Alright, I want to kick this fucker down a flight of stairs. In consecutive weeks, I’ve seen one guy wearing Chargers, Chiefs, and now Raiders jerseys. Who does that? “Hey man, who’s your favorite team?” “No one, really, but I like the whole AFC West.” Realignment must’ve been very difficult for him.
There’s a new “The LeBrons” commercial, and it is the smoothest damn thing I’ve ever seen. I’m not even a huge fan of LeBron… but when he’s diving, and they zoom in on his face, and he’s tucking the legs… I want a pair of those shoes.
On Countdown, Tom Jackson’s doing a feature on the Broncos linebackers. They’re looking for a nickname. Tom Jackson suggests, because “Monsters of the Midway” is taken, “Monsters of Mile High.” Pretty creative, Tommy… really thinking outside the box there. And of course, not to be outdone on the lameness scale, Chris Berman comes up with “Rockers of the Rockies.” That would be awesome if the Broncos linebackers were a wedding band comprised of 55-year-old Rod Stewart fans.
Michael Strahan’s on now, talking about his pursuit of Lawrence Taylor’s all-time sack record. He says, and I think this is awesome, that no matter how many sacks he gets, that he’ll never be Lawrence Taylor. He’s a cooler guy than I’ve given him credit for.
The Saints’ mascot is a big furry dog. A beagle, I think. I don’t get that. I mean, they’re Saints. They should have a big furry Catholic Saint, with an oversized head and a big smile, and he can hand out rosaries to all the kids, and then tell them that Katrina happened because their Uncle Larry is gay.
Someday, I’ll be writing one of these Smorgasbords live from hell.
Randy Cross says he can hear the noise in the Superdome in his arm hair. I don’t think that’s possible.
The Titans come out in their “let’s cover Andre Johnson with half our fucking defense” defense, and David Carr boldly ignores it and goes to Johnson anyway. Interception.
Someone in the Chiefs crowd, noting that they’re playing the Seahawks, has made a sign that says, “Sea Chickens.” Clever, fella. Tom Jackson help you with that? No one from Kansas City’s made me laugh that hard since Eddie Griffin the Man Law commercials.
60 Minutes tonight is evidently a large episode of “Charle Weis, Mic’d Up.” The angle here is that he curses… ya don’t say. Quite a scoop you’ve got there… football coaches use foul language. I heard that some of his players have premarital sex, as well. WITH MULTIPLE PARTNERS.
Randy Cross says that Adalius Thomas just “boned” Steve McNair. I’ve never heard that particular adjective used in that situation. Drew Brees, to his credit, is taking it well… that guy would be just fine in prison.
Hey, Seneca Wallace TD pass. Didn’t think I’d see that today.
Reggie Bush on a halfback pass… just a terrible, terrible throw. There is, as it turns out, a limit to his talents. Bad decision, bad toss… and it’s intercepted by Chris McAllister. And then Ray Lewis takes it out of McAllister’s hands… and then McAllister takes it back. I don’t know if I’d call that defense unselfish, but they are pretty good.
Randy Cross: “McNair just got the bone layed to him.” What the hell is going on here… is Randy Cross horny? Drilled, pounded, hammered… they all work and sort of have the same double entendre, if you try hard enough. I think the word “bone” has a lot of connotations of which Randy Cross is not aware… “Oh, Steve McNair just stayed in the pocket too long and he got straight up pleasured.”
The Bears, meanwhile, have opened up a narrow 24-0 lead over San Francisco.
Steve McNair hits Clarence Moore for the Ravens touchdown… and it’s 14-0 Baltimore, in New Orleans. I wouldn’t have guessed that. The Saints can’t get anything going on the ground… Reggie Bush can’t get wide, and there’s no room anywhere else.
Chad Johnson scores a touchdown… and he breaks out a little salsa dance, helping the NFL celebrate Hispanic Heritage Month. The Greek makes an argument later that the “Ocho Cinco” nickname is actually disrespectful to people of Hispanic heritage. Not intentionally, mind you… but is it such a big honor if you’re butchering the language at the same time? The Greek asks, “Would it be good if someone did the same thing for Black History Month, and their number was ‘Fo’ Five’?”
