and they screw up a field goal attempt. They’re still down 24-6, and they’re displaying very little competency or urgency right now.
And the Steelers are again driving on the Browns. It’s sort of amazing what they’re doing. They play sloppy, terrible, mistake-filled football for 55 minutes, and at the end of the game here, they clearly believe they’re going to win. Cleveland believes no such thing. And Benjamin makes another play, shoveling an improvised pass to Willie Parker for a four-yard touchdown. Steelers lead, 24-20.
The Browns are going to have another shot at a Hail Mary here… Frye unleashes it to the corner of the endzone. Again, it’s tipped around, and again, very nearly caught. Steelers escape, 24-20.
I’m predicting a major lapse in my own football concentration level for the late games. There are only three games on, two of them mean absolutely nothing to me, I’m not feeling well, and I’ll be looking ahead to the Chargers game this evening. I’d much rather be napping right now.
Mike Nolan, however, is looking fresh to death in his special black custom Reebok suit. I’m disappointed that there’s not a Reebok logo visible anywhere on the suit… a huge white Reebok logo would look fantastic across his back.
By the way, it’s after 4:00, and I haven’t seen the fucking Mellencamp commercial yet today. It’ll be nice to leave the bar this afternoon, walk through the parking lot, and not have the urge to climb on top of a Chevrolet and take a dump on the hood.
Ah, there’s Nolan’s Reebok logo. They’ve put a pretty big white logo on his black dress sho