Matt Leinart: 1-of-9, 12 yards.
Here’s something you don’t see every day. There’s a guy across the room wearing an Andre Rison Browns jersey. I can’t imagine that those were real big sellers at any point in time.
Sage Rosenfels is warming up for the Texans. I didn’t see David Carr get hurt… but I’d have to assume that’s the case. I mean, it’s Sage Rosenfels.
Pac Man Jones intercepts Sage Rosenfels after the ball pops out of someone else’s hands… that’s as happy as I’ve ever seen any defensive back after intercepting Sage Rosenfels.
Oh, that’s not good. Drew Brees was just wrapped up almost completely, and he Plummered one out in desperation. Intercepted, touchdown. Ravens lead 28-0, and we’re getting sadly close to every game I’m seeing turning into an ass-beating.
At 41-0, the Bears still have all their starters in. I don’t know if Lovie Smith has something against Mike Nolan, but… that seems unnecessary.
Hey, it’s a Sage Rosenfels touchdown pass. That was even more unlikely than a Seneca Wallace touchdown. And at an 11-point difference, this is the closest game I can currently see… Titans/Texans. Sweet.
The Bears have a 4th and goal here, up 41-0… and they’re going for it. What the fuck, Bears? That’s just mean.
Oh, and the Chiefs fuck up a field goal attempt that would’ve made this game 30-14… and the Sea Chickens take it to the house, and it’s now 27-21. That’s quite a swing.
There’s a table of four or five 49ers fans, watching their team get their ass beat… they haven’t moved, and they haven’t stopped cheering. Of course, I guess you could argue that they never really started cheering, either. But they’re still there, and they’re still getting pissed off when the Bears score. Respect.
So they’ve finally switched the Baltimore/New Orleans game off, and we’re seeing the end of the Jags/Eagles game. I’ve been following the score, but haven’t seen any of it… apparently, Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew (MJD II) are running the ball all over the Eagles. I’m feeling a little sheepish about the #3 spot I gave the Eagles in my power rankings last week.
Eriq LaSalle is starring on a very special episode of Without a Trace on CBS. I heard his home weave products are really taking off.
On a big 3rd down and five, up 10, with about 5:00 to play, the Jags call a David Garrard bootleg, and he converts. Ballsy call, and while I’m in no position to say anything about the decision to go with Garrard over Leftwich… that’s not a call you can make when Byron Leftwich is your quarterback.
Chiefs defensive lineman Jared Allen intercepts a pass… and he suddenly morphs into Deion Sanders and starts heading for the house. Deion Branch catches him from behind (somehow) and just takes the ball out of his hands… the Seahawks are down seven now, with the ball. If they go on to win this game, that Deion Branch play is the play of the year.
They don’t, though… the Chiefs defense went back out and did their job. Matt Hasselbeck would’ve come in handy right about then. Seneca Wallace’s performance, on the whole, wasn’t bad, really… at least compared to how the day could’ve gone… but I think Hasselbeck would’ve been the difference.
The Chargers, just like that, are up 14-0 in the first quarter. This looks like it’s going to be a big LaDainian Tomlinson day.
Hey, sweet… Tony Siragusa’s at the zoo! He’s splashing around with Dolphins! This is what I love about Fox and Tony Siragusa. They’re not afraid to show they’re human and able to have a good time. And now Siragusa’s sitting on the side of the pool, and Shamu splashes water all over him! Awesome!
And not that I want to tell anyone how to run their TV network, but if you insist on doing a segment where Tony Siragusa gets wet, you might want to rethink the white shirt.
The Raiders, early on against the Steelers… they don’t look that bad. The win over Arizona instilled some confidence in them, it appears.
Shawne Merriman’s having a good game. And I know what you’re thinking, and I hate it.
Oooh. Ben Roethlisberger throws an interception, tipped off the hand of one Raider and into the arms of another… and it goes to the house. 7-0 Oakland.
Charlie Frye drops back in his own endzone… and you’ve never seen a quarterback with this much time. No one’s near him. He just made himself a couple of waffles from scratch, and ate them with whipped cream and strawberry preserves. Surely, with that much time, someone can find time to get open, or Charlie Frye can find something constructive to do with the ball. No… no he can’t. Interception, and that’s not on anyone but Charlie Frye.
The Chargers cheerleaders are in their Halloween costumes… it’s nice to see the girls with a chance to whore themselves up in a different way than they usually whore themselves up. The girl with the Minnie Mouse ears on… I dunno why, but I’m finding that to be a very nice choice. To quote Randy Cross, I would like to lay the bone to her. Ears on.
Justin Fargas and the Raiders have had some success on the ground against the Steelers. Whoever’s doing the color for the game says, “This is Art Shell football.” Since when is there Art Shell football? What’s Fargas doing, running backwards nine yards and then punting through his own endzone? I know the Raiders won last week, but I’m sorry, Art Shell doesn’t get his own brand of football yet.
Hey, Jerry Porter’s in the game. The Raiders have done something that makes sense… that is most certainly not Art Shell football.
Early in the second half, Reggie Wayne catches a TD pass for the Colts… their first touchdown of the game. Unfortunately, I’m not actually paying a ton of attention this game. The Chargers are on, the Raiders are somehow competing, and the Indy/Denver TV is the farthest away from me. I have a feeling, though, that the Colts will pick it up in the second half… that’s been their M.O. this year.
The Raiders have a 3rd and 5 on the Steelers 25 yard-line… pretty big play here. Randy Moss, nice little hitch route, sold it well, wide open, the throw is there… right through his hands. I dunno if the league keeps this stat, but Randy Moss is probably leading the league in drops. He should be fucking ashamed of himself for some of these.
I am so damn enraged by these “This is Our Country” commercials… I don’t feel like it’s enough for me to promise that I’m never going to buy a Chevy, because I was pretty sure that was going to happen anyway. But I’ll go on record with this, and you can hold me to it: I will never, ever, buy a John Cougar Mellencamp album. NEVER.
The Raiders just sacked Ben Roethlisberger for the fourth time today.
And on the first play of the fourth quarter… Ben Roethlisberger is intercepted. That’s his third of the day. I thought this guy really had it on track against the Chiefs, but Ben Roethlisberger is redefining inconsistency this year… although he has been fairly consistent within the confines of this particular game. Not in a good way, though. There’s a good chance that the Raiders will gain more yards on Ben Roethlisberger interceptions than they will on Andrew Walter completions.
Fox shows Tony Siragusa on the sidelines, and he’s on his knees… apparently, he takes kneepads to the games. The only other guy in the NFL I know of that takes his own kneepads to games is Jeff Garcia. HEY-O.
Actually, I guess all players have their own kneepads. Never mind.
Question posed to The Greek: Would you consider putting Batch in? The Greek’s response: I don’t give a fuck. These are the words of a man who’s watching his team’s season slip away.
Big 3rd down here for the Steelers… 3rd and goal here, from the 7 yard line. Roethlisberger drops back… picked at the goal line, and that one’s going 99 yards the other way. A quarterback couldn’t do more to hurt his team if he tried. If every time Ben Roethlisberger took a snap today, he dropped back and took a knee, the Steelers probably win this game. I’m not kidding.
I haven’t mentioned her yet, but I’ve been watching this girl for a while… she’s at the across from us, sitting with three or four guys, pretending she’s the biggest Steelers fan in the world. I hate this act. She watches about every other play… spending most of her available time shoving her jugs (which, in fairness, are nice) in someone’s face or talking about something important like Friends reruns. On the crucial 3rd and 7 there when Large Benjamin was intercepted, she had her back to the TV… then she happens to be watching when Willie Parker scores on a screen pass, and now she’s chastising other Steelers fans for not cheering for their team. I hate her.
Total yards in this Steelers/Raiders game right now… 303 to 98, in favor of the Steelers.
On a last-ditch desperation drive, Roethlisberger drops back with 18 seconds to play… and takes a sack. From Warren Sapp, of all people… inexcusable, Benjamin.
Three seconds left now… and the Hail Mary is complete. At the 3 yard line. Game over.
The afore-mentioned big Steelers fan is now being consoled by the guys at one of the table… until she pushes him away and exclaims, “No! This is my season on the line!” I’m going to be laughing about that for a while.